If your husband watches porn, you’re not alone. Statistics show that MANY husbands are regularly watching pornography. Up to two-thirds of men, including married men, consume porn habitually.1 Read these comments on our blog:
“I overheard my husband watching porn in the room, when I entered he hid his phone under the pillow and pretended to be sleeping. What does that mean? Why did he do that?”
“My husband developed erectile dysfunction at age 52 and I just assumed it was because of his long history of high blood pressure and/or blood pressure medications … I didn’t know he was still addicted to his porn for over 25 years!”
“I loved my husband. Never refused sex and eagerly participated and initiated. I greeted him at the door with a smile … I read books and articles on how to be a loving and respectful wife. I did my best not to complain. I lost all my baby weight and kept my figure … And he still looked at porn and refused me sex.”
These are just a few of many. Whether you caught your husband watching porn or you’re just trying to understand why he uses it, keep reading.
Should I be concerned my husband watches porn?
If you ask the internet, you’ll find many people trying to convince you that porn is no big deal, that everyone uses it, and that you just need to understand why he does it, accept it, or maybe even join him watching.
But we’ve heard from enough wives to know that this answer doesn’t cut it. Furthermore, we’ve spoken with THOUSANDS of men who recognize they shouldn’t be watching porn, who feel bad about it, and really want to stop (even if they feel like they can’t).
Even if you don’t have a moral problem with pornography, you should be aware of the effects. For more, see Porn In Marriage: Its Harmful Effects on Relationships (And How to Heal).
I’m angry my husband watches porn—is this justified?
If you’re a Christian, the Bible actually teaches that porn using porn is a form of adultery. If you’re angry about your husband’s porn use, you’re not being old-fashioned or unreasonable. Pornography isn’t a normal part of relationships. You probably feel hurt and confused as to why he would want to do this.
If your husband lies about his porn use, that’s also concerning. A strong marriage requires trust and honest communication. You can’t have that if someone is lying.
My husband watches a lot of porn. Is he addicted?
If you’re concerned that your husband might be addicted to porn, here are a few signs to watch out for.
Disinterested in Sex
A common sign of porn addiction is a lack of interest in real sex. While some psychologists argue that men watch porn because of a hyperactive sex drive, researchers who study the issue—as well as the painful experience of thousands of wives—recognize the very different reality. The comment we saw earlier from a wife whose husband refused sex represents this.
In many cases, this disinterest comes from porn-induced erectile dysfunction. Many men who have watched porn for an extended amount of time actually lose the ability to perform sexually without porn. For more, see Why Does My Husband Prefer Porn to Sex With Me?
Emotionally Distant and Withdrawn
When people are hooked on porn, they often become emotionally distant and tend to withdraw from the people around them, especially their spouses. Some men default toward emotional distance, and there may be a variety of reasons for this other than porn. However, porn often contributes to this behavior.
Different Sexual Preferences
Numerous studies show that pornography can change sexual preferences and may encourage an interest in violence, fetishes, or other extreme sexual behaviors. If your husband pressures you to perform sexual acts you’re not comfortable with, this could be porn’s influence.
For a more complete list, check out 10 Signs of Porn Addiction: Do these describe your husband?
What to Remember if You Catch Your Husband Watching Porn
Maybe this is the first time you’ve caught him using pornography. Maybe you’ve caught him many times and have finally reached the breaking point. Maybe he’s even gone so far as acting out and having an affair. Maybe he’s belligerent, insisting, “It’s no big deal” or “It’s your fault I need it.” Or maybe he claims to be repentant but doesn’t seem to be taking steps to stop.
- See related: 10 Ways You Can Help Your Husband Leave Porn Behind
Remember you are not the problem.
If you are a woman married to a man who compulsively uses pornography, one of the best things you can do for yourself is acknowledge that you are not the root of the problem. One of the best things he can do for himself and for his marriage is to start getting to the real roots of the problem.
