Jessica met Brad through a young professionals group at her church and had been going out with him for several weeks. One evening while having coffee with Brad, he confessed to her that he currently struggles with pornography and is trying really hard to stop.
Jessica wasn’t sure how to process this shocking information and went home with a conflicted heart. She hated the thought of Brad viewing pornography, but didn’t know if it was a big enough deal to end the relationship.
What would you do if you were Jessica? How harmful is pornography to a developing relationship? Is it wise for a single woman to date or court a guy who has a habit of viewing porn?
A recent survey found that 75% of young Christian men (18-30 years old) view porn at least “several times a month,” and 61% say at least “several times a week.” Sadly, what those statistics tell single women is that 3 out of the 4 Christian guys they meet struggle with porn on a regular basis.
How un-dealt-with porn problems can harm one’s future marriage.
Although some single women take the boys-will-be-boys approach to porn, modern statistics show us that it’s not that simple. In 2002, at a meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, the divorce attorneys present said over half (56%) of their cases involved one party having “an obsessive interest in pornographic websites.” Porn is destroying thousands of marriages because it’s the type if sin that always promises satisfaction with “just one more look.” It creates an ever-growing wedge between the physical and emotional intimacy of the husband and wife.
As Luke Gilkerson points out, “Pornography doesn’t teach men to serve, honor, and cherish their wives in a way that fosters romance. Pornography trains men to be consumers, to treat sex as a commodity, to think about sex as something on-tap and made-to-order.” Dr. Mary Anne Layden agrees: porn is “toxic miseducation about sex and relationships.”
Porn destroys relationships because it replaces real-life intimacy with a selfish, lust-saturated version of sex. It replaces real-life relationships with a one-way, pleasure-on-demand, non-committal act that treats women as lust satisfying objects.
Why getting married doesn’t “make it go away.”
Some unmarried women think their boyfriend’s porn struggle will simply go away once they have access to sexual intimacy in marriage. However, this has proven to be false by countless marriage testimonies. If a man or woman views marriage as a porn-replacement they will be very disappointed. Why? Because marriage satisfies a sex drive, not a porn drive. Porn is lust-driven and getting married doesn’t automatically make the lust-filled heart go away. It might appear to help the problem at first, but before long, it will come back.
Porn is an addictive sin that will not be satisfied long term with any alternatives, including marriage. Unless this sin is repented of and dealt with from the root up, it will always come back.
While your man may be honest about his struggle, he may not have disclosed the depth or extent of the problem.
Although Brad appeared to be open and honest about his porn struggle to Jessica, objects in the mirror are often larger than they appear. So often a porn addiction is just the tip of the iceberg. There may be many deep-rooted issues and a convoluted view of love and sex.
If your boyfriend admits to having a problem with porn, I would encourage you to find out more. Ask him good questions to understand more fully the extent of his struggle. When did you first view porn? How often have you viewed porn since then? Did you grow up in a home with porn? What kind of porn do you currently view? How harmful do you think porn is to a marriage? What are you doing, if anything, to find freedom from porn?
Understanding the depth and extent of his porn struggle is very important in helping you know how to handle the situation.
So should a woman date a guy who struggles with porn?
I have only scratched the surface on the extreme problems and issues that arise from messing with porn. My advice to women like Jessica would be tailored for her specific situation, but would ultimately have the same conclusion: I do not think it is wise to enter into or remain in a dating or courtship relationship with a guy who is currently struggling with porn. It’s one thing if it is far in his past, but it’s a completely different ball game if he is currently struggling with it.
Before you call me harsh, I encourage you to read some of the other blog posts on Covenant Eyes and you will quickly see the devastating effects porn has on relationships. I think it is wise to end the relationship until he is able to find victory and freedom from his porn habits.
Think about it this way. Why would you want to move down a road towards marriage with a man who is already struggling to be faithful to you? Why would you want to enter into a union to become “one” with a man who is committing virtual adultery on a regular basis? I know what I’m saying isn’t easy and will require a lot of prayer, wisdom, and grace…but in the end it does not seem wise or healthy for you to stay in a relationship with a guy who currently struggles with porn.
I encourage you to get wise counsel from your pastor or a godly older woman on how to handle your specific situation best.
Signs a woman can look for to know he is repenting.
Just because is it wise to end the relationship right now doesn’t mean it has to end forever. Maybe you ending the relationship will be a wake up call to him and will encourage him to seek help. Watch him once things are over to see if he has a sincere heart of repentance and a desire to honor God.
Signs of repentance will look like him taking drastic safety measures to make sure his porn is hard to access (i.e. getting rid of his computer, only using the Internet in public places, etc.). It will look like him seeking accountability from godly men and programs like Covenant Eyes. It will look like him having a clean track record for quite a while once your relationship ends. It will look like him doing whatever it takes to find freedom and victory from the enslaving sin of porn, no matter how hard it is.
