I can remember very vividly what it was like to feel the pull of pornography. I can remember those long nights, exhausted but still alert, looking for my fix. I would drag out the ritual for hours: sometimes on the Internet, sometimes visiting adult video shops, sometimes engaging in phone sex.
I would have told you then I wanted to stop, but the very idea of stopping was terrifying to me. As a Christian, the conviction about my porn use haunted me. But the idea of completely removing porn from my world sounded like air being sucked out of the room: what would I be left with if I didn’t have this crutch to lean on?
Lies About God That Kept Me Trapped
There was a time when I had given myself over to the lie that looking at porn, no matter how hard I tried not to look, was an inevitability. For the first few years of this downward spiral, I was racked with guilt.
During the last couple years of it, I was too exhausted to feel guilt anymore: it was just a foreboding sense of hopelessness. There were times I had no faith that I would ever change.
If you would have asked me if I was doubting God’s ability to change me, I would have said no. After all, God can change anybody, but only if they “do their part,” right? Only those who muster up enough faith can call on God to do a miracle, right?
But I was believing a lie about God: a lie that said God can only change the willing. The fact is sin runs in our veins; none of us are willing. None of us can create faith within ourselves. It is a gift from God (Ephesians 2:8). I needed only to come to God with my empty hands, my weak faith, and my total helplessness and say, “I believe; help my unbelief” (Mark 9:24).
Lies About Sex That Kept Me Trapped
I was single at the time and had also bought into the lie that marriage and sexual intimacy were somehow basic rights that had been denied me. I believed sex was not only a desperate biological need, I believed sexual pleasure was, in a way, the goal of life: a promised land I had yet to enter.
Porn was my way of cheating the universe that had denied me; it was my tantrum at God.
Had my mind not been so clouded at the time, I would have been forced to admit marriage was no more a “right” than anything else in life: it is only by God’s undeserved mercy and patience that I have any blessings in my life at all. Had I been thinking straight I would have understood that sex was not a “need” at all (at least, not in the proper sense). It was I, not God, who had turned a normal sex drive into something “desperate.” It was I, not God, who had elevated sexual pleasure to a place it was never meant to occupy.
I say all of this not to be “down” on our God-given sex drive, but to put it in its proper place: for only when it is in its proper place that I can enjoy it without it enslaving me. Sex is good (very good, actually). Sexual pleasure is good. Marriage is good. It is even good to desire them.
But when I believe I “need” them, then God becomes a capricious Creator bent on placing people into impossible situations, demanding chastity but pushing us beyond the breaking point.
Knowing these simple truths—that sexual pleasure is a desire, not a need—then I am free to place it alongside other good desires and God’s commands and see it for what it is. I am free to repent of my warped and selfish version of sexual pleasure without fearing that I am denying or rejecting some essential part of me. And I am free to pray to God without anger in my heart for “making me this way.”
Lies About Marriage That Kept Me Trapped
I write this today as a married man. Getting married certainly did not cure me of my desire for porn. No, God had begun transforming my heart long before I ever met my wife, and even now, I still depend on Him to continue that transforming work.
Believing “marriage will fix me” kept me trapped because it meant as long as I was single I could settle for less than God’s standard.
I believed marriage would be the cure-all, my “in-house fix.” But the very nature of porn addiction exposes this lie, doesn’t it?
Marriage is about intimacy with one woman. But what I wanted in porn was the variety: it was never enough to lust after one woman. What kept the porn-viewing ritual going for hours was the high I got from thinking about “the next girl,” the next video clip, the next picture, believing there was always something better around the corner just waiting to be discovered. Often I would stop looking at porn and just “get the job done” not because I wanted to stop looking but because I was exhausted.
Sex in marriage is something good, something in keeping with God’s design, but what I wanted in porn was the sense of the “forbidden.” Marriage doesn’t cure a desire for porn because even in a sexually vibrant marriage, your wife is not forbidden. She is yours. The sinful, coveting heart that I had before marriage is the same sinful, coveting heart I have in marriage. So long as I am vulnerable to coveting, I am vulnerable to lust.
