If your husband watches porn, you’re not alone. Statistics show that MANY husbands are regularly watching pornography. Up to two-thirds of men, including married men, consume porn habitually.1 Read these comments on our blog:
“I overheard my husband watching porn in the room, when I entered he hid his phone under the pillow and pretended to be sleeping. What does that mean? Why did he do that?”
“My husband developed erectile dysfunction at age 52 and I just assumed it was because of his long history of high blood pressure and/or blood pressure medications … I didn’t know he was still addicted to his porn for over 25 years!”
“I loved my husband. Never refused sex and eagerly participated and initiated. I greeted him at the door with a smile … I read books and articles on how to be a loving and respectful wife. I did my best not to complain. I lost all my baby weight and kept my figure … And he still looked at porn and refused me sex.”
These are just a few of many. Whether you caught your husband watching porn or you’re just trying to understand why he uses it, keep reading.
Should I be concerned my husband watches porn?
If you ask the internet, you’ll find many people trying to convince you that porn is no big deal, that everyone uses it, and that you just need to understand why he does it, accept it, or maybe even join him watching.
But we’ve heard from enough wives to know that this answer doesn’t cut it. Furthermore, we’ve spoken with THOUSANDS of men who recognize they shouldn’t be watching porn, who feel bad about it, and really want to stop (even if they feel like they can’t).
Even if you don’t have a moral problem with pornography, you should be aware of the effects. For more, see Porn In Marriage: Its Harmful Effects on Relationships (And How to Heal).
I’m angry my husband watches porn—is this justified?
If you’re a Christian, the Bible actually teaches that porn using porn is a form of adultery. If you’re angry about your husband’s porn use, you’re not being old-fashioned or unreasonable. Pornography isn’t a normal part of relationships. You probably feel hurt and confused as to why he would want to do this.
If your husband lies about his porn use, that’s also concerning. A strong marriage requires trust and honest communication. You can’t have that if someone is lying.
My husband watches a lot of porn. Is he addicted?
If you’re concerned that your husband might be addicted to porn, here are a few signs to watch out for.
Disinterested in Sex
A common sign of porn addiction is a lack of interest in real sex. While some psychologists argue that men watch porn because of a hyperactive sex drive, researchers who study the issue—as well as the painful experience of thousands of wives—recognize the very different reality. The comment we saw earlier from a wife whose husband refused sex represents this.
In many cases, this disinterest comes from porn-induced erectile dysfunction. Many men who have watched porn for an extended amount of time actually lose the ability to perform sexually without porn. For more, see Why Does My Husband Prefer Porn to Sex With Me?
Emotionally Distant and Withdrawn
When people are hooked on porn, they often become emotionally distant and tend to withdraw from the people around them, especially their spouses. Some men default toward emotional distance, and there may be a variety of reasons for this other than porn. However, porn often contributes to this behavior.
Different Sexual Preferences
Numerous studies show that pornography can change sexual preferences and may encourage an interest in violence, fetishes, or other extreme sexual behaviors. If your husband pressures you to perform sexual acts you’re not comfortable with, this could be porn’s influence.
For a more complete list, check out 10 Signs of Porn Addiction: Do these describe your husband?
What to Remember if You Catch Your Husband Watching Porn
Maybe this is the first time you’ve caught him using pornography. Maybe you’ve caught him many times and have finally reached the breaking point. Maybe he’s even gone so far as acting out and having an affair. Maybe he’s belligerent, insisting, “It’s no big deal” or “It’s your fault I need it.” Or maybe he claims to be repentant but doesn’t seem to be taking steps to stop.
- See related: 10 Ways You Can Help Your Husband Leave Porn Behind
Remember you are not the problem.
If you are a woman married to a man who compulsively uses pornography, one of the best things you can do for yourself is acknowledge that you are not the root of the problem. One of the best things he can do for himself and for his marriage is to start getting to the real roots of the problem.
