What does porn do to your brain? Can porn change or damage your brain in any measurable way? What are the psychological effects of watching too much porn? There’s a lot of information out there, so we’ve condensed it into this handy reference.
Does Porn Affect Our Brains?
Yes, porn does affect our brains—and it’s not good. The cravings experienced by someone hooked on porn can be like the cravings of a drug addict. With repeated exposure to porn, the portion of the brain responsible for decision-making and willpower actually begins to shrink. The chemical pathways of the brain designed for sexual pleasure are rewired to seek out porn instead of real sex.
So if you’ve ever felt like it’s hard to quit porn, there’s a good reason: it affects your brain! Let’s dig deeper into the science of porn use and the effects it has on the brain.
Porn, Dopamine, and More: What Happens When We Watch Porn
Your brain is an incredible biological computer, with billions of neurons processing countless bits of information, maneuvering your body, and shaping your emotions. It houses a whole pharmacy of chemicals, which work together to give you the experiences of pleasure, pain, and many other feelings. Your brain is also designed to adjust and adapt to different environments and stimuli.
In The Porn Circuit, Sam Black describes the various hormones and neurotransmitters involved when someone views porn and how each ingredient in this neuro-cocktail contributes to the problem:
- When having sex or watching porn, dopamine is released into a region of the brain responsible for emotion and learning, giving the viewer a sense of sharp focus and a sense of craving: “I have got to have this thing; this is what I need right now.” It supplies a great sense of pleasure. The next time the viewer gets the “itch” for more sexual pleasure, small packets of dopamine are released in the brain, telling the user: “Remember where you got your fix last time. Go there to get it.”
- Norepinephrine is also released, creating alertness and focus. It is the brain’s version of adrenaline. It tells the brain, “Something is about to happen, and we need to get ready for it.”
- Sex and porn also trigger the release of oxytocin and vasopressin. These hormones help to lay down the long-term memories for the cells. They “bind” a person’s memories to the object that gave him or her sexual pleasure.
- The body releases endorphins, natural opiates that create a “high,” of pleasure throughout the whole body.
- After sexual release, serotonin levels also change, bringing a sense of calm and relaxation.
This system works the way it is supposed to work when you’re having sex with your spouse. Together, you can experience a high, an alertness of sexual pleasure, and a deep calm afterward (norepinephrine, endorphins, and serotonin). With each sexual embrace, you are emotionally bonding to this person (oxytocin and vasopressin). Over time, a craving for sex is transformed into a desire for one another (dopamine).
Something very similar happens when your brain is “on porn.” Porn activates the same pleasurable chemicals in your brain that make sex so enjoyable and meaningful. But porn isn’t real sex, and it actually short-circuits the system with disturbing side effects. In this short video, Matt Fradd talks about our brains and the chemicals at work when we look at porn.
3 Ways Porn Affects Our Brain
Your brain is different when it’s on porn. The chemicals at work in your brain have at least 3 measurable effects that researchers have noted.
1. The brain is “tattooed” with porn.
Your brain is designed to remember important situations and events. When you see porn, your brain gets the signal that something important has happened. Consequently, porn can leave an imprint of the image on the brain long after is viewed. Many people who have quit looking at porn still have minds full of pornographic images—images that won’t leave. One of our readers recently commented, “Even though I haven’t viewed porn in quite a while, I still have very vivid images in my mind that make me want to go back to it.” This kind of experience with porn is extremely common.
Why is that? It’s because of the chemicals at work: norepinephrine, oxytocin, and vasopressin, which work together to form lasting memories. The effect on the brain is that looking at porn, even briefly, can leave your mind with a built-in library of images that you can’t erase. Neuroscientist Dr. William Struthers, the author of Wired for Intimacy, compares this to a “neurological tattoo, which is difficult to ‘unremember’ or to wipe away.”
2. The brain bonds to porn, not a person.
Sex is designed to bond you to a person. With porn, instead of forming a deep connection to a person, your brain ends up “bonding” to a pornographic experience. Your brain remembers where the sexual high was experienced, and each time you desire sexual stimulation, you feel a sharp sense of focus: I’ve got to go back to the porn.
