A marriage strategy made popular by The Five Love Languages book and others like it is that if you love your spouse, they will love you back.
Many a client has walked into a marriage counselor’s office and asked what they can do to get their spouse to show them love. They’ve tried and tried to be a good husband or wife, but the reciprocation just isn’t there. The heartache and pain of this sort of rejection leaves a person raw, desperate, and unable to take much more. If only a marriage counselor could solve this riddle for them.
After seeing enough clients like this walk into their office, patterns begin to emerge: patterns in the way people are wired to give and receive love. Many times the unloving spouse isn’t actually unloving, their efforts to give love back just aren’t seen and/or the efforts to show them love never found their mark. After seeing these sorts of patterns hundreds of times, the experienced marriage counselor can diagnose that these two spouses just aren’t speaking one another’s love languages.
Through some assessments of what makes that person feel good, a love language is discovered and now the husband or wife has the magic key to unlock their mate’s heart. As long as they show love in that language (in the way the other person wants), their spouse will receive it and will show them love in return. Marriage crisis solved.
This type of strategy has helped many couples and it has sold lots of books, but there are foundational flaws to it that have set spouses back much further than when they began.
Flaw #1: Love Is Not Self-Seeking
What happens when the underlying premise of a marriage counseling strategy is to get your spouse to do for you what you want? What happens is we undermine the very definition of what love is, which is a catastrophic problem.
Trying to get my spouse to do what I want might seem innocent, but we’d agree it is the very definition of “self-seeking.”
The problem here is that 1 Corinthians 13:5 clearly tells us, love is not self-seeking.
Jesus then models sacrificial (the opposite of self-seeking) love for us and tells us to do likewise:
Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! (Romans 5:9-10)
But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? (Matthew 5:44, 46)
I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. (John 15:11-13)
The irony of modern marriage is we include these sorts of things in our marriage vows, that I will “love, honor and cherish you…for better or worse…’til death do us part,” yet the rubber hits the road what we really mean is, “I will only love you if you love me back.”
This is called kickback love, which according to the Bible, isn’t love at all.
Instead of diving deep into the gospel to allow our hearts to be transformed to love sacrificially, we run to a marriage counseling strategy that is meant to transform our spouse.
This is backwards.
Flaw #2: Connected to the Wrong Power Source
Is it easy to love someone who doesn’t love you back? Not at all. Especially when this person made a vow to you that they would indeed love you back.
This hits pretty close to home for God. On his wedding day with His people, they proclaim to him:
Then he took the Book of the Covenant and read it to the people. They responded, “We will do everything the LORD has said; we will obey.” (Exodus 24:7)
Centuries later, God even reminisces about this day:
This is what the LORD says: “‘I remember the devotion of your youth, how as a bride you loved me. (Jeremiah 2:1)
This reminiscing only prefaced the pain God felt toward his unfaithful and unloving bride:
Long ago you broke off your yoke and tore off your bonds; you said, ‘I will not serve you!’ Indeed, on every high hill and under every spreading tree you lay down as a prostitute. You are a swift she-camel running here and there, a wild donkey accustomed to the desert, sniffing the wind in her craving—in her heat who can restrain her? Any males that pursue her need not tire themselves; at mating time they will find her. (Jeremiah 2:20, 23-24)
God knows what it feels like to be unloved by a spouse. He knows your pain and he longs to hold you and comfort you. But more than just comfort you, God also modeled to us a path of freedom through the pain.
We are, after all, God’s spouse. The same rebellious and unfaithful spouse written about in Jeremiah is the one Jesus came and died for in Romans 5:9-10. The path of freedom to love an unloving spouse is the same one God himself traveled.
This path begins with taking our eyes off our spouse and on to Jesus as the power source for our love. The reason a “love language” strategy won’t sustain a marriage for the long haul is because it requires that we look to another human being as our motivator and source for love.
This is like plugging one end of an extension cord into its other end. What happens?
Nothing happens. You just have a dead wire.
For an extension cord to work and to be full of life, it must be plugged into a power outlet. This power outlet in your marriage is God’s unconditional love for you. It is knowing you are God’s child (Romans 8:14), an heir to his kingdom (Romans 8:17), beautifully and wonderfully made by him (Psalm 139:1-18), and that He is sovereign and knows what He’s doing (Romans 8:28, 31).
