It’s time to address a taboo topic: female masturbation addiction. For quite a while now, masturbation has been a gray area of Christian sexuality. It is fairly “accepted” for men and rarely discussed among women. It gets to sneak around under the name “natural sexual release.” Natural is not a synonym for godly, but for the most part, we are pretty content to leave it alone. We already have enough battles to fight, no need to add another to the list.
But, ladies, this battle is worth our attention. Here are three reasons women addicted to masturbation should kick the habit, as well as a few tips to actually stop masturbating.
3 Reasons Christian Women Should Kick a Masturbation Addiction
Masturbation addiction is selfish sex.
Masturbation is very appropriately termed “self-sex” because it is self-focused. Biologically speaking, sex is the union of two people, not one. Our sex drive is a desire to have that intimate union with another person. Masturbation does not fill that desire. It is our way of saying, “It is my sex drive and I want it appeased when I want it appeased.” Sex is about surrender and giving, not power and taking.
Masturbation addiction does not honor God.
No addiction honors God. As Christians, we are not to be slaves to anything, even our bodies, which we are supposed to regard as the temple of God (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). We are commanded to honor God with our bodies. Even those of you who do not feel you are “addicted,” think about those moments you masturbate. Ask yourself if God is watching you and thinking, “That’s my child; I am so proud right now.”
Masturbation addiction does not honor your husband.
Remember, ladies, sex is about two becoming one. It is not about your husband using you and then you taking care of yourself. Whether you are single or married, masturbation can lay a groundwork for difficulty. You are training your body to respond to certain environments, stimuli, and triggers. These might be environments, stimuli, and triggers your husband either will not be able to recreate or will choose not to recreate (like watching pornography). You have separated yourself from him and, unintentionally, have limited the intimacy you can experience with him.
That being said, fighting this battle is not easy. It would be far easier to believe that this is an OK thing to do and that you will be able to recover from this later. However, sin is sin and habits are habits. The sooner you can get them out of your life, the better.
3 Practical Steps for Women to Stop Masturbating
So, how can you stop masturbating when it has become a compulsive habit? Here are some practical steps to set boundaries to keep yourself from falling.
Think on truth.
More often than not, especially for us ladies, masturbation finds its root in fantasy. Stop that chain at the very beginning by holding tight to the words of Philippians 4:8. One of the things we are told to think or meditate on is truth. Truth is, you are not on some beach island with Casanova. Truth is, you have a life in front of you that needs your attention, and a Savior who has promised to help you through it. You do not need to run from it. When we run, we fall.
Know your weaknesses.
Speaking of the chain of fantasy, know what situations tend to get you into the mindset to either fantasize or masturbate.
For some women, stress is a huge trigger. For others, loneliness is a culprit. Some women don’t necessarily have a trigger, but a certain environment is more conducive to falling. Obviously, pornography or erotica can be a trigger. Sometimes, it is something benign. Even watching G-rated movies may start your mind wandering. Sometimes it is something that can be godly! Know your weakness. You cannot always avoid it, but knowing what it is will help you “pray up” and be on your guard.
The article “The Ultimate Guide to Identifying (and Redirecting) Your Porn Triggers” is full of great tips for helping you pinpoint your specific stumbling blocks.
Do not make it easy.
Romans 13:14 warns us against making provision for sin in our lives, specifically provision for the lust of our flesh. The battle for purity is already difficult enough without making sin convenient. Make masturbation as inconvenient as possible.
I debated putting this in here because I thought it might be too suggestive. Just as I was thinking about it, I got an email from a single young Christian woman struggling with masturbation. She was guessing that a good step in the right direction would be to get rid of her vibrator. Yes, that would be a very good step in the right direction. Get rid of it. I will not speak definitively within marriage, but I believe that sex toys have no place in the life of a single Christian woman. Get rid of them, and while you are getting rid of those, get rid of anything that can be used in place of those. (If I’m talking to you, you know what I am talking about.)
Since the Garden, Satan has capitalized on gray areas, convenience, and human weakness. It is doubtful that Eve would have eaten from that tree if she had a firm belief in the truth of God’s Word. It is also doubtful she would have gone to the trouble if the tree were on the top of Mount Everest. Make masturbation your tree on the top of Mt. Everest, and stand firm on the truths of God’s Word and His desire for purity. Most importantly, though, seek His strength and His wisdom. This is not a battle that can be won overnight, and the journey out can be marked even by physical pain, much like withdrawal. You will need Him every step of the way. The good news is, He promises to be there.
“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it” (1 Corinthians 10:13).
