I can remember very vividly what it was like to feel the pull of pornography. I can remember those long nights, exhausted but still alert, looking for my fix. I would drag out the ritual for hours: sometimes on the Internet, sometimes visiting adult video shops, sometimes engaging in phone sex.
I would have told you then I wanted to stop, but the very idea of stopping was terrifying to me. As a Christian, the conviction about my porn use haunted me. But the idea of completely removing porn from my world sounded like air being sucked out of the room: what would I be left with if I didn’t have this crutch to lean on?
Lies About God That Kept Me Trapped
There was a time when I had given myself over to the lie that looking at porn, no matter how hard I tried not to look, was an inevitability. For the first few years of this downward spiral, I was racked with guilt.
During the last couple years of it, I was too exhausted to feel guilt anymore: it was just a foreboding sense of hopelessness. There were times I had no faith that I would ever change.
If you would have asked me if I was doubting God’s ability to change me, I would have said no. After all, God can change anybody, but only if they “do their part,” right? Only those who muster up enough faith can call on God to do a miracle, right?
But I was believing a lie about God: a lie that said God can only change the willing. The fact is sin runs in our veins; none of us are willing. None of us can create faith within ourselves. It is a gift from God (Ephesians 2:8). I needed only to come to God with my empty hands, my weak faith, and my total helplessness and say, “I believe; help my unbelief” (Mark 9:24).
Lies About Sex That Kept Me Trapped
I was single at the time and had also bought into the lie that marriage and sexual intimacy were somehow basic rights that had been denied me. I believed sex was not only a desperate biological need, I believed sexual pleasure was, in a way, the goal of life: a promised land I had yet to enter.
Porn was my way of cheating the universe that had denied me; it was my tantrum at God.
Had my mind not been so clouded at the time, I would have been forced to admit marriage was no more a “right” than anything else in life: it is only by God’s undeserved mercy and patience that I have any blessings in my life at all. Had I been thinking straight I would have understood that sex was not a “need” at all (at least, not in the proper sense). It was I, not God, who had turned a normal sex drive into something “desperate.” It was I, not God, who had elevated sexual pleasure to a place it was never meant to occupy.
I say all of this not to be “down” on our God-given sex drive, but to put it in its proper place: for only when it is in its proper place that I can enjoy it without it enslaving me. Sex is good (very good, actually). Sexual pleasure is good. Marriage is good. It is even good to desire them.
But when I believe I “need” them, then God becomes a capricious Creator bent on placing people into impossible situations, demanding chastity but pushing us beyond the breaking point.
Knowing these simple truths—that sexual pleasure is a desire, not a need—then I am free to place it alongside other good desires and God’s commands and see it for what it is. I am free to repent of my warped and selfish version of sexual pleasure without fearing that I am denying or rejecting some essential part of me. And I am free to pray to God without anger in my heart for “making me this way.”
Lies About Marriage That Kept Me Trapped
I write this today as a married man. Getting married certainly did not cure me of my desire for porn. No, God had begun transforming my heart long before I ever met my wife, and even now, I still depend on Him to continue that transforming work.
Believing “marriage will fix me” kept me trapped because it meant as long as I was single I could settle for less than God’s standard.
I believed marriage would be the cure-all, my “in-house fix.” But the very nature of porn addiction exposes this lie, doesn’t it?
Marriage is about intimacy with one woman. But what I wanted in porn was the variety: it was never enough to lust after one woman. What kept the porn-viewing ritual going for hours was the high I got from thinking about “the next girl,” the next video clip, the next picture, believing there was always something better around the corner just waiting to be discovered. Often I would stop looking at porn and just “get the job done” not because I wanted to stop looking but because I was exhausted.
Sex in marriage is something good, something in keeping with God’s design, but what I wanted in porn was the sense of the “forbidden.” Marriage doesn’t cure a desire for porn because even in a sexually vibrant marriage, your wife is not forbidden. She is yours. The sinful, coveting heart that I had before marriage is the same sinful, coveting heart I have in marriage. So long as I am vulnerable to coveting, I am vulnerable to lust.
Sex in marriage is also a giving act, but what I wanted in porn was entirely self-centered. For me, porn fueled a lifelong fantasy to be desirable, and irresistible. While fantasizing or watching pornography, porn stars were not the focus of my attention: I was. The porn girls were more or less trophies of my fantasy: their “beauty,” their avidity, and their hysterically euphoric response to “me” was the whole point. Nothing about lust prepares someone to be a real lover.
