If you’ve discovered your boyfriend watches porn, you’re not alone. I got a letter from a young woman asking about how to deal with her boyfriend’s porn habit while dating. She gave me permission to share what she writes.
“My boyfriend has been using porn since adolescence. During college he began to seek help by attending Sexaholics Anonymous meetings and being very involved with accountability and mentoring through that organization.
We are both Christians in our mid-20s, and he has read many other books over the years and prayed so much. He was open with me about his struggle before we started dating, and explained that he was getting help, but purity would probably always be a struggle in his life.
We are considering a serious relationship now, but my question is this—I know he’s serious about gaining victory in the area of sexual purity, and I know it’s going to be difficult, but what should I look for before considering a more serious relationship with him? Complete victory (i.e. not viewing porn and not masturbating) for a specific length of time? Improvement but not complete victory? I believe in God’s power to transform his life, and he does too, but this is still scary.
Most material I find is aimed at wives, and thus encourages them to stay and fight for the marriage, but there seems to be very little material for people considering marriage. What healthy expectations should I have?”
First of all, I love that this young couple has already done a bunch of things right:
- He initiated the conversation about his struggle with pornography habit.
- He got help.
- He continued to be honest about his ongoing struggles.
- She listened.
- She educated herself.
- She’s thinking hard about her boundaries before she takes another step down the road to commitment.
That’s pretty impressive, in light of the harsh realities in today’s dating world. Let’s look at some common realities if your boyfriend watches porn, as well as some excellent questions and principles for any porn-impacted relationship.
7 Harsh Realities About Your Boyfriend and Porn
Again, these are harsh realities, but the best time to hear them is now while you’re dating–before you’ve made a more serious commitment.
1. Almost every young man has had significant porn exposure.
Christian or not—most guys have been significantly exposed to pornography. Therefore, many men you date are dealing with this on some level. Realistically, you can either date a person who’s honest and tells you about his experience with porn, or you can date a person who’s pretending. Or you’ll find someone in the 1.5% of guys who have apparently been living under a rock.
2. You can’t guarantee honesty.
You can promote honesty in the relationship by educating yourself and being open to the truth. You can’t guarantee honesty, though. You have to weigh the words you hear with the behaviors you see.
If you’re not comfortable with what you’re hearing, if you don’t understand what you’re seeing, then let yourself understand that this is a problem. Don’t proceed in the relationship until you feel comfortable and you have a good understanding of what’s going on.
3. You’ll likely need to start the conversation about porn.
Not only will you likely need to get the ball rolling, but you will also need to keep having tough conversations as the relationship continues. Women have to be strong and courageous. We can’t wait around for someone else to do the right thing. If we know the right thing, we have to take action, even though that can be scary and hard. (See my suggestions below.)
4. “Instant victory” rarely happens.
It’s a nice thing to hope for, and maybe sometimes it happens. Most of the time, though, I think you have to support your partner through a series of ups and downs as he learns to manage his issues.
How much of that you want to do while dating is difficult and serious. Individual questions need to be honestly addressed and not glossed over.
The truth is, he may not be ready to do the work, and you can’t do it for him. On the other hand, he may be working really hard and still struggling. Be real about what’s going on. Work to understand.
5. Marriage and sex won’t fix his porn problem.
He won’t suddenly stop looking at porn if you get married and have lots of sex. It’s not about you.
6. A different version of you won’t fix his porn problem.
He won’t suddenly stop looking at porn if you are skinny enough, pretty enough, sexy enough, funny enough, forgiving enough, or overlooking enough. It’s not about you.
7. Victory from porn is possible!
Porn can stop having a huge hold on his life, but it requires that he does the practical work of prevention and becomes more honest, open, vulnerable, and emotionally intimate with the important people in his life: God, friends, mentors, family, and you—if you decide to stick around.
A Few Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend About His Porn Use
Because most guys have had porn exposure, it’s a topic you really should discuss before making any high-commitment decisions. You want to know at what age they were exposed, how frequently, and what their current use is like. You’re not looking for intimate details, just the outline of the issue. Here are some questions and conversation prompts you can use:
- “Pornography use is a real issue for lots of people these days. I’ve been reading some about it, and I’d like to hear about your experience with it.”