Masturbation isn’t necessarily “self”, i.e. solo, nor is it sex. It is a sexual act that may be done to oneself or to another person. Since it isn’t sex, nor is it intended to replace sex, it doesn’t have to conform to anyone’s definition of sex. It is simply part of the sex drive, the desire to have sexual relations.
Since masturbation isn’t sex, then reason #1 fails. Since masturbation isn’t selfish, reason #1 fails again. Selfishness means to please yourself at another’s expense, or with disregard to others. Masturbation serves a valid human need, esp. in males, and is harmless and not prohibited by God. Some think that lustful fantasies are what makes it sinful, but they fail to properly define lustful fantasies, first of all, and secondly, if God thought it was wrong He would have said so, right about the time he warned us not to have sex with our pets and our in-laws. He’s not a prude.
Since having sex, having orgasms, is a healthy habit, not an ‘addiction’, then neither is having orgasms by masturbation an addiction. However, if a person is compulsive, using masturbation to alleviate emotional pain for example, that is a misuse of their sexual appetite. Most of the guilt and shame people have about masturbation is man made often by religious hypocrites, esp. if they’re males. There are some “down” feelings that occur after masturbation, among them a lack of prolactin that is in four times greater quantity post coitus versus masturbation. This chemical is what balances out the dopamine high of sexual pleasure. This naturally created dissatisfied feeling– though the body and mind has found some release through orgasm– is what causes part of the down feeling after masturbation. It’s purpose I think is obviously to prompt us to seek out a sex partner rather than be alone. It’s kind of harsh to pile more shame on people for a sexual habit that is so commonplace, harmless and one that God Himself chose to not discuss. Let’s not add to His word.
I agree with point number three, that there needs to be moderation as to devices, scenarios, romance ideas and toys. It’s the same with guys getting hooked on porn; they get conditioned to unreal situations.
It seems to me that the writer called masturbation “sin” without biblical warrant. God has given us His list of sexual taboos in Leviticus 18 and many of the things that some think are wrong, He has no problem with. I recommend going with His list which is consistent throughout the rest of the Bible.
Thank you for this post. I was molested when I was a very young girl. Because of that situation I became addicted to masturbation without even knowing what sex was. No one can tell me that it is “right” or “healthy” because even in secret, and at the age of 6, I knew that I was wrong. I was never able to talk about it, find help, or allow God to step in to my situation. I felt trapped in a never ending spiral of lust, shame, guilt, disgust, and isolation. I grew up loving the Lord, and I knew that I was trapped in was sin. It really is a battle in the mind. I had to learn to seize control of every thought that crossed my mind. What you meditate on is what you eventually do. But after struggling with it for almost 15 years of my life, I took on this wrong identity. I felt dirty, disgusting, perverted, like a freak show, permanently damaged.
BUT Ephesians 2 says, “And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins, in which you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience, among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of the flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath just as others. But God who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been save), and raised us up together, and made us sit in heavenly places in Christ Jesus”
He sees me as pure, as righteous, as a holy daughter that He calls His own. Realizing that God views me in a completely different light than sometimes I view myself has been the most powerful tool in setting me free.
Now that I’m walking towards marriage, this article helps me see that the battle for change was worth it. I want to walk into this covenant with pure and selfless love.
Sorry to write a book… I usually never comment on anything at all.
Thank you!
Dear Kailey,
I was very impressed to read your post. As a youth minister for 23 years in my church, I have been given the chance to pray with many young people,boys and girls for Inner Healing. Through a Prayer teammate called Reliving the scene with Jesus, with profound results.
I think kids,teens,and young people are looking for love and acceptance. I have many Holy kids,teens,and young people because of thief struggle and healing. I think you are right in that women are treated very unlovingly by society and even by some Christians because they think it is more ok if boys struggle with Masturbation, but if girls or women struggle with Masturbation, they are seen as not normal or thought of as freaks. They aren’t ,they are just wounded by what they’ve been through in life. There is always HOPE!
Thank you for this post! I’ve struggled with masturbation for a few years now. Not regularly, but even then, that’s enough. I know I’ve not been honoring God’s temple.
I never thought I’d actually deal with this. I hate it. I love Jesus so much and feel so sick to think about this sinful act. I keep asking for His cleansing and forgiveness. I’m 31 and single, so loneliness is a regular visitor. This isn’t an excuse, just a fact. I’ve never told anyone about this. Just recently I shared this with a trusted Christian counselor, who I hope to be my accountability person in helping me, by God’s grace, overcome.
Please pray for me.
Leah,
Thanks for writing in and being so honest (even with us ladies ridiculously outnumbered).
Two things:
1. Your comment intrigues me because I’m not certain that we define ‘masturbation’ the same way. Women may fantasize in their sleep and therefore be aroused, but as for the physical purposeful act of masturbating- I’ve never heard from a woman who does that in her sleep. Not saying that it doesn’t happen, just that I’ve never heard of it.