Often the wives of men who regularly look at porn will write to us and ask “What’s wrong with me?” This cutting question can be difficult to answer in the midst of a highly emotional situation. Often these women are convinced that if they were simply prettier or met a certain physical standard, their husbands wouldn’t be drawn to porn. Often women get these impressions directly from their husbands.
However, your husband’s porn is not your fault. There are many examples of men married to world-renowned beauties who were still addicted to porn. Christie Brinkley and Tea Leoni are celebrities famous worldwide for their physical appearance, and both were married to alleged porn addicts.
- See related: Why Do Married Men Watch Porn?
Pornography does condition a man (or woman) to objectify others and to rate them according to the size, shape, and harmony of their body parts. But you could be a world-famous super-model, and you’d still be unable to compete with the constant variety and novelty available through porn.
Get help for yourself, then focus on your husband’s behavior.
Right now, your emotions are probably dominated by alternating feelings of anger and helplessness and numbness, and your thoughts are dominated by his use of pornography.
It may seem counterintuitive, but the first step is to look for help and encouragement—for you. Find an encouraging support group, a trustworthy friend, or a counselor. Better yet, get all three!
3 Recovery Stages That Spouses of Porn Users Often Experience
(This section is adapted from our free ebook, Porn and Your Husband).
Just as there are five stages to the grieving process, researchers have identified three distinct stages in the recovery process for a marriage broken by betrayal.
1. Impact Stage
- In this first stage, you will search for an understanding of why this happened.
- Your feelings may be constantly in flux. They may include fear, hurt, anger, numbness, and disbelief.
- You may second-guess your husband’s motive for every behavior, even habitual ones (like checking email first thing in the morning).
- Your husband may not be able to distinguish between appropriate shame for wrongdoing and his pathological sense of toxic shame.
- Your interactions with your husband may be chaotic or intensely negative, leading to more frustration and anger with each other rather than resolution.
- You may begin to re-establish barriers and boundaries (such as sleeping in a different room).
- You both may feel like the balance of power has shifted. You may feel like your husband has proven his power by ruining your relationship, and may lash out destructively against him to regain a sense of control. Your husband may feel like he has no negotiating power.
2. Meaning Stage
- You will begin to search for a more thorough understanding of why the betrayal occurred, such as whether this was a habit from childhood, or whether a traumatic event in the past makes him fear intimacy with you.
- You will look for the necessary information to determine the next steps for your marriage.
- You will begin searching for ways to rebuild trust and intimacy.
3. Moving On Stage
- You will begin moving forward with a new set of beliefs about your relationship and start putting the event behind you.
- You will come to terms with what forgiveness means for you, and how it is connected to reconciliation with your husband.
- You may be required to make changes to your relationship with your husband so that it can continue (or end it, if necessary).
- You may still get flashbacks, but they will be less severe and disruptive, and you will recover more rapidly from them.
What to do next when your husband watches porn
1. Pray, seeking God’s wisdom and comfort.
Jen Ferguson is a wife who faced the pain of her husband’s porn addiction. She writes:
“God doesn’t want prayer to be our last resort. He desires to be at the forefront of our marriages, and prayer keeps Him in this rightful space. It also keeps us in our rightful place—the place where we’re not the ones in control, but He is.”
Don’t make prayer a last resort! Pray for yourself, your husband, and your marriage. God can do incredible things.
2. Find a supportive community.
As a wife whose husband watches porn, you need to know that you are not alone. There are many hundreds of thousands of other women who have faced the exact same struggles. We said this already but it bears repeating: Take the steps to connect yourself to a group of like-minded women who can encourage and support you on the journey.
3. Take advantage of free educational resources.
A spouse’s porn problem can be confusing and complicated, but fortunately, it’s no longer difficult to learn more. At Covenant Eyes, we’re committed to equipping you with resources for the journey.
Check out our free ebook, Porn and Your Husband (linked below). It’s packed full of information about porn addiction, along with practical encouragement and more detailed steps you can take to help yourself and your husband.