- If the person tells you they don’t use porn and have never had a problem with it, here’s a follow-up question: “I’d love to hear how you’ve managed something that most other people find really difficult to deal with?”
- To check if they have a prevention plan, you could ask: “How do you protect yourself on a regular basis from everything that’s out there on the internet?”
- To see if they’re accountable and emotionally connected: “Who do you talk to about this? Who supports you?” “How do you think God feels about you?”
- To see what their expectations are of you: “What do you think my part should be with you in this issue?”
5 Healthy Habits for a Porn-Impacted Relationship
That brings us to two questions: What should I look for? What healthy expectations should I have?
Here are some healthy habits for any couple impacted by porn – dating, engaged, or married.
1. Take responsibility for your own issues.
You should each be able to identify and take responsibility for your own issues. He has a habit, and you have emotions about that. While he does his work, you do yours as well.
2. Understand porn’s effects on the other.
You should understand how pornography affects the other person in the relationship and have emotional empathy for your partner’s struggle. He should understand your pain, and that it takes time to work through those emotions. At the same time, it’s important for you to see him as a person with deep needs, not just a jerk who’s trying to make you miserable.
- Learn about porn’s impact on the brain.
- Learn about why porn is so addictive.
3. Have a prevention plan and a relapse plan.
The person with the porn habit has a plan for prevention and a plan for recovery after a relapse.
He’s consistently and voluntarily doing whatever he can, in terms of practical prevention: internet blocking, filtering, and regular accountability. These things should be an ordinary part of everyday life.
- Learn more about what it really takes to quit porn.
- Learn about creating a porn relapse plan.
4. Invite others into this part of your relationship.
Make sure there are people in your life who are aware of what you’re working on, and who are able to talk with you, give feedback, and offer support. This goes for both parties.
We need to bring our mess to God and to our community of faith rather than trying to hide it or pretend it away. We trust that He is with us and that our community is with us, on the journey.
5. Grow in your ability to talk about these issues.
You are growing in the ability to have normal, non-crisis conversations about how you are doing with your issues, and how the relationship is impacted.
One Absolute Guarantee
Here’s the thing: I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know what choices he’s going to make. I don’t know if you’re going to get the happily ever after that you want.
There is only one thing I know, for sure—one absolute guarantee—God loves you with an everlasting love, and whatever happens, you are safe in that love.
Knowing that, be wise, be strong, be courageous. Live in truth and freedom.
Frequent Questions if Your Boyfriend Watches Porn
Note from the editor: Since Kay’s post was first published, we’ve heard many more questions about a boyfriend’s porn use. Let’s look at a few of the most frequent questions we see.
1. Should I be upset my boyfriend watches porn?
It’s understandable if you’re upset by your boyfriend’s porn use. Finding out he watches porn may bring feelings of betrayal, personal insecurity, uncertainty about the future of your relationship, and more.
Here are a few helpful things to remember: most guys were first exposed to porn at a young age when their brains were more susceptible to porn’s addictive nature. His porn use is not about you. It likely started way before he knew you, and likely won’t stop because of anything you do or don’t do.
This doesn’t make his porn use right or even mean you need to stick it out while he recovers (if he decides to). Remembering those few things will help you have more understanding and empathy as you discuss how his porn use impacts the relationship going forward.
2. Is my boyfriend addicted to porn?
Wondering how to tell whether your boyfriend’s porn use falls into the addiction category? We go into depth elsewhere on the symptoms of porn addiction, but here they are at a glance:
- He uses porn to ease or avoid deep emotional pain.
- He has developed a tolerance that’s led to more deviant forms of porn.
- He gets angry or irritable when he can’t watch porn.
- He’ll do things he normally wouldn’t in order to watch porn.
- He’s consumed by an urge to watch porn.
- He feels helpless to quit or has tried multiple times without success.
