Why would your husband look at another woman, whether online or in real life? From billboards to sex flicks to websites and chat rooms, opportunities are rampant. And it’s as easy as “sexting” pictures of oneself and others. The format matters little. The results are the same: devastation. Because it’s easily accessible in secret, it can be a very private sin, but the result is a very large explosion!
The secrecy surely magnifies the betrayal, anger, and horror a wife feels when she discovers her husband looks at other women online. She may have known he used to do this but believed he lived in victory. Or she may have been clueless about his habit and feels duped by him. Still, she knows it is not “normal” and feels violated, exposed in shame that the man she trusted has taken what was sacred between them and viewed other women and other acts in violation of their sacred covenant of marriage. It is among the worst betrayals!
The wife’s biggest pain is that porn is a fantasy hidden away in his mind. It can’t be stopped unless he chooses. A wife can’t compete with a fantasy. She loses faith that their intimacy is real—it may just be a part of his fantasy about someone else he’s viewed. If she withdraws, he may use that as an excuse to keep looking at other women. If she gives, she may feel used, not loved.
It feels like a no-win.
Update From the Editor
Why Your Husband Is Looking at Other Women Online
What could bring your husband to look at another woman when he claims to love you? Is he just lying? Or is there something more complicated to his sin?
He may not believe it’s wrong.
The Bible clearly teaches that looking at a person with lust involves the same root sin as acting out sexually (Matthew 5:28). However, many Christians today are confused about sexual sin, lust, and pornography. According to a recent Barna survey, only one in three Christians reported feeling guilty when they watched pornography, and 39% said they were comfortable with how much pornography they watched.
If your husband is (or if you are!) on the fence about whether or not porn is bad, check out our article, Is Porn Bad?: 10 Things to Consider Before Watching.
He may not understand how hurtful it is.
Even if he believes it’s wrong to look at other women online, your husband may not understand how this hurts you and damages your relationship. For many, watching pornography is a private, personal habit, and they don’t understand how it affects other people in their lives. Men in particular often compartmentalize this part of their life, and often do not understand how looking at other women might affect the woman they truly care about.
For more, see Why Does My Husband Look at Porn and Say He Loves Me?
He might be struggling with a pornography addiction.
Many men know that porn is wrong; they hate that it hurts their loved ones, and they want desperately to quit—but they’re addicted. If your husband is addicted to porn, he’s still responsible for his actions, and it’s still sin. But an addict may be trapped by his sin even though he hates it.
What does it mean to be addicted to porn? As with drug and alcohol addiction, many people become conditioned over time to crave pornography and rely on it as a form of self-medication. If someone is addicted, this likely goes back many years to a formative experience with pornography.
10 Signs of Porn Addiction: Do these describe your husband?
His sin isn’t about you.
If your husband is looking at other women online, then it hurts you like nobody else. It may feel like a personal attack. It’s important to remember that despite this, his sin is not about you. Many men blame their wives for their wandering eyes, but this is false! His choice to look at other women is not your fault, and he will need to accept responsibility for how his actions are hurting you.
7 Steps to Take When Your Husband Looks at Other Women
So what is a Christian wife to do when she discovers her husband is looking at other females online?
1. Listen objectively.
Before passing judgment or reacting in anger or disappointment, listen as objectively as you can. Don’t jump to conclusions. Listen with discernment to be sure you have the facts. Is his story consistent with what you know? Listen carefully (Proverbs 18:13).
2. Start the conversation between the two of you.
The discussion begins privately between the two of you (Matthew 18:15). Try to understand his depth of involvement, but it is rare to get the whole story the first time. God didn’t get it straight from Adam and Eve, and your husband isn’t likely to respond much better without help.
But a good discussion is two-way, so ask him to listen to how you are feeling and how his sin affects your marriage and also his relationship with the Lord. Appeal to him to get help.
If he refuses, Matthew 18:16-17 says to involve help. Be discerning about whom you choose to involve, and keep the circle small. Don’t run to others who are not a part of the problem or a part of the solution. That includes other family members. Gossip is destructive, even if it is true.
