A marriage strategy made popular by The Five Love Languages book and others like it is that if you love your spouse, they will love you back.
Many a client has walked into a marriage counselor’s office and asked what they can do to get their spouse to show them love. They’ve tried and tried to be a good husband or wife, but the reciprocation just isn’t there. The heartache and pain of this sort of rejection leaves a person raw, desperate, and unable to take much more. If only a marriage counselor could solve this riddle for them.
After seeing enough clients like this walk into their office, patterns begin to emerge: patterns in the way people are wired to give and receive love. Many times the unloving spouse isn’t actually unloving, their efforts to give love back just aren’t seen and/or the efforts to show them love never found their mark. After seeing these sorts of patterns hundreds of times, the experienced marriage counselor can diagnose that these two spouses just aren’t speaking one another’s love languages.
Through some assessments of what makes that person feel good, a love language is discovered and now the husband or wife has the magic key to unlock their mate’s heart. As long as they show love in that language (in the way the other person wants), their spouse will receive it and will show them love in return. Marriage crisis solved.
This type of strategy has helped many couples and it has sold lots of books, but there are foundational flaws to it that have set spouses back much further than when they began.
Flaw #1: Love Is Not Self-Seeking
What happens when the underlying premise of a marriage counseling strategy is to get your spouse to do for you what you want? What happens is we undermine the very definition of what love is, which is a catastrophic problem.
Trying to get my spouse to do what I want might seem innocent, but we’d agree it is the very definition of “self-seeking.”
The problem here is that 1 Corinthians 13:5 clearly tells us, love is not self-seeking.
Jesus then models sacrificial (the opposite of self-seeking) love for us and tells us to do likewise:
Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! (Romans 5:9-10)
But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? (Matthew 5:44, 46)
I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. (John 15:11-13)
The irony of modern marriage is we include these sorts of things in our marriage vows, that I will “love, honor and cherish you…for better or worse…’til death do us part,” yet the rubber hits the road what we really mean is, “I will only love you if you love me back.”
This is called kickback love, which according to the Bible, isn’t love at all.
Instead of diving deep into the gospel to allow our hearts to be transformed to love sacrificially, we run to a marriage counseling strategy that is meant to transform our spouse.
This is backwards.
Flaw #2: Connected to the Wrong Power Source
Is it easy to love someone who doesn’t love you back? Not at all. Especially when this person made a vow to you that they would indeed love you back.
This hits pretty close to home for God. On his wedding day with His people, they proclaim to him:
Then he took the Book of the Covenant and read it to the people. They responded, “We will do everything the LORD has said; we will obey.” (Exodus 24:7)
Centuries later, God even reminisces about this day:
This is what the LORD says: “‘I remember the devotion of your youth, how as a bride you loved me. (Jeremiah 2:1)
This reminiscing only prefaced the pain God felt toward his unfaithful and unloving bride:
Long ago you broke off your yoke and tore off your bonds; you said, ‘I will not serve you!’ Indeed, on every high hill and under every spreading tree you lay down as a prostitute. You are a swift she-camel running here and there, a wild donkey accustomed to the desert, sniffing the wind in her craving—in her heat who can restrain her? Any males that pursue her need not tire themselves; at mating time they will find her. (Jeremiah 2:20, 23-24)
God knows what it feels like to be unloved by a spouse. He knows your pain and he longs to hold you and comfort you. But more than just comfort you, God also modeled to us a path of freedom through the pain.
We are, after all, God’s spouse. The same rebellious and unfaithful spouse written about in Jeremiah is the one Jesus came and died for in Romans 5:9-10. The path of freedom to love an unloving spouse is the same one God himself traveled.
This path begins with taking our eyes off our spouse and on to Jesus as the power source for our love. The reason a “love language” strategy won’t sustain a marriage for the long haul is because it requires that we look to another human being as our motivator and source for love.
This is like plugging one end of an extension cord into its other end. What happens?
Nothing happens. You just have a dead wire.
For an extension cord to work and to be full of life, it must be plugged into a power outlet. This power outlet in your marriage is God’s unconditional love for you. It is knowing you are God’s child (Romans 8:14), an heir to his kingdom (Romans 8:17), beautifully and wonderfully made by him (Psalm 139:1-18), and that He is sovereign and knows what He’s doing (Romans 8:28, 31).
I’m not saying you shouldn’t go to marriage counseling or read marriage books, but you need to understand that they aren’t a silver bullet and the ultimate solution will not be found in these things. These often bring short-term solutions and sometimes will give you long lasting tools that can help your marriage, and sometimes they don’t help at all because your spouse simply isn’t going to change right now.
The key to finding the path of freedom in your marriage isn’t that God will change your spouse, it’s that God will change you. Not necessary to change you into a “better spouse” but to change your heart and perspective to find your sustenance in God’s love for you, not in your spouse’s love.
