I can remember very vividly what it was like to feel the pull of pornography. I can remember those long nights, exhausted but still alert, looking for my fix. I would drag out the ritual for hours: sometimes on the Internet, sometimes visiting adult video shops, sometimes engaging in phone sex.
I would have told you then I wanted to stop, but the very idea of stopping was terrifying to me. As a Christian, the conviction about my porn use haunted me. But the idea of completely removing porn from my world sounded like air being sucked out of the room: what would I be left with if I didn’t have this crutch to lean on?
Lies About God That Kept Me Trapped
There was a time when I had given myself over to the lie that looking at porn, no matter how hard I tried not to look, was an inevitability. For the first few years of this downward spiral, I was racked with guilt.
During the last couple years of it, I was too exhausted to feel guilt anymore: it was just a foreboding sense of hopelessness. There were times I had no faith that I would ever change.
If you would have asked me if I was doubting God’s ability to change me, I would have said no. After all, God can change anybody, but only if they “do their part,” right? Only those who muster up enough faith can call on God to do a miracle, right?
But I was believing a lie about God: a lie that said God can only change the willing. The fact is sin runs in our veins; none of us are willing. None of us can create faith within ourselves. It is a gift from God (Ephesians 2:8). I needed only to come to God with my empty hands, my weak faith, and my total helplessness and say, “I believe; help my unbelief” (Mark 9:24).
Lies About Sex That Kept Me Trapped
I was single at the time and had also bought into the lie that marriage and sexual intimacy were somehow basic rights that had been denied me. I believed sex was not only a desperate biological need, I believed sexual pleasure was, in a way, the goal of life: a promised land I had yet to enter.
Porn was my way of cheating the universe that had denied me; it was my tantrum at God.
Had my mind not been so clouded at the time, I would have been forced to admit marriage was no more a “right” than anything else in life: it is only by God’s undeserved mercy and patience that I have any blessings in my life at all. Had I been thinking straight I would have understood that sex was not a “need” at all (at least, not in the proper sense). It was I, not God, who had turned a normal sex drive into something “desperate.” It was I, not God, who had elevated sexual pleasure to a place it was never meant to occupy.
I say all of this not to be “down” on our God-given sex drive, but to put it in its proper place: for only when it is in its proper place that I can enjoy it without it enslaving me. Sex is good (very good, actually). Sexual pleasure is good. Marriage is good. It is even good to desire them.
But when I believe I “need” them, then God becomes a capricious Creator bent on placing people into impossible situations, demanding chastity but pushing us beyond the breaking point.
Knowing these simple truths—that sexual pleasure is a desire, not a need—then I am free to place it alongside other good desires and God’s commands and see it for what it is. I am free to repent of my warped and selfish version of sexual pleasure without fearing that I am denying or rejecting some essential part of me. And I am free to pray to God without anger in my heart for “making me this way.”
Lies About Marriage That Kept Me Trapped
I write this today as a married man. Getting married certainly did not cure me of my desire for porn. No, God had begun transforming my heart long before I ever met my wife, and even now, I still depend on Him to continue that transforming work.
Believing “marriage will fix me” kept me trapped because it meant as long as I was single I could settle for less than God’s standard.
I believed marriage would be the cure-all, my “in-house fix.” But the very nature of porn addiction exposes this lie, doesn’t it?
Marriage is about intimacy with one woman. But what I wanted in porn was the variety: it was never enough to lust after one woman. What kept the porn-viewing ritual going for hours was the high I got from thinking about “the next girl,” the next video clip, the next picture, believing there was always something better around the corner just waiting to be discovered. Often I would stop looking at porn and just “get the job done” not because I wanted to stop looking but because I was exhausted.
Sex in marriage is something good, something in keeping with God’s design, but what I wanted in porn was the sense of the “forbidden.” Marriage doesn’t cure a desire for porn because even in a sexually vibrant marriage, your wife is not forbidden. She is yours. The sinful, coveting heart that I had before marriage is the same sinful, coveting heart I have in marriage. So long as I am vulnerable to coveting, I am vulnerable to lust.
