I can’t stop watching porn.
No really, I want to.
I have made promises and tried fresh starts in the New Year. I have even gone forward in church, gotten down on my knees, and begged God to help me stop watching it.
But I can’t quit porn! What is the real problem? Will I ever be able to stop watching porn? Because based on my past it seems impossible.
Porn addiction is an extremely complex issue with no simple answers or cookie-cutter solutions. But most people I talk with fall into what I call the “Zap Trap”—praying that God would just heal them or looking for some other instant solution. They want to stop watching porn without having to fight the fight for recovery.
However, in working with hundreds of men over the past ten years, I have learned that instant healing in this area is rare. So, let’s look at three main reasons why it is so hard to quit looking at porn.
How Hard Is It to Quit Porn?
Editor’s note:
As Dr. Alvin Cooper noted many years ago, the anonymity, affordability, and accessibility of digital porn make it much easier for people today to become addicted.
Not everyone experiences the pull of pornography in exactly the same way. However, some former drug addicts and alcoholics attest that pornography is more difficult to overcome. This is not everyone’s experience. Many factors contribute to the severity of an addiction, such as the age of first exposure and how many years they’ve been consuming pornography.
Additionally, pornography addiction often begins when porn is consumed out of a desire for genuine intimacy. As John Doyel notes below, isolation fuels addiction. Part of the challenge, however, is that pornography often feels like a substitute for real relationships.
3 Reasons It’s So Hard to Quit Porn
1. Porn is addictive.
Apart from the spiritual battle you are in by simply being a Christian, you are in a physical battle with a physical addiction that traps you into watching porn. You have literally become a drug addict. The drugs you are addicted to are those released in your brain when you become sexually aroused.
God designed those drugs as a wonderful part of His plan to bond a husband and wife as one during times of sexual intimacy. They all have a distinct purpose and are marvelously effective. However, your brain does not differentiate between having sex with your wife or having sex with porn. The same drugs are released with the same effect. Pleasure, focus, energy, release, and other things happen that make having an orgasm one of the most enjoyable things God has given to us.
We can’t quit porn because we like it. We like it a lot. So, we want it again and again. With that experience accessible in a five-minute trip to the bathroom with your smartphone, we start using it more frequently. When we get stressed. When we get angry. Or when we want to escape from problems, we can easily get a fix that does not fix anything.
Dopamine, testosterone, norepinephrine, oxytocin, and serotonin flood our brains, and we feel good for a while.1 Then shame and fear return, and it is not long before we want another escape. It’s hard to escape porn when porn is your escape. Scientific research shows that porn warps the brain like any other substance.2
Those who can’t stop watching porn do not like it when I tell them they are drug addicts, but that is the truth. The drugs are between their ears. They don’t need a pusher. Their drugs are basically free of charge and are extremely effective. We can now access whatever things we want to view and get a quick fix within a few seconds.
Also, we can walk out of wherever we just acted out and seem fine to everybody. No hangover. No trace of what you have done unless you forget to delete your history. Breaking free from this addiction takes a lot of work, and most men are not ready to fight that battle. Especially due to reason number two.
See Why Is Porn So Addictive?: 4 Reasons It’s Tough to Resist.
2. We remain in isolation.
How many people know about your secret struggle? You can’t quit without telling someone about it, but you feel like you can’t tell anyone. Telling means risking your job, your friendships, your wife, and your family. People will drop dead in shock because everyone thinks you have it all together, and so that pressure keeps the truth buried deep in your darkest places. You feel trapped because you are in a prison of your own making.
I know this from experience. As a pastor for 26 years who struggled with sexual addiction for eight long years, I hated myself. I committed many sexual sins, and there was no way I could just say to my wife and my board, “By the way, I am addicted to sex.”
However, God in His mercy revealed my secret life and my recovery began in September 2005. Talk about a train wreck and painfully injuring my wife and our four adult kids.
See Understanding the Shame Cycle.
