It’s time to address a taboo topic: female masturbation addiction. For quite a while now, masturbation has been a gray area of Christian sexuality. It is fairly “accepted” for men and rarely discussed among women. It gets to sneak around under the name “natural sexual release.” Natural is not a synonym for godly, but for the most part, we are pretty content to leave it alone. We already have enough battles to fight, no need to add another to the list.
But, ladies, this battle is worth our attention. Here are three reasons women addicted to masturbation should kick the habit, as well as a few tips to actually stop masturbating.
3 Reasons Christian Women Should Kick a Masturbation Addiction
Masturbation addiction is selfish sex.
Masturbation is very appropriately termed “self-sex” because it is self-focused. Biologically speaking, sex is the union of two people, not one. Our sex drive is a desire to have that intimate union with another person. Masturbation does not fill that desire. It is our way of saying, “It is my sex drive and I want it appeased when I want it appeased.” Sex is about surrender and giving, not power and taking.
Masturbation addiction does not honor God.
No addiction honors God. As Christians, we are not to be slaves to anything, even our bodies, which we are supposed to regard as the temple of God (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). We are commanded to honor God with our bodies. Even those of you who do not feel you are “addicted,” think about those moments you masturbate. Ask yourself if God is watching you and thinking, “That’s my child; I am so proud right now.”
Masturbation addiction does not honor your husband.
Remember, ladies, sex is about two becoming one. It is not about your husband using you and then you taking care of yourself. Whether you are single or married, masturbation can lay a groundwork for difficulty. You are training your body to respond to certain environments, stimuli, and triggers. These might be environments, stimuli, and triggers your husband either will not be able to recreate or will choose not to recreate (like watching pornography). You have separated yourself from him and, unintentionally, have limited the intimacy you can experience with him.
That being said, fighting this battle is not easy. It would be far easier to believe that this is an OK thing to do and that you will be able to recover from this later. However, sin is sin and habits are habits. The sooner you can get them out of your life, the better.
3 Practical Steps for Women to Stop Masturbating
So, how can you stop masturbating when it has become a compulsive habit? Here are some practical steps to set boundaries to keep yourself from falling.
Think on truth.
More often than not, especially for us ladies, masturbation finds its root in fantasy. Stop that chain at the very beginning by holding tight to the words of Philippians 4:8. One of the things we are told to think or meditate on is truth. Truth is, you are not on some beach island with Casanova. Truth is, you have a life in front of you that needs your attention, and a Savior who has promised to help you through it. You do not need to run from it. When we run, we fall.
Know your weaknesses.
Speaking of the chain of fantasy, know what situations tend to get you into the mindset to either fantasize or masturbate.
For some women, stress is a huge trigger. For others, loneliness is a culprit. Some women don’t necessarily have a trigger, but a certain environment is more conducive to falling. Obviously, pornography or erotica can be a trigger. Sometimes, it is something benign. Even watching G-rated movies may start your mind wandering. Sometimes it is something that can be godly! Know your weakness. You cannot always avoid it, but knowing what it is will help you “pray up” and be on your guard.
The article “The Ultimate Guide to Identifying (and Redirecting) Your Porn Triggers” is full of great tips for helping you pinpoint your specific stumbling blocks.
Do not make it easy.
Romans 13:14 warns us against making provision for sin in our lives, specifically provision for the lust of our flesh. The battle for purity is already difficult enough without making sin convenient. Make masturbation as inconvenient as possible.
I debated putting this in here because I thought it might be too suggestive. Just as I was thinking about it, I got an email from a single young Christian woman struggling with masturbation. She was guessing that a good step in the right direction would be to get rid of her vibrator. Yes, that would be a very good step in the right direction. Get rid of it. I will not speak definitively within marriage, but I believe that sex toys have no place in the life of a single Christian woman. Get rid of them, and while you are getting rid of those, get rid of anything that can be used in place of those. (If I’m talking to you, you know what I am talking about.)
