Henry Cloud and John Townsend have written a marvelous book called Boundaries in Marriage. They define a boundary simply as “a property line” between one person and another. They make this statement:
“When two people together take responsibility to do what is best for the marriage, love can grow. When they do not, one takes on too much responsibility and resents it; the other does not take on enough, and becomes self-centered or controlling.”
That, I think, is a dynamic that so many couples dealing with a pornography addiction can understand. The addict is addicted, and the spouse takes responsibility to “fix” and help.
Now, there’s no shame in trying to fix things. Fixing and helping is what happens when you’ve got a problem in the family. That’s normal. I did it. My friends do it. Every wife I’ve worked with in therapy does it.
Unfortunately, I’ve never seen the fixing and helping actually fix or help anything.
It just leaves everybody feeling frustrated, exhausted, discouraged, and stuck.
The Boundaries Way
When fixing and helping don’t work, there is another way: boundaries. But boundaries are a total paradigm shift, and it takes time for us to be motivated enough—usually by extreme pain—to stop fixing and helping, and get some boundaries in place.
With boundaries, we draw a line between “me” and “you.” We differentiate. Instead of all living in the same lump of a problem, trying to fix it and help it, we step back and breathe a little. Then we start to see what belongs to you, and what belongs to me. We each have God-given freedom and responsibility. We each acknowledge this and make new choices accordingly.
God has given me a free will, and I receive it. With that gift of freedom comes responsibility, and I embrace my own choices, behaviors, and emotions.
God has given my husband a free will, and I allow it. With my husband’s freedom comes his own responsibility, and I allow him to have that as well. Even if he chooses not to take responsibility for his choices, behaviors, and emotions, I won’t carry it for him. It’s his to do with as he chooses.
That sounds simple, but when I talk about this process with women, they often feel scared. They’re afraid their husbands will do terrible things if they stop fixing and helping. What’s more, they feel guilty about considering their own needs and wants. They are sure that boundaries are selfish, mean, unloving, and just too scary.
It is true that, with boundaries, my husband makes choices for himself, and those choices are not always what I want. He says no to my preferences sometimes. That’s hard, and I have to learn to trust that God will be with me, even when I am scared and disappointed and hurt and angry. God will carry me through.
God is my God, not my husband.
It is also true that, with boundaries, I make choices for myself, and those choices are not always what my husband wants. There are times when I just say no. I have had to learn to trust that the he will be okay, even if I disappoint him. The way I respect him in that situation is by letting him feel how he feels.
- He might be mad or hurt or disappointed or scared. God will have to carry him through.
- If he tries to push the responsibility for his emotions onto me, by verbal put-downs or angry outbursts, I will remove myself from the situation so that he and God can be alone together and work it out.
God is his God, not me.
Here is another thing that I’ve found. When I am first very clear and honest about what I feel and what I need and what I want, I can then make a real choice. I can choose what I want, or I can make a choice that is not exactly what I want, out of sacrificial love for the other person. When I choose to give, it’s a real gift.
When I am not clear and honest about what I feel and what I want, then I will spend a whole lot of my time giving other people what I think they want, hoping that they will in return spend an equal amount of energy giving me what I want.
That’s a “sacrifice” for the purpose of manipulation. And while that might masquerade as love, it’s just control with lipstick on it.
God’s love for us is a sacrificial love, not a controlling love. He loves us, and He lets us choose whether or not to be in a close relationship with Him. I think of the parable of the prodigal son. The Father’s love never wavered, but he let that kid go into the far country and live in a pigsty until he was ready to come home. I don’t think that was a fun time for anybody, but it speaks to me when I think about how freedom and responsibility and love and boundaries all work together.
Here are some example boundaries from Boundaries in Marriage, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Verbal boundaries might sound something like this: Physical boundaries might comprise: Emotional boundaries could include: I wish I could tell you that having good boundaries will for sure fix your life into exactly what you want it to be, right now, today. But the truth is, real boundaries are a risky thing. We don’t know what the other person will choose. The truth is, life is scary and it hurts and sometimes I get mad and I wish I could control it and manipulate it and fix it and tie it up in a pretty pink bow. But in my saner moments I know this: I will choose freedom and responsibility, and an honest mess of love that hurts over the fake-perfection of pretend, every time. Because when we hold onto our boundaries, and battle through with God’s help, there is real love and real relationship and real freedom waiting at the end of the road. So every day, I try to do these things. This is a joyous and life-giving way to exist in every area of life. Also, it is messy and painful and challenging. And God is enough, even for this.
