A marriage strategy made popular by The Five Love Languages book and others like it is that if you love your spouse, they will love you back.
Many a client has walked into a marriage counselor’s office and asked what they can do to get their spouse to show them love. They’ve tried and tried to be a good husband or wife, but the reciprocation just isn’t there. The heartache and pain of this sort of rejection leaves a person raw, desperate, and unable to take much more. If only a marriage counselor could solve this riddle for them.
After seeing enough clients like this walk into their office, patterns begin to emerge: patterns in the way people are wired to give and receive love. Many times the unloving spouse isn’t actually unloving, their efforts to give love back just aren’t seen and/or the efforts to show them love never found their mark. After seeing these sorts of patterns hundreds of times, the experienced marriage counselor can diagnose that these two spouses just aren’t speaking one another’s love languages.
Through some assessments of what makes that person feel good, a love language is discovered and now the husband or wife has the magic key to unlock their mate’s heart. As long as they show love in that language (in the way the other person wants), their spouse will receive it and will show them love in return. Marriage crisis solved.
This type of strategy has helped many couples and it has sold lots of books, but there are foundational flaws to it that have set spouses back much further than when they began.
Flaw #1: Love Is Not Self-Seeking
What happens when the underlying premise of a marriage counseling strategy is to get your spouse to do for you what you want? What happens is we undermine the very definition of what love is, which is a catastrophic problem.
Trying to get my spouse to do what I want might seem innocent, but we’d agree it is the very definition of “self-seeking.”
The problem here is that 1 Corinthians 13:5 clearly tells us, love is not self-seeking.
Jesus then models sacrificial (the opposite of self-seeking) love for us and tells us to do likewise:
Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! (Romans 5:9-10)
But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? (Matthew 5:44, 46)
I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. (John 15:11-13)
The irony of modern marriage is we include these sorts of things in our marriage vows, that I will “love, honor and cherish you…for better or worse…’til death do us part,” yet the rubber hits the road what we really mean is, “I will only love you if you love me back.”
This is called kickback love, which according to the Bible, isn’t love at all.
Instead of diving deep into the gospel to allow our hearts to be transformed to love sacrificially, we run to a marriage counseling strategy that is meant to transform our spouse.
This is backwards.
Flaw #2: Connected to the Wrong Power Source
Is it easy to love someone who doesn’t love you back? Not at all. Especially when this person made a vow to you that they would indeed love you back.
This hits pretty close to home for God. On his wedding day with His people, they proclaim to him:
Then he took the Book of the Covenant and read it to the people. They responded, “We will do everything the LORD has said; we will obey.” (Exodus 24:7)
Centuries later, God even reminisces about this day:
This is what the LORD says: “‘I remember the devotion of your youth, how as a bride you loved me. (Jeremiah 2:1)
This reminiscing only prefaced the pain God felt toward his unfaithful and unloving bride:
Long ago you broke off your yoke and tore off your bonds; you said, ‘I will not serve you!’ Indeed, on every high hill and under every spreading tree you lay down as a prostitute. You are a swift she-camel running here and there, a wild donkey accustomed to the desert, sniffing the wind in her craving—in her heat who can restrain her? Any males that pursue her need not tire themselves; at mating time they will find her. (Jeremiah 2:20, 23-24)
God knows what it feels like to be unloved by a spouse. He knows your pain and he longs to hold you and comfort you. But more than just comfort you, God also modeled to us a path of freedom through the pain.
We are, after all, God’s spouse. The same rebellious and unfaithful spouse written about in Jeremiah is the one Jesus came and died for in Romans 5:9-10. The path of freedom to love an unloving spouse is the same one God himself traveled.
This path begins with taking our eyes off our spouse and on to Jesus as the power source for our love. The reason a “love language” strategy won’t sustain a marriage for the long haul is because it requires that we look to another human being as our motivator and source for love.
This is like plugging one end of an extension cord into its other end. What happens?
Nothing happens. You just have a dead wire.
For an extension cord to work and to be full of life, it must be plugged into a power outlet. This power outlet in your marriage is God’s unconditional love for you. It is knowing you are God’s child (Romans 8:14), an heir to his kingdom (Romans 8:17), beautifully and wonderfully made by him (Psalm 139:1-18), and that He is sovereign and knows what He’s doing (Romans 8:28, 31).
I’m not saying you shouldn’t go to marriage counseling or read marriage books, but you need to understand that they aren’t a silver bullet and the ultimate solution will not be found in these things. These often bring short-term solutions and sometimes will give you long lasting tools that can help your marriage, and sometimes they don’t help at all because your spouse simply isn’t going to change right now.