Sex in marriage is also a giving act, but what I wanted in porn was entirely self-centered. For me, porn fueled a lifelong fantasy to be desirable, and irresistible. While fantasizing or watching pornography, porn stars were not the focus of my attention: I was. The porn girls were more or less trophies of my fantasy: their “beauty,” their avidity, and their hysterically euphoric response to “me” was the whole point. Nothing about lust prepares someone to be a real lover.
For all these reasons, it should seem obvious to us: the pleasure of marital sex cannot quench lust any more than fresh-baked bread quenches my desire for cake. Lust is the function of a sinful heart—not just a “single” heart.
That said, there is something powerfully transforming about marriage…
Know How to Take a Wife
The apostle Paul writes,
“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from unchastity; that each one of you know how to take a wife for himself in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like heathen who do not know God; that no man transgress, and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we solemnly forewarned you. For God has not called us for uncleanness, but in holiness. Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-8, RSV)
When it comes to God’s sexual standards, Paul gives us the bottom line: we are called to be sanctified. This literally means we are to be consecrated or set apart to God, and thus set apart to His desires for our sexuality.
Paul believed this meant knowing “how to take a wife” in an honorable way. Paul is telling his readers to turn their attention to and learn what it means to acquire a wife in a way that is holy, in a way that shows we are set apart to God. It means showing “honor” to women and to the God who made them: giving them the dignity fitting of their worth as people created in the image of God.
- Reading this as a single man meant I was to repent of my life of fantasy that treated women like objects and instead set my mind to understanding what it meant to pursue, date (or “court” if you prefer), and marry a woman in an honorable way.
- Today as a married man, this means continuing to show the same honor to women, and to prize my wife as one created in God’s image and one I should willingly die for.
When a man sets his mind to this, whether single or married, it can have a powerful impact on his heart. It helps him to see and choose the beauty of self-giving love over the false beauty of fantasy. God has given to husbands the high calling of emulating a divine kind of love that can be described as nothing less than breathtaking: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). This was how Christ won his bride: He died for her. It is this kind of love-to-the-death, this self-giving love, we are meant to find so captivating.
Redeeming Intimacy
When I was knee-deep in porn every week, one of the motivators that kept me coming back again and again was my sincere desire for intimacy—but an intimacy without risks. I wanted to be close to others, but necessarily vulnerable. I wanted a real relationship, but I wanted to be in control. Porn gives us this illusion: we can feel “connected” but not have all the mess of a real relationship.
More than anything I needed to run to God as a Father who is sovereign over my relationships. Relationships are risky. Hearts can be broken. Emotions are messy. But God promises that everything we go through will work for good for those who love Him and are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). God can and will take all our relationships—even our failed ones—and use them to conform us to the image of his Son (v.29). Knowing this, we can pursue genuine intimacy with others in a godly manner, not run to the fake security digital sex.
When an attractive woman comes across a man’s field of vision and he feels that twinge of desire, that man can prayerfully confess:
“Lord, my eyes easily lead me astray. The sin in me wants to treat this person as an object that makes me feel special, significant, and attractive. Forgive me when I indulge my lust. But you, God have pointed me to a truer beauty. I turn my thoughts now to Christ who shows me what love and faithfulness really look like. Enlarge my heart and give me power to understand the love Christ has for me, even in my sinfulness. Let this immeasurable love pierce through my selfish desire to make everything—and everyone—revolve around me. I turn my heart now to my wife, the one you have given me. Inspire me to love her with the same kind of love.”
Dr. Tim Chester says it best: “A life-with-porn versus a life-without-porn is a poor choice. A life-with versus a life-without. If you set it up in these terms then you won’t produce lasting change. We need to set it up (as it truly is) as a choice between life-with-porn versus life-with-God. We need to show how God always offers more than porn.”
