Henry Cloud and John Townsend have written a marvelous book called Boundaries in Marriage. They define a boundary simply as “a property line” between one person and another. They make this statement:
“When two people together take responsibility to do what is best for the marriage, love can grow. When they do not, one takes on too much responsibility and resents it; the other does not take on enough, and becomes self-centered or controlling.”
That, I think, is a dynamic that so many couples dealing with a pornography addiction can understand. The addict is addicted, and the spouse takes responsibility to “fix” and help.
Now, there’s no shame in trying to fix things. Fixing and helping is what happens when you’ve got a problem in the family. That’s normal. I did it. My friends do it. Every wife I’ve worked with in therapy does it.
Unfortunately, I’ve never seen the fixing and helping actually fix or help anything.
It just leaves everybody feeling frustrated, exhausted, discouraged, and stuck.
The Boundaries Way
When fixing and helping don’t work, there is another way: boundaries. But boundaries are a total paradigm shift, and it takes time for us to be motivated enough—usually by extreme pain—to stop fixing and helping, and get some boundaries in place.
With boundaries, we draw a line between “me” and “you.” We differentiate. Instead of all living in the same lump of a problem, trying to fix it and help it, we step back and breathe a little. Then we start to see what belongs to you, and what belongs to me. We each have God-given freedom and responsibility. We each acknowledge this and make new choices accordingly.
God has given me a free will, and I receive it. With that gift of freedom comes responsibility, and I embrace my own choices, behaviors, and emotions.
God has given my husband a free will, and I allow it. With my husband’s freedom comes his own responsibility, and I allow him to have that as well. Even if he chooses not to take responsibility for his choices, behaviors, and emotions, I won’t carry it for him. It’s his to do with as he chooses.
That sounds simple, but when I talk about this process with women, they often feel scared. They’re afraid their husbands will do terrible things if they stop fixing and helping. What’s more, they feel guilty about considering their own needs and wants. They are sure that boundaries are selfish, mean, unloving, and just too scary.
It is true that, with boundaries, my husband makes choices for himself, and those choices are not always what I want. He says no to my preferences sometimes. That’s hard, and I have to learn to trust that God will be with me, even when I am scared and disappointed and hurt and angry. God will carry me through.
God is my God, not my husband.
It is also true that, with boundaries, I make choices for myself, and those choices are not always what my husband wants. There are times when I just say no. I have had to learn to trust that the he will be okay, even if I disappoint him. The way I respect him in that situation is by letting him feel how he feels.
- He might be mad or hurt or disappointed or scared. God will have to carry him through.
- If he tries to push the responsibility for his emotions onto me, by verbal put-downs or angry outbursts, I will remove myself from the situation so that he and God can be alone together and work it out.
God is his God, not me.
Here is another thing that I’ve found. When I am first very clear and honest about what I feel and what I need and what I want, I can then make a real choice. I can choose what I want, or I can make a choice that is not exactly what I want, out of sacrificial love for the other person. When I choose to give, it’s a real gift.
When I am not clear and honest about what I feel and what I want, then I will spend a whole lot of my time giving other people what I think they want, hoping that they will in return spend an equal amount of energy giving me what I want.
That’s a “sacrifice” for the purpose of manipulation. And while that might masquerade as love, it’s just control with lipstick on it.
God’s love for us is a sacrificial love, not a controlling love. He loves us, and He lets us choose whether or not to be in a close relationship with Him. I think of the parable of the prodigal son. The Father’s love never wavered, but he let that kid go into the far country and live in a pigsty until he was ready to come home. I don’t think that was a fun time for anybody, but it speaks to me when I think about how freedom and responsibility and love and boundaries all work together.
Here are some example boundaries from Boundaries in Marriage, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Verbal boundaries might sound something like this: Physical boundaries might comprise: Emotional boundaries could include: I wish I could tell you that having good boundaries will for sure fix your life into exactly what you want it to be, right now, today. But the truth is, real boundaries are a risky thing. We don’t know what the other person will choose. The truth is, life is scary and it hurts and sometimes I get mad and I wish I could control it and manipulate it and fix it and tie it up in a pretty pink bow. But in my saner moments I know this: I will choose freedom and responsibility, and an honest mess of love that hurts over the fake-perfection of pretend, every time. Because when we hold onto our boundaries, and battle through with God’s help, there is real love and real relationship and real freedom waiting at the end of the road. So every day, I try to do these things. This is a joyous and life-giving way to exist in every area of life. Also, it is messy and painful and challenging. And God is enough, even for this.