It may be hard for you to identify these in your boyfriend, depending on your relationship. And ultimately, whether or not you call it an addiction doesn’t matter so much. If he’s watching porn consistently, at some point, it will have a negative impact on your relationship.
3. Is it normal for my boyfriend to be addicted?
There are two underlying questions here. First, is it common for my boyfriend to be addicted to porn? Again, based on the prevalence of porn exposure among guys, yes, it’s common for guys to be addicted to porn. The second underlying question here, though, is: Should I be okay with my boyfriend’s porn addiction? To this question, we’d say “no.” Porn is harmful, and it tends to negatively impact relationships where it’s present.
4. Why does my boyfriend watch porn?
We’ve written in-depth elsewhere about why people watch porn, but in short:
- It feels good.
- It seems harmless.
- Previous exposure to porn.
- Few real relationships.
- It’s used to cope with boredom, anxiety, or depression.
- It’s addictive.
- It makes plenty of false promises about important life issues.
Do you have any advice for how to get over the shock of the lies and betrayal? My boyfriend of four years has just admitted to me he has been addicted to porn for 3 of the years and it’s completely blindsided me and heartbroken me. I love him and have decided to work through it with him and he is getting help through mentoring, blocking, reading the bible and praying with friends now but I just still can’t get the images out of my head that he would choose to watch that every single day, multiple times a day whilst he told me he loved me? I just feel like our whole relationship has been a lie when he’s done this in secrecy and been looking at all these horrible videos while I went on having no idea about any of it. I have been praying and reading different plans on forgiveness and trying to understand that it’s an addiction and comes from being exposed at such a young age but I’m just finding it so hard that this is my reality now. I don’t know how to get over the hurt that he was watching it all this time and every memory of us together feels ruined because I don’t know what he looked at that evening. Any advice is appreciated if it’s said in love please, as I’ve said I want to work through this with him because I think it took a great deal of courage to admit it to me after all that time and shows he wants to change its just that I literally don’t trust him one bit anymore because of how long the lies went on and how severe the addiction was so it makes me really anxious about our future and if I’ll ever be able to look at him and not think about what he’s done and feel upset about his betrayal and lust for other women especially while all that time we were trying desperately to remain pure before marriage. Now I don’t even know if I ever could marry him, unless I can get over this and heal from it and him too? I’m so lost with the whole thing and have no idea what to do or think
Thanks for your comment! I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. Experiencing betrayal is heartbreaking, and trust is the most difficult thing to rebuild. We have a free ebook written for wives that I believe will be helpful for you. It’s called “Porn and Your Husband.” It will help you think through your immediate situation as well as future marriage. It explains the addictive nature of pornography, and how a person can get trapped in it, provides you with encouragement and hope, as well as practical strategies for moving forward with the healing process for yourself and your boyfriend.
Blessings,
Keith
I need prayers my boyfriend quits watching porn and want to he won’t want to any more
Hello! I found this article because my boyfriend opened up to me about his porn addiction of ten years… I asked him if he ever had conviction and he said he felt a lot of despair that he could never get out of it but that now he’s working toward purity. He ended porn in July of this year, literally a month before we met. He had told me at the time that he hadn’t looked at porn in a year because of the shame for the fact he had done it so recently.
We’ve been together now for four months and about two months ago he told me in all honesty that it had actually been in summer that he stopped and in September a few weeks after we started dating I found out he still masturbated, claiming to be doing it without porn and that it was okay so long as it was just a “bodily function” and so long as he didn’t sin in his thoughts, that it was just a release. That really saddened me and I cried right in front of him and honesty a week later he told me his opinion changed on it and that he was ending all of it. I didn’t believe him, beleive that he could or would do it or that his opinion had changed for the right reasons. However, since then he has only fallen back into it once, and then was guilty the next day when we hung out and he told me what he did the night before. Since then however, which was November 7, he hasn’t done anything. I have such a Hard time believing him since he struggled with it for so long, I really want to but the fact that he lied to me about it at the beginning of our relationship I have my doubts. He’s a very honorable man who really does want to serve the Lord, and he absolutely hates the fact that he struggles with this sin. He’s been very open with me about it since then as well as the process that he’s taken in setting up precautions and every victory he has as well as the things he is filling his time with instead. It’s just been heartbreaking to know he struggles with it, and given how recent his change for purity has been I’ve been really doubting staying in the relationship since he has this sort of struggle. I don’t know what to do.
