Not too long ago I received an e-mail asking a specific question about lust. The man asked:
Hey Luke,
Personally, God brought me to a brick wall some years back with my porn addiction, and showed me that it had had to end, period. It felt like God hit me with a two-by-four, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He delivered me.
I have not been so successful in the day-to-day comings and goings. I can be over-scrupulous I think, which can make outings a real nightmare of self-scrutiny: “Did I just lust after that woman?” I’ve heard numerous strategies to dealing with seeing beautiful women in day-to-day life, but none of them seem to stick.
It’s not that I’m imagining myself in sexual situations with these women, and many times it’s not even a look that is intense or long-lasting.
This habit is still with me, especially when I’m tired or depressed. It functions just like an addiction. I guess you could call the addiction “curiosity”: trying to discover who the most beautiful woman is in a given place or day.
I just don’t really know a way forward.
I’ve talked to a lot of men with this problem (myself included). I believe, like David Powlison says, sexual sin is mastered at different levels. We might overcome pornography addiction but then we move to an even deeper battle of how we see women (or men) in general.
Here was my reply:
First, I want to suggest to you that asking, “Did I just lust after that woman?” is a good question to be asking. It at least shows you care about holiness. Only a heart made alive by the Spirit of God does this. So when you find yourself asking the question, let that be a trigger to remind you: The very asking is a sign that God is at work in you. Let that be a point of rejoicing for you.
Second, allow yourself the freedom to recognize the thin line between looking and lusting, but keep the two separate, nonetheless. The fact that an attractive woman has caught your eye is as natural as the day is long. “Lusting,” however, is more of an actual craving, a coveting of something. The move from looking to lusting can be a very quick one, but it is very counter-productive beat your conscience down with false guilt.
Instead, when an attractive woman crosses your path, and when you find your eyes lingering, use it as an opportunity to remind yourself of the truths of Romans 8. In that chapter Paul tells us the Spirit in us is alive because of righteousness, but the body is still dead because of sin. As long as we live in these mortal bodies, there will always be a beachhead for sin to exist in our lives. By the power of the Spirit, we can keep from indulging the flesh, but the body is not renewed until the resurrection when Christ returns for his people. Until then we “groan” in our mortal bodies for the day of Christ. Each time you see an attractive woman and feel the pull to keep looking, let it remind you of your ultimate longing, the day when Christ will totally vanquish sin. Thank him for the renewing work he has already done by awakening your soul to the truths of the gospel and giving you a new heart.
Even as I type this, I am prompted to ask myself, “Yeah, okay, but what about defeating the lust once and for all?” In reply to my own frustration, I need to remind myself that as Christians we live in the overlap of the ages: the present age and the age to come. We will and do experience freedom from the power of sin, but we do not yet experience freedom from the presence of sin. Until that day, our experiences of temptation and sin (both ours and those we see around us) are meant to be a catalyst to draw us to our ultimate hope.
Somewhere in the struggle, the more we do this, the more we will find our hearts draw toward Christ and less toward the images of women around us. Though the struggle is real and always present, the struggle becomes more and more a window for the eyes of our soul to treasure the redemption Christ has bought for us.
If you look lustful at someone that means you don’t love him/her. You should look at them for their original created value (I say this bc its easily justify lust if you say that this girl dont deserve to be kept honored, she shows every part of her)
If this don’t work out for you, if you can’t love sinners, then you need God’s love. You need to get a personal revelation of that GOD LOVES YOU ANYWAY! God loves you WHEN you sin (YEs IN THE EXACT MOMENT), he even loves you if your loved ones hurt you. He wants you to change yes but this doesnt mean he don’t love you now, THE WAY YOU ARE. Only God’s love can change you! Nothing else, no strategie, good advice, no self control, only the Truth and God’s love! You can fight sin or you can let God love it out of you. Do you want this??
A man can certainly love the woman he desires.
Wow, this was a great question and a great response from the author. The author says that it’s impossible to expect the man not to “notice” women, but that it’s an incredibly fine line before lust starts. The author is saying it’s perfectly normal and fine to notice someone who is attractive, not to lust after them.
This topic is a big one in our society. Possibly Catina or her supporters have been really hurt by their husband cheating and are still searching for forgiveness. The world, western world, media world is perverse. Even the average, good natured 13 year old girl is looking to dress provocatively. Ads, tv, movies and then every where you go you have over sexualized images to deal with throughout each day.
Men aren’t helpless, this is a Christian discussion after all. It is a powerful force on many men though, if Catina is that outraged by the discussion then she has no idea and can not relate at all. I would guess someone who knows her well could point out an area, a lust, a sin in her life that she is overly vulnerable to.