Sex in marriage is also a giving act, but what I wanted in porn was entirely self-centered. For me, porn fueled a lifelong fantasy to be desirable, and irresistible. While fantasizing or watching pornography, porn stars were not the focus of my attention: I was. The porn girls were more or less trophies of my fantasy: their “beauty,” their avidity, and their hysterically euphoric response to “me” was the whole point. Nothing about lust prepares someone to be a real lover.
For all these reasons, it should seem obvious to us: the pleasure of marital sex cannot quench lust any more than fresh-baked bread quenches my desire for cake. Lust is the function of a sinful heart—not just a “single” heart.
That said, there is something powerfully transforming about marriage…
Know How to Take a Wife
The apostle Paul writes,
“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from unchastity; that each one of you know how to take a wife for himself in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like heathen who do not know God; that no man transgress, and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we solemnly forewarned you. For God has not called us for uncleanness, but in holiness. Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-8, RSV)
When it comes to God’s sexual standards, Paul gives us the bottom line: we are called to be sanctified. This literally means we are to be consecrated or set apart to God, and thus set apart to His desires for our sexuality.
Paul believed this meant knowing “how to take a wife” in an honorable way. Paul is telling his readers to turn their attention to and learn what it means to acquire a wife in a way that is holy, in a way that shows we are set apart to God. It means showing “honor” to women and to the God who made them: giving them the dignity fitting of their worth as people created in the image of God.
- Reading this as a single man meant I was to repent of my life of fantasy that treated women like objects and instead set my mind to understanding what it meant to pursue, date (or “court” if you prefer), and marry a woman in an honorable way.
- Today as a married man, this means continuing to show the same honor to women, and to prize my wife as one created in God’s image and one I should willingly die for.
When a man sets his mind to this, whether single or married, it can have a powerful impact on his heart. It helps him to see and choose the beauty of self-giving love over the false beauty of fantasy. God has given to husbands the high calling of emulating a divine kind of love that can be described as nothing less than breathtaking: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). This was how Christ won his bride: He died for her. It is this kind of love-to-the-death, this self-giving love, we are meant to find so captivating.
Redeeming Intimacy
When I was knee-deep in porn every week, one of the motivators that kept me coming back again and again was my sincere desire for intimacy—but an intimacy without risks. I wanted to be close to others, but necessarily vulnerable. I wanted a real relationship, but I wanted to be in control. Porn gives us this illusion: we can feel “connected” but not have all the mess of a real relationship.
More than anything I needed to run to God as a Father who is sovereign over my relationships. Relationships are risky. Hearts can be broken. Emotions are messy. But God promises that everything we go through will work for good for those who love Him and are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). God can and will take all our relationships—even our failed ones—and use them to conform us to the image of his Son (v.29). Knowing this, we can pursue genuine intimacy with others in a godly manner, not run to the fake security digital sex.
When an attractive woman comes across a man’s field of vision and he feels that twinge of desire, that man can prayerfully confess:
“Lord, my eyes easily lead me astray. The sin in me wants to treat this person as an object that makes me feel special, significant, and attractive. Forgive me when I indulge my lust. But you, God have pointed me to a truer beauty. I turn my thoughts now to Christ who shows me what love and faithfulness really look like. Enlarge my heart and give me power to understand the love Christ has for me, even in my sinfulness. Let this immeasurable love pierce through my selfish desire to make everything—and everyone—revolve around me. I turn my heart now to my wife, the one you have given me. Inspire me to love her with the same kind of love.”
Dr. Tim Chester says it best: “A life-with-porn versus a life-without-porn is a poor choice. A life-with versus a life-without. If you set it up in these terms then you won’t produce lasting change. We need to set it up (as it truly is) as a choice between life-with-porn versus life-with-God. We need to show how God always offers more than porn.”
in 1998.. i had to fake being a woman to get it done and i stayed confused for another 9 years until in 2008 i switched back to being a male and i live as a eunuch.. i have had no lust except a few times in my dreams. Jesus is helping me resolve that.. Matthew 19:12 is where Jesus tells us we can do this for the glory of his kingdom … Jesus’ Teaching about Divorce
…11But He said to them, “Not all men can accept this statement, but only those to whom it has been given. 12″For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother’s womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept this, let him accept it.”…….. PS: I NEVER HAD ATTRACTIONS TO MEN EITHER … AND AFTER THE SURGERY I ONLY SOUGHT TRUE LOVE .. I FINALLY FOUND IT WITH JESUS AMEN
Thanks for the advice Sir but i am willing to hear about masturbation too.Thanks
This is the first time I’ve ever said this to anyone.
