Why would your husband look at another woman, whether online or in real life? From billboards to sex flicks to websites and chat rooms, opportunities are rampant. And it’s as easy as “sexting” pictures of oneself and others. The format matters little. The results are the same: devastation. Because it’s easily accessible in secret, it can be a very private sin, but the result is a very large explosion!
The secrecy surely magnifies the betrayal, anger, and horror a wife feels when she discovers her husband looks at other women online. She may have known he used to do this but believed he lived in victory. Or she may have been clueless about his habit and feels duped by him. Still, she knows it is not “normal” and feels violated, exposed in shame that the man she trusted has taken what was sacred between them and viewed other women and other acts in violation of their sacred covenant of marriage. It is among the worst betrayals!
The wife’s biggest pain is that porn is a fantasy hidden away in his mind. It can’t be stopped unless he chooses. A wife can’t compete with a fantasy. She loses faith that their intimacy is real—it may just be a part of his fantasy about someone else he’s viewed. If she withdraws, he may use that as an excuse to keep looking at other women. If she gives, she may feel used, not loved.
It feels like a no-win.
Update From the Editor
Why Your Husband Is Looking at Other Women Online
What could bring your husband to look at another woman when he claims to love you? Is he just lying? Or is there something more complicated to his sin?
He may not believe it’s wrong.
The Bible clearly teaches that looking at a person with lust involves the same root sin as acting out sexually (Matthew 5:28). However, many Christians today are confused about sexual sin, lust, and pornography. According to a recent Barna survey, only one in three Christians reported feeling guilty when they watched pornography, and 39% said they were comfortable with how much pornography they watched.
If your husband is (or if you are!) on the fence about whether or not porn is bad, check out our article, Is Porn Bad?: 10 Things to Consider Before Watching.
He may not understand how hurtful it is.
Even if he believes it’s wrong to look at other women online, your husband may not understand how this hurts you and damages your relationship. For many, watching pornography is a private, personal habit, and they don’t understand how it affects other people in their lives. Men in particular often compartmentalize this part of their life, and often do not understand how looking at other women might affect the woman they truly care about.
For more, see Why Does My Husband Look at Porn and Say He Loves Me?
He might be struggling with a pornography addiction.
Many men know that porn is wrong; they hate that it hurts their loved ones, and they want desperately to quit—but they’re addicted. If your husband is addicted to porn, he’s still responsible for his actions, and it’s still sin. But an addict may be trapped by his sin even though he hates it.
What does it mean to be addicted to porn? As with drug and alcohol addiction, many people become conditioned over time to crave pornography and rely on it as a form of self-medication. If someone is addicted, this likely goes back many years to a formative experience with pornography.
10 Signs of Porn Addiction: Do these describe your husband?
His sin isn’t about you.
If your husband is looking at other women online, then it hurts you like nobody else. It may feel like a personal attack. It’s important to remember that despite this, his sin is not about you. Many men blame their wives for their wandering eyes, but this is false! His choice to look at other women is not your fault, and he will need to accept responsibility for how his actions are hurting you.
7 Steps to Take When Your Husband Looks at Other Women
So what is a Christian wife to do when she discovers her husband is looking at other females online?
1. Listen objectively.
Before passing judgment or reacting in anger or disappointment, listen as objectively as you can. Don’t jump to conclusions. Listen with discernment to be sure you have the facts. Is his story consistent with what you know? Listen carefully (Proverbs 18:13).
2. Start the conversation between the two of you.
The discussion begins privately between the two of you (Matthew 18:15). Try to understand his depth of involvement, but it is rare to get the whole story the first time. God didn’t get it straight from Adam and Eve, and your husband isn’t likely to respond much better without help.
But a good discussion is two-way, so ask him to listen to how you are feeling and how his sin affects your marriage and also his relationship with the Lord. Appeal to him to get help.
If he refuses, Matthew 18:16-17 says to involve help. Be discerning about whom you choose to involve, and keep the circle small. Don’t run to others who are not a part of the problem or a part of the solution. That includes other family members. Gossip is destructive, even if it is true.
3. Evaluate his attitude toward his sin.
Is his heart attitude toward his sin one of repentance or excuses and justification? Anger indicates a lack of repentance. Worldly sorrow feels bad that he got caught. Godly sorrow produces the fruit of repentance, which is to change. Pray that he will come to a place of true godly sorrow (2 Corinthians 7:10).
But what if he doesn’t want help? Neither did the Prodigal Son initially. Keep praying and trusting God, and get help for yourself!
It is easy to focus on his sin, but you must choose to focus on your faithful Lord instead, and on your own growth through this difficult trial (James 1:2-4). Your husband’s desire for pornography is not about you—though every wife I’ve counseled initially believed she should have been enough for him and that it is somehow her fault. It is not! He chose to sin.
4. Encourage him to find another trusted man to talk with.
He will need people who can listen with compassion and humility, and who know we all are candidates to sin (Galatians 6:1-5). God has given you permission to involve those who can help! The truth will come easier when a pastor, counselor, or friend listens and then guides him into accountability in love, not in shame or anger, because love unifies and encourages (James 1:19-20). The goal is restoration.
5. Determine what kind of help you both need.
The depth of involvement that comes out of these discussions will determine the kind of help you need. Will a men’s accountability group and installing Covenant Eyes be enough? Perhaps for some men, yes. Godly sorrow produces change! Others will need more intense individual counseling with godly men who can unpack perhaps years of wrong thinking and help them develop a lifestyle of self-control in moral purity.
Wives often do not make good counselors or accountability partners for their husbands, but function best in the God-given roles to support, encourage, and pray for their husband’s growth in sanctification. (Learn more about the pros and cons of spouses as accountability partners.)
In fact, you as the wife will need your own counselor and encouragement as you go through this trial! Choose a counselor that will keep you pointed vertically and that will use Scripture to teach, comfort, and guide you through this difficult time in your marriage. As each of you focus on your own growth and sanctification, in time you will unify into that three-fold cord that is not easily broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12).
6. Model grace and mercy.
God the Father so graciously bestows grace and mercy on each of us when we sin and repent, and we should model this too. Forgiveness comes with true repentance and change; it is choosing to model after the way God forgives us. Rebuilding trust is the process that takes more time, observing his accountability, faithfulness, and consistency. But trust first begins vertically: trusting God even when you fear a future fraught with anxiety, with or without him. Going vertical strengthens you to face your anxieties and disappointments, and to choose forgiveness when there are no guarantees.
Related: 10 Things Forgiveness Is Not
7. Work on your communication and relationship as a couple.
After he is growing in his vertical relationship with the Lord, it is time to evaluate the horizontal in every sphere. When a crisis in a marriage becomes a stepping stone to greater growth and intimacy, it strengthens the relationship and builds a platform for ministry to other couples in crisis.
I also have a husband who looks at other women online. We have been dealing with this for over 8 years now. I suspect longer. The first few times I caught him, he swore he would never do it again. I prayed that was true. However, I found a series of exchanges between he and another woman whom he had never met, a Craigslist ad, and a few other things, and everything was so explicit. I felt so defeated, dirty, and unloved. He sought help, but I feel now, that that was only because I caught him. I thought I had forgiven him. I figured, God has forgiven me for the multitude of things I’ve done. Who am I, not to offer my husband that forgiveness? Just a few weeks ago, I found that he has been looking again at images online. How do I know when enough is enough already? We have three children and I couldn’t bear to see our family broken apart, but I also am tired of the hurt and disappointment, and feel so broken. I’m not sure I can go through this again. It is truly heartbreaking.
Oh, Renee, I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve been living with for so long. I think your situation has a number of complicating factors–like all situations!
One of the first things that stands out to me is your husband’s ongoing struggle. I wonder what kind of support he’s getting? Addiction is a tough thing to beat, and willpower is generally not enough. Here’s an article with some practical suggestions and spiritual principles as well that might help him. I think that even with the best intentions, recovery from addiction is a long road. It’s primarily his road, too. He has to take responsibility for it.
The second issue I see here is the question of boundaries: when is enough, enough? That’s such a personal call, and everybody handles that differently. There’s a book I really like, a free download, called Hope After Porn, that you might want to check out. It’s four different women sharing their stories of boundaries in their marriages.
The third issue you raise is forgiveness. We forgive freely, like you said, because God has forgiven us. Forgiveness is free. But TRUST is EARNED. And it’s earned by trustworthy behavior over time. You can forgive AND have boundaries!