For all these reasons, it should seem obvious to us: the pleasure of marital sex cannot quench lust any more than fresh-baked bread quenches my desire for cake. Lust is the function of a sinful heart—not just a “single” heart.
That said, there is something powerfully transforming about marriage…
Know How to Take a Wife
The apostle Paul writes,
“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from unchastity; that each one of you know how to take a wife for himself in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like heathen who do not know God; that no man transgress, and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we solemnly forewarned you. For God has not called us for uncleanness, but in holiness. Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-8, RSV)
When it comes to God’s sexual standards, Paul gives us the bottom line: we are called to be sanctified. This literally means we are to be consecrated or set apart to God, and thus set apart to His desires for our sexuality.
Paul believed this meant knowing “how to take a wife” in an honorable way. Paul is telling his readers to turn their attention to and learn what it means to acquire a wife in a way that is holy, in a way that shows we are set apart to God. It means showing “honor” to women and to the God who made them: giving them the dignity fitting of their worth as people created in the image of God.
- Reading this as a single man meant I was to repent of my life of fantasy that treated women like objects and instead set my mind to understanding what it meant to pursue, date (or “court” if you prefer), and marry a woman in an honorable way.
- Today as a married man, this means continuing to show the same honor to women, and to prize my wife as one created in God’s image and one I should willingly die for.
When a man sets his mind to this, whether single or married, it can have a powerful impact on his heart. It helps him to see and choose the beauty of self-giving love over the false beauty of fantasy. God has given to husbands the high calling of emulating a divine kind of love that can be described as nothing less than breathtaking: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). This was how Christ won his bride: He died for her. It is this kind of love-to-the-death, this self-giving love, we are meant to find so captivating.
Redeeming Intimacy
When I was knee-deep in porn every week, one of the motivators that kept me coming back again and again was my sincere desire for intimacy—but an intimacy without risks. I wanted to be close to others, but necessarily vulnerable. I wanted a real relationship, but I wanted to be in control. Porn gives us this illusion: we can feel “connected” but not have all the mess of a real relationship.
More than anything I needed to run to God as a Father who is sovereign over my relationships. Relationships are risky. Hearts can be broken. Emotions are messy. But God promises that everything we go through will work for good for those who love Him and are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). God can and will take all our relationships—even our failed ones—and use them to conform us to the image of his Son (v.29). Knowing this, we can pursue genuine intimacy with others in a godly manner, not run to the fake security digital sex.
When an attractive woman comes across a man’s field of vision and he feels that twinge of desire, that man can prayerfully confess:
“Lord, my eyes easily lead me astray. The sin in me wants to treat this person as an object that makes me feel special, significant, and attractive. Forgive me when I indulge my lust. But you, God have pointed me to a truer beauty. I turn my thoughts now to Christ who shows me what love and faithfulness really look like. Enlarge my heart and give me power to understand the love Christ has for me, even in my sinfulness. Let this immeasurable love pierce through my selfish desire to make everything—and everyone—revolve around me. I turn my heart now to my wife, the one you have given me. Inspire me to love her with the same kind of love.”
Dr. Tim Chester says it best: “A life-with-porn versus a life-without-porn is a poor choice. A life-with versus a life-without. If you set it up in these terms then you won’t produce lasting change. We need to set it up (as it truly is) as a choice between life-with-porn versus life-with-God. We need to show how God always offers more than porn.”
Hi.
My name is Antony. I’m Christian and I really love God. I don’t watch pprnography everyday. There are periods in my life in which I spend time watching it . I’m not gay,but I watch naked men photos or videos at times, (not to get excited or to masturbate) ,but to know how they behave with each other, how they treat their bodies, how to be a real man. I never did any kind of sport, I never had experiences like that. My school mates often spoke about standing naked in locker rooms, and they stayed naked with no shame. During my adolescence I avoided to do Physic Education or to stay in the locker room. I was ashamed, people insulted my body, and they even called me gay.. . I always stayed at home, going to church, praising and worshipping God. But I never knew how to deal with my body. I’ve always thought my body wasn’t enough, I never felt virile. Please help me. I want to have a holy relationship with my body.
Hi Anthony,
Well, I’d say that the only way to “be a real man” is YOUR way. YOU are created in the image of God, exactly as you are, to demonstrate the beauty of God on earth. YOU! Whoever YOU are, that’s exactly who you are supposed to be. If you try to make yourself into something else, none of us will get to see God-in-you like we’re supposed to. We will all miss out on YOU and what YOU are meant to show us.
