7 Conversation Starters to Discuss Your Porn Addiction With Your Spouse

Your journey to freedom from pornography most likely didn’t take only one conversation, one moment of healing, or one act of repentance. Instead, it’s been made up (or will be made up) of many rounds of discussion, many layers of healing, and a multitude of confessions because bad habits are hard to break. Satan loves to keep entangling us and entrapping us with sins with addictive properties.

(First time confessing your porn addiction to your spouse? Read this article first.)

Your spouse’s journey to healing will also take time, intention, and willingness to talk with her or him as you both journey through this. One of the best things Craig did for me as I healed was to allow me to ask any question at any moment regarding his addiction. But it was also incredibly meaningful to me when he didn’t wait for me to start a conversation. Why? Because it showed me that he was working on the issues and thinking about his struggles and questions without my prodding and poking and reminding him. It reminded me that he didn’t need me to be in charge.

It can be difficult, though, to jump into a conversation about porn. Though it’s old hat for us now, in the beginning, it felt awkward. Sometimes, it would be easy for one or both of us to become defensive. We often stumbled through, saying what we thought we should say instead of what was really on our hearts. And, of course, there were those times when we said exactly what we were feeling without a filter. But here’s the good news, even though Craig and I didn’t always communicate perfectly about his porn addiction (and my controlling nature), we still communicated. And this, my friends, is key.

Pornography addiction breeds in isolation. Shame multiplies in the dark. Conversation, however, has the power to bring things into the light. And most importantly, conversation has the power to bring connectivity. The opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety. It’s connection.

Here are seven conversation starters, categorized by the purpose of the conversation, you can use to help you and your spouse increase connection, decrease shame, and keep you both on the road to healing.

Conversations That Uncover the Cause of Addiction

It may take a while for your spouse to truly internalize that he or she is not the cause of your addiction. Even when your marriage is rocky, your spouse is never responsible for your sin, and vice versa. When you talk with her and explore the cause(s) of your addiction, you affirm to her that she is not one of them. Conversing about this also helps you uncover different roots and identify triggers that compel you to go back to the bad habits you want to break. Chances are your spouse also has places in her heart where God wants to set her free. Remember, God wastes nothing, and often when one spouse is in the refining process, it provides a fabulous opportunity for God to do meaningful work in the other spouse as well.

How do you broach this subject? Try some of these starter ideas:

• “I’ve found that I normally turn to porn when I feel __________, but I realize porn hasn’t been effective because __________________. Instead of turning to porn, I want to ___________________. Do you ever struggle with turning to something other than God first?”
• “I’ve used porn to hide from my emotions and to not deal with certain aspects of my past/life/fears. I’ve been afraid to deal with them because __________________________. I’ve decided to stop hiding and instead, I will _____________________________. Could you be a sounding board for me when I need to talk about my past/life/fears so we can build connection? I’d love to do the same for you.”

Conversations That Show Understanding

Porn addiction wreaks havoc on your marriage and for your spouse to know that you see this and are working to repair the damage is incredibly healing. These conversations promote self-reflection, active listening, and the ability to empathize with each other. Here are some ways you can show understanding:

• “I realize that when I engage in pornography, I am acting selfishly and I am not loving myself or you well. I am learning that just as Jesus’ love for me required sacrifice, I also need to love sacrificially. What does it look like for me to love you sacrificially? I’ve seen you love me sacrificially when you ___________________.”
• “I understand that by turning to porn, I’ve hurt you deeply. I want to ask your forgiveness for _______________. Is there anything else for which I need to ask your forgiveness? I understand I may not receive it right away, but I want you to know that I am deeply sorry.”

Conversations That Show Commitment

It takes time to rebuild the broken trust. One of the ways you can help this process is by investing your energy into the marriage. It’s helpful to remind your wife that you choose her, you love her, and you are committed to her and the health of your relationship. Just as you would like her to see your growth, it’s important for you to pay attention to how she is growing as well.

• “I’ve realized how important prayer is in my battle to overcome pornography. Could we start praying together? I’d love for us to pray for each other on a regular basis. How do you feel about that?”
•  “I’ve really noticed how you’ve _____________________. Thank you so much for _________________. I’m so glad I have you in my life.”
•  “I feel like I’ve had a breakthrough in my addiction because ______________________. I wanted to share that with you and check in with you about how you’re doing, too.”

Related: Life After Porn–5 Things My Husband Did to Rebuild Trust

It’s not necessary to memorize these conversation starters. If you understand the general premise, you’ll do great. The key here is to move towards authenticity and to be vulnerable with your spouse. Keep in mind timing, pray before, during, and after your conversation, and allow the Holy Spirit to move in your conversation. God is for you, your spouse, and your marriage. He is for intimacy and connection, and He promises to be with you on this journey.