Sexual lust is powerful. I lived on a farm and one of the neighbour’s dogs were in heat, we had to tie our dog up. One day the family came home from somewhere and our dog was lying on the ground. It had tried so hard to get free to get to the female dog that it wound it’s collar like a tourniquet. It had kept trying even though the collar had tore off all it’s fur underneath and it could barely breath. I kid you not, it was lying on the ground and couldn’t even wimper or move to show it needed help. It sounded like an athsmatic. We cut it free and brought it inside.
Unfortunately, man hating attitudes will love the comparison to a dog here, they can deal with their own sinful nature. Lust is strong. The author’s comments are great help, rejoice that by trying to deal with this you can be aware of God working in you. Keep at it.
I would like to add a few thoughts that have helped me.
1 – Who is in control? Clearly when a sin, lust, etc. take hold you can dicern it. Do you like that feeling? I don’t mean the pleasure, I mean the feeling of something being in control of you?
2 – A study I read about will power on kids showed that the more successful kids didn’t so much have better will power, they had better strategies. Simply not allowing yourself to focus on the temptation was the strategy they highlighted. It works well for me.
3 – Realize that because of sins, like this one and all the others, Jesus Christ God our saviour died and was resurrected. I am saved by my faith in this gift. God says even though we are saved He punishes us for our sins and wants us to righteous. I still find myself taking it easy though, taking Christ’s sacrifice for granted, not appreciating it like I should. When I think on this I feel grateful to Jesus Christ and I want to be better, I want to do better. It gives me better perspective and I suspect it brings the Holy Spirit within me. It certainly feels that way. I have issues like the question writer though, trying to be perfect, over thinking. This awareness of Christ’s gift doesn’t lead me to those feelings, however. I don’t neurotically strive for perfection, I feel more aware, more filled with the Spirit and simply desire to be staying away from sin and obeying God’s word. Which leads me to the last thought…
4 – Power. God gave us power and love. We shouldn’t fear evil or sin, we should only have fear of God. You have power, God gave you power, stand up and use that power to face sin. A sin like lust can rob you of that feeling of power, renew yourself in it. Check my first thought, who’s in control? Hate sin. Fight it. Denounce it. Stand up and use God’s good that’s in you. You know the saying, if God’s with us who’s against us.
The fine line, is the status of the woman. If she is married or divorced, she is off limits. God’s laws are not too restrictive. Man’s traditions that add to God’s Word, will strangle you, and keep many people from entering the doors to eternal life, understand the foolishness of those traditions, yet not realizing that those traditions have nothing to do with God’s Holy decrees.
You all are strange not all men are lustful and not all women are lustful YET both genders do it granted men are more lustful then women, but to be fair women should dress appropriately not with short pants that hardly cover the butt or shirts the show their belly and bras that push out their breasts. Its not fair too say men are lustful and yet you girls walk around halve naked.
I equate this to an alcoholic asking if it is okay to drink socially every now and then at a party or special occasions just because drinks are being served. If you are addict and you love your wife, you will make your choice. Every time you lust or look longly, flirt or look at porn you are placing that action above your marriage. Finding someone attractive is a glance you couldn’t help, being attracted to someone is a verb and action on a mans part. You make a conscious decision to look that extra second to verify the face, eyes, nose, breast, legs and bottom. That took action, you consciously didn’t care about your marriage in those seconds. The sin is taking that action. Your wife is probably sick to death of your behavior and has been hurt beyond believe. Twelve Steps!!!! Don’t look at that woman, Don’t take that drink!!!!
When a woman comes to fully understand what the Bible truly says about marriage, she won’t obsess over her husband’s wandering eyes. You have drank the Kool-aid and are convinced of this unbiblical notion of one man – one woman. If you had read Scriptures without drinking that Kool-aid, you would have seen that there is nothing wrong with a man taking a second or third wife.
Hi, Daniel – I wonder how you justify your position taking the whole narrative of the Bible into consideration, instead of one verse. Read more here: https://creation.com/monogamy-bible-one-man-woman
Chris
One of the commandments says, “Thou shalt not commit adultery” Jesus said that whoever looks upon a woman to lust after her has committed adultery already with her in his heart, St.James tells us that whosoever keeps the whole law (10 commandments) yet breaks one law he is guilty of them all.
So to summarize, the human race (male and female) has committed adultery in the heart, if you say that you haven’t remember that the scriptures say, “Let God be true and every one else a liar” so either you’re lying or God’s lying and the Bible says that it is impossible for God to lie, so take it up with Him.