Where does forgiveness fit into the picture?
Forgiveness might be hard for you to give at first, but in order to keep your heart from harboring bitterness, you will need to extend grace and forgiveness to him at some point. After all, porn is one form of sin and not one of us is sin-free. We must extend forgiveness to others as Christ has extended forgiveness to us. This doesn’t mean you accept, tolerate, or put up with his porn habits, it simply means you are choosing to forgive him and show him Christ-like love.
You should also pray fervently for him during your time of separation that God would help him find lasting victory. If he does find lasting victory over porn and has a clean track record for a while, then I encourage you to seek God in prayer and pursue further wise counsel before getting back together.
Have good conversations early on.
Is porn a major problem today? Yes. Does porn have to infect every family, every relationship and every marriage? No! Having a plan of action as early on as possible will help you and your man in this fight. Having a good heart-to-heart talk early on in the relationship about this issue will help you and your significant other get on the same page. Discussing both of your expectations, beliefs about porn, plan for purity, etc. will help you know where the other person stands. It will also show the value and importance you both place on cultivating a porn-free relationship.
Don’t wait until you’re five years into marriage to have these invaluable conversations—have them now.
Whether you’re in a relationship yet or not, you can help your future husband fight the battle against porn right now by praying for victory, wisdom, and purity in his life today.
As of now, I am seeing a girl, not dating (though we held hands, we have never kissed). I have known her for about a month and a half. We met on a Christian dating app, and since then have hung out about 4 times already. Praise God. However, porn attacks come in bouts. I usually fend it off with ease, then either in the morning or a random point in the day, it attacks. Help! What ought I to say to her? How to end this?
Hi Aus,
I am happy for you and your potential relationship! I suggest that if you do start dating, that you’re honest from her right off the bat. As a woman myself, I know that if my husband were to hold back the truth from me, it would hurt more than whatever he had done.
Before you tell her, you should come up with a plan of defeating porn! Using Covenant Eyes Screen Accountability is a great first step. She will be more encouraged to know that you are actively fighting porn, versus just telling her and not doing anything to fix it.
I hope this is of some help to you! Be strong!
Moriah
How long is a good track record? Is it one year?
Hi Nnaemeka!
Every relationship is different, so I cannot give a definite answer as to what span of time is considered a “good track record.” However, I can in general say that a year of being clean from porn is incredible and should be celebrated! Seek out wisdom through prayer, and ask God if he would have you pursue your relationship again.
Blessings,
Moriah
I’m devastated. My 19 year old has been dating this 18 year old “boy” for three months. (First boyfriend) Both Christian kids. He has just told my daughter that he has been addicted to porn for 3 years now. She wants to stay with him. I don’t know what more we can say to her to change her mind. Help.
Hi friend,
Thank you for reaching out and asking for help. As someone who was a teenager not too long ago (I’m 24 now), I remember going through something similar to this with my parents. I remember my parents giving me their wisdom and advice, knowing that I would either take it or leave it. Being the stubborn teen that I was, I usually left it. Looking back on it, of course, I wish I had listened to them.
Continue loving on your daughter and gently encouraging her to do what is right. She might listen; or she may continue dating this boy. Above all, keep praying for her, and for her boyfriend! Perhaps God will use this to help the boyfriend find freedom from porn.
Blessings!
Moriah
HELP! Please help…. I don’t know what to do.
My fiancé and I started dating in November 2019. We have known each other and served together in church for a year before that. He is a youth pastor. On our first date he admitted to struggling with porn, how much he hated it, and how much he hated that about himself. I know the statistics and the shame that comes from it, and the horrendous lack of help within churches to help people recover who are in this situations. I wasn’t disgusted, or even surprised, honestly I was impressed he was so open and vulnerable so early on. It wasn’t a passive struggle, it was something he wanted to get rid of in his life and felt constantly defeated in. Later I found out he was introduced to porn when he was 10 years old (we are now in our 30s) through his much older brother. Looking back I realize how naive I have been about the whole thing. How could I not see how ill equipped I was has been hunting me everyday the last week. Anyways, from the beginning we’ve been able to talk about it openly. At some point he talked about getting counseling, but I sort of discouraged it. I was afraid that he would go to a secular counselor who would tell him that watching porn was ok and “natural.” There are not any Christian counselors around where we live (I checked).
After dating for a month or so he also confessed that he used to engage in something like sex chatting but I think it involved video or pictures (honestly I don’t remember what he said because to that I did get shocked and surprised and hurt, etc). He had not done it in almost a year, but had had a slip up. We had what I can only describe as an amazing conversation about it, where I was honest and told him I unequivocally consider that to be 100% cheating (I know that porn is also cheating but for whatever reason I feel this more strongly). I knew the road to recovery for a porn addict can be slow and steep and I was willing to walk with him on it, but I could absolutely not tolerate this other stuff. I shared why I felt the way I did. He was incredibly receptive. Although he didn’t understand what the difference was between the two, he could see how much it hurt me and he repented and committed never to do it again.