This realization is one of the most saddest truths of life. How naive I was when I first fell in love with my partner. I had no clue what was really happening. He later became the father of my children, and we are engaged to be married. He’s the only man in my life and I am so devoted to him, isn’t that what you guys want? I would never give my body to another. All I wanted was the family fantasy that we girls dream of. I wanted to grow old with my husband, as his presence, smell, and strong arms bring me great comfort. I have learned of this ugly truth with you males and your lustful appetites. It’s not really your fault tho, it just is what it is. Their is no cure, only repression…and what difference does it make. You will always break your wife’s heart because she knows deep down the truth of you, and time is not on our side we will get older and your appetite for young girls will only become stronger. I am so sad tho. I’m going to leave my home and husband to be, I will take our two daughters and start life anew away from the pain that men/porn,lust causes deep within my soul. It totally destroys a girls dreams. How empty I will feel without the father of my children around us all the time. I am scared of the future and what will happen when I and my girls get older. My husband will always want to have sex with the next best thing, young, fruitful, you know that thing that drives you guys wild. I am so terribly heart-broken, but I think I’ll be OK. I’m 29, I used to be the cat’s meow, all the guys liked me. Now my youth is slipping right thru me, and so is my husband to be. Nothing, not even the pure love I feel for my children can fill the void that has been left behind after my experience with the male species. At the end of it all…you’re just a beast.
Do you have some sort of support system to help you at this time? Family? Friends? A church?
Whether we are in porn or not, lust still rears its ugly head in all of us. The prayer at the end is good for all occasions.
I’ve been reading Freedom of the Will by Jonathan Edwards, and some of his thoughts are very convicting and insightful. For one, he argues that human nature is to always choose what we desire most in the moment of choice. Much like you note in the beginning of this post, we may truly want to honor God, yet we want our sin more. That perspective on desire and will helped me to wrestle against and overcome numerous sins in my life. The cure is not to fight against lust harder in my own strength, but to dive into God and his word. To know God is to love him, and the more we love him, the less attractive sin appears by contrast. This revolutionized the way I deal with temptations, and I hope it will help someone here.
That’s right, Brian. Edwards hits the nail on the head with this one.
I also happened to come across this summary of the pope’s teachings which will help many of you over come this problem. It hit it on the nail and explains why these things are wrong very perfectly:
“I Can Look, But Can’t Touch”
Furthermore, in one of his most profound points in this section, the Pope warns that one can use a person’s body even when that person is not physically present. A man, for example, does not need to see, hear, or touch a woman to exploit her body for his own sensuous pleasure. Through his memory and imagination, he “can make contact even with the ‘body’ of a person not physically present, experiencing the value of that body to the extent that it constitutes a ‘possible object of enjoyment'” (pp. 108-9).
John Paul II emphasizes that sensuality alone is not love. It can be “raw material” for the development of true love.
We live in a culture where many men say to themselves, “What’s wrong with having lustful thoughts about a woman? I’m not hurting anyone when I do that!” Even some married men may think, “I’m not committing adultery when I look at another woman this way. I’m still faithful to my wife. I can look; I just can’t touch.” However, we must remember Christ’s stern words about this matter: “Every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Mt. 5:28).
John Paul II’s insights help explain what is really happening when men look lustfully at women and why consenting to impure thoughts and sexual fantasies is always morally wrong and degrading to women. In the mind of a lustful man, the woman is reduced to the sexual value of her body. He treats her not as a person, but as a body to be exploited for his own pleasure in his glances and in his thoughts. And this can happen even when the woman is not around at all, for he can still make contact with her body to exploit her for his own sexual satisfaction in his memory and in his imagination. This is crass utilitarianism – a far cry from authentic love.
In summary, John Paul II emphasizes that sensuality alone is not love. It can be “raw material” for the development of true love. But this yearning for the sexual value of the body must be supplemented by other nobler elements of love, such as good will, friendship, virtue, total commitment, and self-giving love (themes to be discussed in subsequent articles). If sensuality is not carefully integrated with these higher elements of love, sensual desire will be harmful for a relationship. In fact, it can destroy love between a man and woman, and it can even prevent love from ever developing between a man and a woman.