I’m not saying you shouldn’t go to marriage counseling or read marriage books, but you need to understand that they aren’t a silver bullet and the ultimate solution will not be found in these things. These often bring short-term solutions and sometimes will give you long lasting tools that can help your marriage, and sometimes they don’t help at all because your spouse simply isn’t going to change right now.
The key to finding the path of freedom in your marriage isn’t that God will change your spouse, it’s that God will change you. Not necessary to change you into a “better spouse” but to change your heart and perspective to find your sustenance in God’s love for you, not in your spouse’s love.
It’s removing marriage and your spouse as idols in your life and putting the person of God and the sufficiency of his love front and center as your life-source.
It’s removing the scoreboard that love languages create (“I’m doing my part, why isn’t my spouse doing theirs?”) and soaking in the grace and mercy of God; focusing on what he’s given us that we don’t deserve rather than feeling entitled to and idolizing the marital carrot on a stick that is always just out of reach.
It’s going to the Father, the way Jesus did (Matthew 3:17; Luke 23:46), to know He accepts us and approves of us (Colossians 1:22; Romans 8:4), when no one else in our lives is giving us that message.
Two beauties come from this divine power connection. One is that your spouse will be shown the supernatural love of Jesus in spite of how they are treating you. Even more profound than this though is that you, the extension cord, will be full of vibrant life at all times, regardless of how your spouse is treating you. How else could Jesus tell you that your joy will be complete when you lay down your life in love for another in John 15:11-13? These two things don’t seem to go together.
Laying down one’s life can only equate to complete joy when a power source is involved who transcends both the one giving and the one receiving.
No wonder so many of us are starved for a love that satisfies. We are looking for it everywhere except from the Source itself.
So many posts about people struggling in their marriage. None with a resolution or happy ending. This is not encouraging!!
It’s a sad reality that many, many marriages today are affected by pornography. A good resolution, a reconciled relationship, requires hard work on both parts. The husband has to do his work in recovery, and the wife has to do her work with boundaries. Unfortunately, many men are unwilling to do the work and many women are not well=trained in good boundaries. Women are often encouraged against good boundaries, in fact, and they end up staying in relationships that are effectively dead, simply because they feel trapped and without options. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that I wish every woman would read.
My wife of 16 years told me she doesn’t respect me anymore because of past failures to provide for our family, and putting the burden on her. She says there is nothing I can do to bring it back. The safety and security she needed from me was not there. I have been depressed on and off for years and has sabotaged my ability to successfully provide for my family. She now has become very successful, earning a masters degree and becoming a NP. I truly admire her accomplishments and love her more than anything. I have sought help for my depression and have gone back to school, but I am afraid it is to little to late. I am feeling very depressed and rejected. I wonder if I would be able to recognize God’s love at this point. I also wonder if the best thing is for her to find someone who will love her the way she needs to be loved.
Tom, whatever happens in your marriage, whether or not you are able to do the work to be trustworthy to your wife at this point, please find a doctor and get medical help for your depression. You say you’ve sought help, but you’re continuing to feel very depressed and hopeless. If you’ve been to your doctor already, go back and explain the symptoms you are continuing to experience. If you have not yet sought medical care, do so immediately. There is help! Treatment may not be enough to restore the years that have gone by already, but treatment will help you to live a healthier, happier life in the future. Peace to you, Kay
So I’ve been married 33 years. We have had our shares of ups & downs but that is what marriage is. Most of the times our marriage has matured as we worked through the valleys with God by our side. 3 years into our marriage, we lost our first child which was devastating; lots of little bumps raising our other 3 children that are now fully grown; then his use of porn about 12 years ago & my cancer a year later. We have weathered all of these storms because we rely on God & know He will teach us something. It is hard to think of it as pure joy at the time (as it says in James 1: 1-2) but we know from experience that we do come out stronger.
