A marriage strategy made popular by The Five Love Languages book and others like it is that if you love your spouse, they will love you back.
Many a client has walked into a marriage counselor’s office and asked what they can do to get their spouse to show them love. They’ve tried and tried to be a good husband or wife, but the reciprocation just isn’t there. The heartache and pain of this sort of rejection leaves a person raw, desperate, and unable to take much more. If only a marriage counselor could solve this riddle for them.
After seeing enough clients like this walk into their office, patterns begin to emerge: patterns in the way people are wired to give and receive love. Many times the unloving spouse isn’t actually unloving, their efforts to give love back just aren’t seen and/or the efforts to show them love never found their mark. After seeing these sorts of patterns hundreds of times, the experienced marriage counselor can diagnose that these two spouses just aren’t speaking one another’s love languages.
Through some assessments of what makes that person feel good, a love language is discovered and now the husband or wife has the magic key to unlock their mate’s heart. As long as they show love in that language (in the way the other person wants), their spouse will receive it and will show them love in return. Marriage crisis solved.
This type of strategy has helped many couples and it has sold lots of books, but there are foundational flaws to it that have set spouses back much further than when they began.
Flaw #1: Love Is Not Self-Seeking
What happens when the underlying premise of a marriage counseling strategy is to get your spouse to do for you what you want? What happens is we undermine the very definition of what love is, which is a catastrophic problem.
Trying to get my spouse to do what I want might seem innocent, but we’d agree it is the very definition of “self-seeking.”
The problem here is that 1 Corinthians 13:5 clearly tells us, love is not self-seeking.
Jesus then models sacrificial (the opposite of self-seeking) love for us and tells us to do likewise:
Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! (Romans 5:9-10)
But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? (Matthew 5:44, 46)
I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. (John 15:11-13)
The irony of modern marriage is we include these sorts of things in our marriage vows, that I will “love, honor and cherish you…for better or worse…’til death do us part,” yet the rubber hits the road what we really mean is, “I will only love you if you love me back.”
This is called kickback love, which according to the Bible, isn’t love at all.
Instead of diving deep into the gospel to allow our hearts to be transformed to love sacrificially, we run to a marriage counseling strategy that is meant to transform our spouse.
This is backwards.
Flaw #2: Connected to the Wrong Power Source
Is it easy to love someone who doesn’t love you back? Not at all. Especially when this person made a vow to you that they would indeed love you back.
This hits pretty close to home for God. On his wedding day with His people, they proclaim to him:
Then he took the Book of the Covenant and read it to the people. They responded, “We will do everything the LORD has said; we will obey.” (Exodus 24:7)
Centuries later, God even reminisces about this day:
This is what the LORD says: “‘I remember the devotion of your youth, how as a bride you loved me. (Jeremiah 2:1)
This reminiscing only prefaced the pain God felt toward his unfaithful and unloving bride:
Long ago you broke off your yoke and tore off your bonds; you said, ‘I will not serve you!’ Indeed, on every high hill and under every spreading tree you lay down as a prostitute. You are a swift she-camel running here and there, a wild donkey accustomed to the desert, sniffing the wind in her craving—in her heat who can restrain her? Any males that pursue her need not tire themselves; at mating time they will find her. (Jeremiah 2:20, 23-24)
God knows what it feels like to be unloved by a spouse. He knows your pain and he longs to hold you and comfort you. But more than just comfort you, God also modeled to us a path of freedom through the pain.
We are, after all, God’s spouse. The same rebellious and unfaithful spouse written about in Jeremiah is the one Jesus came and died for in Romans 5:9-10. The path of freedom to love an unloving spouse is the same one God himself traveled.
This path begins with taking our eyes off our spouse and on to Jesus as the power source for our love. The reason a “love language” strategy won’t sustain a marriage for the long haul is because it requires that we look to another human being as our motivator and source for love.
This is like plugging one end of an extension cord into its other end. What happens?
Nothing happens. You just have a dead wire.
For an extension cord to work and to be full of life, it must be plugged into a power outlet. This power outlet in your marriage is God’s unconditional love for you. It is knowing you are God’s child (Romans 8:14), an heir to his kingdom (Romans 8:17), beautifully and wonderfully made by him (Psalm 139:1-18), and that He is sovereign and knows what He’s doing (Romans 8:28, 31).