I read someone’s comment that all men are pigs, number 1. that’s a fallacy, number 2. Jesus became a man so I reckon your comment is blasphemous, and if you think you can wear a bikini and have no responsibility in any sin on your part, you need to search the scriptures, the biblical definition of naked is when your thighs show, again take that up with God, don’t get mad at me, I’m just the messager boy, I didn’t create the message.
Melody thank you for your candor, it does indeed work both ways, scripture proves that.
I’ll quote someone who commented, Men are pigs July 25, 2014 at 4:25 pm
I agree with Catina. I’ve HAD IT with men’s excuses ! BUT IT’S NATURAL they whine! They don’t care about scripture, just the pathetic little sausage between their legs. Until men stop acting like entitled pigs, women WON’T and SHOULD NOT respect them. Does your husband leer at other women? Next time he does this, remember an the next time you are being intitimate, grab him by the balls, look him in the eye and squeeze HARD. Then say, “The next time I catch you looking at other women I’m not going to squeeze, I’m going to rip them off. Got it, buddy?” Men are pathetic. You want RESPECT? EARN IT!
This is called hypocrisy, the language is not respectable, there are ladies and men reading this, so watch the language, the whole argument here is, “Women are perfect, men are not, don’t show mercy”
No! Jesus said that if you look at a married woman with lust, you have committed adultery with her in your heart. He never said anything about looking at an unmarried woman, and desiring her. The confusion lies with a mistranslation of a single verse in the SotM.
Wow… People are something else. We always seem to get caught up in our own personal feelings, missing the total point of this whole blog. Biblical Edifacation. Not taking out anger on one another. No one is justifying lust. People who are throwing out insults. ALL MEN ARE PIGS…SERIUOSLY? How can anyone seek guidance or confess a problem, if they are afraid they will be chastised for being flawed. Who in this comment section is without sin. I understand that people have to deal with other’s selfish and sometimes thoughtless acts. But please understand that a perfect person has no need for Jesus a Bible. LOVING ONE ANOTHER AS WE LOVE OURSELVES IS A COMMANDMENT. NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO EARN A CHRISTIANS RESPECT. We all need understanding in one area or another. So can we just keep this blog free of condemnation and taking out personal feelings on one another?
There is no need to justify lust, if that lust is not for forbidden fruit. A man lusting after an unmarried woman, is never prohibited, and therefore needs no justification. A man lusting after a married woman however is committing adultery with her already in his heart, and the only justification for him, comes through the shed blood of Jesus on the cross, and the forgiveness that He offers.
Catina’s comment from the top must be coming from hurt or disloyalty and I respect that.
But let me give an analogy for everyone to consider:
You’ve enjoyed eating foods your entire life. If you didn’t you’d die. God made taste buds. Food is tasty. But one day you decide to commit to healthier living – a new diet that will end up benefiting you long term. And you love your new diet – it makes you feel better. It’s forever. But… you’d be lying if you said your past desire for unhealthy foods is just completely gone, 100%. But you’re committed. You made a vow.
Yet sometimes in the grocery story while performing required shopping, you have a thought: “sure would be nice to taste that banana bread or cookie dough ice cream.” But you abstain because you’re committed to the diet. So was the thought sin? No. In fact you feel pretty dang good that you didn’t give in right? So how would you feel if someone came over and said, “You thought what? You’re only thinking about that tongue in your mouth! You pig!”
Victory would be turned into false guilt. False condemnation.
Would walking over to the baked goods counter and drooling over the dainties be healthy? No – that’s wrong. Likewise, guys are going to notice AND be attracted to pretty women. If that turned off, they wouldn’t be attracted to their own wives. It’s just like you can’t turn your taste buds off completely and expect to like the taste of healthy food too. Get it?
It’s what men choose to do with the thoughts that separates the faithful from the unfaithful. And men, if you have a thought about a slice of banana bread while about your normal life, don’t beat yourself up. Rejoice at the OPPORTUNITY to say “no, I’m loyal to my diet.” Even if you screw up and take a second look, stop and rejoice in the victory of saying “no, I choose to love my wife only.” Think about your diet, not about screwing up. If you think about screwing up, the banana bread only becomes more of an issue. If 500 thoughts about the bread or ice cream hit you on one trip to the store, you just had 500 times to say, “I choose to love my wife!” That’s 500 victories.
Jesus (when tempted in the desert) didn’t mourn and say, “I can’t believe I just thought about turning that stone into bread!” That would have given the temptation incredible power. He instead quoted scripture and controlled his thoughts.
We can do the same with Christ in us. As Paul said, “Who can save me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord.”
So women… if you’re husband is looking with intent to lust that’s one thing. If he’s trying to be loyal and beating himself up then you rejoice and support him in his victory. Help him focus on you and not the thoughts.
