A marriage strategy made popular by The Five Love Languages book and others like it is that if you love your spouse, they will love you back.
Many a client has walked into a marriage counselor’s office and asked what they can do to get their spouse to show them love. They’ve tried and tried to be a good husband or wife, but the reciprocation just isn’t there. The heartache and pain of this sort of rejection leaves a person raw, desperate, and unable to take much more. If only a marriage counselor could solve this riddle for them.
After seeing enough clients like this walk into their office, patterns begin to emerge: patterns in the way people are wired to give and receive love. Many times the unloving spouse isn’t actually unloving, their efforts to give love back just aren’t seen and/or the efforts to show them love never found their mark. After seeing these sorts of patterns hundreds of times, the experienced marriage counselor can diagnose that these two spouses just aren’t speaking one another’s love languages.
Through some assessments of what makes that person feel good, a love language is discovered and now the husband or wife has the magic key to unlock their mate’s heart. As long as they show love in that language (in the way the other person wants), their spouse will receive it and will show them love in return. Marriage crisis solved.
This type of strategy has helped many couples and it has sold lots of books, but there are foundational flaws to it that have set spouses back much further than when they began.
Flaw #1: Love Is Not Self-Seeking
What happens when the underlying premise of a marriage counseling strategy is to get your spouse to do for you what you want? What happens is we undermine the very definition of what love is, which is a catastrophic problem.
Trying to get my spouse to do what I want might seem innocent, but we’d agree it is the very definition of “self-seeking.”
The problem here is that 1 Corinthians 13:5 clearly tells us, love is not self-seeking.
Jesus then models sacrificial (the opposite of self-seeking) love for us and tells us to do likewise:
Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! (Romans 5:9-10)
But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? (Matthew 5:44, 46)
I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. (John 15:11-13)
The irony of modern marriage is we include these sorts of things in our marriage vows, that I will “love, honor and cherish you…for better or worse…’til death do us part,” yet the rubber hits the road what we really mean is, “I will only love you if you love me back.”
This is called kickback love, which according to the Bible, isn’t love at all.
Instead of diving deep into the gospel to allow our hearts to be transformed to love sacrificially, we run to a marriage counseling strategy that is meant to transform our spouse.
This is backwards.
Flaw #2: Connected to the Wrong Power Source
Is it easy to love someone who doesn’t love you back? Not at all. Especially when this person made a vow to you that they would indeed love you back.
This hits pretty close to home for God. On his wedding day with His people, they proclaim to him:
Then he took the Book of the Covenant and read it to the people. They responded, “We will do everything the LORD has said; we will obey.” (Exodus 24:7)
Centuries later, God even reminisces about this day:
This is what the LORD says: “‘I remember the devotion of your youth, how as a bride you loved me. (Jeremiah 2:1)
This reminiscing only prefaced the pain God felt toward his unfaithful and unloving bride:
Long ago you broke off your yoke and tore off your bonds; you said, ‘I will not serve you!’ Indeed, on every high hill and under every spreading tree you lay down as a prostitute. You are a swift she-camel running here and there, a wild donkey accustomed to the desert, sniffing the wind in her craving—in her heat who can restrain her? Any males that pursue her need not tire themselves; at mating time they will find her. (Jeremiah 2:20, 23-24)
God knows what it feels like to be unloved by a spouse. He knows your pain and he longs to hold you and comfort you. But more than just comfort you, God also modeled to us a path of freedom through the pain.
We are, after all, God’s spouse. The same rebellious and unfaithful spouse written about in Jeremiah is the one Jesus came and died for in Romans 5:9-10. The path of freedom to love an unloving spouse is the same one God himself traveled.
This path begins with taking our eyes off our spouse and on to Jesus as the power source for our love. The reason a “love language” strategy won’t sustain a marriage for the long haul is because it requires that we look to another human being as our motivator and source for love.
This is like plugging one end of an extension cord into its other end. What happens?
Nothing happens. You just have a dead wire.
