If you’ve discovered your boyfriend watches porn, you’re not alone. I got a letter from a young woman asking about how to deal with her boyfriend’s porn habit while dating. She gave me permission to share what she writes.
“My boyfriend has been using porn since adolescence. During college he began to seek help by attending Sexaholics Anonymous meetings and being very involved with accountability and mentoring through that organization.
We are both Christians in our mid-20s, and he has read many other books over the years and prayed so much. He was open with me about his struggle before we started dating, and explained that he was getting help, but purity would probably always be a struggle in his life.
We are considering a serious relationship now, but my question is this—I know he’s serious about gaining victory in the area of sexual purity, and I know it’s going to be difficult, but what should I look for before considering a more serious relationship with him? Complete victory (i.e. not viewing porn and not masturbating) for a specific length of time? Improvement but not complete victory? I believe in God’s power to transform his life, and he does too, but this is still scary.
Most material I find is aimed at wives, and thus encourages them to stay and fight for the marriage, but there seems to be very little material for people considering marriage. What healthy expectations should I have?”
First of all, I love that this young couple has already done a bunch of things right:
- He initiated the conversation about his struggle with pornography habit.
- He got help.
- He continued to be honest about his ongoing struggles.
- She listened.
- She educated herself.
- She’s thinking hard about her boundaries before she takes another step down the road to commitment.
That’s pretty impressive, in light of the harsh realities in today’s dating world. Let’s look at some common realities if your boyfriend watches porn, as well as some excellent questions and principles for any porn-impacted relationship.
7 Harsh Realities About Your Boyfriend and Porn
Again, these are harsh realities, but the best time to hear them is now while you’re dating–before you’ve made a more serious commitment.
1. Almost every young man has had significant porn exposure.
Christian or not—most guys have been significantly exposed to pornography. Therefore, many men you date are dealing with this on some level. Realistically, you can either date a person who’s honest and tells you about his experience with porn, or you can date a person who’s pretending. Or you’ll find someone in the 1.5% of guys who have apparently been living under a rock.
2. You can’t guarantee honesty.
You can promote honesty in the relationship by educating yourself and being open to the truth. You can’t guarantee honesty, though. You have to weigh the words you hear with the behaviors you see.
If you’re not comfortable with what you’re hearing, if you don’t understand what you’re seeing, then let yourself understand that this is a problem. Don’t proceed in the relationship until you feel comfortable and you have a good understanding of what’s going on.
3. You’ll likely need to start the conversation about porn.
Not only will you likely need to get the ball rolling, but you will also need to keep having tough conversations as the relationship continues. Women have to be strong and courageous. We can’t wait around for someone else to do the right thing. If we know the right thing, we have to take action, even though that can be scary and hard. (See my suggestions below.)
4. “Instant victory” rarely happens.
It’s a nice thing to hope for, and maybe sometimes it happens. Most of the time, though, I think you have to support your partner through a series of ups and downs as he learns to manage his issues.
How much of that you want to do while dating is difficult and serious. Individual questions need to be honestly addressed and not glossed over.
The truth is, he may not be ready to do the work, and you can’t do it for him. On the other hand, he may be working really hard and still struggling. Be real about what’s going on. Work to understand.
5. Marriage and sex won’t fix his porn problem.
He won’t suddenly stop looking at porn if you get married and have lots of sex. It’s not about you.
6. A different version of you won’t fix his porn problem.
He won’t suddenly stop looking at porn if you are skinny enough, pretty enough, sexy enough, funny enough, forgiving enough, or overlooking enough. It’s not about you.
7. Victory from porn is possible!
Porn can stop having a huge hold on his life, but it requires that he does the practical work of prevention and becomes more honest, open, vulnerable, and emotionally intimate with the important people in his life: God, friends, mentors, family, and you—if you decide to stick around.
A Few Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend About His Porn Use
Because most guys have had porn exposure, it’s a topic you really should discuss before making any high-commitment decisions. You want to know at what age they were exposed, how frequently, and what their current use is like. You’re not looking for intimate details, just the outline of the issue. Here are some questions and conversation prompts you can use:
- “Pornography use is a real issue for lots of people these days. I’ve been reading some about it, and I’d like to hear about your experience with it.”