I’m not saying you shouldn’t go to marriage counseling or read marriage books, but you need to understand that they aren’t a silver bullet and the ultimate solution will not be found in these things. These often bring short-term solutions and sometimes will give you long lasting tools that can help your marriage, and sometimes they don’t help at all because your spouse simply isn’t going to change right now.
The key to finding the path of freedom in your marriage isn’t that God will change your spouse, it’s that God will change you. Not necessary to change you into a “better spouse” but to change your heart and perspective to find your sustenance in God’s love for you, not in your spouse’s love.
It’s removing marriage and your spouse as idols in your life and putting the person of God and the sufficiency of his love front and center as your life-source.
It’s removing the scoreboard that love languages create (“I’m doing my part, why isn’t my spouse doing theirs?”) and soaking in the grace and mercy of God; focusing on what he’s given us that we don’t deserve rather than feeling entitled to and idolizing the marital carrot on a stick that is always just out of reach.
It’s going to the Father, the way Jesus did (Matthew 3:17; Luke 23:46), to know He accepts us and approves of us (Colossians 1:22; Romans 8:4), when no one else in our lives is giving us that message.
Two beauties come from this divine power connection. One is that your spouse will be shown the supernatural love of Jesus in spite of how they are treating you. Even more profound than this though is that you, the extension cord, will be full of vibrant life at all times, regardless of how your spouse is treating you. How else could Jesus tell you that your joy will be complete when you lay down your life in love for another in John 15:11-13? These two things don’t seem to go together.
Laying down one’s life can only equate to complete joy when a power source is involved who transcends both the one giving and the one receiving.
No wonder so many of us are starved for a love that satisfies. We are looking for it everywhere except from the Source itself.
Hello… is this article in Spanish please? Thank you for your help, I work with Latin American couples and would love to reference this article in Spanish if possible!
Hi David!
Although we don’t have this article directly available in Spanish, you can use Google Translate to reference it in Spanish!
I hope this helps.
Moriah
I have been with my husband 15 years and married 6 years to him. He is a God fearing man. We had a wonderful life and connected as one. About 4 years ago, I had to get a hysterectomy. It was highly advised by my doctor. My husband and I had agreed to have the surgery. Well since the hysterectomy and menopause setting in, my marriage did a complete turnaround for the pit. I did not realize that the side effects of irritability, lack of interest in sex, depression, just to mention a few, was slowly creeping in. I could not receive HRT because of cancer in my family. My husband started to feel unloved and unwanted. I did not realize I used him away. He told me that he loved me but wasn’t in love with me. Just recently, I found out he was having an affair. I have been so hurt and I told him that I could hate him but God put it on my heart to forgive him and fight for my marriage. Since that day, I have been doing what I can to show him that this woke me up to be the wife I’m supposed to be. He told me that his heart is calloused. I have been fighting to save my marriage. I do what I can to show him my love. We went to counseling and I don’t know if he’ll do the commitment. I have cried every day to find a way to teach him. I have been seeking Christ to change and heal me. Meanwhile, I live in the house alone. He thinks, should we divorce, I am to walk away without nothing. I told him that I pray that we can save our marriage because if it should continue then I would fight for what is rightfully mine.
I love my husband and want to fight for my marriage. I have faith that God is working it out.
So I am to give up on ever being a priority in my husbands life? I should give up on my dream of him ever putting my happiness before his? I should give up on wanting to come before his work and work buddies that he will drop everything for and leave me with all the responsibility? I do so much for our marriage, I pray for him throughout the day, I listen to Christian podcasts and videos to help me be the best wife I can be, I enthusiastically enjoy our sex life, I always show him respect and honor, I participate in activities he enjoys, I do my best to keep the house relatively clean with a full-time job. We’ve been married 35 years and experienced the drift apart, I gave up on trying about 3 or 4 years ago. I thought you do your thing, because you will anyway, and I’ll do my thing. We just shared the same house. Our sex life became almost non existant because he did nothing for me, I emotionally shut down as a way to protect my heart because the pain was so great. He experienced an emotional connection with a female coworker. When I found out I was devastated – he was so defensive about the relationship. Then I stumbled upon his porn use on our iPad that I thought was broken. I experienced such a deep depression and anxiety. I lost 57 pounds in 3 months, I barely slept, I cried everyday pleading with God to heal my marriage. I believe God allowed me to go through that to get my priorities right. God first, husband second, family third, my job was down the list a few. I promised God I would make Him my first priority and me sweet husband second. My husband was eventually very remorseful for how he treated me as was I for how I treated him. We vowed to not let our marriage get to that place ever again. We have software on all our electronics that alerts each other if we go to questionable sites or search questionable content, etc. I have been going to christian counseling for 10 months. It has been a year since it began and he is back to his loyalty being to his work and friends. My heart is breaking but I will continue to love him and put his happiness before mine because that’s what I’m called to do. I guess I’m grieving for my dream that he would love me unconditionally. I’m grieving for the lost security that he will always be there for me if I need him. I’m grieving that I won’t have the non-sexual physical touches and hugs. I’m grieving that I am feeling such loneliness again. But I will not beg for the things I desire, that just makes me pathetic and him angry. God, I wish I could physically feel your arms around me.