3. Evaluate his attitude toward his sin.
Is his heart attitude toward his sin one of repentance or excuses and justification? Anger indicates a lack of repentance. Worldly sorrow feels bad that he got caught. Godly sorrow produces the fruit of repentance, which is to change. Pray that he will come to a place of true godly sorrow (2 Corinthians 7:10).
But what if he doesn’t want help? Neither did the Prodigal Son initially. Keep praying and trusting God, and get help for yourself!
It is easy to focus on his sin, but you must choose to focus on your faithful Lord instead, and on your own growth through this difficult trial (James 1:2-4). Your husband’s desire for pornography is not about you—though every wife I’ve counseled initially believed she should have been enough for him and that it is somehow her fault. It is not! He chose to sin.
4. Encourage him to find another trusted man to talk with.
He will need people who can listen with compassion and humility, and who know we all are candidates to sin (Galatians 6:1-5). God has given you permission to involve those who can help! The truth will come easier when a pastor, counselor, or friend listens and then guides him into accountability in love, not in shame or anger, because love unifies and encourages (James 1:19-20). The goal is restoration.
5. Determine what kind of help you both need.
The depth of involvement that comes out of these discussions will determine the kind of help you need. Will a men’s accountability group and installing Covenant Eyes be enough? Perhaps for some men, yes. Godly sorrow produces change! Others will need more intense individual counseling with godly men who can unpack perhaps years of wrong thinking and help them develop a lifestyle of self-control in moral purity.
Wives often do not make good counselors or accountability partners for their husbands, but function best in the God-given roles to support, encourage, and pray for their husband’s growth in sanctification. (Learn more about the pros and cons of spouses as accountability partners.)
In fact, you as the wife will need your own counselor and encouragement as you go through this trial! Choose a counselor that will keep you pointed vertically and that will use Scripture to teach, comfort, and guide you through this difficult time in your marriage. As each of you focus on your own growth and sanctification, in time you will unify into that three-fold cord that is not easily broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12).
6. Model grace and mercy.
God the Father so graciously bestows grace and mercy on each of us when we sin and repent, and we should model this too. Forgiveness comes with true repentance and change; it is choosing to model after the way God forgives us. Rebuilding trust is the process that takes more time, observing his accountability, faithfulness, and consistency. But trust first begins vertically: trusting God even when you fear a future fraught with anxiety, with or without him. Going vertical strengthens you to face your anxieties and disappointments, and to choose forgiveness when there are no guarantees.
Related: 10 Things Forgiveness Is Not
7. Work on your communication and relationship as a couple.
After he is growing in his vertical relationship with the Lord, it is time to evaluate the horizontal in every sphere. When a crisis in a marriage becomes a stepping stone to greater growth and intimacy, it strengthens the relationship and builds a platform for ministry to other couples in crisis.
Hi, I found this site so timely. 2 days ago I found out that my husband has watched porn on YouTube. This is the 3rd time I caught. First time he did, I confronted him and he said it’s really no big deal… I didn’t confront him the 2nd and 3rd time he watched coz I’m tired of it and felt betrayed. We’ve been married for almost 9 years now but our s** activity can be counted by fingers only. We’re having a hard time on this because I am inexperienced woman( which Christian must be)I lost my trust in him. I don’t know who and where to seek help, coz it’s so embarrassing if I share this even to a trusted friend. Does this habit of him watching porn resulted from our lack of physical intimacy? What must I do… would love to hear from you. Thanks a lot!
Hey Jasmin,
Your husband’s porn habit is a result of one thing only: his choices. I don’t know why he is making those choices, but I know it is NOT YOUR FAULT. Please don’t think that “if I just gave him more sex” that he would be “fixed.” These are his choices, and his behaviors to correct if he chooses.
I would encourage you to find a counselor who can help you process through what’s going on here, and help you move past your embarrassment about sex so that you can understand the reality of your marriage and make choices that will result in health boundaries for you. I would also encourage you to check out the online resources at Bloom for Women.
