Not too long ago I received an e-mail asking a specific question about lust. The man asked:
Hey Luke,
Personally, God brought me to a brick wall some years back with my porn addiction, and showed me that it had had to end, period. It felt like God hit me with a two-by-four, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He delivered me.
I have not been so successful in the day-to-day comings and goings. I can be over-scrupulous I think, which can make outings a real nightmare of self-scrutiny: “Did I just lust after that woman?” I’ve heard numerous strategies to dealing with seeing beautiful women in day-to-day life, but none of them seem to stick.
It’s not that I’m imagining myself in sexual situations with these women, and many times it’s not even a look that is intense or long-lasting.
This habit is still with me, especially when I’m tired or depressed. It functions just like an addiction. I guess you could call the addiction “curiosity”: trying to discover who the most beautiful woman is in a given place or day.
I just don’t really know a way forward.
I’ve talked to a lot of men with this problem (myself included). I believe, like David Powlison says, sexual sin is mastered at different levels. We might overcome pornography addiction but then we move to an even deeper battle of how we see women (or men) in general.
Here was my reply:
First, I want to suggest to you that asking, “Did I just lust after that woman?” is a good question to be asking. It at least shows you care about holiness. Only a heart made alive by the Spirit of God does this. So when you find yourself asking the question, let that be a trigger to remind you: The very asking is a sign that God is at work in you. Let that be a point of rejoicing for you.
Second, allow yourself the freedom to recognize the thin line between looking and lusting, but keep the two separate, nonetheless. The fact that an attractive woman has caught your eye is as natural as the day is long. “Lusting,” however, is more of an actual craving, a coveting of something. The move from looking to lusting can be a very quick one, but it is very counter-productive beat your conscience down with false guilt.
Instead, when an attractive woman crosses your path, and when you find your eyes lingering, use it as an opportunity to remind yourself of the truths of Romans 8. In that chapter Paul tells us the Spirit in us is alive because of righteousness, but the body is still dead because of sin. As long as we live in these mortal bodies, there will always be a beachhead for sin to exist in our lives. By the power of the Spirit, we can keep from indulging the flesh, but the body is not renewed until the resurrection when Christ returns for his people. Until then we “groan” in our mortal bodies for the day of Christ. Each time you see an attractive woman and feel the pull to keep looking, let it remind you of your ultimate longing, the day when Christ will totally vanquish sin. Thank him for the renewing work he has already done by awakening your soul to the truths of the gospel and giving you a new heart.
Even as I type this, I am prompted to ask myself, “Yeah, okay, but what about defeating the lust once and for all?” In reply to my own frustration, I need to remind myself that as Christians we live in the overlap of the ages: the present age and the age to come. We will and do experience freedom from the power of sin, but we do not yet experience freedom from the presence of sin. Until that day, our experiences of temptation and sin (both ours and those we see around us) are meant to be a catalyst to draw us to our ultimate hope.
Somewhere in the struggle, the more we do this, the more we will find our hearts draw toward Christ and less toward the images of women around us. Though the struggle is real and always present, the struggle becomes more and more a window for the eyes of our soul to treasure the redemption Christ has bought for us.
I actually have great sympathy with the men, and I’m a woman. God created us in His image, He made us beautiful, there’s nothing wrong with being beautiful. In fact, some churches are shaming the woman’s body and making them feel they have to be ugly or else they’ll “cause they’re brothers to stumble”. People should stop obsessing and over-sexualising things. Let us love one another and have mercy. Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy. And blessed are you men for seeking after righteousness and holiness!
PS. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and so can you. Prayer can do more than you think, it’s strong and God will answer one way or the other. His Holy Spirit will reveal all to you.
This is the best comment I have seen on this site!
Looking is normal, we all look at people, animals and objects that catch our eyes. Sometimes we look at people because they look like the form that is elevated in society and shoved in our faces via advertising / casting in media, so it’s a little like seeing a celebrity in person.