So I would urge you to stop trying to be someone other than YOU.
You are enough, exactly as you are. The holiest relationship you can have with your body is one of gratitude and thanksgiving. Let God’s delight in you be your measure: you are the child he created and loves and rejoices over.
The lies that people have told you serve shame, not Love. When you hear those lies echoing in your head, turn back to Love instead: YOU bear God’s divine image in this world. YOU were created from the foundation of the world to be exactly who you are, right here and right now.
Live in that truth, find people who know that truth and will reflect it back to you, perhaps a therapist, a recovery group. Have good boundaries with anyone who would speak lies into your life: don’t listen to lies. Find the truth and stay with it. Let it set you free.
Peace to you,
Kay
Hi, I read through a few of the posts and the article and was affected. I felt it hit the nail right on the head for me although I don’t get some of the marriage stuff but what he described the desires and lies like are very real in my life. I am a christian 14 year old and things have been spiraling down for me for a long time and I have struggled with this stuff since the 3rd grade when I was exposed to it. I feel like it and it’s side effects are ingrained in my personality. I know what the root of the problem is but the problem was cause by my problem and the prospect that everybody at my school hates me which can’t be true. I need help and am meeting with my youth pastor next week about it and am encouraged about that. My main two questions are that this girl wants to have a relationship with me but I am so double minded about girls like one minute they are people and the next and object to covet and I am just don’t want to hurt her. My second question is that I think one of my closer friends said something about porn in a way that I used to when I wasn’t as confident about what I was doing in the fact of it is wrong and I need help. I don’t know how to confront him or even if I should. The email is personal btw.
Hey Daniel,
It sounds like you’ve got a really good head on your shoulders, and taking the step to meet with your youth pastor is incredibly brave. Learning to not be controlled by shame and fear, but rather to face our emotions honestly and to seek help and connection, rather than stay in isolation–those are all great emotional skills that can only help you going forward.
I would say that it’s a really good idea to work on your own emotional life at this point, because yes, it’s all too easy to make someone else into an object. Keep taking responsibility for yourself, and keep recognizing your tendency to objectify. Keep remembering that you and every other person you’ll ever meet are precious image-bearers of God’s love in the world. When you find yourself not so easily objectifying others, that might be when you’re more ready for a relationship that can honor the other person equally with yourself. Just the fact that you have this awareness makes me so hopeful for you!
As for your friend, you don’t have to confront in any aggressive sense, but you can certainly share your own experience with him. Maybe you’ll find a companion for the journey that way.
The truth is, almost everybody is exposed to porn at some level these days. We can’t undo that. But what we can do is recognize how it impacts us, and instead of being pushed further and further into unwanted behaviors by shame and silence, open ourselves up to connection with others, and continue to take responsibility for our own choices within the healing community of relationship.
You’re on a good path. Keep walking. Don’t give up.
Peace to you,
Kay
I struggle with indifference. I struggle with wanting to do good but wanting that one last “high,” if you will, before quitting. I want to quit. I don’t think I want it enough. I ask for encouragement and advice. I am a Christian teenager with prospects ahead of me. A “good” kid that nothing bad ever happens to. Please reply.
Hi, Will – being open is good. Nice job. Now, I’m going to ask your permission to be direct. It sounds like you can handle it.
It sounds like you want to do the right thing. So, here’s the issue – the choice is yours. No one can stop you from looking at porn. NO ONE! If you’re a Christian teenager, then it’s time to start believing that you’re a child of God and start acting like it. I’m being very direct – I think we tend to take a too gentle approach with guys and watching porn. NO! We were made for more. It’s time to be men. It’s time to love and respect the women around us AND on our screens. Even if they don’t respect themselve, WE have to decide to choose respect for them. This is on us. No more excuses. More than conquerors! Read Romans 8, all of it, to see what you were created to be. A warrior. Fearless. Of God. Untouchable. Unshakable. Settle for nothing less! Is your phone the issue? Then get rid of it. Do you struggle at night? Then no internet after 9pm. Do you masturbate? Then go (with parent permission!!!) get a tattoo of scripture put on your wrist. I guarantee you’ll quit :) How badly do you want this? You have to want it. You have to want freedom INSIDE and do things that prove you want it on the OUTSIDE.
I have faith in you. God is rooting for you! And, I am, too.
