Trigger Warning: This post talks about lesbian porn addiction and may be triggering to some. If you feel that this is a triggering topic for you, I would encourage you to read with caution—or not read at all.
I will never forget the day I confessed to my husband that I was not only watching porn, but I was watching lesbian porn. Despite the shame and guilt I felt, I did not know how to stop.
When I was younger, I became emotionally enmeshed and later sexually involved with another girl my age. I also dabbled in porn. I found myself drawn to the women in porn, but I didn’t think much of it. At such a young age, I never considered how those decisions could affect my heart, and I certainly never thought they would follow me into my future.
My husband and I were married for two years when I gave birth to our first child. This was a planned and welcomed pregnancy, and everything went well throughout my entire pregnancy until I had an unexpected c-section the week before I was due. I was planning to have a natural childbirth, so not being able to experience any part of the labor process left me feeling hollow.
After my son was born, my sense of grief did not lift. It was if all of the issues I had never dealt with from my past started bursting up to the surface of my heart. I struggled with undiagnosed post-partum depression, and several months went by before I sought help.
During this time, I did what I thought I would never do. I started watching porn again.
Why Lesbian Porn?
At first, it was a welcomed escape, allowing me to temporarily numb the pain in my heart that I didn’t know what to do with.
I really had no interest in the violent porn I saw involving men and women. Rather, seeing two women together piqued my interest. It seemed much more sensual and intimate and reminded me of the relationship I had long ago.
My curiosity of seeing two women together snowballed when I started watching lesbian porn.
I soon found myself completely enticed, and I started continually fantasizing about being with another woman. I felt incredible shame. I was not only married to a man I loved very much, but I had given my life to Christ several years earlier. How could this happen? I didn’t know who I was anymore, and I felt so confused.
The Confession the Residual Fantasies
I eventually confessed this to my husband, and we started down the long road of healing. God started to heal my heart as I surrendered everything to Him again, and I eventually broke free from watching pornography. The fantasies I had of women remained to be a struggle for a long time, though. I had no idea how much I lived in a fantasy world until I tried to stop.
Related: What Your Sexual Fantasies (Might) Say About You
I experienced such regret for the lasting effects it was having on my mind, heart and marriage. Long after I stopped watching porn, I still could not erase the images from my mind. I felt like I was not only betraying my husband, but I was betraying God.
It was very difficult for me to talk to God about the fantasies I continually had about being with another woman. I pleaded with God to take it all away. I knew it wasn’t what I really wanted, but I didn’t know how to reset my brain to the way it was before. I felt incredible shame for what I had let spiral out of control, and talking to God about it was nothing short of mortifying.
Sexual Identity: Is This Just Who I Am?
The purpose of my article is not to defend whether or not homosexual behavior is sinful. That’s another article for another time. Rather, my goal is to lift the silence about something many women experience while watching pornography.
As I started to minister to women who struggled with porn a few years later, I was surprised to discover that many other women found themselves drawn to women in porn, even if they did not necessarily identify themselves as homosexual or bisexual.
What starts out as curiosity with lesbian porn can eventually escalate into a struggle with one’s sexual identity.
Certainly not all women who see lesbian porn are drawn to it, but for many, this becomes a stepping stone to questioning their sexual orientation. Like all porn, viewing something repeatedly trains our brain to go back to the same source for more. For the Christian woman who is not only caught in the web of porn, but also finds herself attracted to the women in it, this can cause quite an internal conflict.
Joe Dallas concurs:
“If a person realizes he’s homosexual and has no moral or religious objections to it, then he’ll probably choose to express his desires, adopt a gay identity, and move on in life. But when sexual orientation clashes with world view—as is often the case when a Christian realizes his sexual feelings are at odds with his faith—then hard choices have to be made.”
Plainly put, if I’m attracted to the same sex, yet believe that expressing those attractions is wrong, then I won’t view the attractions as “just a part of who I am.” I’ll see them as a problem to be resolved. And, more often than not, I’ll want to discuss that problem with someone who shares my beliefs, understands the issues involved, and can help me explore and pursue options I can in good conscience live with.