Hi Charlotte,
I’m really glad that your boyfriend could tell you about his experience with porn. It’s hard to hear, I know, but the fact that he’s been able to tell you about it is a good sign that he’s taking responsibility for himself and working on it.
I think there are a couple of different things to talk about here. One is that our sexuality is a normal and healthy part of our selves, for both men and women. Purity culture in the church has caused a great deal of harm in the form of toxic shame to both men and women, and honestly a lot of the distress that we experience around our sexuality is not because our sexuality is wrong or sinful but because we have a whole raft of toxic beliefs about our sexuality.
As a therapist, it is my opinion that a lot of the porn that kids get exposed to at early ages is highly traumatic. The images of women as objects to be hurt and degraded in any way a man chooses is devastating to a young person of either gender. Most young people have very little support in understanding sexuality at all, much less in relation to what they see on a screen. Then add in purity culture with its messages of shame around sexuality and you have the perfect storm to create “porn addiction.”
I think the way out of this mess is to create a whole new, healthy narrative around our sexuality. Ditch the shame. Educate ourselves about respect and consent and equality in all aspects of relationship, including sex. Stop treating women as sexual objects. Learn to enjoy and appreciate our sexuality as a gift rather than as something to fear.
So now I’m going to say something that really shocks people who have grown up in purity culture. I personally agree with your boyfriend that masturbation in and of itself is not a sin. It shouldn’t take over your life, but it’s fine as a part of your healthy physical self. You have a sexual appetite like any other physical appetite, and there’s nothing wrong with enjoying your sexuality. I think that women in particular should learn how to make their bodies feel good sexually, as often depriving ourselves of bodily enjoyment has been part of the toxicity of purity culture.
Problems arise with masturbation, as with many other good things, when we use it as an unhealthy coping mechanism. We can all be vulnerable to using good things–food, wine, exercise, Netflix–to cope in unhealthy ways. Instead of feeling our feelings and processing through them, we substitute a behavior that feels good in the moment but didn’t actually solve the problem and may in fact produce more problems due to the shame that arises. So, do your emotional work, don’t use sex as as substitute for emotional work, and enjoy your sexuality.
The bottom line is this: your boyfriend does need to take responsibility for himself. And you probably both need to work on a healthy view of sexuality in general. You might appreciate the book Pure by Linda Kay Klein.
I hope that helps,
Kay
I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years he reveled to me his addiction to pornography early on in his relationship I was extremely hurt he continued to struggle with it and reveled to me that I was a huge fight I would find myself frustrated everytime he would tell me that he fell to porn again….I knew that it was about him not me but it still affected me making me hyper vigilant….not too long ago a girl came up to me and told me that he had told her an inappropriate dream he had of her (later to find out she was also instigating it)I felt so broken and cheated on I confronted him about it and he starting crying uncontrollably saying that he feels like it’s destroying everything in his life….I told Him that he had to be truthful to me about everything he uncovered something shocking To me from the ages of 8-11 he was molested as a child by a cousin…my heart dropped…he said that when he was 10 his addiction began he had to see a…psychiatrist because of his childhood.I know how hard it is I can see in his eyes the agony. He has never disrespected me forced me to do anything or done anything inappropriate He is caring and kind…I have seen him struggling And cry out to God his sister passed when he was 18 his mom passed when he was 21..he got cancer Twice when
he was 16 and then again when he was 20……I told him that I can’t be with him I want him to overcome I want him to defeat it I want him to be the person God wants him to be ..he has already impacted so many people with his testimony he is only standing because of God I can see the way God speaks to him the way he loves Him…..but he told me the hardest thing was not to fight cancer it’s to fight this addiction….. his best friend talked to both of us I told him I needed a Month break to pray and fast ask God to help me make a decision as to Whether or not to break up with him
I’m still praying about it does anyone have any advice
Hi Martha,
What a sad story. I would just say that your boyfriend needs help for the trauma he’s been through. It seems to me that he’s using porn and acting out sexually as a way to deal with his pain. Not surprising, but also not your problem to deal with. He has to take responsibility for getting the treatment he needs. He needs trauma-informed care. I would suggest that he search the Psychology Today therapist finder for therapists in his local area, and then filter his search for “trauma informed care.” He needs to get into therapy and stay in therapy for a while, because he’s got so much pain to process.