The key to finding the path of freedom in your marriage isn’t that God will change your spouse, it’s that God will change you. Not necessary to change you into a “better spouse” but to change your heart and perspective to find your sustenance in God’s love for you, not in your spouse’s love.
It’s removing marriage and your spouse as idols in your life and putting the person of God and the sufficiency of his love front and center as your life-source.
It’s removing the scoreboard that love languages create (“I’m doing my part, why isn’t my spouse doing theirs?”) and soaking in the grace and mercy of God; focusing on what he’s given us that we don’t deserve rather than feeling entitled to and idolizing the marital carrot on a stick that is always just out of reach.
It’s going to the Father, the way Jesus did (Matthew 3:17; Luke 23:46), to know He accepts us and approves of us (Colossians 1:22; Romans 8:4), when no one else in our lives is giving us that message.
Two beauties come from this divine power connection. One is that your spouse will be shown the supernatural love of Jesus in spite of how they are treating you. Even more profound than this though is that you, the extension cord, will be full of vibrant life at all times, regardless of how your spouse is treating you. How else could Jesus tell you that your joy will be complete when you lay down your life in love for another in John 15:11-13? These two things don’t seem to go together.
Laying down one’s life can only equate to complete joy when a power source is involved who transcends both the one giving and the one receiving.
No wonder so many of us are starved for a love that satisfies. We are looking for it everywhere except from the Source itself.
Hi! Your article has saved me from the nights & days of loneliness, I would have spent crying. My husband has been a little isolated from the very beginning of our marriage. It took me almost a year to understand that it’s because of his addiction to porn & porn chatting. I started talking to him about it,and he gave up on his chatting habbit. Things were okay, but due to the over interference of my in-laws’ my marriage came collapsing. I went back to my parents’ & gave him an opportunity to move on with his life; but he called us back pleading for the sake our daughter.Now he stays with his parents & comes to our house at nights. He still watches porn and prefers masturbation over real sex. Now, he lives in a different city & visits us, once a month. But, the distance has been ever growing up since. I am trying my best for this marriage to work, because I love him a lot. But, his behaviour hurts me a lot. Why doesn’t he free me by telling, if he has any interests outside, at all? My heart refuses to believe that he would ever cheat on me, because he is a good guy. But his attitude towards me is really hurtful. After waiting for him to come home for all these days, he can not even engage in 2 mins of conversation with me? I don’t know, what to expect from this marriage, but I don’t want him to regret after everything has finished. Please, help me deal with it. I hope that you would provide me with some positive guidance.
I’m so sorry. What a terribly painful situation. I think you do know what to expect from this marriage. He’s showing you exactly what to expect, and you ought to believe him. It’s sad, it’s painful, it’s difficult, but his behavior reveals the truth: he prefers porn and masturbation to real sex, he lives in another city, he can’t even engage in 2 minutes of conversation. That’s what this marriage looks like, and I’m so sorry for it. I think it’s time for you to consider healthy boundaries for yourself. Here, here, and here are some articles that might help. Peace to you, Kay
I have messed up my marriage. I thought it was a perfect marriage but my husband came home from work one day and said he wasn’t happy and wanted a divorce. Two weeks later he packed my things and sent me to stay with my mother. Once at my mothers I have learned he has had one affair in the past and is currently having another affair as we speak. I see where I went wrong in the marriage and my mistakes as his wife and I am willing to work things out and fix the things I did wrong but now he isn’t even giving me a chance and just says over and over again he wants a divorce. I pray daily to help me fix my marriage and show me what to do or say but I think my husband has forgotten the Jesus in his heart that brought us together. I do know that right now my husband is my idol that I’m trying to hold onto and I’m praying that I can change that and still keep my marriage….
Dear Heather,
I know you’re not perfect. You’re a human being, so perfection is not possible.
But no matter how imperfect you may happen to be, your husband made the choice–TWICE (at least, that we know of)–to have affairs. He made the choice to break his marriage vows. That was his choice.
You haven’t been able to control his choices in the past, and I don’t think you’re going to be able to do it now. No matter how perfectly you behave, he will still be in charge of his own choices.
I’m not saying, don’t work on your junk. Go ahead and work on your junk! We all have to do that. But work on your junk because you need to be healthy, NOT because it’s a way to control your husband’s choices.
Whatever your husband chooses, you can choose to work on your own healing. Find a therapist who can help you process your emotions and work on healthy growth patterns. Find a group that can help you process the trauma you’re going through. Check into the online resources at Bloom, where there are forums, classes, and all sorts of resources for women in marriage betrayal.
