If you’re reading this article, you may be one of the thousands of women each year who discover that their husband’s online viewing habits include pornography. Perhaps you’re a woman whose relationship with your husband has been negatively impacted by his porn use, or you object to his use of pornography based on factual, moral, ethical, or other principles.
In any healthy relationship, and especially within marriage, that is reason enough to open the door to this important conversation. There are several principles and strategies you can adopt to have this talk and make it more effective. But first, let me say that his viewing habits are not because of you. And if you have suffered any (or a lot) of pain as a result of his use of pornography, I want you to know how sorry I am you are going through this. This pain is called betrayal trauma. It’s not easy, and I understand your pain. I have had to have this conversation myself, so let me help you prepare to do the same.
Spend some time reflecting before you start the conversation.
If you intend to confront your husband regarding his use of porn, first spend some quiet time alone thinking and journaling. Before confronting your husband, consider the following.
What are you hoping to accomplish by having this conversation? Is it to reassure yourself that you are enough? Or is it a conviction against the use of pornography? Are you already angry and looking to express this? Check your motives, because how you approach the conversation can either help or hinder you in achieving your purpose.
What is it that you do not like about his use of pornography? What is your objection? Is it moral? Is it based on what you think of pornography in general? Is it the lies or other behaviors that commonly accompany porn use, like gaslighting or his avoiding intimacy with you? Being clear on exactly what you object to will help you make yourself clear to your spouse.
What impact has his pornography use had on you? Pay attention to what your body has been telling you, what your thoughts have been, what you feel in your heart about his use of pornography, and describe its impact. What are your needs and fears you are carrying with you into this conversation?
Be clear about what the negative effects of pornography are to you. Write these down, so that you can be prepared to discuss them with your partner.
If you are concerned that his pornography use is an addiction, gather research regarding this. Also, consider the impact of pornography use on the community and on society, at large. Much research has been done in this area. (Read recent statistics regarding the impact of pornography.)
Know what you’re willing to accept and be prepared to state boundaries around this. Consider your thoughts and feelings regarding your marriage, impact on the children, etc. Consider what type of behaviors you need from your husband to help you feel safe and cared for. Boundaries are to help you establish emotional and physical safety.
For example: I don’t feel safe when my husband lies to me. If I find out he’s been lying, I feel I can’t trust him. Since I can’t be intimate with someone I can’t trust, I’ll likely abstain from sex until I feel safe again. Another example might be, if my husband states that pornography is not a problem and he won’t quit, I will explain it’s a problem for me. I will seek help for myself to decide how to proceed.
Be prepared, if necessary, to follow through in order to establish safety for yourself and your children.
How to actually have the porn conversation with your husband…
Now that you know how you feel about pornography, its potential impacts on you, your family, society, etc., prepare yourself to speak with your partner about your feelings regarding these things. The following principles might be helpful.
Don’t assume that your husband won’t hear your concerns. This will enable you to address the situation in a nonjudgmental fashion and increase the likelihood that he will hear your heart on the matter. You may consider starting the conversation with a curious question, such as “How do you handle temptations when online?”
Calmly and respectfully, tell him your feelings about it, based on the journaling you did prior to your conversation. Be open and curious about his thoughts and opinions.
Acknowledge his viewpoints. This doesn’t mean you agree with him. This simply reassures him that you’ve heard his opinion and you understand what he’s saying. Repeating back what he stated in your own words will help him see that you are listening.
Ask questions. “Do you feel this impacts your ability to be intimate?” “Why do you view porn?” “Are you able to stop?” “Will you stop?” “What do you get from it?” If you find that these questions cause you to feel trauma, or that the answers are causing you to feel trauma, stop the conversation, and get insight from a coach trained by the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS) to help you navigate how to proceed.
Based on his responses, continue to share your thoughts, feelings, opinions, and concerns. Don’t assume he should understand how you feel. Tell him. Share your fears with him. If he becomes angry or defensive, stop the conversation and again, consider talking with a trained Betrayal Trauma coach to get help understanding your situation.
Strive to reach an agreement regarding what’s acceptable and what’s not. If he is unwilling to discuss or agree on the matter, and if his intended behaviors are not acceptable to you, state your boundaries. Be prepared by knowing what you need in order to feel safe in a relationship. If he acknowledges that pornography use is a problem or that it is a struggle for him, try, if possible, to reassure him. Let him know that help is available for him too.
