Each year, I find myself reflecting on a question I get asked often as a former sex addict and now sex addiction recovery mentor:
“Can you really be free from porn?”
It’s a valid question. After all, it seems that there are far more people these days who struggle with porn and habitual sexual sin than there are former addicts like myself who are living in freedom. That should be no surprise to anyone given the sex-saturated culture we live in today, right?
So what’s the answer? Is lasting freedom really possible, or is it just a pipe dream?
Absolutely! In fact, as Christ-followers, freedom is our destiny.
Scripture tells us that it’s for freedom that Christ has set us free (Galatians 5:1). But that same passage also goes on to warn us to stand firm and don’t submit yourself again to a yoke of slavery. After all, we are prone to wander.
So there are some things you need to know before starting out or continuing on your journey to freedom. To help illustrate these key points, I’d first like to share my story with you.
A False Sense of Freedom
For most of my life, I never thought of myself as a person living in bondage. From the time I was first exposed to porn at age 11, I spent more time pursuing porn and sex than I did avoiding it.
While it started off as a “shiny new object” that grabbed my attention, my relationship with pornography and all things sexual changed often over time. It reshaped my core beliefs and objectified my view of myself and others along the way.
As for my relationship with God, I decided not to involve Him in that part of my life. As far as I was concerned, I was already living in freedom–sexual freedom–and on my own terms.
Even as a husband and father living a double-life, I was convinced I was winning and didn’t need the services of a savior. After all, I reasoned, Jesus played His part in my life long ago, giving me eternal salvation when I trusted him with my life and invited Him into my heart.
Trouble in Paradise
The wheels started coming off of the cart for me in the early 90’s when the tech company I worked for introduced us to the internet. Not long after that, I discovered Internet Porn 1.0 and my carefully orchestrated life started to come undone.
This very adult version of a “shiny new object” was just too hard for me to resist. So I didn’t. I surrendered my life to it and let it take me wherever the wind blew. Voyeurism. Exhibitionism. Group sex. Every category imaginable, and many I couldn’t even imagine, right there at my fingertips.
That’s when the real problems started to surface. Withdrawal and isolation from my family and friends. Declining performance at work. Obsessive, compulsive pursuit of all things sexual. Before I knew it, I lost my freedom and became an addict.
Pretty soon, just looking at porn didn’t do it for me like it once did. The edge was gone. I needed more. So I started pursuing porn with skin on, and before I knew it, I got myself involved in an extramarital affair.
Hitting Rock Bottom
It wasn’t until two years after I lost my family and marriage of 15 years, most of my close friends, and even my job, that I finally hit rock bottom.
I felt hopeless and depressed and had been having suicidal thoughts when I took it one step further and started planning out the act that would end my pain forever, or so I thought.
As I started thinking about what to write on a suicide note to my boys, I collapsed in the middle of my apartment’s living room, overcome with grief and fear and shock and shame all at once.
That’s when I cried out “God, help me!” And much to my surprise, God answered me. Not in an audible voice per se, but with words He imprinted on my heart:
“Michael, I’m right here. I never left you. You left me.”
6 Steps I Took on the Way to Lasting Freedom
From that point forward, I started pursuing freedom from my unwanted sexual behaviors by surrendering my entire life to God. No more secrets, no more lies.
Some of the key steps I took at this point in my journey included:
- Seeking help from a licensed Christian counselor who was trained as a sex addiction specialist and was also a recovering sex addict himself
- Meeting weekly with a sexual addiction recovery group who used recovery curriculum
- Attending a local church service every Sunday (I had stopped going years earlier)
- Reading and studying the Bible regularly
- Praying and pursuing a connection with God every day
- Finally, I started using Covenant Eyes and recruited several people to be allies in my recovery
Ever since I started taking my recovery seriously (I spent two years “faking” my recovery and it cost me my marriage and family, and almost my life), my life and my relationships started to improve.