Endnotes:
The Pope specifically discusses this topic of art and pornography later in Love and Responsibility. First, he says art may at times portray the sexual aspect of man and woman and their love for each other. “Art has a right and a duty, for the sake of realism, to reproduce the human body, and the love of man and woman, as they are in reality, to speak the whole truth about them. The human body is an authentic part of the truth about man, just as its sensual and sexual aspects are an authentic part of the truth about human love” (p. 192). The Pope goes on to say, however, that it would be wrong to portray the sexual values in a way that overshadows the true value of the person. And it would be wrong to portray the sexual aspect of a couple’s relationship in a way that obscures their authentic love for each other, which is much more than sexual. This is the problem with pornography: It draws attention to the sexual aspect of a man or woman in a way that prevents us from seeing the true value of the person and the full truth of love. “Pornography is a marked tendency to accentuate the sexual element with the object of inducing the reader or viewer to believe that the sexual values are the only real values of the person, and that love is nothing more than the experience of those values alone. This tendency is harmful, for it destroys the integral image of that important fragment of human reality, which is love between man and woman. For the truth about human love consists always in reproducing the interpersonal relationship, however large sexual values may loom in that relationship. Just as the truth about man is that he is a person, however conspicuous sexual values are in his or her physical appearance” (pp. 192-3).
My husband looks at porn and I really hate it. I don’t know how to get him to stop. I always tell him that is somebody’s daughter. That is somebody’s son. How would you feel if you looked at a porn movie one day and saw your daughter in it? That is one of the reasons why i think it is wrong.
I wouldn’t lie and say I have never looked at porn out of curiosity but I really try not to. Personally I find most porn so offensive. The women are just being treated as objects. In some videos the women even look like they are being raped. I swear they are being raped but it is sold as them acting.
I can see how it can be addictive for men. But if you feel like you need to hide it then why are you saying it is okay.
Another thing he looks at is this thing called “bum of the day”. Where you can look at different naked bottoms of anonymous women every day. I find this so repulsive. He sees nothing wrong with it. Now I can actually see him through the corner of my eye checking out the bottoms of every woman that we see in real life.
I told him the bible says lust after women is wrong. And he says ” Well I have been doing wrong for a long time then ”
Society is teaching men that it is okay to lust after other women as long as you have a hot shower. They are constantly telling men that looking at porn and masturbation is better than cheating so it is okay.
Doesn’t the bible and Jesus say that we are not just judged on our actions but our thoughts as well when we come to die?
I just don’t like it at all. It makes me sick. I tell him it is wrong all the time but I think he is still looking at it.
I think porn is also giving men a false perception of sex with a woman. Alot of men actually believe that sex is supposed to be like that. That if a woman refuses to do these things we see in porn videos she is selfish and something is wrong with her.
I personally think e.g that anal sex is wrong. It is so unnatural. Yet lots of people are saying it is okay between married people. A butt is not designed to stick things up it. The fact that you have to go through so much preparation and care to perform anal sex means that it is wrong. Again the husband is reducing his wife to a hole that he gets pleasure from. So many women in this world are subjecting themselves to degrading acts to keep a man so to speak. I don’t understand it.
Porn is making men into such selfish human beings.
E.g I often feel like my husband thinks that he has a right to sexual pleasure but I don’t.
If I tell him to stimulate me during sex he often gets tired or says he doesn’t know what to do and just gives up. But yet I must ache my hand for minutes trying to pleasure him.
I don’t know what is going on in this world but people are more and more becoming desensitized to what is wrong .
E.g Look at the music industry. People like Beyonce are calling themselves Christian and being put up on a pedestal for young people to worship. How can it be christian and right to get up on a stage dressed in a panty like outfit like that and open your crotch and gyrate to thousands of people. If Jesus was physically present in that crowd would she dance like that.
In this world too many people are separating their private self from their public self. It is wrong and sinful. They are saying they are just putting on an act. So is it okay to do wrong things as long as you just see it as an act that is separate from your private life. I am pretty sure that is what pedophiles, porn stars and rapists have been saying for centuries. Now everyday people are saying it too.
The devil is having alot of fun in this world.
This world is just going down hill more and more every day.
PORN IS WRONG. WE NEED TO JUST BANISH THE THING FOREVER.THAT IS SOMEBODY’S DAUGHTER AND OR SOMEBODY’S SON IN THOSE VIDEOS.WOULD YOU BE OKAY WITH YOUR DAUGHTER OR SON HAVING THAT AS A PROFESSION?????
WHY DO WE TEND TO PERCEIVE PEOPLE ON TV AND CELEBRITIES AS NOT BEING HUMAN . THEY ARE JUST LIKE THE REST OF US . They are not superhuman because they are rich and famous. They too will be judged when they die for their actions. We need to stop thinking that it is okay for them to do it as a profession but not okay for us to do it. We need to stop seperating life on tv and the media from real life.