However, ‘looking’ as the OP described: ‘I guess you could call the addiction “curiosity”… ‘trying to discover who the most beautiful woman is in a given place or day’ is what cuts to the core of wives.
I get that OP is uncomfortable with his actions / desires and believe me wives try very hard to be generous in this area but it is extremely painful. Why? Because at the heart of it he is comparing women’s attributes that they have no control over. He his making comparisons (no matter if unconsciously) to draw his conclusions. Why is this painful? Because wives long to have the competition ended, to believe that they were chosen and beautiful enough to stoke the fires that keep a husband attached (knowing just how visual they are) and that no one could shake their nest of security by just being ‘hot’. Actually wives need to feel their husbands find them just as appealing. It is the looking for the most beautiful woman’ that speaks of the hearts desires. Add to this that beautiful women hold power over other women and many use a man’s (especially a husband’s) affirmative glancing as an ego builder as they interpret his acknowledgment of her as evidence of her being ‘better’ than his wife.
Knowing thanks to Feldhan and covenant eyes etc. that husbands are actually wired to notice the ‘most beautiful women’ cuts deeper because now he will always be comparing ‘hot’ / ‘beautiful’ and those that don’t register. He knows viscerally which women are most appealing to him and many wives (even beautiful ones) know they cannot measure up to the constant competition for his attention. It is an appalling arrangement and I do not believe for one minute God would design in his creation such a flawed system between man and woman. Feldhan said men were designed by God this way, to only see his wife naked and issues only arise because now they see other’s skin / tight clothes often and in many places. One problem, if in creation (before the fall) they were naked and no doubt the idea was to populate they would not have had these responses to other women other than their in their nakedness. If they did then Gods design in the beginning was not for monogamy but a ‘free for all’ and I don’t think so.
Sadly, after years of ‘looking’ and glances many wives eventually learn to care about the welfare of their husbands and choose to show him respect while falling out of romantic love with him. Unfortunately this leaves her vulnerable to the temptation to crave any glance or a kind word from other men. How sad. Stupid books like The Feldhan one that create a lot of angst where it may not actually be lust related cause more harm than good. So many wives have disconnected from their husbands because they feel in competition and now watch his eyes frequently and ultimately despairing and giving up because they are more aware than ever who ‘the most beautiful woman in the place’ is and she is now more significant than she ever thought before. Three’s a crowd and all that isn’t conducive to romantic love and connection.
Luke, what would your genuine advice to wives be? If there is no answer other than ‘try to understand your husband struggles’ fair enough as I understand your site. It would just be nice to hear something truthful (if it actually exists) that can somewhat heal the utter discouragement and defeat in being a wife.
Hey there. I actually think that the answer lies in nurturing the emotional trust within the marriage. We can get so caught up in porn and the surrounding issues that we forget all about the true heart of marriage and what makes it work–and it’s not “not looking at porn!” There is way more to successful marriage than that! The very best research about how to have a healthy marriage is Dr. John Gottman’s, and he’s written a book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Highly recommended. I wrote a little bit about some of his research here.
I would also recommend that you find a counselor just for you, to help you process through the emotional pain you’ve had in your marriage. I often find that all the energy of the relationship gets turned toward “making him stop” and wives are often left to suffer along the way without a lot of support. Wives very often meet the criteria for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in porn-wracked marriages. So please find help, just for YOU. Whatever your husband chooses, you can choose to be healthy, and counseling can help get you on that road to health for yourself. I also find that groups like Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, even Al Anon are great support for spouses as well.