Over time, others close to me–including my ex-wife and two boys–began noticing and commenting on how much I’d changed for the better. Of course, I never took credit for that, and still don’t. The credit and all of the glory deservedly go to God.
He’s the one who led me to freedom, usually through the work of other leaders and mentors He brought into my life at different critical times. And He’s still at work sifting me and refining me into the likeness and character of Christ.
I married a wonderful woman named Christine. This December, we will be celebrating our 12th year of marriage. We serve together in BraveHearts, where I’m in my 18th year of full-time ministry leading people to freedom in Christ from habitual sexual sin. Together, we’re living a redemptive life and love teaching others how to use their redemption story for God’s glory.
7 Key Lessons I Learned on the Road from Recovery to Redemption
I’ve been on this journey from recovery to living a redemptive life for 22 years now. Here are some of the biggest lessons I’ve learned about living in freedom and leading others:
- Only the Truth (found in the person of Jesus Christ) can make you free.
- Most people don’t want to face the truth about themselves. It requires courage and humility. For that reason, don’t be surprised when you face opposition from some friends and family.
- You can’t lead others to freedom if you’re not free yourself. This is why former sex addicts and partners who’ve experienced significant recovery and healing make great mentors. It’s also why most peer-based accountability and support groups remain stuck.
- Freedom is never free, doesn’t come easily, and requires hard work to maintain.
- The journey to freedom requires motivation, endurance, and self-discipline. It also requires patience and commitment. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.
- The journey to freedom also requires resilience and a willingness to change and adjust course when necessary. The pathway is dynamic and can change at any time.
- The journey to freedom is a team sport. It’s never wise to try to go it alone. At the very least, you will need an experienced guide to lead the way (mentor). Peer-level support helps, too.
Thank you so much for sharing that life experience. It is possible to be free from porn. The true freedom is in Christ Jesus.
Am only 17 years old and I have struggled with my porn addiction for about three years now… please help me over come porn…. I e tried to do all l can but porn always finds its well to tempt me to watch it… Even as I type this comment… I am from just watching porn and I have masterbated twice…
I recently signed up for the 40 days challenge to get free from porn by convenant eyes..but it seems like nothing is happening…
I lacked an ally to share my sexual habits with since am an introvert boy … I have little friends..
By l need your help and prayers my brothers and sisters in Christ…
Porn is a drug and it’s digging deep inside me…
Please pray for me… I believe l can be set free by Christ love for me…
Hi Ethan,
I am encouraged to hear that you signed up for the 40 Day Challenge! It can be difficult to find an Ally to share your struggles with, but read this blog post for steps to finding an Ally. Even just having one person whom you trust—a counselor, church leader, or relative—can make a huge difference in your journey of recovery.
Praying for you!
Moriah
That’s an inspiring story. God bless you for the good work.
I was blessed by your testimony Mr. Leahy. I also struggled with pornography and masturbation as a teenager and it took me 8 years to be completely free from porn. There were times when I fell into the temptation to watch porn and masturbate and I felt terrible after doing it. But I praise God for true freedom from the chains that porn had in my life and now I can help others walk in freedom from porn.
I am very happy for those who have overcome this addiction- but as a wife of a husband of nearly 25 years that has been into porn secretly – I am tired of it. He also got into some drug addiction when our daughter was 13 years old – he totally abandoned her emotionally and mentally at the time she needed him most . She suffered greatly and ended up with depression , anxiety – health problems and an abusive boyfriend later on – her dad was too caught up in his pleasure seeking of drugs and porn to know what was going on in her life or protect her. My husband curses and screams and threatens to leave when caught instead of owning it and repenting . Punished me for his sin. But he goes to church on Sunday and puts on a front .
I am a sinner and need to change in many ways too – not trying to cast stones – but do these men think how they would feel if others were lusting over their daughter being on that porn image- that is someone’s daughter and most of those girls were sexually abused .