Here, here, and here are some articles on healthy boundaries that you may find useful.
Whatever your husband chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy and whole.
Peace,
Kay
I try to be a good Christian woman and I know that we are both in the wrong for having sex out of wedlock. But my fiance used to always watch porn and it hurt me really bad. One day my best friend was joking and said look imma buy you a dildo because we rarely had sex. Before this I had confronted him multipul times about the porn issue. So after my friend said this I went home and told him what she was going to do and he told me i couldn’t have one because it would make him feel like he wasn’t enough and make him feel less of a man. I then told him fine we’ll make a deal you stop watching porn and I won’t get a dildo. But he didn’t stop he only learned how to delete his history until I discoverd mygoogleactivity. I had his password so I decided to see for my self and there it was. I confronted him about it and showed him the proof. He then admitted and said it wouldn’t happen again but it still happened and the sex slowed down even more to about once a month. I’ve expressed every time that I want him to tell me and there was a few times that I offered to him to change his password. hed tell me that he would rather me see so he’s discouraged. And other times he would yell at me for checking it. A few weeks ago he was looking it up just as I checked and I tried to call him to discourage him and hope that if he saw my name pop up his exitement would vanish and he would answer the phone. He didn’t and we he came home he had this big story of how a coworker had his phone while he was doing a job and he found it on the phone. I almost believed him till I listened to his voice looking something else up 2 minutes before the porn. He started yelling at me about checking his activity so once again I offered him to change the password. I’ve tried to tell him that if he does it again than I’m going to take a break from our relationship but he says he’s probably kill him self if I left him or when i ask him if he cheats on me he would say he’s probably kill him self if he ever cheated on me. There has been so many chances given yet I don’t see the change. What do I do? There have been times that he yells at me saying its not easy to get over watching porn. But he has had 2 years to stop I’ve tried praying I’ve tried getting my pastor to talk to him I’ve tried everything I could think of including that ill move in with my daughters godmom because I’m a stay at home mom and she could help never a daycare job. So please tell me if there is any. Chance in saving our relationship. He has lost all of my trust and respect yet I still stay and fight his own demons when I already have depression anxiety and ptsd. Please HELP!
Jamie,
When someone threatens to kill themselves if you leave, that threat is emotional abuse.
Yelling at you for checking his phone is verbal and emotional abuse.
Yelling at you for any reason is verbal and emotional abuse.
It is not your job to stay and fight his demons. If he wants to fight his demons, that is his job.
The porn is actually the least of my worries here; my major concern is that you are in a relationship with an abusive man who refuses to take responsibilty for himself. He wants you to take responsibility for him, and you are doing that. This is a pattern that will never result in healing for him or for you.
There is nothing you can do to make him better. He has to do that work himself.
However, you have the full and complete capacity to take responsibility for yourself and remove yourself from an abusive relationship if you wish.
You might appreciate the many articles and resources at Domestic Shelters. I would also recommend the work of Lundy Bancroft to you, especially his book Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Peace to you,
Kay
So, what after repentance, do you do if your husband keeps doing it. He just gets more sophisticated with covering it up. And I got Step 1 totally off. Why are women supposed to be perfect, and men need understanding.
Hey Marcia,
Yeah, if he’s still doing it, he ain’t repented :) Repentance means CHANGE. And of course change takes time but you should be seeing progress, and NOT in his ability to cover it up!!!
I’d say have a look at your boundaries. Here, here, and here are some articles to get you started.
You’d probably also appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women. Such great support there!
Peace,
Kay
Amen Marcia! I love how WE wives are supposed to show grace and work on communication and setting healthy boundaries while the husband continues to “stumble”, hurt us and lie. They don’t care. It’s like a fish with a hook in it’s mouth. The bait is tempting but eventually consuming it WILL kill you.
My husband and I have been married for 29 years this past Sunday
He has committed adultery with dozens of prostitutes and was arrested for soliciting prostitutes. He was also watching pornography. He blamed it all on me. I was broken to the point of physical illness, due to a compromised immune system. I was I’ll for almost two years. We went to counseling but he didn’t follow up on anything he was advised to do. He is also a verbally abusive alcoholic.