In addition to this bonding, pornography gives the brain an unnatural high. Neuroscientist Dr. Donald Hilton says this is because porn is a “supranormal stimulus.”¹ In a popular TEDx talk, physiology teacher Gary Wilson explains that when men look at porn, they experience surge after surge of dopamine in the brain. The brain eventually fatigues, stopping the production of dopamine, leaving the viewer wanting more but unable to reach a level of satisfaction.
As a result, everyday pleasures stop causing excitement and the viewer seeks out more novel, more intense pornography to get the same high as before. This imbalance in the brain leads to many problems: impotence with your spouse, frequent masturbation with very little satisfaction, anxiety, fatigue, lack of motivation, inability to concentrate, and escalating tastes for more bizarre or novel porn.
3. Porn shrinks your brain.
Porn users’ brains are actually smaller than normal. Cambridge Neuropsychiatrist Valerie Voon was featured in the UK documentary Porn on the Brain. Her research demonstrates that the brains of habitual porn users show great similarity to the brains of alcoholics. A brain structure called the ventral striatum plays a significant role in the reward system of the brain—the pleasure pathways. It is the same part of the brain that “lights up” when an alcoholic sees a picture of a drink.² A German study found similar results.
Dr. William Struthers sounds a similar alarm, teaching that viewing pornography and masturbating actually weakens the region of our brain known as the cingulate cortex—the region that is responsible for moral and ethical decision making and willpower. This means feeling the compulsive “need” to look at porn.
It may lead someone to engage in increasingly risky behavior, such as looking at porn at work, consuming more extreme or even illegal porn, or acting out sexually in other ways—such as visiting strip clubs or soliciting prostitutes.
The Psychological Effects of Porn on the Brain
We can look at the effects of porn on the brain at a chemical level, but we can also look at the effects of porn from a psychological perspective. Sex addiction therapist and porn recovery expert Dr. Kevin Skinner says:
Our emotions are heavily influenced by the chemicals that run through our bodies. Consequently, when the pornography addict is viewing pornography he is altering his normal emotional state… When a pornography addict comes down off the rush from the chemicals dumped into the system, he is likely to feel more depressed and emotionally down.³
One commenter on our blog said, “I hope I can stop this as it leaves me depressed and makes me feel worthless. Whenever I wake up I feel like a pile of bricks and I can’t get up because of how I feel. It destroys me emotionally every time…”
Here’s a short summary of research into the psychological effects of porn on the brain.
Porn may increase anxiety or depression.
At Covenant Eyes, we speak with people every day who are experiencing depression and anxiety related to porn. Research has found a correlation between watching porn and anxiety and depression, particularly those who want to stop watching porn but can’t. One study of university students indicated a strong connection between compulsive porn use and anxiety.4
Some experts are dubious about the connection between porn and depression or anxiety. Nonetheless, they acknowledge that porn can affect relationships, which in turn can result in depression or anxiety.5
Porn can change sexual beliefs.
We start to desire what we see in porn. We start to need more novel types of porn to get the same high we got with our first porn encounter. The more porn is consumed, the more it changes how we see women. It can even lead us to think violence is sexy. Looking at these images and videos can “pornify” a person’s outlook on life. and how they see the world and women as sex objects. Studies show that porn can change the way people view women. A 2020 longitudinal study found, “Compelling evidence shows that frequency of pornography exposure is associated with negatively perceived body image and sexual body image.”6
Dr. Dolf Zillmann and Dr. Jennings Bryant found that people who watched porn were desensitized to violent sex and rape. People who watched porn had a lower view of traditional institutions like marriage and family.7
Porn often intensifies shame.
At Covenant Eyes, we often refer to the “shame cycle.” People trying to quit porn often feel a deep sense of shame that can drive them into relapse and further emotional bondage. The negative feelings associated with porn, rather than giving them the motivation to quit, often contribute to feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.