- If the person tells you they don’t use porn and have never had a problem with it, here’s a follow-up question: “I’d love to hear how you’ve managed something that most other people find really difficult to deal with?”
- To check if they have a prevention plan, you could ask: “How do you protect yourself on a regular basis from everything that’s out there on the internet?”
- To see if they’re accountable and emotionally connected: “Who do you talk to about this? Who supports you?” “How do you think God feels about you?”
- To see what their expectations are of you: “What do you think my part should be with you in this issue?”
5 Healthy Habits for a Porn-Impacted Relationship
That brings us to two questions: What should I look for? What healthy expectations should I have?
Here are some healthy habits for any couple impacted by porn – dating, engaged, or married.
1. Take responsibility for your own issues.
You should each be able to identify and take responsibility for your own issues. He has a habit, and you have emotions about that. While he does his work, you do yours as well.
2. Understand porn’s effects on the other.
You should understand how pornography affects the other person in the relationship and have emotional empathy for your partner’s struggle. He should understand your pain, and that it takes time to work through those emotions. At the same time, it’s important for you to see him as a person with deep needs, not just a jerk who’s trying to make you miserable.
- Learn about porn’s impact on the brain.
- Learn about why porn is so addictive.
3. Have a prevention plan and a relapse plan.
The person with the porn habit has a plan for prevention and a plan for recovery after a relapse.
He’s consistently and voluntarily doing whatever he can, in terms of practical prevention: internet blocking, filtering, and regular accountability. These things should be an ordinary part of everyday life.
- Learn more about what it really takes to quit porn.
- Learn about creating a porn relapse plan.
4. Invite others into this part of your relationship.
Make sure there are people in your life who are aware of what you’re working on, and who are able to talk with you, give feedback, and offer support. This goes for both parties.
We need to bring our mess to God and to our community of faith rather than trying to hide it or pretend it away. We trust that He is with us and that our community is with us, on the journey.
5. Grow in your ability to talk about these issues.
You are growing in the ability to have normal, non-crisis conversations about how you are doing with your issues, and how the relationship is impacted.
One Absolute Guarantee
Here’s the thing: I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know what choices he’s going to make. I don’t know if you’re going to get the happily ever after that you want.
There is only one thing I know, for sure—one absolute guarantee—God loves you with an everlasting love, and whatever happens, you are safe in that love.
Knowing that, be wise, be strong, be courageous. Live in truth and freedom.
Frequent Questions if Your Boyfriend Watches Porn
Note from the editor: Since Kay’s post was first published, we’ve heard many more questions about a boyfriend’s porn use. Let’s look at a few of the most frequent questions we see.
1. Should I be upset my boyfriend watches porn?
It’s understandable if you’re upset by your boyfriend’s porn use. Finding out he watches porn may bring feelings of betrayal, personal insecurity, uncertainty about the future of your relationship, and more.
Here are a few helpful things to remember: most guys were first exposed to porn at a young age when their brains were more susceptible to porn’s addictive nature. His porn use is not about you. It likely started way before he knew you, and likely won’t stop because of anything you do or don’t do.
This doesn’t make his porn use right or even mean you need to stick it out while he recovers (if he decides to). Remembering those few things will help you have more understanding and empathy as you discuss how his porn use impacts the relationship going forward.
2. Is my boyfriend addicted to porn?
Wondering how to tell whether your boyfriend’s porn use falls into the addiction category? We go into depth elsewhere on the symptoms of porn addiction, but here they are at a glance:
- He uses porn to ease or avoid deep emotional pain.
- He has developed a tolerance that’s led to more deviant forms of porn.
- He gets angry or irritable when he can’t watch porn.
- He’ll do things he normally wouldn’t in order to watch porn.
- He’s consumed by an urge to watch porn.
- He feels helpless to quit or has tried multiple times without success.
It may be hard for you to identify these in your boyfriend, depending on your relationship. And ultimately, whether or not you call it an addiction doesn’t matter so much. If he’s watching porn consistently, at some point, it will have a negative impact on your relationship.