Blessings, Kay
Lady – what you said was exactly how I feel. I have been trying to understand all of this for a long time. I really don’t care so much about the difference between looking and lusting. Looking, admiring, glancing – whatever it is called – is hurful. When a husband looks and admires the beauty of another woman, should us wives just think,”he is looking but not lusting so it’s ok.” Because if so it’s very hard to do that. Fact is we don’t know if the look was a lusting look or not. All I know is that anytime my husband and I are out anywhere, I scope the area and I can tell you where all the attractive women (the ones I know my husband would find attractive) are in just a couple of minutes. If my husbands eyes start roaming and I can see he is also noting these same women I begin to compare myself to them. It’s automatic. Wrong? Yes and I’m getting better at not doing this. I’m just trying to understand and it’s so hard. If it’s ok for a man to admire the beauty of another woman other than his wife because it makes him feel good then is it okay for me as a wife to want to catch the eye of another man other than my husband because it makes me feel good? After all I’m just admiring the admiration of another man and it’s ok for him to admire me. I’m just confused because I find myself wanting to catch the eyes of other men when I feel my husband has not been attentive to me. When he satisfies that in me, the desire to get it from other men diminishes. So, logically, if I satisfy my husband visually, he wouldn’t desire to get that little high off of looking at other beautiful women, right? I’m little. 5’2 and 105 lbs. 44 years old. Everyone says I look younger than that. I don’t think myself to be beautiful, but I am pretty enough I guess to catch the eyes of many men since I was a teen. I loved it then, love it now. I am also a visual woman. From what I read that is not the norm. It is difficult for me because I can undress a guy in my mind immediately upon noticing that they are attractive. I have always looked at men sexually. I love the male body. People are always saying that a womans body is so beautiful that other women notice beautiful women! Yes this is true! I think the female body is very beautiful. But dang!!! A mans body?? Just as beautiful. Just as hot. Just as sexy. And let me tell you, it is a struggle for this woman to not lust after an attractive male. Like I read in someone’s reply though, it’s a choice. I have to make a choice every single day when I’m out and about. My husband agreed that he wouldn’t want me admiring all the hot guys I come across. Likewise I want my husband to not be admiring another woman. Perhaps it’s easier for me to make the right choice than it is for a man? I don’t know. I just know that I try so hard. I try my best to be attractive for my husband. I try my best to be supportive. Our sex life is amazing. I am always available for him even when I’m not in the mood and he knows it. :) I willingly meet his needs. I love it. I know he desires me. So why does it hurt me so very much when I see him watch a woman walk down the isle at the store? He never looks overly long. Its a notice, then a look, like he’s measuring her beauty or something then ok back to shopping! I would say okay okay, it’s “natural” to notice however, if he glances in a direction because he notices a woman but then sees she is unattractive, obese, too young or too old it’s an immediate look away because to go from the noticing to looking isn’t worth it to him as he doesn’t find her attractive. So then tell me please, how is the looking different from the lusting? When looking is so hurtful to the woman you say you love, why do it? And if you say it’s just natural to notice then how come when the woman you are noticing isn’t someone you find attractive the noticing doesn’t become a look which then is somehow different than noticing and looking at an attractive woman? Why not look at all woman the same way? Whether they are fat, old, young, skinny, etc. A man can notice and just as quickly avert his eyes to his wife, kids or shopping just as he does when he notices some he finds unattractive. He doesn’t stand there and admire anything about the one he finds unattractive. If my husband noticed and looked at women no matter their size, shape, skin color, hair color, etc. I would believe then that his noticing and looking is just that. But when there is a difference, and the noticing and looking is ALWAYS at the same “type” of woman it’s hard to believe that he isn’t desiring that woman more than me, even if just for that quick look. If anyone can explain the difference, I’d be grateful. My heart aches over this. I never feel like I’m quite enough…..
Well said Jeremy.
I think that women should stay off of this site unless they are struggling with lust of the eyes. Looking at a woman, seeing her beauty, is no more lust than watching a beautiful sunset. Woman is the glory of man. (That’s in the Bible). She is our crowing glory. We should consider her wonderfully made (just like God does). Through my own struggle with lust, I have learned to allow myself to “look” at a woman, but often when I do, I try to think about something wonderful that woman may possess. Like a kind heart, or a gentle spirit, or a special gift she has. “Looking” at a woman is not wrong. Only “Lusting” after a woman is sin. As for the women making comments on this site, that’s would be like us guys giving you advice about childbirth. While we appreciate all of you, please stop. It’s not helpful, and often only produces anger and false guilt. The men that are on this site are here because they love God and desire to live a holy life. These men are not the enemy, they are your brothers in Christ and they have a longing to glorify God with their eyes. They should be praised for being here, not rebuked. The ones who need rebuking won’t be found here!