A great article! I have just learned about boundaries!!! And this is AFTER 20 years of my husband’s porn use, with multiple, multiple counseling sessions, and different counselors over the years. I recently had some very, very bad counseling that made things so much harder on me. Two weeks after the birth of our 8th child my husband lost his job because they caught him viewing porn on his work computer. Unfortunately for us, without the financial ability for professional counseling, we did what we usually do counseling from church. I am very much of the opinion that most churches are woefully inadequate to handle SA. After a few weeks of such counseling I was ‘not allowed’ to be upset and angry (please remember this has been going on, knowingly for 20 years), and that I was told I was sinning since I did not have ‘hope’, since love hopes for all things. So, since I was not hoping, that means I was not loving, which means I was in sin! This is NOT what a wife, with a newborn, needs to be told after their husband loses his job with 9 mouths to feed!
Anyways, I found out about boundaries, and what a relief that was. Granted I felt the need to go to that ‘extreme’ and have him move out. So far it is working in our favor. Since he works from home, it was a nightmare to me to have to ‘deal’ with him day in day out, all the live long day. Especially since his actions were all the same. He is in CR, and he is in a step study….and he keeps saying he is changing, but as far as his *actual* actions….no change there. I finally see his selfish behavior, deflecting the blame, shifting my focus, etc. He says he doesn’t know he is doing it…but I could not live one more day with it!!! Twenty years was long enough!!!
I just wanted to say that I would NOT recommend kicking a spouse out with out thinking it through, but there is most certainly times for it, and NOT just for abusive situations. But that is just my two cents.
Blessings,
Kerri
I am so sorry you’ve had such bad experiences in counseling, but sadly I think this can be typical when those offering counsel do not understand the nature of addiction, and when they aren’t familiar with healthy boundaries either.
After 20 years and a lost job, perhaps extreme boundaries are necessary. Many women in your situation will meet the criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). One of the best practice standards for treating PTSD is to get the person to safety, and in your case that has meant that he can’t be present while you’re trying to recover. Of course it’s terrible to take action like this, but sometimes that’s just what needs to happen. It’s not what we want, it’s not what we hope for, but it’s necessary.
Have you read Hope After Porn? Several women talk about their experiences with recovery and some of them took action like yours, too. It’s a free download and might be encouraging. Blessings, Kay
Dear, Kay,
thank you so much for this article. It has helped me a lot. God bless you for being faithful in helping us this way!
I understand that I shouldn’t be tryting to help my husband or to fix him.
But what if I set boundaries and he doens’t seem to respect them?Or if I set some rules, like I want to go to bed at the same time, I want you to turn your phone off by a sertain time at night, or things like that. But they don’t seem to happen. Then what do I do without being controlling and without trying to fix him? Where is the line between trusting him, and being just foolish?
Thank you!
Oh yes, the terrible thing about boundaries is that you have to be willing to defend them! People don’t just automatically respect your boundaries like we wish they would! I would say, you have to decide what you’re willing to live with and what you can’t live with, and choose healthy boundaries for yourself. You’re not trying to control or fix him; you’re closing the door on things that are unacceptable in your life. I think you’ve got to consider what you’ll do if he doesn’t respond to your boundary requests? I personally think you have to decide if you’re willing to separate for a while, in order to let him work on his issues. If he doesn’t do that, then you might have to accept that the relationship will not survive. If you’re not willing to end the relationship, then you’re left with staying and figuring out how to do that, given that he doesn’t respect your requests.
Here’s an article about trust that I wrote a while back. It’s helped me to think in terms of emotional trust, and not just simple behavioral trust. “Who is he in relationship with me”, rather than just “what does he do.” But, when your partner just doesn’t seem to be impacted by your requests for boundaries with his electronics, then that’s a big trust-buster.
Just a brief history, my fiance has struggled with porn, and of course is a continuous struggle for him, but we went to counseling together when I found out and are doing ok. But recently I came across some pictures on one of his social media accounts of women. Not porn or naked, but very sexy. To me this is the same idea as porn. It’s still hurtful to me and disrespectful. Also he enjoys watching tv shows that disrespects and degrades women. I am just reading Boundaries in Marriage and it’s a great book. I know these things are wrong and I now know that I can’t “make” him see this either. I can also see now that I handled both of these situations with control…(which I struggle with and am trying to get ahold of). He stopped but for the wrong reasons. So my question is this: I can’t control what he looks at, (and now he prob won’t post them anymore, but can still look without my knowing) and I can’t tell him what he can and can’t watch on tv(we only have netflix so I can see that he’s not watching them), so what kind of a healthy boundary can I set for myself? Or a sort of consequence for him when he does watch them or look at those pictures? I know it’s his problem, not mine, but I also don’t think I should just sit by and let him do that because it does affect me.