Well as usual, the storm we are in hit me blind-sided once again. He relapsed & started using porn 6-12 months ago. It has been less than a week since I found out. God is keeping me much stronger this time & because I trust God completely, I am able to hear the messages he keeps sending me. My daily devotional & Bible readings can only be from Him because of how relevant they are. Last night I read Chapter 3 of the Rekindling the Romance book which he downloaded in an effort to make our marriage whole again (before I figured it out). Chapter 3 described how after all the turmoil/fights etc., the husband proclaimed his unconditional love for his wife. It was the turning point in their young 6 year marriage. Well here I am after 33 years of marriage and I think I have finally realized that I will never have unconditional love from my husband. I truly love him unconditionally and I always have. So much so, that I am willing to do pretty much anything to help him. I have been trying to decide all week if the best thing for “him” is for me to leave for a while. I thought maybe it is what he needs to finally “get it”. But I am afraid of him spiraling into a depression and not moving toward any kind of recovery.
I am wondering if there is a part 2 to this article. I am not self-seeking & I do rely on God as my source of power. So I’m feeling that this is good as it is going to get. My husband does love me but he doesn’t love me as much as he loves sex. I trust God will bring us through this storm too & I will be a better person at the end. The thing I fear right now is that I am going to be doing this once again in another 10 years. I guess we didn’t fix the problem last time, maybe we just put a bandage on it.
Thank you for your website & articles. Hopefully they will get through to him once & for all.
Hi Lisa,
Wow, you’ve been through so much. My heart just breaks for you. I do think it’s really healthy to consider your boundaries, and whether you need a separation or not is up to you. You know the circumstances of this relationship, and you know the harm that’s being done to you in it. The only thing I would say is that boundaries are not a tool to change the other person (although that may happen!). Boundaries are simply the declaration of what is and is not right for us, personally, and what we will and will not live with. If you need to be separated from your husband’s ongoing behaviors, then go for it. But do it because it’s the right and healthy thing for you, regardless of how your husband may or may not respond. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that might be helpful as you think this through. If you don’t have a counselor, now might be the time! And if you haven’t found the online resources at Bloom for Women, those are great, too. Whatever he chooses, YOU choose to be healthy for you.
Peace to you,
Kay
I am searching right now. I’m not sure for what but I guess I’m trying to reach out. I feel like leaving my marriage,church,and just running away. I can’t take it anymore. Nothing seems to work for me, no matter how hard I try. I have a wife that doesn’t care if I leave and she puts her 24 and 19 year sons before me. I can’t compete and she doesn’t care because it’s all about them. In not against them it’s just that she allows them to do ungodly things in our home. I have no say so. I guess I’m out. Thanks for listening.
I have been married for over 22 years. My husband has alexithymia and cannot connect with me on an emotional level. When we were married 4 years he said he would eventually get around to loving me but now I know he will never love me. I spent years praying that God would either change me or him, neither has happened. God has not changed my needs, I don’t think he will. I need emotional intimacy and emotional support and recognizing that I will never have either from the only man I am to be subject to for the rest of my life is a hard pill to swallow. It is absolutely heartbreaking, sometimes on a daily basis. It is trite to say that somehow, since I feel this way, I have not relied on God, or that I have not allowed God to be sufficient, but I don’t agree. God requires my husband to love me because God knows I need it, the same as God requires me to respect my husband because my husband needs it. My question is this – Knowing that I won’t be loved for the next 50+ years of my life, how do I live with that? How do you accept that? I’ve been praying about this for years without an answer.