You’re right, Renee. This is heartbreaking. May the great Healer of your heart hold you close today, as you walk this road. Thanks for letting us walk with you.
I have done something awful which I feel makes me as bad as my husband. He doesn’t work so I get up early, put in a day at the office, come home to work in another business at home, keep house, pay the bills etc. I get really tired and in truth I’m not well. Of course my husband is not tired – he has all day to do what he wants but doesn’t do much to help out. When I go to bed I’m tired out and I can’t remember when I had a day off to myself to relax.
Anyway, recently he has either stopped coming to bed with me or comes but then gets up again. This means I leave him sleeping in every morning when I go to work which I am coming to resent and then of course he is not tired at night because he has not been up so early. A few times I have got up and gone to his study to find him looking at porn or quickly shutting something down when I walk in. I became suspicious and so I put some keylogger software on our computer. I feel bad about this but I was fearful of what he was doing when I wasn’t there.
It seems he is not actually meeting anyone but he is chatting on a number of websites in a sexual way. It has also revealed some things about him I didn’t know he was into.
I felt I needed to know the truth but now I have found it in this way I feel it places me in the wrong and I don’t know how to confront him. The fact that I bought the computer, pay for the electricity that runs it and pays for everything else in his life made me feel like I had some right to know what was going on – not to mention that we are married and the promises her made to me.
I have tried having a conversation that if he worked, even part time, did things in the house while I was out etc I would not be so tired and would have more time to spend with him, but he just got angry, made an effort for a day and then went back to the computer.
I love him and want my marriage but I am not prepared to have him spend his energies on other women and not me.
Hi Juliet,
It would be easy for anyone to minimize what you’ve done in the light of the greater offense your husband has been committing. Make no mistake: his is most certainly the greater offense. What he’s doing to you and to your marriage is deplorable. At the same time, you are sensitive to your own shortcomings in the matter, and I don’t want to tell you to ignore your conscience.
I would approach him this way. “I’ve walked in on you while you were looking at porn on the computer, so I installed a keylogger to see about the extent of what you’ve been doing online. I know that probably upsets you because I’ve spied on you, and I should have asked you what you were doing before trying to snoop around, so I’m sorry that I handled this poorly. If you want to talk about the issue of privacy in our marriage some time, we can talk about that later. But right now I want to talk about what I’ve seen in your behavior online that has disturbed me…”
If he wants to make it about you spying on him, then I would say this: “You are right that I shouldn’t spy on you. That’s why I intend to leave all the devices in our home monitored with your full knowledge. The last thing I want to do is snoop, and the last thing our marriage needs is me keeping a secret from you. And it is precisely because I think these kinds of secrets are a bad thing that I’m worried about what you’re doing online. Your private conversations online that you’re intentionally keeping from me offend me in ways I cannot even describe…”
If he protests you monitoring him, say this: “I understand you want your privacy online, but at the cost of my trust? I know what you look at online and your insistence that you be allowed unmonitored time online only deepens the distrust that you’ve earned. I want to trust you again. I want our marriage to thrive. But to do that, you need to earn the trust that you’ve lost.”
These are, of course, just my thoughts and just the beginning of the conversation. There are a whole host of other issues at play here: (1) the fact that he’s basically trampling all over your vows by watching porn, (2) the fact that he doesn’t have a job and is lazy, and (3) that he insists on you picking up all the slack around your house. These all need to be addressed as well.
I have been married for 9 years aND have constantly found my husband looking at porn texting other girls, even found a ad on Craigslist once for some one to have sex with him, although he claims a friend put up the ad as a prank, I have never fully believed that since the words in the ad sounded like him and how would his friend now his personal email address and be replying to the ad. I even once found an email to another girl saying he wanted to be with her, but he stated that was a mistake aND didn’t knowant what he was thinking when he said it. This is all through out our marriage aND now we have two kids, I still catch him looking at other women and going on the chive and instagram looking at images. He says he will never stop looking at other women because he is a man and that’s what men do, all men do it so if I can’t deal go marry a priest. I just feel so worthless, I do everything a wife should and I’m still not good enough, he has to look at other women too. I believe cheating in your mind can be just as bad as the physical kind because of the emotional damage it can create. I pray that everything works out, but I just feel like my husband is settling for me since he feels he can’t have these super models so he just imagines that I’m them. I feel this will always be a struggle in our marriage and I pray for the strength to make it through…
Hi Jessica,
What your husband is doing to you is awful—common, yes, but still awful. Yes, “that’s what men do,” but they don’t have to. I hope the above article was helpful to you, but if you’re looking for more information, this free e-book might a great help to you in this situation.
All I can say is what you look like doesn’t matter a bit. I have been 5’6″ and about 115 lbs since I was a freshman in high school. I could be one of those girls in undie magazines. but eeewww. I’m not the type of girl to wear tons of make-up or wear little jean shorts. I would say my “sex appeal” is a bit conservative. I was raised in a catholic environment, and understand lady like behavior more than the average woman in 2014. But what other women do can’t be stopped. They will wear short skirts and too much lipstick and too much temptation. They will pose and take horrible pictures for every man to look at. Yay!
I am turning 30 in December and I already I feel like I can never compete with these, lack of a better word, tramps. I have spent the past 15 years keeping my body in shape, and being reserved. I had a 4 year relationship straight out of high school, but he found another girl. I had another 4 year relationship right after that. He became extremely abusive, then I came home unexpected and found three purses on our bed (one with overnight clothes, one with personal stuff, and the other with bath products). There was perfume on the counter in my bathroom. Needless to say, but my heart was pounding out of my chest. THEN, I get involved in another relationship, almost made it 4 years, but he also found another woman. They all found porn, I found videos, pictures, all the needed proof.
Just last night, my new boyfriend who seemed kinda geeky, turned out to be a horrible offender. His brand new phone he got yesterday ALREADY had a direct link to “dallas adult entertainment” which featured women with ads out offering “body rubs.” I went blank.
My sister told me I AM ONE OF THE HOTTEST CHICKS SHE KNOWS AND ANYONE WHO WANTS SOMETHING ELSE IS CRAZY. Coming from her, it was an honest compliment, because she has always said she was jealous of me being tiny.
Men are gross. Being a man does not make it okay to be so disrespectful. We are women and deserve to be treated with more class. We are not live in porn dolls for fantasies.
To the women who take the pictures, shame on you. And to the men who look at them, big shame on you.
Hey Alison, I think you’re absolutely right–it doesn’t matter how beautiful you are, that’s not what the problem is here! Unfortunately, pornography is so incredibly prevalent these days that hardly anybody isn’t impacted by it. I think we pretty much have to assume that guys ARE looking at porn, and then look for the signs that THEY are willing to deal with it. I wish that we didn’t have to deal with it, but this is how the world is right now.
One of the things that we KNOW happens when guys look at porn is they do start to be more susceptible to cheating and acting out. Again, that’s not about how you look, that’s about the process of addiction.
The good news is, guys CAN stop. They CAN get better. They have to do the work, though, and that takes time and a lot of effort on their part.
Meanwhile, you’re left with a lot of hurt and anger at how your trust has been abused. I’m so, so sorry that you’re having to deal with this, and I WISH our culture, especially our church culture, was more open and supportive to everyone involved. I’m glad you found us here!
I wrote an article for girlfriends just a couple of months ago. I don’t know if any of that will help you in your next relationship, but I hope so! Please let me know if there’s anything else we can do to be a support to you.
