Each year, I find myself reflecting on a question I get asked often as a former sex addict and now sex addiction recovery mentor:
“Can you really be free from porn?”
It’s a valid question. After all, it seems that there are far more people these days who struggle with porn and habitual sexual sin than there are former addicts like myself who are living in freedom. That should be no surprise to anyone given the sex-saturated culture we live in today, right?
So what’s the answer? Is lasting freedom really possible, or is it just a pipe dream?
Absolutely! In fact, as Christ-followers, freedom is our destiny.
Scripture tells us that it’s for freedom that Christ has set us free (Galatians 5:1). But that same passage also goes on to warn us to stand firm and don’t submit yourself again to a yoke of slavery. After all, we are prone to wander.
So there are some things you need to know before starting out or continuing on your journey to freedom. To help illustrate these key points, I’d first like to share my story with you.
A False Sense of Freedom
For most of my life, I never thought of myself as a person living in bondage. From the time I was first exposed to porn at age 11, I spent more time pursuing porn and sex than I did avoiding it.
While it started off as a “shiny new object” that grabbed my attention, my relationship with pornography and all things sexual changed often over time. It reshaped my core beliefs and objectified my view of myself and others along the way.
As for my relationship with God, I decided not to involve Him in that part of my life. As far as I was concerned, I was already living in freedom–sexual freedom–and on my own terms.
Even as a husband and father living a double-life, I was convinced I was winning and didn’t need the services of a savior. After all, I reasoned, Jesus played His part in my life long ago, giving me eternal salvation when I trusted him with my life and invited Him into my heart.
Trouble in Paradise
The wheels started coming off of the cart for me in the early 90’s when the tech company I worked for introduced us to the internet. Not long after that, I discovered Internet Porn 1.0 and my carefully orchestrated life started to come undone.
This very adult version of a “shiny new object” was just too hard for me to resist. So I didn’t. I surrendered my life to it and let it take me wherever the wind blew. Voyeurism. Exhibitionism. Group sex. Every category imaginable, and many I couldn’t even imagine, right there at my fingertips.
That’s when the real problems started to surface. Withdrawal and isolation from my family and friends. Declining performance at work. Obsessive, compulsive pursuit of all things sexual. Before I knew it, I lost my freedom and became an addict.
Pretty soon, just looking at porn didn’t do it for me like it once did. The edge was gone. I needed more. So I started pursuing porn with skin on, and before I knew it, I got myself involved in an extramarital affair.
Hitting Rock Bottom
It wasn’t until two years after I lost my family and marriage of 15 years, most of my close friends, and even my job, that I finally hit rock bottom.
I felt hopeless and depressed and had been having suicidal thoughts when I took it one step further and started planning out the act that would end my pain forever, or so I thought.
As I started thinking about what to write on a suicide note to my boys, I collapsed in the middle of my apartment’s living room, overcome with grief and fear and shock and shame all at once.
That’s when I cried out “God, help me!” And much to my surprise, God answered me. Not in an audible voice per se, but with words He imprinted on my heart:
“Michael, I’m right here. I never left you. You left me.”
6 Steps I Took on the Way to Lasting Freedom
From that point forward, I started pursuing freedom from my unwanted sexual behaviors by surrendering my entire life to God. No more secrets, no more lies.
Some of the key steps I took at this point in my journey included:
- Seeking help from a licensed Christian counselor who was trained as a sex addiction specialist and was also a recovering sex addict himself
- Meeting weekly with a sexual addiction recovery group who used recovery curriculum
- Attending a local church service every Sunday (I had stopped going years earlier)
- Reading and studying the Bible regularly
- Praying and pursuing a connection with God every day
- Finally, I started using Covenant Eyes and recruited several people to be allies in my recovery
Ever since I started taking my recovery seriously (I spent two years “faking” my recovery and it cost me my marriage and family, and almost my life), my life and my relationships started to improve.
Over time, others close to me–including my ex-wife and two boys–began noticing and commenting on how much I’d changed for the better. Of course, I never took credit for that, and still don’t. The credit and all of the glory deservedly go to God.
He’s the one who led me to freedom, usually through the work of other leaders and mentors He brought into my life at different critical times. And He’s still at work sifting me and refining me into the likeness and character of Christ.
I married a wonderful woman named Christine. This December, we will be celebrating our 12th year of marriage. We serve together in BraveHearts, where I’m in my 18th year of full-time ministry leading people to freedom in Christ from habitual sexual sin. Together, we’re living a redemptive life and love teaching others how to use their redemption story for God’s glory.
7 Key Lessons I Learned on the Road from Recovery to Redemption
I’ve been on this journey from recovery to living a redemptive life for 22 years now. Here are some of the biggest lessons I’ve learned about living in freedom and leading others:
- Only the Truth (found in the person of Jesus Christ) can make you free.
- Most people don’t want to face the truth about themselves. It requires courage and humility. For that reason, don’t be surprised when you face opposition from some friends and family.
- You can’t lead others to freedom if you’re not free yourself. This is why former sex addicts and partners who’ve experienced significant recovery and healing make great mentors. It’s also why most peer-based accountability and support groups remain stuck.
- Freedom is never free, doesn’t come easily, and requires hard work to maintain.
- The journey to freedom requires motivation, endurance, and self-discipline. It also requires patience and commitment. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.
- The journey to freedom also requires resilience and a willingness to change and adjust course when necessary. The pathway is dynamic and can change at any time.
- The journey to freedom is a team sport. It’s never wise to try to go it alone. At the very least, you will need an experienced guide to lead the way (mentor). Peer-level support helps, too.
Hi I have a Q.
