Covenant Eyes exists to help people overcome porn. However, the battle against porn doesn’t start on your computer or smartphone. It begins in the desires of our hearts and the thoughts of our minds. In this article, Kristen outlines how single Christians can take their fight against porn to the next level by attacking lustful thoughts and desires. It includes practical advice on dealing with sexual urges as a single person.
With tears streaming down my face, I sat alone in my room. As a 22-year-old Christian single woman, I was battling against my flesh and the sexual temptations in my mind…again. I wanted to be pure. I wanted to fight against the lust in my life. I wanted to honor God. But it felt too hard. It felt almost impossible.
I’ve been married now for six years, but I was single for 24 years prior to that. I remember all too well the unfulfilled sexual desires that I had during that season of life. Moments of tears and struggle like the one above were normal for me. There were many times when I viewed my sex drive as a curse. I wished my desires would just go away altogether and then reappear when I got married.
I struggled with strong urges for sexual fulfillment.
As much as I wanted to throw in the towel and ditch God’s plan for sex, I decided to search God’s Word for hope and answers. Over time, God’s Word helped me understand that my sexual desires weren’t a curse, but a blessing. His word also reminded me that He would give me the grace to handle my desires until marriage happened—if it happened (2 Corinthians 12:9).
If you’re single right now, your sex drive might feel like a curse to you as well. I want to share with you some of the things that helped me handle my sexual desires as a single woman, and I hope they’re encouraging to you as well.
1. Understand God’s Design for Sex
God created sex, and it’s a beautiful thing within the covenant of marriage. God also created us to be sexual beings with desires and longings for sexual intimacy. We are sexual beings from the moment we’re born. We don’t become sexual beings once we get married. However, God’s design for sex is good and beautiful only when enjoyed in the right context.
Is thinking about sex a sin?
Healthy sexual desires are not wrong or sinful. They’re actually 100% normal. It’s not wrong to think about sex. It’s normal for you, as a single person, to look forward to and be excited about enjoying God’s gifts of sexual intimacy within marriage. However, these good desires can quickly become sinful if we turn them into lust, or use them with the wrong person at the wrong time.
God created sex to be a binding force between a husband and wife to unite them as one in marriage (Mark 10:8).
This covenantal seal also comes with intentional blessings such as physical pleasure and the opportunity to bring new life into the world.
As Christians, we must have a strong understanding of God’s holy design for sex if we’re going to handle our own sexual desires in the right way. I encourage you to read another post I wrote called “Why I Chose to Save Sex for Marriage” to help you build a strong biblical foundation.
2. Prepare for Battle
As a single person, your sexual desires may be a normal part of God’s design, but they can also be the largest area for temptation. The battle for purity is real, and it’s an intense one. We live in a culture that has totally perverted God’s design for sex and pressures us to “join in on the fun.”
Yes, the world tries to lure us into its perversion, but the battle for purity begins within the walls of our hearts. James 1:14 says, “But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust.”
Our heart is sinful and is constantly trying to carry us away and entice us towards lust.
We need to recognize our own bent toward sexual sin and prepare ourselves for this battle. We won’t win unless we’re proactively striving after holiness, purity, and a passion for God’s glory.
The best place to start is by spending time worshipping the true and living God every day. Get in His Word and allow His truth to transform your thinking. Pray every morning (and throughout the day) asking God to help you love His holiness more than you love yourself. Don’t let the battle of sexual temptation take you by surprise.
3. Make the Choice to Fight or Flee
As you live your daily life in the sinful world, you will undoubtedly come face-to-face with sexual temptation. For example, you might be innocently shopping for something online when a sensual ad pops up. You didn’t seek it out. You weren’t even looking for it. But there it is.
Or you may simply be trying to fall asleep one night when your mind is suddenly bombarded with sexual thoughts. You’re instantly tempted to dwell on these thoughts in your mind.
What does the Bible say about sexual urges?
Sexual temptation comes in all shapes and sizes and often doesn’t give us a lot of warning.
When sexual temptations hit you have two options. You can either (A) Fight it, or (B) Flee from it.
A: Fight it. Fighting needs to happen when you can’t physically get away from it.
You can’t physically escape a sexual thought in your head, so you need to choose to fight against it. You can’t escape driving through a city with sexualized billboards, but you can choose to fight it by not looking at them.