In January he initiated the conversation about marriage. Even though we hadn’t been dating for long we had basically known each other for a year and a half so it didn’t feel rushed. After a few weeks though he sort of freaked out and said he wanted to tabled the conversation. I agreed. From February on he has some serious mood swings. But with the current pandemic, lockdown, forced isolation, etc- heck, Ive been going through some serious mood changes (even depression) myself. In the midst of it all we have been there for each other, he has always been kind and supportive. Even when he has been struggling with being down, he has been there for me. So, it was hard for me to realize maybe there was something off, we stopped talking about his struggle. It wasn’t until April that I kept having this nightmares of him cheating on me and overwhelming sense that something was wrong that I brought it up. He confessed that he had slipped up a few weeks back. For whatever reason I took it really hard that time. I think it was because he kept it from me until I asked- whereas before he had volunteered the information. Thats when he decided to get serious about obtaining covenant eyes. He had talked about it before and even asked for my opinion on the matter and if I would be willing to receive his reports- but I think I had been too scared that I would become obsessed with policing him, (or maybe I was just to naive that if we prayed hard enough, read the Bible enough it would go away) I didn’t discourage him but I also didn’t encourage him. [I know it is in the realm of his responsibility but looking back now I see how many times he was asking for help and support and I didn’t provided it. I know its not my fault, but I do wish I had listened better].
Anyways, he installed CE on his devices (like I said, even though I didn’t really spur them on on this). He started to educate himself on how porn affects the brain. He also told two of his friends about his struggle. Although he did not explain to them the extent/seriousness of it, it was a win to have that shred of light come through. He started doing the 40 day challenge on CE as well. He didn’t go passed day 3 though; and his friends that he had opened up to never (as far as I know) asked him deep questions about his situation or soul (even though one of them is a pastor!). I am the only one that receives his reports. Because of his position in the church it is such a difficult situation- and the shame and anxiety that comes from it is compounded.
I thought things were going well. Nothing had come up on his reports. We got engaged at the beginning of June. But then everything went haywire. His anxiety, depression, all sorts of things popped up. He called up the pastor one day and told him he was overwhelmed and wanted to quit. The pastor gave him a few days off, told him not to quit, but didn’t offer any real support. After a few days he was expected to be back at work as if nothing had happened and everything was fixed. I helped him through it that week. After that he disappeared for a few days. Meaning he didn’t call or texted, and we didn’t see each other at all (which is unusual for us… not that we are connected by the hip but we usually contact each other at least once a day to see how the day is going, you know?). On the fourth day I showed up at his apartment, praying that he would open up. He did. We had a heart to heart. He said he found the relationship stressful, that the engagement was too much. He knew he didn’t want to break up, but he didn’t know how to move forward. I suggested we both met with a godly, elder, wise, man who had been counseling him about his general fears concerning marriage. We all met the next day and that was good. The issue about porn didn’t come up but I wasn’t expecting it to, at least not in the first session. The next few days things got better, but then again everything went haywire again, he has been very aloof. A few weeks ago I had asked him if he had watched porn but he said he hadn’t. But as of last week I became convinced that he must be doing it, even though nothing was coming up on his reports. Over last weekend I started reading and educating myself on how does porn affect people, the brain, etc. (Why hadn’t I done this before??!!!! Things would have been so different). On Saturday I prayed, “God, if he is doing this please make it show up on his reports.” On Sunday that prayer was answered. I am devastated. He was masturbating to the picture of someone we know. I asked him if we could meet up on Monday.