I am going through the same thing as other mentioned before me. We were on vacation of all places when my husband had his phone open sending a vacation landscape picture to one of his coworkers. Harmless…but after he hit send his phone reverted back to his photo album and lo and behold was a thin young flat bellied lady with her bra and panties on. I never ever look at his phone, nor go through it, after less than one year of marriage why would I? I trusted him. So, after asking him over and over he still lied to my face saying he didnt know how the picture got there, didnt know who she was, thought someone at his job picked up his phone and played a joke on him. My gut told me that this was a big fat lie so I took his phone for the first time and hit all the app buttons and found a new email he had set up with many sent messages on craigslist of NSA and offered one lady 200 to have her all night. He sent a naked picture of his penis to them all too. Who even knows when you “talk” to women on craigslist if they are really women anyway??? I was so upset with grief I slept in my mom’s hotel room with my 13 year old daughter as we were all on vacation together. I bought him a plane ticket home and told him not to go to my house (it was my house before we married he still owns his own home but not living there). I couldnt eat for 2 days and cried my eyes out. I calmly sat him down and asked why the lies, why did he do this and his answer was it was just for fantasy. When does fantasy cross over to become reality? Why do I have to be ok with this might I ask??? Well, he texted me constantly after he arrived home by plane. Begging forgiveness, on his knees begging, pleading, promising he would never do it again. Why did he do it in the first place? Isnt my body good enough, my love good enough, my heart and soul to this man? And we havent been married a year yet. So, I turned to God and prayed and cried and thanked him for revealing this to me even if it had to be during a vacation we planned months ago together. I thanked him for showing me what my husband was doing even if my husband didnt penetrate another woman he did cheat on me. Offering money, keeping photos, sending photos of his penis were just sickening to me. WE DIDNT EVEN DO NAKED PHOTOS WITH ONE ANOTHER!!! So, was it God’s will for us to be together? Yes, it was. So I had to forgive him. Forgive my husband who I don’t know if I will ever trust again. I can tell you that he has been doing the dishes, cleaning, laundry, mowing yard, pulling weeds, taking me to dinner, turning off the tv at night so we can cuddle, sending me flowers twice, cards, jewelry, everything to bribe me to forgive him. Things he didnt do before were many of these things. He always played stupid games on his cell phone at night while we laid in bed and he watched tv all the time after work. Now he puts his phone up, no games, no tv and he even cooked me dinner last night. I appreciate all he is doing to repair our marriage but I wonder if he will go back to his old ways and am hesitant to ever trust him. He was always home after work, he said he just did it at work (emailing strangers to talk dirty and see pictures). He is a mechanic so how do you have time to do this on your phone when you are working on cars? Well, I forgave him but the memory of that lady in her panties haunts me. I will never look like that but am pretty and smart and sexy. Why couldnt that have been enough for him? There is hope to those of you who decide to forgive…I do feel our marriage is stronger, I have his attention for now and he is running on a treadmill to keep me. This has made me aware that most men cheat and you have to decide how you are going to deal with it. Divorce him or forgive him. Even if you decide to divorce him I suggest highly in forgiving him as it will grant you a peace with it I cannot describe. Yes, it is wrong but move on if you cannot deal with what was done to you. You are the only one who can decide if staying is worth it or not. I will pray for all of you and hope my story will help you.
I really feel for all you women who commented. My husband does the same thing, and when I try to talk to him about it calmly and respectfully, he flies into a rage and screams for hours, and blames me. It really makes me sad. I’ve been praying for a long time for God to help me leave him for good.
I really feel for all u woman. I am to going through this painful journey with my husband. Just this week I found out he posts sex ads on craigslist. Do u know how humiliating that makes me feel. We have been married almost a year and as much as I want to believe he is going to quit with the porn and the ads I don’t know if I can take the constant pain of hurt every time I catch him. Especially when I found his ad with convenant eyes program on his phone. He tells me this has been his problem his whole life and that the reason he is doing the ads is to get the same feeling that he gets when he watches porn. How would he feel if I was looking for sexual activity with another man I’m sure I would be the worst person ever. I really hope I have the patience and the support to help. It’s so hard all I can do is cry when he isn’t around.
Hey Alicia, I’m so sorry for the pain you’re going through. Like you, I don’t like the sound of those ads on Craigslist. That sounds to me like his behavior is escalating, which he explains really well: he’s been doing this a long time, and he needs more risky behavior to get the same high he got before from porn. That is a very classic compulsive, addicted pattern. Here’s the thing. HE HAS TO GET HELP FOR HIMSELF. He has to filter his internet, get into a program, have accountability. That can’t be your job. Your job is to have good boundaries, and to let him have the consequences of his choices. We hope and pray that he makes good choices, but we can’t force those on him. Have you read our free download, Hope After Porn? Four women share their stories of what boundaries looked like in their marriages. I think that might be helpful as you consider a way ahead. Let me know what you think! Kay
Lauralee i feel like my story is similar i confront my hisband and he is complete denial hell always have explanations or just laugh it off which infuriates me because im broken i feel betrayed .the worst part is that i have no control over my marriage he is a.manipulater and controls this.marriage i dont want him to touch me i want to be respected and he doesant take me seriously he always s gets what he wantsi feel used we have two small childrren that always see us arguing and i want out but he laughs because he knows that ive never worked he feels in control but seeing otherwomen online isnt just the problem we have no xcommunication he expects me to tell him evthing ,give him what he wants when he wants and with him.its xompletly the opposite he even has password on his phone im ready to get out i cant remember the last time ive actually felt happy i have an unhealthy relationship and my children are suffering with it i need help ive prayed to god to give , me an awnser but thisman doesn’t want to.change he sees nothing wrong with him although he apologizes but he doent know what sorry is. I am very young and deserve so much better thanliving in tjis jail of a.marriage so sorry for a long comment i hope somebody is.kind to read it and help me out thank you
Sounds like you need a lot of support right now. Are there people in your life you can talk about this face to face? Have you considered talking to a counselor?
What your husband is doing to you is deplorable. To manipulate and emotionally abuse a woman is perhaps one of the ugliest common sins of our era. Your husband should be ashamed of himself.
If you liked this post, I highly recommend you read the others Ella has written for us. They address some of your concerns head-on.
What about when he says he is sorry, and then he goes right back to it? The first time I learned he was watching, I felt sad for him and supported him and did all the things the above article says to do. Five years ago, the second time I learned he was watching, I was crushed, thinking we’d worked through it, but I worked hard to forgive him, and I worked harder to make myself a better wife so he wouldn’t be so tempted by the porn movies. He was encouraging at first, saying he thought our marriage was sweeter than ever, but over time, his interest in me faded again. Then I learned he was back to watching the porn. That time I was deeply hurt and felt harshly betrayed. It’s been two years now since that last discovery. My trust is shattered, and I’m struggling with depression. I’m afraid to let myself ever believe that he isn’t watching and fantasizing about other women, no matter what he says, because I don’t want to experience that hurt ever again. What do I do? He was watching movies on adult cable channels when he is away from home, so no filter will work for his accountability. All I have is his word, and I can’t bring myself to trust that. I feel like a hateful wife when I reread all I’m supposed to be doing to support him, which only brings on more depression. How do we get through this? We’ll have been married 20 years next June, and we have three daughters. I don’t want to model how to be a bad wife to them.
Andrea, thanks for your comment.
I am so sorry to hear about what your husband is putting you through.
First and foremost, I think it would be best to meet with someone who can give you face-to-face counsel and advice. He needs to be spoken to like man and told to guard his heart and his marriage, and that’s a word that should come from another man, preferably a spiritual mentor. You need support and encouragement to remain strong in your marriage, learning how to regain trust of him.
I highly recommend you watch these videos by Brad Hambrick, a biblical counselor who has a lot to say about this topic. It will give you a context for where to do next.
Your not a bad wife. He is a porn aholic and if he didn’t get help for his addiction then he thinks it’s ok. And it dosnt matter how u please him and what u look like. There are men who are with models and they have addictions. And there are men who arnt and have none. If u find it again know that u have a right to leave, it is adultry. If he dosnt want help or respect to not waych adult tv cus it hurts u. Then he dosnt care.ive been through it all. And I’m 35 with 4 kids. And I’m fit and pretty as so people say.en think there’s nothing wrong and it won’t affect their love for their wives. But that’s bull! And if he can’t consider ur feelings and honor u, then he needs help
@Andrea – I know you posted this years ago and I pray that your relationship with your husband has improved. I’m reading your post as i am in a similar position with my husband right now in 2018 and it made me realise i am not isolated in my struggle so 5 years later i thank you for that.
Just under a year ago i uncovered his porn addiction, we’ve been together for 15 years, married for 11. I was in denial for a few days searching for possible scenarios to explain the downloads, URL’s and strange websites but i finally couldn’t deny it any longer. I was shattered, he was my best friend, the only person in the whole world who i trusted totally with my whole heart…and i don’t trust people easily which made this even harder to take
When i confronted him he said sorry, that it started when he was a kid and it had nothing to do with me and he didn’t think it was cheating so he didn’t feel that he “betrayed” me and said he felt i was overreacting by calling it cheating. To cut a long story short – i prayed profusely and we talked and argued alot and he finally out of his own went to see a counselor saying he didn’t realise the devastating effect his addiction had on our marriage and me –
he always thought of it as his act of sin against God and felt awful about that (he is a christian), we had joint sessions with the councilor as well and it seemed that we were making progress we were happy.
