Doug Weiss, Ph.D., is a nationally known author, speaker, and licensed psychologist. He is the executive director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado, and the author of more than 40 books. For more information on his resources and services, stop by www.drdougweiss.com.
How do you stop watching porn? For some, pornography might seem like a harmless pastime, a not-too-serious guilty pleasure, or an embarrassing habit. But maybe you’re one of the many who have realized the devastating effects that porn has on your life and relationships. Maybe you feel trapped and like you can’t stop.
If you’re wondering how to quit, you’re not alone. Skim through the hundreds of comments below, and you’ll see. Quitting porn doesn’t have to be complicated, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Read on to learn the best way to stop porn for good.
Dr. Weiss’ 6 Essential Steps to Quit Porn
If you want to stop looking at porn, it takes intentional work, and I encourage you to familiarize yourself with these six steps:
Note from the editor: Since 2012, Dr. Weiss’ six essential steps for quitting porn have helped over a million people on their journey away from porn. We’ve had so many comments and follow-up questions on this article that we expanded on the original points to help you understand how to finally quit porn for good. Dr. Weiss’ original thoughts are included in each step.
Step 1: You need to want to stop watching porn.
“The first part to quitting porn is you really have to want to quit porn. You need to be sick and tired of porn and the sickness that it causes you in order to quit. If you are not committed, you will only be quitting until the next time you look. Deep inside you have to want to stop.” – Dr. Doug Weiss
Is your porn use really a problem?
If you feel like you’ve got porn under control and you can watch a little bit here and there without any problems, then chances are good that you don’t bother trying to quit. In fact, the most popular advice today will tell you that watching a little porn won’t hurt you. If that’s you, I recommend checking out these articles:
People who quit porn are people who recognized their need to change. For some of us, it takes a life-shaking event, such as getting caught by a spouse. For others, it’s simply the desire for something better than the emptiness of porn.
You’ve got to understand that it’s a long-term commitment and keep your reasons for quitting in front of you. You’ve got to really want it so you can go on to step 2.
Understand the benefits of quitting porn.
Try visualizing your life without porn:
Would your marriage be better?
If you’re single, would you feel more confident to pursue a relationship?
Would you find freedom from guilt and shame?
Would you free up wasted time to pursue your dreams?
Make a giant list of every possible way you will benefit from quitting porn, and then post your top 1-3 reasons somewhere you’ll see it every day. To help you get started, we wrote a blog post on creating a unique list of how you’ll benefit from living porn-free.
When we turn to porn, it’s not always because we like porn itself. Some addicts hate pornography. But we want what porn promises: comfort for our loneliness, pleasure for our eyes, sexual fulfillment, etc. Don’t believe the lies. Porn won’t deliver what it promises you.
Step 2: You need to be willing to quit porn in a different way.
“You have to be willing to do things you haven’t done before. Seriously, if you keep trying to quit porn the same way, you’re likely to fail again. To stop for good, you have to give up what you’ve been doing and do what you have to do.” – Dr. Doug Weiss
Identify and manage your porn triggers.
To quit porn, you need to quit whatever it is that triggers you to watch porn. What are your vulnerable moments? Is it a particular TV show? Is it having your laptop and mobile phone next to your bed? Perhaps it’s having a computer/device without accountability software on it. Ask the following questions (better yet, have a close friend or ally ask you):
What was I doing?
What was I thinking?
How was I feeling?
As you begin to find patterns in your temptation, you’ll need to create a game plan to navigate the vulnerable situations or avoid them altogether.
Step 3: You need to be brutally honest with someone.
“You have to tell someone else about your struggle and desire to get free. This person may be a male friend, your wife, a person of clergy, a life coach, or a 12-step group person. Somebody has to know the truth about your porn usage for you to get and stay free.” – Dr. Doug Weiss
Porn plays on the power of secrecy and shame to trap people. We feel shame and embarrassment, which make us fearful of reaching out for the help we need. One of the biggest lies of porn is that you’re better off hiding your struggle than admitting to failure.
Confess your problem to someone.
Maybe you’ve followed the breadcrumbs and learned to recognize some of your triggers. But, you will not be free from your struggle with porn until you open up about it.
Get counseling or therapy.
Seeking professional help may feel scary or shameful. But speaking to a qualified counselor or sex addiction therapist can change your life. An expert will understand the root causes of porn addiction and help you walk through the steps of recovery.