Since the Garden, Satan has capitalized on gray areas, convenience, and human weakness. It is doubtful that Eve would have eaten from that tree if she had a firm belief in the truth of God’s Word. It is also doubtful she would have gone to the trouble if the tree were on the top of Mount Everest. Make masturbation your tree on the top of Mt. Everest, and stand firm on the truths of God’s Word and His desire for purity. Most importantly, though, seek His strength and His wisdom. This is not a battle that can be won overnight, and the journey out can be marked even by physical pain, much like withdrawal. You will need Him every step of the way. The good news is, He promises to be there.
“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it” (1 Corinthians 10:13).
I have struggled with this issue, because I don’t feel any guilt or shame over it. I have never viewed pornography and am pretty careful about the forms of media I partake of. I have never lusted after anyone, real or imagined, while masturbating. I know lust would be wrong, especially because I see it as so unkind to others. In fact, the one thing I am certain of as a single with no prospects is that if I found my self interested in or dating, I would have to stop cold turkey because of the risk of them entering my thoughts while I engaged in that action I have asked God to convict me if it is wrong, and to help me stop too. What happened is He revealed to me that the root of it isn’t merely sexual for me, but wanting to know that some part of my body is normal and natural because I have become so depressed by and begun to hate my overweight body. I spent many years so afraid of marriage (I grew up seeing abuse against my mom) that I allowed the easy weight gain of PCOS to happen unchecked so that men wouldn’t notice me. A year ago, God finally got through to me to trust in Him, and I admitted that I would like to be married some day. After never really having considered my sexuality before, feeling just ambivilent to, occasionally even annoyed by, the idea of sex for my entire adult life, 5mo before my 30th birthday I suddenly realized I had a libido, and a strong one. After 3 months I finally got curious enough to touch myself, and explored what felt good. It was only ever me, alone, feeling nice. I never used anything but my physical self in an actual place to feel that way: no fantasies, no images, no one real or imagined. I was confused by the fact that I felt completely no guilt, although I had heard it discussed as wrong at church many times, and felt like surely a good Christian girl shouldn’t want this, but I was and I did. But, I did see that it very quickly became something I craved to feel. Masturbation soon became a “quick fix” for depression over a body I suddenly couldn’t stand to see was so unhealthy during a short period of great stress while finishing my MA thesis and having a close friend “ghost” me in the midst of it. I don’t think masturbation in itself is necessarily good or bad, but definitely not the solution to the problem I’m facing. I talked to my mom about it and she said she thinks that I am innocent in intention because I didn’t really know if it was wrong, but still sought counsel and prayer over it, still ultimately want to please God even though I felt more confused than certain of wrong. She also said that I needed to work on stopping because it could be an addiction and self control is a fruit of the spirit. Soon after that was when I realized that the masturbation had come out of hating my body. When I realized this I felt deep remorse and guilt over allowing myself to be so unhealthy and repented for abusing my body that way. I talked to my mom again and she said she understood how it feels to know you have sinned against your own body. She said that spending more time in the Word and in prayer, relying on God for strength, will result in self control regarding my body and my physical health overall. I know shes right. Its hard, its slow going, but I know God is helping me. I think that masturbation in itself is not necessarily bad, but it usually isn’t neutral or just permissible because it is so often tied to sin or a big problem whether as a result or as a potential gateway to it. I think its important to get to the bottom of why it is a habit, because most habits come out of some other issue being overlooked whether stress, body image, relational-disconnectedness, fear, anger, depression, anxiety, etc. And I do think that self control comes out of the Spirit so relying on God is even more important than being self-disciplined. If you can pray for me to keep turning to God and stop hurting my body I would be blessed by that.