A recent independent study had similar findings. A group of men surveyed reported feelings of shame regarding their porn use. They also reported feelings of shame related to the way porn had affected their sexual preferences.8
Pastor, counselor, and research Jay Stringer has found a strong connection between porn and shame, “For those of us who have struggled with pornography, shame is an all-too-familiar companion.” Shame can be both a result of looking at porn, particularly for those whose moral belief system says porn is wrong, and a trigger for further porn consumption.
Porn can lead to memory loss.
In some cases, porn may lead to memory loss. Sound crazy? One study concluded, “[T]hat pornography addiction may be associated with impaired recent verbal memory in juveniles.”9 Another study looked more broadly at short-term memory with a group of 28 healthy individuals and came up with similar results.10
If you’re hooked on porn, you may have the experience of looking up at the clock and realizing you’ve burned through a couple of hours looking at porn when you have other things you should be doing. The bottom line is, there’s reason to believe that looking at porn may make it more difficult to retain the information you need for important tasks, whether you’re in school or working.
Withdrawal Symptoms
The effects of porn are so powerful they can feel paralyzing for some people. On top of this, when trying to quit porn, many people also report withdrawal symptoms. These can include mood swings, anxiety, and depression. Some have even reported headaches. One commenter asked us:
I want to get better but my withdrawal symptoms get real intense… I can’t seem to think straight or catch my breath. I also get flu like symptoms for the first week or so. How long do I have to hold out for the withdrawal symptoms to subside?
These symptoms result from the powerful neurological and psychological effects that porn has on the brain. Effects like this rarely last long, but they can be intense. But don’t be discouraged! This doesn’t mean it’s hopeless. See our post, 10 Symptoms of Porn Addiction Withdrawal (And How to Manage Them). Here you’ll find practical help on what to expect when quitting porn, and strategies to ensure your success.
We strongly encourage you to find an ally for your journey, so you have someone cheering you on and helping you stay the course when things get tough.
Can I rewire my brain from porn’s effects?
It can feel overwhelming, but change is possible. You can rewire your brain. Tens of thousands of men and women have broken free from the grip of pornography and reclaimed their sexuality. Every day, we hear from people at different stages of the journey. Here’s what some of them are saying:
“I need to change to get my life, my hopes, and my future back. Today is my first day with this program.”
“I was sexually abused as a kid growing and I got addicted to pornography and masturbation at a very young age, I have tried to stop many times but failed. Covenant Eyes is the first program that has given me real hope. Now I can go without porn for months and gradually am getting to the point of total freedom.”
“Today is my one-year anniversary free of porn! That is after 50 years of looking at porn! It is possible to defeat this even for us older guys whose neural pathways are deep canyons. I thank God that it is never too late to heal!”
While porn has a tremendous impact on the brain, your brain has an incredible capacity to change and adapt. Even if your neural pathways are “deep canyons,” it’s never too late to start the process of rewiring. If you need help getting started, check out our blog post by sex addiction therapist Dr. Doug Weiss, How to Quit Porn: 6 Essential Steps.
¹Hilton DL Jr. Pornography addiction – a supranormal stimulus considered in the context of neuroplasticity. Socioaffect Neurosci Psychol. 2013 Jul 19;3:20767. doi: 10.3402/snp.v3i0.20767. PMID: 24693354; PMCID: PMC3960020.
²Eric Schulzke. New UK study finds porn affects brain like drugs, alcohol. Desert News. 2013 Sept 25. https://www.deseret.com/2013/9/25/20526176/new-uk-study-finds-porn-affects-brain-like-drugs-alcohol
³Kevin Skinner, Treating Pornography Addiction: The Essential Tools for Recovery, 34.
4 Camilleri C, Perry JT, Sammut S. Compulsive Internet Pornography Use and Mental Health: A Cross-Sectional Study in a Sample of University Students in the United States. Front Psychol. 2021 Jan 12;11:613244. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2020.613244. PMID: 33510691; PMCID: PMC7835260.
