Husbands addicted to porn are often totally ignorant to the relational carnage it unleashes on their wife and loved ones once their addiction is exposed. Being caught as a porn addict is like dropping a nuclear bomb on a relationship. Yes, it feels like a mushroom cloud. But, after a nuclear bomb is dropped, it isn’t just the immediate heat and explosion that kills people. The nuclear fallout that lasts for years causes death too.
On the night of April 26, 1986, during a poorly executed safety test, nuclear reactor No. 4 at Chernobyl began burning uncontrollably, releasing radioactive material into the atmosphere for nine days.
According to Wikipedia, the Chernobyl disaster was the worst nuclear power plant accident in history in terms of cost and casualties. At the time, it was the only nuclear disaster classified as a level 7 event (the maximum classification) on the International Nuclear Event Scale.
My brother Greg just finished reading a book about the Chernobyl disaster, where it mentioned the plutonium dust covering the city has a half-life of 24,000 years. The toxic impact from that event will last for years.
This same post-bomb fallout is felt by families, especially wives, of porn addicts. Author and speaker Vicki Tiede recently said this at the Set Free Summit, “Just because the habit is over, it doesn’t mean the havoc is over.”
I wrote a blog post in August titled “10.5 Tricks to Make a Habit Stick,” and step #9 was this:
Visualize the pain. With any bad habit, it’s worth asking the question, “What is the absolute worst thing that could happen to me if I don’t change?”
For example, if you are a father addicted to pornography, the answer to that question might be, “My daughter might catch me using porn.” Or if you’re an alcoholic, “I might kill a friend of mine while driving drunk.” If you honestly assess the possible consequences, it might act as added motivation for habit change.
A Peek Into the Heart of Your Wife
Let me give you a peek into the heart of wives who live in the blast zone. All the quotes below are real comments from our blog, shared by women who have been crushed by the havoc of their husband’s addiction.
I share these hoping that men who might currently be stuck looking at porn have a change of heart. I want them to visualize the pain they could cause and assess the possible consequences.
If you are a husband looking at porn, allow me to introduce you to your future wife:
- “He has successfully broken me down to zero.”
- “I picture those videos with her face whenever we try to be intimate and I get nauseated.”
- “My heart hurts so bad. I love my husband, even through our tough uncomfortable time. I just don’t know what to do at this point.”
- “I loved my husband but there was nothing that I could say that would change him. I remember my then 11-year-old son, wanting to call his dad one last time, hoping that there was something else to say to change his dad’s heart. I too thought, that through all the struggle, there must have been something I didn’t say that could have illuminated the truth and help him see the devastation he was creating. But he was already gone, already given over to his sin.”
- “But where does it leave me? As I found out this has been going on this entire time. The hurt, the devastation, the images, the lies, the dreams, the feeling of pain and anguish. How do I move on? How do I participate in rebuilding this marriage? How do I rid myself of the images, the dreams, and the hurt? How to I put faith into this relationship again? After all, he has never been faithful to me. Never. When does the pain start to subside?
- “This is beyond the grief I felt when my mother died. This is complete brokenness. I have no idea what to do except pray to God for mercy in my life.”
- “I am so scared. I am overwhelmed by betrayal trauma and some other issues.”
- “My husband has been involved with porn for as long as I have known him. It has caused much damage to the way I feel about myself. I do feel like I’m competing with something that I can’t live up too. I’m not skinny enough, pretty enough, sexy enough…I’m just not enough for him. These feelings of being ‘less than’ have caused me to lay in bed at night and pray that he doesn’t touch me.”
- “I feel horrible about myself. I feel inadequate. When we do have sex I have porn images running through my head and feel sick to my stomach wondering if he is thinking about me or these other women he looks at.”
Treat Her Like Gold
Husbands, this doesn’t have to be your future. Stop looking today! Whatever it takes. I’ve written extensively on steps you can take to do that. Remember, she’s a beautiful, image-bearing, one-of-a-kind, never-to-be-repeated, unique woman. She’s your wife. You made a covenant with her, your family, her family, your friends, and with your God. Go back. Watch the wedding footage. She deserves to be treated like gold.
If you decide to man-up and come clean, will there be some fall-out? Probably. She deserves time to heal and even grieve. One of our guest authors, Jen Ferguson, experienced betrayal in her own marriage and shares some wise tips for spouses who want to come clean in her article “How to Confess Your Porn Addiction to Your Spouse.” As Jen says in her article, “After you confess, you might doubt you did the right thing. But know this: Truth is always better than a lie.”