Sometimes starting the conversation is the hardest part. Some people appreciate a front door approach, which is bold and direct: “I’ve noticed you’ve been looking at pornography. I have concerns about that. Can I tell you what they are?” Others prefer a side door approach which is less direct: “Hey some friends and I were talking about… (or “I was reading an article…”) about pornography and its effect on relationships. What do you think of that?”
How the conversation goes will depend on several factors. Are there other behaviors correlated with porn addiction like lying, gaslighting, or other unhealthy ways of interacting, including narcissistic traits? Has pornography been a casual interest that he can take or leave? Or is it a compulsive habit that he’s begun to depend on as a coping mechanism or to gain a quick mental “high?” How he responds may offer some clues. Does he get defensive and angry during the conversation? Or is he understanding of your side, supportive, and committed to addressing your fears and reassuring you?
If, at the end of your conversation, you feel you’ve not been heard, or you were thrown “off course” and are left confused and frustrated or if you didn’t keep your cool; don’t beat yourself up. This can be a tough conversation, and there’s always another chance to talk again, to clarify, add on, or any other thing you may wish you’d done better.
If you’re left feeling lost and confused or not knowing how to proceed, know that help is available. If you feel your husband is unable or unwilling to stop his compulsive porn viewing, there is something you can do. The partner coaches at Betrayal Trauma Recovery are specially trained by APSATS to assist women whose partners are caught up in the web of compulsive pornography use or sexual acting out behaviors. They know how to coach women through these tough conversations and assist them in creating appropriate boundaries to establish emotional and physical safety in their homes. Getting help to navigate the very muddy waters of a relationship impacted by pornography use and sexual addiction is key to success.
My husband has used porn since before we started dating, and at first once we were dating everything was great and we were having sex frequently, 2-3 times a day; then we got married. Ever since then it feels like he just lost interest, he’s always laying down and never wants to do any of the physical work, much less get me off. He only really cares if he gets off and even then sometimes I need a breather from putting in all the effort and he just gives up on me and gets dressed. It makes me feel like what I do has no meaning, that what I want is worthless and doesn’t matter at all. I’ve explained to him multiple times that sex for me is emotionally gratifying in the sense of being vulnerable and opened with him, but it’s as if what I say goes in one ear and out the other. We got pregnant this past April, and in the 1st trimester sex was happening maybe twice a week (a huge decline from our start), and then it just started to get worse. Intimacy started lacking and sex was dropped to maybe once a month altogether, I’m currently 37 weeks pregnant and throughout the whole pregnancy I’ve had to ask him repeatedly to try coming to me when he’s in the mood or feels like watching porn. And every time he’s promised not to and to work on things by coming to me it’s turned out to be a lie. This has happened over 50 times at least. I just feel so alone, I know he looks at me and doesn’t see the girls he watches. It’s even harder with social media nowadays because he watches videos of half naked girls on instagram, twitch, youtube, pretty much wherever he can. I’ve told him how I feel about this multiple times but I’m cast aside and disregarded as “insecure” and told “All guys do it to relieve stress”. I feel like I’m not worth it, that he doesn’t want to put in the effort because he doesn’t care about me or my satisfaction at all. I just don’t know what to do anymore, half of me knows that I’m worth more and there are other people out there who would love and appreciate me and treat me the way I deserve by actually giving a damn about my mental health and how I feel, but the other half of me wants to stay because I love him so much and he’s the man I picture the rest of my life with. I just know deep down that I can’t deal with this much longer, I end up getting my hopes up and sobbing when the disappointment hits, I dissociate when he takes long showers, he’s even admitted to using it at work where he works alone at night and no one is around and I hate when he leaves because I know it’s going to happen. He’ll take care of himself and not give two damns about me. I hate hate hate it.
Thanks for sharing you’re comment, I’m grieved to hear about your situation. It must be so difficult for you. Please know that you are not alone. You may want to check out our free ebook, Porn and Your Husband.
Please seek out an encouraging support group for yourself! You need to be surrounded by people who understand you and share your values and can support you on your journey.