I’ve been trying to quit for quite a while now. Longer than I’d like to admit really.
I’ve had periods of a few months where I’ve stopped, but it picks back up again.
I started at too early an age so it hasn’t been an easy road.
I have yet to tell any of my friends and family of what I’ve gone through trying to quit porn.
I wanted to keep this between just God and me.
I always thought it would be a great embarrassment to my family if word of it came out, but now I’m thinking of letting someone know.
I don’t know who to talk to though…
I still have the desire for porn these days, and I’ve slipped up every now and then.
Every time I do I feel like I’ve lost sight of the plan God made for me or that I’m completely
wasting my purpose or potential on this world.
I’ve always had a great vision that God would use me to change the world for his glory,
but the more I slip, the more I feel like I’m just blowing it.
The biggest mistake I guess was not fighting it right away. I have yet to put any filtering software on my laptop,
so that’s a big hindrance and I still need to get off my Ipod which has access to the internet.
I feel ashamed that I’ve continued after all this time. I feel like it’s almost as if you’re taking advantage of his grace if you continue.
It’s kinda pathetic really how easily tempted i am.
The worst part is the damage I’ve caused in my life and in the lives of others because of this addiction.
First of all let me get this straight. It all started in middle school, which is one of the earliest years I’ve ever known for someone to start.
It raged on through the seventh grade when I began masturbating to porn.
My last year in middle school was a disaster ’cause I had nearly thrown everything away,
my grades
my trumpet playing
my friends
my church community
out of desperation I called out to God to help me be free.
As he always does, he answered me.
He set me free and I lived through an entire summer free.
He gave me a purpose and convicted my heart to love as freely as I could.
I didn’t leave without scars though. I entered middle school as an energetic young fellow, some would’ve thought I was an extrovert. I made many friends that I deeply cared about, and I still do, but I no longer talk to them. I ended middle school as an introvert, with no one to talk to and no one to care about.
Some of my closest friends I lost contact with for a few years, and I rarely ever talked period.
When I started high school the only people I would ever speak to were my fellow trumpet players in marching band.
As well as my brothers and sisters in the AGAPE christian club.
They all overflowed my freshmen year with love and support, acting as God’s arms embracing me.
I was baptized that spring because I felt that it was time I took a step back to God. I avoided describing anything that had to do with my struggles in middle school when I said my testimony. I still regret not telling anyone.
I continued high school occasionally slipping back into porn, because I couldn’t
keep my walk with God consistent. There were months where I sat by myself just thinking on what was going on.
I wanted for a while to solve it myself by convincing myself to let go of the desires.
I tried to argue against my lust with facts like sex trafficking, that women were not to be lusted after and treated like anything other than God’s creation, or that
I would ruin myself if I continued. These were all true, but it takes more than logic and reason to control desire.
Today I’ve still yet to stop lusting. I wish I wasn’t a man so that I wouldn’t have to worry about all the temptations that are everywhere these days.
Other times I’m thankful that I went through it and that I’m coming out of this, because I may be able to help anyone else who is struggling right now.
I’m not proud of what I’ve done, and I may never forget the shame of continuing it.
Sometimes when I look back, I’m almost disgusted with myself.
What’s keeping me going these days is the hope that God will use me for the purpose he has for me.
That I will change the world for his glory, that no matter what, he’ll pick me up every time I slip a little, and lead me on.
I only have one more year left in high school and I plan to change people’s lives in that one year.
(yes I have struggled with porn for over 4 years now)
I plan to fill the campus with the gospel, not only through my actions but finally with words.
I first need to be completely confident though that I will never watch porn again. I need to know I’m completely free.
I’m always touched by the lyrics:
“We are free to struggle, we’re not struggling to be free”
because truly, who the Son sets free is free indeed.
If anyone is still completely trapped in porn, I need to emphasize even more how destructive it has been
these past years.
If you read the details on Eliot Rodgers, the shooter at Isla Vista and UCSB, he got into porn around the same age I started.