- See related: The Best Books on Porn Addiction And Recovery
4. Talk to your husband and ask questions.
If you haven’t already, you need to talk to your husband, but these conversations can be challenging. Be prepared to do two things. First, tell him how you feel. Explain how his porn use affects you and how it hurts your relationship.
Second, ask him questions and be prepared to listen. Some questions you might ask are:
- When were you first exposed to pornography?
- How long has this been a struggle?
- What steps are you going to take to be accountable?
5. Establish healthy boundaries.
Your husband’s porn addiction isn’t your fault, and that should encourage you. But it also means you can’t fix him or force him to change. While you can certainly encourage him and establish consequences, ultimately, he needs to decide for himself that he needs to quit porn. This means healthy boundaries are a must!
Counselor Kay Bruner offers some helpful advice in her article on Boundaries for Couples Facing Porn Addiction.
1Proven Men Porn Survey (conducted by Barna Group), located at https://www.provenmen.org/2014PornSurvey/ accessed May 23, 2022.
Women who want to leave or divorce their husband because of a porn addiction issue has no understanding as to what’s happening. STOP GETTING OFFENDED! This is a struggle for MOST men for a reason, so go easy on him AND YOURSELF. What is needed is LOVE, GRACE and UNDERSTANDING. Most of these men are not bad men, its just that #thestuggleisreal so stand up for your husbands and pray.. even if he never changes! #LOVEBOLDLY
Every woman has the right and responsibility to set the boundaries that are right for her in that situation. Love, grace, and understanding? Absolutely. Accountability and responsibility? Yes, otherwise love is a joke, grace is cheap, and understanding becomes foolishness. I agree that these are not bad men, but often they are behaving very badly and that is what needs to change if the relationship is to become healthy and if men are to live up to the vows they made. We often share an article here called A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce. It is so, so important for women to know that God does not require them to remain in a traumatizing, sexually abusive situation. A healthy marriage and upheld wedding vows mean that both parties take responsibility for themselves: addicts for their behaviors and underlying compulsions, spouses for their trauma recovery and healthy boundaries.
I have read most of the comments. I understand and feel for everyones pain, including the husbands. I haven’t yet read this though…. Wives, do you sin? Is your sin not as great to god as your husbands? When you sin does your husband even know you have sinned? If he does, does he become an emotional wreck, obsess over it, talk about it with others, do everything he can to guilt you into changing? Stop reading, go back read what I said again. What is your sin that struggle with? Do you even know what it is, is it even considered a sin? Every single one of you has a sin nature, a sin that is common to you, and most likely it is a similar sin to your “sisters”. I am not suggesting that your husbands sin should be excepted at righteous, oh no! I am suggesting that you take the stick out of your own eye. In my own life I still regard lustful thoughts or porn as a sin, I can’t speak for you ladies but I know my wife hates it to, as I do her sin nature, but I forgive her, and her me. If she wanted to work with me to never look at porn again I would try, and I would have help. I still might fail, but she would, does and has forgiven me. If she wanted me to help her overcome her sin nature I would…actually I do. But most likely I wouldn’t be able to point it out when its happening. I guess Christian man are fortunate to some extent, our sins are hard to hide. If you ask me porn becoming more exceptable is much like the expectance and of women’s sins, they are not even looked at as sin. I will be back after the storm of comments. God Bless.
Completely agree! As a husband who adores his wife I can tell you (wives) that looking at porn has NOTHING to do with you. It has everything to do with a fixated and habitual physical and mental addiction. Now I have struggled with porn since my late teens and I would consider it under some control now, as I don’t “need” it but the desire still comes back and I unfortunately have still messed up. Even with covenant eyes on all devices there was still that physical pull to “Need” the porn. It’s horrible and I think if most men could simply say “ok you don’t like it, no problem” then it wouldn’t be an issue, but that’s not the case and most women simply don’t understand how difficult that is.
