Ella Hutchinson specializes in counseling wives of sex addicts. In this 3-part blog series, she looks at common questions these wives ask. (Go back to read Part 1 or Part 2 of the series.)
#7: Is there hope? Can a man like this change?
Recovery from sexual addiction is very much possible. Men who get out feel a sense of freedom, as if a huge boulder has been lifted off their chest. It is such a liberating feeling that many men forget that their wives are still grieving from his actions and likely will be for some time.
For some men, simply the threat of their wife leaving is enough to cause them to get help. But for many others, they need something more. This can cause you, as the wife, to feel helpless. You are not helpless. You can’t control your husband’s recovery, but as the injured spouse, you can control your own. The fact that you need recovery does not mean you are sick or that something is wrong with you, but that you have likely been traumatized by your husband’s behavior. Your recovery includes building up a support system for yourself. Don’t keep silent. Reach out to a trusted friend, your pastor, or a therapist. Keeping this secret will cause feelings of shame, loneliness and isolation. Finding a support group for wives of sex/porn addicts can be very helpful. If there is not one in your area, there are phone support groups available, led by trained life coaches and therapists who have been in your shoes. Finally, learn to recognize your unmet needs and what it will take to meet them. A skilled therapist can help you with this. The absolute best book written for wives is Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. I strongly encourage you to find a therapist (individual and marriage) who is familiar with this book and subscribes to the treatment model described in it. If your therapist isn’t familiar, ask if they’d be willing to read it.
Beyond self-care, I recommend that you take some time to come up with some clear, firm boundaries for your marriage. While this may not result in the desired outcome, it is worth it to put in the effort. At the very least, this is a first step toward helping you get to a place where you can make an informed decision about the direction for your relationship. This means bottom line behaviors that you will not tolerate and actions you need to see happening in order for you to feel safe in your marriage. Your list of unacceptable behaviors may include viewing pornography in the home, inappropriate conversations or relationships with other people, and other possible abusive behaviors toward you that are often present in a sexual addict. The actions you need to see your husband take might be installing a filter on computers and phones, open discussions about where all the money is going with you having access to all accounts, attending sexual purity or sexual addiction support groups, counseling, and talking to a pastor.
Before you present this to your husband, make sure you are prepared to follow through with consequences if he refuses or does not stick to what he agreed to do. Consequences can be anything from insisting one of you move to a separate bedroom (an in-house separation) to one of you moving out of the home. Your husband will likely be resistant to you setting these boundaries and may accuse you of being demanding and giving him an ultimatum. Do not engage in any kind of manipulative or accusatory conversations with your husband. Learn to recognize this behavior and refuse to participate. It is important that you wait to address your new boundaries until you are able to do so in a calm manner. A therapist’s presence (and guidance beforehand) is a good idea. A good book on this topic is The Gaslight Effect by Dr. Robin Stern.
If your husband does not follow the boundaries you set, you now have a choice to make. You can choose to accept that your husband is simply not ready to stop his porn use. This means letting go of the nagging, criticism, and efforts to control (which should have stopped already by this point since you have learned they don’t work). If you choose to to not follow through with the consequences, even though he has made it clear through his words or actions that he is not willing to stop, you are choosing to accept his behavior. This will probably require a good deal of emotional detachment on your part. It may be a marriage that looks more like you are roommates. I have not yet met a woman who has chosen this arrangement and found any kind of long-term life satisfaction in it, but it is an option.
Your choices may need to include making the necessary preparations in case you need to leave. This may mean getting a job if you don’t work and starting to put money aside. Separation does not mean divorce, but it can be a prelude to it. Ideally, that should not be the goal for separation. The purpose is to show your husband that you are unwilling to share him with pornography. Once he sees you are serious and can no longer be placated with words and half-hearted attempts that don’t last, he is also more likely to take his addiction seriously. Also, getting physical space between you and him can make it easier for you to clear your mind, spend more time in prayer and God’s Word, and make objective decisions about your future. A good Christian counselor can guide you through a therapeutic separation where rules are put in place for you both to follow during this time.
Many men have escaped the chains of sexual addiction. Here is an important truth to be aware of. Your husband has probably tried to stop more times than he can count. He is not deriving pleasure from his lifestyle. He keeps going back, trying to fill a void that porn will never fill. Willpower is not enough. Recovery from sexual addiction is multifaceted, but includes reaching out to other men who have been there, and often requires professional help as well.