These screenshots helped open up the conversation again, but I was not ready for what was gonna be said. He admitted that he has been watching porn again (by my calculations, around the same time everything went haywire). He has been watching it through his xbox which is why its not coming up on the reports. He is totally defeated and feels 100% hopeless. It was so surreal to see the man I love so deflated, not caring about anything. He has sort of come to this conclusion that he is a horrible person and that is just who he is, that he understands he is a child of God, but that he has messed up his life to such a degree that he can no longer have God’s best for his life or be the person that God intended him to be…. that’s what he said. He also said that he knows God loves him but he is just messed up and because of what he has done he will have to settled for something less in life/from God. That he is trying to figure out who he is now (since he can’t be who God wants him to be) and what life will look like now. I was stunned, all words failing me, mostly from the shock of seeing how Satan had weaved this horrid, ugly lie, that in a way sounded so sacrificial and noble…. how he has forgotten about the gospel and feels he must do penance or settle for some sort of 2nd class position as a child of God because of his sin, instead of seeking and receiving forgiveness. I managed to ask him if he wanted to work on the relationship. He said that honestly, he didn’t know if he wanted me or if I fit in his life anymore, since he believes I was part of God’s best plan for his life…. that I am everything he has ever prayed for, but since he has messed up God’s plan maybe he should be with someone else, settle for someone else. He mentioned all the things that he is struggling with: anxiety, depression, stress, social anxiety, not feeling like himself, not being able to concentrate, etc… and said that adding a relationship to all of that might not be helpful. We didn’t break up, even though the wedding is definitely canceled. He has not spoken to me or answered my messages since Tuesday. From all the reading Ive done this week I realize that all of his symptoms actually stem from his porn use! Like everything is by the textbook!!! But I don’t think he sees it… at least not the fact that his brain can heal and that God can, in fact, give him victory. I say this because he, at some point, kept going on about how he has messed up his brain and bonded himself to a bunch of women over time. I don’t know if it is that he didn’t finish reading the literature or if Satan just has him so in bondage…
I know the relationship can’t continue, at least not in the way it has. I love him. I love him deeply. I was getting ready to marry this man in September! I am dealing with the disappointment and the grief of that…. even the loss of not having him around. I want to help him, but I don’t know how. He is burnt out from the work at the church and his sin. He is overwhelmed and in pain because of everything that porn does to someone, but he is suffering alone. I am scared. I am scared for his life and his soul. I know only God can heal him. Only God can be God in his life. I am not trying to be God and I am not trying to save him. I only want to help him in a healthy, godly way. I have read the article on “When love has to get tough: 5 steps…” Im trying to get my head around everything. I mean I’m still reeling from the interaction with him, from the information I’ve read, all the implications for my present and my future, and all of my emotions. When talking about boundaries and consequences, I mean, should I tell the church? But that seems so coercive, in my mind that sounds like a threat because it could potentially destroy him forever. Im certain the church will not offer any support for restoration or recovery, they will just cast him aside. I mean, the man had a breakdown less than a month ago and when he approached the pastor all he got was a few days off and then expected to be back to normal. There was no conversation about what might have caused or prompted the breakdown. Even more, common sense would tell anyone someone doesn’t get over something like that after 3 days of rest!! (he has been working there for 7 years).
Please pray for deliverance. This is a work of Satan. Its easy to see why, his youth ministry has literally touched hundreds of lives.
And please, please, please some counsel would be great. I know I need to see a professional counselor myself to help me work through al of this- I’m working on finding one. But I need advice on my practical relationship with him. Even though we haven’t talked since Monday, I’m sure eventually we will talk again and I want to be ready. I want to be helpful and not compound his sense of guilt/shame. What do I do if he does not repent? What are appropriate consequences? We are not married. I know what the path to reconciliation looks like, at least in part (both of us seeing a professional psychologist both individually and as a couple is definitely part of it, and real, faithful, accountability partners for him, probably support group for me). But I don’t know what things look like or how should I respond if there is no repentence.
HELP!!
I think it’s ridiculous how men are alway the “guilty” ones. 33% of porn addicts are women and that number is climbing. I know in my own life all the years of rejection, manipulation, lying and being treated like shit by women is definitely a factor in my struggle with porn. Going to a really legalistic church from 2010-2012 and constantly focusing on sin has actually made it a lot worse. I had a singles pastor who would always preach against having accountability software because you didn’t need it if your heart was truly changed. The problem was that he had it on his own computer and was basically just a bitter person who used scripture to abuse people. A pastor name Tullian Tchividjian mentions that when you constantly focus on the need to get better, the worse you actually become. And that when a person struggles with their justification they will be unable to grow in regards to sanctification. I have absolutely seen that come to fruition in my life. And women need to stop being victims and take responsibility for the way they act and dress in church. Women get upset and complain about men lusting after them and yet are always wearing yoga pants and short skirts. That’s not true in all churches, but a vast majority it is. What’s the difference between a gluttonous woman who runs to food for comfort instead of Christ than a man who runs to porn for comfort? Sin is Sin. I had a close friend who i used to go to church with who once accused me abusing grace to sin. The problem with him is that he acted like he had done something special to earn God’s grace. I have definitely become bitter and cynical towards the church and all the nonsense that goes on. Every epistle of Paul in the new testament he refers to who they are in Christ before he instructs a behavior change. To be quite honest i’d rather be miserable and disciplined by God and continue to struggle with porn than have to give my life in marriage to some woman who will suck the life out of me. I am good at being real, despite my issues.
You might want to take a look at this article from The Gottman Institute which addresses the impact of porn on relationships. Gottman is not a religious organization, simply the most reputable source of marriage research on earth today.
I have to say, this a two way street of “growing up”. I’m not sure any woman truly understands why so many men are addicted to porn. Is the answer that the vast majority of men are just weak? Do the vast majority of men just not love God or love their wives? Are the vast majority of men are just immature? Does the extreme majority of men simply need to grow up?
Trivializing the widespread use of pornography into any one of those reasons exhibits a deep lack of compassion or understanding. It’s a basic case of looking at the mote in a brother’s eye, and not considering the beam that is in thine own eye.