I still didn’t trust him 100% and the paranoia was still there but we were making progress. Then a few months passed and i woke up in the middle of the night to find him asleep and the TV playing a channel showing R rated movies with SNL R18 age restrictions, i watched a bit before overacting again and it was safe to say it was soft porn. I was guted, i let it go not wanting to rock the boat until i woke up again a few nights later to find the same thing. I couldn’t understand we were intimate, we were communicating, things were good to me at least…I constantly checked in whether he was coping. His response when i confronted him was that I wasn’t fighting for him. I wasn’t flaunting myself to him enough i guess to keep him interested. Again i was guted and withdrew completely which i now know just escalated the issue.
I just couldn’t understand how he took no responsibility and blamed me for his relapse – i understood the relapse getting over an addiction is hard but we agreed he would tell me and we would work through it together. I guess there are a million reasons why he didn’t want to talk about it…
We left it at that i was withdrawn and i just didn’t care anymore, we were civil but the storm was brewing – we made up after a few days and the relationship has been rocky since. Yesterday i found these disgusting R rated TV shows on our saved channel with explicit sex and nudity and foal language again. Now i don’t know what to do…please excuse this very lengthy comment, i don’t have a circle of friends close enough that i can trust with this – i will go and speak to my counselor again for sure but i just needed to get it off my chest…
It seems that he is oblivious to the fact that watching these shows cannot be healthy for a recovering porn addict…i rest my case, i’m so angry i just cry all the time, I hate him and love him so much all at once….Thank you for this article Kay and sharing your stories i know some of you have it so much worse than me, I’m just glad to know we are not alone. May God be with us all, restoring us through His loving kindness
Hey there.
I’m so glad you wrote in, and that this is a safe place to share your pain. Here are some thoughts that come to mind as I read your story here. I hope something here might be helpful to you.
First of all, his recovery is his job. This is not an issue that will be resolved in couples’ counseling. This is an issue that he must work on seriously in therapy, if he is going to recover. I would suggest a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist as a place for him to start. Since this began at such an early age for your husband, he has a lifetime of habits to reverse, the most important being that he needs to learn to cope with emotions in healthy ways, rather than turning to sex to distract himself. This is not a problem isolated to your husband. Most men have been taught to repress and deny emotions from early on (big boys don’t cry) and then to act out sexually instead (boys will be boys, locker room talk).
Secondly, your pain and your boundaries are your job. You need a good, qualified therapist who can help you process through the trauma of this situation (losing your best friend and your marriage relationship to porn is a huge trauma, which often leaves women meeting the criteria for post traumatic stress disorder) AND help you create healthy boundaries for yourself, given the reality of the situation. Here, here, and here are articles in boundaries that you can read.
You will also appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women, which are trauma-informed.
Finally, if your husband does get into serious recovery and is able to do his own work, you’ll begin to wonder about rebuilding trust. It’s important to note that behavioral trust is a good start, but emotional trust is really what the marriage relationship requires over the long term.
Peace to you in the middle of this storm,
Kay
what if the husband repeatedly goes into rages when the wife CALMLY asks questions or confronts? My husband refuses to listen to me, he goes on a defensive attack and screams at me he doesn;t have a problem its my perspective or my imagination, that I’m crazy. He is a text book abuser and has everyone fooled, even his so called accountability group…….tells everyone I’m abusive…to him if I ask him to see his emails or his phone I am being controlling. I go to a domestic violence support grouup and see a therapist who has met my husband….she says he is a master manipulator, I hear from other women the things thier abusers do and its all the same crazy stuff. my husbnad agreeed to install CE onto his phone when he bought it, now he refuses. I want out. I want to get away from this insanity but have no money. please pray from me.
I will pray for you, Lauralee. Your husband does sound like a master manipulator.
Do you have evidence that he’s looking at porn? What does he do when you confront him with what you know and how you know?
I was with my ex for 11 years. Filed for devorce 4 times. He always promised to get help so I would come home. It never happened. Finally I took my two children and left with what I could fit in my car. I went to a women’s shelter and stayed with family. Things got worse but I prayed to god and listened to his words every day. Two years later, I bought my first house, my first new car, and the kids have supervised visits with dad. God says he will do the fighting. All we have to do is show up to the fight and know that God is with us. I had nothing when I left. I now have more than when I was married and not just money. Stepping out on faith alone is hard but so worth it.
I’m not suggesting divorce. My preacher suggested that I leave and tell him to get help and finish all the steps before talking to me about coming home. He couldn’t do it. He chose his sin. He soon started seeing other women and therefor had commited adultery. That’s when I filed for devorce. Stand your ground. Think of your children and be their spiritual leader that their father isn’t being. Maybe he will chose his family unlike my ex. God bless.
Thanks for sharing your story, Christine.
I just read your comments and wondered how things were going for you? It feels awful to feel trapped.
my husband does the same thing smh
Nicole, I am so sorry that he chooses to behave that way, but you are not responsible for his abusive behavior. I hope you know that! I always encourage women in these situations to seek support. Most communities have shelters and support systems for women who are being abused, and I encourage you to take advantage of those resources in your area. Blessings and prayers, Kay
That sounds just like my husband. I even calmly express how it makes me feel yet he still gets angry at me.
I think when that happens, you’re likely looking at a manifestation of his feelings of shame. I recently made a couple of animations to explain both defense mechanisms and gaslighting. I think women often see those behaviors in addicted spouses. It’s hard to be the target of that, but once you understand what it is, you can be prepared with better boundaries next time around. Blessings, Kay
Are you okay now? I just saw this and my heart aches for you
My husband dose the same I alow ed him back and forgave him after 8 mth he promised so many wonderful things and knew how bad porn was and knew that he had no right to get so angry and verbally abusive and made it my fault when I acused him. Even when I had evidence. I still don’t trust him he left 3 times again and one time he came back with porn on YouTube app and thought I wouldn’t find it. He denied it. He is also jealous of me and scared I might find someone better. But he is a manipulator and it’s an act. He erases all his history of porn sites and leaves the news. So ot looks like he dosnt google it at all. He keeps himself from me 2 to 3 nights a wk then he expects me to do oral sex or other gross thing. It’s never enuf for porn aholics. It’s better to be without him. U will have soich peace. God’s word says in corinthians let the unbeliever go for I want u to live in peace. Plus he has committed adultery which gives u a godly reason to leave. Don’t get discourage and take revenge. Just stand firm in Christ
So what do we tell husbands after they discover that their wives are looking at other men?
In general the above 7 steps serve as a good guide for husbands as well. Why do you ask?
Hi my name is ann my husband has problem with porn when i say something an get upset he yells back at me an say you not a real woman if God ,an he say by me gettin upset im not a real evang
Hi Ann. Well, this is tough. It sounds like you and your husband would both identify as Christians? And if that’s so, then your husband probably believes, deep down, that looking at porn is wrong. However, when we do things that we know are wrong, and feel helpless to stop (which is the case with many men who look at porn–they have tried to stop and can’t on their own), then we often start to create a system of explanations for ourselves about why it’s really fine to do what we know we shouldn’t be doing, and if someone else notices that we’re doing something that we know we shouldn’t be doing, we get upset with that other person. In counseling terms, those explanations we tell ourselves and the blame we fling on other people are called defense mechanisms.
In other words, it’s really, really common for wives in your situation to get this kind of reaction: he knows he’s wrong, but he’s going to make you feel bad instead. I’ve made two very short animations, posted on YouTube, that help explain this further: here and here.
Once you understand what’s happening, then you can stop worrying about defending your position, and instead step back and decide what you want to do with what you know to be true. Here and here are two good articles about setting boundaries. And you might also appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women tell their stories of recovery.
I would also encourage you to find a personal counselor and/or a group (Celebrate Recovery, Pure Desire, xxxChurch, S Anon) to support you as you process emotions and work on healthy boundaries.
Blessings, Kay
My husband cheats on me with a girl he works with then I fine out he is going to sex site and talking to them and they have his phone number then I cought hem then he asked me how would I feel if he did a porn movie what should I do
Lisa, I am so, so sorry. It’s time for you to decide what healthy boundaries will look like for you in this situation.
Do you want to stay with a person who cheats on you, uses sex sites, and wants to make porn movies? If so, okay. You’re an adult. You can make that choice.