5 Russel, Robyn. Is There a Link Between Watching Pornography and Depression? PsychCentral. 2021 May 28. https://psychcentral.com/depression/watching-pornography-depression
6 Paslakis G, Chiclana Actis C, Mestre-Bach G. Associations between pornography exposure, body image and sexual body image: A systematic review. Journal of Health Psychology. 2022;27(3):743-760. doi:10.1177/1359105320967085
7 Zillmann, D., & Bryant, J. Effects of Prolonged Consumption of Pornography on Family Values. 1988. Journal of Family Issues, 9(4), 518–544. https://doi.org/10.1177/019251388009004006
8 Sniewski, L., & Farvid, P. Hidden in shame: Heterosexual men’s experiences of self-perceived problematic pornography use. 2020. Psychology of Men & Masculinities, 21(2), 201 212. https://doi.org/10.1037/men0000232
9 Prawiroharjo P, Ellydar H, Pratama P, Edison RE, Suaidy SEI, Amani NZ, Carissima D. Impaired Recent Verbal Memory in Pornography-Addicted Juvenile Subjects. Neurol Res Int. 2019 Aug 18;2019:2351638. doi: 10.1155/2019/2351638. PMID: 31531240; PMCID: PMC6721264.
10 Laier C, Schulte FP, Brand M. Pornographic picture processing interferes with working memory performance. J Sex Res. 2013;50(7):642-52. doi: 10.1080/00224499.2012.716873. Epub 2012 Nov 20. PMID: 23167900.
great article , i am addicted on pornography and masturbation for more than 15 yrs ,Is there any way to stop this bad habit. I tried many times to stop it but all of them are failed . the longest period of prevention ofwatching porn and masturb was 1 month . and i felt depression during the days with trials of prevention of masturbation . thx excuse me for my bad english.
So sorry to hear that. I can identify. My porn habit lasted for years, and it was a difficult habit to break.
I highly recommend you read our book, Your Brain on Porn. Have you read it yet?
My name is Jayden Tuma i am 14 years old and addicted to pornagraphy. It started about one or two years ago when my cousin showed me a playboy magazine and as soon as i say the first couple of pages i was hooked on it. My mom has already found out about it but no matter what i can’t stop (and i really want to stop,heck my mom even threatened me saying the next time she found out that she would send me to a rehab center). I’ve read many articles about how bad porn is for your body and mind but pornagraphy is to addicting. If you guys know any website that can help me stop looking at porn that would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Jayden. Thanks for sharing. I would highly recommend you read this other article about how porn impacts the brain on our blog. It addresses why you often feel like you don’t have any real willpower when it comes to porn. It also gives you practical ideas about how to (1) cut yourself off from porn, and (2) build up your mind so you can create new, good habits to replace the bad ones.
I also encourage you to talk to your mom about this after you read this article. It would be sad if this issue was causing a rift between you and her. Help her to see that you want to make a plan to stop using porn and there are tools available to help people overcome, but you need her help look for potential area of weakness. Hopefully, she’ll be really happy that you are making an honest effort and taking real, concrete steps to change.
The key ingredient to any strategy you use is humility. It is too easy, in the heat of the moment, to give into temptation and throw out all your plans. This is why right now, while you have a clear head, you need to make an escape plan knowing the day of temptation will come. When you are at your best, plan for your worst.
Please let us know if we can help more!
Hi Jayden, I was also 14 when i got caught up in the bad habit of masturbation and it nearly ruined my life, thanks to the saving power of God that gave me hope to fight on.
its really a good thing you desire to cut this off as early as possible. Its already more than one year that you posted this comment and i do hope you got that victory.
Praying for you. Only the power of Gods forgiveness that sets us free!
I do appreciate your desire and willingness to ask how to break free from this bad sinful habit.
Thanks Luke, your articles have really been an encouragement.
your brother
Nwike.
Nigeria.
This is a good article, but a slight clarification is in order: porn and other addictive behaviors don’t necessarily decrease the amount of dopamine released, it down regulates dopamine receptors (d2 receptors especially.) this is a neuroplastic change that is reversible if you give your brain a break from overstimulation for a few months.