God must be the central focus in recovery. However, many men have learned the hard way, in the words of author, speaker, therapist and recovering addict, Dr. Mark Laaser, “You can’t pray it away.” If prayer was all we needed then we wouldn’t have to have jobs or pay bills. We could just pray about it and our bank account would never run out and the bills would get paid. If prayer was enough we could eat and drink whatever we want and every check-up would reveal a clean bill of health. But God wants us to do the work, and keep doing it.
Once a man has decided to become serious about recovery from sexual addiction, there are more steps to take to help the marriage heal. After all, just because the behavior has stopped, it doesn’t mean the damage that has been done will go away. Marriage counseling with a skilled sex addiction therapist is important. Couple’s Intensives are a great way to get a jump start on recovery for the couple. I recommend the book Hope and Freedom by Milton Magness to learn more about recovery for you, your husband, and your marriage and to learn about intensives. You can also read about intensives and other issues surrounding marriage and sexual addiction on my website, Comfort Christian Counseling.
Wow! I’ve been having this argument with my spouse for the last 2-3 years. We’ve been together for almost 5. When I first started dating him I found he had some Nudy mags, a couple naked pictures of girls on his phone or tablet. But as time went on, we were having less and less sex. He’s diabetic and kept saying his drive isn’t as big, it was him. But the truth was he’s obsessed with boobs, the bigger the better. Or better yet moms with big boobs. I myself have an average size chest. He always made me feel beautiful, he seemed to be so into me until he had me.
But 3 years ago I started to notice a pattern, he would leave for work after me and take ten minutes to surf porn and jerk off. Or he would get home before me and do the same, sometimes within minutes of me getting home. I even came home and caught him hiding his phone because I interrupted his session. I took all the magazines, hid them and he still continues to need his porn so much so he’s willing to use the data on his phone up when our internet at home us dead. It’s always the same, busty moms.
I have threatened that our relationship would end if he didn’t stop, but he says I’m crazy, every guy does it. Well when your guy can only climax in one position which us typically his get off on his own position it affects me. I recently had surgery, and found he had actually went out and bought more magazines so he could satisfy his own needs during my recovery. It’s like every time I find them, he sneaks more in, like an alcoholic needing a fix.
I offer oral, I offer myself to him all the time. Almost never have I turned him down. But my sex life has gotten worse and worse. He sees nothing wrong in what he is doing, and from what I’m reading he may never. I don’t think I can live like this for the rest of my life. I love this man so very much, but he is breaking me! He is making me feel worthless! I don’t feel attractive. and yet I know I’m am, but I can’t feel it. I feel like he cheats on me every time, because it’s his preferred choice of sex, self pleasure. It’s just scarey to give that ultimatum to leave to some you love so very much knowing with your whole heart, he won’t pick you! :(
Hey there. Interestingly enough, you’re having the exact experience that relationship experts at The Gottman Institute have discovered to be very common these days. When one person in the relationship turns to porn instead of turning toward the relationship, it’s devastating to the intimacy of the relationship. And that’s why TGI came out against porn earlier this year: it’s terrible for relationships. Whatever we think of the morality of porn, this is what happens in real life: relationships are destroyed. It’s sad! Sad for you, but also sad for him because he’s left with nothing but an illusion. Peace to you, Kay
Kay I am not married but have been in a relationship for 15 months. About 5 months ago I found out why we haven’t had much of a sex life. He is an Extreme porn addict. When I first caught him, he was so embarrassed and said I was the first person ever to catch him. He said he has been addicted for 30 yrs. Well I asked him to quit numerous times only to catch him again and again. But finding the porn he is looking at could put him in prison for a VERY long time. I knkw i can leave at any time but love him dearly. Reading all these articles gives me hope but also makes me think there is no chance. Can anyone help? I am so alone and lost and afraid…for me but more for him!
Sarah,
If he is looking at child pornography, I urge you to call your local law enforcement immediately. When the abuse of children is in play, our first and foremost responsibility is to protect those children from harm. No matter how much you love someone, you cannot allow the abuse of children to continue without consequence. Call your local police immediately.