I am so, so sorry for the shock and pain you must be feeling at this time.
Peace to you as you heal,
Kay
I’ve been married for 22 years and have 5 children. My husband and I are distant. There is no one triggering factor though I know he doesn’t really love me though he tries. Almost everything I do he is is disappointed in me. We both ache for companionship and love though we just can’t seem to open up and love each other. We live parallel lives. Our marriage is like a business relationship. We are both so sad but just can’t find a way to love each other. He is a wonderful guy but he deserves someone that can fully love him. Sadly, I just can’t.
I think many times, there’s so much damage in a marriage that “love” as we think of it is dead. There are many times when divorce simply expresses the reality of a long-broken marriage. If you’re hoping to stay together, you might want to look at some of the research on successful marriages, though. John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is an excellent resource to work through together, if you are both committed to the relationship.
It’s saddens me to say but I’m in the same relationship I have been married for 22yrs eventho my husband try’s to show hes loves, but the way he show it is cold and dry, I know it’s wrong to look at his phone, but just to see how he expresses him self with so call friend in a loving way it sickens me why can he talk to me that way, I can be in pain and he doesn’t even flinch, I have came to the conclusion there is no love, and you know what is worse we were Christian and we know Gods word, i ask God why, now I’m lost not knowing what to do. But this relationship this way can’t continue
My God. It is 4 in the morning and I stumbled across this word. What a blessing, exactly what I needed to “hear” at this very moment. I’m so at peace. The more I ask my husband for affection, the more distant he seems to become. I needed this word. I’m now at peace. Thank you, thank you. You’ve been a blessing to my heart.
confused and hurting
i have been married 20 years and all of a sudden my wife tells me she loves me for being the father of here children and how much i care for family but shes not in love with me. she told me she has pushed me away due to finances and arguments over the kids even at times hating me she wants to be civil and just be friends. it hurts and i dont know what to do my first reaction was to get mad and give ultimatums because she didn’t talk to me when it was happening but after thinking about what the bible says to love your spouse like god love the church then i changed and told here i ll wait,love and support her till she knows what she wants because she said she dont know what to do and she not happy and has the feeling there has to be more. i dont know what that means i dont know if i am doing the right thing.
Funny how you are already coming up with a plan how yo get by when you finally tell your husband you want out and then you see this article. I always tell myself I need to always carry my cross everyday and I will do everything for my husband to see Jesus and real love through me, but sometimes, most of the times, it is just hard. The question ‘what about me’ always arises. God, Pleasr help me to find peace despite of this. Help me to put you inthe center instead of putting myself in your position.
Hello. I’ve been on the internet looking at links for struggling marriages. I’ve been married now for 5 months and back in January, my wife started feeling irritable, distant, angry. Because of her moods, it’s been a struggle for me. Within our little spats, I mentioned separation one day, and the very next week divorce(All was said out of anger, the next day I said I didn’t want a divorce). This hurt her. She was married before and that marriage ended with infidelity. I know those words could hurt anyone. Now my wife is more distant, a little cold and doesn’t seem like she wants to reconcile or work on the marriage. Godly friends have said treat with kindness and love. I’ve been doing that. Some days it’s very hard other days it’s easy. Others have said give her distance, which I’ve been doing too; that seems a little harder living in the same house. I’ve been on the couch now for a month and that KILLS me. In a Godly marriage, men are to lead and I don’t feel like I can do that. I understand women will hold things in for awhile and then it all comes out. That bothers me because, I thought in marriages we’re to communicate and talk out our issues. To make matters worse, I lost my job last week and there is some financial worries which puts marriage counseling on the back burner. I hope someday soon my wife will soften her heart. I’m hurting too. It feels like this is going to go on forever. She feels like I am going “to run away” again if we have a disagreement. I know our wives want us to be strong for them and I’m trying to learn this. I got married late in life, (40 years old), so I have a lot of independence in me that is being chiseled away.
I’m learning and want to die to myself in this marriage. I pray God can continue to work on me so I can be the husband my wife deserve.
I’d suggest that you find a copy of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. Sounds like there’s a lot of work to do here in terms of rebuilding emotional trust, and Gottman gives a great roadmap for that. Peace to you, Kay
Your wife pulled back out of fear…she probably has some PTSD from the devastation of her first marriage. The words separation and divorce are like shooting bullets from the hip and triggered in her fear that shut her down. These words cannot be used to manipulate or to be used flippantly, if at all. Words hurt and wound and can be destructive. I, unfortunately, know all too well. Life will give us many opportunities to keep our mouth shut….we should be wise and take all of them.