That’s the most chilling thought right now.
If we continue to lust and lust and lust after women,
first our minds lower women to replaceable objects of pleasure
then sometimes we exclude ourselves out of shame
our loneliness sometimes causes us to continue porn to distract us
the loneliness can sometimes become jealousy and hatred
when ever I slipped, I couldn’t build up enough
confidence to even pray to God.
Lust is destructive to our walk and our ministries
as many pastors have shown before
The final barrier I guess I hope I will never cross is the day I end up lusting after a close friend of mine and
hurting her.
So I not only struggle for the gospel’s sake, but for the sake of my family in Christ.
I praise God whenever I think back to how far he has lead me back, and continue to plead for forgiveness for my
incompetence in my walk.I still need another year at least to think on this and reflect.
Please pray for my recovery, as it still is not yet complete.
Hi Wes.
Wow.. I can’t even explain to you how similar our stories are. I am now going on 22 years old, I have a beautiful girlfriend and all the love in the world from family and friends, yet my addiction to porn and lust is so incredibly strong. I have struggled greatly with keeping relationships in my life as I always seem to grow bored of the women I date once I “use” them for what I want. I’m so utterly disgusted in myself for this as God has made woman to be a companion to man, to be an equal and to cherished as precious gems. I read your testimony, while I had a porn clip paused. I felt this pain in my heart and it felt as if spiritual warfare was happening in the spirit world. I closed the clip and felt urged to send this message.
Thank you Luke for this amazing blog and thank you Wes for having the courage and strength to post your struggle. I can truly say, that God has brought me to this site for a reason. I feel strong, empowered, and for once… normal.. it seems many men are struggling with lust and it feels so good to know I’s not alone, we’re not alone. May we stand as Mighty Men before God and bring glory and honor to his holy name.
God Bless my Fellow Christian Brotherhood, pray for one another, stand up for one another, but most importantly, Trust in our All-Mighty and All-Powerful God. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, Philippians 4:13
Thanks, Michael. It is good to know our words are doing some good in the world.
Wow this is inspiring.. I am in high school also. I have filtered my phone and have stopped watching pornography altogether but I felt as if other boys hadn’t. And that’s had an impact on how I viewed things. I no longer wanted a boyfriend. Or anything like that because I’ve viewed males all the same. Any help with this?
Hey Ellie. Well, I think you’ll find that there are guys out there with your same kind of experience: exposure to porn, and then working toward healthier choices. Give yourself some time to recover and feel stable in your sexual health. I think you’re going to find that as you’re not looking at porn, you’ll be more and more able to see people as people, and not as objects any more. Our sexuality is a part of who we are–a good part!–but it’s not the totality of ourselves as porn portrays. As you recover, you should be able to put that back into perspective.
When you’re ready to date again, I think what you’ll need to do is have tough conversations with any guy you’re thinking of dating. You’ll have to make sure that your boyfriend is being responsible for his own sexual health just like you are. Here’s an article I wrote a while back about porn and dating. And more recently, I published a short ebook at Amazon called Porn and Your Boyfriend–it’s got conversation-starters and some ideas for how to evaluate how things are going.