Or that the girl on that image is a victim of sex trafficking – And the rate of drug use, depression and suicide is high for these porn actors . I makes me sick – I have more compassion for the girls on the films – they are the real victims –
Paul Washer a we’ll known pastor preached on this topic about how he was so sick of men claiming this is so powerful over them – as he concluded – no it’s not that powerful if your have Christ in your life and you seek and love him. He says if you love God you obey his commandments .
Yes we all sin but not a lifestyle of unrepentant sin- I John is a great book of self examination if you truly have a personal relationship with Christ
I guess after my husband went to a Christian drug rehab twice – I fully supported him , never left him -I go to Celebrate Recovery with him – he is still unrepentant , no remorse even for what he puts our daughter through- to me the girls in the porn , children and wives of the porn addict are the real victims – but we are told to be so sensitive to the drug and porn addict . I have not seen any brokenness in my husband for his choices and how it has affected us – not every man deals with this issue as. they want you to think. Just a weary exhausted wife .
My husband says he’s only watching women in a .com website. I don’t believe it. He spends most of his free time at home in the bathroom watching those women and who knows what else. He’s destroying our marriage little by little. He spend more time watching that than being or talking to me. He says at his age, 60, he’s not going to stop doing that. I feel so hurt. I continue praying and waiting for a miracle.
Yessica,
One way to get him to change is to set and hold boundaries. This will not be easy, so it is important for you to have a network of support. Many men feel like they should be able to have their cake and eat it too, so when you set a boundary he will probably resist.
I know for my marriage the boundaries Lori set for me were a major way to change my thinking and actions. You might want to connect with her for more help (lori (at) pornpainhealed (dot) com).
Jay
At 60? I was 70 when I finally gave up porn. I was at a point where I could see nothing wrong with porn. It took me almost loosing everything I had in my life to realize there is nothing worth that. I have gone through intense counseling with my pastor and assistant pastor and feel I might someday be where I need to be. I have found GOD is the only way.
Is there not supposed to be any porn on .com websites? That is where I found ALL of my porn.
Covenant Eyes is the best internet porn filter available. I insist that my counseling clients install it on their devices as soon as possible.
Amen that is awesome testimony
Everything you said in this article makes sense, and parallels my situation, although I am not suicidal, (I believe that is one of those unforgivable sins).
I am hopelessly addicted to porn, and cannot stop no matter how hard I try.
There are a lot of other factors in my life that feed the addiction. I am very poor financially, and can never afford to see counselors. I am forced to counsel with people who are not licensed counselors (usually church based counselors who do not have the psychology degree).
John,
I understand where you’re coming from. As a sex and porn addict for over half of my life, it’s been a very hard, long road. I’ve lost and/or broken/bruised more friendships and family relationships than I care to admit or even realize, but I found Hope in Jesus Christ! Because of my addictions and acting out on them, I was even locked up and did almost 6 years total for juvenile and adult crimes, getting out 3 1/2 yrs ago. Only by the Grace and Mercy of God have I been given chance after chance after chance!!! Even messing up and relapsing several times since getting out, 2x going back to jail because of relapsing with porn. Things started changing for the better when I hit bottom last year after my dad passed away in the hospital and I relapsed again, sending me back to jail again – my last trip there! Last Oct, I found a Sex Addicts Anonymous group near me, started reading and studying my Bible and praying more, and started becoming more aware of my surroundings, temptations, feelings, and thoughts. Life has been waaaaay better, along with still using Covenant Eyes. I’m still a work in progress I know, even though I relapsed again just this past Wed and Thur, but God is Not finished with me yet – Nor with you yet either, John!!! There is Hope, found Only in Jesus Christ, our One and Only True Higher Power!!! Also try to find a good, supportive Celebrate Recovery group near you in addition to the other things I mentioned above that have helped me. Recovery and Freedom take a Lot of hard work and dedication and focus, especially in this sex-crazed culture!! But you Can do it, Only with Christ’s Power, Wisdom, and Strength!!!