Hi Misti,
You matter. You count. You are worthy of the vows that your husband made to you. There is far more to a marriage relationship than “not looking at porn.”
Unfortunately, many times I hear this exact story: the wife is the one in therapy while the husband continues either to “struggle with porn” or other behaviors such as addiction to work, ministry, sports, etc., rather than engage in his own emotional work so that he can be truly engaged in the relationship. Here’s a Facebook Live conversation we did a while back that talks about this.
You are deserving of a real marriage with a real partner who is really committed and engaged. Here’s a good article entitled A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce. I hope that’s a helpful, hopeful resource.
I think you might also be pleased with the online resources at Bloom for Women, where you can find great support from a trauma informed perspective.
I don’t think you are required to put his happiness above your own. I think you are equally important, and I think your life should reflect that value.
Peace to you,
Kay
My wife is not willing to give our marriage another chance. We had major issues before. My behavior, outburst, dismissive ness led to her infidelity. We worked through that but things went back to the old ways with me a few months later. Now she is convinced that things will never be better permanently and doesn’t want to waste time trying. In hindsight, my goals of reconciliation the last time was incorrectly focused on getting her back instead of strengthening my relationship with God. Asking her for another chance is futile so I am making amends with God and asking him to sort it out for her. That is all I can do.
My husband and I have been married for 11 years. For the entirety of our marriage, until last year, he was using porn. We had a sexless marriage-We has sex maybe 20 times in our 10 years of marriage (thankfully we have four children from this, but it doesn’t make it okay). I’d initiate and bring up my concerns and ask what was going on and he’d hide the truth and usually just say he was too tired, too stressed or not feeling well. After we had our first two kids, my weight became his excuse. I definitely gained more than I should have but with huge effort, I all but starved myself and ran myself into the ground to lose the weight. Fast forward to more issues and more excuses. When he finally admitted to his problem after seeking counsel, he admitted that I didn’t fit with what he’s attracted to. My husband is handsome, well liked and very successful. I’m pretty average. I chose to stay home with our children instead of grad school and so I do rely on his income. I’ve supported his career, followed him all over the world and have even raised our children on my own when he’s away for extended periods of time (12 months, 8 months, 5 months, etc). He’s no longer looking at porn but his desires don’t seem to have changed. He’s cruel in his quickness to get annoyed and irritated with me. He doesn’t like to talk-he never really has-and he usually keeps pretty busy with work. I’m alone and away from family. I’m home all day with our children and my husband doesn’t really notice any of it. Maybe I’m wrong, but I feel like maybe I could handle it if he liked being around me and liked talking with me, or maybe I wouldn’t mind him not talking to me if he showed any sort of intimacy or affection. But I get neither. I don’t want to find someone else, but I also don’t know how much more I can take. I’d rather be alone and choosing to be lonely, than to be lonely because my husband doesn’t love me. Every day is a full time job of carefully choosing what I say when I say it. I only bring up the things I’m sure he’ll be interested in, and even then, it’s 50/50. I try to just find the good in even the smallest things, like him leaving coffee in the pot for me or waking up with the baby. But, I’m lonely. I feel so unloved and unwanted. I have flaws for sure, but I really do try. I’m faithful and I work hard at our marriage. I seek counsel, I read books, I search websites, I take medication, I try to communicate and I pray. I just don’t understand how I could do everything right and still be left so alone and unloved.
Hi Sue.