Has anybody considered that these overwhelming statistics of men that view porn represent actual human beings? They are not less than any other human being, women included. Why would the “75% of young Christian men” mentioned in this article identify themselves as Christian if they had no desire to be like Christ and make it back to live with him? Has anybody considered the pain that each of these young men face each day feeling ashamed of what they’re doing? The feeling of unworthiness, isolation, and loneliness not only to their God but to their wives or potential wives? Are not any one of these reasons strong enough for any Christian to want to change?
We all want to change. That is what makes us Christian. The problem isn’t that we’re weak, immature, have no desire to change, or don’t have our priorities straight. With such overwhelming statistics about pornography use, clearly the problem is that pornography has a claim on our souls by a lure that is stronger than the VAST majority of human will power.
From various sources found online, it would seem that 15-31% of women view pornography on a regular basis, and 75% of men view pornography on a regular basis. These are people that actually admit it in random studies. It’s safe to assume the ACTUAL percentages are much higher. If there’s 7 billion people on the planet (3.5 billion males, 3.5 billion females), then 2.625 billion males and 0.525-1.09 billion females watch porn regularly. This is roughly 3.15-3.715 BILLION individuals, or roughly 45-53% of the ENTIRE POPULATION.
It’s safe to say that included in a group of 3.15 to 3.715 billion individuals are mothers, fathers, lawyers, police officers, government officials, military personnel, pastors, bishops, priests, nuns, or other religious leaders. There would be extremely intelligent individuals that have demonstrated higher work ethics, far more discipline, maturity, sacrifice, compassion, and understanding than the vast majority of any of us, or anybody that we know. Do these people simply need to “grow up”? Or do we need to grow up and understand that just because we have been blessed enough to have no idea what it’s like to struggle with more temptation than we can bear, it doesn’t mean that the 53% who do struggle are weak and need to grow up.
If 75% of men and only 15-31% of women struggle to overcome pornography, then why do we trivialize it into a bad use of agency? Do women just make better choices? Do they have more will power? Do they love God more then men? Or is there clearly a biological component that makes women less likely to have such overwhelming temptation in this area? If so, wouldn’t that mean that the Christian man who takes action every day to avoid and resist pornography is consistently exhibiting greater will power than that of the common Christian woman? Grow up and recognize this. Does all of that count for nothing when he eventually makes a mistake?
Understanding is the only road to compassion, and compassion is the only road to healing. Christ suffered on the cross to have infinite love, compassion, and mercy for those who suffer. He alone can truly understand what the sinner is going through, and he does not trivialize their suffering into weakness and immaturity. For in that he himself hath suffered being tempted, he is able to succour them that are tempted. Can we not all try to be like this?
If anyone lacks understanding, the male sex drive is like having a needle to a pack of heroine permanently and irreversibly lodged in your blood stream. It is part of your body. The heroine does not flow by itself. But microscopic drops at the tip of the needle never stop trickling into the blood stream, whether we like it or not. Sounds horrible, doesn’t it? Sounds like an unfair violation of one’s will, right? Because that’s exactly how it feels. We never chose to have this needle injected into ourselves. This unsolicited and never ending taste causes a never ending craving. All the while we’re perfectly aware that it’s as easy as pushing down on the syringe to finally rid ourselves of the temptation and send us to a state of total ecstasy.
Those that are addicted to weed, or addicted to heroine, ecstasy, or alcohol choose to take that first hit. They chose to take that first smoke. Every boy by the age of 14 has had a taste of this metaphorical alcohol forced down their throat whether they like it or not, and the bottle follows them through their entire existence.
I never thought once about sex my entire childhood. The thought of sticking my penis inside the same place where another person pees horrified and disgusted me, although my arm has always been exactly long enough to have my hand rest innocently in the warm cavity of my crotch whenever I slept or rested. There was never any sexual craving involved, it was just a comfortable and natural place for my hand to be, the same way we find it natural and comfortable to cross our feet together when laying down, or to use our hands as a pillow for our head when laying on the ground.
By the age of 11 or 12 I found myself wanting to pelvic thrust and rub my genitalia against objects in the house for no apparent reason. I didn’t really understand what it was all about, but just that I wanted to do it. For the most part, I stayed away from it just because with my extremely basic understanding of sex and religion, I figured that those feelings were some sort of sin and that it was wrong. I was a good boy, and I wasn’t going to do bad things.
