Why would your husband look at another woman, whether online or in real life? From billboards to sex flicks to websites and chat rooms, opportunities are rampant. And it’s as easy as “sexting” pictures of oneself and others. The format matters little. The results are the same: devastation. Because it’s easily accessible in secret, it can be a very private sin, but the result is a very large explosion!
The secrecy surely magnifies the betrayal, anger, and horror a wife feels when she discovers her husband looks at other women online. She may have known he used to do this but believed he lived in victory. Or she may have been clueless about his habit and feels duped by him. Still, she knows it is not “normal” and feels violated, exposed in shame that the man she trusted has taken what was sacred between them and viewed other women and other acts in violation of their sacred covenant of marriage. It is among the worst betrayals!
The wife’s biggest pain is that porn is a fantasy hidden away in his mind. It can’t be stopped unless he chooses. A wife can’t compete with a fantasy. She loses faith that their intimacy is real—it may just be a part of his fantasy about someone else he’s viewed. If she withdraws, he may use that as an excuse to keep looking at other women. If she gives, she may feel used, not loved.
It feels like a no-win.
Update From the Editor
Why Your Husband Is Looking at Other Women Online
What could bring your husband to look at another woman when he claims to love you? Is he just lying? Or is there something more complicated to his sin?
He may not believe it’s wrong.
The Bible clearly teaches that looking at a person with lust involves the same root sin as acting out sexually (Matthew 5:28). However, many Christians today are confused about sexual sin, lust, and pornography. According to a recent Barna survey, only one in three Christians reported feeling guilty when they watched pornography, and 39% said they were comfortable with how much pornography they watched.
If your husband is (or if you are!) on the fence about whether or not porn is bad, check out our article, Is Porn Bad?: 10 Things to Consider Before Watching.
He may not understand how hurtful it is.
Even if he believes it’s wrong to look at other women online, your husband may not understand how this hurts you and damages your relationship. For many, watching pornography is a private, personal habit, and they don’t understand how it affects other people in their lives. Men in particular often compartmentalize this part of their life, and often do not understand how looking at other women might affect the woman they truly care about.
For more, see Why Does My Husband Look at Porn and Say He Loves Me?
He might be struggling with a pornography addiction.
Many men know that porn is wrong; they hate that it hurts their loved ones, and they want desperately to quit—but they’re addicted. If your husband is addicted to porn, he’s still responsible for his actions, and it’s still sin. But an addict may be trapped by his sin even though he hates it.
What does it mean to be addicted to porn? As with drug and alcohol addiction, many people become conditioned over time to crave pornography and rely on it as a form of self-medication. If someone is addicted, this likely goes back many years to a formative experience with pornography.
10 Signs of Porn Addiction: Do these describe your husband?
His sin isn’t about you.
If your husband is looking at other women online, then it hurts you like nobody else. It may feel like a personal attack. It’s important to remember that despite this, his sin is not about you. Many men blame their wives for their wandering eyes, but this is false! His choice to look at other women is not your fault, and he will need to accept responsibility for how his actions are hurting you.
7 Steps to Take When Your Husband Looks at Other Women
So what is a Christian wife to do when she discovers her husband is looking at other females online?
1. Listen objectively.
Before passing judgment or reacting in anger or disappointment, listen as objectively as you can. Don’t jump to conclusions. Listen with discernment to be sure you have the facts. Is his story consistent with what you know? Listen carefully (Proverbs 18:13).
2. Start the conversation between the two of you.
The discussion begins privately between the two of you (Matthew 18:15). Try to understand his depth of involvement, but it is rare to get the whole story the first time. God didn’t get it straight from Adam and Eve, and your husband isn’t likely to respond much better without help.
But a good discussion is two-way, so ask him to listen to how you are feeling and how his sin affects your marriage and also his relationship with the Lord. Appeal to him to get help.
If he refuses, Matthew 18:16-17 says to involve help. Be discerning about whom you choose to involve, and keep the circle small. Don’t run to others who are not a part of the problem or a part of the solution. That includes other family members. Gossip is destructive, even if it is true.
3. Evaluate his attitude toward his sin.
Is his heart attitude toward his sin one of repentance or excuses and justification? Anger indicates a lack of repentance. Worldly sorrow feels bad that he got caught. Godly sorrow produces the fruit of repentance, which is to change. Pray that he will come to a place of true godly sorrow (2 Corinthians 7:10).