I think you’re running up against something really important: RECOVERY IS ABOUT SO MUCH MORE THAN NOT LOOKING AT “PORN”.
Real recovery is about him being able to turn toward you and the relationship, rather than him walking some kind of line where he can say “It’s not porn.” I think the deeper issue here is whether he’s able to listen to your concerns, and care about how you feel. That’s not about you controlling him, that’s about him being able to turn toward the relationship and be concerned about you. The more the relationship grows in that way, the more it will nurture HIM as well as you. But I think that’s something men are not socialized toward in our culture to begin with–that tender, emotional side of the relationship. That seems like “a girl thing” in our culture–especially when there’s been a lot of porn influence that says men are all about sex.
But for my husband, that emotional connection is THE thing that keeps him out of porn now. He will turn toward our relationship now, because it nurtures him as well as me. And that started with him listening to me and caring about how I felt when I discovered his porn addiction; it grew into me being able to listen to him talk about his stuff without going crazy. Now it means we’re both nurtured and healed in the relationship. It’s not about keeping rules any more. It’s about love nourishing us both and turning us toward one another because that’s where the good stuff is.
I wrote a couple of blogs a while back that are related to this.
One is about that idea of turning toward the relationship, which comes from the work of Dr. John Gottman. The other one is about being on the same team.
Have a look at those, and see if that helps with what you’re thinking about. Let me know and we can talk more about it. Kay
My husband is currently living in our home in our basement. He has no interest in me and basically lives his life separately from myself and our children. Is it even possible to set boundaries in this situation?
Well, I’d say that when life is not the way you want it to be, the best way to figure out your boundaries is to process through your emotions, and then make decisions about how you want to respond to the situation. Usually that works well with a wise person on your side, maybe a counselor, who can hear you out, help you work through your emotions, and think about a healthy response. Consider how to create a healthy life for yourself and your children, regardless of his choices.
I’d also say that radical self-care, rather than anxious devotion to his choices and behaviors, is a wonderful boundary to build for yourself, if you haven’t already! What are the things that nurture your spiritual, emotional, and physical health? Get busy with those things!
Blessings, Kay
This is my life right now. I would like to know how you are getting along now. I need encouragement.
Yeah, Katy, to just let it be. That is SO hard. And so powerful! Stand strong.
I found my ex fiancé out two times. I set boundaries the first time and he broke them and I walked the second time. This has been so difficult for me. My first husband has addiction to porn and I will not go thru the mental abuse again.
My ex fiancé is in complete denial and he is supposed to be such a good Christian he is even an elder in his church. He has this secret life outside of our community. I do think he went too far with his online affairs. He is into tinder and when he was working out of town the iPhone went offline and he didn’t want to FaceTime with me in a certain night. Huge red flags. I found out he was still on dating sites as active in his secret yahoo account and just so much stuff. I was physically sickened by what all I found him on and when I presented him with everything his only question was, how did you get the passwords. Really!? Then I broke off and he told me to leave him alone and tells everyone in Destin I’m the crazy insanely jealous woman and that’s why he left.
I’m beyond hurt and mortified by this man. How could I have given him a second chance when I first found some of this? I didn’t k is the depth of his addiction and again he is in denial. I was the best thing he ever had in his life and he blew it.
I hope my future relationship can be healthy and harmonious and porn free.
I hope I can move forward soon.
I’m so sorry. I’m sad for you, and I’m sad for him, too, as he’s choosing a life of lies instead of a real relationship. I think it’s so important to know the truth, and to take responsibility for ourselves. So, as painful as this is, I’m glad you were able to do those things: to see reality for what it is, and to make healthy choices for yourself. I think those skills will serve you well in future relationships. Blessings, Kay
Wonderful answer to Chris, Kay. Very truthful and honest, and right to the point. Thank you for showing him that looking at porn, based on what Jesus said about adultery, is equal to the act itself. All intentions and decisions to act on something come first from the heart. Thank you so much for your very insightful answer.
Setting boundaries can be really difficult… I’ve been married for 8 years and we have four wonderful kids together.Found out my husband has been seeing this widow since 2017 which was when she lost her husband.I felt hurt and betrayed because he doesn’t feel remorse for his action and the more I talk about it,he only goes deeper into the relationship, which hurts me even more.I have set boundaries severally but seems not to be working because he is less bothered by whatever I do.I have decided to just let go of him from my heart and allow him decide what he really wants,at this point i seem to be ready to just walk alone with the kids until God touches his heart and brings his heart back to us someday.Though he comes back home everyday except for days he claims to travel which in most cases are just excuses to spend longer time with her, his always with his phone and always wants to be alone even when he is home.so much for setting boundaries, lol.