Thank you for this article. I have been trying to find the answer to a couple of questions I have now that my husband had admitted to a 5-year pornography addiction. Shouldn’t the husband work on his addiction recovery before the marriage relationship – I feel I need to see commitment to a change and action not just words before I want to invest time in trying to salvage the marriage. Also, when and how much information should be told to the kids who are in college and high school?
Hi Jamie,
Yes, I completely agree with you that the husband should work on his addiction recovery before marriage counseling is possible. Too often, if marriage counseling comes first, “saving the Marriage” is the focus when I think it needs to be on personal responsibility and healing for both partners. The husband has a lot of work to do, and the wife does too–although it’s a completely different kind of work.
What I would suggest for wives is that they find a therapist for themselves, someone who can help them process their emotions and work on healthy boundaries, no matter what the husband chooses. The online resources at Bloom for Women are really excellent for helping wives cope with the trauma of betrayal.
I think kids in college and high school should have all the information about what’s going on in the family. They don’t need details, but they need facts. If dad is looking at porn and it’s threatening the family, they need to know that, in my opinion.
Peace to you,
Kay
Hi Kay,
Thank you for this post..it is helpful for so many.
I wanted to ask you if you have encountered any dual addictions before? Namely, drug and sexual addiction..and how they relate. My husband uses a drug which enhances oxytocin in his brain and uses porn at the same time. He seems caught in a cycle of toxic shame about this. Unfortunately, due to the substance abuse I find when he comes home after disappearing he is exhausted/hit a low. Once he has slept/recovered, his brain has shifted from initial remorse (when he first comes home) to defensiveness. He shuts down any conversation I try to start, even when I express a need to speak about this in a constructive and not overly emotional way.
I feel stuck.
I feel betrayed on every level in our relationship: emotional, sexual, financial, spiritual. I find it especially difficult due to the dual addiction to find him in a right frame of mind for a constructive conversation.
I have set boundaries in place – at present: no sex, seperate bank accounts (I can’t trust him to not spend my earnings).
We have been co-habiting rather than being married and it’s a sad and traumatising situation. We are both struggling with grief and hurt. I’m sure he sees me hurt and feels guilty and this guilt makes him turn on me and blame me for his actions/choices.
I resonate with gas lighting to the point of emotional abuse.
I also see my husband as lost and hurt. Someone who is using addictions as a bandaid to numb the pain he is in. He has shared about feeling neglected as a child and subsequent abuse. He also saw a lot of trauma in his family life and as a result of living in a war zone for some time.
Any suggestions on how to get him to pursue help and find his pathway to recovery and hope for a future?
Thanks.
Carla, the sad news is that you can’t control your husband’s choices. There’s no way to get him to pursue help unless and until he is ready. The only thing you can do is look at the reality of the situation and decide what boundaries are right for you, based on reality. Boundaries are not to make him change (although that would be nice if he chose to!); boundaries are to make you safe and healthy. If you’re not able to be safe and healthy with current boundaries, continue to face reality and shift boundaries as appropriate. Here and here are a couple more articles you might find helpful. it sounds like he has a lot of pain and work that he needs to do, but until he is ready to do it, make sure that your boundaries are right for you. That includes separation and divorce. Peace, Kay
Hi Kay,
Thanks for your well written and to the point article.
We’ve recently had our first child. We expected there to be some periods of inactivity as a result, but we’ve been really stretched (high needs baby). For the past 1yr and a half, my husband seemed patient, and I tried to make myself readily available. Got back “into shape” in a few weeks and bought a new wardrobe. But he picks on my appearance, and even said he doesn’t feel that attracted to me any more.
Sometimes I will initiate things or hint we should connect and get cuddly, but he will comment that I should try and be more spontaneous. Sometimes when we start, he looks bored and recently didn’t even finish and to rectify, wanted me to face away in another position with zero intimacy (I decided not to part take, and he apologised after). He recently opened up saying he’s been using porn but didn’t specify how long. He already admitted using it before our child was born (although he said occasional).
When I asked him how can I help, what can we do, he said he’s dealing with it and knows it’s wrong..and that he doesn’t need my judgement too. And wouldn’t talk any further, implying I should be grateful he admitted it. I haven’t brought it back up yet but I thought he would have apologised at least.
Since marrying we left our home churches and we are not members of a church, even though we’ve been attending one for a few years. He is not interested in counselling (he likes to keep things private).
I’m thinking to seek counselling on my own,. I feel like he’s not happy with my appearance and sexual behaviour because I can’t live up to the porn. I’ve told him this before but he doesn’t agree its linked. I’m not sure what to think or do. Maybe I am sexually boring (he’s had other partners too, but I haven’t, so hard to know)
Your thoughts would be appreciated.