Your pain just breaks my heart. It sounds like your husband fits into the classic “dry drunk” model: maybe he’s no longer using porn, but he hasn’t dealt with the real underlying issues, so you still can’t have a healthy relationship.
While he doesn’t use porn, he has a lot of other damaging behaviors, which you are still trying to manage by your placating and egg-shell-walking behaviors, so the dynamics of an unhealthy relationship are still in place.
This is a tough reality: “not using porn” is a pretty low bar, and it’s not a basis for true relationship.
The basis for a true relationship is emotional trust, and Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that the basis for emotional trust is the ability of each partner to “turn toward” their partner, to care how the other person feels, to provide support and empathy, to connect rather than turn away or–worst of all–turn against. Here’s a short video clip of Dr. Gottman talking about this dynamic. And here is a little video of what Dr. Gottman calls “The Four Horsemen” of relationship apocalypse: when these things are present, after a long history of turning away/against, the relationship is in serious trouble.
I think the problem you’re experiencing here is that your husband is either unable or uninterested in turning toward you. It sounds to me like you are doing all the relationship work, and you have been for the history of this relationship. That’s a tough, sobering reality to face. I think you know that this is not really about porn any more. It’s really never been about that. It’s been about whether or not he has the ability or desire to do the work of a real relationship. Porn was a thing he could substitute for relationship and now he just has other substitutes. Can he or will he change that pattern? This is the big question.
Here’s an article you might find helpful: A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce.
Peace to you,
Kay
Sue, your story is a blueprint of mine! With the difference I don’t know if we looks a t porn, but he does get into chat rooms and have had a few emotional affairs. I share your pain I pray that God gives us wisdom, courage and strength to know and do what is the right think to do. Our children also suffer because they can realised what’s happening. I pray for us Sue, May God almighty touches their hearts and bro g them to life.
Hi..My problem is my husband has requested a divorce but for the sake of the kids we decided to stay together and have an emotional divorce…We ko longer share a bed and are not intimate anymore…I’m praying to God for a restoration…how do we continue be amicable towards one another because we are both believers and we dont want to commit adultery but we are sexually frustrated so it makes us irritable…How do we hold on whilst praying for God to restore us.
Hi Norma,
You’re in a difficult situation, for sure. It sounds to me like you and your husband may have conflicting goals: he wants a divorce, you want restoration. It sounds like you agreed to something you didn’t really want, and it sounds like it’s more of a sexual divorce than an emotional one on your side, anyway. You would probably benefit from finding a therapist who can help you sort through this difficult situation, accepting his choices while making your own healthy choices as well.
Peace,
Kay
I am so glad I found this article where finally someone recognized and is speaking the Truth. I already thought that I am the wheel that’s turning backwards.
While going through lots of suffering and heartache I came to realize the destructive heresy behind this and other “expert’s” books like “The five love languages”. With lots of good will, at best, the book may help in recognizing flaws and teach someone how to live with their spouse according to knowledge and communicate what they already have – knowledge of God’s true character/nature and that God is the only source of contentment, and that marriage is His institution intended for a male and a female to go through the life-long process of sanctification under an undissolvable covenant providing the platform/rules of engagement that are necessary to establish accountability, and for God to run His tests without defiling/breaking the subjects, their race/good fight ultimately resulting in true happiness and contentment in life as they fulfill God’s purpose.
People who enter marriage in order to satisfy their own needs and in hopes to find happiness are ultimately going to get disappointed, because God – being the source of happiness – put one man and one wife together in marriage to share the happiness deriving from their already existing individual relationship with Him with each other, and to become the channel of His blessings to each other.
God’s purpose is not behavior modification but heart transformation.
The five love languages and books alike are nothing but religious teachings according to the basic principals of this world which have nothing to do with what God’s Word teaches about life and marriage according to the sound doctrine of Jesus Christ. /Colossians 2:6-10/
The biggest problem most marriages face is unforgiveness deriving from the selfishness of the uncrucified flesh. /Galatians 5:16-26/
When people get married they’re entering God’s covenant institution in the state of imperfection with the purpose of getting perfected as they go, not the other way around, which requires them to fulfill the Royal law of Jesus Christ – “Love God and love your neighbor as yourself.”
People who refuse to forgive 7×70 times a day doom themselves to failure and suffering until they repent.