One woman recently told me she was exposed to porn at a young age, and the scene of two women together never left her mind. Seeing this deeply affected her sexual identity. “From then on I was attracted to women, and I was drawn to pornography,” she said. The graphic sexual scene of two women together changed the way she viewed women. This created a great conflict for her, because she believes God did not originally create her this way.
Related: Silence: The Sound of Female Sexual Shame
Another young woman wrote to me, saying that she has always hoped to marry a man someday, but she has dwelled on and fed her attraction to women for so long that she doesn’t know how to go back.
The shame and secrecy from same-sex attractions that are often times fueled by pornography cause many women to hide in shame and despair. Many do not even find themselves attracted to women in their day-to-day life but continue to be drawn to lesbian porn and the fantasies that go with it.
Getting Honest
I recognize this deeply-layered struggle. I have lived it, but I also know there is so much hope.
Confessing my sin and struggles was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, but it was also the most freeing. I started discovering hope when I finally confessed what I was struggling with, allowing healing to begin.
God has healed my heart in many ways over the last several years, and the intimacy I craved so deeply I finally found with Him. I had to come to a place of seeking Him first, deciding to love and obey Him whether or not He ever restored my sexuality to the way it once was.
As I slowly developed an intimate relationship with Him, and as He slowly began the process of healing my heart, the sexual images in my mind became less and less appealing. Today He continues to heal my heart, and I will always be grateful for the love and grace He has shown me countless times.
If you are a woman who struggles with watching lesbian porn, I encourage you to find someone you trust to confess this to.
Related: Where to Find the Boldness to Share Your Porn Secret
I recognize the challenge of telling another woman you struggle with watching lesbian porn. For me, I found it much easier to talk with a woman who was several years older than I was. It was much easier for me to be transparent with her.
If you do not know of anyone who you can tell, pray that God would show you who you can talk to. He loves you so very much! Take a deep breath and grab ahold of His hand for help. He will take you on an amazing journey. The hope, joy and healing you will find along the way will be worth it.
SaveSave
Hey there. Well, if you’re getting ready to go college, this is a great opportunity to get counseling for yourself. Most colleges and universities offer free counseling services to students. Many young people have very similar experiences to yours: they’re accidentally exposed, and not protected in their own homes from explicit images. As a therapist, I can tell you that for young children, viewing sexual images is often very traumatizing. In fact, if an adult purposely shows porn to a child, that is considered sexual abuse. So that would be one issue to talk through with your counselor. Another issue would be the bullying you suffered. Very often, porn can become an escape route from pain and difficulty. I suspect that if you work on healing some of these deeper hurts, you’ll find less need in your life for porn. Peace to you, Kay
I been struggling with this since I was 9 years old one day I was on the computer being innocent playing dress up games and listening to music on YouTube then all of a sudden this video pop up with two girls doing very disgusting things so I click on it out if curiosity and after that I was hooked I would watch porn for hours every night while my parents where sleeping than I started doing sexual acts on it for a couple of years I stayed off it, then I got saved in 2012 in the beginning of summer I was 14 years old and just graduate from middle school 8th grade and I could tell that was the most precious moments of my life I started falling in love with God and his word I went through a horrible attack in my reborn again year’s I was getting attack mentally the enemy was really trying to me out but he always failed cause God always had his hand on me and protected me. I went into highschool I was a freshman so I started to hang out with my old friends they were not really living for God so they started to influence me but I still was devoted to God prayed read my bible every mourning and night they even went to prayer with me. I started to like this guy Daniel a little I tried to ask him out he denied me and it took a huge stab in the heart (I cried). I went to the movies with my friends on a Friday night my friend Ragan was a friends with the boy I like that rejected me that same night we went to her house and she told me that the him and his friend were calling me ugly saying I look weird it made me devastated and I cried. Another night Ragan was going to hang out with them so I went along with them but Ragan didn’t want me to go cause she knew that they were going to make fun of me but me being a fool I went along anyways cause I didn’t want to be bored in the house they were calling me ugly saying I look weird and that’s what all they kept talking about was my look’s and even when I went to the bathroom they were talking about how ugly I look and when the night was over I went home crying my eyes out so hard. I