Peace, Chris
Iam so happy that I was directed to this article.. Even though the letter is too old .I find it very helpful .I really thank God ☺.for the fist time I have felt that I can overcome this habit ,soooooooooo plzzzz pray from me
Just got done scrolling through all the comments, I would suggest everyone else do the same. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS STRUGGLE!
I am 16, turning 17, and I have been struggling with pornography and masturbation for around 3 years. I just started the road to recovery, confession, repentance, and forgiveness. I made a mistake keeping my hurt bottled up inside me for 3 years, I should have gone straight to my parents the day I watched my first porn video. But I didn’t. The devil fills your head with lies and deceit, and most of all, fear. What kept me from confessing for 3 years? Fear. I was afraid to tell my parents, specifically, my mother of my struggles. She is a very Christian woman, and I am a very Christian man, and to have this addiction is DEBILITATING to the conscience. But THANKS BE TO GOD that the Holy Spirit is working in me through my baptism, communion, and the reading of the Word to work repentance and confession in me, giving me the ABILITY to come to my parents and confess my struggles.
I get it, you’re a wife, and you found out your husband has been naughty. How EXCRUCIATING it must be for a wife who is in a marriage, may have kids, to find out that her man and husband has been watching pornography. I can only imagine it must bring grief of the truest kind, and make yourself feel HEAVILY unworthy in the process.
It’s a sad sad state we live in, things are broken and fractured worse than ever. But God is EVER present and enduring, DO NOT GIVE UP. This goes for wives who their husbands have injured and hurt, and husbands who feel really bad about the whole thing!
You might be wondering where to start, like I was for three years. I totally understand that feeling, it’s a mess! You are so sunk into lustful addiction, and you feel you alone in the world (even though you totally aren’t,) and worst of all, you’re afraid you might even go to hell for your sins! But THANKS BE TO GOD you feel that, because it means first off, you AREN’T going to hell! What that fear and trepidation means is that the Holy Spirit is working in you telling you what you are doing is wrong, and is telling you to confess and repent!
Confess. That is the first step in fixing any addiction. I had bottled it up for three years thinking I could just quit. Every time I masturbated and watched porn, I felt mighty guilty, but ultimately shrugged the guilt off by assuring myself I could and would quit the next day. AINT’ GONNA HAPPEN. The broken world and our human flesh is oftentimes overpowering for our weak minds, and we need others to step in and help. Because let’s face it everyone who’s reading this comment and knows someone or is addicted to pornography, it’s not going to fix itself. You need to tell someone, and that essentially gets the process started.
Scrolling through these comments I see a lot of young kids and teenagers struggling. Surprised adults? You shouldn’t be, children, especially those who have just hit or passed puberty, have huge sex drives and will be suckered right into the porn pitfall. Thankfully for children, they have it easy! While they still live in their parents’ house, the teen/child is under their control! The biggest hurdle is LETTING your parent know what you struggle with. Once that’s out of the way, they will get the process started to heal you! They may cut the internet out, take you to therapy, have you go to your pastor (best idea) but the point is they will HELP YOU!! Thank the Lord you have good parents to go to!
Parents who are reading this… Don’t even let the addiction get started! If you have children (doesn’t matter what age) FILTER YOUR INTERNET. You’re probably thinking, (oh my kid’s not into porn, he’s too young) WRONG WRONG WRONG. As a doctor once told my mom, “All it takes is a little bit and the kid is hooked.” DON’T PUT YOURSELF OR YOUR CHILD IN THAT POSITION. Monitor internet access at all times, filter internet, do what you must to keep your child away from that GARBAGE. Look at me! I wasn’t kept away and I screwed up!
Grown men, you have the hardest struggle of all, especially if you are married. It may seem like you have no one to go to, and no hope left in your life. A pornography addiction in a marriage is VERY HARD, mostly for the wife, but it HAS TO BE ADDRESSED. I would not recommend going to your wife first when confronting the issue, as she will be too fragile for the shock, and too tender afterwards. GO TO YOUR PASTOR. Confess, let him forgive you in the name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit, and REPENT. Let him know what’s going on, he will know what to do. You will have to let your wife know at some point, it is unavoidable, but God willing will keep her strong through this hard period.