But what if he doesn’t want help? Neither did the Prodigal Son initially. Keep praying and trusting God, and get help for yourself!
It is easy to focus on his sin, but you must choose to focus on your faithful Lord instead, and on your own growth through this difficult trial (James 1:2-4). Your husband’s desire for pornography is not about you—though every wife I’ve counseled initially believed she should have been enough for him and that it is somehow her fault. It is not! He chose to sin.
4. Encourage him to find another trusted man to talk with.
He will need people who can listen with compassion and humility, and who know we all are candidates to sin (Galatians 6:1-5). God has given you permission to involve those who can help! The truth will come easier when a pastor, counselor, or friend listens and then guides him into accountability in love, not in shame or anger, because love unifies and encourages (James 1:19-20). The goal is restoration.
5. Determine what kind of help you both need.
The depth of involvement that comes out of these discussions will determine the kind of help you need. Will a men’s accountability group and installing Covenant Eyes be enough? Perhaps for some men, yes. Godly sorrow produces change! Others will need more intense individual counseling with godly men who can unpack perhaps years of wrong thinking and help them develop a lifestyle of self-control in moral purity.
Wives often do not make good counselors or accountability partners for their husbands, but function best in the God-given roles to support, encourage, and pray for their husband’s growth in sanctification. (Learn more about the pros and cons of spouses as accountability partners.)
In fact, you as the wife will need your own counselor and encouragement as you go through this trial! Choose a counselor that will keep you pointed vertically and that will use Scripture to teach, comfort, and guide you through this difficult time in your marriage. As each of you focus on your own growth and sanctification, in time you will unify into that three-fold cord that is not easily broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12).
6. Model grace and mercy.
God the Father so graciously bestows grace and mercy on each of us when we sin and repent, and we should model this too. Forgiveness comes with true repentance and change; it is choosing to model after the way God forgives us. Rebuilding trust is the process that takes more time, observing his accountability, faithfulness, and consistency. But trust first begins vertically: trusting God even when you fear a future fraught with anxiety, with or without him. Going vertical strengthens you to face your anxieties and disappointments, and to choose forgiveness when there are no guarantees.
Related: 10 Things Forgiveness Is Not
7. Work on your communication and relationship as a couple.
After he is growing in his vertical relationship with the Lord, it is time to evaluate the horizontal in every sphere. When a crisis in a marriage becomes a stepping stone to greater growth and intimacy, it strengthens the relationship and builds a platform for ministry to other couples in crisis.
Nice article, nice info for who is suffering from anxiety and depression.
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I have been through the betrayal group and husband through the seven pillars. It never stops. The lying, the saying sorry, the “I will never do it again”. It never stops. I’m guessing the recovery rate for porn addiction is less than 1%. I suggest you all just leave. These men do not change. Find a different man. Do not put up with the hurt and distrust any longer. They will NEVER change. So accept that they will keep doing it and you need to make the choice to stay , and live with it the rest of your married life, or leave. It is a choice. I am going to go to a hypnotist tommorow. To see if my pain can go away and I can live with this man or not. If I am still in pain, I am leaving. I will not live like this any longer. I will not keep hating myself any longer. I need to try to love myself enough to not be hurt anymore. I have only this life on earth, I want to be happy. I don’t need pain any longer. Wish me luck.
I am so sick and tired of this behaviour being excused away, being justified, “oh it’s just hard wired in our brains to do this” blah, blah, blah…
You show me scripture where it says that it is okay for a Godly married man to take pleasure in looking at a woman other than his WIFE. Like Job, ” I have consecrated my EYES to God so WHY should I look upon a maiden?”
Because looking or “noticing” implies interest…..desire… So where do you draw the line? When does it become lust? How does lust start? By LOOKING in the first place. I am SO sick of this disgusting perverted planet.
My husband of 42 years looks at women online,sometimes they are dressed sexy,other times nude.I have told him how I feel,but he doesn’t think it’s a problem,the Bible says if man even looks at a woman and lust he had already committed adultry,I pray one day he will stop,But is it reason for divorce?
Someone mentioned the root problem with these people being how they objectify and degrade women – I just wanted to cry over this because it’s so true to my situation. My husband objectifies me…the images he views contribute to the problem. He lives in a fake reality about what women like/should do sexually and look like. It hurts….I am attractive, sexually available to my husband but yet, it is not enough. Communication about this only leads to “him having needs and it being my responsibility to take care of them” yet affection and love are not what he’s looking for, he’s looking for that fake porn star.