It’s removing marriage and your spouse as idols in your life and putting the person of God and the sufficiency of his love front and center as your life-source.
It’s removing the scoreboard that love languages create (“I’m doing my part, why isn’t my spouse doing theirs?”) and soaking in the grace and mercy of God; focusing on what he’s given us that we don’t deserve rather than feeling entitled to and idolizing the marital carrot on a stick that is always just out of reach.
It’s going to the Father, the way Jesus did (Matthew 3:17; Luke 23:46), to know He accepts us and approves of us (Colossians 1:22; Romans 8:4), when no one else in our lives is giving us that message.
Two beauties come from this divine power connection. One is that your spouse will be shown the supernatural love of Jesus in spite of how they are treating you. Even more profound than this though is that you, the extension cord, will be full of vibrant life at all times, regardless of how your spouse is treating you. How else could Jesus tell you that your joy will be complete when you lay down your life in love for another in John 15:11-13? These two things don’t seem to go together.
Laying down one’s life can only equate to complete joy when a power source is involved who transcends both the one giving and the one receiving.
No wonder so many of us are starved for a love that satisfies. We are looking for it everywhere except from the Source itself.
The article suggests that we should love our spouse the way they want to be loved but when they don’t reciprocate we should turn to God for what they are supposed to give us back? Why be married then?
Really excellent question, Beth! I agree with you that there comes a time to face reality and to allow our spouse to have the consequence of their choices. This is about having good boundaries. Here and here are a couple of articles about when it’s time to release that spouse to what they’ve chosen.
ELENA!
Please don’t get married if you are not sure. Do not have expectations that things will change.
Reading everyone else’s comments are heartbreaking. Marriage is attacked at every turn. I have been married 9 years, and we have had lots of struggles. Things are good now. Maybe Marriage Counseling will help with a lot of the issues. Please do not give up. I have a dog-eared copy of Stormy O’Martian’s “The Power of a Praying Wife.” I read it over and over when things are bad. It’s old, but it has worked wonders for us. Unfortunately marriage takes two to work. It’s not 50/50, it’s 100% and 100%. There have been times where I was in about 10% and he was in 90%, there have been times where he wasn’t happy, so I had to be the rock.
Praying for ALL of these marriages right now.
Thank you for this encouragement and promises to sustain. Man doesn’t live on bread alone but by every word that comes from the mouth of God. I want Christ to be manifested in our marriage unconditionally.
Looking for help. I’ve been married for nearly a year, and I feel like my wife doesn’t love me anymore. She saw that I was texting another woman a few times and she is rightfully upset. I never cheated nor had the intention to cheat. I guess having someone to talk to (just about work) felt nice. I work 2 jobs and work 7 days a week to support our family and I am always tired. When I don’t work my second job, I am home, present and taking care of our son so she can relax. I take full responsibility for what I did in breaking her trust and not honoring my wife. I am in counseling now and trying my best to fix this. She’s all but given up on me, and I’m distraught. Praying for her and us as a couple every night. What else can I do, and do you recommend.
Hello, I’m not sure there’s much more we can recommend in this situation. Earning back trust is not easy, as you’re experiencing. Do you have accountability on your device? Another man you can speak to frequently about honoring your wife and living up to what’s expected? Otherwise, it’s just taking time to heal wounds.
I wish you all the best.
Chris
Hi my name is John and my marriage is almost in the end. Reading this has made me realize what kind of a man I am and I’m so ashamed. I didn’t even realize I was doing what I did. I’ve been praying to God with tears to help change me and bring my wife Elizabeth back. I see what God wanted me to see. Please pray for my marriage. She’s the world to me. Thank you.
What does Christ expect from his church, the bride? Anything? So as part of the church I am not required to be faithful, loving, respectful, caring?
This article seems lopsided. If I am Christian only outwardly and not inwardly does Christ recognize me? What did Paul say about this and Christ for that matter?
Relationship is reciprocal. If I do not kneel to the cross, have faith, repent, receive, accept, put both an effort of love, and give am I going to heaven?
Did God cut off Isreal? Who is God’s bride? Does Jesus say, ” If you love me, you will have the option to not obey me.”?
This article sounds like fluffy stuff that you hear in a female affirmation group.
Thank you Kay for your reply. I know what you are saying and I agree with you but I know that his mother never showed him any love and therefore I see him as a broken little child and don’t want to kick him when he is down. His father was an alcoholic as well so I have a lot of empathy for him. I know that is no reason to allow him to be emotionally abusive to me you are right. Maybe I just haven’t got to that place of no return yet! God, that does sound like I am saying that he needs to abuse me a bit more before I will take action! It’s so good to communicate with someone as it helps me to see more clearly what I am doing to myself. Thank you!