Thanks for the clarification. If it helps, that’s kind of what I meant, but I didn’t want to get too technical on people.
where did you hear this? It gives me hope that my motivation can come back and my life can be normal again, but could you offer a link with an article that proves this?
This article didn’t make sense. Sexuality is USUALLY related to a desire for relationship. Most people I’ve known who use porn prefer the relationship to the porn. In the case that they don’t, but are in a relationship, something deeper is going on (e.g. conflict in the relationship). What’s not addressed in this article is the shame placed on most self-identified sex addicts by religious systems. In my experience, when the shame is removed the “addiction” stops. More recent research debunks the findings in this article. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/women-who-stray/201307/your-brain-porn-its-not-addictive.
Interesting theory. I have no doubt that religious shame is a contributor to many people’s experiences. That’s a separate article for another day.
This article mentions groups like YourBrainOnPorn, a completely secularist group that is now helping many men who are suffering from porn induced ED, experiencing major withdrawal symptoms and a variety of other problems. Secularist men are drawn to groups like this, not because they are feeling religious shame, but because their symptoms have started to harm their sex lives.
As for the study you’re citing, I recommend reading Dr. Donald Hilton’s rebuttal.
Tim, men don’t need religion to feel shame for sin. Our own conscience will alert us to that which is unnatural and un-Godly. If we listen to our conscience, if indeed we have one anymore, we will not need church to tell us when we do wrong.
But the benefit of CONVICTION (constructive shame) on men who feel no shame over their perversion of God’s gift of natural sexuality, is an essential alarm loud enough to get through to them, as a fool headed towards a cliff on a very pleasurable road would need.
Sexuality is ORIGINALLY related to (indeed – DESIGNED for) a desire for relationship, to form and solidify the bond between parents to make a stable home for their offspring, the natural result of sex, which is, after all “reproduction.”
But nowadays, with cheap stimulation of the brain’s sexual centers at every turn, the USUALLY which you reference is now the rarity, not the rule. Shamelessness is actually what defines our porn-addicted society, not its deliverance. Research that suggests otherwise is thoroughly unreliable, in the same was that Nazi anthropological studies on the sub-human nature of Jews was.
Porn has reprogrammed our society, and it takes focused resistance to keep from being perverted in our brain chemistry so that we don’t crave fake relationships in pictures and videos and fantasies that we ourselves can control. That perversion is the new norm in the West.
Removing shame is not the answer. Answering it is. The “Check Engine” light on your car should lead you to diagnose the problem, because, PROBLEM there is! Remove shame as though it were the enemy, and you set a new generation of young men on a downward slope into oblivion, WITH NO SHAME. Would one remove smoke detectors from a hotel? That is a CRIME! So is the removal of shame over sexual immorality.
Hitler himself derided the Christian faith for the way it made men feel guilty for doing what was “natural.” This is a path of destruction, no matter whose “research” one cites.
Tim, stay with CE articles and ponder them regularly as you contrast them with Psych Today writings. Test your own heart by the words of each, not what you want to be true, and you will see clearly. Brutal honesty with yourself always produces fruit.
Those of us who have escaped porn’s grip know the value of CONVICTION if we respond in the right way. But pure shame only beats one down with no hope of rebirth or renewal. Learn the difference.
You can learn to hate your “Check Engine” light, or heed it.
Yes that’s true I also think that if a religion have some rules for seeing a girl or touching her ……..than obviously a man would watch porn for his sexual intentions.
I don’t argue that religion contributes to shame as guilt, but I know plenty of non-religious guys who still feel that way about their porn addiction. I think the shutting down of neuron receptors -down regulation- due to excessive use of porn and masturbation is a big contributor, as you don’t need religion for that. For the record, though an addictmyself (together with sexual molestation it was made available to me from age 8), I really believe that ANY use of porn is excessive.
