Husbands addicted to porn are often totally ignorant to the relational carnage it unleashes on their wife and loved ones once their addiction is exposed. Being caught as a porn addict is like dropping a nuclear bomb on a relationship. Yes, it feels like a mushroom cloud. But, after a nuclear bomb is dropped, it isn’t just the immediate heat and explosion that kills people. The nuclear fallout that lasts for years causes death too.
On the night of April 26, 1986, during a poorly executed safety test, nuclear reactor No. 4 at Chernobyl began burning uncontrollably, releasing radioactive material into the atmosphere for nine days.
According to Wikipedia, the Chernobyl disaster was the worst nuclear power plant accident in history in terms of cost and casualties. At the time, it was the only nuclear disaster classified as a level 7 event (the maximum classification) on the International Nuclear Event Scale.
My brother Greg just finished reading a book about the Chernobyl disaster, where it mentioned the plutonium dust covering the city has a half-life of 24,000 years. The toxic impact from that event will last for years.
This same post-bomb fallout is felt by families, especially wives, of porn addicts. Author and speaker Vicki Tiede recently said this at the Set Free Summit, “Just because the habit is over, it doesn’t mean the havoc is over.”
I wrote a blog post in August titled “10.5 Tricks to Make a Habit Stick,” and step #9 was this:
Visualize the pain. With any bad habit, it’s worth asking the question, “What is the absolute worst thing that could happen to me if I don’t change?”
For example, if you are a father addicted to pornography, the answer to that question might be, “My daughter might catch me using porn.” Or if you’re an alcoholic, “I might kill a friend of mine while driving drunk.” If you honestly assess the possible consequences, it might act as added motivation for habit change.
A Peek Into the Heart of Your Wife
Let me give you a peek into the heart of wives who live in the blast zone. All the quotes below are real comments from our blog, shared by women who have been crushed by the havoc of their husband’s addiction.
I share these hoping that men who might currently be stuck looking at porn have a change of heart. I want them to visualize the pain they could cause and assess the possible consequences.
If you are a husband looking at porn, allow me to introduce you to your future wife:
- “He has successfully broken me down to zero.”
- “I picture those videos with her face whenever we try to be intimate and I get nauseated.”
- “My heart hurts so bad. I love my husband, even through our tough uncomfortable time. I just don’t know what to do at this point.”
- “I loved my husband but there was nothing that I could say that would change him. I remember my then 11-year-old son, wanting to call his dad one last time, hoping that there was something else to say to change his dad’s heart. I too thought, that through all the struggle, there must have been something I didn’t say that could have illuminated the truth and help him see the devastation he was creating. But he was already gone, already given over to his sin.”
- “But where does it leave me? As I found out this has been going on this entire time. The hurt, the devastation, the images, the lies, the dreams, the feeling of pain and anguish. How do I move on? How do I participate in rebuilding this marriage? How do I rid myself of the images, the dreams, and the hurt? How to I put faith into this relationship again? After all, he has never been faithful to me. Never. When does the pain start to subside?
- “This is beyond the grief I felt when my mother died. This is complete brokenness. I have no idea what to do except pray to God for mercy in my life.”
- “I am so scared. I am overwhelmed by betrayal trauma and some other issues.”
- “My husband has been involved with porn for as long as I have known him. It has caused much damage to the way I feel about myself. I do feel like I’m competing with something that I can’t live up too. I’m not skinny enough, pretty enough, sexy enough…I’m just not enough for him. These feelings of being ‘less than’ have caused me to lay in bed at night and pray that he doesn’t touch me.”
- “I feel horrible about myself. I feel inadequate. When we do have sex I have porn images running through my head and feel sick to my stomach wondering if he is thinking about me or these other women he looks at.”
Treat Her Like Gold
Husbands, this doesn’t have to be your future. Stop looking today! Whatever it takes. I’ve written extensively on steps you can take to do that. Remember, she’s a beautiful, image-bearing, one-of-a-kind, never-to-be-repeated, unique woman. She’s your wife. You made a covenant with her, your family, her family, your friends, and with your God. Go back. Watch the wedding footage. She deserves to be treated like gold.
If you decide to man-up and come clean, will there be some fall-out? Probably. She deserves time to heal and even grieve. One of our guest authors, Jen Ferguson, experienced betrayal in her own marriage and shares some wise tips for spouses who want to come clean in her article “How to Confess Your Porn Addiction to Your Spouse.” As Jen says in her article, “After you confess, you might doubt you did the right thing. But know this: Truth is always better than a lie.”