If you wouldn’t do those things with Jesus present then don’t do them.
I appreciate your honest post. I am married to a loving Godly man x 9 years. We got married young ( 20/21) and I never knew my husband struggled with porn. He thought when we got married it would go away. 8 years later, through the confessions on many of his good friends from church, he decided to tell me his battle. As a wife, who has not personally struggled in that area, it was heart breaking, and still brings insecutiy, pain, thoughts, and doubt about his intentions, motives, and more. He has since really fought this battle and felt victorious many times, but just recently I found some on his phone when we were actually looking up lyrics to a worship song! The image burns in my head, and has re-surfaced the pain, and insecurity in my heart. I feel God allowed me to see this for a reason, and I know he was devastated as well. He has prayed God take away this stuggle, but I think its just a BIG thing and a constant work. I hope more men get out of the dark ( and women that struggle with porn) and seek accountability. When you are married, it definitely doesn’t just affect you! I try to outwardly be compassionate and forgiving to my husband, but that doesn’t mean I don’t hurt, and struggle inwardly.
Like all things in life, sanctification is a process. Very often someone in your husband’s shoes just wants God to take it away, but in His goodness, God has a much bigger vision than just your husband not looking at porn anymore. He actually want to teach your husband in the process. He’s far more interested the process of all your husband will learn along the way.
It is good that your husband has help in all of this. Have you found a support system for yourself?
thank you for posting this embarrassing statement of sinful human weakness. I found this by searching “please God tell me how to stop looking at porn ” anyones prayer would be aprecciated!.this brought me to tears which literally digging the hole to burry my grandfather did not. my prayers go to anyone else that needs help with lust. I know I do and have for many years, though did not realize it until recently. I thank God for your honesty and willingness to try and help the rest of us.
Thanks for your comment. I pray you find the freedom in Christ you are looking for. Here’s my prayer for you.
My husband is addicted to porn. I found out 5 months ago when I found it on his phone. At that time he told me he had to look at that in order to make love to me and that he wasn’t satisfied. He then told me he wanted out of the marriage, he loved me but not happy, even going to pastor we work for and telling him he wanted a divorce. I wanted to fight for the marriage. After I left town for family to give him time to pack, he called and said he didn’t want to lose me. He began counseling. It went ok for a time. Internet off for his phone and computer. A few weeks ago I got a call from a college student who I was a church leader to and she said he started communicating with her, gave her his phone number, and asked for hers. She didn’t know him and was worried for me. I made him return to pastor, who made him start Overcomers. 3 days later I saw on our online bank statement he rented a movie. Pg13, but one was had walked out on. He told me he returned it without watching. I then checked and found he had rented other movies before Overcomers. Last night I looked at history on my phone and found naked pics he just looked at Friday. For the first time, instead of getting upset, I told him what I found and went to bed. Then I felt I needed to go to him. He as watching sports. I went and laid my head on him and went to sleep after I told him I love him. When we came to bed, he told me he loved me and wanted to stop hurting me. I told him he needs to get free. What do I do? He was told to get an accountability partner but hasn’t yet. I will ask him to do this now. I don’t know if he is repentant but he doesn’t want to hurt me. 3 years of marriage and I thought he had low sex drive or my body was why I was being rejected. I was a full time minister when we met. I am now part time. His failures have affected my life. But I love him. He is younger than me. What do I do? He is going to his meetings once a week but doing nothing at home, no reading Word or prayer that I see.
Hi Patti,
Your story is devastating. Thank you for sharing some of it for us.
First, your husband’s porn use sound like its been going on a long time. The hook seems to be buried deep in him. He also shows signs of wanting to take this across the “flesh line” (tempting himself with real people). You are right not to trust him, but it is wonderful that you want to see this relationship redeemed.
You need to trust behavior, not just what he says. Talk is important, but it is still cheap. Going to Overcomers is a great start. This is important as long as he is being honest there. You should talk to him about other behaviors you need to see in him at home (and behaviors you don’t want to see). He needs to close all access points to porn. When I was really addicted to porn, I went into the shops were I rented porn and told the employees to put a block on my account, not allowing anyone (including me) to rent anything PG-13 or higher. I usually got weird looks, but I didn’t care. I needed to cut things off at the source.