“Next, you have to do what I call “clean house.” You have to get rid of the porn you have. Throw away the discs, magazines, anything you have used as pornography, and make sure to dump and clean out your computer. This is just a start; you have to clean house regularly. ” – Dr. Doug Weiss
In addition to Dr. Weiss’ suggestions, you may want to run a malware scanner and cleaning program. Porn sites are notoriously riddled with malware and adware that can stay with your computer after you delete the porn files and stop going to the websites. Depending on the type of sites you visited in the past (particularly sites that offered free downloads), you may need to take it to a computer repair shop for a professional tune-up.
Get rid of other triggering content too.
If you want to stop, it makes sense to get rid of your porn. But, you also need to get rid of any other content or media that triggers your porn use or is just unhelpful in your porn recovery journey.
Remember, in Question 2, we talked about identifying your porn triggers. If you identified any media habits that often precede porn use, stop using that type of media—maybe it’s certain music, shows, or social media in general. Just get rid of it. If you want to quit porn, you need to be intentional about all the types of media you consume.
You need to be honest about what’s triggering for you and be sure to put it aside. You may want to involve your ally in the process to help you make tough decisions as well as to keep you on track. You should also cultivate some new habits to help you stay away from porn.
Step 5: You need to block porn from coming back in.
“The next step is you have to block entry points. This means have a porn blocker and accountability software like Covenant Eyes on your phone, computer at home, and at the office. If you have people sending you compromising emails, block them. Unsubscribe from porn websites. You may have to decide if credit cards are a problem. You know how porn is coming into your life. If you had a gun to your head you could block entry points in a minute.”
Some people will ask someone to hold on to a tempting smartphone or computer for a time until their porn habit is better under control or other protections are in place. As with Step 4, the key here is being honest with yourself and your allies about where porn is coming into your life and then doing whatever it takes to remove access to it.
Too extreme? Remember Steps 1 and 2: How badly do you want to quit, and how willing are you to try something new to keep making progress on the journey?
Step 6: You need a friend to hold you accountable.
On a difficult journey, the people alongside you can determine your success or failure. And, if you look back over the previous five steps, you can see that you really need accountability for each one to make it stick. Accountability is the glue that holds your plan together.
Remember Step 1? You often need accountability to remind you of your reasons for quitting porn in the first place. Step 2 is about trying something different, and accountability can show you where you’re falling back into the same old patterns that have kept you trapped in porn for so long. Admitting your failures to someone is step 3, which is a critical part of accountability.
If you attempt steps 4 and 5 on your own (get rid of all porn and block new porn from coming in), it’s easy to leave yourself loopholes. When you ask someone to keep you accountable, you’re asking them to help you lock down the loopholes that have always allowed you to slip back into porn.
Since most people access porn on their computers and smartphones, it’s essential to have an accountability app. Covenant Eyes Screen Accountability monitors your devices for porn and sends your partner a report of what you’re looking at on your devices.
Find an ally to keep you accountable for quitting porn.
A trusted friend or mentor can make a great ally. The resources below share helpful info on finding the right ally for you:
Samson Society (a great support group option for men who can’t find an ally in their immediate circle)
STRIVE. This 21-day porn recovery program for men features an online community.
What does accountability look like in quitting porn?
Having Covenant Eyes removes a lot of the ambiguity in your accountability relationship. When you have it on your devices, it removes the secrecy and helps you live honestly and openly with the people you trust the most. This is vital because secrecy and shame are powerful forces that can drive you back to porn.
It’s not enough to download an app. You need to connect regularly with your ally. Accountability often fails when people only meet sporadically. Dr. Weiss and many others advise daily check-ins, and this is especially important in the early stages of quitting porn. (Covenant Eyes Screen Accountability reports go out daily by default). Connecting with your ally could be as simple as replying to a Covenant Eyes report or following up with a text message.
“You have to decide that you are worth living porn free. I decided that almost 25 years ago and just passed a polygraph verifying my freedom. I believe you’re worth it but your behavior will show you if you are. Don’t believe your words. Believe only your behaviors; otherwise, you can be in denial as to your commitment to being porn-free.
One of the most effective tools I’ve found to quit porn is Covenant Eyes Screen Accountability™. It helps with four of these six essential steps. Not only can it block porn before it gets to you, it also provides a report of your device use to a trusted friend–forcing you to be brutally honest and making it easier than ever for you to have the open and honest relationship needed to beat your porn addiction.
Remember, you are not the only one being affected if you are married or want to be married. Your spouse is affected by your porn usage. Your children are being affected as well. They deserve your best. You decide. Do they get the porn-drunk you or the porn-free you? I recommend the porn-free you. It’s the better you.”