As so many men “do this”, or so believed by my husband, he does not see this as his problem. I ask God for guidance in my marriage everyday, I’m struggling immensely. We have been married 7 years, together for 10 and it’s gotten worse. We are currently not talking at the moment because I refused to send him videos of a sexual nature. This isn’t anything new- he always wants something sexually that objectifies women. I voice that I am not comfortable doing so and he pouts/we fight. Divorce is a serious consideration and my heart breaks for our children.
And people wonder why porn ruins marriages….
Shayla,
I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re going through. Being used as an object is degrading, dehumanizing, and so painful. Scripture clearly says that you are not a slave to sin, and that includes your husband’s sin. You may appreciate this article: A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce.
Stand your holy ground, my friend.
Peace,
Kay
How do I deal with it when I am Christian and he is not… so for him this is part of being male. As far as he is concerned he is not sinning against God neither against me.
You get to have the boundaries that are right for you, regardless of religious affiliation. The other person doesn’t have to agree with your boundaries, and you don’t have to JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. Your boundaries belong to you. You get to decide what’s okay and not okay. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that should be helpful to you. Boundaries are not about changing him, they’re about you defining what’s okay with you, taking responsibility for yourself, and living in ways that are right and healthy for you. You may want to find a therapist who can support you in that new endeavour, and you may appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women.
I have been in, what I thought was a mature, happy loving relationship for almost 10 years now. We have sex regularly, we talk about our sex life, communicate, love each other…
Early in our relationship I told my partner what my boundaries were, he was also aware of my marriage that had ended because of a violation of these boundaries and the loss of trust. This included viewing porn online, masturbating, lying to me about it, and in the end, discovering that my ex husband had been imagining himself in sexual situations with nearly all of my close friends, family and acquaintances. By the time the marriage was over my ex was pursuing my sister, as he had developed feelings for her.
I just became aware that my current partner is/has been routinely viewing porn, masturbating, and lying to me about it. I asked him if he thinks about women naked? His reply was yes, and from there I asked who, by asking the names of friends and family. He said yes to some of them, no to others. I asked when? He said, for example, if we have a family over for dinner, he would briefly imagine the woman naked- thinking about what her breasts and butt look like, comparing what they might look like to me. I asked if he imagines having sex with them and he vehemently denies that he has ever imagined that.
The sane woman in me doesn’t want to be made a fool, I don’t believe him-not that it matters anyway. I will only know what he decides to tell me. Like everyone else, I am very hurt, I feel like a fool, he says he loves me, blah, blah, blah. He says that he doesn’t want to be with anyone else and that he would never cheat on me.
I do believe he would never physically cheat with someone else. But I am also scared to stick around and find out. We have talked, and I don’t feel that he is sorry for anything other than basically being in the “hot seat” right now. He hasn’t said sorry, and hasn’t offered anything to move past this. Not that, the thoughts in his mind can be held accountable.
I’ve looked online and know that imagining women naked is fairly normal for a lot of men, but I also know that not everyone does it. I struggle with this because I don’t think this is something I can live with- and I don’t want to go through life thinking my partner is imagining my friend/sister naked, or worse imaging sex with them. I want peace, but I don’t know if it makes sense to move forward with him as I will never know what he is thinking. I guess I am wondering if I am overreacting? Is it natural and ok to look and not touch? Can it stop with just imaging someone naked, or will it escalate? And if so, how do I get past the feeling of being betrayed, taken advantage of, cheated on, used, disrespected, embarrassed, undervalued, not a priority, the list goes on…
We share s young daughter, who I know I would never want to choose to be with any man that would make her feel this way.
I think you’re coming up against one of the most common features of toxic masculinity, embodied in both purity culture and porn culture: the idea that men inevitably must see women as sexual objects. They can’t help it, the story goes. They’re wired this way. Purity culture tells this story, and porn culture just reinforces it, which is, I believe, one of the reasons that so many conservative Christian men fall right into porn culture and have such a hard time getting out: purity culture and porn culture have the same underlying assumptions about men and women in relation to sexuality. It’s unfortunately also a part of the “complementarian” point of view in churches, that men are entitled to everything, just because they are men, and this immediately takes over in the area of sexuality as well: of course that sense of male entitlement carries over into viewing all women as potential sexual objects for men, now with the added power of it being God’s will.