What a heart-breaking situation. To me, emotional intimacy is the life-blood of a marriage. Facing a lifetime without that is extremely difficult. Whatever you decide about how to manage the situation, you’ll need support. I would suggest finding a therapist who can help you process your emotions and build healthy boundaries for yourself, given the realities of your situation. There’s probably not a “right” answer, but I hope you can find good support for yourself, no matter what you choose. Peace to you, Kay
I got married when I was young and had just joined the Army. My first wife still wanted to still be in the clubs so I let her go be single again but we had a daughter together 2 years after we were married. Long story short, she kept me from my daughter and didn’t allow me to have a relationship with my daughter even though she was the one who wanted to be single again. I promised myself that I would never let another woman do that to me ever again. I wanted to be an all day, every day dad, not the weekend or holiday dad. Somewhere along the road, I decided that being a good father was more important than being happy. But I got married again about 3 years later. My new wife and I had met in the military and we went to Germany where she only worked for a year. She got pregnant and stopped working and we were struggling to pay bills and to be able to buy pampers, and milk. So I stopped all funds on everything that I could to make sure I could take care of us….. this included her tithes….. She was upset about this but I was raised to believe that God knows your heart and I wasn’t out partying or drinking… I used every bit of money I had to take care of my family and my responsibilities. Well anyway, to get back at me she decided to take some important things from me…….sex, affection and communication. This hurt us dearly and I begged her for years to stop doing this. Eventually after I sent her home from Europe, I did step out. I had been overwhelmed by the lack of affection and connection to a woman in my life. Well eventually she found out and then she used that against me of course. She knew the biggest thing to kill me with was the lack of affection because I used to be a very affectionate person. Well we never got back right and she continued to punish me. I fought and fought but she continued to give me the bare minimum and after years of feeling alone, I fell again. I tried counseling and everything I could to fix it but she was an unwilling participant…..we became roommates…..but we are good parents….. She does not work nor drive…I do everything….. I thought that at the very least I could get the bare minimum of what a good husband is supposed to get. I take care of my family very well. I have been a good father….but inside it feels like I am dying from a lack of love and affection in my life. I sought Christian counseling last year and asked her to come with me. She came for about a month and a half but stopped. The counselor would not allow her to use things that happened years ago to support her actions as a wife now. She is a keeper of wrongdoing and never sees what she does to others. She is also very selfish and only thinks about what she wants or needs. She avoids talking about what we could do to fix our marriage at all costs. So I kept going even though she stopped. I went for about a year and a half by myself, trying to get my life straight. She has really helped me to see that I need to start living again instead of doing everything I can to please a person who can never be pleased. She tried to teach me to love myself which is something that I never learned and don’t know how to do. It’s a hard process when you have been programmed to take care of everyone but yourself. It’s a hard life but I made those decisions so I am dealing with it. I love her and don’t want to be divorced but I am getting tired of having no one to talk to and living such an unaffectionate life. Because she doesn’t drive, I have to take off from work to take her and the kids to all of their appointments. Its very hard on me. I don’t ask for much but I do a lot. I take care of my responsibilities as a man. But inside I am dying and I don’t know what to do.
It sounds like you are a good husband. I know it’s hard to stay in a situation that doesn’t feel like a good marriage. I will share that I had a very similar situation and lived without sex and affection for most of the 15 years of my marriage, and the last 5 years was literally nothing. I didn’t know how to fix it, and I tried everything. I wanted it to work so bad that I sought advice from Christian women who told me to divorce because ‘he didn’t care and didn’t want to be with me.’ I did just that and the pain is/was extreme and still endures 10 years later. My ex and son moved 2,000 miles away for his ‘new job’ and my son met the girl of his dreams and has no intention of coming back. God hates divorce and I personally know why. Hang in there and don’t throw away your family! It’s not always about us. It sucks, I know, but the bigger picture is the family and your children….don’t let satan win!
My husband and I have been married for 16 years and dated for 3 years prior to that. About a month ago, he called me and told me that he wasn’t happy in our marriage and that he was uncertain if he wanted to stay in it. He left for nearly a month. During that time, I continued to be a source of support for him. I would bring him food, wash his clothes, whatever he needed and assured him that his family would be there when he needed us. I turned to God to help me to become the wife he needed. To be that submissive wife who fell into her husband’s plans. I prayed for his happiness and for God to keep us joined as one. He returned home after a month of absence from our home. Since his return, we haven’t had any serious issues at all. It’s been about 3 weeks now since he returned and although we are often intimate, I don’t feel that he is as devoted to our marriage as he was prior to leaving. He doesn’t reach to hold my hand, doesn’t tell me he loves me first, seems mostly uninterested in anything about my day, etc. I am trying to continue to love him and desire to be that submissive wife for him. If I continue to do this, will he eventually come around to showing affection again? What is God’s promise for the wife who is submissive? I keep telling myself that I should love without any expectations but I feel so emotionally fragile in doing so. How do I find God’s love so that I can feel that joy this article describes? I am still a beginner in seeking God’s word and direction and often feel unworthy and lost in the process.
There is no promise for the “submmissive wife.” I’m sorry if you’ve been sold the story that if you just submit, then your husband will eventually come around. This is a lie. There is no way to control the choices of others, unfortunately. It sounds like, despite your best efforts, that he is emotionally disconnected from the relationship.
Here’s an article I wrote a while back based on John Gottman’s research into what builds emotional trust in relationships. What you’re saying here, about your husband’s lack of “turning toward” you, sounds exactly like what Gottman talks about here. I think it’s very important that you pay attention to clues like that.