Have a look through those things, and let me know what you think. Blessings, Kay
About 20 years ago while in the middle of struggling with this sin, God gave me a dream to show me the struggle I was going through and how it looked from a spiritual view. I was in the middle of a bull fighting ring, I wasn’t a matador. As the bulls (I didn’t see them physically as bulls but as very large spirit like bulls that attacked and overwhelmed me. I was being shown how powerful the spirits and their actions are. During this time in my life I was learning who I was and what my authority is in Christ. In this dream each time I would see the “gates” holding the “bulls” back bow outward with their strength as they were trying to get out to get to me. The Holy Spirit was telling me to use my authority. In the spirit, I would put a stronger gate in place, I would add more wood, then tie it with strong ropes, then with steel gates – but each time as I watched the gate bow outward with unbelievable strength and power, I was getting the impression that with all the authority I knew I had stated by the Word, it didn’t seem to be enough. Stronger and stronger gates I put in place that looked like it would be impossible to break through, would be broken. Imagine like in a cartoon, a huge, massive, solid, very thick titanium gate bowing out with an unbelievable amount of force pushing it outward to the breaking point and then finally bursting through the gate with a huge explosion of power. The intensity of the power and the emotions were more than I could handle. I broke down crying in despair begging the Lord to make it stop as I could not take any more of the overwhelming emotions and sin that was attacking me. I then gained a sense of greater strength thinking, okay, God wants me to use htis strength to fight this battle – but then, as I looked down at the shadowy floor where I was standing, an image of the enemy was taking shape as the shadow and the floor. This “bull”, yet so much more than a bull, bigger and more powerful than the previous, burst through everything below me, overwhelmed and took my emotions over. This was so emotionally distressing as I thought all that God gave me through His Son wasn’t enough. I woke up shaking and totally stressed out. There was some fear but not enough to turn away from the Lord, as that foundation was set in stone and unmovable. I just had no answers as to why this happened. I immediately asked the Father what that was all about and His immediate answer was to show me just how powerful the enemy is…
At this point in my walk with Christ I was not fully understanding what the authority and power I had through Him – that is the reason for the dots after the last paragraph, God wasn’t finished answering the question yet, it wasn’t time for me to hear the rest yet.
A few years after this I went to a men’s retreat and this overpowering evil spirit was broke off of me and the uncontrollable desires were removed. A great weight was lifted as I no longer felt as though something that wasn’t me was controlling my thoughts and physical movements. I had gotten control back. I was never possessed by anything other than the Spirit of Christ but not fully realizing it, I was being controlled externally by the enemy in this area. I had let him in without even realizing it.
As time went on I still found myself drawn into pornography and all that it caused me to do, but I was choosing to be part of it. I felt as I could choose not to g that way but it felt too good to choose against it. All the begging God, walking away from the things that allowed access to this, hiding it from my wife and lying when asked (I knew that God forgave me and since he forgets our sin, I would say it didn’t exist) – the shame and weakness continued.
I didn’t understand why it wouldn’t go away until I reached a time in my walk with Christ fully knowing who I was in Christ then getting the full realization of the authority and power I have in Him. Not just believing the word in the Bible or what was preached from the altar – but having that ahh haa! moment when something impacts you so powerfully that you believe it without doubt and walking it out in faith is easy as it becomes part of you, more than just a knowledge or understanding – but it becomes you. When I fully realized that I had the full authority of Christ over the enemy and the things of this earth, this “powerful” spirit that wouldn’t leave me alone became something that I know longer saw as powerful, but as a toothless dog that didn’t want me to know what God has given me through the Christ that is in me. Am I still challenged? Yes. And if I let my guard down and not spend time in prayer, not commanding the devil to get away, I am still tempted and at times find myself giving in when I let my guard down. As the word tells us to guard our hearts, this is a full time job – the enemy may back away for a time but when you relax he finds away back in. Until the enemy is finally removed from this world, this battle for men’s souls will continue.
There is no quick or magical fix for this. Doing it in your own strength will eventually cause you to fall back into failure. First and foremost you have to have Christ in you heart as He is the One that gave His life for all sin and defeated the enemy for us. Then you have to know who you are in Christ, how the Father sees you and this can only be gotten by proper teaching by those that have already arrived at that point. Jesus uses His people for this purpose and He will speak and show you what you will need on a personal level if you have that relationship with Him. As the Holy Spirit told me part of what was going on in my life, He knew that it wasn’t time to tell me more or even all of it as I had not received the full knowledge that would be required to defeat this enemy. It was demonstrated by God to me how much power the enemy had at that point in my life because of my ignorance of the promises of my Father. Don’t just believe in God the Father, His Holy Spirit and His Son, don’t practice and follow His Word like a religion, let the Christ that is in you be who “you” are. Set all that who you are, aside and let Him shine forth in everything you are, then what you do will line up with the Father and then you please Him by your faith.
Thanks Luke G. I
Appreciate your time and consideration. Say a prayer for us please..if you can. I really want my family to
Succeed, but I know I will leave him if he’s not willing to value the important things in life more than that “garbage”. Not that those people in porn
Are trash but they definitely are not clean(in more ways than one) and should throw away their bad habits for doing what they do and than posting it for the world to see. Gosh, the power of a dollar.