One day in the midst of boredom at the age of 14, while working on a Geography project, my hand found it way comfortably into my pants as it usually did. This time when it rested against my crotch, I began to feel sleepy and extremely relaxed. As it stirred around down there, the hazy cloud of relaxation became more profuse. It was as if I were under a spell. I began to rub and massage my testicles more and more as the hazy spell of ease and relaxation that I was under grew thicker and more vivid. I thought briefly about what I had been taught about masturbation, and that it was wrong. But while my mind was under this brand new spell, I couldn’t care less. All my life I had been told what to do, and all my life I had been doing things like geography projects that I never wanted to do. This time, I was all alone and for once nobody could tell me what to do. For once I was finally free. What harm could possibly come from any of this? The next thing I knew, a fluid came out of my penis and into my pants. The spell was broken, and I immediately exclaimed “EWWW what is this??”. Had I just masturbated? I knew about masturbation and knew it was wrong. But I was barely aware that what I was doing was masturbation. I thought that was a line that I’ve always lived way too good and far away from to ever cross. I ran to the bathroom to change, and that was exactly how it all started. What started as an accident basically became a weekly thing that led to more intense fantasies about the girls I went to school with, and eventually to pornography usage for the rest of my life. I never asked for those urges to come into my life, and if they hadn’t ever started I would have lived my entire life as the “good boy” that I was throughout my entire childhood. Would being a “good boy” that never had a desire to do evil in the first place for the rest of my life count as “growing up” and being a mature man that never sins?
I’m now 20, and have struggled with guilt and endless shame involved with pornography/masturbation since I was 14. The pain that this has brought has brought me an endless supply of reasons to give it up. I’ve been depressed, suicidal, felt unworthy my entire life, alone… Each time in the depths of depression I find a new hope and burning desire to fight and stop this sin. Since 14 years of age, I have acted on the faith that I have in God to heal me. Since 14, I have confessed these sins to my religious leaders knowing that it would be the only way to be healed. That sincerity coupled with the grace of God has carried me many times through extreme phases of abstinence, but it will never remove the needle of heroine from my veins. I can look my savior in the eye and say to him that I have always given 150% of my soul’s faculties to be the “good boy” that I thought I was growing up, despite my endless failures.
I only remember fighting through the course of this 6 year battle. My victories at the beginning were small. Sometimes two weeks of total abstinence. Eventually it could get to a month of total abstinence before I fell. The depression, unworthiness, and sadness has always kept me going in the fight, but it has never been enough to win. I one time came to my religious leader after 72 hours of fasting, begging for a way to be healed. If this isn’t faith, if this isn’t love for my savior, if this isn’t maturity, if this isn’t “growing up”, then I have no idea what is. Do the naysayers know what that is like? Have they done anything like that in their lives? To confess something so personal and humiliating about themselves consistently, week after week for 6 years? To spend days fasting and praying for some way out?
I remember around 16 years old, my victories would get into the 100+ day ranges. Each time I had made it 5-6+ weeks in abstinence, I had always thought I was healed and free. Then I would always fall. So many times have I demonstrated perfect will power and abstinence for 100+ days at a time, only for that to be broken with disappointment. Is it fair to label someone like this immature and weak?
I turned 20 years old, and I decided enough is enough. On my 20th birthday, I compounded so many reasons to quit into one. Obviously many of these reasons included depression, sadness, duty to my savior, a hope for a better life and for greater happiness through a faithful marriage. The time was coming for me to get married and start a family. The epitome of “growing up”. So I threw myself at my savior with everything I can possibly give. Is this not faith, is this not honorable? Is this not mature?
I’ve currently been 349 days totally abstinent without a single instance of masturbation or pornography usage. In 15 days I will be 21 years old, a year free from this sad struggle. Over the course of my infinite failures that have followed me for the past 7 years, do I think I am healed, do I suppose I am free?
No. I don’t. While I do have occasional joyous moments that bring me closer to my savior where tears are brought to my eyes at the success I have made, the temptation follows me everywhere I go. Each day I have to wake up with a determination to be clean. Every day I have to remind myself what I am fighting for. The temptation constantly brings me down into the depths of sorrow, loneliness, and despair. Can you say that after all this I just haven’t really made up my mind that I want to be clean? Can you say that my heart has not been truly changed since I still have to fight my way through this every single day? Can you say that my mind has not been made up if I fall? If this 6 year struggle isn’t repentance, than what is? Is it even possible?
I know I could easily fall at any day and go right back to where I started. Sometimes the temptation is so strong it physically pains me and brings me down to where all I can do is lay in my bed and groan in agony. The remembrance of 6 years worth of dark times shrouded in guilt, shame, and suicidal depression keep me going. Would you wish this type of life upon your worst enemy? Is this the only way to be to be “grown up” and “faithful” and mature? Are the rest of the 75% of males that fall short of this complete insanity considered to be “less than” or “unfaithful” or “immature”?
Think about this the next time we judge another for the sins they have committed, or the state that they are currently living in. It’s selfish to trivialize this problem and demonize those who suffer from it. It’s choosing to not understand another human being’s struggle in order to justify your own one-sided victim complex. That is what ruins marriages or other relationships.