started to back slide and fall into temptation with listening to inappropriate music than when Christmas time came my sister came down from NYC she wasn’t does not really live for God so I started to fall deeper and then out of no where the addiction of lesbian porn was taking over me. Right when my sister left my I rededicated my life back to God but the porn addiction was still there after it only lasted for a couple of months. I didn’t watch it in couple months after when I started to really serous in My relationship with God then I noticed God started distancing me from my so called friends who really didn’t even care from or treated me right then after that for 3 years I didn’t watch lesbian porn. But I back slide again 2015 at the end of my junior year in high school u started to watch it again I didn’t understand were it is coming from I swear I was never even thinking about it all summer I watch and struggled with it through my senior yeareach and every other day sometimes I would stop for months then start watching it again didn’t know why I kept praying and asking to take it away even when I would promise God I would not watch it again I still end watching it. I just graduate high school and I’m still struggling with this I do not want to go in my adult life and college years like this I ask if someone can please pray for I’m disgusted to be watching this filthiness please. I want to have a husband and kids one day and I don’t want none of this to follow me into my future life. Please and Thank you God bless.
I’m so glad I read this.i have struggled with lesbian porn I don’t watch it anymore but i am still tempted to watch it and I believe in God and I have been baptized. It’s beyond difficult because I have a boyfriend however I’m still attracted to a particularwoman. I want to be a perfect woman for god and it hurts to still feel this way .I’m so glad that you put this website up your really helping other Christian women????????
Thank you so much for posting this, Amy. I’m a straight girl who was hooked on lesbian porn for almost a decade (starting when I was 12/13; I quit a year ago). I, too, thought I was bisexual because of the videos I watched, even though I’ve never been in love with a girl, or even considered being sexually involved with a girl. A few weeks ago I confessed to my boyfriend I used to watch lesbian porn; we’ve been together for five years, but I’d never worked up the courage to tell him. I typed it on my phone while he was sitting next to me, and I reluctantly handed him the device, my heart racing, my whole body trembling. I didn’t even look at him because I was so scared and ashamed. Then he tapped me on my arm, showing me an empty document where I’d just written down my deepest darkest secret: he’d erased it, just like God has erased my past. I’m so grateful to have been forgiven and saved. The images may haunt me forever, but I don’t ever have to go back again.
Thank you so much Kay for being so open and candid about your struggles as a Christian women concerning lesbian porn. I was exposed to it in my early, adult life and it still poses a battle for me at age 52. I can honestly say that I am not attracted to other women sexually, but struggle with desires to view two women in sex scenes where vaginal oral stimulation is an intense focus (my apologies for being so blunt), but this sinful fetish is devastating to me. Please pray for me in my journey towards healing and deliverance.
sis i feel the exact same way as you and experienced this for 18 years and i so desperately want to be free: and i also desire a husband but want to wait for JESUS to reveal when i am spiritually ready for one: i would love to hear your reply and have another sister with similar struggles to talk with regularly
I cannot express how much it meant to me to see this. I have needed to know I wasn’t alone. Thank you!
Kay – how can I get ‘Your brain on porn’ onto my Kindle reader? Is that possible?
Thanks…
Google “download pdf to kindle” and you should be able to find instructions that work for your particular kindle.
My problem is this, I had a porn addiction also, all kinds, but also included lesbianism, the problem I still struggle with, yes, I have confessed and God and my husband, children have forgiven me and we have Covenant Eyes on ALL devices, thank you Jesus for providing such a resource!! Anyhow, the problem I have is this, in order to get me “over the edge (to orgasm)”, I have to fantisize in my mind some kind of porn scene … otherwise, I just “can’t” … and I can’t tell hubby that one, it would really hurt his feelings :( any suggestions or resources for me? desperate for help in this area, as I feel like such a hypocrite :(
Hey Sandra, I think you might appreciate Your Brain on Porn. It’s targeted toward male porn users, but we all have brains, so I think it would be helpful to you as well, in understanding how the brain functions with addiction and how recovery happens. Blessings, Kay
Hi Sandra. I can definitely relate to what you are talking about. This was a great problem for me for a long time. It was a slow process, but two things really helped me. The first one is that I started inviting God into our sex lives. Actually inviting Him into our bedroom. I prayed beforehand, and I started asking God to remind me that He was there. I asked Him to reveal to me the real reasons He created sex and to show me how it was good…just the way He created it to be, without any “extras” or sin included.