Related Covenant Eyes Articles:
As a man celebrating five years of sobriety from a thirty year old struggle I can say it worth it guys. I promise, there IS freedom. You just have to want it.
Reading comments like the ones in the post break my heart everytime…now that I’m clean and fully understand the devastation porn has on love, intimacy, trust and everything in life. We men must become men of integrity!!
As a recovering porn addict, I can tell you men have no clue what we’re doing to our relationships and future relationships. We have no clue because we’re completely blinded by our selfishness. I’ve learned over time how to see my wife through God’s eyes. This takes two things: A willingness to change and consistency. As I went to various men’s groups, I let Jesus work on my heart. He can change things around.
Today I see my wife as my girlfriend, partner, teammate, wife and lover. Am I still selfish, of course! But now I KNOW that and I’m aware of it. I like my new self and how I see my wife. She’s amazing! What’s even better is I see all the time how God will love me through her and there’s no imaginary woman, fantasy or website that can come close to this amazing love.
Bob, I love your comment brother!
From your experience, What can I do to help her recover of the hurt I’ve caused?
Thanks Kay for the recommendations, but I feel like I always have to remind him to read our books together or pray together. I’d like to see him lead the way.
I’ve/we’ve tried therapy and I had one therapist who told me to just “move on” from the porn.
He said he’ll go back to CR but I already told him two years ago what my boundaries were. I didn’t write them out, but it was clearly understood what he had to do.
He’s a total stranger. He used to listen to me and praise the kids. The youngest two get hurt b/c he’s always telling my homeless 19 yo who is prolly still smoking pot and drinking that he’s proud of her. My son whose love language is words of praise cries over this.
He’s constantly on the go now. And I’ve noticed that he drank a WHOLE bottle of wine in two months and he never drinks. We just bought it one day b/c I was sick. I hate alcohol.
I’ve printed out articles, bought books/tapes …etc. I’ve decided to let the toxic person go and give my attention to myself. He’s responsible for his recovery like you said.
Lately, I’ve just been so angry and saying words I never use. I fight depression constantly.
He’s like a robot with this emotions. He doesn’t hug, kiss me or the kids anymore and that wasn’t him pre-porn.
Just like I had to let go and let my daughter end up homeless b/c of drug use, it might come to that. For now, financially, I’m stuck.
Anne
It’s so sad to see the devastation that porn causes to relationships. Whatever he chooses, YOU choose to be well! Peace to you, Kay
I’m very sorry to hear about the devestation that has happened in your family. I was *that guy* wrecking havoc in my marriage. What it took for me was years of counseling and healing from the inside out. Porn was just one symptom of the true cancerous disease eating away at my heart and soul. Praise God that He is the best surgeon around! Thank God that he didn’t answer my simplistic prayer of immediate, overnight healing. God knew that would never last. And He knew that the level of invasive surgery necessary would kill me. Instead, He took my hand and we went deep, into the many, many deep, dark pains that drove my learned coping mechanisms like porn. I experienced God’s deep Love and Grace. The kind of Love and Grace that false gods (and even my wife) can never provide. And I learned that I had valid needs but I was totally taking those needs to the completely wrong places. This led me to trust. Which led me to risk being vulnerable. Which led me to seek Life by connecting with God and others. Perfection is no longer the unattainable bar. But why look at porn when my valid needs are now being met in God-led ways? There’s a reason why more people don’t attempt this level of healing. But I stand witness that it can be done. And it all starts with Christ.
Well, here’s an update. I’ve moved him out of my room permanently (yes, I’ve waffled and let him sleep in here) and told him next week when he has time off to move ALL of his clothes out.
He think “recovery” is just not looking up porn. I clearly laid out my boundaries of CR and a sponsor FOR life. And he hasn’t done CR but a few times.
After talking to him tonight he just got up and said I’m tired and I’m going to bed. OK then.
I’m so sorry, Anne. Recovery is really hard work, and men in our culture are taught not to know about their emotions (Be a man!), much less feel them (big boys don’t cry!). Men are also taught that it’s inevitable that they will act out (boys will be boys). Add on top of that a church culture that surrounds sexuality with shame and it’s a perfect storm. Surfing For God is a book that he might find helpful, if he’s willing to read something.
The best marriage book I know of is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman. It gets past the “not looking at porn” into the real work of marriage. Based on the best research out there, it’s well worth reading for every married couple.