Often the wives of men who regularly look at porn will write to us and ask “What’s wrong with me?” This cutting question can be difficult to answer in the midst of a highly emotional situation. Often these women are convinced that if they were simply prettier or met a certain physical standard, their husbands wouldn’t be drawn to porn. Often women get these impressions directly from their husbands.
However, your husband’s porn is not your fault. There are many examples of men married to world-renowned beauties who were still addicted to porn. Christie Brinkley and Tea Leoni are celebrities famous worldwide for their physical appearance, and both were married to alleged porn addicts.
- See related: Why Do Married Men Watch Porn?
Pornography does condition a man (or woman) to objectify others and to rate them according to the size, shape, and harmony of their body parts. But you could be a world-famous super-model, and you’d still be unable to compete with the constant variety and novelty available through porn.
Get help for yourself, then focus on your husband’s behavior.
Right now, your emotions are probably dominated by alternating feelings of anger and helplessness and numbness, and your thoughts are dominated by his use of pornography.
It may seem counterintuitive, but the first step is to look for help and encouragement—for you. Find an encouraging support group, a trustworthy friend, or a counselor. Better yet, get all three!
3 Recovery Stages That Spouses of Porn Users Often Experience
(This section is adapted from our free ebook, Porn and Your Husband).
Just as there are five stages to the grieving process, researchers have identified three distinct stages in the recovery process for a marriage broken by betrayal.
1. Impact Stage
- In this first stage, you will search for an understanding of why this happened.
- Your feelings may be constantly in flux. They may include fear, hurt, anger, numbness, and disbelief.
- You may second-guess your husband’s motive for every behavior, even habitual ones (like checking email first thing in the morning).
- Your husband may not be able to distinguish between appropriate shame for wrongdoing and his pathological sense of toxic shame.
- Your interactions with your husband may be chaotic or intensely negative, leading to more frustration and anger with each other rather than resolution.
- You may begin to re-establish barriers and boundaries (such as sleeping in a different room).
- You both may feel like the balance of power has shifted. You may feel like your husband has proven his power by ruining your relationship, and may lash out destructively against him to regain a sense of control. Your husband may feel like he has no negotiating power.
2. Meaning Stage
- You will begin to search for a more thorough understanding of why the betrayal occurred, such as whether this was a habit from childhood, or whether a traumatic event in the past makes him fear intimacy with you.
- You will look for the necessary information to determine the next steps for your marriage.
- You will begin searching for ways to rebuild trust and intimacy.
3. Moving On Stage
- You will begin moving forward with a new set of beliefs about your relationship and start putting the event behind you.
- You will come to terms with what forgiveness means for you, and how it is connected to reconciliation with your husband.
- You may be required to make changes to your relationship with your husband so that it can continue (or end it, if necessary).
- You may still get flashbacks, but they will be less severe and disruptive, and you will recover more rapidly from them.
What to do next when your husband watches porn
1. Pray, seeking God’s wisdom and comfort.
Jen Ferguson is a wife who faced the pain of her husband’s porn addiction. She writes:
“God doesn’t want prayer to be our last resort. He desires to be at the forefront of our marriages, and prayer keeps Him in this rightful space. It also keeps us in our rightful place—the place where we’re not the ones in control, but He is.”
Don’t make prayer a last resort! Pray for yourself, your husband, and your marriage. God can do incredible things.
2. Find a supportive community.
As a wife whose husband watches porn, you need to know that you are not alone. There are many hundreds of thousands of other women who have faced the exact same struggles. We said this already but it bears repeating: Take the steps to connect yourself to a group of like-minded women who can encourage and support you on the journey.
3. Take advantage of free educational resources.
A spouse’s porn problem can be confusing and complicated, but fortunately, it’s no longer difficult to learn more. At Covenant Eyes, we’re committed to equipping you with resources for the journey.
Check out our free ebook, Porn and Your Husband (linked below). It’s packed full of information about porn addiction, along with practical encouragement and more detailed steps you can take to help yourself and your husband.
