Numerous Christian men I’ve counseled have shared how their Christian wives read romance novels and watch movies and shows that contain nudity in front of them, even asking them to watch with them. Ironically, these men are trying their hardest to remain sexually pure for their wives, while their wives are putting pornographic images right in front of them.
This is not a wife-bashing article, believe me. I pray this article will bring freedom to wives in unexpected ways and bring wholeness to their marriages.
When a guy sins sexually, it is his fault. He is held accountable and responsible before God. “Eve made me do it” didn’t work in Genesis 3 and it still doesn’t work today. A man’s choice to sin is on his head. At the end of the day though, I believe most Christian wives do not desire for their husbands to sin sexually, and if they knew of things they could do, within reason, to help with this, they would.
I also want to acknowledge off the bat that the majority of women aren’t visually stimulated the same way the majority of men are. So while I would never watch a movie with a naked sex scene in it (and likely, any sex scene), many women can watch this without it leading them to sin. It’s also important to note that most nudity in movies is female nudity. While a women’s bare breasts in a movie will definitely affect me, it unlikely tempts the majority of women viewers to sin.
I hope what I provide below gives women a guide to navigating what might be an unknown or confusing subject.
Sensual, nude female skin on the screen can easily tempt your husband to sin.
While there may be some rare exceptions out there, this is generally going to be true for men, whether they admit it or not. I think some men want to think they are mature enough to see on-screen female nudity without lusting, but this is generally not true. Sure, there can be debates about female nudity in classical works of art, etc., but that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about Hollywood shows and movies that sensually expose a woman’s body.
As a wife, you may be able to watch this without it affecting you. But ask yourself if it’s worth the risk of your husband’s temptation. There’s a high chance these images will stick with your husband. He may masturbate over these images later, think about them throughout the day instead of about you. He may begin to downgrade how you look physically because these fake, done-up scenes will be embedded into his brain, and he may even dwell on them while he’s having sex with you.
Most of this is not happening because he wants to, but because these images are beating down the frail door in his mind he’s tried to put up to resist them. You can judge him for this, but you have to remember God never designed men to be exposed to this sort of rampant visual stimulation on a screen. God didn’t design men to have unlimited numbers of naked, sensual, perfectly shaped bodies streamed in front of them, giving such a false picture of what sex and the value of a woman is. Such stimulation can’t simply be erased from the system. Once it enters, its damage remains. It needs to be kept out of the system altogether.
Please don’t pressure your husband to be “mature enough” to watch these scenes with you. It harms him and harms your marriage.
“Well, if she can look at it, I can too.”
A wife’s indulgence in sex scenes, nudity, and I’ll throw romance novels in here, also convinces a man that if she can look at porn, so can he. When a man tries his hardest not to look at porn, especially when he’s doing it for his wife, it usually doesn’t take much to convince him to stop trying so hard.
When your husband watches the latest Netflix show, with its now standard Netflix-share of sensual sex and naked breasts, it embeds these scenes in his brain, as well as encourages him to look at more porn later. If his Christian wife is okay with these things (and is asking him to watch with her), why shouldn’t he be okay with them on his own time as well?
Related: If you’re watching Game of Thrones, you’re watching porn.
It makes him feel inadequate.
The reason I’m including romance novels in an article that thus far has been about on-screen nudity is because it falls into the same pornographic/fantasy category. For many women, romance novels produce the same type of fantasy that a man will get from visual pornography.
Ask yourself this question: why do you not want your husband to look at pornography? The answer to that question is probably the same reason your husband doesn’t want you reading romance novels. Romance novels make your husband feel inadequate and they harm your sex life and overall intimacy. They give you a picture of romance and intimacy that isn’t real and isn’t your husband.
What happens to your reality when you invest your time in these types of fantasy relationships and fantasy sex? What happens to the grass under your feet when you’re always watering the grass on the other side of the fence? Exactly. Your reality withers up and the grass on the other side of the fence gets greener and greener. Who wants to live like that? I did for many years and it is absolutely miserable.
When Jesus says in Matthew 5:27-28 that lust is the equivalent of committing adultery in our hearts, he is talking about this. Lust isn’t the act of merely viewing a body and wanting it, it’s the thought of wanting the body, the person, the relationship, the acceptance, the validation, and the intimacy that you can create in your mind about that person. You may not be getting these things from your husband, but trying to get them in fantasy will only make things worse. What would happen if you only ate fantasy-food? Exactly: you’d die. The same thing will happen to you spiritually and relationally if you try to live off of fantasy-intimacy. This is where Jesus comes in.