That’s the most basic step he should be willing to take, in my opinion, if you are going to stay in a relationship with him. Whether or not he is able to learn how to cope with his pain in more functional ways, I don’t know. But I do know for sure that while you can love and care for him, you cannot do his work for him. He has to do that himself.
You might appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women, which are trauma-informed for you and attachment-focused for relationship, should you decide to continue the relationship. While he’s taking care of himself, you take care of yourself too.
Peace,
Kay
I’m not religious, on fact I have great difficulty believing in a “rumour” or an old story from the past told over and over again each time with slight changes until, until it’s an entirely different story. None of us here today would believe in something they just “heard”, nevermind devote their every waki g moment and life to this “,phantom”, it defies logic and defies everything we know to be true.
That being said, I have trouble relating to the references to Jesus and religion and hope people can find a way to stop doing something that’s wrong because it’s wrong and not because they’re being watched by “God” or “Jesus” and will “get in trouble”,:my wish is for everyone to realize how twisted and disgusting it is to watch other people have sex. Sick. Abnormal. It ruins lives and families. It needs to STOP! LASTLY, I have great reservations about dating a guy who can’t help himself or even “struggles” with the “temptation”! If a man loves me he won’t be “tempted” not whole in my life! None of these men ever stop to think how THEY WOULD FEEL IF the roles were reversed their women being “too tempted” over the gorgeous men who are much better looking than YOU! GUARANTEED men would have a problem with this. It is a problem, it is put in society to cause harm to families and love between men and women and nobody is doing ANYTHING ABOUT IT! THE FILTH SHOUKD BE BANNED PERIOD. ITS KILLING FAMILIES, ITS POISON! HOW about we all ADMIT ITS SICK AND TWISTED RATHER THAN MAKE EXCUSES FOR MEN WHO CLAIM TO be unable to control themselves. We need to stop giving them excuses!!! They can behave when they need to behave they just dont any “problem” they have is a self control problem! It’s not a disease!
For a non-religious view on the harm that porn causes in relationships, you might appreciate this article from The Gottman Institute.
Wow so many others going through similar seasons.
A week ago today my whole world changed. My boyfriend and I had been talking engagement and marriage and now we are talking healing. Both on staff at church a week ago it all surfaced after he said something completely vulgar (in a joking way, but absolutely unacceptable regardless) to a workmate friend.
Long story short, he was completely honest with our pastor his upline about the issues he is dealing with and that porn has been a problem also. He lost his job because of it and because we were both of staff st the church this is now really hard for me. Not everyone else on staff knows what happened but they know he is dealing with personal stuff.
Im catching up with our Counsellor weekly and he is committed to counseling as well as having a mentor/accountability partner that he’s catching up with weekly.
I knew that he had a history with some stuff but felt completely blindsided by it all at the same time.
It’s hard because I love him so much and I trust that he really is committed to dealing with these issues and seeing restoration and healing. But I also know I need to protect myself, be wise and not brush over this stuff cause it’s really serious.
Sigh.
I have people who will walk the journey with me, but sometimes I think it’d be nice to have people that had first hand experience with it. I guess it’s nice knowing you aren’t alone in it as horrible as that sounds.
I think it would be really helpful for you to find a therapist who can work just with you, to help you process your emotions and work on healthy boundaries. YOu’ll probably also really appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women. I find that very often women are left out of the recovery picture, and it’s vitally important that you get help and have a safe place to process as well.