I would say that your husband CAN change. Mine has! But he has to dig down into these underlying assumptions about his right to see women this way. It’s not inevitable. Women don’t “naturally” do this, because we are trained from the cradle that we are the objects, not the objectifiers. Men don’t have to either. The solution is to see the true Biblical reality that in Christ there is neither male nor female, as the Scripture says. We are all one. And when we love our neighbors as ourselves, as the bible tells us to do, we won’t believe that it’s okay to sexually objectify them.
I don’t think you have to get past those feelings of “being betrayed, taken advantage of, cheated on, used, disrespected, embarrassed, undervalued, not a priority” because they are actually telling you the truth of the situation. Until your husband takes responsibility for the way he objectifies and degrades women, this will continue to be true. The problem is not your feelings. The problem is his behavior.
Hold those boundaries.
You know the truth.
Listen to yourself.
Peace,
Kay
I’ve just read this article. After 37 years of marriage I found out last week that my husband watches, searches, and visits sick porn sites as well as sick YouTube videos dating back to 2014 to April this year. I nearly vomited. We’re both born-again Christians, and he says that he repented, and it’s not all him, sometimes he just clicks and the sites come up but he goes out immediately. He first blamed me, then he blamed Google, then YouTube. After 2 weeks of trying to talk to him about it, he keeps making excuses or telling me that he’s repented, and that I must forgive him. I know I must; I feel hurt, dirty, betrayed. I don’t know this man. We have 4 adult children and 5 grandchildren and if they have to find out, they would never let him near our grandkids. I don’t even want him near our grandkids. I don’t want him to even see our 2 daughters in shorts or bathing suites. I fear he’s sexualized every woman and young girls he sees. I just don’t know how to stop my thoughts. I’ve prayed, begged the Lord, but there’s no relief. I’ve repented from my sin in how I dealt with confronting him, etc. Still so much I need to repent from. It just is so difficult dealing with this because he is so well liked by others who see him as a strong, born-again, tongue talking, devil disturbing, spirit filled Christian. I think I’m going mad. He keeps turning the conversation onto me and points out everything I did or do wrong. I want to understand why he watched porn, his response to me was that I think I know so much and am always answering questions at Bible Study because I have the time to do research, etc. I told him that’s got nothing to do with his porn watching. He actually looked up easy divorce and how to get divorced in South Africa. Then he said he did that to spite me. He refuses to talk about it and won’t acknowledge that he is at fault. He got so angry because I was crying and told him how I feel about what he did that he took his laptop and broke it by smashing it over and over again on the floor in front of me. He kept looking at me with such hatred, and when I didn’t respond, he smashed it even more. I was very scared but didn’t show any reaction or say anything. That was on Sunday evening. We haven’t spoken to each other since then. Yet, he still prays every day and I’m barely keeping myself together never mind trying to pray. He always goes on his cellphone when he gets home, either on Twitter or YouTube with earphones. He will not speak about this or tell me why he did it. I have read up so much on this topic yet nothing said on any site is able to help me. I’m so tired of being in tears and not being able to tell anyone about this. It’s so sick I could never tell anyone. I want to sleep and never wake up.
I am so, so sorry for the shock and pain that you’re experiencing right now.
I am very concerned about your statement that you want to sleep and never wake up. That is a suicidal ideation. I don’t blame you for feeling so desperate; this is a terrible situation, and you are being constantly traumatized by your husband’s behaviors.
I encourage you to find a therapist immediately, someone who can help you process this situation and support you in dealing with this trauma.
Let me give you some feedback on the behavior you’re describing here from your husband. IT IS ABUSIVE. He is abusing you, and this is why you are feeling so traumatized.
The blaming of everything else, especially you: that is emotional abuse.
The threat of divorce: that is emotional abuse.
The smashing of his laptop in front of you: that is a threat of physical violence toward you.
When he keeps turning the conversation toward what you’ve done wrong, to the point where you feel like you are going mad, that’s an emotional abuse tactic called gaslighting.
It is very classic for an abuser to appear one way in public (“others who see him as a strong, born-again, tongue talking, devil disturbing, spirit filled Christian”) while abusing his victims behind closed doors, as he does with you.
Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that may be helpful to you as you consider a way forward. Because he is abusive, though, I really do think you’re going to need the support of a therapist.