Hello,
I am 15 years old. I am suffering from a porn and masturbation problem and I have no one whom I trust to share this with. I am an Atheist and I could really Appreciate if someone would like to help me. Please I request you
Hi there. Well, finding help as an adolescent is always challenging because generally there’s a need for parental consent if you’re going to therapy or a group. Let me tell you how we generally work with behavioral change, and maybe we can brainstorm some ways to find you support in this.
The first step in making behavioral change is to STOP the BEHAVIOR. This is why drug addicts go to rehab. This is why accountability software like Covenant Eyes is so helpful.
So perhaps you could think about where you are accessing porn, and move to put some blocks in place. Ask your parents for help if you need to: “I don’t want to be exposed to porn, so could we install Covenant Eyes?”
Then think about the contexts where masturbation occurs, and move to put some blocks in place there as well. Change your routine. Do yoga at a time when you’d normally masturbate. Listen to music and dance. Watch a funny TV show. Call a friend and ask how their day is going. It takes time to create new habits, but if you can find some replacements that you genuinely enjoy, that will help.
The second step is to examine WHY the behavior has such a powerful hold. Masturbation provides a hit of dopamine to your brain, and that’s something your brain can come to crave. So I’d also ask myself questions like this: is there some specific pain I’m masking with porn and masturbation? Am I feeling lonely, abandoned, unloved? Is there a history of sexual abuse? If so, porn and masturbation can be a powerful distraction from the pain of those difficult feelings.
The thing I find is that sexual issues often carry a lot of shame with them, which makes recovery even more difficult: when we feel ashamed, we isolate, which creates even more pain, and that drives us back to the porn/masturbation cycle for relief. So, can think of one safe person who would listen and help you through this? Maybe a school counselor, an adult in your family, or a wise friend?
If you do have a history of sexual abuse, or some other painful events, then it would probably be helpful to see a therapist. Psychology Today has an extensive directory of counselors you could explore. Of course you would need to talk to your parents at that point! But it might be worth it, if you end up getting the support you need to help you through.
Thanks for being so brave and writing in! I hope that helps, and if you have more questions, please don’t hesitate to ask. Blessings to you, Kay
Aditya657
Okay… I will see if I can tell someone about this… I don’t think that it’s related to something it’s just I wasn’t in such a good company at school then I too started doing this and got addicted… I guess.. Thank you for your reply I will do my best
Meher Nigar
I’m addicted to porn and masturbation for 6 years.Now I’m 16 years old.I wanna control myself from this bad habit.Please help me . I think people who are like me can help each other. We can be friend.If you are troubled with same problem.You can knock me at Twitter.
I really want someone to help motivate me too, and who understands what it’s like. I’m 14 and I really need help, so plz reply 2 my comment if u wanna b friends!
Chris McKenna
Hello Anonymous, do you have a trusted mentor or someone you can talk to about your struggles? Keeping our struggles in the light is so important. Talking about it automatically causes the issue to have less control. Darkness cannot thrive in the open!
hi! an 18 an im a girl…i’ve been surfing porn from last 4/5yrs …
feel soo helpless..
this burning desire of watching and masturnating is killing me…
affecting my acadmics and i m scared will ruin my love lifee…
plsss hellp me.??????
i wanna b porn free
Hey there. Well, I’d say find a safe place and some safe people to support you in your process. You might try an online group at xxxChurch, or if you need more support, you might consider seeing a counselor. If you’re in college or university, free counseling services are often available on campus.
Make sure you are taking good care of yourself in every way you can: lots of exercise, healthy eating habits, getting outdoors, spending time with hobbies you enjoy, nurturing a healthy social life. Good self-care habits like that will help lower your general anxiety levels, which should have a positive impact on compulsive habits like porn.
Of course you can read articles like this one and try out the suggestions; you’ll find what works for you as you keep being persistent with the problem.
It takes a while to re-set your habits and you’ll probably fluctuate between doing well and failing as you work through the process of change. Remember that your habits aren’t you, and you always have the choice to make healthy choices. The more safe support you find for yourself, through groups and/or therapy, the easier it will be for you to make those good choices. You don’t have to do this all alone!
Blessings, Kay
Well wisher
Please get married and enjoy healthy sexual life
My
Take approprate schedul for days you stay safe and not, and record it in time table by using check mark.
Ayodeji
i am seriously addicted to masturbation for the past 4yrs, and it is seriously affecting my spiritual and academic life. anytime i think i have stop it, it comes back to me. pls guys i need ur advice, i want to re-brand my life for a better future.