Pornography isn’t a personal attack on our girlfriends or wives. It’s not that we don’t love the one thing that we cherish more than anything else on earth (our wives). It’s just that the ONE thing that we HATE more than anything else on earth (pornography) has more power over us than we are actually able to combat. That is why 75% of men use pornography regularly. If we trivialize porn into the thing that instantly destroys marriages without actually thinking about it, then each person on the planet is doomed to a 75% chance of having a failed marriage. If you leave someone for pornography, then you are 75% likely to find someone else struggling with porn and you will never find love because you believe 75% of the male population is incapable of loving another human being.
I’m not saying pornography doesn’t hurt loved ones, because it does. But it possibly hurts the user most of all. I’m saying if we change the way we see it, and compassionately recognize a faithful heart that is trying every day to change (instead of victimizing ourselves and demonizing our loved ones), we can possibly protect ourselves from the heartbreaking amount of pain that plagues the common Christian marriage in the 21st century. Through understanding, husbands and wives can work together to combat the thing they BOTH HATE. Healing can come as a unit instead of broken marriages coming as two isolated individuals. By simply changing our view, that 75% margin for failure in a marriage can be completely wiped out, and failure can be determined by presence of things that realistically do not need to present, such as verbal and physical abuse, multiple extramarital affairs, lack of emotional intimacy, child abuse, etc…
Sources:
http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2014/aug/24/more-than-half-of-christian-men-admit-to-watching-/
http://nytlive.nytimes.com/womenintheworld/2015/10/22/study-finds-that-1-out-of-3-women-watch-porn-at-least-once-a-week/
https://www.covenanteyes.com/2013/02/19/pornography-statistics/
Jonathan, your text is one of the deepest pieces of wisdom, serenity, maturity, self-consciousness, compassion, understanding, that I have ever read… Actually I cannot put into words what I am feeling right now. As a 32 year-old male who has never even kissed a girl in his entire life, dreams about marrying and having a family, but struggles with pornography addiction since he was 20, your testimony was able to illustrate the saga of my life, from how it all starts to how we feel whenever society in general – and the Christian community in particular – looks at us as if we were weak, immature, inferior creatures, too lazy to take a firm step against their sins… Thank you.
Please pray for me, and I will be praying for you.
You people sadden me with all your needless shame. It’s your body, do what you want with it, and if you are ashamed of what comes naturally to you then you have a serious emotional issue. Masturbation can be a problem if done excessively, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with letting off some steam in such a manner. It genuinely makes me sad that when we live in this day and age, an era of freedom, openmindedness and sophistication, that there are still sexually repressed, demented weirdos out there who are so ashamed of their own natural bodily functions that they need to join a support group for it. The only thing I can tell you all, if you want to stop having this problem, stop considering it a problem and think of it like the rest of the world does: a totally natural process that if done in moderation is a normal and acceptable part of life. Have fun feeling ashamed and bad about yourself for your natural bodily functions, I hope that goes well for y’all.
People just don’t seem to get that the root of overcoming sin is a right relationship with God. Grace is not overlooking sin, but tapping into the power to overcome. We are overcomers, not ‘strugglers’ The idea of ‘struggling’ with sin insinuates being entangled in it, all the time. When you truly get to know Christ, He makes your heart of stone into a heart of flesh, and you see people with compassion. Then you don’t want to objectify women or anyone else, because you see them through Christ’s eyes. All over the Bible you see God being disturbed that people who are calling themselves by His name are not healing the broken-hearted. Why? Because they do not know Him. Spend time with Him and in His Word. Listen to His voice. His sheep hear His voice, so if you are truly His sheep, you will hear Him saying no to sin, and you will not want to break His heart nor the hearts of His beloved.
Sex is a bonding experience. Masturbation bonds one to oneself, hence the huge increase in narcissism. You don’t have to have internet to be addicted to sex. My first husband did not have internet and sex was all he thought about, masturbating several times a day even though he got sex with me almost every day as well. And I weighed 100 lbs. Sorry to whoever thinks overweight women are at fault. Because that’s all he thought about, any need of ours was interrupting his fantasies and that is why he became abusive. He was angry that we were interrupting his thoughts. The children did not know of his addiction, but they still inherited it because, in the spirit, it was passed on to the next generation. Only true repentance causes change, and someone will have to truly repent of this or it will continue. Masturbation also eventually makes it impossible to have real sex because real sex is too soft, not like the hand. All this doesn’t even matter, it is simply a betrayal of God and women and children.
Also we are raised these days to get what we want or pout. Sorry, life is not like that. Self-discipline is outdated maybe, but the consequences of that are huge. We can choose our sin, but we cannot choose the consequences, sorry. There are many things we would like to do or have, like more shoes or a new car or a spouse or a baby or vengeance on someone, and we can choose to obsess over it or cry out to God and deliberately take our thoughts captive to ‘whatsoever things are good’, and ‘with prayer and supplication with thanksgiving’ come to God and lay our idols down. For a time, one has to take those thoughts captive every few seconds, but there comes a breakthrough when the good takes over and the demons are cast out. If God is not big enough for this, then why trust Him at all? He says to be above reproach, so surely He has the power and willingness to give it to us.