Remaining in isolation makes it seem impossible to stop. Recovery demands confession, disclosure, coming clean, and genuine repentance. If I had been a better and braver man I would have stepped forward and asked for help. But I lived in denial and minimized my actions by telling myself I knew enough to be able to stop watching pornography.
We like to say that a lone sheep is a dead sheep. If you remain in isolation, you are a dead man and won’t be able to break free. Porn has its hooks in deep, and you will need a team of people to help you pull the hooks out and stop watching porn.
To make it through a withdrawal period of about 90 days, you need people available to you on a constant basis. You need to learn how to reach out to them when the whole temptation process to watch porn begins. We like to say reach out before you reach in. Reach out to your team before you reach into your pants.
The opposite of isolation is community. Scripture has a lot to say about community and our ministry was founded on this passage in 1 John 1:
“This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.”
Secular research conducted outside the Church likewise underscores the vital importance of accountability:
- One study found that having an accountability partner can make you 95% more likely to accomplish your goal.
- Gallup Business found that accountability is a key component in employee engagement. Businesses with highly engaged—and highly accountable—employees reported up to 17% higher productivity, 21% higher profits, 10% higher customer satisfaction, and 59% lower turnover rates for employees.
- One study suggests that accountability can even help people treat one another more fairly.
Fellowship is community. It is being daily connected to other men to help you fight the battle. How many armies send their troops out alone to fight the enemy alone? None. Stupid question. So why are you trying to fight it alone? Lone sheep are dead sheep.
3. We don’t take it seriously.
It is so easy to say to yourself that everybody is doing it. It is not such a big deal. Are you kidding me? Porn use is destroying families and marriages at an alarming rate.
God says sexual sin is a big deal. He calls us to purity and holiness. He has started a good work in us and plans to finish that work, but if we are walking in sexual sin like porn, we grieve and stifle the Spirit within us and will continue to be pulled into deeper areas of sin.
Every Monday night, about 100 men gather at our church because their sexual sin has been and is ruining their lives. They cannot stop and are heading into very dangerous and dark waters. We lie to ourselves when we think that we can handle it. If you could handle it on your own, why are you reading this article?
Not only should we take it seriously because God does, but we should take it seriously because of the effects porn has on us and society.
Did you see the cover of Time on March 31, 2016? They found that Millennials who have used porn over the years are experiencing erectile dysfunction because they have trained their brains to see sex as something you do online. So, when it comes time to have a real relationship, they fail to answer the call.
Are you aware of the rise and prevalence of sex trafficking around the world?
We Need Daily Encouragement to Stop Watching Porn
I believe with all my heart that God’s Word holds the path to stop watching porn. He calls us to community with no condemnation. He wants all of us to be connected and truthful with one another (and Covenant Eyes can help with this). We need to do as James says. We need to confess our sins to one another and pray for each other, and then healing can begin to come. Lastly, we need encouragement. Look at this passage in Hebrews 3:
“See to it, brothers and sisters, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.”
We need encouragement every day or we will be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. To start your journey, check out How to Quit Porn: 6 Essential Steps.
1 William Struthers, Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain (Downers Grove: IVP Books, 2009).
2 Frederick Toates, “A motivation model of sex addiction – Relevance to the controversy over the concept,” Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 142 (2022). https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2022.104872.
please I really need help , am so addicted to porn I really want to leave it alone but whenever I try the thought keeps coming back , I want to stop porn I hate it .