- See related: The Best Books on Porn Addiction And Recovery
4. Talk to your husband and ask questions.
If you haven’t already, you need to talk to your husband, but these conversations can be challenging. Be prepared to do two things. First, tell him how you feel. Explain how his porn use affects you and how it hurts your relationship.
Second, ask him questions and be prepared to listen. Some questions you might ask are:
- When were you first exposed to pornography?
- How long has this been a struggle?
- What steps are you going to take to be accountable?
5. Establish healthy boundaries.
Your husband’s porn addiction isn’t your fault, and that should encourage you. But it also means you can’t fix him or force him to change. While you can certainly encourage him and establish consequences, ultimately, he needs to decide for himself that he needs to quit porn. This means healthy boundaries are a must!
Counselor Kay Bruner offers some helpful advice in her article on Boundaries for Couples Facing Porn Addiction.
1Proven Men Porn Survey (conducted by Barna Group), located at https://www.provenmen.org/2014PornSurvey/ accessed May 23, 2022.
hi im tierd of my man desire to watch naked women im tierd . im tierd .
Yes, it’s exhausting to be in a relationship where your partner’s main relationship interest is porn. In fact, many women end up with symptoms that match the criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Here’s what I hope you’ll be able to do: no matter what he chooses, YOU take care of YOU. Find a support group (xxxChurch, Celebrate Recovery, Pure Desire, S Anon). Find a counselor, just for you. Think about what healthy boundaries will look like for you. I hope he will make better choices for the relationship, but no matter what he chooses, you can choose to be healthy and whole. Blessings, Kay
I’m so used to this crap. I am angered, disgusted, bitter, feel inferior and worst of all ashamed. I have been with my “fiance“- going four years in October. Truth is I’m a very insecure person, probably rooted from childhood so its been hammered into my head, I don’t want pity, but I am so tired of hearing I imagine things, I believe what I imagine, I’m jealous and an insecure woman. I have a good job, stability, outgoing, friendly and have two gorgeous kids, my daughter from a previous long term relationship of 10 years. I have a son with my current partner. My son was conceived watching porn and only because I thought I could accept the bringing a spark roll into my relationship because I knew he fancys porn, I thought I would brave up and agree to watching it so he could feel good and I could feel the love I desperately wanted after a rough road with arguments and quarrels. I wanted to show him I could to be fun, sexy, admirable..I am admitting to enjoying the moment, the sex, but after it all it was a question of why is this always in the bedroom, the porn was taking my relationship over, it came to sending him nude woman with gorgeous bodies, anything to make him happy, but it went on and on, him asking me to send daily, naked women, not me…that got him all hot…so it continued until I one day realized this is not right, this makes me feel sick to think my fiance prefers a quick release or eye candy rather than planning to show me love and attention I so wanted. Eventually I just said stop, this was ruining my relationship and taking over like the dark plague. Then the sex simply stopped. Like it wasn’t exciting anymore, well that’s how he made it feel, like he was bored, that I was using the porn as a way to make him feel guilty. Because its still haunting us. I know he masturbates. I spy I check his phone, I watch him. But then why must I live a lie. I’m miserable, sad, lonely, and know he despises me for not been a whore in the bedroom. His a fantastic father, a terrible partner and sometimes my worst enemy. Some days are better than others but deep down I know I will never look at him the same neither will we marry, its only a matter of time, I dunno years… I am not confused, I’m just depressed and need a change.
I feel so sad reading your story. I hear you just longing for love and emotional intimacy, and instead finding this substitute that leaves you feeling so bad about yourself. It’s heart breaking. Men are also not really finding what they need in porn; it gives a temporary sexual high maybe, but there’s nothing real or connected about it.
This is not about you not being enough in some way. This is about some terribly sad choices he makes to substitute porn for the real emotional intimacy you could have in your relationship. That’s a deep and painful loss for both of you to suffer.
Here’s what I’d say–reach out for help and support for YOU. Find safe, caring people who can help walk you through this as you consider what healthy choices you need to make. A personal counselor is a good place to start. Groups can be great, too: Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, Pure Desire, even Al Anon. xxxChurch has online groups for partners, as well.