If you’re a wife and you found out your husband has been watching porn, DO NOT SUCK IT UP. Worst idea! If he tells you it’s not your business, that is the WORST LIE EVER! You are his wife, his sexual partner, you are ONE WITH HIM, it is ABSOLUTELY your business if he’s watching porn. The first step would be to approach your pastor, and let him know. It is your pastor’s responsibility to tend to his “flock” (congregation) and to appropriately deal with any sin that you bring to his table. Talk to your pastor, tell him your husband is being unfaithful, and approach your husband with your pastor’s assistance. Let him know that it’s a sin, that it’s hurting you and your marriage, and possibly children, and let him know it needs to stop, NOW! Get him to go to therapy, counselling, and most of all, confess to his pastor!
It will be hard, but be strong in the Lord. Put on the armor of faith, trust in the Lord and his righteousness however bad things may seem. Look through these comments, they are filled with brokenness and despair, mine included. Porn is a sad sad story, and a sad sad state we live in. But we can’t just accept our fate and watch it anyway, you have to FIGHT IT! All Christians are fighting a REAL SPIRITUAL WAR and it DOESN’T get better by doing nothing. So like I said, take the first steps and confess, your pastor should be your first bet, or your parents if you’re a child.
I’m tired of typing now, but I want to leave this on the table. REMEMBER YOU’RE NOT ALONE. Again, read through the comments and the statistics on porn, and you’ll find that men women and children are all struggling with this horrible sin, and remember more than just “you’re not alone,” SEEK HELP OUT FROM THOSE PEOPLE! ME! I’m a great guy, love to chat anytime with anyone who’s struggling with porn.
I’m LCMS (Lutheran Church Missouri Synod) and would highly recommend reading this blog post
http://www.lutheranlayman.com/2015/10/confessions-of-confessional-lutheran.html
Finally, remember the real deal here, and that is the fact that God understands this sin, and sent his SON JESUS CHRIST to DIE on the Cross for it. YOU ARE FORGIVEN, your whole addiction story is COVERED BY HIS BLOOD. Do not take that the wrong way however, you are forgiven, but a forgiven person FIGHTS and WANTS to do better. Yes you are forgiven, and yes, you have to quit porn.
Good luck, email me at [omitted for privacy reasons – if you would like to make contact with the commenter, please leave a response to this comment, and he will see it – thank you, Covenant Eyes] for someone who’s struggled with the same issue.
Hi I’m 13 and I’m afraid to tell my parents about my struggle because my mom tends to get really mad and stay that way for a really long time. Anyway, I wonder if I can just walk with God through this whole thing, I mean, I know he forgives me, right?
God absolutely does forgive you, and love you, no matter what. I wonder if you can approach your parents from the position of asking for help? “Dad, Mom, I’ve seen some things online that I know are unhealthy, and I would like help in keeping the internet safer for me. Could we install Covenant Eyes?” I’m a mom, and I know I haven’t always reacted well when I feel like my kids are threatened by something that can cause them long-term harm! But, I wonder if it’s worth taking the chance that she’d be mad, if it means you can get the support you need? Take care of you! Kay
Well I’m 17yrs old and I’m a pornfinatic from cartoons to animals. I got saved at the age of 8 2009 on my fathers birthday
I want to stop this cycle of lieng to God and myself
I know the wages of sin is death, but knowing that I can access this sin so quickly through the internet its hard to break from.
Porn was introduced to me in middle school through corrupted kids I chilled with. Since highschool I do it every know and then
But I want to stop come completely. I don’t want to lie to myself and God anymore, I don’t want God’s death mean nothing.
I am a good Christian a dedicated one , I don’t try to seduce girls or touch them sexually. I’ve always been a lonely person
I never dated a girl before I talk to them and help them out biblically about relationships I’m scared I’ll date and eventually marry a girl for the flesh instead of her heart for god because of porn. But at my school I am surrounded by short Short’s(butt chiks hanging ) tights and cut up shirts. The girls there wear stuff to try make a guy break his neck to look. I don’t look at them at school but at local library and home I do through porn.