If you DON’T want to be with a person who cheats on you, uses sex sites, and wants to make porn movies, that’s okay too. You are an adult. You are free to go. That’s a terrible decision to be left with, but it may be the healthiest thing for you. You are the person who decides what healthy looks like for you.
You may want to find a counselor who can help you think this through. A group might also be a good support to you right now. And, there’s an online resource called Bloom that’s a great place to read articles, join forums, and think about what’s healthy for you.
Peace to you, Kay
This is to sd3. Keep it between u and ur wife. And don’t let satan tempt u to explore other woman. My husband left me for porn and I gave him everything and photos. And I’m just as pretty and fit as the nasty porn girls. It’s destructive and u will loose the woman u love and ur mind if u let porn into ur life. Keep up the hiding ur eyes from temptation but remember satan is always right there to destroy a marriage. My husband isn’t saved so if u are u have the Holy Spirit to convict u.
No..the “daughter” isn’t underage. She’s in her early 20s. I’ve been finding out more of the truth little by little and we’ve been talking ALOT. We are also both seeing counselors. I know it’s going to be a long process but he has been doing everything I have requested to help start rebuilding trust..which shows me that he really does care and wants to change. This is something he never did in the past. In the past it was just the promises to stop with no effort to get help or ease my mind.
Will not mind articles sent to my inbox
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I’m sorry but I truly believe this is just something men and women will never get peace with. My husband was looking at naked girls online since college and I gave hm love, support, and Godly grace throughout and yet I just caught him looking at half naked ladies AGAIN online. And I wasn’t even looking for it. So that being said, sexual images/videos are everywhere and temptation is everywhere. Just be ready to deal with it the next time they slip up and pray for peace. Dear God I am.
Hey Carissa. Well, it’s a tough problem to be sure! Sexual images are absolutely everywhere these days. However, I think it is possible to get to a healthy place with this issue, when people are willing to take responsibility for themselves and do the work. We don’t have to accept unhealthy behavior as normal, either in ourselves or other people. You might like to check out our free download, Hope After Porn, in which several women talk about the road to recovery in their marriages. Have a look and let me know what you think! Kay
I’ve caught my husband looking at porn several times as well as pictures of different girls doing scandalous things probably on a weekly to bi-weekly basis. The thing is that he doesn’t know that I know he looks at the previously mentioned content and I have tried to confront him about it but he denies denies denies. I’m getting tired of living this way, what is the best way to confront/ask him about it? What should I do if he lies?
I would say, try to avoid the whole confront/deny dynamic. If you’re able to collect some evidence, that could be helpful. As calmly as you can, say that you’ve found these things a number of times, and show the evidence you’ve discovered. Be ready with the plan of action you would like to see implemented: installing Covenant Eyes, getting accountability in place, etc. You might try saying something like, “However this gets into our house, by accident or on purpose, it’s not healthy for our marriage and we need to work together to keep it out.”
My husband and I will be married 5 years in September. I knew about this issue with porn while we were dating, but I never thought he would bring this into our marriage. I found him browsing pictures of women on Facebook our first week of marriage. I would forgive him, and then every so often look through his phone to find porn in the history. He would also have women friends he would chat with on Facebook, but the messages would be deleted when I got to them. a few months ago, I found covenant eyes, and approached him about enabling it on his phone. He didn’t want to. I told him that he had to tell me every time he “messed up” if he wasn’t going to have some accountability. I was hurting and depressed, waiting for the next slip up. The first time he told me was in a text message that I found when I first woke up. He said, “I messed up last night, and I have repented before God, I love you and I’m sorry.” I then fell the floor crying, and I wanted to cut my wrists. I have small children, so I thought better of it and just went to him, asleep in bed, and told him I was leaving for a while, and he would have to watch the kids. I went to the park and screamed and cried and walked around by the river. I knew we needed counseling at that moment. I also knew I couldn’t risk hurting myself over this, and I wanted him to leave. When I came back, I wanted to talk about it, and I was crying and yelling, and he was defensive. I told him at that moment that he needed to go stay with his friends for a while. He then got scared and softened his tone. We stopped talking and I took the kids to a birthday party, then dropped them off with their grandma because I was in no condition to care for them. When I came home my husband was shaking and his voice was cracking, and he held my hand and told me that he would install an app called “secure teen”. He has had this app since May. I had the password and was able to log in to see if he trying to look at porn. I did not tell him this. And I wrestled with God about it, because I felt that I shouldn’t be snooping. Well, I went ahead and looked on Friday. I saw that he has been browsing Craigslist casual encounters w4w (women for women) to see naked pictures of women, because Secure Teen wouldn’t block that. I didn’t say anything, but I put craigslist.org on the blocked list so he couldn’t see that anymore. Friday night we went to bed, and he said he wasn’t tired, and he would go watch a movie. I went to sleep. Saturday morning I checked Secure Teen and saw that the same time he left me in bed, he went to look at Craigslist, but it was blocked. I went to him and told him that I did block it for him. And I was upset that as soon as he left me in bed, he went to look at girls on Craigslist. He was defensive and made me tell him the password to uninstall the app from his phone. I told him that my trust is shattered and I want him to leave. But he wouldn’t go. And I broke down crying. He said no man can deal with this, and most men look at porn, and it’s his personal struggle and I have nothing to do with it. He said that if my trust is broken, then that is between me and God. I only hurt myself when I look through his things. He said he is trying to stop but it is something he will always deal with and I need to accept that and stop trying to control him. He said he is not a child and will not be monitored as such. I kept crying and ended up apologizing to him like I always do. But now I’m left in a turmoil of pain. I have no way of knowing if he is looking at porn with the web open to him. He does not feel like he needs to rebuild my trust. He isn’t sorry because he doesn’t think it’s cheating. He thinks it is only an offense to God and not me. He doesn’t think it affects our marriage. I tell him that I always know when he is looking at porn because I can feel the distance. i don’t know if he is thinking of me when we have sex, or those girls he looks at. I also feel that God wants me not to snoop, and God wants me to trust my husband and pray for him. How can I trust him? I don’t understand? I need help and healing and I’m all alone. My heart has been broken. When I am with him when he is home, I am happy. But if I have to leave the house (he falls when he is left alone at home) or when he goes to work, I am a wreck. I am obsessing about this and he seems fine. I don’t know what to do.
Erica, I am so sorry for the pain you’re enduring right now. First of all, it sounds like you’ve taken more responsibility for his porn habit than he has; if he’s really going to recover, he has to take responsibility for himself. Right now it sounds like he’s justified all this in his own mind so that he doesn’t have to deal with it.
I think what you say here about feeling that God wants you not to snoop is probably a healthy way to go. Turn your attention away from his behavior, and take responsibility for yourself instead. Consider what healthy boundaries will look like for you, and stick to them.
I want you to know that it’s normal to feel bad when something like this happens in a marriage. In fact, many women meet the criteria for PTSD in a situation like this, and it sounds like you’re experiencing some of that, with the anxiety when he’s away from you. It does impact women! Greatly! This is not what we agreed to in marriage, and the vows to love, honor, and cherish are being constantly broken by behavior that rips the emotional intimacy out of the marriage. It’s normal to feel badly about this.
The way you can take responsibility for yourself in this is, first of all, find help to deal with your emotional pain. Find a safe place to process this. A personal counselor could help. A group might be another good place: Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, Pure Desire, xxxChurch–those are all places to check for support.
The second really important thing is to consider your boundaries. Here’s an article on boundaries. You might also appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn.
Finally, let me say that trust is earned by trustworthy behavior. In this particular situation, I think it would be unwise to trust that your husband is not looking at porn. I think he’s told you clearly that he’s going to keep on doing that right now. I think the person you CAN trust in this is God. Whatever happens with your husband, whatever choices he makes, God loves you and provides healing for you, no matter what.
Reach out for help today! Start working on your own healing, regardless of what your husband chooses to do. Blessings, Kay
Or just stand up for yourself and leave him.
I’ve spoken to my husband about such things, but like other men he denies, denies. When I confront him calmly he blames it on the phone that its acting up and that it’s a virus but I’m not dumb clearly he subscribed to it he raises his voice and I say why are you raising your voice it’s just a question. This is not the first time I have been married for 3 yrs have been together for 10 I lost my virginity to him. I sometimes think because he never had the chance to be with someone else . I do want to give up but I care and love him to much to do so. I know that he is never going to stop . He doesn’t want to go anywhere his lazy doesn’t even want to go the park but he wants me to want to have sex yes sometimes I deny it to him because I work and go to school I’m tired he hair stays home. Plus I have lost interest in sex before I would make time for it now I just want to avoid it even more after I found he looks at girls online.