Here are some links to reading material you might find helpful: Hope After Porn (free download for women); here’s a boundaries article; and here’s a link to a catalog of our most popular posts for women. Educating yourself and seeing how other women have coped with this can be a real help, I think, so check those out.
I think you do need a change, for sure. Just make it a healthy change, and get support while you sort out what that will look like for you. Blessings, Kay
Wow I’m sitting here with tears running down my face seeing that I’m not the only one going through this. I have not spoken to him about it and I don’t know how to get to the topic as I’m scared it will end in a huge fight. I don’t understand how people say don’t take it personal it’s got nothing to do with you…..well I can’t help but take it personal who wouldn’t?? I mean really why would he watch porn and then want to sleep with me….it makes me feel like a stand-in
I just ran across this and must say I am glad to know my feelings are shared with many wives like me. I’ve been married for ten years now and both of us weren’t true Christians when we married. I surrendered my life to Christ in 2008 & so as I am dealing with trying to raise five children in a Godly manner and having all the stresses of motherhood and also trying to be a good wife, I feel deep down that somehow it is my fault my husband watches porn. The thing is, my sex drive was high in the beginning. His has been high the whole time. Like he wants to have sex daily if it were possible. But since I discovered years ago that he watches porn on occasion i guess my self worth has diminished. I have been deeply effected to the point of starving myself to lose weight. And also doing things in bed with him that are things I dont like….all in the name of trying to make him want me only. But while in bed, I am most vulnerable. I am feeling like he is comparing me to the women he sees. And as if I am not beautiful enough. He grabs my breasts and butt when we pass by eachother to let me know he wants sex….but this disgusts me to no end! Yes, I know men like showing they are interested by doing that but to me, it is disrespectful and makes me feel like an object. So…our sex life has suffered because I am almost completely turned off. I never really want sex with him anymore. Because I feel that his body is there but his mind is on those women. So then when I dont “put out” he gets angry at me. He tells me its my fault he looks at porn. He says that if I had sex with him more than once a week or every other week that he wouldnt need to watch it. He has no idea how hurt I am. I never really talk to him about this. Its been a long time since I brought it up. And lately I’ve been getting closer to God…so I know God will heal my hurt and if its His will…maybe even change my husband’s heart. But honestly at this point, I dont feel emotionally or spiritually close to him…I long for a Christian marriage without porn and sexual sin. But I have to be realistic and realize that my first priority is God. And so I can only trust in Him to heal our marriage. Its just so hard….words cannot describe the amount of damage this has done to my self esteem. It has broken me down so low….
Hey Sarah, I’m glad you found us here! Welcome! You’re not alone, that’s for sure.
I think you hit on something really important here: how women become objects when porn get involved in a relationship. As much as your husband objectifies you, you also objectify yourself by starving yourself and doing things sexually that you don’t like. He believes the lies of porn, but at some level, so do you. There’s only one person you’re responsible for, though: you. And while it would be great if your husband decided to get out of the lies of porn, at least YOU can get out! YOU don’t have to live under the lies that say you’re only valuable for how your body looks and what it provides sexually.
You might like the book, Boundaries in Marriage, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. We’ve got another article about boundaries here as well.
I would also encourage you to reach out for support and help, just for you. A personal counselor could be a help. Groups are great too; Celebrate Recovery meets at lots of churches in lots of places, and some of my clients have found AlAnon to be a big help when they couldn’t find a CR group in their area.
I hope your husband gets help, too. There are plenty of resources for him here–like this article about how to quit porn successfully, and free downloads, like Your Brain on Porn.
Meanwhile, know that you can get healthy all on your own. Let me know if those suggestions help and if you have other questions. Blessings, Kay
My husband & I have been together 3 years. Living single before, I did partake in pornography on occasion. We have watched it together, as well.