3. Is it normal for my boyfriend to be addicted?
There are two underlying questions here. First, is it common for my boyfriend to be addicted to porn? Again, based on the prevalence of porn exposure among guys, yes, it’s common for guys to be addicted to porn. The second underlying question here, though, is: Should I be okay with my boyfriend’s porn addiction? To this question, we’d say “no.” Porn is harmful, and it tends to negatively impact relationships where it’s present.
4. Why does my boyfriend watch porn?
We’ve written in-depth elsewhere about why people watch porn, but in short:
- It feels good.
- It seems harmless.
- Previous exposure to porn.
- Few real relationships.
- It’s used to cope with boredom, anxiety, or depression.
- It’s addictive.
- It makes plenty of false promises about important life issues.
Reading this was such an absolute encouragement. My boyfriend (whom I’ve been dating for about a year & 3 months) and I have a relationship INCREDIBLY similar to the one described. As we’re seriously considering taking the next step, engagement, it was such a comfort to read someone dealing with the same things as him and I. Don’t get me wrong, I would never wish this struggle on any couple, but it is still an encouragement. Thank you so much to whomever wrote in and also much thanks to the author. ❤️
I’m glad it was helpful to you, Jess! This is an incredibly common struggle. I would URGE you to be sure that he is taking responsibility for himself and his choices before you take the relationship further. He doesn’t have to be perfect, but he does have to be responsible. I would say that the level of secrecy and shame matters immensely: does he have close friends, a brother, a dad, someone constantly in his life, who helps him with this. And, he needs to have the capacity to care about your feelings and to connect with you emotionally. Peace to you as you go forward, Kay
My boyfriend admitted to having a sex addiction, having been with prostitutes and going to strip clubs before we met. He’s struggled with periods of sobriety and then failing, now pornography is the main issue. I know that this addiction is very difficult, he seems to want get to the bottom of what he’s compensating for and dealing with deeper issues. I want to be with him, but how/when do I know when he’s made a real enough change? I feel split like I should trust that God can heal him completely and the other half of me thinks this is something he’ll forever struggle with and may relapse over and over. Should I take it as a blessing that I found out before we got married and run?
Yes, it’s a huge blessing that you found out before marriage. I would say, separate for a period of time (6 months?) and let him work on his own healing. He needs a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. Given the level of acting out, I would say, go no-contact during that time and see what he’s able to do. Then check in to see what kind of progress he’s made and whether you want to continue to invest in the relationship–I’d say that depends on the level of his investment in therapy and recovery.
While he’s doing that, YOU work on your own emotional processing and your own healthy boundaries. Here and here are a couple of articles on boundaries. Find a counselor who can help you think about your own values and standards, and the vision you have for any relationship you form in the future.
Take this level of sexual acting-out very seriously indeed. It will not be solved by getting married and having lots of sex. It will only be solved by his hard work in therapy. And I suspect that it will take years before he’s fully recovered; he would have to work hard for a long time, I think. 3-5 years would be a benchmark in my mind.
Peace to you,
Kay
I keep coming back to these articles to help me close the circle. The popular “Porn kills love” was made true in my life. I ended the most significant relationship in my life because he was addicted and failed at achieving long term sobriety and working consistently on his recovery. I can’t begin to tell you the amount of strain and suffering this caused me in the past 3 years. He’s a good man but even though he claimed to want to overcome his addiction by his own admission:
1. Hasn’t given his recovery his all
2. Isn’t talking to someone about this
3. Has wasted too much time
This has left me with so many questions like “Did he ever love me?” “If he’s not working hard enough, does that mean that he doesn’t want me enough?” and such. He seems heartbroken that we can’t be together but I just don’t see that he’s fighting hard enough. I wen through hell to support him, but I don’t see him doing the same for me.
I’m so heartbroken to see that really good men are ruined by porn, and they won’t be able to be in a healthy relationship until they heal. I feel so hurt of having given my best to him, supported, listened, comforted and even loved him despite de dissapointment and anger, only to end up like a chapter in his life. Yes, I have learned a lot, but I do regret loving someone so much just to see him walk away. Porn really destroys love. Now I hope I can find a man that understands the dangers of pornography and strives for purity. I’m ready to be loved the way I loved.