Peace to you, Kay
So first he lies to my daughter and doesn’t give me the phone right away. That’s two people he lied too. Then he uses it for weeks before I find out. Then he’s reluctant to let the phone go and erases his history. So I get CE on the phone and he forgets and looks up five thing of porn before they are blocked.
He doesn’t even bring it up. FIVE relapses in 2 years and no real work on recovery.
Why should I open my heart after he’s hurt me time and time again?
What is CE
Hi, CE = Covenant Eyes (I often just shorten it)
Chris
The Bible says he who says he has no sin is a lie. True enough pornography is revealed through usage of porn sites etc. However, we all have things we struggle with unless Jesus is commenting somewhere on here. If we had a celebrate recovery for pride, for telling lies, for anger, for jealousy, for covetousness, for attitudes, for envy, for greed, gluttony etc. Maybe we could see that none of us are perfect and just as the CR counselor said “they never change”….well I guess neither will any of us bc we will never escape this flesh until we are dead.
The CR counselor (who went to jail for child porn) didn’t say “they never change” he said that my husband was blessed that I was willing to go with him b/c usually by that time, the wife has filed for separation.
The leader of my group was divorced b/c her x watched porn and still does. She said statistically, the odds aren’t in our favor.
Most of the women in my group whose hubby’s were porn addicts didn’t stop and they divorced.
I’ve given my husband ten years to quit and change. And I finally caught him AGAIN, this time at my birthday in 2014 and separated from him and said I’d be willing to stay if he did the hard work of going through CR and serious recovery.
Now he has a hard time talking about it.
The sins you listed aren’t adultery which is in the 10 commandments. His porn habit has devastated me and I’ve read articles that once the marriage is destroyed, Satan starts in on the children. Even though he has CE on his puter/phones, he’s an emotional and sexual anorexic so I’M STILL BEING HURT.
It’s a good thing we live in the state of grace b/c in the OT, adulterers were stoned…in public. That’s how serious God takes the sin of adultery.
And each time I catch him, I go through the whole cycle of PTSD, insomnia, crying, hurt, anger….I can see my life with him not changing and I don’t want to wake up in 2026 and have wasted another 10 years.
He’s depressed, tired and cranky and not open to REAL recovery and that’s what makes me hold back my heart.
I’ve warned him not to look at porn again and he did. I have to follow through on my threat.
Hi Anne,
What a very sad situation to live with for so long. It breaks my heart to hear of the trauma that you’ve suffered. I agree with you that there’s so much more to recovery than “not looking at porn.” The ability to connect emotionally in marriage is really what matters more than anything. As you’ve noted, he’s not happy either. I’m wondering if you both have counselors who are helping you to process your emotions and work on good emotional health beyond “not looking at porn?” Whatever your husband ends up choosing, I hope you’ve got good support for your own healing.
Peace to you both,
Kay
I identify with the comments of these wives. The other problem with porn users is that they lose the ability to empathize, or never had it in the first place. My husband doesn’t get the pain, if I bring it up ( even something like this article) he turns into the victim and accuses me of being unforgiving.
True repentance always leads to a husband entering the pain with the strength of new found spiritual leadership, and striving to be spiriually and sexually mature. Anything less, at its best, is just behavior modification and spiritually, relationally and sexually unsatisfying. Real change is internal, but eternally is a shift from false intimacy to real intimacy.
I’m calling an attorney tomorrow to ask about separation and how much it costs in my state.
I’m DONE.
He’s already messed up one child. She’s got an eating disorder and is living on the streets with a drug and alki problem with a BF who is in jail. And I stayed for the kids. My son was crying yesterday that his dad never praises him.
They become emotional and sexually anorexic. I bared my anger and soul tonight and asked him why does he do it? And he got up and said he’s tired and has to go get wood for tonight. He said he’d sleep in the van if we separate. Fine with me good luck, it’s going to be 25 tonight.
It’s just not worth staying IMO. Most of men (and women do it too) don’t change. I’m not going to hold his hand and say here is a list you HAVE to do to stay married to me. I already told him verbally. I had my daughter sign a contract to stay in our home and she kept doing drugs and lying to me right to my face.
That sounds like he is also a narcissist!