Well said
Well, lusting after a married woman is wrong. Look at the original Greek used in that one verse found in all of Scripture that people use to beat men over the head on this topic, and you will find that Jesus was speaking about desiring to take another man’s wife, like what David did with Bathsheba. He was not talking about desiring an unmarried woman.
I recall one way I lost the urge to look was when my wife and I were actually engaged in great conversation, we each repicrocated our flirts, and just had a good ole time! Those days when my wife valued that more than trying to track my eyes were days I felt in love. The day she rather check her pride by monitoring potential risks was the they I lost that attention. It’s a delicate balance from both sides. Let’s help each other rather than waiting for the other to complete me first.
First of all let me say. I know how it feels for a guy to have a lustful temptation to look but also I’ll tell the truth. Guys start looking when they are young. but it’s not with lust it’s like noticing the differences of hair and eye colors as well as other recognizable features. it wasn’t this girl is prettier or that one is prettier. lust starts like cursing or any other sin when it is introduced. After I got older I really didn’t have thoughts of lust though I had seen breasts being used for breast feeding and what not. then one day I saw more of the female form than I had ever seen before and she was in a sinful act and that’s when I started having the desire for women in lustful ways and started looking at more and more lustful things. I got sucked in before I knew it was a sin. many years later I wanted to look up some things in the bible I heard when I was little because I could not remember them any more. When I started reading GOD got hold of me and I felt so bad I started feeling like I was gonna puke. I went through the house and threw away magazines, movies, cds, video games, and any thing else I thought I should not have weather it was for the sin of lust or a different sin. I don’t buy that any body can not turn from their sins. I had excuses in the past for many sins but I feel like if it is a sin peoples excuses are not gonna make it right. Any sin we have trouble with we need to stay away from the triggers and throw away as many of the triggers as we have power to. we need to stay away from movies and people that trigger us in these ways as much as possible and no excuses. When we have to be around a trigger then we need to make sure it is unavoidable and if indeed it is then we need to remember the verse. for I hide your word in my heart that i might not sin against you. which means we need to look up all the verses we can having to do with the consequences of sin and all the verses that speak about the sin we are struggling with so we can keep repeating these verses in our head until we can get out of the necessary situation and leave as soon as we can. One more thing is we all need to really understand what lust is. By all I mean both men and women. or else men will either excuse the action because they will lie to themselves about what lust is and sin any way or men will be feeling false guilt for looking at a woman even if they are just looking to see who is walking by and it happens to be an attractive woman. and women need to really understand what lust is or they will accuse a man of lust just because he glances at a woman walking by simply because he glanced at a woman she believes he finds attractive. I don’t feel this article really addressed what lust is. lust is not when a man simply looks at a girl or woman as she happens to walk by and thinks she is pretty or attractive or that she has attractive eyes or she has pretty hair and then goes back to what ever he was doing before. Lust is when a man is looking on purpose at every woman he can lay eyes on so he can see as many attractive women as possible with sexual intent or desire.lust is when a man sees a female and after he notices mentally she has some attractiveness he starts thinking I’d like to do that or this with her or thinks about sexual desires even when if he changes the sexual fantasy to some one else. lust is not just thinking oh its a woman lust is not mentally noting weather she is attractive or not. or else any one that starts thinking some one is attractive even if it is because they got to know them first is guilty. In other words it is not weather we think some one is attractive or not that is lust. lust is when we desire to be sexually with them or when we obsess over them or if we want to see them naked even just for a moment. and believe me I know how it feels to have people compliment others who they considered to be better looking and not get any compliment my self but that is not lust and it does not mean that i am necessarily universally unattractive. so every one read your bible to learn what god says and what god mean. good luck and god bless
well said
Yeah I too used to believe in the Prince and Princess fairytale until I got to discover the lust of the men. I hate it!!! I wish I was that stupid like before when I did not know anything about men and their struggle. I tell every single girl don’t get married. Men are pigs! And the irony is that I am raising three boys and I know that they will have this struggles one day. I love my husband, he has changed but I am obsessing every time we get out, did he look at that girl did he see that other one, and what about this one that is walking by now! Now I am like, whatever! I just want to be left alone!