Matthew,
Wow! What an incredible story and journey you have! I am so glad that you have found Covenant Eyes as a tool to remain accountable. God is most certainly not finished with you yet, and I am excited to read that he is working so strongly in your life.
God bless!
Moriah
You can always go to a catholic priest. Even if you’re not catholic many know how to assist people struggling with this. This is especially true with the younger priests. They have changed my life and helped me pursue chastity as a whole without holding back selfishly.
So I’m not the author, but I would like to weigh in on this real quickly.
You used the terms “hopelessly” and “cannot stop”.
Neither of these are true.
Just because you haven’t quit before doesn’t mean it cannot be done. Before 1969, we had never landed humans on the Moon, and before the birth of Christ, we have no indication that God had ever made himself man.
That’s not to say that you are wrong in feeling desperate and overwhelmed, nor that changing your attitude will solve the problem. I just wanted to remind you that you can do this!
Also, I would encourage you to check out this 21-day online program called STRIVE. I am not far enough along to personally testify to its effectiveness, but from what I hear, it’s really helpful.
It’s also free!
https://www.cardinalstudios.org/strive
Look for Sexaholics Anonymous meetings in your area. Members are asked to toss in a couple of bucks each week if they are able to support themselves.
I have found listening to the “integrity restored” podcast to add another dimension of greater awareness to the underlying brain chemistry and deep emotional triggers and impact my audition has on me and others. This has been very helpful in addition to blocking access.
Hi John, check out purityispossible.com. There are a lot of steps there that you would get in a standard (expensive) behavioral therapy process with a licensed therapist.
I signed up for Covenant Eyes last September. It is one of the best decisions of my life. I’ve struggled with addiction problems my entire life. I started lying in second grade and have been addicted to almost anything. I got sober by attending AA in 1995 and have been a member since. Sober of drugs and alcohol is great but living a life of the 12 steps requires a fearless moral inventory. Therefore money, work, anger, sex, and you name it, all must be part of the program. Although Sex has always been at the top of the addiction inventory for me, the internet created a very real challenge for me. I remember the day I destroyed our home computer with some virus and my wife had no idea why. I kept my problem a secret for sham. I am involved in our local church and help the Priest distribute communion to the people. All the while hypocritically binging on porn when given the chance. I remember the day my wife bought me a Kindle fire, I had no idea the trouble I was headed for. Now I could view porn in private and not destroy our home computer. This binging went on for about three years. Then my wife came home with an Ipad. When would this madness end??? I knew I needed Covenant eyes. I had an accountability partner already, but it was still too easy to lie. I took the plunge, and told my wife I needed this program. I still get tempted, but the accountability Covenant eyes offers helps me overcome this addiction. The longer I stay sober, the more confidence I gain. I started relearning, and playing guitar in church, thanks to the advice of the book Healthy Habits.
@Joshua D Ruopp, who is the author of the book Healthy Habits you mentioned, please? Is that the full title name, can you please furnish an ISBN number? Where can one get a copy? (I searched Amazon, google, b-ok.org..)
Thanks!
Jon
Thank you very much,this article was very helpful,am also undergoing recovery
How can I send a question to the author?
Hi Teresa,
You can ask a question right here in the blog comments. The author will see it. Please let us know if we can help with anything else.
Your experience is just like what I’m currently going through. I am hopelessly addicted to porn. And I constantly give myself justification to watch it!
I also agree that if I try hard enough, engaging in other Healthier activities, It’ll gradually take away my bad habit.
So I’m currently spending more time with Godly activities like reading The Bible & Praying.
But it’s a long road to recovery & I need you Brothers to pray for me:)
I’m currently hopelessly addicted to porn. I often give myself excuses to watch it & it entertains me.
I also acknowledge that God can change that for me & I’m currently trying to take my attention away from porn by occupying my time reading The Bible & praying.
But The road to recovery is long & I definitely need The Prayers of all you Brothers :(
Thank you very much Michael for your inspiring story.
All the best for Now
God bless
Michael