Of course you can tell people about this: safe, helpful people like a therapist. You do not need to protect your husband from the consequences of his sin. These are his choices, and he can deal with the consequences. You get the help you need, and let him cope with his own choices. Whatever he chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy and whole.
Peace,
Kay
As i scroll through the comments i can’t help but think one thing. IT NEVER ENDS. Ive been with my husband for almost 8 years…..and it REALLY DOESNT END. Im living in constant torture with this struggle with him. The second i feel secure in our relationship, i find his flavor of the week. We have established boundaries, and he understands them. Yet, flat out doesn’t care or doesn’t see the problem. Its a vicious cycle for me and our relationship. Im mentally tortured, and as a result i feel like im the sloppy seconds or, just not good enough. So i push him away. I find myself in a panic whenever he gets close. I can’t help but feel inferior to these videos and images….. and what’s worse is. He simply doesn’t respect that.
My husband and I have been married for almost 13 years. We both have successful careers and a wonderful son. When we met, I was the skinny cute blonde. I have put on a few pounds, not a lot. (He’s no body builder either) I have been so busy with work, school, our son,taking care of our home that I have kind of neglected myself. We have a very active sex life. Never, in our years together have I been jealous or suspicious of him….until the past few months. My “gut” feeling told me something wasn’t right. He was so distant. He was staying on his phone. He would throw it down when I walked in the room. He leaves early for work. I go to the kitchen and get coffee while he gets ready for work. One morning I walked upstairs and he literally threw his phone down. The next morning he comes downstairs after he gets off of Facebook and gets a message. I asked who it was and he says “ a girl I went to school with. She must have accidentally sent me a message” it was just a thumbs up. How odd, an “accidental reply” at 4:00am when he’s been hiding on Facebook in the other room. I’m not a snooper, but after that I keep his Facebook on my phone and regularly check our phone bill. There hasn’t been any other communication that I know of. His phone didn’t charge overnight night before last so I told him to just take my phone. He hesitated but did. He works long hours and carpools to work. He has always been honest with me. I got on his Pinterest in some downtime I had yesterday…boom! All that was on there was pics of these skinny girls in bikinis and every “ picked for you” pic was vulgar provocative pics of women. When he came home, of course he denied it. I told him, no sex for 3 months. He is not allowed to see me naked. I’m going on a diet. All the time I spend cutting grass, cooking, cleaning, etc. is now his responsibility. I told him if he’s lusting over everything that I’m not, then the next time I look at his Pinterest it will be women in an apron cooking supper for their husband. It’s his turn to carry the weight for a while so I can focus on me. He has way too much time on his hands to be sitting on his rear looking at naked women on the internet while I’m sinking with a career, going back to college, being a good mom, keeping house clean, bills paid, meals prepared, being a faithful wife who gives her husband enough sex that he should never have to be looking for arousal on the internet! I gave him my burdens yesterday. In my spare time you can bet you next paycheck that I won’t be worried about looking at another man. I’m going to focus on myself. I’m going to go jogging at the park near my home, I’m going to be playing basketball with our son…I really think this is my fault. I have been too good to him. In trying to be the perfect wife, I have given him too much space. The next 3 months will make or break us. I love him from the bottom of my soul. I get sick just thinking about leaving him. Did he cheat? Not physically…..but mentally…yes. Does he know that I mean what I’m saying? Yes. I have never told him I would leave him, until yesterday. I give him my all…nothing less. I also expect nothing less than that from him. I have been his cheerleader, his friend, his lover, and everything else. I have never controlled him, I’ve encouraged him to do things with his friends ( all married, good guys) I will not tolerate this. I will understand and forgive him if this stops. We know each other better than we know our own selves. That’s how I knew something wasn’t right. There was a change in him that I couldn’t put my finger on. That’s why I checked his Facebook a few months ago. The Pinterest thing was just my prayer being answered for the truth. I really hope this stops. I could make it on my own, but I don’t want to. When I made my commitment to him almost 13 years ago, I MEANT it.i respect him and he knows it. I serve him and try to make his life as easy as I can. When I have a day off, I try to catch up on everything at home ( even things that should be his responsibility) so we can enjoy our days off together doing family stuff. I changed yesterday. He’s going to respect me or hate my guts. This is in God’s hands. I really need prayers.
Hi disrespected.
Maybe I can’t view the outcome.
Was was your outcome
I have the exact experience in change and found his subscribed to explicit things
I want to flow this advice