2. Which brings me to my second point. If you are not purposing in your heart to do it, or making a conscious choice, then I don’t know that it is right to feel guilty. Does that make sense? Many women write in asking, “If I have sexual dreams in my sleep, have I sinned?” and my answer to them is “no.” Dreams are interesting things- sometimes inspired by what we have seen that day, or by our deepest fears, and sometimes inspired by nothing at all. If you are masturbating in your sleep or having sexual dreams you are no more guilty of immorality than you would be guilty of murder if you dreamed of killing someone.
If, however, you had a sexual dream, woke up aroused and then chose to masturbate, that’s an entirely different story. In that scenario, you choose. We don’t make conscious choices while we are sleeping. I wrote a blog on this a while back:
http://beggarsdaughter.com/when-rest-betrays-us/
That being said, if this is something that is occurring often, you might want to see if there are triggers for it and if there are ways to avoid those triggers. You are welcome to e-mail me if you’d like to discuss this in a less public setting.
What do you do when you’ve been asleep and wake up realize that you’ve been masturbating in your sleep? I told my husband about this incident and he didn’t make a big deal about it. I felt guilty.
I know what you’re talking about! I’ll wake up in the morning and notice evidence on my hands, but I don’t remember doing anything. Two things trouble me about this: 1) I’ve wakened up to myself already in the act, and at that point, it’s a lot tougher to stop. It’s possible, but I more often than not have given in (and lustful fantasies are almost always a part of it after I choose to keep going). It’s frustrating knowing that just because I go to sleep not giving in does not mean I won’t be faced with the more difficult temptation later on in the night by waking up already started. It’s an issue of self-control with me as much as it is about lust.
And 2) It must be such a habit that I am doing the physical act, or at least starting it, in my sleep. The habit–actually, I’m going to use a stronger word–the addiction of masturbation has such a hold on me by this point that I will unknowing start it in my sleep. I don’t want that. That is bondage and I need Christ’s help to be free.
Get Christan tharpay for that
This is an excellent article. But I’d like to add my comment to the point: Do Not Make It Easy. On that point, I’d like to add a way of making masturbation much more difficult.
Many, if not most people are not aware of Modern Chastity Belts. Sure, we’ve heard about how they were used in previous centuries, but their current use is limited mostly to a fringe group of BDSM.
I think that is very sad. A Christian who is trying to make giving in to masturbation as difficult as possible could be helped in their pursuit of holiness by a Chastity Belt.
This is extremely radical thinking and I know that. Many people will turn back because of the stereotypical image that comes into their head, but Chastity Belts are completely safe. They are hygienic, effective and comfortable. In other words, Christians who deal with a temptation to masturbate have only one excuse in at least not considering this option: Ignorance.
I know I have a problem. I was strongly addicted when I was younger and after I got baptized I thought that I would be set free. I had someone pray for me and it still affects me, not as much as it use to and now I’m able to stop myself before I go too far but I still feel trapped. I know what I’m doing isn’t right, I’m not married and afraid of not being able to give my future husband the best because of it. I don’t know who I can talk to, I don’t know whether I am on the way to delivery or if I’m still stuck.
I am also going through the same thing. My body is so used to it it doesn’t even need much prompting. My mind wanders during lectures, tutorials and even exams (I almost failed last semester). The images we create in our head when we masturbate are sinful and there is no denying that AT ALL. We all know that it is not “godly” images that get us turned on. “Know the truth and the truth shall set you free” – John 8:32
Even though I am male, I appreciate the fact that women are receiving help in their time of need to obtain solutions. One of the important things I find in talking about masturbation is that when you start honestly talking to someone about your problem/addiction, and making yourself accountable verbally to someone you trust of the same sex, it is the start of dealing with your problem/addiction and dealing with fear of communication. Masturbation is the frustration of being lonely. I really believe that dealing with this fear of communication about masturbation, porn, fantasy and erotic fiction toughens us up as humans and christians, spiritually to face the heat of our battle and win. I am from Australia and I have done a course caled ‘Valiant Man’, produced by Dr. Allan Meyer; web address http://www.careforcelifekeys.org . I’ve personally met Allan and he is very passionate about men have inner healing and women as well. There is ia course designed for women as well. If you go to the website you find all the information you need. I know there are plenty of courses out there but few which covers it with a spiritual perspective without smokescreening like ‘Valiant Man’. In other words it is said like it is so that we are able to honestly and fearlessly face our problems. God Bless all those who are standing and facing the battle in the arena and not sitting as a spectator wishing they could fix their problem. Your victory is at hand, step by step and little by little.