For an extension cord to work and to be full of life, it must be plugged into a power outlet. This power outlet in your marriage is God’s unconditional love for you. It is knowing you are God’s child (Romans 8:14), an heir to his kingdom (Romans 8:17), beautifully and wonderfully made by him (Psalm 139:1-18), and that He is sovereign and knows what He’s doing (Romans 8:28, 31).
I’m not saying you shouldn’t go to marriage counseling or read marriage books, but you need to understand that they aren’t a silver bullet and the ultimate solution will not be found in these things. These often bring short-term solutions and sometimes will give you long lasting tools that can help your marriage, and sometimes they don’t help at all because your spouse simply isn’t going to change right now.
The key to finding the path of freedom in your marriage isn’t that God will change your spouse, it’s that God will change you. Not necessary to change you into a “better spouse” but to change your heart and perspective to find your sustenance in God’s love for you, not in your spouse’s love.
It’s removing marriage and your spouse as idols in your life and putting the person of God and the sufficiency of his love front and center as your life-source.
It’s removing the scoreboard that love languages create (“I’m doing my part, why isn’t my spouse doing theirs?”) and soaking in the grace and mercy of God; focusing on what he’s given us that we don’t deserve rather than feeling entitled to and idolizing the marital carrot on a stick that is always just out of reach.
It’s going to the Father, the way Jesus did (Matthew 3:17; Luke 23:46), to know He accepts us and approves of us (Colossians 1:22; Romans 8:4), when no one else in our lives is giving us that message.
Two beauties come from this divine power connection. One is that your spouse will be shown the supernatural love of Jesus in spite of how they are treating you. Even more profound than this though is that you, the extension cord, will be full of vibrant life at all times, regardless of how your spouse is treating you. How else could Jesus tell you that your joy will be complete when you lay down your life in love for another in John 15:11-13? These two things don’t seem to go together.
Laying down one’s life can only equate to complete joy when a power source is involved who transcends both the one giving and the one receiving.
No wonder so many of us are starved for a love that satisfies. We are looking for it everywhere except from the Source itself.
Thank you for writing this article. It was just what I needed to read. We’ve been married about 16 months, after dating about 4 1/2 years. Service and giving are two gifts of mine (church, family, friends, basically anyone), and that naturally carries into our relationship. He says all the time how good I am to him. He’s a good man and has a very giving heart for others, but when it comes to me, he’s pretty selfish most of the time. When he’s tired or stressed, he takes things out on me and can be very critical. He’ll usually say he’s sorry later, but I feel like he is just making nice so I’ll do things for him, not because he loves me. I’ve been struggling with how to get him to treat me the way he treats others-love me the way he loves others. I was doing just what this article talked about.Thank you for pointing me in the right direction. I already feel more of a peace about our situation.
Please pray for my family! My husband of 17 years had an affair and immediately moved out to be with this other woman.he said he had fallen out of love with me said I didn’t show him enough love. I will admit that I did put our children first and neglected him, but he never sat me down and said this was a serious issue. I am broken hearted and so are our kids.
I want to save our marriage, but he is so wrapped up with his new girl that he won’t even speak with me.
I pray that God will remove this person from his life quickly and for him to turn his eyes back to God.
Karen, I am so sorry. Whatever he chooses, I hope that you’ll find a counselor who can help you process your emotions and consider healthy boundaries for yourself. You might also appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women.
My husband and I have been married for 4 years, Saturday he talks to me and let’s me know he is no longer in love with me. He said he doesn’t feel anything special like before for the last year, but he has love for me but not in love. I’m heartbroken. I knew we were growing apart but since he isn’t a affectionate person to begin with I thought he just needed and enjoyed space, now this. I told him that, and that I don’t feel a spark eaither but I love him as my husband. He then said he doesn’t want to live like this and when we are older regret being unhappy so long. He thinks that all relationships are full of spark. I don’t know what to do I’m alone, disappointed. We are attending marriage counseling this weekend but I feel like I’m drowning. The days are long, to get home and be in separate rooms. I love him, and want it to work. I pray God touch our hearts and guide us in the right direction. I pray he gives us strength to get through this. Please pray for us.
Been there and done that unfortunately.
Please pray for my marriage. My husband says he’s never loved me and won’t ever. I’m not sure what to do anymore.