The first time I caught him was 2 years ago, a couple of weeks after he had a vasectomy reversal. I was annoyed & blamed the reasoning as he shouldn’t be wasting his seed. Prior to that, I had gotten drunk, put some on alone, and passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow, he came home to see it playing (looped) & me asleep. He asked how that would make me feel, roles reversed. I admitted I would feel like a failure & promised not to do it again. I felt a lot of shame by his line of questioning. Then shortly down the road, I see his Google search history. Again, I blamed trying to have a baby & reminded him of the conversation, noting he knew my reaction.
I haven’t trusted him since. I will trust him when I trust him, made a point to dig privately, but it wasn’t until 6 mos later that while going through the Norton software that a “silent mode” report noted video plays & the description. It only went back 30 days, but it was a multiple time a week event. The moment I left on his days off, he was at it. It sickened me. He had already been complaining that he couldn’t keep up with me (wanting it a mere once a day), and obviously, JO daily was his priority. I’m assuming anyway since he probably didn’t sit there & tell him hand it was wearing him out.
I am attractive & fit. He received oral daily. There were no limitations or exclusions for him & I (minus the obvious- legality, waste exchange, etc.). We were still trying to conceive & not only did the sneaking/lying hurt, but analysis post-reversal had his swimmers “challenged”. I was extremely hurt, he promised not to do it again (while pointing the finger at me on my old practice of using porn). Since then, 3 more times in less than a year I’ve found proof. Once while holding his phone & reading off the history, he stood there & DENIED IT. That really enraged me. The next to the last time, I told him it was either BJ’s or the porn because he could get those bitches on TV to suck his —-. He chose BJ’s from me. I was also pregnant, feeling fat, but my drive was through the roof. I felt disgusting. I even had men hitting on me while I was late in my pregnancy, I was rocking it, but I needed validation from my husband. 6 days after a vaginal delivery, I am orally pleasing him. And consistently. So the last time, baby is born & my mother-in-law is visiting, I contacted his ex-wife, needing to know what I was up against, having already been told by him he didn’t have an addiction. The ex is not thought of highly by anyone in his family, especially my MIL. He catches her responding to me, I told him the truth, I was hating him because of what I JUST caught him doing yet again, and I was at my wit’s end. I had a sneaking suspicion he was going to tell his mom once they were alone. They come back from running an errand & I point blank asked him, “did you tell your mom your ex & I have messaged each other?” He said he had. I asked if he gave her the explanation, that he was a porn addict. I’m talking low, she’s nearby, and he is signaling for me to speak even quieter. I walked away. MIL joins me in the garage, asks why I don’t seem happy. I told her that I knew he had told her I was contacting the ex & for him to leave it at that had to of made me appear crazy, she nodded in agreement. I told her that her son was a porn addict & I was at the end of my rope & desperate. I told her I felt devalued with him watching it, he’s told me repeatedly he would stop, & I cried telling her this, saying how embarrassed it made me & how I didn’t share it with my own mom. She was floored & upset. I left with the baby to go hang out with my folks for the evening, stayed the night there. I didn’t respond to their texts. I wanted HIM to see what it will be like with his family gone. When I came back the next day (4/15) I gave him the most serious of all ultimatums, that I was leaving & done if it happens again, so he needed to pick right then. He said me. I’ve heard this so many times before. I hate what his porn viewing has turned me into, a forensic investigator of everything computerish. I’m obsessive about it. Never before would I have thought about going through anyone’s belongings or trying to catch them in a lie. I want to feel good about him, trust him, believe in our marriage. I also lost a parent (we were extremely close) last month & didn’t realize it (until he brought it up), but I waited 5 hours to tell him. I had informed everyone else. He was the last to know. Then I realized it, when he was bothered by that, I now have no confidence in my husband. I only told him so the baby could be watched while I showered & asked if he could drive me because I didn’t know if I should. Just a very bad situation. All because of pornography, he’s a liar that hurts me & I can’t count on him.