Hey there. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing in your marriage right now. It’s so sad when a husband denies reality and refuses to take responsibility for himself. First of all, let me say that his porn use is NOT because he never had the chance to be iwth anyone else. Porn is everywhere these days, and it’s so easy to fall into the habit. The real question is, what does he do with that habit? Is he willing to take responsibility for his choices, and work on being healthy? Is he able to see the impact on you and on the relationship?
It sounds like right now he’s not willing to be responsible, he’s not willing to see how this impacts you. Also, porn impacts him greatly as well. Here’s a link to Your Brain on Porn that explains the biological side of porn use.
I’d recommend that you find some support for yourself. Maybe a group like Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, or online at xxxChurch. Whatever your husband chooses, make sure that you are getting help and support for you.
Think about what healthy boundaries will look like for you in this relationship. Here and here are links to articles on that.
Blessings, Kay
Nice to know I’m not alone. My spouse looks up porn at least more than once a week. It bothers me, I’ve expressed this to him, told him it really makes me feel insecure. I give him love and respect and not to mention he knows he can get it at home so why look up nasty women when there’s a loyal one right there? He just denies. I’ve asked a few friends how they’d feel, some feel the same way I do…. many don’t care. That makes me question am I overreacting. It’s really nice to know I’m not the only one that feels upset about this issue and that I’m not alone
Hey Erin. The reality is, you should be able to express how you feel and what you think, and have that be respected within your marriage. If other women don’t mind their husbands looking at porn, fine. You, however, DO mind it. It bothers you. This is a boundary for you. Your husband should be interested in respecting your boundaries, understanding how his porn use makes you feel, and then behaving in ways that make you feel safe and respected within the relationship. That is the essence of emotional trust within a marriage. You might appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about their own experiences in recovery and especially the boundary choices they made to be healthy. Blessings, Kay
I need help , Please Help Me. Found husband
Sexting, getting women’s phone numbers. E-mails to women . I’m devastated, hurt, confused,maybe if I know how to handle this it won’t hurt so much ? We have been together 28 yrs come this June . We have grown children & a grandchild . I don’t know what to do I’m lost . God Please hear my prays ??I also cut into my arm the word (WHY) I wanted to cut myself deeper but came to my senses and thought about my children and grandchildren and said I can’t not do that to them. My husbands deleted his Facebook account, and unplugged the computer and wrapped it up right now it is just sitting on the desk. He also gave me his cell phone and is going to get another phone with a new number and I can sit there and watch as he puts in contacts , Like his job numbers, family members and maybe a few guy friends. This is a good start, but I still I’m afraid when he goes out that he will somehow get a hold of access another computer. I am terrified I don’t know if I could handle finding something else on him. Lord please help me amen
Okay, Patty. The thing I am most concerned about right now is your safety and wellbeing. You need to find yourself a counselor immediately who can help you process through your emotions without self-harming. I’m so glad you were able to stop yourself from causing further harm, but this is a very serious situation. Even if your husband does really well in recovery, that recovery process will be long, especially with the level of acting out that he’s already exhibited. While he is in recovery, you will need professional help and support. You can’t be responsible for his choices, but you can be responsible for your own. You’ll need to work on processing emotions in healthy ways, and deciding what healthy boundaries will look like for you, going forward. Here and here are articles on boundaries for spouses.
Please look for a counselor in your area TODAY, and get an appointment scheduled as soon as possible. There are extensive counselor directories at the American Association of Christian Counselors and also Psychology Today. You should be able to find someone in your area that way.
As for your husband, he needs to find a CSAT certified therapist for himself immediately as well. He should also be seeking support from a group like Sex Addicts Anonymous. He will not recover on his own. He needs help and support.
But know this: whatever your husband chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy. YOU can choose to be well. YOU can choose to recover. Please get the support that you need, today, by contacting a counselor in your area.
Blessings, Kay
I don’t have a problem with porn but I am a man and I do have to guard my eyes often to stay pure… I have experienced moral failure in the past so I walk with a heightened awareness of being a man above approach. My question is this… is it healthy for my wife to allow me to take nude and provoking photos of her for my own private viewing pleasure.?…. she already does this for me and it is extremely exciting, but we were wondering what your thoughts are on this.
Well, this ventures into territory where it’s hard to give a definitive answer. Do you masturbate to these photos? If so, is your wife aware of this? It sounds like she is. Then it comes down to your thoughts on masturbation, and whether or not you believe it is honoring to God. Is it worth the risk that these photos exist and could be found by someone else?
Again, not a lot of answers, just posing some questions that come to mind.
Chris (Covenant Eyes)
I’ve been married to my husband for 7yrs. My husband would not admit to anything, he lied to me for so long. I caught him lying several times but i chose to let it go to keep the peace. He didn’t cheat to my knowledge but lied about different things. He was looking at porn online to the point that him and i rarely had sex. He had no idea I knew of him watching porn. I couldn’t take it one day, and i hid in the house told him I’d be out and caught him in the act. After that he tried to change. I see he’s made many changes but he still stares at other women in front of me. The trust is completely gone. I hate to admit it, but I don’t Love him anymore. I just stay for the kids! I prayed for him to change for so long. I know he’s not perfect but I can’t help feeling insecure after all the lies. Every time, I try to get close to him; I get anxiety attacks! I don’t know if I should divorce him or keep going with this marriage.
Hi Alice.
That decision about staying or going is such a tough one. Luke Gilkerson wrote an article about it a while back, and you might find it helpful.
Here are some things I’ve learned along the way that you might find helpful.
First, it takes a long time to undo the behaviors and thoughts that go along with a porn addiction. I’ve heard 5 years, and I think that’s accurate. That’s a long haul! And it’s really hard to get through it alone, so I think you both need help.
It sounds like he’s willing to try quitting, but maybe he’s doing it on his own. That puts a lot of pressure on you, so if he’s really willing to change, see if he’d be willing to go to a group like Pure Desire, or meet with a CSAT therapist.
If you’re having anxiety attacks, you’re in good company. Many, many women in this situation will meet the criteria for PTSD, but so many times all the energy and attention goes into getting the husband sober. It’s great if he gets sober, but you need help too, whether you stay together or decide to part. Find a counselor just for you who can help you process your emotions and work on healthy boundaries. Find a group nearby if you can. Join the online community Bloom, and take advantage of their discussion groups and classes.
You might also want to read this article I wrote a while back about trust and the emotional bonds of marriage. John Gottman’s research is so helpful in understanding that dynamic! His very basic idea is that trust is build or erodes in those very small moments when we choose to turn toward or away from each other. If your husband has been turning away from you for years, then that bond does erode. I think it can be rebuilt, but only slowly over time through “turning toward” as Gottman says.
Peace, Kay
My husband and I have been married 14 years. Sadly, my husband and I did not start with a rock solid foundation. I found out our wedding day that he had been having multiple affairs, which then lasted another 2 years off and on. We have been doing the ping pong dance for the last 8 years with his erotica and Internet porn use. All had escalated to a point of him laying in bed next to me (I was crying and saying no) and masterbates to pay per view porn. That hurt worse than any “actual” (I use actual loosely) cheating on his part. In the last 4 years we were actually less of a married couple and more like disgruntled roommates. He would criticise ALL that I did. At one point while trying to talkeep, I ask him what made him love me? He ignored me while steadily sitting glued to his smart phone that was on silent. Having give a background on us, he has admitted to being addicted to porn/erotica. My questionson through out the beginning of all this: When trying to talk to my husband about any of this he states,”Yes, I did it all, I’m a sorry piece of **it! Then he becomes angry and shuts down saying I would just dig, and dig, and dig. I’m not digging at all at this point, just wanting to talk and to some degree I guess not be humiliated when we see the marriage therapist. Also, in my husbands line of work he works unsupervised with several “twenty-somethings” alone at night and unsupervised. I’ve always been concerned, but now more so than ever. Rendezvous between others have happened quite frequently. He has also emotionally cheated with a few. So if he is abstaining from porn/erotica could this environment be a trigger. I just need to know because right now I can honestly say I don’t put much stock into what I “think”. Thank you in advance. I am ordering Covenant eyes for pc’s and have the book. I do NOT know what I would have done without your site. God Bless You All and the ministry God has called you to do.