Thank you everyone for posting here. I literally read every single post and screen shotted alot of the comments to help encourage me. I just found out my bf is addicted to porn and idk what else to do other than to let God do the convicting, while fasting and praying for his deliverance and freedom. I didn’t know how porn can ruin marriages, until I did a tad bit of research and asked some siblings in Christ about it. To recall that I was sexually abused by a porn addict ex, makes me hesitant to continue to date my bf. He seems to hide things from me, and idk if it’s is out of fear, but he is working on being completely delivered from lying as well.
I just don’t have a good feeling about him. I do love him, and he says he loves me , but I just always had doubts. He said that he knew I was the one from the start. Of course, I had high hopes as well, however, maybe it’s the woman’s intuition thing that we ladies have that just tells us that something is just not right. I’m sure the woman’s intuition that we have is simply the Lord. Regardless, I’m glad I came here and got to read everyone’s struggles. It’s comforting to know that I’m not in this shock and betrayed mode, all by myself. I too struggled with porn but I’ve been delivered (praise Jesus Christ!).
I do get tempted but I’m disgusted at Satan and his tactics to make me want to sin that I just close out the window if something pops up.
Today, I was in his computer and I saw some ads that made me wonder “what’s going on? Why are these ads here????”
Didn’t think much of it until I went to sign on my email, and his email was already signed in.
I get junk mail too, but for some reason , I just felt uneasy when I saw his junk mail. I saw that he viewed an email that was new, but right underneath that email were junk that made me question why he would be getting these mails in his inbox and not his spam folder?
Anyways, did more searching and found out that my honey has an addiction. I can’t help but to sympathize w him as I’ve been there, however, I can’t imagine marrying someone that is getting turned on by sexy girls that have nicer figures than me (I’m fit, workout and I know I’m attractive but I def don’t look like a porn star). This just bothers me.
I have been cheated on in the past before, abused, lied to, and an array of things. Not wanting a pity party, but explaining why I’m more than concerned about any tiny red flags.
I took Melissa’s warning as a blessing. Seriously, I can’t imagine finding out that a porn addiction that he hasn’t been delivered from would cause him to cross the line and do things that could end the marriage and cause me to be a single mom.
And I thought that this could be the one.
It’s so disheartening.
Haha, we want someone that’s great in bed, but doesn’t have a porn addiction … Maybe I’m just speaking for me, but Lord I need Him to convict my bf and give him intervention and give us both wisdom.
I just don’t know what to do.
I don’t want to make him feel shameful or guilty, but going back to the, “I feel like you are being dishonest with me again. I don’t like you continuing to hide things from me thru denial/lies/broken promises. I’m still having a hard time seeing progress and wanting to make an effort to being delivered”.
I just feel like I’m a broken record sometimes, and that it goes through one ear and out the other.
I’m so offended and turned off.
And it’s easy for me to say this now bc we had an issue earlier this morning about him keeping his word ..
But I know I might get weak and forgive him and overlook the red flags if he’s loving and nice.
I don’t want him to give up on love.
I just found out that two months before we met, he was doing hookups with strangers in Craigslist. This is two months before he was saved, since he accepted Christ and the gift if salvation on the first day that we met!
Fast forward 9 months later, I care about my bf alot but I don’t think that I can say that I truly love him like I have loved in the past.
The trust is not there fully, it’s been broken by a lie about sleeping with someone that I really despise. Although this was before I met , when I found this out after we started dating , I chose to forgive him as we prayed about it, because I saw that he was willing to be delivered from being dishonest.
As sad as this sounds, I just want to hurry and find my future husband. I’m very loyal and too honest for my own good. I admit I lie to my professors but to my significant other , I quite often have said too many things that actually ended up hurting me later.
I just want a flat out honest and loyal guy who is sold out for Christ.
Someone that can’t put the Bible down , that can’t stop going to Bible studies, serving , worshipping , praying & fasting for global issues, etc.
I want a husband who actually does cry and has the broken heart of the Lord for those girls in the porn vids, as someone has mentioned above.