It’s been four years since I first found out about his cheating. The alcohol has not stopped. The verbal abuse has not stopped and he won’t do anything to get help. I busted him watching pornography again and he blamed the alcohol, not himself. He neglects his spiritual leadership role and only lives to gratify his flesh. He is a sex addict and alcoholic. He makes me feel dirty and I feel sexually harassed all the time.
I have filed for divorce three times in the last two years and withdrew the suit.
I have been an Executive/Legal Assistant for 33 years and have decided to follow my dream of being a personal/private chef. I have relaunched my business, I’m writing a cookbook and I will be working as a cook at an assisted living facility, under the mentorship of an Executive Chef, who is an ordained minister. My dream to minister to people through food has come true.
The marriage has been severed by his adulteries, and verbal abuse and brutality. I need to move on and legally end this marriage so I can do the things the Lord has set before me, without being afraid of what’s going to happen when I get home? Will he shame me again publicly by his immoral behavior. Will my health fail again because my immune system can’t stand the trauma?
I am filing for divorce again and I need to trust God that he will provide for me. I need prayer for the strength to let go of a toxic and volatile marriage that nearly cost me my life. I can’t change him and he won’t submit to God to change. I have to let it go. Please pray for me.
I believe God is releasing me, I’m just afraid to be alone after all these years. Afraid I’ll fail and have to run back to him. How sick does that sound? Running back to the person who has ruined my life repeatedly, and mercilessly. God has plans for me for good and not evil.
“Courage, Dear Heart,” Aslan says to Lucy in the Chronicles of Narnia by CS Lewis. Courage.
Im so sad, angry.. not quiet sure how i feel. We made love last night and he did a funny thing afterwards with my bum. I found it odd.. im married to him for over 15 years. Something didn’t feel right. The morning came and i went onto his instagram. There it was recent searched.. naked chicks. This was obviously before he came to bed. I asked him this morning he needs to decide if its me that he wants. He went off at me. Told me to stop treating him like a little child. Who gave me the right to go on his phone. If i go on his phone again i must bring the papers.. or better yet bring the papers now. I don’t know what to do.. im torn up inside. i don’t feel good enough for him .. why you looking at other woman before you come to bed.. im gutted
I’m so sorry. The way he turned everything back around onto you is typical of someone who knows they’ve violated their own personal values, and doesn’t want to face it. Blaming you instead of owning up to his behavior allowed him to deflect from the real issue. It’s a common defense mechanism called gaslighting.
Is this the kind of relationship you want to be a part of? If you’re okay with this, carry on. If not, then consider what healthy boundaries will look like for you, given the situation. Here, here, and here are some articles to get started with.
You might also appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women.
Peace to you,
Kay
What about the military wives who yes, stay with thier husbands for years, ”suffer” through the seperation of deployments. By cheating, lying, staying at home never working and making little to no effort to support their spouse. I have a family member who has been deployed for a year this time. His so called wife of 15 plus years only messages him about money. Did not bother to see him off, or try to contact him at all for a month, and then was only about more money. Has he been perfect? No, he’s human. But he takes his vow to her seriously, and refuses to leave, even when she slept with his best friend. I have seen it a million times. He’s a paycheck when away, and an pain when he is home
my fiance has lied to me our whole 5 year relationship about looking at porn and mostly just pics of sexy women. hes told me over and over that he will stop. but each time i always find it on his phone. i dont understand why he cant stop. he told me he doesnt even get off to it- he just looks because he e njoys seeing other women1?!!?!?!??! how is that okay?!?!?!?! i cant trust him at all anymore and he wonders why!
i want to get over this and trust him but how. he recently been going to this group at his church for the past 2 months and it was going good but i found sexy pics 2 days ago! he cannot stop! and he denies it
I think it’s really important to BELIEVE HIS BEHAVIOR! He has shown you his reality over and over for 5 years. It’s time to believe what he’s showing you, and to think about whether this is how you want to live the rest of your life: with someone who says one thing and does another.