Amanda, what an enormous gift of wisdom you’ve shared with all of us here. I think MANY of us will be able to relate to hating our bodies, just as I think many of us can relate to using all kinds of good gifts as self-medication for pain. I wonder if some of the self-hatred might also be healed in safe, healthy relationships with others. It sounds like your relationship with your mom is helping in that area. If you haven’t been in therapy, I think you might really benefit from a good, safe counselor, maybe someone who’s experienced in trauma work. You already have these wonderful insights, so you’ve done a ton of work on your own already, but I’m thinking the relationship side of therapy could be so helpful as you work on reconnecting to yourself and to others. If you don’t like the thought of counseling, spiritual direction might be another safe place to connect. I do think there is something real and true about that whole “body of Christ” idea–God meets us in each other, and heals us there. Peace to you, Kay
Thanks Kay
Cris,
No, I don’t have anyone that I believe I can talk to. I would have told my sister but I’m scared that I’d be rejected or she’d be dissapointed in me. Then tell my parents. I think I’d prefer telling someone that is not my relation. My parents are known by most of the pastors in my church, so I’m even scared to tell the pastors. For fear that they might have been expecting more from me, knowing my parents. It’s all so confusing and painful. I often cry about it. Especially when I fall again after weeks or even a month of not masturbating
Hi Louisa, I would suggest finding a counselor who can help you process through what’s healthy for you, sexually speaking, and who can help you create healthy boundaries for yourself as well as support you in the new behaviors you’re wanting to create. Just being able to say the words out loud to another person is enormously helpful and freeing. Peace to you, Kay
I think you should go to another church tharapy place to get help for that.
I have been suffering from masturbation since I can remember. Although when I was a kid, I didn’t know that was what it was. When I got into secondary school, I was ten and that’s when I knew what I was doing. Later I also started looking at pornographic materials. Please I have tried and tried to stop with no solution. I know it’s a sin and I need help. None of the online groups I know are free and I need help. Please reply
Thank you for being courageous, Louisa. Pornography and masturbation thrive in dark, quiet places. In the light, everything is so much better! Do buy into the lies that you can’t talk about it. Is there a trusted friend who can help hold you accountable?
Chris
I’m in the same case…today we’ll promise each other not to do this worst thing again…and even we’ll ask each other daily that either we maintained our promise or not..
I don’t know if this is going to work out for you guys, but I’m going to tell you what I did when I had this problem, whenever I masturbate , I’d look around me and say yeah I did it again, I was always happy with it just at the age of 17, but it got to affect me spiritually, I don’t know if you know what I’m talking of ? I started having backslides in my daily activities, and my conscience grew so heavy, all these happened because of my personal relationship with God. He’s every where, I don’t have any other way to explain this but to just link it to God . I do a lot of worldly things, but because I have a personal relationship with God, I don’t hear his voice in fact I can’t say I’m a prophetess, but it’s about noticing it when you are a beloved and you do something that is just too wrong like mastutbating which is defiling the your body ( his temple ) somethings would change around you and it’d give you that instinct that you need to change. I wouldn’t blame anyone because ADDICTON is the tool that the devil is using on most people these days most especially the youths. So please create a relationship, a personal way in which you search for him and you’d see him , tell him to teach you , follow his ways they are probably some things we do that hinder our prayers, quit those things, and I’m very sure if you have a personal relationship with God, he’d give you the gift of the holy spirit, the holy spirit will show you what to do, because I tried a lot of things then, I told my pastor, I prayed hard when I discovered it was affecting me but it all seems to be in vain , not until I moved closer to God with my filthy sins and here I am, I’m cured, Don’t forget the devil is like a hungry lion looking for whom to devour
I’ve been struggling with porn and masturbating since three years ago, I used to it every night, and I used to feel like a hypocrite, going to church and yet struggling, and I used to try quitting and failed, and I tried quitting because I felt like my desires were getting worse, and then I noticed that if I went a weekend without porn, I got very irritable and had mood swings, and my addiction to caffeine made it worse. And I’ve fornicated two times and I’ve sexted but I’m ashamed of it too
But now, I’m glad that I’m three weeks free, and I don’t want to relapse and need help with my lustful thoughts
The reason I decided to quit was because a pastor came in my house and was blessing it, and told me and my sister that she felt like there was fornication there, a couple years ago, yes I fornicated (second time) with my boyfriend and no one knew, and that was my wake up call, and since then I’ve wanted to confess my porn addiction to someone but it’s like something shuts my mouth or I don’t get a chance, and I don’t want to tell my family because I’m afraid of what they might think of me, since when they found out that I fornicated (first time), one of my sisters confronted me at church and I cried, and then made me tell my mom, and then the gossip spread about that, and my aunt told me that can’t let my sister put me down verbally like she did that time and I cried (I rarely cry) because my sister’s daughter acted worse than me, yet she criticized me and I just feel like we don’t have a good relationship because I feel like trash when I’m around her because of that time
And well I need advice because I still get cravings and I don’t want to relapse
I’m sorry it’s long comment but I don’t have anyone I trust that I confess this to
Hey there. I wonder if you’d find counseling helpful? I think you might be experiencing a lot of shame and silence around your sexuality, and I think being able to talk with someone could help you with that. I think that the more we’re able to be our true selves, and allow God to love us as we really are, the more we’ll be able to make healthier choices about our sexuality, choices that are based in God’s love for us and our value to him, rather than our shame. You might also appreciate connecting with other women who are thinking about the same things. Here’s a link to lots of blogs and other resources. It’s interesting you’ve noticed that irritability when you stay away from porn; there’s definitely a brain chemistry connection that comes porn use. You might like to read about that in our free download, Your Brain on Porn. Peace to you, Kay
If he’s for you doj g bad sexual stuff than don’t be wiut him but if he feels guilty and wasn’t to deck forgiveness thsn both of ya can try to find your way togater.