I want to go on mission trips and build churches or at least start them with him, however I don’t want to be a broke couple scraping for our next meal.
There’s much more that I want , but I also feel guilty for having such a stringent list when I’m far from perfect as well .
My bf accepts my flaws and challenges that I’m overcoming as I told him from day one .
I thought it was odd that he accepted all of them and didn’t share w me of any of his struggles.
I’ve become comfortable dating him, but I feel as if he just wants a partner to start a family with.
I want someone to be in love with , someone who will be head over heels with me.. someone who can’t stand unfaithfulness, dishonesty, lying.. someone who is so fearful of the Lord that he is anxious to be in situations that he knows might cause him to stumble …. And therefore flees from it.
I try to block myself from my struggles. I know my struggles and I know how sinning opens the doors for the enemy to attack. I know this very well since I used to get sleep paralysis and bad nightmares when I had premarital sex in the past, or sinned in other ways.
My current bf and I have not had intercourse. We messed around once or twice but we both repented, begged for forgiveness from the Lord and decided that we both wanted His blessing by staying pure until marriage.
His birthday is this Thursday.
Last year for his birthday, the girl that I absolutely cannot stand, took him out and they had drinks and of course , sex.
He lied about it for a while. This was the like that lost my trust in him, however , the Lord is good about bringing things into the light !
I am stressed that this Thursday , of course we won’t drink or have intercourse, but why does that bother me?
There’s just so much little things that stresses me out about our relationship.
I think I wouldn’t have thought about this had I not found out about the porn that he is watching 10-30 min a day , sometimes 40 or 90 minutes.
To know that this is what he is doing , makes me feel confused. I don’t know what to think, or feel ..
And I’m absolutely disgusted ..
Bc I was delivered from this and I know how hard it was for me, but it started with me WANTING to be delivered from it.
I don’t know if he wants to, but I know that he is excited to go “in his man cave ” at night.
This is his way of saying he needs space lol, and I’m happy to give it to him..
I always wondered why he had headphones on while on his laptop and now I know why.
Now I know the things he watches at night.
I even found out that this occurs at all times of the day, even three hours before church .
Right when he gets off work , right before he sleeps , during work hours , in the morning, etc.
He’s secretive and I just don’t know if I can marry someone that isn’t able to be 100 percent honest with me about their struggles and their everything.
I feel like at the least, I can be with someone that is willing to communicate as much as I am about my struggles and what I’m doing to be delivered from them .. for me.. it’s like guarding my mouth (lol), anger.. etc..
Anyways , sorry this was long .
Ty all for your posts. Any and all encouragement and advice would be greatly appreciated. Prayers would be more appreciated.
I just need God to open and close doors according to His will , soon…. And without pain….. In my life.
But I know His timing and His way is the best so idk..
I’m just frustrated.. mostly bc whenever I had something on my mind , I would share things with him, but now that he is the concern …
U know what I mean ?
Thanks for reading guys , if anyone read this book haha.
Btw, by no means am I saying I have my stuff together , I just want an honest and loyal man that is sold out for Christ and wants to worship 24/7 with his life like I do. And if something I said seems off, please don’t hesitate to correct me in love. Ty. :)
I would just like to thank you for this advice. My boyfriend and I are serious, both Christian, and both love God so much. But he struggles so much and hates himself for it. It’s not a choice, it’s an addiction. It takes time to heal. I am not going to break up with him just cos his issues are sexual. I have my own issues in other areas of life, and he supports me through that. Sometimes we just need a little help. So thank you.
Addiction is real, and there are elements of choice in how we deal with our struggles. He does have to be responsible for how he manages his struggle: therapy, groups, education, accountability. And of course you have the responsibility to weigh the impact of his choices on you and create healthy boundaries for yourself.