Of course you don’t trust him: he is not trustworthy. He continues in untrustworthy behavior, and he lies to you about it.
Believe his behavior, and decide if this is what you want. If so, continue! If not, move on.
Here, here, and here are some articles on healthy boundaries that you might find helpful,
Kay
Hi. I’m very irritated and annoyed. I’ve been married 2 & 1/2 years and my husband has been looking at porn, secting other women, flirting with other women, talking to other women on social media etc. So I confronted him and instead of him trying to understand how I feel he becomes defensive and says well if you didn’t hurt me(meaning argue with him over non related issues. Mostly our children cause we are a blended family) then he would do what he did. So I’m the cause of him doing what he does. He can’t go hang out with the fellas, go to the movies, anything but disrespect me and our vows. I can admit that I no longer love him or respect him and to top it off he claims to be a Christian and tries to throw the religion card in my face constantly when he’s the walking devil in my opinion. I’m trying to live right and do right in this marriage but my insides want to give him a taste of his own medicine. I know God will handle it but I want revenge now and i want him to hurt like he’s hurt me.
What I’ve come to realize in all my living is that most men are nasty creatures (not saying women can’t be the same) but men are nasty. Go look at your neighborhood sec offender list and 99% offenders are men. They act like animals and it’s very sad. I have no hope that things will ever change because evil is lurking around constantly and it’s starting first with our husbands.
I wish it weren’t so, but it’s very common for men to throw up walls of rationalization, blame shifting, and other defense mechanisms, along with gaslighting, when they’re discovered violating their own values. You know it’s not your fault that he makes unhealthy choices. And you know that having a blended family is tough, but it’s not an excuse for acting out sexually.
You choose the boundaries that are healthy for you. Here, here, and here are some articles that might help. Whatever he chooses, you choose to be healthy.
I think that our current culture, the way that men and women are raised, is toxic to both men and women. As women, we know how it’s toxic to us! But I think the “nastiness” you see is really just a display of the toxicity to men. They are raised to ignore and repress emotions: “big boys don’t cry,” “be a man.” And then they are told that it’s okay to act out: “boys will be boys.” PLUS there’s the huge burden of shame around sexuality in Christian culture, AND men being told that they have to be the spiritual leader. It’s a mess.
My hope is for the future, that we raise both men and women to be more emotionally intelligent, more self-responsible, and more capable of dealing with life in healthy ways instead of all the acting out, objectifying, blame, and shame.
Peace to you,
Kay
I have caught my boyfriend several times viewing porn throughout these past three years. When we were dating I didn’t think to much of it it we lived 2 hours away and I only seen him on weekends. We moved into together in May and in July I found it in his history and asked him to stop that it truly hurts me. He stopped for awhile and now I recently found him looking up girls scrolling online. He says it’s innocent because they have clothes on? I have not found any evidence of him setting on getting on dating websites it’s the ogling of women constantly. He said all men do it blah blah blah. I told him to leave that I’m done. Now he’s willing to get a flip phone? I’m not sure if I can keep trusting him. What is your advice??
Hey Leslie,
Trust is earned by trustworthy people. Is he trustworthy?
Does he understand that his male entitlement is the underlying problem, or is he just making a concession to you with the flip phone so he can continue to ogle women because that’s just what men do?
I would say that you probably know the answer to these questions, and so then you just have to decide if this is okay with you or not okay with you.
