After I found out that my husband had been viewing pornography, I was devastated. As I processed my grief, one of my dearest friends posed this question to me: “What did you lose when your husband looked at porn?” This is an important question. Your answers will be unique to your circumstances. What comes to your mind when I pose the same question to you? “What have you lost because your spouse consumes pornography?”
Your answer could be something that’s difficult to quantify. You might be thinking about loss of trust or broken emotional or physical intimacy. You might also need to lament your spouse’s deception, the impact porn has had on your body image, or the sadness you feel because covenant vows have been broken. (And don’t neglect external consequences. For example, if your partner has experienced repercussions at work due to their porn use, the answer could be something tangible like a source of income or a promotion.)
What to Know About Lament
If your spouse has consumed pornography, there are reasons for you to go to God in lament. For starters, you’ve been betrayed by your closest earthly companion. Through faith in Christ, Christians gain access to a loving, heavenly Father who welcomes his children to speak honestly with him about all aspects of life. Whenever we experience suffering and loss, lament is one crucial piece of the healing process.
Laments Are Prayers of the Faithful
First, many of the Psalms are prayers of lament voiced by faithful followers of God who were facing hardship. It would have been gracious for God to merely listen to these prayers in real time and He did listen attentively to each one as it was initially uttered. But he didn’t stop there. God wanted them to be recorded and passed down through subsequent generations. The honesty you see in these Psalms is meant to assure you that you are welcome to be honest with God too.
Laments Are Conversations With God
The second thing to remember about lament is that one lament will often lead to a series of conversations with God about the same difficulty. Through lament, we can experience the kind concern of God as he welcomes us to return to him not only when new needs arise but also every time our past hurts resurface. Jesus will never put a cap on how many times we can speak with him about the same difficulty.
Laments Are Distinctly Christian
Third, lament to God requires a relationship with God.
The prompts that I cover in the Victory course can be read and understood by anyone, but they allude to a relationship that we can’t access on our own terms. The type of lament I am referencing is a distinctly Christian practice. If you aren’t a Christian, I hope you keep reading! As you do, please keep in mind that the opportunity to call God “Father” is a privilege that He reserves for those who believe the gospel. God is the Father of every person who admits to being a sinner and accepts the free gift of salvation he has provided. His salvation is available to you today! Matthew 5:3 reminds us that people who admit that they need God are the ones who receive his blessing. The same God who provided us salvation when we couldn’t save ourselves listens to our laments and provides us comfort when the troubles of life threaten to overwhelm us.
Reflecting on Psalms of Lament
Scripture records laments about a wide variety of topics, including shame, broken trust, and the intense evil that exists in a fallen world. As you read Psalms of lament, ask:
- What is this passage lamenting?
- Which subjects resonate most with me?
- Which details make me think: “That phrase or concept helps me describe my situation better”?
Want to know more? We have a free, two-week Victory course to walk you through the process of grieving your husband’s pornography use through the psalms of lament.
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