Scripture to support:
Job said “I’ve made a covenant with my eyes not to look upon a maid.” Job who was very righteous didn’t lie and say, “I don’t think the maids are hot.” He’s saying, “I’m choosing to not gaze at them and lust after them.”
Joseph didn’t say to Potiphar’s wife: “I don’t think you’re pretty.” He said, “How could I sleep with you when you’re married?” He then fled from the situation. I promise you he had thoughts, and if you think he didn’t you’re not living in reality.
King David, a man after God’s own heart, lusted after Bathsheba. It would have been victory if he saw her pretty body but turned away and thought about his wife. But he lingered. Totally different. If he had turned away, he would have been lying to say “I didn’t think she was pretty.”
Paul himself said, “the things I don’t want to do I do.” In Romans 7 he admitted to coveting. In fact, he said all sorts of coveting.
So men, if you’re reading this, let’s change the world and rejoice in victory. Don’t give the thoughts power with false guilt, and when you do fail, repent and MOVE ON. Don’t linger. You’re not alone.
King David had multiple wives, and Nathan said that if all that God had given David, were not enough, He would have given him more. He then asked him why David decided to take another man’s wife. In the context, it is rather obvious that among the things God would have given him, He would have given him more wives, if the ones that David had, were not enough for him.
Job probably ended up marrying a second wife, as it is unlikely that his first wife was still capable of bearing children at that time in her life.
Good day brothers and Sisters in Christ our Lord
Please remember to keep in mind as you use your tongue, what does the “Book of Wisdom” say:
Matthew 7:1
Do Not Judge
1″Do not judge so that you will not be judged. 2″For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you.…
Luke 6:37
“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
Luke 6:41
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
Romans 2:1
You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.
Romans 14:10
You, then, why do you judge your brother or sister? Or why do you treat them with contempt? For we will all stand before God’s judgment seat.
Romans 14:13
Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister.
1 Corinthians 4:5
Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God.
James 4:11
Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it.
We should always watch our tongue when we speak. For what speak, reflect what’s truly in our heart.
“Let he who is without a sin, cast the first stone”, remember John 8:7!
The Lord Loves us all. Lets do what a true fellow Christian would do. Lets pray for our troubled brother.
Thank you for this!
Amen!
No one mentioned Jealously ? It’s an equally addictive and destructive force that feeds on the situation (Can’t help it ?) Hmmm sounds familiar.
Enough said.
I am going to be honest with you. I believe now more than ever than no man or woman lives and dies to themselves. Whether you like it or not, you affect other people. You get to choose whether that affect is positive or negative. I found this thread because I googled the words “women hate men that lust after them”. I love the Lord and I am a woman who loves men. I have always admired men’s ability to focus on tasks and complete them. I joined the military as a young girl to be around them and learn how to relate to them. I learned alot. I am a tomboy who knows how to be a lady. I am a comrade who will fight for and with her brothers. I dealt with a similar form of lust towards men. It works both ways. I walked where these men are walking from the other side of the coin. I am free from lusting after male beauty, but I am careful not to look too long. I know what they mean. There is a separation between appreciating beauty and lusting. I have seen beautiful things in the men I have dated along with their flaws.
I can best describe myself as the woman at the well that Jesus ministered to. She was hated by the women and loved by the men. That makes church a very difficult place to belong. Even though I would never do those things again, I am still treated like an immoral woman by insecure married women. I live as pure as I can and I watch how I interact with men. I currently want to marry, but there is no one that interests me. Nevertheless, I am still approached by married men both inside and outside of the church. I am lonely because the women distrust me on account of their husbands’ behaviors. I never flirt or entertain their glances, stares or inappropriate conversation. Yet this whole thing puts women like me in the middle of the fight and on the margin of the christian community.
As a woman, I have experienced being stalked and abused by men. I still have the same concerns as the other women. For years I thought that I did not deserve a husband who would be faithful because of my sins.
It blesses me to see men try to overcome this damaging and painful addiction. It is one of the hardest things they may have to deal with in this life apart from death or illness.
I still struggle with feelings of resentment when some men approach or pursue me in a lustful way, but I go back to what the Word says about this and all sins. Religion beats people for sins that Jesus has already paid for. Love lifts them up and encourages them to move forward. Keep moving forward, brothers.
Perhaps those married women are afraid their husbands will leave them. You don’t run into that problem with polygynous wives. They willingly share their husbands, and the blessings they receive in turn, are incalculable. There is no need for a woman to obsess or get angry over their husband’s desire for another woman! This form of jealousy, is actually an act of the sinful nature that Paul spoke about in Galatians.