The best we can do in a situation like this is be responsible for ourselves and our healthy boundaries. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that might help. Find a counselor who can help you process your emotions and work on those healthy boundaries.
Whatever he chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy and whole.
Peace to you,
Kay
Focus your attention back on yourself and your own interests and friends and don’t have an attitude about it towards him. Be kind to him but don’t act like you are upset at all. DO, definitely, back down on the Betty Crocker efforts. Your husband, over time, will start to pursue you again and will start to wonder about his ‘clout’ with you. Dare to try it and stay strong! He will come back to pursuit mode! You need to let him know, with your actions, that he has something to lose, too!
I am married for one year and four months with an Indian guy and I am a Filipino and we both are working in UAE.. He was my bf for seven years and during those times we fight a lot. But during those time we are both sexually active already. Until after four years of being together his ex gf came back to his life. They exchange messages although his ex knew that he was with me already. They meet up, though nothing happened between them. But my husband loved her a lot and he was crazy with her. For whatever reason, they stopped messaging each other. And after a year the girl came back and again they lost connection. Until finally we got engaged. Again he tried to contact the girl and they exchange messages again. Before our marriage he meet new girl, and we actually broke up. But he never fully let me go, his reason was because he knew I will be hurt and lonely. So he wanted to know my whereabouts. It was full of pain from my heart, nights after nights of crying. Then I finally diceded I will end up from my side. I spoke with him to stop calling me, but then he never stopped. He was asking me to give him some time because he was to make sure from his side. With all the courage, I called up the girl and asked him to tell him to stop calling me and concentrate on her. Then to my surprise instead of doing so, he broke up with that girl and came back to me. He asked me to continue with our marriage plan. We get married, but my heart was unsure and I’m he felt the same. After our marriage, nothing had happened between us. He was not ready to have a baby yet. And after few months of our marriage, my father passed away. I went back to Philippines alone because the processing of visa would take time for him. While I was mourning from my fathers death, here comes my husband busy with his ex gf again. When I came back to UAE, I have found out about it. I have read he was telling to this girl that he wanted to marry her. I cried a lot. But then he asked me time again. He admitted that she was her everything and he love her a lot. Even though the girl loves him as well but he can’t stand and fight for her love to him. But my husband was still behind of her until now. I am always in pain but I don’t know how to leave him. I know he was waiting for me to go. His reason of staying with me was because I will be crying somewhere. I really do crying in pain. I really don’t know what to do. I know it’s time for me to let go, but thinking of losing him is killing me inside.
Why I’m never getting married. I don’t have the heart to stay in a relationship where I’m treated like garbage, cheated on… etc etc. I know if my husband even cheated once, I’d be gone. Gone with another man or just by myself, it wouldn’t matter.
Single people are way happier than married people, so why are people so afraid to be singles that they’d rather stay in a marriage where they are constantly cheated on? Sitting there waiting and waiting for their cheating, unloving spouses to love them back when deep down they know its never going to happen.
And somehow thinking prayer will make their spouses stop cheating?
is it that we have never learned to value ourselves the way God values us?
Hi, I have been in a relationship with my husband for 13 years. He had an affair with a co worker 4 years ago which I found out about. I forgave him because he started attending church and began being involved in our marriage. About a year ago his behavior started to change an I realized it was the same as he was 4 years ago. He has been denying that he is having an affair. Which is a lie since women has been messaging me and stuff. We have 2 children and it hurts me to know this is the end for us. I am physical and mentally sick. I feel like I am losing my mind. Every day I keep praying just to make it through the day for the sake of my children. I know I need to focus on God’s love for me.
Kate, I am so, so sorry. What a difficult and painful experience. It is very common for women in situations like this to have clinical levels of traumatic stress, and I think that’s probably what you’re experiencing when you say you’re physically and mentally sick and feel like you’re losing your mind. You are losing the life that you had hoped and planned for, and that is an enormous, devastating loss. I think you’ll need to find a therapist for yourself, someone who can help you process these painful emotions and rebuild a healthy life for yourself. A group might be a good support for you. And you might like to check into the online resources at Bloom, where there are forums, classes, and all sorts of support options. Peace to you, Kay