I’m so sorry that this chapter ended as it did–and I’m also glad you were able to face a difficult reality and make those tough, healthy choices for yourself. I wonder if you’re familiar with the work of Dr. John Gottman? He’s got a great book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, which is the best research in the world on healthy relationships. Good stuff as you consider the way forward! Peace to you, Kay
Me and my boyfriend moved in together. My problem is he watches alot of porn. He mostly does it behind my back even though he knows my views on it. Normally i don’t bother, it’s something men do right. My problem is he wil leave me on bed to watch it letting me fall asleep alone. I asked him if we can watch it together and work it into our sex life, this idea did not sit good with him. I just dont get it he watches porn 24/7 but wont have sex with me. Most of the time he is like im not in the mood or not now. I did have a talk with him and he told me if i have a problem with it he wil stop but he stil keeps doing it. I feel like he doesn’t want me and dont know how to approach this problem. I was thinking of breaking up with him a couple of times but all other aspects of our relationship is good its just the porn and the sex. And it drives me insane he is the only mind blowing sex i ever had but it seems like this problem keeps coming back up. Im scared it might cause us to go our separate ways but i dont want that at all
Please run the other direction. You are worth his 100% affection. By watching porn, he is cheating on you every night. Deep down, I bet this wrecks you. If he won’t change, he’s not worth it. Give him an ultimatum. If he lashes out, then walk. You have your entire life in front of you to find a man who will love, respect, and adore you as he should. Sometimes, I can be too direct. I hope I haven’t offended you. Give him one chance. Then you’ll know.
I am actually struggling with a person trying to get over porn. It has been quite a rollercoaster. I once, was young and dated the guy that watched porn, and thought it will be over once we got married. I kept giving myself excuses that its a men thing, it wont happen to often, etc etc.
10 years down the road, our marriage has struggled due to porn. I have been strong for us. We started going to church and he has accountability, and people to help him, but no one to help me understand it, or how to forgive him or move on and look at him as a normal person again.
If you are young and in your 20’s, dont settle for less. He needs help. Mean time, keep living your life. If God has meant for you two to be together , He will bring you two together again.
It will be a struggle full of resentment if you move on with this guy. Just my opinion anyway. I am still married, fighting it, but the way I look at my husband is not the same anymore.
Please do not enter this marriage till he takes it very very seriously. Its a bad bad bad addiction to overcome it.
Ela, Thanks for speaking up here. I think you’ve addressed the biggest hole in our treatment protocol for the porn problem: support for the spouse. I hear this story over and over: the husband gets help, the wife does not. Meanwhile, many women will meet the clinical criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. If the spouse’s healing is not addressed, you’ll end up with a husband who’s “recovered” and a marriage that’s “saved,” but a wife that still has numerous symptoms that are the farthest thing from okay!
PLEASE FIND HELP AND SUPPORT FOR YOU.
Find a counselor JUST FOR YOU who can help you process your emotions and build healthy boundaries. (Read about boundaries, here and here.)
Find a group that will help support you.
Look into the online resources at Bloom, where there are forums, classes, and other helpful tools for women in marriage betrayal recovery.
Whatever your husband chooses, YOU choose to be healthy.
Peace to you,
Kay
Hello,
Reading all the encouraging comments has been helpful. Unfortunately, my boyfriend of 7years about to 8 in couple of months has opened up to me about having porn addiction since the 6th grade. I first thought he was cheating on me since he told me was tempted and was talking to coworker. As time passed, he opened up about his addiction and that he wanted to take brake and work on his issue but I wanted to be by his side and help him. He literally has no one to talk t to about this. He’s a leader at church and doesn’t feel comfortable speaking to anyone. I’m trying to find us counseling and helping block the internet from adult sites but I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. 8 years is along time and I love him dearly but I don’t know how to move forward. I’m putting my trust in God and letting him take control but my heart is broken. Fasting and praying, hoping things get better but I just don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Well, Nomi, your boyfriend has GOT to get some help to take responsibility for himself. No matter how uncomfortable he feels, or what repercussions this would have for his church role, he needs to get help if he’s serious about his recovery. He can find a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. He can find a group like Pure Desire. He can read books like Your Brain on Porn to better understand what’s going on. He can speak to trusted friends and make them his accountability partners. He needs to do that work.