God bless,
Keith
My husband and I have been married going on 5 years.. for 3 years now porn has been an issue in our marriage. I’ve expressed how it’s effected my mental health and how I see myself as a woman and a wife. I’ve expressed that I do not trust him to my full extent because it’s always in the back of my mind. He gas lights me or manipulates me by saying it’s my fault because I go looking for these things I know I’m going to find and that I make myself upset from the situation. I don’t know what else to do. He’s acknowledged that he’s addicted.. I’m lost..
Hey there,
Well, it sounds like it’s time for you to get some support just for yourself. We always recommend the wonderful online resources at Bloom for Women, where they understand the pain of marriage betrayal and will work to help you process the trauma and move toward healthy patterns.
I’m really glad that you are able to recognize your husband’s gaslighting and manipulation for what it is. Of course you don’t trust him: he is not trustworthy. That’s not your fault, that’s his work to do. Here’s an article I always like to share: A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce. If you are married to someone who refuses to take responsibility for themselves and instead turns to emotional abuse, then that’s definitely a situation where you want to consider what healthy boundaries might look like for you. Here and here are a couple of other articles on boundaries.
Whatever he chooses, I hope you’ll choose to take good care of yourself and get all the support you need.
Peace,
Kay
I just found out my husband is watching Asian Porn. At first I was furious. Then did some research and read that it’s their way of releasing stress or handling things. I’m not sure how to handle it. He doesn’t know that I know. I don’t want it affecting our marriage. I just want hin to open and honest and explain why? I’m very confused about how I am supposed to deal with this. I’ve left a message on his phone with the sites, and have asked him to rather approach me.
Hi friend,
I cannot imagine the confusion and grief you must be feeling at this time, and I am sorry that he is hiding this from you. I also want to commend you for not lashing out immediately when you discovered this on his phone. Open communication and honesty are incredibly important in any marriage. As with most addictions, it is unlikely that your husband will approach you about it. There is a lot of shame and secrecy tied to pornography. If he has a true heart change, perhaps he would approach you.
That being said, I would encourage you to first pray. Ask God to give you grace and peace as you handle this situation. Prepare your heart before you talk to your husband. Then, talk to him. It won’t be easy, and it may result in even more grief, but imagine how much more difficult it would be for you to just keep hiding this secret of his?
I would also encourage you to turn to someone you can trust for wisdom and guidance. For some, this is a church leader or counselor. For others, it is a close friend or relative. Share your struggles with them; ask them to pray for you.
Praying that God moves in your husband’s heart! You are strong!
Blessings,
Moriah
My husband and I have been going through marital problems and it’s much more escalated ever since he lost his job. I confronted him about his poor news when I found it in his phone including live porn. The last time I caught him watching porn he blamed it on me that I was not “putting out”. Ever since becoming a mom I have had decreased interest in sex. I continually asked for us to go to counseling but he’s become more and more adamant about not going at all. He says that he’s just done with the relationship. I feel like the more he sees me hurt the more verbally abusive he gets.
Hi.
This site seems to be directed to wives talking to their husbands about porn but…my problem is with my Dad.
I am 17 (not sure if that matters) and I found out a few years ago. I’ve walked in on him a few times but I never really know what to say and he always shrugs it off.
I found out a few months ago that my sister knows about it too but, she doesn’t know what to do ether. We both find it very disrespectful and hurtful.
I want to confront him about it but I don’t know how. I don’t know if I should tell my mom or not. I want to tell her but, I’m worried about how she’ll take it.
Please help! I have no idea what to do!
Hi Grace, What an awkward place to find yourself in. I would say that it’s not your job to fix this situation. Really, I don’t think you have to do anything as far as telling your mom or confronting your dad. It is simply not your job as the child in this system. This is something that he should deal with as an adult. I think the important thing is for you to process through this for yourself, with a counselor, if you can. I’m sure this impacts how you feel about both your parents and it will important to process that in a safe place. Peace to you, Kay
Tell your mom. Your dad is acting inappropriately in the house where his daughters can see him. This isn’t okay, and as a mother, I would want to know about it so I could shield my children from further uncomfortable and inappropriate situations.
Thank you.