God will help you fight your temptations — you are not alone.
1 Corinthians 10:13 offers us that powerful promise: “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation, he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”
B. Flee from it. The next best way to fight it is to simply flee.
This is a great option! This looks like you physically removing yourself from the temptation. If a movie turns south, turn it off. Don’t keep watching it. If your friends start talking about inappropriate things, leave the conversation. If that phone app is tempting you towards lust, get rid of it.
Don’t wait around hoping to be “strong enough.” Get away from the temptation. 1 Corinthians 6:18 says, “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.”
4. Make Victory Easier
Fighting the battle of lust in our hearts is already difficult without added temptation. I can’t encourage you enough to set yourself up for success by removing as much sexual temptation from your life as possible. This means pitching sexualized computer games, saying “no” to raunchy magazines like Cosmo, deleting impure or sensual phone apps, saying “no” to impure movies, turning off that sensual song, etc. You get the idea.
If you desire purity and holiness, you must battle for it. It doesn’t come naturally. Get rid of extra temptation and make victory easier to accomplish. Installing Covenant Eyes is always a great idea.
I pray those four points are helpful to you as you strive to handle your sexual desires in a God-honoring way.
I know it’s hard. I know it’s a battle. But with God’s help, and strategic planning on your part, you can steer your sexual desires in a God-honoring direction.
Editor’s note: We’ve received quite a few follow-up questions to this post. Here are a few more thoughts shared by someone who was single into his mid-30s.
How to Control Sexual Desires Before Marriage
Many Christian singles wish they could turn off sexual desire like a switch until it’s time for marriage. We can’t control our desires like that. God didn’t make us that way. However, the Bible teaches that truly liberating self-control comes through the power of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:23). It’s also a discipline (2 Peter 1:6).
As you practice what Kristen recommends, both fighting and fleeing, you will learn that sexual desires do not have to be overpowering. You can desire sex without being controlled by that desire. You can learn more about this in 3 Biblical Strategies for Fighting Lust.
How to Release Sexual Tension When You Are Single
A second question I often hear is, “What about sexual tension? Where can I find relief when I’m already aroused?” If you’re following God’s plan, then you will certainly experience unresolved sexual tension at times. I certainly did.
Many Christians wonder whether it’s OK to masturbate. However, turning to porn and masturbation is not the answer! The relief from sexual tension is only temporary, and it will come back stronger than ever.
Instead, as you learn to discipline your mind to avoid dwelling on sexual thoughts and sexually tempting content, the tension will decrease. When you start to feel a build-up of tension, proactively direct that energy into physical activity, like walking, running, or weight training.
By the time I reached my 30s, I learned to discipline my eyes and to speak to an ally if I was struggling with lust. Consequently, I did not experience nearly as much sexual tension as I did in my 20s. When I did experience this, I channeled the energy through exercise and other non-sexual activities.
What if marriage doesn’t seem to be a hope for you? I’m 35, never married, never had intercourse. Statistically, 70% of women like me are single (African American). It’s easy to hold up a bench press when you’re pretty confident that’s you’ll only hold the weight for a short time, but what if you have to hold that weight up indefinitely? I am frustrated by this. I want to express sexuality in its proper context of marriage, but it is inaccessible to me, despite my years of pleading with God and trying to live obedient. I feel like I’m set up for failure without the hope of marriage one day.
Hello, thanks for reaching out. I’m sorry, I know this is a challenging circumstance that you are facing. I was single until I was 35, and it was often very lonely, frustrating and difficult. Aside from that, I often received bad or hurtful advice from well-meaning people. I’m sorry if you have also gone through this. But I hope that you can cultivate meaningful friendships in your life to help encourage you and keep you motivated to follow God. God does not promise us that he will provide a spouse or sexual fulfillment in this life. Jesus had neither! But he does promise that he will give us “everything we need for life and godliness” (2 Peter 1:3). My colleague Lisa is a single woman who has written a wonderful ebook called “More Than Single” that you’ll find is packed with encouragement for you: https://learn.covenanteyes.com/more-than-single/
Blessings,
Keith
Just wanted to say to everyone in the comments, thank you for your vulnerability. I have a similar story of struggle but am praying for everyone who posted here for extra joy, peace, and grace from God. My personal struggles have been overwhelming, so it’s really encouraging to me that I’m not alone in this. To whoever happens to read this, from a fellow sister in Christ who doesn’t have all the answers and struggles often, I wish you all the best on the journey.