please help me
As I read this article, I feel a huge guilt upon me. Part of me doesn’t even believe that I am His because I keep failing Him. Everyday I want to get closer to Him and surrender. I get so angry because whenever I fail… I cry out to Him and ask for forgiveness. But then, I got right back to it just like you said in the article “dog returning to it’s own vomit.” I am sick and tired of asking for forgiveness but then going right back. I know prayer and fasting works, because I’ve done it before. Now, it’s hard, because I work intense hours and any alone time I get at home, it goes into pornography and just my mind thinking about very horrible and sexual images. I need help and I know I do. I don’t have anyone to talk to because I truly don’t know people, locally. All those who are my brothers and sisters in Christ, are from other states and are limited with assistance. I want to honor God in all that I do… I don’t even want to preach to others anymore because I have this hidden and dark secret. All my old habits, I have done away with, through Christ but why is porn the hardest?? Doesn’t the word say that where temptation is uncommon to man, the Lord gives us a way out?? I use to drink, but no longer will I touch alcohol because I know that’s what the Lord doesn’t approve. I don’t smoke anymore because that’s definitely poison in the body. I no longer curse because I know it’s wrong and I feel convicted. Heck, even if I say one, I’ll cry out and repent. But with porn… it’s like a sick habit that needs to be done or else I’ll go crazy. Help me… I don’t want to do it but my flesh does…
Hi, Joshua – I’m sorry that you’re hurting. I can sense the depth of your pain in your post. Will you allow me to be really direct? In the last sentence, you said, “I don’t want to do it,” but you still allow internet access in your home? On your device? How are you getting to the porn? If you can’t handle having the internet around after your long days, then you have to find another way. You know the definition of insanity, right? Doing the same things and expecting different results. Or, don’t go home after those long days. Go to a friend’s house or somewhere safer. You know your situation best. In the end, if you really want to quit, then you’ll really do whatever it takes to quit. Porn only need a sliver of opportunity. It sounds like you need to remove as many of those slivers as possible because your will power and resolve alone are not enough.
I wish you the best! God is for you. May His grace strengthen you.
Chris
Hi chris, if I were to marry it would be twenty five years old. I stopped watching pornography. Now I think I’ve changed a lot more than before. Because I have reduced watching porn and masturbation as I mentioned earlier.
Now I’m not scared of girls. That was old me. that was 9 years ago. The main reason I left comment: I had to know if I was a porn Addict That’s why I asked about it. I think I’m now mature enough to my life.
I’m new now. Porn is very bad for life. its destroying our lives
By the way thank you for your advice.
Can you tell me more.? .
Hello, Akshay, you’re on the right path of striving forward, learning from the past, and trying not to repeat past mistakes. If you’ve stopped (which is amazing!), then try to put as many controls in place as possible to keep porn away. Get controls on the devices. Talk opening with people you trust. Stay close to the Lord. Wak up each day ready to fight. And, when temptation comes, write it down so that you can start to identify patterns of when the enemy is coming after you. He’s constantly changing tactics. But, you can keep changing your tactics, too. I’m happy for you and wish you all the best.
Chris
Hi I’m 23 years old guy. I think I’m addicted to porn. My friends taught me about porn. when I was a 14 year old boy i saw first porn video. When I saw that first time I was scared of nude women’s body from the video.. After that porn became part of me. I watched lots of porn videos and photos to know more about girls. I watched porn daily all the day and night without sleep without going to school without studying without going for marriage functions. I did masturbation daily all the day and night by watching porn. I don’t talk to anyone i don’t talk to girls because I’m scared of girls. I was a smart boy but after i saw porn i lost my confidence and becomes shy type.
Now I’m 23, waiting for job and marriage. I’m scared about my life and my upcoming life partner. I reduced the amount of watching porn, i reduced the amount of masturbation. But I’m still watching porn and masturbating once a week , I’m still worried about my life. Am i a porn Addict? Please tell me I really need to know and want to quit porn fully.
Hi, Akshay – I don’t think the word “addiction” is helpful. Whether I call you a porn addict or not doesn’t change your situation. Here’s what you’re saying (I’ll just repeat it back) – your life is better without porn. You don’t want to bring porn and habitual masturbation into your marriage. These are both good and noble desires that I applaud. So, will you do whatever it takes to get rid of it? Don’t get married until things are better. Talk to a spiritual advisor or counselor. Someone to help you unwind 9 years of behavior that has taught your brain a lot of untrue things about sex and orgasm. Take a 90-day fast from everything. Maybe get rid of some devices that a tempting. Those are a few tips that I’ll leave with you. None of them are easy, but you can’t take the easy road if you want t live porn-free. Porn is a beast that is only satisfied with ALL of you and it will stop at nothing to try and get it.