Most grief/depression people experience comes from their unwillingness to forgive, which Jesus was clear about – will result in God not forgiving them their sins, and when they get violent to force their will upon each other instead of repenting, He will hand them over to the torturer until they do, which feeling unrepentant people then blame others for so they begin to stall, falling down with terminal velocity until they decide to repent.
Marriage is not a contract which stands as long as contractual agreements are fulfilled – it’s a covenant by and between God and each other, which according to Jesus – cannot be broken without fatal consequences.
If either spouse decides to shake off God’s beautiful, light yoke and divorce for any reason other than martial unfaithfulness /and even then they are to forgive if there’s remorse/ that divorcing spouse is stepping out from under God’s covenant, thereby making him/herself subject to condemnation until they repent and return. Those who claim they can divorce without eternal consequences only fool themselves – God’s Word is not subject to negotiation. God said what he said out of His perfect and loving good nature. God will never change – we have to!
Spouses in marital trouble need to realize and acknowledge that – Jesus is the only way into God’s Kingdom – which means they are to crucify their fleshly drives, forgive, and lay down their lives for each other until they are being perfectly knit together in and by God’s love and become completely one flesh.
You may hurt for a very long time until your spouse realizes his/her error, but until then you are to love as the risen Lord, Jesus Christ did and died for His Church. You can’t even change yourself, much less your spouse. You are not responsible for your spouse’s decisions only to love him/her no matter what and seek comfort in Jesus Christ who is able to save.
Also – sex is not the purpose of marriage – Love is…Read 1Corinthians 7 to the end, especially verse 29 onwards and Mark 10:2-12, 1Corinthians 6:9, Revelations 22:15
My faith does not fix people, only helps me to love myself and others when I am being oppressed. My marriage is slowly killing me, and I am afraid. Jesus did not die on the cross for me to slowly die because of constant criticism and rejection by my spouse. I am living in a black hole and the guilt of divorce keeps me there regardless of how I am being treated…
Is this what God wants my life to be like… I think not.
Pamela,
I can only imagine the hurt and despair you are feeling at this time. It can be difficult to trust God during trials, but I have found that even in my most difficult times of life, God is still there. He is there for me, a sinner! If you are feeling like your life is not worth living, please call the National Suicide Prevention Line: 1-800-273-8255. Life can be incredibly difficult and scary, but it is SO worth living. Living for Christ is my greatest joy, and I pray that it will be yours as well.
I am praying for you!
Moriah
I am definitely feeling your pain. My husband just randomly stopped talking to me and treating me like crap emotionally and mentally. He cheated last year and I put our marriage and family over my feelings and pushed on. We seemed okay. Well after this silent game we played for weeks I kept asking what was wrong. He began talking about situations from years ago when I was going through postpartum and depression. I never mistreated him just couldn’t be my normal “superwoman” self. I read that he is going through a midlife crisis but I don’t think my heart and mind can deal with all of this!
Hi Donna,
I am so, so sorry for the pain you’ve already pushed through, and the ways that you’ve suffered for his choices. I would encourage you to find a therapist, just for you, someone who can help you process through these emotions and help set healthy boundaries in place. (here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries.) You’ll also appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women that are trauma-informed for women suffering marriage betrayal.
I want you to know that you are not responsible for your husband’s bad choices. You are not required to stay in a marriage when your husband has broken his vows. It sounds like rather than taking responsibility for his choices and doing the work of relationship repair, your husband is trying to blame you for what he has done, which is a form of gaslighting and emotional abuse.
Let me be a voice telling you that You are not required to be abused in any way: physically, sexually, emotionally, spiritually, verbally, financially. Whatever he chooses to do, you can be healthy and whole.
Peace to you,
Kay
Thanks Kay,
I agree he could have taken other roads to fix what he was feeling. He said he was scared of me, leaving him and taken the kids. He said he miss feeling love and In loved, he needed someone to make him feel special and wanted, handsome unique… I was being a wife! Perhaps to much of a wife and I must confess romance was not in my mind. Some days I was angry, hurt and resentful and I will come out as a rejection when he wanted to get close to me… I don’t feel guilty for why he did but maybe a bit for how I made him feel. I don’t want to divorce him or even separate from him. I love him and love my family as a unity. I am struggling to have faith and follow God word that he loves me and only God can make me feel loved. I do have a huge gap in my heart… I miss his affection and interest. I am now in a position where is me who looks for him. He said the tables have turned! :-(
I am overly saturating myself with talk, podcast, bible readings, YouTube videos on how to love myself and make others love me and see me.