Me too! If you or anyone wants to talk, plz plz plzzzz reach out and reply to this comment. I REALLY REALLY WANT TO QUIT THIS IS JUST HORRIBLE!
J
Thank you for the article. For me porn is a distraction from my anxiety, it actually doesn’t feel good at all. Nothing Is arousing with a drinking problem so I’ve decided to give up both because it’s going down unhealthy meaningless pathways. I will keep trying, I’ll get there :)
thanks for adressing my email,when i read the email of a lady whose husband left her and the children due to porn addition,i decide to seek help,cz i saw what extend tis can go,i will give you my progress after i read through the downloads.thanks for holding our hands through this battle.God bless
plz help am 25yrs and i have being into porn and mastubeting over the last 15yrs,i hv tried all knw but nw i think i knw tis is a big issue i need to handle but how plz help
First, understand that the steps you’ve made toward freedom are not in vain. Despite your failures, you are learning through the process, and the Lord is delighted with that.
Second, understand that the sinful cravings are to be expected in this life—even really intense moments of sinful desire. This is precisely what the apostle Paul says: the desires of the flesh are real and they are against the things God commands (Galatians 5:16), even in the life of a Christian. Every Christian, every person who has the Spirit of God, “groans inwardly” waiting for the day Jesus returns and redeems our bodies (Romans 8:23). One of the best things we can do in the midst of the struggle is learn how to direct our dark cravings towards God, turning them into an opportunity to “groan” for Christ, stirring up our hope for the change he brings. As we do this, over time the hope begins to gradually displace the our longings for sin.
Third, remember, this is how the virtue of self-control is learned. Self-control doesn’t mean the absence of sinful desire but the ability not to be mastered by it. God is delighted as you learn this virtue through trial and error because He has His sights set on the big picture.
Last, remember the Lord has marked out a path to real internal change in his Word. I encourage you to read this article all about how the apostle Paul describes victory over sinful desires, or listen to this podcast. Our book Your Brain on Porn could also be a real help to you—and its free to download!
addicted
My only trigger is when i lay down on my bed at night i just cant control myself from watching porn or masturbating
A big help could be to change your sleeping habits for several weeks. For instance, sleep in a new location that would make it more difficult to masturbate.
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if you really wanna talk.. I may not be the best but I’m willing to listen. so I will hear from you.
Hello,
I am 15 years old. I am suffering from a porn and masturbation problem and I have no one whom I trust to share this with. I am an Atheist and I could really Appreciate if someone would like to help me. Please I request you
Hi there. Well, finding help as an adolescent is always challenging because generally there’s a need for parental consent if you’re going to therapy or a group. Let me tell you how we generally work with behavioral change, and maybe we can brainstorm some ways to find you support in this.
The first step in making behavioral change is to STOP the BEHAVIOR. This is why drug addicts go to rehab. This is why accountability software like Covenant Eyes is so helpful.
So perhaps you could think about where you are accessing porn, and move to put some blocks in place. Ask your parents for help if you need to: “I don’t want to be exposed to porn, so could we install Covenant Eyes?”
Then think about the contexts where masturbation occurs, and move to put some blocks in place there as well. Change your routine. Do yoga at a time when you’d normally masturbate. Listen to music and dance. Watch a funny TV show. Call a friend and ask how their day is going. It takes time to create new habits, but if you can find some replacements that you genuinely enjoy, that will help.
The second step is to examine WHY the behavior has such a powerful hold. Masturbation provides a hit of dopamine to your brain, and that’s something your brain can come to crave. So I’d also ask myself questions like this: is there some specific pain I’m masking with porn and masturbation? Am I feeling lonely, abandoned, unloved? Is there a history of sexual abuse? If so, porn and masturbation can be a powerful distraction from the pain of those difficult feelings.
The thing I find is that sexual issues often carry a lot of shame with them, which makes recovery even more difficult: when we feel ashamed, we isolate, which creates even more pain, and that drives us back to the porn/masturbation cycle for relief. So, can think of one safe person who would listen and help you through this? Maybe a school counselor, an adult in your family, or a wise friend?
If you do have a history of sexual abuse, or some other painful events, then it would probably be helpful to see a therapist. Psychology Today has an extensive directory of counselors you could explore. Of course you would need to talk to your parents at that point! But it might be worth it, if you end up getting the support you need to help you through.