Have you found support for yourself? Is there a group you could attend, a woman you could confide in? It is so important not to neglect yourself at this time. Here’s an idea: if there are no groups you can attend, find a good Christian friend you can meet with on a regular basis to talk about how you feel about your husband’s struggles. In addition, go through the True Betrayal video series together and talk about what you are learning (it’s totally free). This will give you something to talk about together based on God’s word.
Well guys…..I spoke to my wife today, and even included one friend and one other family member I trust. I explained to them that some things had happened to me when I was young that im seeing now is causing problems. I was honest and open with them, which was really hard because ive only recently started being honest with myself about it. But never the less I did it and now im having a lot of mixed feelings. I hope my wife doesn’t decide to leave me but I think her Christian values will keep that from happening. But I have started the healing process and am going to do everything in my power and with help from the people I have brought into it. Im looking for a good accountability partner and hope to have good news to share in the near future.. god bless you all for helping me see for myself that im not alone and it can be beatin
That’s wonderful, Shawn. It’s great that you’ve taken this step.
Never doubt the importance of the step you’ve taken. The results are ultimately up to God. Only He knows how your relationships will thrive or suffer through this. But being honest with yourself, with others, and with God is first step (a millionth step) that should never be skipped. Keep it up!
I know where each and every one of you are coming from..I have been using pornographic as an emotional crutch for many years now..it has taken till recently for me to realize that it was even a problem.. it is destroying my marriage and my very feelings for myself..I wish there was a way for me to express to my wife that its not “her” or anything she does or doesn’t do…..please help…lost and on the edge
The best way to convince your wife that it isn’t “about her” is to rid yourself of the porn. Yes, I know that’s the very problem you’re facing, and it is a problem I’ve faced myself. But the time has come to do whatever radical things you need to do to distance yourself from pornography. What are the gateways and access points? What radical steps can you take to put all of that away from you?
Do you have accountability and mentoring in your life? Do you have those you can talk to about this face to face? Someone who can mentor you and help you to get to the bottom of why you have such a thirst for porn? If not, now is the time to find that kind of relationship in your life. I recommend you download this free book to help get you started.
Your wife will likely need support for herself, someone she can talk to about how this has hurt her. Does she have any friends or mentors in her life? Has she sought out help?
Hey i need help ive been a porn addict since i was about twelve my older brother introduced me to porn. When i was younger i thought the same that a wife will help stop the addiction well it didnt of cours. anyways i was an athiest before i met my wife who is a long devoted christian but i never told her that i was addicted to porn. infact when we started dating she told me “if i ever catch you watching porn i will leave you” so i never told her and i still am battling this addiction we have been married for 6 years now and i dont know who i can trust or who to turn to about this i am very depressed and ashamed of this. please help i dont want to tell my wife it would just hurt her so badly, i dont want her to leave me her and God is all i have left in this world and i dont know what i would do if she is gone thanks and God bless
Hey Sam,
This can be a scary thing, for sure. You could really benefit from a friend who can become an accountability partner and counselor to you. Do you go to church anywhere? Are there any men (older, wiser men) who might serve as a good mentor to you? Face to face accountability is critical for finding your way out of this trap.
If you’re not sure how to have a good accountability conversation, I highly recommend you grab this free book (you can download it from our website). It takes you back to the Bible and helps you to understand how to have a beneficial accountability relationship. The book will help you to go deep and really get to the root of your addiction.
As for your wife, I do believe the best thing for you to do is tell her, but it might be helpful to find an accountability partner first who can talk you through this. It would be really helpful to rehearse with him this conversation beforehand. Will your wife leave you (like she promised)? I don’t know. But as a Christian, it is so important not to live a life of lies and deception. If you tell her, it will hurt (both you and her). She will likely feel betrayed. She will have a lot of forgiving to do. You will have to rebuild her trust. There are likely some lies she will start telling herself as a result: that everything in her marriage is a sham, that she wasn’t enough for you, that you can never be trusted again, etc. She will need time to work through all of these things, and it will be up to you to be as patient and understanding as possible, accepting the consequences of your actions, but trusting in God for the results.
I pray you find the accountability you need and that this conversation with your wife leads to a more honest marriage.