Yeah, it sounds like seeking counseling for yourself is really the way to go at this point.
I agree with you that his difficulties with intimacy are probably related to porn, but it sounds like he’s not able to admit that to himself at this point and it sounds like he’s defensive and blaming rather than being responsible for himself. Fairly typical of a shame response.
Here and here are a couple more article about boundaries that might be helpful as you think things through. And here’s a good one from The Gottman Institute about porn and intimacy.
The bottom line is, you deserve to be treated with respect and value, and you know when that’s not happening. Trust yourself, decide what boundaries work for you, and stay strong.
Peace,
Kay
What would be your thoughts on boundaries (emotional, physical etc) for a daring couple. Boyfriend opened up about porn addiction and lost his job at church because of it. So far he’s taken steps to show hes very committed to dealing with it (mentor, counseling, restrictions on phone etc). We had been talking about engagement and I love him to bits but I don’t know what’s the best and healthiest boundaries for supporting him while he deals with this. He has placed our relationship into my hands and I want to journey it out with him, in just not sure how that should look.
Limiting time together? Limiting other communication?
Any thoughts or advice?
I would say that if you’re interested in a long-term relationship with him, you need absolute and full disclosure as to the scope of the problem. You also need absolute and full disclosure as to the scope of his recovery efforts. While it may not be appropriate to know all the content of his meetings, you should certainly know who he’s meeting with, how often, and ask any questions that you want. I would want his counseling to be with a licensed professional, like a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist.
It’s pretty much impossible to date or marry any guy these days who doesn’t have significant porn exposure, so it’s not a bad thing that you know about this now. The real question will be, how does he do going forward, taking responsibility for himself? Does he take responsbility, disclose to his accountability partners, participate willingly in therapy, work on himself in general? Those are all good signs of healthy recovery. Or does he get defensive, say it’s no big deal, say he doesn’t have a problem, blame you for being a nag, conceal his process? Those are bad signs.
You might appreciate this article I wrote a while back about emotional trust.
As for limiting time, communication, etc., those are boundaries you can set for yourself according to what’s healthy and how the process is going. Here and here are a couple more articles on boundaries.
You can always find a therapist to help you process emotions and make healthy choices, just for you.
Peace,
Kay
My advice is do not marry him! Why put yourself in such a high risk situation for heartbreak and unhappiness? Get out, you still can and look for a better guy.
I’m afraid I will have to insist on a separation. After 18 years of marriage, one lost. Job and another almost lost…. He won’t give up porn, lust and maaturbation. It goes way beyond crushing me and making me feel less than. We’ve seen countless counselors. He hops accountability partners. Nobody knows the whole story from the beginning to now. He was reading some terrifying erotica a while back and I nearly divorced him. The job loss, almost losing us… Wasn’t rock bottom. Now this is the third time in 11 months it’s come out. I am so done.
It’s okay to be done after 18 years of this. It really is okay. It sounds like you’ve done everything you can, for as long as you can. It’s okay to face reality and have good boundaries.
Here’s one of the best articles I’ve come across, called A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce.
This is tough, but there is freedom. You are not a slave to your husband’s sin. He may choose to be, but you don’t have to any more.
Peace,
Kay
On the topic of separation sadly most churches do not have staff that can walk a couple thru a separation with the goal of reconciling. This is badly needed in our churches & frankly should come from couples that HAVE walked thru a crisis marriage! We are to comfort with the comfort our Lord Jesus has given us.
Second when you find out your husband has committed sexual sin, even if he says its limited to Porn only, PLEASE get tested for STD’s. It for your protection!
If you are going to separate along with working w/ a great Christian counselor PLEASE talk with a Lawyer. Even if you don’t want to divorce, you need to know your rights & especially if you have not worked outside of home & have children. You can do this discreetly by paying cash. Also right down your questions so that you are prepared because the lawyer will bill by the hour.
Awesome counsel!