Thanks for being so brave and writing in! I hope that helps, and if you have more questions, please don’t hesitate to ask. Blessings to you, Kay
Okay… I will see if I can tell someone about this… I don’t think that it’s related to something it’s just I wasn’t in such a good company at school then I too started doing this and got addicted… I guess.. Thank you for your reply I will do my best
I’m addicted to porn and masturbation for 6 years.Now I’m 16 years old.I wanna control myself from this bad habit.Please help me . I think people who are like me can help each other. We can be friend.If you are troubled with same problem.You can knock me at Twitter.
I really want someone to help motivate me too, and who understands what it’s like. I’m 14 and I really need help, so plz reply 2 my comment if u wanna b friends!
Hello Anonymous, do you have a trusted mentor or someone you can talk to about your struggles? Keeping our struggles in the light is so important. Talking about it automatically causes the issue to have less control. Darkness cannot thrive in the open!
Peace, Chris
Covenant Eyes
hi! an 18 an im a girl…i’ve been surfing porn from last 4/5yrs …
feel soo helpless..
this burning desire of watching and masturnating is killing me…
affecting my acadmics and i m scared will ruin my love lifee…
plsss hellp me.??????
i wanna b porn free
Hey there. Well, I’d say find a safe place and some safe people to support you in your process. You might try an online group at xxxChurch, or if you need more support, you might consider seeing a counselor. If you’re in college or university, free counseling services are often available on campus.
Make sure you are taking good care of yourself in every way you can: lots of exercise, healthy eating habits, getting outdoors, spending time with hobbies you enjoy, nurturing a healthy social life. Good self-care habits like that will help lower your general anxiety levels, which should have a positive impact on compulsive habits like porn.
Of course you can read articles like this one and try out the suggestions; you’ll find what works for you as you keep being persistent with the problem.
It takes a while to re-set your habits and you’ll probably fluctuate between doing well and failing as you work through the process of change. Remember that your habits aren’t you, and you always have the choice to make healthy choices. The more safe support you find for yourself, through groups and/or therapy, the easier it will be for you to make those good choices. You don’t have to do this all alone!
Blessings, Kay
Please get married and enjoy healthy sexual life
Take approprate schedul for days you stay safe and not, and record it in time table by using check mark.
i am seriously addicted to masturbation for the past 4yrs, and it is seriously affecting my spiritual and academic life. anytime i think i have stop it, it comes back to me. pls guys i need ur advice, i want to re-brand my life for a better future.
I wanna let go this evil addiction. i really need help. ??????
Me too! If you or anyone wants to talk, plz plz plzzzz reach out and reply to this comment. I REALLY REALLY WANT TO QUIT THIS IS JUST HORRIBLE!
Thank you for the article. For me porn is a distraction from my anxiety, it actually doesn’t feel good at all. Nothing Is arousing with a drinking problem so I’ve decided to give up both because it’s going down unhealthy meaningless pathways. I will keep trying, I’ll get there :)
thanks for adressing my email,when i read the email of a lady whose husband left her and the children due to porn addition,i decide to seek help,cz i saw what extend tis can go,i will give you my progress after i read through the downloads.thanks for holding our hands through this battle.God bless
plz help am 25yrs and i have being into porn and mastubeting over the last 15yrs,i hv tried all knw but nw i think i knw tis is a big issue i need to handle but how plz help
Hi Benson. Thanks for your comment.
First, understand that the steps you’ve made toward freedom are not in vain. Despite your failures, you are learning through the process, and the Lord is delighted with that.
Second, understand that the sinful cravings are to be expected in this life—even really intense moments of sinful desire. This is precisely what the apostle Paul says: the desires of the flesh are real and they are against the things God commands (Galatians 5:16), even in the life of a Christian. Every Christian, every person who has the Spirit of God, “groans inwardly” waiting for the day Jesus returns and redeems our bodies (Romans 8:23). One of the best things we can do in the midst of the struggle is learn how to direct our dark cravings towards God, turning them into an opportunity to “groan” for Christ, stirring up our hope for the change he brings. As we do this, over time the hope begins to gradually displace the our longings for sin.
Third, remember, this is how the virtue of self-control is learned. Self-control doesn’t mean the absence of sinful desire but the ability not to be mastered by it. God is delighted as you learn this virtue through trial and error because He has His sights set on the big picture.
Last, remember the Lord has marked out a path to real internal change in his Word. I encourage you to read this article all about how the apostle Paul describes victory over sinful desires, or listen to this podcast. Our book Your Brain on Porn could also be a real help to you—and its free to download!
My only trigger is when i lay down on my bed at night i just cant control myself from watching porn or masturbating
A big help could be to change your sleeping habits for several weeks. For instance, sleep in a new location that would make it more difficult to masturbate.