Thanks for this.
Longtime lapsed Christian. Addicted to porn. Allowed my wife to lose hope, leave.
Last night, I really prayed for the first time in many years. For the first time, I submitted to Jesus and left my fate to him.
Then rather than doing what I have been doing for years when restless and trying to sleep, which is watch porn, I used Google and prayed and developed a plan to try. Wrote a ton. I found this. I appreciate it. Thank you again. Didn’t sleep much, but it was a restful 3 hours.
It was a strange feeling when the spirit of God took control. For the first time in years, my wife and me spoke in the morning without anger or arguments. With smiles. Some of this I believe is because she is happy I am soon leaving. How foolish was I to neglect her as I did!
But some of it I know is because I had a hand on my shoulder guiding me.
You often don’t know what you lose until it is gone.
This reminded me of the importance to put my love in God. There will be many hard days ahead, but I believe with God’s guidance, I may be able to fill the hole in her heart I have left with the love she deserves.
Thank you again.
I left my husband going on 5 months now. It was the worse decision I ever made in my life. I regretted it 2 weeks after the move. I hurt it him by leaving. I’ve been trying to work it out sense. With no luck. He continuously reminds me he does not love me anymore because all the pain I caused him from my decisions. I’ve been praying for months. I feel so lost. Honestly I felt like I was alone. I felt like I was the only Christian women going through a situation like this. After reading some of you guys life problems I wish I was the only. I would never wish this on anyone. If anyone have any scriptures, guidance, anything please reply. I need it. ?
Hey there. You are definitely not alone! I’d say, find a counselor who can help you process the emotions you’re experiencing, and who can help you build healthy boundaries in your life. Find a group that will help support you. You might also like to check into the online resources at Bloom. Peace to you, Kay
Noah, like many stories I am not alone in my marriage problems. I recently wrote my wife this letter Valentines Day evening:
I really love you but this relationship pains me the way I am treated. You will already see my text about the flowers. I almost thought someone else sent the flowers or free promotional from 1800flowers.com. But I don’t understand why you have become so callous and cold. Sneaking around with money is sending mixed signals. I am very open with our money and when I have money I will share it with no questions asked. I think I have worked very hard to be a good husband, father and provider. I do deserve a little more respect and love, then way you are currently treating me. Yes, I made dinner plans for Valentine’s Day because I wanted to surprise you and take you out on a romantic dinner. I am disappointed and hurt in that situation. I feel like you don’t acknowledge my feelings. I would not have asked Nyjah to babysit on a school night for a few hours because her homework and things. I don’t have a problem on the weekend asking. I am really at a loss for words with the current status of our relationship. Love does not look this way, it looks like Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-Control.
I found this statement on forgiveness:
Forgiveness is a decision of the will. Since God commands us to forgive, we must make a conscious choice to obey God and forgive. The offender may not desire forgiveness and may not ever change, but that doesn’t negate God’s desire that we possess a forgiving spirit (Matthew 5:44). Ideally, the offender will seek reconciliation, but, if not, the one wronged can still make a decision to forgive.
Love is like forgiveness it is a choice; we have all have been given free will. I choose to forgive and I choose love you but not in this manner. God has relieved I need to exercise patience with you and your heart, but daily I grow frustrated and impatient. I am truly sorry for causing you this pain, but please know happiness is just not in your marriage but is comes knowing your calling and using the acronym JOY (serving Jesus, Others and Yourself). One can find the simple things in life all around for happiness. We are taking a 10 part series online with river of life called on calling. Here is one of the verses Rev 4:11, “You are worthy, O Lord, To receive glory and honor and power; For you created all things, And by Your will they exist and were created” Basically God created us on purpose for a purpose. I am currently seeking my calling but it is related to helping people. Each time I help a hopeless person I feel a little joy about making their situation a little better. I seek God daily in speaking to Christian men, meditating and praying. This is very troubling and I am at a loss.
After writing this letter my wife has become very distant and none affection, but she has been this way since 15 or 16 months ago no sex and no kissing in about 3 months. She wants to separate and we have three children 13, 10 and 5. Plus we are active duty military family. But main question is why did God send me a women with trust issues and depression. Yes we lost a child 7 year ago to cancer and I believe her faith is question. We both are very active in Church but she does not enjoy being around the other church members when I am around basically she can not stand me and sometimes the feelings are mutual.