Thank you,
Kay
I am in almost the same boat Katie was/ is in back in 2013.. We dated for 2 years and I knew about the addiction- I was a virgin and wanted to wait until marriage. But, sometimes it would get so escalated to both of us that we would go to separate rooms to relieve the tension. Now that I look back at this it was me encouraging his actions but I didn’t know that he was watching porn while doing it. At the time he was so in tune with the Lord and we went to church every Sunday and he worked night shift as a security officer so he had plenty of time to study the word and pray. He said that when he felt like he was struggling that he would talk to someone at his church and made promises to me that he was going to be finished with it when we were married because we would be able to have sex regularly and I say sex because we’ve not once made, what I think to be love, in a marital bed. It feels like just an act and its all about him. Sometimes I get into it and I want it to be about him but more often than not I don’t feel satisfied or like I’ve been cherished once it’s over. I thought it was just me because romance novels and pride and prejudice giving me unrealistic expectations. However, I have seen that there can be marital bliss but that it’s just very absent in ours. I tried to be his accountability but soon learned that it would hurt my feelings over and over. He gets irrate when I expose his lies- he’s not a terrible person and has never abused me verbally or physically just neglected me in many ways. I wanted to go to marriage counseling but after hours of research I think he needs help before WE need help! No one is perfect but I count this as cheating on me and he has been offered help but gets angry when I bring it up. I feel like his parents need to know because they are always so willing to be there for us and his other is a Christian. One day a few weeks ago I asked him if his parents knew and he said yeah but when I said we need to talk to them about it he freaked out so I think he is lying. We live near Atlanta and need help finding a group and sex/ porn addict therapist
Hi Bethany. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. It’s such a sad lie that marital sex will solve a guy’s porn problem, as you’ve found! It sounds like you’ve done a lot of thinking about this. I agree with you 100% that he has to work on HIS problems before you can work on the marriage. Let me point you to a few resources that should help you on the next steps.
First of all, here’s the CSAT directory where he can find a certified sex addiction therapist for himself.
Second, here’s the American Association of Christian Counselors link where you can find a therapist for yourself. Look for someone who’s familiar with trauma and marital recovery for women.
Third, the online resource Bloom, where there are forums for you, and classes you can both take on marital recovery.
Fourth, here’s the Pure Desire page where you may be able to find a group in your area. There are many other recovery groups as well, which you may be able to find either by just googling “marriage recovery group” or “porn recovery group”–or you may ask his CSAT for a recommendation.
All the best to you, Kay
Just venting a little here since this is all so new and shocking. I’ve been with my husband of 14 years for 20 years total, more than half my life. And it’s all been a lie. A lie!! How do I manage to let out some pain to deal with it but not get avalanched by all of it? And who am I, anyway? How could I not see when I have high standards of honesty, or I thought I did. I’m terrified of the full disclosure scheduled for tomorrow.
I have to say, the blogs here have been such a comfort as I read and think and pray. Thank you!
Thinking of you, Jessica. I wonder if you’ve seen the online resource, Bloom? It might be a good fit for you–there are forums, classes, and other recovery resources. Peace to you, Kay
My husband has been addicted to porn for many years now. Not only that he asks me to do the sickest things you can imagine.When I refuse he says everybody does it and he becomes verbally and emotionally abusive. I can’t go on like this any longer. I feel like I’m loosing my mind. He thinks what he’s doing is perfectly ok and I’m a prude
Hi Jean. I am so sorry for the pain you’ve been feeling in this relationship, and for the boundary-crossing behavior that is so difficult to deal with. You might appreciate these two articles on boundaries, here and here. And you may be interested in this article about when pornography use becomes grounds for separation and/or divorce.
Certainly, when you’re feeling like you’re losing your mind and you’re not allowed to have healthy boundaries for yourself, it’s time for some serious evaluation. You might want to find a counselor to help you process your emotions and decide what needs to happen to keep you emotionally healthy and well.
Blessings, Kay
Hello, I’ve been with my husband 8 years, and from the start he has been masturbating to photos. Videos of girls that are not me, Every time i confronted him he would lie his face off, eventually you start noticing the lies… i have threatened to leave many times, and you know for a bout 3 year there i really thought he had changed, but im beging to think i was just being stupid and blind, His new thing is to masturbate in bed next to me… This has caused me to not sleep at night its messed up my sleeping i feel disgusted by him, i try to see his heart but all i see is a monster, when we make love, he wont make an effort with me as i do with him, I make sure he is pleased but i could fake an orgasum and he wouldnt give a crap… Please give me some advice..