The second part that really helped me was I started asking the Holy Spirit to reveal any lies I was believing concerning sex, sex with my husband and sex with women. He started showing me my beliefs that I could only have intimacy with a woman, women were safer than men, etc. and He started healing my heart in these areas.
I understand this struggle, and I know it can feel incredibly overwhelming. This has been a long process for me, but I can look back and see that God has done a LOT in this area of my life. It was one of the bigger hurdles to overcome.
I wrote a blog post a few years ago discussing this a little more, if you are interested. Scroll towards the last 2/3 of it, and you will see the lies I listed that I was believing. I hope this encourages you! Open communication with God about this is vital. Difficult at first, but vital. ? As the walls of shame come down, it will become easier. http://walkinginfreedom.net/when-healing-deliverance-comes-slowly/
Maybe you can ask God to mend the part of your brain that needs that fantasy or maybe think about your husband.
Sandra, I would abstain from orgasmic pleasure. Have sex to be present for your husband. If you not orgasming bothers him, then explain your struggle. If not, maybe just keep it to yourself. Unless your husband would agree on a period of abstinence to give your body/mind a chance to reset through prayer? I think accepting that the intimacy between you and hubby is not “that” (les porn), it will give you the chance to be humbled and content with what you have. It’s like adding in fake sugar to juice. It’s perfect the way it is, it can just take some time to discover that as God renews the mind.
Finally someone has tackled this issue. There’s so much out there to help men addicted to porn but not a whole lot to help women. I was exposed to porn at 5 years old. I’ve struggled w temptation to look at porn for a long time. I’ve fought temptation to hook up w other women. I’ve never acted on it but it’s very hard to fight. Even when I was married I fought this.
Thanks for your transparency, Amy — It really sparks and inspires others into freedom, too! I was wondering if you know if Covenant Eyes (or another source) has written a similar article to yours, but on male gay pornography? We are familiar with same-sex attraction resources, but have never seen anything written from a male who used male gay pornography. Are the effects, etc., similar for men as for women? And, again, do you know of any written material, articles, etc., on males using male homosexual porn? Thanks, and God’s blessings.
Thank you, J Kay. I honestly don’t know if the effects are the same for men as they are for women. I have only communicated with other women on this topic. If you look up Joe Dallas, I believe he has some material for men who struggle with both same sex attractions and pornography.
Amy’s story show s the difference between women watching porn and men watching porn. When men finish watching porn they dismisses if from their minds, until they decides to watch it again. But when women watch porn, it can lead to a crisis of sexual identity in some women.The main reason for the difference is that a man’s logical mind is stronger that his emotional mind, or put another way his logical mind is more in control. Women, on the other hand, are more emotional than men, in most cases their emotional minds are stronger than their logical mind. Their emotional mind is more dominant. Men do not take porn seriously because they are able to dismiss it with their logical minds. Women on the hand, being more emotional, can be deeply influenced by porn more than men. It is absorbed by their emotional minds which then takes it seriously.
Hey guys. I’m looking for someone to confess my sins to and just pray with, I’m 19 now..and I just don’t know who to tell. I’m Christian and have a lot of brothers and sisters in Christ, but I’m just way too ashamed to tell one of them…it’s such tough news, so if anyone is willing to be my friend can you guys email me? My name is Kelly. Thank you guys!
Kelly, you might find help and support at xxxChurch, where there are online groups. You can also find local recovery groups, like Pure Desire or Celebrate Recovery.