I’m not a complete prude or whatever my attitude is defined as. I can appreciate sexuality and the naked form. I just think sexuality should be done tastefully with a bit of class. You know turn it into an art form if one wishes to publicize it. Not disgusting filth that I could possibly find underneath my shoe…from accidentally stepping down a icky street.
I think you make valid points, but this is coming from the woman’s perspective so it’s easy for me to agree with your logic, but you are still a man and have come to this conclusion on your own terms and it seems you have won your battle so I suppose their is hope for my man to win his. The thing is it seems he doesn’t want to change, he doesn’t want to gain awareness on this because he doesn’t want to be bothered with it. He overall, doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong. The chances of my partner agreeing with you (at least externally), or better yet, making the wonderful changes for us and our children are at this point…only wishful thinking. I will pray, but I have learned to numb myself pretty good to getting my hopes up with him. I don’t fall apart anymore like I used to when he would let me down or when I would find something bad. I still get sad, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and I can handle the truth much better these days than I once could. I have to, one of us has to take charge of our children’s well-being and upbringing.
He says to me…he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore…”we agreed it would only be every now and again” so to leave him alone. He gets very angry when I try to bring it up. He says most if not all guys masturbate, and most will do so when their wife goes out of town so he tells me not to worry. He said I have nothing to worry about. It doesn’t feel that way to me tho. In my gut I worry, I am concerned. He talks about our problems with the guys at work, he works in a hard labor job, and I guess it’s a bunch of “macho” guys with too much testosterone for their own good. I think that is a source of weakness for him because them guys probably spend much time oogling boobies and what not on their “smart” phone. He said a lot of the guys are cheating on their wives, and he hates that. He said this one guy told him he was a good guy and that I am lucky to have him. He says he goes to work, provides for us, come home…so SO what if he masturbates to other people…why should I care?
He said he wouldn’t care if I did so…we’re just very different I guess. It’s nice to feel cared for. He should appreciate my care/ultimate devotion I CHOOSE to give him. I would love to feel my man cared about me. How wonderful that would be. I would be the happiest girl in the world.
His neglect for me concerns me for many reasons, but one(and I’ve told him this over a year ago, he doesn’t seem to care(obviously)) was my heart still craves to be loved and showed attention by a man, and he’s not doing so, he keeps lying and using other women(even if only in his head/heart/groin,whatever), it’s making my longing for a man’s arms around me in a loving way stronger because I am going so long with out cuddles and affection. He accuses me of being asexual, but that just isn’t true. He only focuses on his needs, not mine. So it’s not like I’m itching to “be with him” because deep down I know he lies, I know he has mental sex with other women/girls all the time, so how can I open up to hi when I feel like just another body to him. I want intimacy and love attached. Not the repulsive things he tries to put on me that he saw in those videos. It’s so cheap. I hate it! I would never cheat on him, I would never do that to myself or my kids, but the void he leaves me with is not fair.
The choice to stick with your standards and what your “gut” is telling vs. just leaving him alone is a difficult choice. You are correct that he isn’t likely to change his mind unless he sees a reason to do so. Porn is so acceptable today that unless it is costing somebody something precious, most men think nothing of it. A man will always compare himself to those around him and come out on top.
I’ll be your husband would care if you started sexually chatting with men online. No, it isn’t “porn,” but it is effectually the same: both are ways to fantasize about other people from a distance, without getting physically involved with them. (The obvious differences is that there’s no chance of him hooking up with a porn star but with sexual chat you could always take it offline. This is a superficial difference, however, if you promise to only do it “every now and again” like he does with porn.) Perhaps if you decide to talk to him again you could liken his looking at porn with you chatting online with men. If he knows why you feel the way you do, perhaps he will think twice about his actions.
The fact is, you want to be close to your husband, you want to have great sex with him, and you want him to experience satisfaction in your arms. Perhaps if you approach your husband with this attitude, it will make him think again. We have a number of articles here about how porn robs a man of his sex drive and makes sex less pleasurable:
– Why Marital Sex is Better Than Porn
– Why Porn Hurts Marriages (and why marital sex is so much hotter than porn)
– 4 Ways Porn Kills Great Sex in Marriage
The author of these articles (Sam Black) has also written a free e-book for men called The Porn Circuit. It explains (from a non-religious perspective) why so many men are leaving their porn habits and taking their sex lives back. Perhaps your husband will consider reading these articles or this book. Maybe not. If you feel it is worth a shot, try it out.