Hey there. I’m so sorry for the tough time you’re having right now. To have one of your parents pass away when you’re already feeling so insecure in your marriage–that’s a lot. I want to encourage you, first and foremost, to find a safe person who can help you process all the painful emotions you’re experiencing right now: the loss, the grief, the anger and broken trust. I think that a personal counselor would be very helpful as you go through all this.
You might also find help in some of our free downloads. Porn and Your Husband and Hope After Porn are written especially to women in your situation. There are ideas and resources for you there, and also stories of women who’ve been through the battle and come out okay on the other side.
It may be hard to imagine right now, but things can be okay again! If he’s willing to do the work, and you’re willing to work on your healing, you can get well as a couple. Each person has to take responsibility for themselves; he has to take steps and keep taking steps to get well, and so do you. You need help recovering and feeling like yourself again, but that can definitely happen!
You might also appreciate Jen and Craig Ferguson’s book, Clean Eyes, Pure Heart, which has been featured here recently. Jen talks a lot about being obsessive and policing her husband’s every move, and how she got past that.
Have a look at those things, and let me know what you think. Blessings, Kay
I am 21 and my husband is 48. We have been married for 2 years tomorrow and I have caught him watching porn multiple times. I have tried everything I can think of to make him stop and he always says he will or he has. Every time I catch him and I confront him about it, he tries to hide it and lies to me about it. I am heartbroken. If it doesn’t stop soon I have no choice but to take our 8 month old daughter and leave. I can’t handle the heart ache any longer. I am in tears even as I write this.
Trish, I am so sorry that you are in such a sad situation. My heart just breaks for you. I think you are wise, though, to understand that he is the only person who can deal with this problem. And as difficult as it is, sometimes separation is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself–and even for him. I don’t know if you’ve found our free download, Hope After Porn? You might appreciate reading through that, as several women talk about the boundaries they needed to have during recovery. Some of them found that separation was necessary.
Whatever happens, I hope you will seek support for yourself in this. I’d suggest a group–Celebrate Recovery is pretty easy to find in lots of places. Also, personal counseling could be a huge help to you as you walk through this and decide what is best in the days ahead. Blessings to you, Kay
Thank you Kay, I have listened to the podcast and it was very helpful. The body image issue is complex. I feel good about myself at work (I work in an all female environment), with my friends, with extended family, at church and believe wholeheartedly that God made me and loves me as I am. I feel shame about my body around my husband (clothed or not), I have pinpointed it to just his presence. I am accepting of my imperfections when I don’t have to share my body with him in any way, he has become the judge and it’s not possible to have intimacy when one believes they are being silently critiqued, it’s a trust issue. Basically, I realise I have a phobia response toward my husband and I’m going to need professional help with that or leave.
I really hope that men come to realise they are playing with fire when they dabble in this way and it’s not worth losing the heart, respect and body of the woman they married. Ultimately they lose out in some way from the fallout.
I’m glad it helped. It’s such a tough thing! I’m glad you’re thinking about getting professional help as you work through this. Having a trustworthy outsider’s perspective can be so helpful! And you’re right, men are losing so much more than they realize. It’s scary and sad to think about, really. Blessings, Kay
Sadly for me the damage from porn usage doesn’t just go away even if it’s in the past. My husband’s past usage (20 years ago!) set the scene for a long battle of body image / lack of sexual confidence issues that were previously not there for me. Naively entering marriage thinking my body would be a gift to him as his to me I learned that he had ‘preferences’. Great. What does that mean? The perfect shaped butt, breasts, shape etc etc. ok, so now we women like to please but are up against competition now. Eventually lack of confidence sets in especially as one ages and eventually despair. Why bother trying? I have always known from 20 years ago what these preferences were and am reminded of the struggle it is to be satisfied with ones wife since he has to fight temptation. I’m tired of being in the face of constant competition for my husband’s sexual attention, it’s emotionally exhausting and leaves wives feeling humiliated and ashamed of their bodies. Tired of living that way, I totally understand why women become refusers to protect themselves. Many men argue that they compartmentalise their lives (wife=love! hot babe=sex) so they should have no problem understanding wives compartmentalising their emotions and body from their husband in response to these pressures. This is very sad because the usage stopped many many years ago and he is happy because of that but I always know it’s just around the corner waiting at any time and my body image etc never recovered. Sad.