He is a good man inside, he loves his kids and try to live each day as it comes. He cares for me, like some sine special, but not with the passion he once had. (I think). My faith stumbles and just wonder what my purpose in this marriage is. I am supposed to help him, is he my job in this earth to bring him to closer to God to make him see things differently?
How can I rescue him? How can I hear God and his will for my life? I hate lo live not knowing where I am going… I feel my faith is weak and I am impatient to see some change or at least a glimpse that there is a little hope for us…
The problem is, you can’t rescue him. God has given him free will. God won’t override your husband’s choices, and neither can you. He has to become invested in his own work. You can only be responsible for you. You can definitely work on loving yourself, but it’s impossible to make others love and see you: those are things only they can do. There’s no amount of “faith” that will force other people to do things if they aren’t invested in doing them.
It is hard not to have guarantees for specific outcomes, I know. But whatever he chooses, you can choose to be healthy.
Peace to you,
Kay
My story kind of fit in both ends. I have been with my husband for 20 years, three years after my oldest son was born he was unfaithful. He said he didn’t out of ángel because I didn’t show him love and was rough and rejected him. We continue to be together trying to make things work, he was defenderlo trying to fix it and show me he was sorry, but I grew in resentment sadness and lack of trust. He had another son a year later. I thought thing were going well, just to find out a few years later he was going online and meet a much younger girl who he kept chatting for months. When I found out and confronted Him he said the same thing, that he felt unloved and rejected. I must admit I was hurt and angry. I was expecting g more attention and love perhaps in a different way he was giving it to me. I was blind and resentful, I also was distant. Some how I wanted to make him feel guilty and hurt as I was. Then I got pregnant again with my youngest bi, now three. In June I found out he was in another relationship with a 19 year old girl he meet in a chat room! I broke my heart niece again! I panic! I didn’t want to lose him. I changed and became the woman he wanted, loving, affectionate…etc… he couldn’t stop talking to her, he created a parallel life with her, knowing it was imposible. She was not only 30 years younger she is indian and has an arranged marriages already in place. But I feel it changed his heart, he didn’t wNt to try to win my love back anymore, now that I want to give il all to him because I was just holding back, thinking he didn’t deserve my love. Now he said he stop the relationship, but is too late for us. He said he loves me but die t feel the same for me, is not as affectionate. He said he stayed because of the kids and because he can’t imagine a life without me, but he doent mind being alone…
know I am on the other seat! He said! I am chasing his love and he doesn’t feel it… we are still together. Live in peace. He is a good man. But I feel broken and frustrated that his heart is not into me as he said he was… he didn’t reject me but didn’t try to be close to me either. I know I hurt him in the past… and I wonder if God is punishing me? I love him? I understand live unconditionally. But my faith stumbles when I feel unloved. Will be Gods will that my family breaks? I couldn’t hurt my children by separating them from his father, all I ask God is to touch his heart, he said he feel nothing… we go to church as a family every Sunday and sometimes pray… our kids do put a lot of pressure on both. Not sure what to do… I know u have to turn to God and make him the centre of my thought and my life, but I find it hard to know I am not in his heart anymore… I desperately look for Gods confort and words but it only helps me temporarily… my heart physically hurts… what is Gods plan for me and my family? I am terrified of a life but n divorce or so bland without love…
Hey there.
First of all, if your husband was unhappy in your marriage, he had many other choices besides getting into relationships with other women. He could have talked to you about it, he could have set up marraige counseling for the two of you. He was not required to go out and get into relationships with other women. That was his choice. When he blames his choices on you, that becomes a form of emotional abuse called gaslighting. Here is a video on gaslighting.
Second, when you’re trying to become the person he claims he needs in order to stop the behavior he chose but blames on you, and he withholds affection from you, so that you can never succeed in “loving him enough” so that he can be a good husband… well, that’s just another form of emotional abuse.
Third, God is not punishing you. God is not emotionally abusive, God does not withhold love from you, God is not punishing you. Your husband, yes. He punishes you because he is emotionally abusive. But not God.
God’s plans are not to harm you. God’s plans are for your good, for your safety–emotional and physical. Here is an article that might be helpful: A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce. God does not intend for marriage to be a trap that causes harm and abuse to women.
Peace,
Kay