I know the bible says otherwise, but as a man in the world today, do you think it is acceptable for a committed man/husband to use porn, only if “every blue moon” you know now and again? Kept under control and during times say when the wife is out of town or he just feels like it because it has been a month or so…
My partner tells me it’s none of my business. That feels wrong and disrespectful to me on so many levels. Can I give him privacy when he is “doing the deed”? I guess so, but it is my business if my “husband” is seeking sexual gratification outside of me. He always tells me it’s none of my business when I ask him, or he’ll just flat out lie…even when his used tissues(sorry to be graphic) are at the top of the trash bin.
Does this have to be all or nothing for the relationship to be genuine and honest? I’m really torn because I have been researching both sides. It bother me most that he lies about it, I think more than it does knowing he is actually imagining having sex with someone else. It’s not like he is actually cheating on me, but than again is he? It’s very confusing. It’s the lies that hurt the most, because as the man of the house my king, I feel like I can’t respect him or take his words as wisdom because to me he seems like a bunch of boloney.
It is confusing. You are right that there are (at least) two issues going on here: his lust and his lying.
On one hand, the lying is a sign that he feels some shame about the whole thing (he knows it puts a rift between himself and you). The best-case scenario would be that he stops lying and still feels remorse over failing you, but another sad alternative is that he stops lying and just flaunts his lust before you. I think you would agree that if he just brazenly blew threw you emotions and said, “Hi honey, I masturbated today in the bathroom. Just thought you’d like to know,” you would probably not feel any better about the situation.
Is it “okay” if he masturbates from time to time, lusting after other women? No. Don’t get me wrong, lowering your own standards could make life “easier” for you in certain regards. Many women have resigned to the fact that their men will look at porn and masturbate. They let their men do what they want. Their husbands can look at porn all they want and the women don’t have to be the “nagging wife.” Life, in some sense, would be easier for you.
However, you love your husband too much to let him do this to himself. You want to be his sexual satisfaction. You want to share a special bond with him. You want him to not lower his standards so that he demeans women and demeans sex. You also don’t want your husband to end up like so many other men who so condition their mind with porn that they get erectile dysfunction. You want your husband to be truly “manly” in the best sense of the word, and there’s nothing manly about sitting alone, playing with yourself while you watches movies of women who would never give you the time of day while your devoted wife sits in the next room.
Don’t get me wrong: the best way forward is not to be the “nagging wife,” but to talk to him about your desires for him as a man. You also need to decide how much more you are willing to take. It is vital you begin setting up some boundaries with him.
Thank you very much for your response and words of encouragement. I appreciate it. He tries to make me question myself, like their is something wrong with me? He will call me names and force me to think I’m sick or something. The inborn thing you noted…if that is true…makes me feel better. I thought it was something that was just primitive and instinctive. It’s everywhere. Even on TV in commercials, and even my children’s cartoons. Maybe I am being to paranoid, but it seems our culture definitely encourages that type of thing. It just feels wrong. Really wrong. Maybe you’re right..it is learned and and a loving man can put his primary focus on his lady. Not sure if I will get to keep my man, but I will pray to God to help him. I’ve been praying deeply over this for a while, I’ll keep doing so.
Kindest Regards…
You are correct: it is everywhere and heavily encouraged by our culture. We live in dark times and in a sexually confused culture.