I hear what you guys are saying… I am a female very addicted to pornography. Yes I am a Christian and my Pastor is aware of my struggles to stop spinning in that area along with overeating and sinning while angry and frustrated. Haven’t had sex with anyone since I was 22. I am now 37 and happen to be getting married for the first time in March. Have been encouraged by my Pastor not to share with my fiance. We both have special needs. He is diagnosed with Aspergers. I am diagnosed with severe bipolar affective disorder. Have participated in fasting, deliverance ministry, prayer, celebrate recovery all to make the wrong choice and sin when my body goes too many days at a time reacting inappropriately even at work or in church. I don’t know what else to do…
Hi Beth, I’m just wanting to double-check with you that you’re under a doctor’s care, and taking the appropriate medication for your medical condition? The symptoms you describe here as sinning are often very much a part of bipolar disorder, and you should find that the appropriate medication would be a real help in controlling those symptoms. While religious support is helpful, medical support is really critical for managing a medical condition like bipolar disorder, and I hope you’re getting all the help that’s available to you. Peace to you, Kay
You might be right to say not date any man who ever got sucked in by the porn industry(50% of them right?). I would say don’t allow him to marry until the struggle is weakened.
All men struggle with lust(oh, woman too I heard about a worldly girl at work who had pride in her porn collection). Did you know the dictionary definition for lust is having sexual desire for someone? Now, I get it your talking about having sexual desire for someone other than your wife. So if we followed what the English word says, then nobody would have sex and the earth would have no humans left on it.
So now that its put out there I am a man that had this struggle because women betrayed me including christian woman. It is one of the chains of the porn stronghold that keeps me locked into this awful disease. At a time in the past I stopped for 3 months. I was looking for a job during recession and not only that I was spending probably 3-5 hours with God a day. It was incredible. Don’t get me wrong I don’t view masturbation as a sin. But if done to images of nude woman(including the ones in your mind) its a sin. I would say to any man who wants to try and weaken the desire – just do it in the bathroom without any thought of a girl or a magazine or anything. Too hard? Think of God.
So presenting such a story and such a case. Does the struggle really ever end? Does it ever get defeated. You may say with God it does. That almost makes no sense. The devil is constantly fighting to steal you away from God in anyway he can, Even if you have set up much defenses against him and even said to God “I can’t do it but you can.” He can help you. But the struggle… NEVER. GOES AWAY. If it did you would get married and never have sex. ever. Remember what Paul said about burning desire to get married straight away? Does anybody actually do this here? I would. Court for a month, Tell the lady my current struggle of woman/sex drive, and If she accepts; get married(Obviously this is part of the get to know a person step). But if the girl is being wise I almost would say yeah don’t go for someone like me and on the other hand me is saying “That is just another chain I mean 31 years old and still physically alone?” Bible dudes and girls got married at young ages cause they understood and arranged marriages not like America or this generation.
So you don’t view masturbation as a sin 31SingleMale??? Let me ask you this, do you think Jesus masturbated? If the answer is no, then yes masturbation is a sin. It’s a distortion of sex and is a selfish act unlike actual sex inside of marriage which is about pleasing the other person. I struggle with this myself, but you have to call it what it is. I’m single as well and I struggle with ungodly desires, but God is helping me through it. Porn has not ever been a struggle (I praise God for that), but masturbation addiction can cause some of the same damage. For both men and women. But as Christians we have the power of Jesus! His blood has covered our struggles and sins. The same power that rose Jesus from the grave lives in us. He wants us to tap into that.
My son-in-law was recently caught viewing some very disturbing sights….nude dead bodies, slaughtering animals, and viewing be headings, along with other porn. He told her he was just playing around and doesn’t look at porn that much. I am concerned about my daughter’s safety.
Hi Patty,
From a distance, it is impossible for anyone to really get a grip on this situation, but more information is clearly warranted. Your daughter has right to feel disturbed by what she discovered.
In one sense, it is very easy to stumble on grotesque pornography online without much effort. Could he have been looking at “normal porn” (still a problem) and found links to more perverse sexual acts? Yes. That can happen to anyone who is mired in pornography. On the other hand, the fact that he was caught leads me to wonder why he wasn’t turning away from such images, why he had the images up on his screen for long enough to be caught. To watch macabre pornography with a cavalier attitude is, in my opinion, evidence of a deeper problem.
Should you be concerned about her safety? That is hard call to make. There are a lot of porn users, even heavy users, who don’t act out their fantasies (at least not with their loved ones). Some do. What is important is trying to get to the bottom of the behavior in a manner that will actually help him.
Your daughter might want to get this book, Porn and Your Husband. It will give her some steps to take.