Peace,
Kay
I have been married for 16 years. All the while I have always noticed my husband checking out other women and how flirting he was to them. We have 2 girls and they have even saw him winking at waitress. A little over two years ago I found out that he had been looking at porn sexting and only God knows what else. What’s amazing to me is how God through preaching reviled it to me. I was in a revival at my church and the preacher stated if you are not good to your wife it’s because you have sin in your life and you need to get in the alter. My husband and I don’t go to the same church but after hearing those words the wheels in my head started turning. That’s when I started praying for the truth to come out. I prayed no matter how bad it hurts to show me the truth and that I would give God thanks for showing me. About two weeks later God showed me. It has hurt me so much but I think God he loves me enough that he doesn’t want me to live in lies. I have been experiencing some of the same things as the other women. I haven’t been eating good. I don’t feel like I’m good enough. I worry what he is doing when he is gone. I have the same feeling when we have sex that he is thinking about someone else. Well when the truth come out. First thing he said to me was I was not getting alamoni
He left then came back and told me how sorry he was. He started going to church with me and our girls. I thought he was trying really hard. He didn’t watch much TV. That only lasted about 2 month. Then he started being distant again yelling at me again fussing at me staying gone alot. I have felt alot of anger and hate coming from him. I don’t know why but one day out of the blue he decided that he wanted us to do counseling. I hesitated because I had suggested it in the past. He would tell me that there was nothing wrong with him that I was the one with the problem. I decided to go that way I can say in my heart I have tried everything. We only went 2 times and he wouldn’t make another appointment. So unfortunately it was another dead end. Recently I found out he has two computers I never new he had. I’m so tired of the secrets and lies. I mean come on enough is enough. We are women in charge of our happy Ness. Our joy comes from the Lord Not our husbands. I know God wants us to be happy. I think God he is helping me through this. Even when I feel like I’m going to fall he lifts me up with his arms. In my heart I feel my marriage is over. I’m not going to keep letting him do this to me. It breaks my heart I had such a great hope that my marriage was going to make it. I think he really just don’t care about me. So why should I hold on to him when he let me go along time ago. Another thing I almost forgot he got another checking account and his statements are sent to his grandma house. He must think I’m stupid but I know he is hiding something. I am so battered but by God’s grace we can all make it through this. I will be praying for all of you. If y’all get a chance read in the Bible Malachi chapter 2 vs 13-16. This scripture has been a help to me. To one of the resent post don’t do to them what they have done to us. We will have to answer to God if we did. They are going to answer to God for what they have done to us. Vinyance is my says the Lord. God bless you all I pray he gives us all peace.
Wow, Jessica, it sounds like he is hiding a LOT. It sounds like he has brief periods of trying hard before submerging back into the muck that he’s caught in.
I’m glad you have been able to face the truth, even though it’s scary. I agree, it’s time to face up to the reality that he has broken the marriage covenant long ago, repeatedly, and decide what is healthy for you given the true circumstances of the relationship.
I hope you will find a counselor who can help you process your emotions and build healthy boundaries. Here, here, and here are some articles that may help.
You are NOT a slave to his sin! You are free, and fully valuable safe and beloved. Live a life worthy of your value.
Peace to you,
Kay
Men are visual creatures who love naked women. Naked women are all over the internet. They may seem real, but they are not. I would just ignore it, or better yet, find your own porn to look at. Leave evidence of your browsing where he can see it. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Dress sexy, get other men to really notice you. Flirt with them. Print out pictures of impossibly handsome, muscled men and use them as bookmarks. Get playing cards of hot men, get as many things as you can around the house of gorgeous, hot, sexy men and make sure the hub notices. If it doesn’t bother him, keep adding more. Frame some photos of really handsome, sexy men and put them on your nightstand. Look at them while having sex. Stop doing his laundry. Stop cooking for him. Get yourself a vibrator and use it when he can hear you (while looking at pics of hot men of course), dress up, go out with friends. Make yourself happy! Either he will come to his senses or not, but at least you won’t be feeling sorry for yourself or wasting time checking up on him. Join a swingers website. Spend a LOT of time on your phone/computer without him seeing where you are going (maybe you’re browsing shoes?) and when he gets close, shut the computer/phone. In other words, stop being a freaking doormat!! Jeez! Why do you want to live your life checking up on him? That sucks! He will find a way to look at porn or craigslist or whatever. It is not real! You snooping on him is probably the biggest turn off for him that he can imagine! Why waste your time??? You do you! He will find you much more interesting if you are your own person with your own sexual needs. Try it.
Debbie needs to see a therapist. Do NOT consider this to be wise advice. It WILL not go well for you.