Peace,
Chris
I have been hooked on porn since I was about 13. I am turning 35 this year. So many times have I prayed fervently for God to just take away this desire to look at porn and masturbate, but time and again I keep doing it. I eventually got to a point where I realized, being male, we have a high sex drive due to constant sperm accumulation in our bodies. If you do not look at porn or masturbate, then what? You will go out and have one night stands – either way you are committing a sin – in the words of Jesus you will be condemned to hell. First of all, this seems really unfair. Our bodies were designed this way, to have this constant sexual pressure, to make matters worse we are in a world where sex and scantily clad women are everywhere. Are we just supposed to wait for a wet dream? What about what we dream of? All three ways end up in sin. It really doesn’t make any sense at all. My partner passed away last week from cancer. Our sexual relationship was good up until the point she was too weak when it started getting bad. What is a man like me supposed to do? I adopted her two children from her first marriage (the dad passed away a long time ago) and we also have a son together. I will not be able to be in another relationship for a few years to not affect them. Until then, I have sperm building up in me all the time, I need a release. Seriously what am I supposed to do to release the sexual tension?
Hello, Jay – my heart is crushed by your situation. Truly. I want to be delicate, because I just can’t relate to the situation you’re in. I’m not going to tell you not to masturbate. So, what does that mean? Can you masturbate without sinning? Christians love to argue about this question. I honestly don’t know. I’ve just decided to let each person answer this one for him/herself. Covenant Eyes does not have an official stance on masturbation. Also, please find an amazing counselor. Stay connected to an amazing group of friends. Stay abundantly active. About porn, I guess my words would be to please stay away. It’s too slippery of a slope. Especially right now. Daily commitments. Daily bread. It has to be possible, right? I mean, it has to be possible to live porn-free, or Jesus died for nothing. I’m far from perfect, but I have to try and internalize the truth that my struggle is not so big as to make the cross powerless. It must be possible to live in freedom. Otherwise, Christ came for nothing.
Jay, may God give you abundant grace. May that grace guide your efforts. And, may your efforts succeed.
Peace,
Chris
I have read majority of the thoughts and articles pasted here, it’s been very interesting, feels like my own history narrated by someone else; mine story is not so different from yours except my faith and religion is different from you. I am a Muslim by religion and have faith in Allah. I was introduced with porn once there was no internet rather there were VHS tapes. Like one of my friend told here same goes with me. I joined military in the officer cadre at age 21 and was deployed on an isolated location far away from any city and I was unmarried. I used to watch porn videos on video cassette recorders i.e. VCR. I got married to the love of my life at 26, initially I went away from porn being newlywed and strenuous military routine kept me away from porn but I shifted to masturbation than porn. Now, I am 48 still happily married for 22 years with three kids and my eldest is daughter she studies in a university she is 21 now and I am still addicted to porn. Like one of the friend above said that men do require a sexual release after every 72 hours same goes for me. My wife knows and preempt my next move like she is my soul mate and is always reluctant but finally gives up in my sexual fantasy and we watch porn together but I get orgasm and she just help me get out of this situation all the time. We make love once or twice a month but my watching of porn never stops. With the access of high speed Internet this porn watching and resulting in masturbation is my routine since long I mean very long it’s been over 25 years. After each episode I bow down to my Lord ask for forgiveness feels sorry for my sins but the circle repeats itself after every 72 hours without fail. Now, I am a retired army officer living peacefully with my wife and three kids this porn watching is like a habit just like smoking I always failed to quit. I need direction and counseling to eliminate this habit and wants to get rid of it for good. My wife sometimes gets irritated on me watching porn but she loves me a lot. I gave her an excellent lifestyle with all amnesties including house, cars and what all any woman could dream for but I am still a porn addict so can you help!!!!