Hey Crystal. I’m so glad the site has been helpful to you in this tough situation. I hope you’ve found our articles on boundaries: here and here are a couple to get you started. You mention seeing a marriage therapist, and I think therapy is a great idea. Often I think that sex addicts need their own Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) to help them sort through their own issues in addition to the marriage issues that need to be addressed. I want to make sure that YOU are getting support for YOU in all this as well. The online resource, Bloom, is a great place to participate in forums and classes tailored to your needs. Best to you, Kay
I caught my husband in porn again. There was a history on his phone of looking at porn on tumblr through a pinterest pen. This is the site yhat got him hooked on porn enough yo lose his family. Hr denied it at first but I told him that he denied the past 2 years of porn use and did not believe someone else took his brand new phone to look at pornograhic images.
He admitted it was him about an hr later and admitted to visited porn sites and watched two pornos after tumblr.
I was devastated. The past year and a half I was felt insecure, unawanted and unloved after he visited porn regularly for well over a year, went to hookup and dating sites and messgaing women there. He even said he was a widower, that I was dead and spoke negatively to another women about my body when I was in excellent shape very quickly after having our daughter.
He has ignored me since and I was always worried about him doing it again because he lied about being accountable and had neglected me.
The weekend he watched porn he was out of town with an old drinking buddy and he was doing this regularly and I felt insecure and worried he was leaving to be with someone else or watching porn. Sure enough he did and he vehemently denied it for 2 days when I asked him if he watched it when he left me again. He only admitted it because I found it.
It has been a little over 2 weeks since I found out. There has been an apology but nothing to build trust and accountability. A lot of talk about how I just need to forgive and that means trusting him completely. He says he has learned so much since then but I have heard the same speech many times before.
We just went to church together for the first time in several months which i have asked for and was happy about. He even wore his wedding ring which is very, very rare.
After church I get into bed with him for a nap and hoping to mess around and rolls over and gets on his phone. I look over and he is looking at womens pictures on facebook. Im hurt… I look up again and he quickly turns the screen off. I got out of bed. I refuse to be with him when he disrespects me like that.
If it is not porn its looking at it on pinterest or tumblr or looking at women on whatever site he can.
I feel horrible about myself. I have alwags made myself available to him sexually and always willing to work things out, I have served him in our home and tried to be in good shape for him. I feel inadequate. When we do have sex I have porn images running through my head and feel sick to my stomach wondering if he is thinking about me or these other womeb he looks at. Our sex life is not intimate at all and I crave the affection and closeness and kissing that we used to do.
I dont know what to do. I have told him that I appreciate him telling the truth and I have told him how it makes him feel. I sm praying for him too. I just dont know how to get through every day when I am worried he’s doing it again because he wont be accountable or reassure me that he is trying to fight the temptation. Help.
Hey there Ali. Well, I think there is one person you can fully and completely trust here: YOU.
You know what’s going on. You’ve seen the patterns, you see the ongoing evidence of his behaviors, you see that he is not willing to be accountable or seek help for his behaviors.
This is not a matter of you not forgiving or trusting; this is a matter of his unwillingness to be trustWORTHY. Here’s a short book I wrote that helps sort out forgiveness, trust, and what that really means in difficult circumstances.
I think you need to find a counselor who can help you process your emotions about all this, and to consider what healthy boundaries would look like, given your husband’s choices. Here and here are a couple of articles about boundaries. You might also look for a support group in your area. And the online resource Bloom may be useful to you as well.
The closeness that you long for is a healthy longing, and it’s what marriage really means. Here’s an article from The Gottman Institute about the harm that porn does to relationships. You’re not making it up in your head! Porn really does devastate relationships, and the foremost marriage experts in the country support your personal experience of this.
Whatever your husband chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy. Trust yourself. Find support. Make healthy choices.
Peace to you, Kay
Wow. I couldn’t disagree more. The betrayed spouse always has to stay calm, be reasonable, be tolerant, and ever so misinterpreted–be like Jesus.
In the midst of idolatry, Jesus pulled out a whip and over turned tables, he called out the adulterous and Paul encouraged us to turn them over to Satan so their soils may be saved.
I am sick to death of the oppression of betrayed women/men and the responsibility placed upon them to help ‘redeem’ their spouses. God was not soft on sin. Nor did he hold Eve responsible for Adam’s choices.
Take the entire scripture into context. Stop being selective with passages that allow a spouse to continue in a life of abuse.
I’ve been married for 23 years and been dealing with my husband’s porn addiction throughout the whole marriage. Every time I catch him, he promises it will never happen again. It always does.
About a year ago he started texting a waitress that works at a restaurant we always go to. He kept saying he thought of her as a daughter. I had a bad feeling from the beginning. He has other female friends and I don’t have a problem with them. I could feel in my heart that this was different. A few months later I found a paper in his wallet. Not really a note..more like random thoughts. Things like “Don’t tell anyone but I think I’m falling in love with you” and “If I win the lottery will you go to an island with me?” When I confronted him he said it was stuff he wanted his son to say to her and that he wanted to get them together. He continued texting her and deleting the texts. Then yesterday I found pics of her in her underwear on his camera. Of course he is still insisting that he does not see her that way…that she is like a daughter. I keep telling him that you don’t take pics of your “daughter” in her underwear and he says I don’t understand…that the pics were there and he had to do it because of his addiction. He keeps swearing he has no sexual attraction to her and I can’t believe anything he says. He also keeps changing the story about how he got the pics. I don’t know what to do.
Trust yourself. You know the truth.
He lies to himself so that he can keep doing the things he’s doing. He voices those lies to you–that’s called gaslighting. But you don’t have to believe the lies. Look at the truth. Believe the truth. Act on the truth.
Is this “daughter” underage? If so, report him to your local police.
Here and here are articles on boundaries that you might find helpful. And here’s an article about when divorce becomes an appropriate step to take.
I’m so, so sorry for the pain you’ve suffered through all these years. I’m sorry your husband isn’t able to treat you with the respect you deserve.
But here’s a secret they never told us women: WE CAN TREAT OURSELVES WITH RESPECT. We CAN, and we MUST.
Trust yourself. Be strong and courageous. Know the truth. Let it set you free.
Peace to you,
Kay
So I have a bit different scenario. Last night my husband had been drinking and went to bed about an hour after me. It began storming,so the lightening woke me. I heard his phone chime; nudged him to see who was texting him but he didn’t budge. So I got out of the bed to make sure it wasn’t an emergency and to my surprise I see an image of a woman in a black bra with her cleavage showing and she said “goodnight kisses” immediately I woke him to ask who it was and at first he fumbled around erasing the pictures and texts then said she was someone he deployed with many years ago… anyhow. I asked him to let me talk to her and he refused…he text messaged her saying he was in the wrong and all that…I am in utter shock. He is suppose to call our counselor so we can talk but this is my second marriage and my first husband cheated on me. I’m really unsure what to do. Your article was insightful however.
Heather, I am so, so sorry. Trust yourself. Listen to your intuition. And, I hate to say this, but get tested for STD’s. And don’t have sex with him again until he gets tested as well and can show you that he’s clean. Your safety matters most. Your physical safety, and your emotional safety as well. Peace to you, Kay
What if porn is not just the problem, but also harsh verbal abuse ¿ Not only that some men are not easy to talk to. They will lie about it even if you put the proof right in front of them. Even bring up your past to use an excuse for the present choices. Whoever has a good man needs to realize how lucky they are. I’ll never know what a good man is. My only hope is Yahuah my heavenly father.
My wife found pornography in my browser. This happened on a Thursday morning. I called Samsung and Sprint and they both clarified and verified that I did not open anything up but still she accuses me and wants a divorce I have done nothing wrong what do I do cuz I love my wife. They both said that it was malware that I didn’t even know it was there I do not look at p*** and don’t like p*** I just need to know what to do to convince her cuz I don’t want a divorce I love my wife very much we are Christians and she was a chaplain in the army i adore her. So please tell me what can I do?
Hi, John, I’m sorry this is happening. I’m not sure what we can do, if she won’t believe her husband when he says that he did nothing wrong and has evidence from the carrier to support him. It sounds like there might possibly be more going on? Is there anything else that has happened to make her respond so strongly?
I appreciate this information. I feel so betrayed an during sex assumw he’s picturing the naked women he looks up on the web. Sometimes even during work. My recent find… I don’t want to be sensual with him anymore. I literallt sickened. Some of the girls are 20 years younger.