I’ve been struggling real hard since I experienced sexual desires since I was 17. I’m sexually active and until now I’m 27. I have broken relationships with my boyfriends and I felt like I’m not blest while having a relationship with them. I tried to be good and ask God and promised not to do it all over again but everytime I prayed, I easily get tempted and even do masturbation all the time by myself. I felt so addicted with sex since then. I want to change my lifestyle now but its very hard for me to stop from doing this so. I felt like I have this habitual sin eversince and I’m afraid that God will not bless me anymore because I always fails Him. Please help me pray as well that I will stop my sexual drive and desires of masturbating. I want to live with Christ and become pure and holy again. Thank you.
The summary of it all is that : with God all things are possible, you have to put God first in whatever you are doing, always pray..God Is always there to help., call on him he shall set you free, I don’t know who am talking to right now but the lord said I should tell you that you are not alone.
Hi,
I’ve struggled with masturbation ever since I was about 15 years old and I’ll be turning 20 in just a few months. This is an issue that has really convicted me for years. I have a good for a few weeks sometimes a month and then I fall all over again. I pray about it, but then I fall back into the same cycle. I was able to tell a friend of mine just about three weeks ago about what I’ve been struggling with and he keeps telling me to tell an adult that I trust. There’s an adult that I’ve known since I was 8 years old, but I’m so afraid of being looked down upon that I can’t even work up the nerve to talk to her nor any adult for that matter.
It started reading a Nora Roberts book and then it went on to smut in Fanfiction (fans writing where they can make their own stories involving characters from different books, comics, TV shows, etc.). I used to write Fanfiction as well (not smut, I refuse to write smut). Fanfiction was all I ever did from the age of 14 and I when I watch anime I go into writer mode an I imagine fantasy scenarios of adventure and fun and then I read the Fanfiction and it goes on from there. I don’t know what to do. I get bored so easily Fanfiction is the only thing that can hold my attention for hours and I won’t get bored. I know I need to cut it out and the only way that I’ve thought of was cutting out the use of internet, but I need internet for homework.
I know God loves me and I know He forgives. Sometimes when I’ve prayed I’ve been crying because I’ve felt God’s love and His forgiveness. I would do devotionals and pray to God for weeks and then I just fall out of it eventually. It’s difficult for me to explain, but I really need help.
Thank u kay, the truth is that i have tried to end my life but i it has not succeded.This blog is where i feel like i am healing my wounds. Am afraid kay to talk to anyone
I fear that they will despise me thats my greatest fear.Do you think God hates me? I request that you pray for me and can u send me bible verses that can motivate me.
Lucia, God IS Love–that’s his entire identity (I John 4:8). He is not capable of hating you. He loves with an everlasting love. Your name is written in the palms of his hands. (Isaiah 49:16) God’s love for you does not depend upon what you do or do not do. God’s love for you depends upon God, always faithful, always true, always loving, your Creator and sustainer and the Lover of your soul. He delights in you (Zepheniah 3:17).
I going to continue to encourage you to find a safe person to talk with. I think you desperately need a counselor, right now, as soon as possible. You are NOT alone. You are NOT the only person struggling through.
There are safe people who WANT to help you and support you in your recovery, and who will help you to experience the love God has for you.
Please find a counselor in your area today.
I will continue to pray for you. Blessings, Kay