You can’t do his work for him, because you’ve got your own work to do. You need to consider what healthy boundaries will look like for you: here and here are some articles to help get you started. If you want support for yourself, look at the resources at Bloom.
Frankly, you’re doing way too much work on his problem right now, and he needs to take over his problem and do his work himself. Even God is not going to take your boyfriend’s work over! He has a free will, and he needs to start using it in healthy directions.
Peace to you,
Kay
I am 24 and my boyfriend of 5 years is 26, he has the same problem. He started watching porn at a young age and just recently relapsed. I used to handle this problem absolutely terribly but throughout the years i’ve prayed long and hard for God to help me transform and handle it properly. We both have a lot of faith in God. That has helped me a lot over the years. He seems to want to stop, however hasn’t completed kicked his habit. We speak of marriage but I fear of the commitment solely because of the porn usage. I don’t want that to be a part of our future, especially because we both hope to have kids together after marriage. Porn has had a terrible impact on my trust for him; I’m fearful to leave him alone in the house because i’m so scared of it. Obviously over the years i’ve worked through this but it’s a slow process. I don’t want to break up with him but sometimes his issue with porn makes me second guess myself. I wonder if this is “normal”. It’s definitely taken a toll on my mental and emotional health, but i’m working through this as well. I feel as though I have nobody to talk to about his problem so I pray mostly all day long. He seems to do well for a while, and then has a relapse which makes it feel like were back at square one. I’m trying to be strong for him now and support him. I need support as well though. He used to lie about it until i’d pry it out of him and now when It occasionally occurs, he is open and honest which i’m thankful for. He has admitted to being addicted to this terrible habit and I can see he is trying hard and feels guilty and very embarrassed about his problem. I think he may be interested in having a blocker on his phone but I want him to suggest it because I want to KNOW he wants to permanently stop. Am I doing the right things to help him and support him? What more can we do? Separately and together? I love him dearly and don’t want to give up on him but I need him to face his demons and help himself, so our relationship can be solidified.
Hello, Anonymous – I can sense the struggle in your post. I can also sense how much you want this to work. But, he has to want it more. Yes, it’s good to love him and support him through this, but he has to bring every asset to bear on defeating this monster before he’s fit to marry you. You’re ending statement about “I need him to face his demons and help himself” is true. He won’t be able to do it alone – few, few men can defeat porn alone (I was not one of them). It’s a full-fledged battle. Bring God. Bring The Word. Bring an accountability partner. Bring a ticked-off attitude of “I will not allow this to rule over me!!” every morning. That’s what it takes. But, it’s his decision. It’s not “well, I might be interested in a blocker for my phone.” Instead, it’s something like, “I’ll do whatever I need to do to my phone! If that means a “dumb phone” for a while until I’m stronger, then so be it. If that means Covenant Eyes, and turning over all control for my phone’s settings and controls to an accountability partner, then that’s what I’ll do.” There’s no “kinda” when it comes to defeating porn. If he “kinda” wants to stop, then he will fail.
For you, my friend, be strong. Do not enter marriage until he starts to take this seriously.
Peace, Chris
Thanks for opening up this conversation about porn for women who are not yet married.
Two days ago I found out that my boyfriend has been watching porn all throughout our relationship.. we’ve only been dating for 5 months but talking for a year. Since I found out I have struggled with a heap of emotions.. insecurities and doubts. We are both Christians striving to maintain purity in our dating relationship.. but now this brings so much more confusion. He has told me that he’s going to stop.. in fact promised.. but part of me has such a hard time trusting that. I feel like he’s so weak… but I care about him so much that I don’t want to just run out of his life in this shameful moment. What do I do? I really love him.