Hello! Thank you for coming to us. Have you tried some essential steps to breaking free? It first begins with a sincere desire to quit: https://www.covenanteyes.com/2012/04/23/how-to-quit-porn-6-essential-steps/
My name is James I’m 15 years old I’m chistian-catholic and I’v e been suffering porn addiction for 3 years since I was in my 6th Grade porn made a massive impact in my life. It started when I’m watching the anime One Piece (I don’t blame it I watch it because the story was very very good I’m just telling that there is some not good content in it) still I watch it and read it every week. there is some sexual content shown there like beautiful women taking a bath and while watching it I felt aroused by it and it lead me to viewing nude pics of anime girls and I’m saying to my self “I’m only doing it to know about sex” and it continues until it leads to watching videos and masturbation
I prayed for it many times everyday to stop but it can’t. I always keep expecting that it will be gone away if I pray for it many times but it just can’t.it still continued I watch different genre of videos then I discovered gay stuff in porn and it questions my sexuality and asked myself “Do I really like guys” and then I realized I’m gay and It adds to my troubles, burdens and worries because what if my family knows about it are they going to disown me, desert me and I’m christian-catholic how will I handle that.
and because of that I became humiliated and embarassed to myself I lost my dignity and all my confidence It changes my decisions in life I decided not to have kids not to have a partner and did something I never thought I could have done that leads me to arguing with my family and loved ones and affects my relation ship with them I never hang out with my friends and my time with them decrease I became late for practices and activities because I was too busy watching porn it always lead me to the wrong ways in my life
I always deny about my sexual sins and every time I deny about that it devastates me I think that it only adds to my sins and think that there is no forgiveness for what I’ve even though I pray a trillion times I always said to myself “you don’t deserve to live”,” you’re more worthy dead” I became depressed I always think about killing myself EVERYDAY but I can’t because I thought that God will not accept me to his kingdom I’m to dirty and disgusting for him But I know he don’t think like that I know he always forgives me most of the time I forgot because Insiditme I can’t feel that he forgive me.
There is also a time that I discovered my cousins and Father watches porn to and I always blame and said to myself “This is my fault God is punishing me for what I’ve done”
I always feel very very down that I couldn’t anything to fix our problem our family are not very open about talking about sexes
Continuation:
I don’ know how to help them I don’t even know how to help myself I became terrified to be who I am because I fear that whole world will judge me because I’m gay even if I did nothing they bash and insult me Maybe I’m gay but I will choose not to marry a man because It s wrong or woman because I don’t her love to be wasted.
I just want to tell you how pornography affected me, my choices, my relationships to God and to my loved ones, and my life. I really need good words and advices for me Please Help me and Pray for me and my Family God Bless
Hi James,
First of all, I want to say thank you for writing in so bravely, at age 15. I think that shows what a person of courage and conviction you are.
Second, I want to say thank you for not harming yourself, even though you may have been tempted at times. You are God’s gift to this world, and we need to you here, just as you are.
Third, the shame that you experience around sexuality in general, porn in general, and then around homosexuality are probably the bigger issues than pornography itself. Shame becomes a driving factor in addictive-type behaviors, and working to overcome that shame is just as necessary as making behavioral changes like installing Covenant Eyes, finding an accountability partner, etc. Here’s a short animation I made on interrupting shame cycles, which might help as you think this through.
Fourth, I want to tell you that being gay is NOT a sin. I know that if you could make any other choice about your sexuality, you would, right? As a Catholic Christian, you would never ever choose this. I’m a therapist, I’ve worked with lots of gay Christians, and I have yet to come across one single gay Christian who wanted to be gay. Your sexual orientation is NOT a choice, it’s NOT a sin. You are precious and perfect just as you are, sexual orientation and all. I would encourage you to visit Q Christian Fellowship where you can find gay Christians living whole, holy lives.
Peace to you,
Kay
Hello everyone,
We have just read the above article for a reason. We all are seeking help! We all want to rid our lives of this drug! We want to better our lives with our family and friends, but most importantly, our God!