Hey Annie,
Boundaries are really about you. What’s okay with you, what’s not okay with you. Hopefully the other person is committed to the relationship and cares about you, so they’ll respond to your needs.
However, this does not appear to be the case with your husband. You state what’s not okay with you, and he continues in this full blown relationship with another woman.
There is no religious institution I know of that would suggest this marriage is even a marriage anymore. He has broken his vows completely.
Here’s an article that might help: A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce.
Divorce is the ultimate boundary, the final acceptance of reality.
You might want to find a therapist to help you sort through this. Just for you, not a couple’s counselor
Peace,
Kay
Be careful with the suggestions to move out or separate “for a time”. There can be a strong temptation to jump on these “solutions” over the pain and difficulty of working out marriage problems. These are absolute last resorts, and for the protection of each person. However, from my own experience, they tend to make problems worse by isolating each partner. So it would be wise to ensure each person has a strong support system before even considering separating. God bless!
Point well taken. We know a lot of the women who read our blog could most definitely qualify as reaching the point of “last resorts,” but this does not apply to everyone. In the end, the church needs to play an critical role in helping women in these situations to decide what to do and how to do it. I agree with the Westminster Confession of Faith that says in situations where the bond of marriage is unraveling, parties involves should “not left to their own wills and discretion in their own case.” Let’s face it: moving out because of a spouse’s porn addiction is a frightening move for most people, and we need all the support we can get in these cases.
I agree fully. My wife took your advice to move out and take our 4 children without notice which almost caused me to report her for kidnapping our children but I didn’t by the grace of God. Let me be clear there is no abuse in our family. We had an argument regarding my sexual needs after going through biblical marriage videos I figured we should be on the same page regarding our individual needs as a marriage covenant and I’ve been in a Christian recovery program for pornography and past hurts for the last month and a half so it’s not due to me not seeking biblical counsel and staying the path. After she contacted me she said this article helped her make her decision and that I should read it. I agree on the boundaries but when it comes to separation the bible is clear, let no man separate what God has joined together (Mark 10:9). In cases of physical abuse or danger of others yes there is a need to get away and seek help but to advise husbands and wives to separate as a form of boundaries is not biblical and your offering advice that is not biblical and could easily result in unnecessary separations and divorce which could be talked out with biblical counsel. If the significant other refuses counsel than the boundaries should be set but if the significant other openly and welcomes biblical marital counseling then there is no excuse for a spouse to up and leave on your advice.
Porn use breaks the covenant of marriage. You promised to love, honor, and cherish your wife and keep yourself only unto her. Your porn has broken those promises.
The Bible is clear that if you look at a women with lust, you’ve already committed adultery in your heart. Matthew 5:28
When you looked at porn, you broke that marriage covenant, and now you’re living with the consequences.
Boundaries=My recovery! So tough to set them and keep them. So tough to not want to reach out and control my husband’s recovery from pornography. Thanks for the article!
This was beautiful and powerful and brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for the raw honesty and the hard stuff – because its what we all need.
Hi Tabitha, I think the more honest we are all together, the more able we’ll be to face the hard stuff. We are powerful people–God’s gift to us: power, love, and a sound mind.
This article is really excellent! Thank you. What it stated was an encouragement to me and a help in keeping the right perspective.
Hey Emma Joy, I think boundaries are tough to maintain, so if this helps you, I’m so glad! Blessings on your journey!
My husband has been addicted to porn since he was 12. We have been married for 4 years now and each year he has been trying to quit this addiction. He has an accountability partner, he has put software on his phone, he prays, fasts, etc. He does well for a good period of time and relapses again when stressed or life gets tough. This last time he was doing so well. Then I could see that his behavior began changing-selfishness, isolated, spiritually distant, less sex. I knew he had relapsed. This time has been more devastating because we are just starting to do ministry together. I’m tired and angry.I have not necessarily tried to “fix it”-now I’m almost ignoring it but it’s impossible to ignore when his behavior is so different. He always keeps trying. I was told if he is actively trying you should never separate. I read your article and I appreciate the information, it’s helpful. But, what if you have a husband who confess and keeps trying. Yet, he keeps relapsing. I really don’t know what to do.
Hi, Jade!
I would encourage you to read our blog post: Building Trust Despite His Relapses. You will also be able to download our ebook “Hope After Porn.” Blessings!