I know how hard it is to have healthy boundaries when you see the pain of another person. And yet, you can’t do the work for him. He has to do it himself. And not only does he harm himself more and more, he also harms you in the process. It’s a terrible thing. Peace to you as you work your way toward healing!
My husband of 31 years is covert narcissist. He abused me emotionally and mentally all our married life and even through my cancer. He taunted me and grinned me down during this most difficult time in my life. He has a sense of entitlement and acted like HIS wife should not have gotten cancer. My sons are living away from home so I had to depend on my sisters support. Totally inhumane behavior. I have had councelling both individual and couples, but he left the couples when councellor started asking him why questions. I believe he never loved me as he picked me up when he wants his needs met and then turns his back for my needs. You see I have fo7nd out that he is self absorbed and I am a overly empathic. I was too busy all these years looking after everyone else except myself to really notice thus until my illness. I am so worried if I stay with him that it will come back. Being abused like that is so painful and I am supposed to be looking after myself.
Dear Angi,
You are NOT REQUIRED TO BE ABUSED.
You do not have to stay with an abusive spouse.
You are not a slave to anybody’s sin, not even your husband’s sin.
Please find a therapist who is accustomed to dealing with victims of abuse. Your local women’s shelter should be able to help you find support as well.
Please stay safe and take care of yourself,
Kay
All I did “wrong” was to get cancer. After nearly thirty years of marriage, this has been enough to stop my husband loving me, even though I have had to deal with the whole illness and treatment alone because he just ignores me.
God does not want or need for you to be abused. It is healthy, good, and right to leave an abuser. Please get help through your local women’s shelter, or through a therapist who is experienced in dealing with victims of abuse.
I know this is really long but please just finish it. You give such great advice to everyone an I’m so lost right now. Im only twenty two years old. I’ve been with my husband two years married only a couple of months though since October. We have a ten month old and my five year old that he treats as his own. He’s always traveled on and off for work. He can’t stand working at home because he feels like he can’t make enough. Ive always done my best to support what he wants. Stay home I’ll get a job too or go travel I’ll be there as much as I can. Well it’s been hard but we have always made it work until I messed up. My husband grew up in an abusive ruff home. So when I do something that really upsets him he over the years progressed from verbally abusive comments to really verbally abusing me and pushing me around where I didn’t even wanna be here anymore. I felt worthless. He always felt bad after wards but it was always my fault. I told him I couldn’t do it anymore. So it stopped for a while but of course one day he just randomly did it again. Lost it on me for no reason because I said something that was wrong in his eyes. So this time I pretended everything was okay after but my heart was crumbling. I packed all me am the kids stuff waited for him to leave an left for three days an that’s when I messed up. I had no where to stay besides a guy I had met at work that was friends with a real close friend of mine. He had a spear room an was of course nice enough to tell me to stay in it. I wouldn’t bother anyone. So I did. An even though he did keep trying to talk to me I didn’t engage in all that.. I was married just very hurt. I didn’t cheat on my husband. But I also didn’t realize what I was about to do to my relationship when he found out where I was an that some guy had been texting me and I had told that random everything that happened in my marriage trying to solve it in my head. At the time none of that occurred how he would see everything in his perspective. I went home after he found out. We decided to stay together an try. Since then it doesn’t matter how how much I try or anything. He hasn’t cared. He’s so set that I cheated that he has talked to sent pictures to over twenty girls. I found out before he went back to work in texas. It broke me. I felt how he did. He promised it stop. How do I know though he’s a thousand miles away. And never ever has the erg to talk to me or even the kids. Sure he texts some calls every now an then but mostly I have to beg him to talk to me. An then when I finally say idk what to do anymore he says what do u want me to do be so clingy u gripe me out but in other hurtful words. He tells me he doesn’t feel the erg to care more after everything. I know I hurt him. But I am suffering I miss my husband. I’m pregnant with our third child and alone feeling. While he’s gone an I don’t even know what he does watches or talks to down there. He’s always eating at twin peaks and Hooters an I know it’s wrong but it hurts. He never tells me what he’s doing I get griped at for explaining it upsets me he says well u upset me going to a guy’s house. This was a long while back an we decided to work it out but I’m the only one trying an hurting. I know this isn’t completely what this is about on here but I have been reading for hours an yours spoke to me should i just give up when I don’t want to how long before it gets better if he’s not even attempting……..
I am so sorry for the pain that you’re feeling. Of course pornography and sexual betrayal are the things we talk about most here at Covenant Eyes, but in your particular case it sounds like your husband is abusive, and frankly, that is a bigger concern to me than anything else. I’m concerned for your safety: physically, emotionally, I wonder if you are truly safe? It sounds to me like the sexual betrayal is simply part of that bigger picture of relational distress and lack of safety. If there is a women’s shelter in your area, that is a great place to go for help and support in the future. This listing provides all sorts of shelter options around the US. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is always available to you as well. Take good care, Kay