I talked with my husband and he said if I’m that uncomfortable he just wont watch anymore. Its not that big of a deal to him. (Not sure it’s that simple) but I’m wanting to trust and believe he would do that for me. He has a hard time seeing my view points on it making me insecure. He said he didnt get anything out of it, it’s just a guy thing.
Trust and verify is what I’d do in a situation like this.
It sounds like he’s minimizing both his own situation, and your emotions about it. That’s a very common defense mechanism which easily becomes gaslighting.
One of the ways you can tell if your husband is doing well in recovery is by his ability to build emotional trust with you: “turning toward” is what Dr. John Gottman talks about. Caring how you feel, listening, taking your concerns seriously. I’d watch for that, as well as behavioral changes. A lot of men, I’m afraid, are just not aware of how much they are turning toward porn as a way of coping with their own emotions. I did a Facebook Like here at Covenant Eyes a while back that talks about that.
Hopefully what your husband says is true.
I’ve been with my husband for 27 years. For many years now it’s been a constant battle with the poem thing. There were times were I bursted out in tears because of how much it hurt me to see how much he watched porn. He promises over and over he would quit. There was a time where he saw how hurt I was and he begged for forgiveness and promised he would stop. I feel that the women he watches are really what he wish he’d have. I am slim and curvy, but the porn he watches, well the women look nothing like me! They are xxxbbw and it really disturbs me! I’ve talked to him about how I feel in every way. He’d get mad and twist it around on me being exaggerated. Recently we started to get along better and he out of his own will he promised no more bad habits and no more nothing that bothered me. Well it’s been a lie. I go on his phone and he is watching daily. And all throughout the day, he thinks he deletes it but I have a way of looking at his google history. Tonight I left the room and am on the couch because I can’t stand laying next to him when I know he just got a ride from all those other women! And specially because they are not even close to what I am. This makes me feel little shamed humiliated ugly too skinny not enough! Even tho I get tons of attention it doesn’t matter, he is the one I want to satisfy not other men. I feel so insecure right now, he heard me crying and he just didn’t care to come find out why. He knows I caught him in a lie and he knows he betrayed the trust we were trying to rebuild. Now, I know that he will flip this on me and say I’m the cause of our failure in our relationship. I wish I could just disappear and make this feeling go away .
Hey Vanessa,
I think it’s time to reassess your boundaries in this relationship. Here, here, and here are some article to help get you started. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. This is not your problem, you are not making these toxic choices. Those are his choices. And you can make healthy choices for you, regardless of what he does. Find a therapist just for you. Check out the online resources at Bloom for Women. But your husband’s bad choices are not your problem to solve, and you can have boundaries that support a healthy life for you!
Peace,
Kay
Hi, I recently found out my husband watches porn, daily. He says it’s just something to do on the toilet. Also, it’s just a guy thing. We have sex nearly everyday, (at least 5 days a week) sometimes he cant get his, which I’m assuming. It is because he relieved himself earlier. He admitted that he has pleaded himself before, mostly when it’s if I’m really tired(2 young kids and a fill time job starting at 5 am)
Or that time of the month (which that doesn’t matter to me, I dont mind doing it then and he doesn’t either)
I just want him to understand how I feel. It makes me feel like I need to do something more. Even though he keeps saying everything is fine its just an issue he has sometimes(not getting his).
I’ve even asked if he wants to watch together (I’ve never watched) he said it would be weird for him.
He know I’m open to do anything (if that’s what he looking for, new things by watching).
I just need some guidance on how to talk to him more about it. It REALLY bothers me. Why, and I even told him if we need to have more sex, I’m FINE with that, I love it.
Hey Holly,
I think you might appreciate this article from The Gottman Institute about the effects of porn on marriage. Dr. Gottman has this very interesting concept of how emotional trust is built in relationships, and that is by each person “turning toward” their partner. The other options are turning away and turning against, and porn over time can often become the place where a person turns away from their partner, and eventually even against their partner. I think that’s what you’re sensing here: you don’t like this, he’s not attending to your discomfort, and even though you are having sex often, you can tell the relationship is slipping.
Also, it sounds like you’re observing early signs of porn-induced erectile dysfunction, which is a sign that things are not healthy for your husband, either.
Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries which you might find helpful as well. You do get to define what is right and healthy for you in this relationship.
Peace to you,
Kay