Well, the fairy tale has ended and I understand that’s tough!
I think at this point, as women we have the choice to remain hurt princesses for the rest of our lives, chanting “Men Are Pigs,” or we can step up into our own power and freedom as women and children of God, and learn to live with reality.
The reality is, men are not pigs. They are men.
The reality is, women are not princesses. They are women.
Men need to take responsibility for themselves, and women need to take responsibility for themselves. This is often NOT what women are taught to expect from life! There’s a lot of mythology that says to women, sit on a cushion and be pretty, as if that’s going to be enough to fulfill the gift of life God gives you.
But there is, I PROMISE YOU, an amazing, wonderful world of freedom, power, and love out there when we all let ourselves be grown-ups. We feel our feelings, we trust the truth, we forgive, we choose the kinds of relationships we wish to enter and maintain, and we let go of those relationships which are abusive or unhealthy. Trust me, it’s awesome!
It was like i was reading something about mySelf. I live in Sweden, married and im a Christian. I feel för you, i know the hurt and that the trust is ruined. I would like to get some Contact with you. Maybe we can support eachother!
This book might help you, it’s about learning to be happy based on what you do in this world, not what other people do. http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
Hurtprincess
It is good that you have come to realize that the fairy tales are just that. It is not good for you to obsess over it. The only struggle I see for men, is their dishonesty with themselves and with others about the way that they are wired, by God nonetheless. If they were not wired that way, they would not be attracted to any women, and that would leave us all extinct within one generation.
If you are telling single girls to not marry, STOP IT! This is a doctrine of demons that Paul points out to Timothy. I rebuke you in the name of the Lord! This has to stop.
I understand this man’s frustration and sin. I also understand the women’s comments with there frustration. Grabbing someone by his balls doesn’t sound very Christ like or helpful. What about grace? Grace is what saved us from our sins gave us a new heart, but it’s not until Jesus comes that sin will go away. I know of women who struggle with the same thing as the man in this post does what about those women who struggle with porn? We are all created in the image of God and we are also sinful and all capable of sinning in similar ways no sin is greater than any other your husband may look at women but you gossip. The only way we can combat sin is by strengthen our bond with God and drawing closer to him fighting sin with the gospel and putting on the full armor. Being in a community of believers that have compassion for one another just as Christ did. Compassion means to suffer together to look at that person as a broken child of God who doesn’t want to be a sinner who struggles every day and we need to help them and pray and build each other up not grab each other by the balls. No one is not worthy of God’s love no matter what you have done if your a murder or whatever repent and turn from your seen seek believers that will love you and help you grow and encourage you. We are all striving for God’s heart why must we have so much hostility
T Ski
I don’t see where the man was sinning, unless he was looking at married women lustfully. He never specified whether he was looking at married women or unmarried women.