(In our 20s) I started dating this absolutely incredible man 9 months ago. I knew he had struggled with lust of the eyes before we started dating but dismissed it and told myself guys go through it. For the duration that we have been dating, I started to feel like he was doing a bit more than just lusting but potentially looking at things. I voiced my opinion on the matter multiple times in hopes he would tell me if he was or not. It got to a point where I confronted him last night (not in a rude or harsh way) and he confessed and told me he has been struggling with it for years and has tried to stop so many times but keeps going back to it. He constantly tells me how dirty he feels when he does it (going on sites and watching porn). I did not think he went on sites so that was a complete shock to me as I thought he just used social media platforms like Instagram.
We just attended a weekend young adults conference last weekend and he had an incredible break through with God and we talked about his struggles (he vaguely mentioned lust of the eyes but did not go into detail about it until I confronted him about it last night). His youth leader from his teen years was at the retreat and spoke on his struggle with sex and porn and how he overcame it. While we were talking last night (we are in a long-distance relationship), I told him to text his youth leader and ask him for help. He did it because he wants this to work really bad.
He is scared that if it gets cut off that his ‘urges’ will build up and he will do something he will regret. He is extremely scared of hurting me and is very ashamed of his actions.
We had a long conversation earlier today and I told him I want to be there 100% to support him, but I need him to make as much effort as he can or else I have to leave despite loving him so much. We have been planning to get engaged / married. I told him I would be checking up on him and he has to continue to be open and accountable to me. He mentioned the reason he didn’t want to tell me earlier is because he knew my opinion of it and was scared I was going to end everything with him on the spot. He also went on to say how relieved he feels to be able to talk to someone about it cause it was weighing on him so much to keep this to himself for so many years.
The youth leader responded fast and sent him scriptures and asked him to call him at some point that day. He said that was moving too fast as he doesn’t know if he is ready to talk to someone about it but wants to within the near future. I understand that admitting to something is scary and its terrifying to let someone know your dirty secrets. He has been extremely open with me about it but is scared to talk to his youth leader (who he has known all his life and is close with).
I just don’t know what to do. I sent him the link for Covenant Eyes and said this or another filter site would be good to use. I don’t have any friends that I can go to about this or really anyone to talk about my feelings as they all know him and he asked me to not tell anyone. So the only people who know about this are myself and his mentor.
I loved being able to read everyone’s postings and seeing that I’m not alone in what I’m personally going through. I’ve known he was engaging in this for so long but it all became incredibly real after confronting him about it in a respectful manner.
Any advice for my current situation?
PS. I apologize if this was poorly written and hard to follow. So many thoughts all at once!
Side note: 2 hours after I made this post he made the call to his mentor to talk about it.
Hey there.
A while back, I wrote an article here for dating couples. Later on, I wrote a short ebook for dating couples as well.
The main thing is, he must take care of this for himself. It is NOT your job to carry this for him. He needs to get his devices monitored and filtered. Covenant Eyes on computers, Accountable 2 You on phones. He needs to find accountability partners for himself which are not you and not someone who lives far away that he never sees in person. It’s fine that he talks to his youth group leader, but he needs FRIENDS who will walk together with him, daily. He needs to figure out how to deal with his emotions in healthy ways, rather than turning to porn when he’s distressed.
The real deep problem is a toxic combination of shame (here’s an animation on interrupting shame cycles) and “he can’t help it” ideas around sexuality, combined with men being raised without a great deal of emotional intelligence. So “big boys don’t cry,” “be a man,” “boys will be boys,” “it’s just locker room talk” PLUS “be the spiritual leader.” It’s no surprised that men aren’t doing well in this toxic stew. He has to figure this out for himself and get healthy! And keeping it a big secret is the worst possible way to deal with this. He should talk to his friends and his parents about it and get support from them.
THIS IS NOT YOUR JOB!!!
I hope some of those things help, but most importantly, let him do his own work on this, and you be wise about whether he’s actually doing it or not. He should have a plan and have support and utilize those things without you having to push him into it. If he’s not doing anything, and if he continues to keep it secret and be ashamed, well, you know what’s happening: nothing good.
Peace to you,
Kay
Kay, thank you so very much for writing this. It was like a dose of fresh air that reminded me to breath. God bless you!