I appreciate an article on this subject written by a woman. I’m over 40 an unmarried. I have given up TV, movies, music, etc to help cut down my drive. Flight is not an option when these moments hit me. The most difficult 48 hours of my life each month is during ovulation. I can fight off intrusive thoughts and keep my hands off of me, but that doesn’t stop the tension from being released… and I’m alert and conscious when it happens! My only hope at this point is menopause!
This is all complete nonsense! What gives you the right to tell us what we can do sexually with our own bodies? As far as I am concerned, there is no shame in experiencing sexual desires outside of marriage whatsoever. I happen to be a gay woman who masturbates and lusts after Samantha Fox (British singer, songwriter, and former Page 3 pinup girl), and I also don’t believe in God (I believe in reincarnation and am very secular in my beliefs). And while I don’t try to pursue a relationship with Samantha, since she’s already taken, I feel no shame at all when I fantasize about her. And besides, it’s not what you think about that’s sinful. It would only be a sin if I tried acting on my fantasies, which I don’t. Oh, and I also enjoy looking at porn every once in awhile, and never do I feel any shame for that, either. So, please, keep your preaching to yourself, will you? Leave us alone!
Thanks for sharing your comment! We welcome all perspectives, though most of our content is written from an explicitly Christian point of view. It assumes general agreement with the Bible’s teaching about sex, which is why some of our articles might seem “preachy”. However, we have a lot of helpful resources about porn written from a non-religious perspective too! You might want to check out our free ebook, The Porn Circuit.
Blessings,
Keith
Happy this has help many but as a bad seed that the Word fell on, I know God has denied me the Blood of Christ. I say this because I burn in my lust can’t get a woman so porn addiction is my only option. Will over 50 and been so long since I had a girlfriend plus never married. If you are a Christian Single don’t let the church force verses down your throat most of than would never attempt to follow, better to commit sin and repent than to be like me asking permission from God and always receiving NO for an answer as I burn in my own lust.
Hi Kristen,
I love how you actually fought your desire to do what was against God’s will for you, but I also tend to have negative opinions about this post. I just dislike how it was made out to be like a tough time for you being single for a mere 24 years, while there’s people who are in their mid 30s who are still single. I think we should be striving toward using single time as God honoring time which preps for relational years and having that extra time is good during those years but only if it’s used to serve God. Just some thoughts on the post. Only my opinion on it.
Go to a Christian dating app u might find one
Christian dating apps are full of pagans. I went on one and immediately was solicited for sex
Thanks for the article. Let’s continue to fight this urge as we honor God . God knows everything and he’s aware of the struggle we going through but he has given us the will to choose. Let’s all remember there’s a price to pay for either abstaining from sex till marriage or give in to sexual fornication. There are consequences attached to either choices also. So we’ve got to choose one and stick to it . Imagine yourself abstaining from sex till marriage,how will it feel like – no guilt, no worries , you don’t lose your relationship with God -its feels great right and more importantly the blessing that await us .
I want us to think about this for a minute. What would’ve been Joseph’s destiny if he had slept with portifer’s wife – I guess we’ll know the answer. Joseph wouldn’t become a prime minister and fulfill his purpose.
Was God aware of his sexual desires . Yes he was .
At the end Joseph got what he wanted.
This story is not different from what we facing today .
So before you give in as a man or woman ,think of what you will lose.
Today people have gone into wrong marriages because of this desire . Children have become fatherless or motherless because of this desire.
Let’s press on guys. The reward ahead of us is greater than the immediate pleasure.
Very precise and true.God bless you.
My life story is kinda complicated but reading your comment is encouraging.
This article has really helped me, now I’m calmer about it, just a little help or advice too, when you pray to God to deliver you, be intentional that you want to drop it, after crying for mercy, rebuke the spirit involved by name, eg; I rebuke you spirit of masturbation in Jesus name. This is what I did after one masturbation bout with holy anger I REBUKED IT that was the last day it troubled me, do same for porn, fantasies etc God bless you, you’ll will overcome, it also have faith
Thanks so much your words have help me to make wise decision!