I can so relate to the “my husband doesn’t get he pain”. My husband has multiple times accused me of not forgiving
because I have not forgotten the times I have caught him. He never ever confessed on his own. I always had to catch him or find out and then ask. He never denied but never came clean on his own accord. The betrayal is hard and the hurt runs deep.. Been married 25 yrs and 23 of those he has actively searched out porn via internet and tv/movies.
He would have periods of faithfulness, I would build up trust in him only to be let down again and again.
Now I do not trust him and not sure if I can, makes it hard to build a relationship. I try but it seems so superficial, like a business kind of relationship instead of intimate.
Anne – please don’t lump men and women together by saying that people don’t change. People do change and refusing to believe that sells short the awesome power of God.
Before any sexual sin is exposed, the husband often engages his wife sexually in disinterested lust. She feels like a sex object. Once exposed, she finds herself living in the nightmare of betrayal. The horror is that deceitful hearts, with the aid of technology, have brought sexual into the home. Previously, it existed outside the home.
That’s not always true. My husband doesn’t have any interest in sex b/c he gets his jollies off of porn. Any sex the last fourteen years is always initiated by me.
Well, we gave my husband’s CE protected phone to my daughter b/c she moved out of state and she gave him an unprotected phone she just used for internet and she said promise me you’ll give it to mom. To back up a little, we’ve been separated in the home for 2 years now and this is his fifth relapse. I found out about the phone about two weeks after he got it. I finally got CE back on it and just got an email that he tried to look up three porn sites 2 during work.
I know the last month we got into two wicked fights. He’s still sleeping in the other room. He said he’d go to Celebrate Recovery and get a sponsor and I’d work things out but he doesn’t go and has no inclination to work on his own recovery. I’ve backed off as of two years ago.
I told him I’ll just stay married to him until our youngest is 18 b/c I’m just done. I don’t think I can ever love or trust him against b/c as soon as he gets a chance, he goes back to it. He said something about the wifi not working at work and I wonder if he got into trouble or they blocked him IDK.
He has a government job and could’ve gotten fired and he has a full time job with bennies.
He won’t got to CR unless I go and when I confront him about it he just picks a fight. I don’t think he’s really repented in his heart.
I don’t even want to confront him tonight. I just want to file for separation and be done with it. Most of them don’t quit and that’s what I was told by a PA sponsor and 2 separate Celebrate Recovery meetings.
And the I first found out at Christmas time 2006. He’s ruined all holidays and the last straw was my birthday. I does OK with CE on there, but he hasn’t gone to CR but a handful of times in over 2 years.
I can’t always go b/c I have fibromyalgia.
One guy said by the time a guy is forced to go to CR, the wife has filed for separation.
I’m so sorry, Anne. What a painful reality.
Whatever your husband chooses, I hope you’ll choose health and healing for yourself. So many women meet the clinical criteria for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in situations like this. Find a counselor just for you who can help you process emotions and live within healthy boundaries. You might also appreciate the online site Bloom, which offers all kinds of support for women recovering from marriage betrayal.
Peace and healing to you, Kay
Dear Anne. I know the pain you are feeling. I realized that after 30 years of marriage my husband has struggled with this since before we met. After I found out we too lived apart in our house. I did not want a divorce, but could not be with him, right? He was never faithful to me. He cheated with those other women. Then he almost lost his job over this and realized he had to do something. He started Celebrate Recovery. He is a changed man. He has had relapses, but he repents and starts over. Because of the changes I see in him I went to CR and by the pwer of the Holy Spirit I am a new person too. We are working side by side as CR leaders now. It has changed our marriage. The damage was done to our romantic life, don’t know if that will ever come back, but everthing else is new. So I say all this to give you hope that change is possible through the power of the Holy Spirit. But hear this: your husband has to be the one to decide it’s time to change. You can’t force him. Pray for his heart to soften, and for him to realize he needs to change. Pray pray pray. God bless you.
How to you get emails? If my husband is telling me the truth about wanting to stop then this would be something that help us I think.
Hi Kristina!
The emails than Anne is talking about are our accountability reports! If you are not familiar with our Screen Accountability and reports, I would encourage you to visit our website and try out our services for 30 days, risk free! Our software has helped many people struggling with addiction find freedom.
Blessings!
Moriah
As the spouse of an addict in recovery, this is absolutely true. However, it is MUCH BETTER to know than to keep it in darkness where it thrives and grows. Recovery can’t happen in secret. Please tell your spouse. It is harder when it is discovered. I know first hand. Still, recovery is not only possible, it is happening in my life. Thanks for the great article!