This article makes perfect sense. The article on psychology today that you referenced doesn’t debunk the facts stated by Luke as there is nothing to debunk. This article states nothing about religion but rather describes the chemicals involved in the whole sexual experience and how that can have a detrimental effect on a person’s behavior that can have a negative impact on a healthy psyche. Porn addiction is a clinical mental disorder where a person’s daily life is negatively affected and people seek psychological counseling to get control. Watch the TEDx speech that Luke mentioned in the article and the other articles he referenced. You will find that some Psychologists come from different backgrounds and view the topic from a different angle but statistically, porn and sexual actions can have a negative affect on people and their sexual relationship for the reasons outlined in this article.
I am a Sponsor in a 12 Step program for sexual addiction. I try to provide current information to help sponsee know just how dangerous Sex Addiction is to the body and the mind. I would like to know what information you recommend that I use to let them know the harmful effects i that porn has on the brain. I really enjoyed the article on ” Brain Chemicals and Porn Addiction.” Addiction”,
Try our free book, The Porn Circuit.
Dude freaking out should of been recovered months ago, having a long flatline
I have a questions for you in regards to this subject
Thank you and this makes a lot of sense and helps me very much. I’ve struggled with porno addiction for years, and it helps very much to know some of the exact physiological reasons porno is so harmful. I’d read Dobson’s interview w/ Ted Bundy and, as frightening as that was, I ignored the advice and continued perusing violent porno for years. But for God’s grace and for responsible men of God like you who’ve helped me, I could have and probably would have become a sex offender. The temptation is still there, but the Lord is on my side and He is bigger than any addiction. Thank you to everyone at Covenant Eyes, etc. for giving me much-needed truth in the fight against my sinful desires. Also praise be to the King of Kings, my Savior Jesus Christ.
So glad to hear another story of God coming to someone’s rescue!
I was stuck in the bonds of pornography for many years. I went through the Pure Desire curriculum which Dr. ted Roberts put together, and in that curriculum he talked about many of the physical, chemical things that happen in our brains during an addiction, and in particularly a pornography addiction. I had so much guilt and shame over the addiction but once I understood that there were things happening inside of my head that contributed to me continuing to look at it, it wasn’t an excuse for me, but it helped tremendously to know that there was more of a reason aside from me just being a disgusting pig as to why it was so hard for me to stop. If you are stuck in a porn addiction, understanding the things that Luke wrote above is really a key piece in not just breaking the addiction but in helping in your healing afterwards. Thanks for talking about this portion of the addiction Luke. I have always thought it’s a critical piece. My story is at http://www.openrivers.wordpress.com if you want to read more about my journey there. But I have got to tell you Luke, the things you put up here have really ministered to me. Thank you.
Thanks, Paul. We’ve had a great relationship with Dr. Roberts for years. He’s a wise man.
It is helpful to understand why porn is hurt to the marriage. However, I understand that porn is commit adultery.
I used to watch porn, but when I discovered that porn affects the brain, I started to crave on more information on how porn affects the brain, and when completely understood the affects, I felt different, like I didn’t even felt that I need to crave on mor porn, and porn wasn’t that interesting now, I didn’t even felt excitement or something when I last watched porn. I didn’t even felt that I needed to masturbate anymore, it became old for me. And now I can control the way I view porn. Oh and porn didn’t even affected my relationships on my siblings. I would still go out every day, whic I noticed that porn, doesn’t have affects on me now, after I understood the affects clearly. So now that porn doesn’t affects me. I still do the same things and feel the same.
I have been masturbating to porn for a year and a half and have a clinical depression from it and taking antidepressants and antipsychotics and sleep Meds.
It has destroyed my life.
Hi Sammy, I’m heart broken reading this. Porn is a monster that destroys lives, which you are experiencing. Other than the medical help, are you receiving any counseling for you?