Its worth saying again.. It TRULY isn’t about you, he’s struggling and needs your LOVE and support regardless of how you feel he’s offended you. My wife is incredibly beautiful and continues to be the center of my fantasies, how am I to re-wire that?? Is it wrong? Well my wife hates that I struggle with porn (and me too) and gets very upset and I get scared because I don’t want to fight and I don’t want a divorce.. so I hide it, might tell a friend, therepist or pastor.. but not much changes overall. I would love to be perfect and not view porn ever again, that has not been the case regardless of how much I have tried or how much I have had the best of intentions, at some point I screw up and then that struggle overtakes. So on a personal note to all wives.. HELP.
I’m hurting my husband wants to be a woman. He looks at male to female videos and in reddit. He wears women’s clothes, he just recently lied to me about canceling an order in women’s jeans. I checked it and he had reordered and told the woman that I had ordered it and thought it was by mistakenly ordered. I found messages talking to someone on the internet, role-playing. It was pretty ugly. To me that is cheating. I keep staying for my son, he just turned two. I don’t want nothing to happen to my son, I’m scared that he will try and take him. I don’t know what to do. We’ve been married for almost eight years. I’m slowly giving up on us.
Cassie, it sounds like your husband has some issues he needs to clear up for himself that have nothing to do with you, and only to do with his own gender identity. I’m sorry for the pain that both of you are going through, but this sounds like something that is not about “cheating” but about his own stuff that he needs to work through. I would encourage you to find a therapist for yourself, someone who can help you consider what healthy boundaries look like for you, given the reality of this situation. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that may be helpful. Peace to you, Kay
HI….Id would like to say something to all the wives who’s husbands are addicted to porn. (And IM one of them too btw!!) yes, it HURTS, yes, it Sucks, yes, it makes us “feel really crappy” about ourselves … Now, when you hear someone say “Remember – it’s Not about YOU” THINK what their saying. Step OUTSIDE of your skin for a bit and LISTEN! Do YOU have anything in YOUR world that YOU wish you could do better? Or STOP doing..but u keep on doing it maybe?? I dunno…maybe, u overeat….maybe u yell at the kids…maybe u don’t go to the gym and you WISH you did…maybe you can’t quit smoking but you keep trying…(insert ur OWN issue)! MY issue is..I KEEP telling myself I’m gonna quit drinking SO much coffee!! Now before you throw ur shoe at me and say REALLY?? COFFEE??!! That’s not EVEN in the same universe as PORN!!?? I know- but you can see how many times I’ve forgiven. It’s been years of letting go of anger. If God can forgive ME 70 X 70… Well, I’m just in prayer for my man, and I extend forgiveness – and he KNOWS – oh HE KNOWS it hurts me. WE TALK. But I ALSO KNOW it’s really not about ME! It’s HIS hang up with the deceiver !! And he needs my prayer! So, that’s what I do. I don’t know- maybe this helped someone. It has really helped ME.
I’m glad that helps you to cope. Everyone manages their situation in their own way, and I’m glad you have a method that works for you.
I think the real issue is: how is pornography use impacting the emotional trust in the relationship? Is your partner able to “turn toward” you rather than turning away? This is the question The Gottman Institute addresses.
Here at Covenant Eyes, we recognize that healthy boundaries are an individual’s choice. Here, here, and here are some articles that discuss different boundary approaches.
Best post I have read yet. Even with all the odd caps. 😉 I’m sure many women here are being fully honest about their “availability” and trying harder and all of that. I have to take their word for it, and I, much like most of the husbands do take much of the blame, I will even take all of it if it makes my wife feel better. Though I doubt she would say she has tried as hard as she could. I will admit it does not matter if she does. We know when you are only doing it for us….Honestly that is almost worst then not at all. I want her to desire it and desire it creatively. The truth is, she does big time!…..about 3 days out of 30. So, being a guy who is actually capable of finding a new, younger, more adventures women every week if I decided to sin that “hard” I try really hard not to sin against my wife and god….Sometimes I mess up and look at porn. Not making excuses for it, but its the reality. She knows all this is true, but hey, you can’t fake desire. Who should I be mad at? Her? God? Satan? I will keep trying, but I’m not going to be treated like, or feel like the scum of the earth that some will paint me as. I will see you in heaven when all our sins are washed. 😉 The truth hurts. The truth is every one of us had sins we keep doing over and over. Some of them are our own written in these comments, and “we” don’t even see them. Suspense of disbelief.