I’m disgusted by it at school but not at home or at the local library. I know scripture and I tell ppl about God, what to do and what not to do but I go on the internet and screw up my relationship with God for some 5min pleasing session
Plz. Help me
(I really need help talking to girls to without looking an idiot)
Hi, Jackie – ok, man, then it’s time to get serious! You don’t stand a chance alone. You need to run with someone who can help you. That’s accountability! Read this: https://www.covenanteyes.com/2010/05/13/3-biblical-strategies-for-fighting-lust/
Also, get ready for battle. Read this: https://www.covenanteyes.com/2016/06/30/stop-looking-at-porn-you-sicko-part-1/
Hello. I’m a teenager and a Christian. I used to stuggle a lot with porn in my early teen years. I grew up in a Christian home and went to church every Sunday but I never really accepted Jesus as my Savior. I knew there is a God and believed He was real but thats about how far my faith went. My father is a Christian but certainly doesn’t act like one. My mother is a devoted Christian and God has used her in my walk with Christ. I don’t exactly remember when I started watching porn but I do know that it took over my life real quick. Every chance I got I would watch. I l knew it was wrong but still I continued. For about three years I struggled with this addiction. Finally one day I just couldn’t handle it anymore and asked God to please forgive me and accepted Him as my Savior. Now I am not saying that in one day God saved me and freed me from everything in past. I still stuggle with many things but God took that desire of wanting to watch porn out of my heart. I haven’t watched porn in atleast two years. I’ve never told my parents but God has been convicting me about that for a while. Even though I don’t watch porn anymore I still feel like I should tell someone. I still don’t feel comfortable telling my parents but I know I need to tell someone. So I thought I would take baby steps and get the burden off of my chest here. Anyway thank you for posting this. It feels really good to know that I am not the only one who stuggled with this problem.
My Name is Matthew. I’m only 15 and I have been dealing with porn for a year. I can’t seem to quit. I know I can’t do it on my own, but I can’t seem to quit even when I ask God to help me. I feel like God has left me to suffer my consequences and won’t help me out. I feel too far gone, like there is no way out. I don’t know what to do. my parents would be so upset at me if I told them, so I am afraid to tell them and confess what I have done. My last resort was here, on the internet. Please pray for me. I need to connect with someone real, not a fake computer, but someone who will talk to me and walk with me where I am and not shame me, but pray for me and keep me accountable. If you wouldn’t mind being my accountability partner, you can email me at matthew.eells@cesuvt.org. Even if you see this comment in 2 years, still feel free to email me, I really need help, and I am very lost. Thank you.
Hello Matthew – I’m so sorry that you are struggling. It is a hard, hard fight, but one that can be won (even if you don’t feel like it right now!). God IS for you. Please visit this website: http://www.purelifeministries.org/#home They have a chat feature where you can talk to someone right away if that helps. Also, as much as it might sound embarrassing, I really want to encourage you to find a real, human, face-to-face accountability partner you can talk to. You can’t beat this on your own (I bet you already know that). I’m glad that you had the courage to post here and now take the next step to stomp on evil and follow-through with a conversation with someone. Everything we keep in the light has less and less power over us – live as a child of the light! Ephesians 5:8
Matthew, one more thing. Find a note card. Write down everything you know about who you are in Christ. “I am His. I was bought for a price. I am unique. Nothing is impossible for God.” etc. Writing things down has immense power. Find the scripture to support your words. Soak yourself in God’s Truth. It is awesome medicine for a hurting soul.
Peace, Chris
Covenant Eyes
Grew up in a dysfunctional home with a father who drank and left Playboys around the house – As a curious young guy I got into those magazines after he put his old ones he finished reading in the attic. By the time the internet came along I was already hooked as a young guy and having seen my father model that behavior before me thought it was normal and dove head first into looking at porn.
I was saved at age 23 ( am now 47) and still looked at it , not really fully understanding what the Lord expected of me as a saved individual. Overtime the Lord began to work in my life and I noticed a direct connection between my looking at porn and all kinds of tribulation which would follow after, then the struggle began and as of today I wouldn’t say I”m completely free, but It’s gotten much better than it was.
Months will go by or a yr and I’ll wont look at it, but as of recently I’ve been out of work for over a yr. and a half and as a result of the idle time find myself struggling with it once again. I have thrown out several computers over the yrs to try and get free of it and turned off internet and cable in my house but always buy another one and download it at a wireless hotspot.
One of the biggest thought pattern that has me justifying going back to it time and time again is the thought of my never getting married. Most of my friends are all married with kids and here I am still single at 47 wondering when my time will come.
When I get to thinking this way and temptation comes knocking, my thoughts are ” What’s the use in being good? Nothing goes my way and my prayers for a wife go unanswered anyways ” I know that’s not right thinking, but it’s very hard in this day and age of to watch all your friends with kids and families and you’re sitting here by yourself with no one.
It’s especially hard in this day and age of social media where friends and familiar are constantly posting their happy moments with their families or on family vacations and I’m sitting here out of work wondering when my life is going to go somewhere. I know the sum total of life is not these things alone, but I can not seem to help the feelings I feel and the longing to have a Godly wife to go to Church and serve the Lord with and Children to raise to know him as well.