Finding an intimacy that lasts.
Our spouses don’t always give us the intimacy we need. That shortcoming is something that’s between them and God. When we expect them to meet all of our needs, we can easily turn them into an idol, expecting from them what only God can ultimately give us. A lack of intimacy from our spouse doesn’t give any of us, man or woman, the license to find this intimacy through sinful avenues. And for married folks who currently find themselves in this boat, you have to ask yourself, “What do your single brothers and sisters do?” They don’t have a spouse to get intimacy from to start with!
The answer for all of us is that our primary intimacy always needs to come from Jesus. Ephesians 5:31-32 tells us that Jesus is our husband and we are his bride. It’s the same metaphor used throughout the Old Testament to describe God’s relationship with his people. When Jesus died on the cross for your sins, it not only allowed you into heaven, it sealed your value as his adopted son or daughter. It reconciled you back to the source of all love, intimacy, acceptance, approval, and validation.
The next time you hunger for intimacy, either because it’s lacking in your marriage or simply because you want to indulge in some “eye candy” or “mental candy,” go to Jesus instead. Sit at his feet, listen to his voice, and let him tell you how much he already loves you. He is the intimacy you need and his strength can and will pull you through the dry seasons of your marriage or your singleness.
Hodor!
My husband changes the channel when a Victoria secret commercial comes on tv thinking it was for me but I understand more now it is also for him. That’s great though, it keeps him closer to God than that is a greater love that we should all have for our Father. I believe that Saran is also tempting wives with these male dancers and the movies pushing the envelope with male nudity. We all need to see Satan’s hand in it all. Be strong in prayer .
Amen!!
If every man would do this stuff, and teach other men to also, it would be such a good thing for marriages, because so many so called christian men (and often even women) will sit and look at that – not just Vic’s secret stuff, but any images that show women (or men) scantily clad or naked. And when you say something, you’ll get accused of being crazy, paranoid, just jealous, insecure, controlling, jezebel, etc, etc. It’s sad that this has became such an accepted thing.
I cant believe that looking at and reading nudity/sex scenes is considered a sin. We are human and this disallows humans to be humans. Man is put here to procreate, he is always thirsty to plant his seed. The fact that he can look, watch, read and imagine other things outside of the marriage, but then only bring the real deal home – is the love. As for porn and addiction, completely different thing. Any addiction is a mental illness. Drugs/chemical, cigarettes, exercise, alcohol…treatable illnesses. Human sexuality is natural. I think this article is way outdated and wont grab attention of any modern day marriage.
One of the most helpful things I have learned about the Christian life is that all sin begins in our thoughts, which the Bible often calls “the heart.” Jesus said, “That which proceeds out of the man, that is what defiles the man. For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man” (Mark 7:20-23). No one commits these outward sins without first having committed them in his mind. If we want to grow in godliness, we must win the battle over sin on the thought level.
I guess it depends on what your source is for defining sin. If it’s the Bible, then yes, looking at or reading sex scenes in order to be sexually aroused is definitely a sin. This is not outdated advice for anyone seeking to honor God in their marriage.
Some great points, but I think you’re confusing romance novels with erotica. There’s a big difference. Not all romance novels involve sex scenes, especially Christian ones.
I hope none of you all go outside the house, because it is impossible not to see skin, or tight clothing, or a fully dressed but beautiful man or woman. This is some of the most absurd stuff I have ever read. For the author to even attempt to place blame on someone for the actions of another is ludicrous. If a grown man, a HUSBAND cant view his wife in a manner better than he would ANY OTHER WOMAN, regardless of how great that other woman looks, there is way more wrong in that marriage than just looking at some pornography and lusting after someone else.
P.S. there is nothing wrong with finding other people attractive. Its NORMAL.
But it’s not impossible to turn the head and look the other way, or look down, or up….. even to confront the seductress and suggest they start dressing modestly. Even ‘christians’ in churches are afraid to confront these people and this needs to change. Refuse to accept them and they will get real uncomfortable and many will change. Of course, strangers won’t change, but they should still be told they are inapropriate.