My name is Jason I’m now 30, I was first intorduced to porn by one of my sister’s boyfriend’s when I was 14, but didn’t start watching it religiously until I joined the military and was on my first deployment at the age of 20. I stayed a virgin until the age of 19, and then I found the “high” one gets from sex. While I was deployed I realized I could give myself the “high” and didn’t need a woman to get it. I was hooked and I can actually remember what video I was addicted to because I wanted my wife and I (got married at age 24) to reenact it, which was some role play. She was not a sexual person but her love for me gave her a sacrificial heart and she wore what I wanted her too. As our marriage went on I found myself watching again, but mostly after we had children and she no longer felt confident with her body. I found women who were, both porn and in person.
I confronted her with what I thought was her problem. Her and I would have sex about once to twice a month. I told her my eyes were wondering, which made her feel bad. I didn’t realize until today, the problem was actually me! It’s much easier to place the blame on someone else, especially when us reading this are the one at fault, we just don’t want to admit it. My wife and I will be divorced in a couple of weeks, not sure if my addiction played a role or not, but I believe in myself it did. I know have custody of our two boys and don’t want the sins of my youth to be passed to them. This addiction is a horrible one and can tear families apart.
13 Is any among you afflicted? let him pray. Is any merry? let him sing psalms.
16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
James 5:13, 16 KJV
https://bible.com/bible/1/jas.5.13-16.KJV
Hi everyone my name is Abel, i was addicted to porn went i was 12 years old and am 25years now am seriourly struggling to get ride of this but it hard to resist please i need prayers and support, these act is eating my heart and coursing depression to me. it even went to an extend that if i don’t maturbate i dnt feel ok. please pray for me my life is running out of control please i need help.
Hello, Abel – I’m so sorry that you’re struggling. What have you tried? Do you still have internet access? Are you really willing to do whatever it takes to quit? This blog post has 6 Essentials for breaking free.
But, it might simply come down to you making the conscious commitment to wanting to quit.
I hope this doesn’t come across as insensitive. It’s just that many people that come to our blog looking for help have never had someone tell them to make a decision. That’s right – make the decision to quit. And, then do whatever it takes to support that decision. I can’t make it for you. If that means throwing away your phone, then throw it away. If you say you “life is running out,” then your life is worth far more than a phone. Does that mean finding new friends? Then, find new friends. Do whatever it takes! This is a battle. No soldier “kinda” goes into battle. It’s after training, with weapons, and fully committed. Otherwise, you get destroyed. And, that’s what will happen unless you’re fully committed.
I’m rooting for you! If there’s a voice inside your head saying “you’re not strong enough,” or “you’ll never make it,” then scream in a pound voice, “LIAR!” because that’s not true. I’m living this way right now. Then, turn to God, and watch His Holy Spirit turbo-charge your commitment and give you strength you didn’t know was possible. Too many people pray to God for the strength to quit. And, then wait around and do nothing until He answers. That doesn’t work. Pray and then GO! Fight! Decide! And, you watch Him strengthen your actions. Grace-driven effort.
Chris
My name is Sean I’m 17 years old and have been addicted to porn ever since I was 13. Started off small but then became daily. I pray all the time for the strength to be ride of it, and from time to time I go days without it. However, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak, thus my natural biology and sexual desires tempt me into porn. I’ve always known telling others would help as god gives us that truth. But I’m so scared to tell due to the reactions from family. I have tried before with nonchristian freinds, as most kids my age tend to be,but they’ve made it seem so merge. It’s been so hard to not want it denying its pleasure makes it harder to stop. Like all things it’s there for a reason but not for masturbation. I have many reasons to quit, God’s conmand alone is enough but I can’t control myself. God has acted on my prayers before and reviled much to me. I want kids when I get married and the prospect of not being able to produce my own children scares me. There are of course other alternatives but sin is sin. No matter how small or prevalent it may be I feel its effects daily even trying to tell myself no and even in the act I remind myself of what I should have done. I offer my pain and my loneliness to god as he will provide. Such as this, this text I pray will be one of the opertunitys I’ve been provide and search for, that may finally put a break to this. I thank you for reading, and pray for all of you.