Your story makes me really sad, because it sounds like your husband has done well in recovery, but you haven’t. And unfortunately, I think this is not all that uncommon with porn addiction. All the focus is on getting the guy to stop looking, which is great and needs to happen! But so often, women don’t get the support they need in recovery, and the feelings of low self-esteem and body image issues are indicative of that to me.
The good news is, it’s not too late for you!
I would strongly encourage you to work on your own issues, just like your husband has worked on his. His part was to deal with his porn habit. Your part is to deal with the emotional fallout you experienced. We talked about body image for wives on a podcast just recently, and you can find that here.
I think a group like Celebrate Recovery could be really helpful for you. Also, personal counseling would probably be a great help as well.
I just hope that you’ll reach out for the healing you need, because it’s totally available. You don’t have to live with this your whole life! You can get well and be free! Blessings, Kay
I’m male, early 30s, and feel sorry for women who are experiencing this problem with their husband. For those who still ask “How could he do such a thing?” , “Doesn’t he realize it hurts me?” , “Am I not good enough?” and similar questions, you have to understand the problem is NOT YOU. I could tell from male point of view even if you are PHYSICALLY & EMOTIONALLY PERFECT, your spouse may still fall to porn and it’s NOT because of you.
The article describes the cause of the problem with terrific accuracy. Porn addiction can make males delusional. He could have a physically perfect wife and still watch porn for many reasons: curiosity, entertainment, trying to relieve from stress, running away from problems.
Why he keep his addiction secret (and deny if caught / lie) ? He knows it’s wrong, but he would not like to seem weak, would not like others know he couldn’t handle his addiction.
“I have been a caring wife and not ugly, but why does he prefer to watch porn?” He understands making love is two way effort. He has to give something to receive something, or if he receive something he is obligated to give something. He prefers to watch porn because it’s effortless, he doesn’t need to sweet talk, try to please, and listen to your problems/desires/hope.
I think the solution is ultimately pray hard and long for deliverance while trying to understand the situation
I shed lots of tears while reading everyone’s comments. Hurts me to see that other wives are going through this. My husband is in the military, so lots of time apart. He’s deployed four times and has had several other separations. We are high school sweethearts and have been married for twelve years. Porn never really bothered me until ED set in. Once that happened there was no denying that something was wrong. Had no clue that he was addicted to porn but in December he swore that he would not watch it. Well yesterday he forgot his phone so I decided to check it and sure enough porn pops up. Not sure how I could be such an idiot and not at least have some suspicion but I trusted him. We were talking about having more kids and we had a date morning. I just feel so betrayed like how could he look me in the face and deny. Instead of harboring his secret, I’ve decided to tell his mom. If I continue to keep this between us two, he will continue to do it and then apologize. Never ending cycle. I enjoy sex with a human. Not sure why he loves his hand and watching fake women. I just feel disgusted.
Hey there CJ. Yeah, it is tough reading through all the pain! I answer comments here every day and it still gets to me, too. It’s real people, it’s real heart-break. And your story is like that too. I’m glad you were able to feel connected here, and I hope reading the blog continues to give you a sense of community and hope in a tough journey.
Here’s the mother lode of articles for women on the blog–the ones we find women come back to time and time again. I hope you’ll find some help there. You might also like our free downloads, Hope After Porn and Porn and Your Husband.
I want to say to you at this point, it’s really normal to feel really bad when you make a discovery like this. In fact, a lot of women will meet the criteria for PTSD. So while of course we want your husband to do all the things he should do (filter his internet, get accountability in place, go to a group, see a counselor), I want to make sure that YOU get the support YOU need. I think it’s a good idea to bring in some family members who can help and support you both. You might also want to look for a counselor in your area just for your own recovery, as well.