I just wanted to let you know that each word you spoke felt like it was coming from my own mouth. Also I am 5’9 and a 36 D cup and I have somewhat of a flat tummy after having 2 kids and my husband does the same thing, so its not the attractiveness or unattractive traits that defines a womens desire by a man. i dont think will ever have the answer to that. I am sick of living this way. My husband really does not find me desirable unless i let him do me in the ass. When I ask him to please me he says that i am being a B***h if I tell him that i want to be touched a certain way. I am also allowed to not have an opinion as well as tell him what he is doing wrong or it will blow up to a heated argument. Simple stuff like dont leave your gabage out when theres a garbage can a foot away from you. I cannot ask him of anything when he gets home until he uses the bathroom and sees them. I will be all dolled up and everything and there he goes into the bathroom and believe me i have guys hitting on me all the time when I go out so I know it s not me. It continues to get worse and worse live porn sites, dating sites. The other day I saw a dl of a live porn in my phone and felt sick to my stomach. It makes me feel really ugly insecure not good enough. I confront him all the time and those are his exact answers as well. Why? because your a bitch a a nag and are mean and angry all the time yet hes been doing this for the last 10 years. Anyways did you fix it and how?
SJ, this problem is far beyond porn.
Calling you names is verbal abuse.
Not allowing you to have opinions is emotional abuse.
When confronted with reality, he gaslights you. That is form of mental abuse.
You are the sovereign of your own body. You are the person who decides what you like and don’t like. You are the person who says what kind of sex acts are enjoyable to you. When he doesn’t respect your sexual boundaries, that is sexual abuse.
You can’t stop him from being abusive. I know he’s told you that you’re responsible for him and his choices, but you are not. You are only responsible for your own choices.
What can you “fix?” Well, you can evaluate your boundaries and decide whether you want to be in a relationship with an abuser. Here’s an article on boundaries that might help.
I would suggest finding a counselor who is experienced with domestic abuse, someone to support you as you make these healthy new choices for yourself. You can also seek help at the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, where they will be able to help you find a shelter in your area if you need one.
Peace and healing,
Kay
I don’t even know what to do anymore. My husband looked at some porn when we were dating and was always trying to have sex with me, I eventually gave in. Low self esteem and figured no one else wanted me. He came from a strong christian family. There wasn’t a lot of porn after we got married, but some, until about 3 years ago after he went to China on a business trip and got felt up by a bunch of women there. After that it led to craigslist searches and sexting, then physically cheating once. Then it was more emails and craigslist searching, then an ad for a threesome. Then spending 200 at a strip club on lap dances. we’ve talked, he knows how I feel about it all. But I keep finding youtube videos he watched on strip clubs now. And searches for hidden massage parlors and crap. We’ve been married 18 years and have 3 kids. I’m a stay at home mom with no job and no job skills. I want to leave, but I can’t. I also want to stay. I just want him to love and respect me. I just am so lonely and don’t know what I can do. No money to afford counceling.
Louise, if your husband can spend $200 at a strip club, there is PLENTY OF MONEY FOR YOU TO FIND A COUNSELOR!!! If your husband objects, well, this the cost of the choices he has made.
Find a therapist who is experienced with trauma care, because you are going through a very traumatic experience. Many women in this situation will meet the clinical criteria for PTSD. Find a group. Pure Desire has groups for wives, and they are free. Many other ministries do the same. Search in your area until you find what works for you. Check out the online resources at Bloom–only $10/month for support groups, trauma-informed classes, resources–it’s a bargain!