Is Masturbation to porn the same as real sex if done once a day for lets say 10 minutes each. Would porn effect the brain more or would they be on par if done for 10 minutes each daily?
i used to watch porn but now iv understood that it affects the brain
My addiction started at the age of 13 when a guy up the road gave me a trsh bag full of porn magazines. The masturbation came at the age of 15. The consuming began in my mid to late 20’s and 30’s with trips to strip clubs and a swingers club. I’m 50 now. My life is pretty much beaten up and so much has been lost. I live alone, in an isolated area. Although I graduated college, I work at a minumum paying job. I have been trying to stop for 8 years now. I’ve taken an addiction class at a church with a friend. It’s getting much better and I’m determined to break free. It’s harder though, not having anyone that I am accountable to. I have to look into that situation more. I truely wish this information would have been available a couple of decades ago. But, I don’t know if I would have read it anyways. I was in deep. I still read up on the effects, the information is so helpful in this battle for the soul, and have no doubts, it is a battle for the soul. The hardest part is when you come out of the fogginess, and your brain clears, you become aware. Aware of all the time that was wasted on this filthy addiction. I’ve heard it said, SIN WILL ALWAYS TAKE YOU FARTHER THAN YOU WANTED TO GO – IT WILL KEEP YOU LONGER THAN YOU INTENDED TO STAY – AND IT WILL COST YOU SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU INTENDED TO PAY.
My price was astronomically high, I don’t have much left in my life, but God’s given me one thing to hold on to, hope.
I doubt there is anything wrong with occasional porn usage in moderation. If you are addicted and it is ruining other areas of your life, then it’s a problem like anything else: alcohol, video games, etc. Some guys can’t get a girlfriend for whatever reason and it is nice for them to have a release. It’s probably better than going to a prostitute. There are other benefits of porn that aren’t mentioned. Rape and violent crime have dramatically decreased. Young men are more docile and the majority of young men now use porn. It is a tricky issue.
How to reverse these problem which is caused by porn. Does these blunders can be reverse or not ?
I’ve recently started my journey back to a pornless world
I am a woman who has been seeing a man for ten yrs & both being Christians all of our lives my 25 year marriage ended not from my husband using porn but from emotional abuse the guy I have been saying for 10 years knows every part of the emotional abuse that I went through and it took me years to get past yet but I never let it affect my relationship with him recently I happen to find a lot of porn on his phone something I have never battled with in my marriage or did I even imagine that it was something that he was hiding all these years he didn’t admit to anything I found it after about a week he admitted to it being the truth even though how could he deny it I wonder if he would’ve ever confessed to it I do not believe that he would have in fear of knowing it would end our relationship because I found it on his phone for years ago I didn’t go in detail to see how many times he had viewed porn for years ago I just seen that he had viewed it and one time was enough I for gave him he did not get counseling neither did I but two months ago when I found it I just found so many sites I was overwhelmed and it was over a long period of time I met a very bad place I am in counseling for me I know I have to forgive him through God I make that choice to forgive but if you could help me understand from a man’s point of you how can someone that you see every day tell you they love you and ask you to marry them but viewing porn every day I am reaching out to you because your story blessed me so I have no one else I can go to I’m seeing a female counselor I just couldn’t imagine myself betraying him in this way I do not put myself above it but I just need some answers he has downloaded the covenant eyes app on his phone but if you could help me to understand and just every day terms how can someone say they love and know about all of the emotional abuse you went through in your marriage and often speaking very negative of my ex which I did not defend my ex because it was true but now the pain that I went through in my marriage it would be a cakewalk compared to the devastation of finding not just regular porn but triple X and just so many porn sites I was overwhelmed if you could help me please do thank you God bless
Hey there.
I think shame is at the root of the problem you’re facing. There is so much sexual shame in our culture, especially in Christian culture, and it creates an environment that’s perfect for creating the situation you describe.
Women are taught to ignore their sexuality and to blame themselves for anything that goes wrong in a relationship. Men have been taught to deny, repress, and ignore their emotions (“big boys don’t cry”), to feel deep shame about their sexuality, and then they’re taught that it’s inevitable that they will act out (“boys will be boys”). This is a toxic stew that is not easy to undo.
I would say that he probably needs therapy for himself to uncover this and heal. CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) is a great option.
I would suggest that you check out the resources at Bloom for Women, where they take a trauma informed approach for partners.
Keep in mind that forgiveness is not an excuse for him to ignore your boundaries, and forgiveness on your part doesn’t guarantee that the relationship can be mended. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that you may find helpful.
I hope that helps,
Kay