Hi Mary,
I’m so sorry. This is such a difficult issue to face.
I think it’s important for both of you to realize that your boyfriend is unlikely to quit porn on his own. He needs accountability on his devices. He needs friends and family he can be honest with. He might need a group, or even a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, depending on his level of use. Most of all, he needs to take responsibility for these things himself.
If he doesn’t take any of those steps, then you’re wise to doubt! We can only trust people who are trustworthy, and we only know if people are trustworthy by their trustworthy behavior over time. He needs to start being trustworthy in this now, and continue to be trustworthy going forward. No matter how much we love someone, if we can’t also trust them the relationship won’t be viable. Marriage will not solve this problem, and it will be much, much harder to extricate yourself from marriage than from a dating relationship. It’s very important that he take responsibility for this now, work on his own recover now, rather than waiting for marriage.
After I wrote this article, I got so many questions that I decided to expand this into a short ebook with more ideas and conversation-starters. I won’t tell you what to do (and I think some people find that frustrating!) but you’re the person in the relationship, so you’re the only one who can decide if he’s doing his part and you’re feeling okay to continue the relationship.
If you need more help, you might want to find a counselor for yourself, someone who can help you process emotions and work on what’s healthy and right for you.
Be honest with yourself. Know your own boundaries. Trust yourself. Get more help if you need it!
Let me know if that helps, and if you have further questions. Kay
This is very hard for me and has been for months. I caught my boyfriend watching porn; not once or twice, but three times. The 1st time was horrible. I told him how I felt about porn. My ex husband use to watch it and make me do things I didn’t want to do; so porn brings me very bad memories (psychological trauma). My boyfriend cried and told me he loves me and that he would never watch it again. I went on with life; didn’t lose any sleep over the matter. After about 5 or 6 months later I had this gut feeling that something wasn’t right after seeing a different email address that was sync’d on his cell phone. I asked him about it and he acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about and soon erased the email address. I started investigating his phone and gmail account and long and behold I found all the evidence I needed to confirm my suspicions. He had been lying to me for 9 months (the entire time we started dating). I was crushed and hurt. He said he was going to get a phone with no internet and that he would get help. I wanted to believe him, but days passed and I noticed he never sought the help he promised he would get. Well, about 1 month ago I caught him again looking at porn and I about lost it. Things heated up and things were not pretty. He finally admitted to me that he has been exposed to porn since the age of 7. His mom would go party and leave him with some woman, who was a stripper, and made him watch porn. And when he didn’t want to she would say, “what you don’t like woman?” Then he mentioned that he saw his younger sister get molested; the molester then knocked him out when he asked, “What are you doing to my sister?” I did not know this about my boyfriend. I have been through a lot growing up and evidently my boyfriend has to. I have been traumatized through all this. I don’t know how to deal with all this. I am so hurt. I hurt for him too. I just don’t know that he will ever get over this. I don’t know that I can get over the hurt.
We have sought help through our church and they recommended counseling and getting connected to a Life Group. I don’t know that I want to. I am meeting someone from one of the Life Groups at my church and I am scared. Sometimes I want to throw in the towel because I am afraid to fight this battle with him. I know that sounds selfish, but it’s the truth. I hate that I found out the way I did; rather than him tell me the truth I had to play detective and catch him red handed. He is trying to work on it. My boyfriend has already began to get connected with a guy from our church. I know he loves me, but I am skeptical and maybe it’s the trust issue. What should I do?
I’m so, so sorry Veronica.
The truth is, this is not a battle you can fight with him.
HE HAS TO FIGHT THIS BATTLE HIMSELF.
You have described a very significant sexual abuse history that he needs to deal with. He need to find a counselor who can help him process those childhood experiences, and the impact those experiences are making on his present choices. And he has to figure out how to cope with himself without the crutch of porn. Getting connected with an accountability partner or friend is good, but he needs professional help.
Meanwhile, I want to make sure that you have help processing your own pain with a counselor just for you. You might also want to find a group. And there’s a great online community called Bloom with classes and all sorts of resources that may be helpful to you in your recovery.
Peace, Kay
Peace, Kay