Kay,
I’ve just recently started reading these stories and seeing that other wives are going through and experiencing the same thing I am. I don’t use social media of any kind, so sending this is very scary for me. My husband got involved with a young girl in the workplace in 2005, three years after we brought that evil computer into our house. It was sometime between 2002 and 2005 that I realized he was looking at porn and it was in 2005 when I starting realizing that he was up to something when my heart started filling faint. I noticed that he wasn’t coming in from work until after 2:00am when usually he was home by 11:30pm. It wasn’t until I took my kids to bible camp and had to stay overnight in a hotel where the camp was located. The next day I returned home, got ready for bed and started to get into bed (he was at work) when I noticed that the flat sheet on the bed had been turned around???? I got into bed and sensed the smell of a cologne other then mine. My heart pounded so hard and I knew something was not right. I confronted him the next day and he broke! He told me that he had been seeing a employee 18 yrs old… I held it all in, I told his parents who had arrived at our house on vacation a few days later. We appealed to his brothers, sisters and parents for prayer and support. Fast forward to now!! We quit telling his family about our problems after judgements were felt, I never spoke it to any of my family-total secret. I thought this was all behind me, ocassionaly i’d check the cookies on the computer and see sites that he had looked at and he’d repent. over and over. Then, 2013 we lose our 18yrs old daughter in a car accident and things are going down hill fast. I use to cry my eyes out at realizing that he didn’t cherish me. I even think he’s had another affair or two since 2005, but now I’m stuck in another country, no real connections, no family, no church family (the church we attend is so large that we’re just another face in the crowd) and I’m finding myself policing his activities now online. He travels for his brother-in-laws business and I have no control over him being going out of town for weeks at a time. They just gave him a company phone and now he carries two. I would leave, but I have no family to go home too (my mom died a month after my daughter and my side of the family has no idea of what I’m facing). I am broken, no where I can go, I’ll just keep reading here. He’s a real soft hearted husband, goes out of his way to do things for me-almost feels fake. What could I do about this?
Oh Tina. Your story just breaks my heart. So much pain. I think find a therapist in your area, someone who can help you process through all this, and decide on healthy boundaries for yourself. Whatever he chooses to do, YOU choose a way forward that is healthy for you, and helps you process all this pain that you’re bearing.
Peace to you, Kay
My husband admitted he has an addiction to how porn makes him feel but has takin it a step further by reaching out to strangers on local sites for ‘casual encounters’ . He says he hasn’t followed through on any, it’s the excitement of doing it but as I don’t trust him right now it’s hard to believe anything. A little lost…any advice?
I’m so sorry, May. Of course you don’t trust him: he isn’t being trustworthy.
I would suggest a couple of things. One, find a counselor just for yourself, who can help you process your emotions and decide on healthy boundaries. Two, find a group, either locally or online, to give you support and community.
You might want to take a look at our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about their own walk through recovery.
It’s up to him to decide if he wants his family or his fantasy. He needs to figure out why he needs that fake excitement, rather than the reality of love within marriage. Some men DO make the healthy choice and recover. You can offer that to him! Meanwhile, make sure that YOU are taking care of YOU and being healthy, no matter what he chooses.
Peace to you, Kay
I cannot tell you how much this article means, it is as if God sent it especially in my way. Thank you!!
I’m so glad, Betsy! Blessings to you, Kay
I found out my husband was addicted to porn when I was 8 months pregnant with our first child, that was 6 months ago…I am still in shock and still trying to deal with it. He really had me convinced it was just a normal thing, and that men just need variety. I believed him, and then asked him how am I going to get what I need out of the relationship when his focus is Porn, and the women with the Porn. We tried everything. What I realized with time and enough spying, that the type of women he looked at in the porn was directly related to the type of women he looked at when we went out together. When it was older women with brown hair, that is who he was checking out at the grocery store, or if it was blond teens, that is where his eyes went when we were shopping for clothes. It was more than once and he admitted to it. The last time I caught him looking at a girl from out of his porn collection, I asked him, what he really got out of looking- I see it and am mad distant and don’t want to touch him, and the most he gets is mental pictures he can masterbate too later. And this is bad for our relationship, for saying this I got blamed as being crazy jealous. Now after doing research, and learning the biological process… I realize that porn can be just as addictive as a drug due to the combination of powerful feel-good hormones that are released. And now I know that because ot this physical process, he was bonding to these women in the porn, and then directly “looking” for them in real life. But that gives me hope, that if he eventually decides to give up Porn, he can establish a healthy bond to me too. My hunch earlier in our relationship that if we have sex before we go outside anywhere, then I became the focus of his attention always seemed justified. Now, through my research I know why. I hope my spying and own experience can help others in this struggle. I am in stage one myself, and this article on boundries is exactly what I need. I can’t handle the blaming and abuse anymore and want a safe situation for me and my baby. I know my husband values our family, so I hope he will decide to get the help he needs, and it is his choice.
Hey Lisa, I’m glad this article was helpful to you. Here’s another recent article by Ella that you might find helpful, too. It’s definitely going to be your husband’s job to take responsibility for himself and work on his behaviors. I hope he chooses to do that. But no matter what he chooses, YOU can be healthy and choose good boundaries for you. You might find that a counselor or a group like Celebrate Recovery can help support you as you find your way forward. Blessings, Kay