Related Covenant Eyes Articles:
Well, here I read these stories and am at a loss. I’ve been with my husband 20 years. I caught him early on. He’s never been honest, never. We have the same sense of humor, I thought we were best friends. I caught him again on out 1 year anniversary. I’m a very sexual person with him. I love being with the person I love. I cannot tell you how many nights I’ve initiated, etc and was denied. About 10 years ago I found out for the 4 th time he was doing this. I told him I can’t do it. He sat our oldest child and I down and gave us both promise rings that he wouldn’t do it again. We started counseling, he started helping with everything. He became super dad. We talked regularly about the hurt etc, I told him a hundred times “if you find yourself there again please tell me. I would would pull you from the depths of hell if I needed to. After a year we decided to have another child. Things were great. I just always thought he had a lower libido than I did. I told him how proud I was of who is was, how wonderful he is. He is so kind, patient? And does so much for everyone. I found out this year it’s never stopped. I was diagnosed about 7 years ago with a degenerative neurological disease. We talked in length about what this would do to my health. I would apologize for bringing it up, tell him I’m sorry that I brought it up, I didn’t want to rub it in his face anymore. I told him 10 years ago I couldn’t handle another blow. Here I am, handling that blow. I don’t feel the same about him. I’m an attractive female and I get dressed with the door closed. I lock the bathroom. I’m a prisoner in my own home. I feel disgusting and disgusted. He had lied so many times it is insane. I am only staying for our children. I’m depressed. I used to light up the room and now I don’t want to go out. He lied to get me to marry him, have children with him, and stay with him. He’s perfect in every other way but his lies are absolutely crazy. I am resilient, strong, and believe in the scripture 100%. But at what point does God even say enough is enough. I want out but I don’t want this for my children but I don’t think I’m setting a great example by staying and not being happy. He has went to treatment, I just feel done. I have given everything for 20 years. I still love him but I want to feel different. He is truly trying but I knew 10 years ago I could not go through this again. We are active in our church, incorporate God throughout our everyday. I don’t want to hurt him either. He cannot tell the truth. How on earth can someone choose that over their beautiful wife. I feel like our entire relationship is stained with scarlett. He is truly remorseful but I just have nothing left. The one sin that is excusable for divorce is sexual sin. I cannot imagine our perfect little family not being together but I want a loyal, honest partner. I need prayers and guidance. My girls deserve a happy mom and this is so not me.
Our friends, family would be floored if they knew we seem to have it all. I am so lost and am praying that my love can be restored and I make the right decision. This is so heartbreaking.
Elle,
I am so sorry for the pain and grief you are feeling (and have been feeling for some time). It is comforting to hear that your husband is remorseful, but he needs to take an actual step towards recovery. Does he use Covenant Eyes? What about regular couples counseling? These are both steps towards healing that I would heartily recommend.
Someone once told me that “We shouldn’t want to view porn because of who we are in Christ.” If your husband truly believes that the wages of sin is death and the gift of God is eternal life, he will want nothing more than to end his addiction. As for your struggle to remain with him, you are not alone. You want a loyal partner and a happy family, and there is nothing wrong with that.
I cannot say to you, “divorce him now,” because I want you to be happy. I want God to change his heart and heal your marriage. But, I will encourage you to pursue healing through counseling, the church, and ultimately Christ. Stay strong, my friend! Be fervent in prayer and read God’s Word in perseverance. Your faithfulness does not go unnoticed by God.
Praying for you,
Moriah
My husband is addicted to porn. Its interesting he’s addicted to watching people have sex but he rarely touches me, his wife. Come to find out he has been addicted since before i even met him and he has mot been honest or forthcoming about it. Anytime ive approched him about it he gets defensive, shuts down like a loss of words or minimizes it. Im concerned. I feel it feeds his self centeredness and is very insensitive and dismissive with me. I feel like im nothing to him and the porn is more fullfilling to him then i am.
I have read all of the comments above. Some ask the question – Why? I can’t speak for others, but let me tell you why I succumbed.
I was brought up in a nominal Christian home (my mother would be horrified if she knew I said that!). I credit my salvation to my maternal grandmother, who I have been told prayed for everyone in the family every day till her death in 1981.
All through my life I have been bullied. If it wasn’t my father, who often disciplined me and my brothers violently, and only stopped when he was exhausted, it was uncles and aunts always keeping a controlling eye on us and telling us what to do. There was never (and I mean never!) any love expressed. Discipline was always in anger.
There were the school bullies as well.
After being in the Baptist denomination in Australia for the first 22 years of my life, I joined an independent Baptist church. The senior pastor can only be described as a manipulative, controlling bully. Although the teaching at the church is very good, the standard was such that you could never satisfy him. No one ever measured up. He trumpets the Biblical model for restoring relationships, but is too proud to acknowledge when he himself has offended others. That is another story altogether.
For about 20 years whilst in this church, my oldest brother was also in the same church. He was yet another bully. Frequently, the best word I can use to describe my brother’s “exhortations” for me to live a godly life would be “ferocious”. He was yet another person whose expectations of me were unattainable, and I was always, always beneath just about everyone in his estimation.
At 31 years old, one day I just gave up in my heart. I even said the the Lord, “Lord, I am going to watch nudity”. That was the beginning of my big, long spiral fall. At first it was just pictures. But then it progressed to videos and got progressively more depraved. Proverbs 27:20 says, Hell and destruction are never full, so the eyes of man are never satisfied. I have proven that verse to be true in my own life.
After 25 years in the aforementioned church, including 20 years as the church secretary, the final straw came when a man touted for the position of church elder bullied and intimidated me because I opposed his appointment to the position because I didn’t think he was suitable. He subsequently said to me that he had considered opposing my reappointment as church secretary. Read into that what you will. At this point I became so demoralised that I just blurted it all out at church one evening. I now have no ministry, no testimony, and no hope. I hate life, and I say that to myself many times everyday.
I don’t justify my actions, and as with many who have stated above the impact on wife and family, my wife and four grown children are living with the perpetual fallout of what I have done. I know that the Lord has a purpose for my life, but all I see is blackness. I feel like the leaders of the church are like the lawyers of Jesus’ time who laid heavy burdens on people and would not lift one finger to help. The church is supposed to be known for its love. How I wish that were true in practice.
I realise I have been a bit long-winded, but I hope that helps answer some questions as to why so many people fall into this insidious snare of Satan. Maybe the Lord will use this to cause many in the church to resolve to demonstrate love and understanding on a consistent and determined basis.