I found things on my husbands phone and after so much hurt that I couldn’t bear anymore I confronted him with his phone. He claimed it had popped up on his phone after watching a video of Sanford and son. I didn’t believe him after 29 years of marriage not being intimate. This all made sense now.
Since the heated discussion, he lays his phone hoping I would check it and sometimes I do but there shows nothing on it . Not even good searches of how to fix a wood working project. Is he telling the truth? Or is he just getting good at hiding it.
Hi Sandra,
“This all made sense now.” That is such a powerful statement. You were aware of things being out of place, you just needed the final piece of information to explain it all.
So, as you look at the situation now: are things out of place? Has he changed in other ways? If the old patterns are still the same, then he is probably just getting good at hiding it.
Here’s an article that talk about two kinds of trust: behavioral and emotional. When we are not sure about the behavioral trust, we can look at the emotional and relationship patterns to help us understand what’s going on.
That’s why you were able to say “this all makes sense now:” the emotional and relationship patterns were unhealthy, and when the porn use was revealed, you saw the behavioral piece.
Trust yourself and how you feel in the relationship. You will know what to do,
Peace,
Kay
Believe me, I thought I was hiding it but it does not work. It took me 50 years of marriage and 72 years of age to finally find the way to get away from porn. Only God will help.
I had no idea! We had been married over 30 years. One day I was praying for my husband’s spirituality; I sensed he was just going through the motions of being a Christian; he had no interest in reading the Bible . . .It was during my worship; I pleaded with the Lord to save my husband, even if he had to make me get really sick, so my husband would turn to him. The words, “Go to his office.” came into my mind. I kept praying, and the words, “Go to his office.” came to my mind again. I got up out of the chair, got my purse and keys and drove the 35 miles to his office. It was 5 p.m. exactly when I arrived. Most people were gone from the office, but it was not locked. I walked in; the floor is carpeted, so I guess he didn’t hear anyone come in. I walked into his office and was standing behind him watching what he was watching before he realized I was there. The body parts were naked and disgusting. I have been able to cry silently for years because of childhood trauma, and tears started falling from my eyes. It only took seconds. He clicked out, stood up and turned around. The look on his face was not guilty, not repentant, no shame there. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to embarrass him–there were a few people in the office area still. I was keeping his secret instantly. He closed his office door and whispered, “It’s not what you think. That just popped up on my screen. I don’t know what that is.” My tears fell faster, and I turned away. He reached for me, and I turned to quietly leave–forever. This is a true story. What I want to know is do guys ever quit by themselves?
Elizabeth,
Thank you for sharing your story and heartbreak. I can only imagine the pain and betrayal you must have been feeling in that moment. In response to your question: yes, men can quit porn by themselves. However, accountability and repentance are far better tools in recovery than secrecy and shame. By stepping forward and admitting his addiction, a man is showing that he WANTS to heal and be free, and this opens the door to accountability.
I pray that you find peace, hope, and healing in your own life!
Blessings,
Moriah
No! Only with help, from the Lord. At 72, he is still working with me!
Thanks for this start to recovery.
I nice hearing your massage. Thank you sir, God bless you
Hello,
After many willing and coraegous steps to quitting with porn I must admit I’m still addicted (since I was 12 – currently 27) I hoped that the marriage(married for 9 months with christian girl) would make me free.I’m still stuck and despite of crying prayers I stumble regularly.
Filip,
This is not unusual. My own story is similar, I thought marriage would be a cure. It was not. Not because of my wife, but because of my fear of connecting with her.
Anyway, there is a lot you can do to find freedom from where you are. I know the author of the article and he has resources to help you connect with others for help.
Thank you for that VERY candid testimonial.I,to,am ‘strugling’ with this “problem”. I’ve reached out to our Lord, & I believe he has heard my cries for help. The issue is obviously on my end. Still hoping,though… .
I”m struggling with porn and it still has it power from time to time. It’s during my idle time that thoughts come to mind. My wife comes from a mindset that holding herself away from me gets her what she wants and it’s creates more of a willingness to indulge in porn. How do you navigate that?
Whether you are having sex with your spouse or not has NOTHING TO DO. with conquering your addiction. If you were SINGLE, you would still need to conquer YOUR problem. If you are willing and desiring of OTHER WOMEN in porn harems, YOU are being emotionally and sexually abusive to your wife. A woman’s deepest need is to sexually know she is your ONE AND ONLY, and to feel safe and secure in your love and desire for HER. As long as you are using YOUR infidelity as a threat to FORCE her into giving over her body, you are treating her like a THING or a TOY that you own for self gratification, rather than LOVING and fully KNOWING her. She feels used, hurt, and emotionally unsafe, I’d bet- And until you get real help and stop this, she has a right to draw boundaries to protect herself.
Covenant Eyes is blocking the Bravehearts website, so I can’t access it to sign up for the workshop. (My wife can access the site on her unprotected phone.)
Hi Shawn,
It might be something as simple as changing your filter setting, but we suggest contacting Customer Support team by chat or phone (877.479.1119) for help with the issue.
I could not agree or relate more with your story. Through God’s Grace I did not lose my wife and family, and even better , have a better relationship with them now than ever before.
Your steps to recovery are spot on and covenant eyes is a huge part of that recovery process especially early on. The drug of porn gives such a false high that covenant eyes and the accountability partners are like the narcan used in narcotic addition. It keeps us safe and is the first line of defense as the “drug” overtakes our life.
Accountability software, combine with the other keys to success that you mentioned, are critical to giving us our lives, and the true freedom that God planned for us, back.
Thank you Covenant Eyes.
Thanks I need hear this