Also, I am POSITIVE that you have more options than you think right now for your life. You absolutely do have job skills, and you absolutely can take care of yourself if need be (plus there’s child support!). You are NOT trapped, and you CAN CHOOSE a healthy life for yourself.
Here, here, and here are some articles to help you think about boundaries. You can’t control your husband, but you absolutely can control yourself.
Whatever he chooses, YOU CAN CHOOSE to be healthy and whole.
Peace,
Kay
I’m not even married for three months, my husband and I dated long distance for a short period of time, got engage, few month later got married, we never lived together before getting married, he is 20 years older than me and I knew he watches porn as I know a lot of people does, I admit I have watched too. But that doesn’t make me feel not wanting sex. Once back from our honeymoon my husband confess to me that he has an ED problem and that he doesn’t want to take any pills for it, and with that our sex life is been to twice a month so I try to be understanding for our age difference but I found out he watches porn and enjoys himself. I told him I know he watches porn and he said he is not proud and blah blah blah. That makes me resentful, I was betting my self about it thinking I was not enough for him. Anyways I decided took the ultimate revenge, i do take care of myself, I workout, been loosing weight and he is noticing I been more flirticiois with him and other man too.
I like sex and I always wanted to have sex as often as I can. He is a wonderful guy in every other way but porn it’s his enjoyment, as for me I really been thinking that if I ever have the chance to get sex somewhere else I will. He talks about our life together thru the years and I think if he only wanted companionship I wish he’d tell me so we wouldn’t have to the hole marriage thing, since I waited for “the right man” i hate to think of divorce I never married thinking I wanted to cheat on my husband do the lack of sex and his porn addiction.
Ladies, the reason you shouldn’t believe Satan’s lie: “If only I were taller / thinner / more beautiful, then my husband would choose me over porn” is that even if you were tall, thin, and beautiful like one of those porn actresses… he would *still* look at porn, even if he knew that it was hurting you deeply. Ask me how I know that. :/
A little more info.. We have been married 31 yrs and found out he has been doing this most of it, I don’t think we were ever real. I gave him everything I loved loved him and he made me feel safe when rest of my world would be hard. I felt safe. That’s all gone now. I know now why he never wanted sex. I believe he may be gay, I asked him ten yrs ago, because our sex life was zip of course I felt it was me and tried very hard to be what a wife should be,, I remember over the yrs I asked him why he never wants sex but he said he would try but felt I wasn’t into it. It changed when he watched my son be born. He said it did change but that wasn’t it, but he never touched me again. Over the past yr I gained weight, started drinking, and now I feel nothing we are room mates that’s it. I found the dates he got on and talked to them, web cams were on our anniversary and the funeral of my sister who took her own life. I’m a shell of a person now.
Mary Ellen, I am so, so sorry. What a painful history you’ve shared here.
Whatever your husband’s issues may be, happens with your husband, YOU need support in this. You’re noticing changes in yourself over the past year that seem troubling to you, and you describe yourself as a shell of a person. Many, many women will meet the criteria for PTSD when their husbands have long-standing porn habits, and you’ve been dealing with this for years. Whatever he chooses, please get help for you.
Find a counselor who can help you through. Here’s a short animation about finding a best-fit counselor.
Peace, Kay
It’s been a yr I found my husbands profile on a porn site. He used fake name, he had so many porn friends. I read comment after comment to these people thanking them for being perfect in every way, of course the words he used were filth and so nasty I can’t say them here,,, one comment he thanked a woman for giving him a image when he’s with his wife. He asked them to do certain things on web cam. This is such a long story. But I lost my best friend, we have not had sex in two yrs, the only way he wants it is between my upper girls. I lost every bit of self worth. I want to leave and he said he loves me but won’t try to stop me. He was my rock, I have no friends because we relocated. Uuuuugggg I can’t,,
Hey Mary Ellen, I gave you some links related to your other comment, but here’s one on porn and divorce that you might find helpful. I’m so sorry. I’m just so sad for you. Kay