First I would like to express how grateful I am for the opportunity to engage in an open, ongoing conversation on this subject. I am a 36 year old woman and mother of almost 6 children (pregnant and due in a few months.) This is what I know… The Holy Bible teaches us that The Living God created man in His own image. He formed Adam from the dust of the earth. Seeing that it wasn’t good for man to be alone, “I AM” formed a woman, Eve from the bone of Adams bones and the flesh of Adam’s flesh. God did make Eve to be an “Help meet” for Adam. After the fall of Adam, God did speak unto Eve saying that her desire should be towards her husband and her husband shall rule over her. (Hey, that’s what it says, sisters. I’m not making this up.) If death and sin came into the world by Adam then salvation comes through Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, THE SECOND ADAM. When Jesus was crucified for our crimes he was pierced in His side with a spear. Blood and water poured out from Him. When we are born again we are born of the spirit. It is no longer I who lives but Christ who lives through me. Our consciences are governed by the Holy Spirit. It is written in the New Testament that a man is to love his wife as Christ loved the church in that He gave HIS LIFE for it. Woman are told to love their husbands as unto the Lord. The New Testament tells us that A WOMAN IS THE GLORY OF HER HUSBAND AND THE MAN IS THE GLORY OF GOD. We are also taught in the New Testament that women are not to exercise authority over men or to teach. Hhhmmm? King Lames Version. I believe what the Word of God says. Men are the Head of the household as well as the preists of their home. A wife is told to submit unto her husband. Believe me when I tell you that my friends hate me when I speak these things. But I didn’t make it up. The Word of God says it. With all that I have written thus far, would it be fair to conclude that the Almighty made man to be the leaders and teachers and upholder’s of His holy word and ways? Is it unfair for me to believe that when the bible teaches that teachers will be held to a greater accountability, that men who are called to lead the people of God are not capable of having full control over this lust issue. I am a woman and even I make the CHOICE not to lust after other men for the sake of what is written. Jesus taught that if a man looks upon a woman to lust after her he hath committed adultery in his heart already. I believe the same holds true for women. Men are the Glory of God. To he who is given much, much is expected. Am I to understand that men are being held to a lesser mental, spiritual, physical fortitude than women even though God calls men His Glory? How is it that I as a women who is not the glory of God can understand what God expects and requires of His people? Would He not give holy men the same understanding I’d not more by the power of His Holy Spirit? Men/women struggle with lust though they be married. I tell you I CHOOSE NOT TO LUST. AM I STRONGER OR MORE BLESSED THAN THE GLORY OF GOD, A MAN OF GOD? It is a choice. A struggle? I say it’s a choice. I should pray for men. Its right to do. Pray for men and women that they may overcome their lusts. Oy vey! May men walk in the STREGNTH of the calling and position of which The Almighty placed them as HIS GLORY and trample your lusts under your feet and prepare the way of the LORD! And worry not about the form of a woman but the Grand name that The Almighty calls you by which is far greater than any “high” one can obtain by casting your eyes upon strange women!
Valerie
Actually, Jesus said that a man who looks at a married woman is committing adultery with her in his heart. He never said anything about a woman looking at a man, and if He had intended to say that, He would never have used the word “wife” or the word “woman”. He would have simply used the word “person”, or He would have said “man or woman”, but He did not. Many people have added to the words of Jesus, by inserting the words “[or man]” into the text, which is blatantly wrong!
Augustine believed that we should go where Scripture goes, and stop where it stops. It does not help that the translators of our English text always use the word “woman” instead of “wife”, which is clearly what Jesus was talking about here. A man, any man, whether married, single, divorced, the husband of one or more deceased wives, it does not matter what his marital state is, if he looks at another man’s wife lustfully, he is committing adultery with her in his heart.
I think there is a lot of different opinions on here but not a lot of truth. Is it lust to analyze a person without the analyzing taking you to sexual thoughts? Or is it a judgement? Or is it something else?
Men need to understand what the root is and what idol is being served. If we quickly label it lust because it’s a familiar term and a close correlation, then we may never get to what sin it really is and if we never get there then we can’t repent fully.
I do know however, that the desire to look around at other women is substantially reduced in my heart when my time with the Lord is most consistent and intimate and that is a good indicator that it’s not good nor acceptable.
I think it is important to acknowledge that there are probably many ways to dehumanize or depersonalize people in our minds that don’t fit into the “lust” category, but are just as sinful.
You are right: men need to be far more self-aware if they are going to see past the nagging sense of guilt and really see their sins for what they are. We shouldn’t be too quick to rush to labels without real introspection and prayer.