I just suggested time apart, 2-3 months. He said he will think about it. I don’t like the label “trial separation” but I suppose that is what I am suggesting. I really don’t want to leave, but my misery in dealings with his lies and seeking sexual gratification outside of our union is making me very depressed. This kind of stress over a long period of time wouldn’t surprise me if it brought on cancer for some people. Does this sound reasonable to you? I mean, if he isn’t willing to tell the truth and he will continue to use porn and lie about it, than that justifies a reason to leave but it will force my daughters to grow up without their father. That makes me very very very sad. But how can I stay and be genuinely happy, when I can’t even trust him? What’s the point? I do not want my girls to think that is acceptable in a “marriage”. The time apart will allow us both clarity not only as a couple but as individuals. Maybe he will realize he’s been taking me for granted and want to make a change. Maybe he will enjoy his freedom without a lingering eye over his shoulder. Maybe I will start to feel better, improve my health, and get over the pain of losing my family. Or maybe I’ll think this porn thing isn’t so bad. IDK…
Separation for a period of time is, of course, an option. As you can imagine, it isn’t something advised except as a last resort. From the sounds of things you’ve been dealing with his lies, deceptions, and cheating heart for a long time now. The decision to separate is not an easy one to make, especially for someone like yourself who doesn’t just throw in the towel on relationships when things get a little rocky. You obviously want to try to keep things together, but when you can’t trust him, there is only so much you can do. You are putting up a boundary you think is best.
Are you doing the right thing? These things are never easy to decide. Your situation is obviously very messy, being with such a deceptive person. You are right to want to keep your relationship together, and it sounds like your separation is happening in order to help that to happen.
If you man abandons this relationship to pursue a life of porn, then you will know the direction you need to go. You can’t force him to choose you over porn (as sad as it is for a man to choose pixels on the screen over a flesh-and-blood woman who loves him).
No not really. I feel really alone. I am very passionate about my children. I want to be a good role-model for them. Of course the reality of divorce for a family is heartbreaking, but I have realized my daughters are not going to thank me 20 years from now for staying with their dad even though I was miserable. What will that really teach them? He has a daughter from someone else too she is 12, so there is usually a lot of tension in our family dynamic. I thought I may be able to give my children a better chance at life if I can be as peaceful and content as possible in my soul. The porn thing, really your lust as a man just hurts our feelings. You pretty much summed it up in your article, having a wife doesn’t take it away. It’s like we’re (women) damned if we do damned if we don’t. I have been struggling with this realization for years. I tried couples counseling, counseling for myself, self-help books, and soul-searching thinking something was wrong with me, but I realize it wasn’t all in my head. My husband to be really hurts my feelings, and disrespects me. Among other things, I tried genuinely to understand and become a better person as a result of his bad habits and my own. It’s difficult to evolve with my partner because he lies. I have been so kind at times and spoken to him softly and made him feel safe to tell the truth, I begged him to please be honest with me so I can understand and feel safe with him to continue in our relationship but he lies anyways I feel very repulsed by his betrayal. He just won’t tell me the truth. A woman’s intuition is powerful. He gets very upset with me for threatening to leave, oh well…it’s a very long story. I’ve spent years grieving this loss, I knew when I was pregnant with my first something was terribly wrong. I decided to live in denial or hope that he was telling me the truth but almost 3 years later and another baby, things haven’t changed that much. I don’t even think it is so much that he looks as it is he lies about it. Then again maybe it would be just as hurtful. IDK, what am I supposed to think when the porn I find is “young” girls, virgin stuff, and girls who are pretty much in a size A cup. I’m very confused, I just need to set myself free from that danger. I’m trying to please God and my higher self, but my partner doesn’t want to get to deep with things. His focus is on TV, movies, podcast, cartoons, comics…when he isn’t working 12 hr shifts. But then again he said him and the guys were looking at porn at work, a few days ago when me and the children were away I found a bunch under his youtube history. He lied about that to and said he did it at work, but I’m pretty sure he did it when he was laying in our bed at night alone. Thank you for allowing me to vent.
Thanks for venting, Marie. We’re happy to listen. I do want to shine a light of hope into your world, if I can. You said:
“Their is no cure, only repression…[T]ime is not on our side we will get older and your appetite for young girls will only become stronger…It’s like we’re (women) damned if we do, damned if we don’t.”
It is important to note that many men may be slaves to their passions, but they don’t have to be. God offers men power where they feel powerless. Many men I know strive to make their wives their standard of beauty (yes, their aging wives who look nothing like they did the day of their wedding). The appetite for younger and younger women is not something inborn in a man: it is something he has learned. Rest assured, he can “unlearn” it as well. Men can learn to be drawn to their wives above all other woman or image on the planet.
I recommend you find a good support system at this time, especially emotional support. You may want to look into finding a counselor in your local area, if for no other reason than just to make sure you are taking care of your own emotions on the matter.