Your boundaries. You decide what happens to your body, and what kind of relationship you want to be a part of.
My other discovery is not just that my husband looks up naked women online. He’s left “signs” that he’s clicked on Craigslist’s Personals section and women seeking men and men seeking women were highlighted. He denied it, and said he was only on Craigslist looking for an exercise bike for me and he couldn’t believe I would turn a kuns idea from him into these accusations.
Don’t let him gastlight you. You know the truth. Trust yourself. And think about what boundaries are healthy for you. Here, here, and here are some articles to help you think these things through.
My ex husband has been looking at provocative half naked woman and porn throughout our 18 year marraige. I couldnt trust him at all and i eventually left him and we got divorced..then i met my school sweetheart a while after being divorced and he did the same as my ex husband, i left, then i met another guy we hit it off and we eventually got married and have a 8 week old baby now.. i have found out that he is also looking at provocitve videos of woman on youtube after he said he would never hurt me.. im devastated.. i havent gone through his history on google as he deletes his history so i wouldnt know what he is searching.. he assures me he doesnt look at porn and isnt interested on other woman and that he isnt my exes.. but why then would he hurt me and do this after I told him that i dont like him looking at other woman because im insecure and dont have alot of self confidence … alot of people around me Family, feiends and strangers say im soo gorgeous and alot of men stare at me in public but why then would the 3 men i loved do this to me? I give them what they want in bed and i am a lloyal faithful wive.. i hate this pattern im in and i dont know what to do. The worst part is my husband works away from home for 3 months and comes home for 2 weeks then he is away again.. i cant trust him .. what do I do??
Decide what healthy boundaries will look like for you. Here, here, and here are some articles to get you started. Find a therapist who can help you process the pain, and who can help you explore the questions you have about relationships and your own insecurities. Find a group of women to talk with about this. And check into the online resources at Bloom for Women, where there are great forums and classes that can help you think things through. You can’t control what someone else chooses, but you can control your own choices for healthy boundaries and good recovery. Peace, Kay
I have been dealing with this issue for 13 years of his downloading images of other women undressed and parts of the body that he lust after. Looking at Instagram photos, past addiction (probably still doing it just better at hiding it) to pornography etc etc. I am so hurt because our intimate life has deteriorated because of it. How can I want to be with a man intimately when in my heart I know that he looks at and desires other women. Ever time that I catch him it drives me further away from any desire of intimacy with him.
For years I have used every excuse for my lack of desire but the honest truth is I am now physically not wanting intimacy because of the hurt and sense of rejection and betrayal that I’ve been harboring all these years.
I no longer know what to do. My desire is to be a God fearing, loving, faithful wife and mother but my human heart is hurting so badly that I try so hard to forgive and it’s always there. I’ve prayed so hard to be forgiving but it is hard when I am repeatedly betrayed by the one person who promised in the eyes of God to love me and care for me as Christ loves us. How can I ever fully heal.
Hey Mia,
Well, I don’t know if you can heal when you’re being constantly betrayed. The truth is, your good intentions will not change another person’s choices. He’s making his own decisions, and he has to be responsible for any changes in a positive direction. I think it’s time to think about what healthy boundaries will look like for you, given the reality of your situation. Here, here, and here are some articles that might help as you think about this.
You might also want to find support for yourself, with a therapist, a group, or through the online resources at Bloom for Women.
Yes, i feel the same way. My husband looks at half naked women and i didnt know it til i saw it on his tablet. Im so hurt and angry. I try my best to look good but it really doesnt matter. They want to look at what you are not. To me, thats not good. Looking leads to other things and i dont feel like waiting on that to happen again. BUT then again, what man will you get who won’t look and search for naken pics? Probably none. We,wives, have to keep praying for God to change them and us. Its the only way.
I’ve been married almost 15 years, I discovered my husband had a porn addiction before we had children. He signed up for a Christian accountability site that sent me emails. Now it’s been 8 years and last night he thought I was sleeping & I say he was looking at inappropriate stuff. I was sick, I barely slept, I texted him what I had seen. His response was I’ve been struggling with this off & on for years, I’m going to work, I guessing you don’t want to see me. He did just that & I was awake.I text him & asked I’d he had anything to say..I’m sorry. I don’t know what you want to hear from me. I haven’t cheated, I don’t talk to girls online if that’s what you’re thinking. I’m at a loss of what to do.
FYI this is not the only problem we have
Hi Mandy,
It sounds to me like your husband isn’t willing to take responsibility for himself right now, and you might consider what your boundaries need to be. Here, here, and here are some articles to get you started. I’d also recommend a counselor who can help you process emotions and provide support for your boundaries. A support group might be a good help as well. And check out the online resources at Bloom for Women. Whatever your husband chooses, you can choose to be healthy and whole.
Peace,
Kay
Wow. In all due,respect, this article does not reflect anything close to what Jesus preached. Our culture has made the viewing of pork into a sickness, weakness, or addiction, something that “every man struggles with”.
Ok, what if I, a wife and mother struggle with desiring to have multiple affairs? Should I embrace this? Wait, it’s an addiction! I need help..when are we going to call this what it is?
I’m a therapist who specifically works with people who have suffered trauma early in life. We need to look at the root issues.
We help Noone by this agenda..with all due respect.
Kindly, Pamela Wilson
How do you know when enough is enough. My heart is broken I don’t trust my husband and my teenage children can see that. It’s a damn vicious circle and I don’t want to deal with it anymore.
Hi Judy,
I think we have to examine our boundaries. Here, here, and here are some important articles on boundaries that might help.
We know that there is nothing we can do to control another person’s choices; we can only be responsible for ourselves and our own healthy choices. If your husband refuses to take responsibility for himself, well, that is his choice. In no way does that stop you from making your own choices. Whatever he chooses, you can choose to be healthy and whole.
Peace to you,
Kay
Porn has been in my husband’s life since before we where married and he hasn’t denied it,it just never caused a problem,with our sex life till recently,,he stays up late watching it on his phone instead of coming to bed with me,,I have done all I know to do to keep our sex life from dying I don’t know what else to do,,I pray God will open his eyes,and that one day he will stop,I don’t want to throw away 41 years of marriage, any advise is welcomed
Hi, I have been married for 15 years. About 4 years into our marriage my husband cheated with 6 prostitutes at different times ( I did not know). He was looking at porn as well. I found out when i was pregnant with our fourth child. I decided to stay and work it out. 8 years later and he still looks at porn. It breaks my heart. I have server depression and anxiety due to this issue. But I am a firm believer in my family and keeping it together for my children. They know nothing of their fathers betrayal. I am at the point where I feel like moving on with life is of no use. But i know thats nonsense. I would love to hear some advice. Thank you for your time.
Jessica,
I am so, so sorry for the pain you are going through and have been going through for so long. I would really encourage you to find a therapist, just for you, someone who can help you process this pain and set healthy boundaries for yourself. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that may be helpful. And you might also appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women
Your life is absolutely worth living, and you can have a healthy happy life, no matter what your husband chooses.
Peace to you,
Kay
We r both Christians but I have been saved much longer , he refuses to admit of any sites even though the proof is there I fear my marriage is over
Marriages have always been at risk when it comes to one partner cheating (statistics show men being the majority), but the last several years (or however long it’s been that internet has become the norm), explicit and pornographic material has become WAY too easy to access. It’s all free and men are foolish selfish slobbering idiots. I myself prefer single and a little lonely to being betrayed and lied to because thats what they ALWAYS do. Any day. Any week. Any year.
He always had issues with porn addiction, but a few years ago he stopped. Or so he claims. Suddenly he is into photography, spends hours looking through forums where “artists” Show their nude and lingery photography. Now he meets with women, he contacted online in order to take photo shoots with them. Next he wants to do private lingery shootings in hotel rooms.
This means he no longer consumes second hand pornography but instead produces his own. I feel so sick and don’t know what to do about it.
18 years together with two beautiful children, a lovely home and committment and now I feel everything is a lie.
Oh Anne, I am so sorry.
It sounds like mostly he is lying to himself and trying to lie to you about what’s really going on. You know the truth, and you can live in the truth even though it’s hard and painful. We can do hard things and live into healthy, happier lives, no matter what our spouses choose. Here, here and here are some articles on boundaries that might help as you consider a way forward. Also, you will find good support at Bloom for Women, where they take a trauma-informed approach to helping wives in marriage betrayal.
I hope that helps a bit in this difficult time,
Kay