Hi Trisha,
I am so, so sorry. Whatever your husband chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy and whole. Find a counselor who can help you process through these painful emotions, and decide on healthy boundaries. A group might also be a good place to look for support. And you might like to check into the online resource, Bloom, where there are all sorts of forums and educational offerings.
Peace to you,
Kay
This is hard to read and for me it really hits home. I, like so many others have battled pornography addiction for years, and for most of my marriage. I have fallen into the trap several times and now I fear my wife is simply broken. Even though the Lord has given me the strength to stay away from porn for nearly 11 months and I have a mentor and accountability partner, she still can’t seem to trust me (and I don’t blame her for that). She has fallen into depression, and says that she doesn’t think she loves me any longer. This seems to be the root of all of our issues right now, and little things are blown up into much larger issues as a result. I’m trying to show her love, but I fear it is too little too late. I am trying to trust God, and I know that he gives us both strength, I am just terrified of loosing our marriage and what that might mean for our three kids. I lover her so much and can’t imagine being without her. We have discussed going to a counselor after the first of the year.
I guess if nothing else we could really use prayer, understanding and comfort.
Dear Noah,
I have just read the article and I really enjoyed it. I have been with my husband for 2years and he has been so amazing with me. I recently overreacted in anger to him and disrespected him and since then he has completely shut me out,doesn’t even want to see me. I have realized that I haven’t been supportive to him as he has been with me and I just want him to forgive me.
Please advice me on how to get my husband to look at me the way he used to.
Thank you.
I am heartbroken. My husband of 35 yrs has for 4 yrs now shown no intimacy, no compliments, rarely says I love you. He kisses me rarely and I get cuddles on the couch before bed and that is all. He says that he decided to love me on my own level. Said we couldn’t have our relationship back due to my diagnosis (bipolar2). He feels I made no effort sexually and he did it all. He will not go to counseling. He says we don’t have a problem, just I have a problem because I’m not happy in our marriage.
Deborah, I’m so, so sorry. I hope you’ve got a good counselor to help support you in this, and to help you work out what’s going on here. It sounds like he withholds relationship from you, then blames you for being unhappy about it. That’s odd, to say the least. I don’t know what else might be going on there, but it sounds like something a counselor could help you explore. Peace to you, Kay
My husband said that he doesn’t feel the same way about me (we’ve been married 45 years) because 15 years ago, I wanted him to retire, sell the house that he built and move out of state to be near our grown children and grandchildren. He says that I ruined his life and he can’t forgive me for it, and he will never forget it until the day he dies. He has been hot and cold with me our whole married life…only now he thinks he has a passport to be downright mean to me, while being happy and nice with everyone else…even his dogs are treated better than he treats me. I am going to be 67 years old and am still holding down a job that provides us with our health insurance, and much more. All I am asking him to do is to stop looking back and try to look forward and enjoy the years we have left, as we can’t really change the past. I just wish that since he can be happy around/ with everyone else, he could make the effort to be nicer to me. Our two children are generally at odd ends with him because he’s not really nice to them either. He spoils every holiday with his nasty attitude. He puts on an act of being nice to me when around other people. I honestly think he feels that people don’t see through the act…and I know that they do. I’m so sad. I’ve prayed for God to change his heart… I’m just so tired of hearing the same mean statements over and over. Anyone out there with a comment?
Hi Cathy,
It sounds to me like you need to process through this with a counselor who can help you process your emotions and decide what healthy boundaries will be like for you in this situation. Frankly, it sounds to me like your husband is emotionally abusive. God may still change his heart, but only if your husband chooses to let him! However, you can change your boundaries and find good health for yourself, no matter what your husband chooses. Find a counselor who can help you work that out. You’re right. You can’t change the past, but you can enjoy the present and the future–even if your husband doesn’t choose to! YOU can!
Peace to you, Kay
. God made this life to suck and it’s even worse when you’re married to someone who hates you and everything about you. Thank God out life is short. Sorry If that’s all
I’ve got but that’s all anybody’s got.
Need prayer, for me and my wife.