Hi there. Well, it sounds his behavior is escalating. What happens when you talk to him about this new behavior? What happens when you talk to him about your experience of him during sex? Are you able to have those conversations?
My other question would be this: what’s the emotional connection like in your marriage? Are you able to talk with each other about what you’re thinking and feeling? Is there a sense that you know and care for one another?
You might like to read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. This is the very best research in the world about successful marriages–and guess what? Not one of the seven principles is about sex, although I do think that our sex lives can often be a metaphor for the rest of our intimate lives together.
I think you also need to consider your boundaries. Here and here are some articles to help you think through that. And here’s a link to our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about their process in recovery.
Ultimately, we can only be responsible for ourselves. Whatever your husband chooses, you choose health and healing. You might want to find a counselor just for you, to help you process emotions and build healthy boundaries. Groups can be great support, too: Celebrate Recovery, Pure Desire, xxxChurch, S Anon. Make sure you’re getting the support you need in this so that you can make good choices for yourself.
Blessings, Kay
Been in a relationship with my boyfriend for three years now. Been a rough road with many breakups. The reason is he’s addicted to porn. The last breakup lasted for four months. He’s back now saying he never realized how deeply Porn has affected his life and how he’s very sorry for hurting me. Says he doesn’t want to make any more empty promises, he wants to show me this time. Quite naturally, I’m very skeptical. He actually admitted to being with another woman but said it’s all part of the addiction. While, I know this is true, it is still very hurtful nonetheless. Also, recovery for him is going to take a long time at which I would be subject to who knows how much more pain and heartache. I’ve read so many stories on here and none of which have a happy ending. He’s talking about marriage yet again. Although, he says he wants to show me and I agree that he should, this is going to be a long road, and my gut is telling me to cut it off for good. But that conflicts with what I believe abiut hanging in there with someone you love. I do know this.. Would absolutely not marry him with this issue. Any advice?
I believe in change. I really do. And while there are lot of difficult stories told here, we do also hear stories of marriages that recover and grow and thrive after porn addiction.
However.
We cannot change another person. No matter how much we love them, our love never ever trumps their free will. All the bad choices, including infidelity, that your boyfriend has made during your relationship is a really sad demonstration of this.
Could he recover? Yes. Absolutely.
Is that up to you and your love? No.
You would need far longer than a few months to know for sure if he’s really on the right track this time, no matter how nicely he talks about it at this point. And, if you’ve invested three years of your life already, do you really want to keep waiting to see if he’s going to do better or not? I think you can’t ignore those questions, tough as they may be.
After all you’ve been through these past few years, I think your gut is probably very well informed at this point! Please don’t ignore your gut.
I have been with my husband for 3 years now actually married for one year. We have a two year old daughter together. He is a self admitted porn addict but doesn’t want help nor thinks he really needs it. I feel I am to blame for allowing it to go on because I gained weight with our daughter and knew he didn’t find me physically attractive anymore. I wanted intimaticy with him and knew porn would be about the only thing that would arouse him enough to have sex with me. Now I am telling him how I truly feel and he doesn’t want to hear it. He says I am over reacting and why would I have a problem with it now when I didn’t before. Truth is I always had a problem with it and have told him even back then. He tells me I shouldn’t have a problem with it because it prepares him to want me. I feel very degraded and undesired by him. I want to work things out but feel he’ll never stop nor change. He keeps telling me that is who he is and I am not accepting who he is. I am losing all hope that he will ever change. I know it’s only a matter of time before he physically cheats on me. I know what needs to be done but don’t have the strength to do it yet. I know he loves me and his daughter but we aren’t enough to make him want to change. I just needed to get this out there because I have no one to talk too about it. I don’t want to embarrass him or myself. I don’t know how to explain this when our marriage does fail. I don’t want to come off as being malicious to him because I do really love him. I just can’t trust him and my feelings are turning cold towards him but not in a hurtful way. Lastly I don’t want my child exposed to the mess in any way shape or form.
Hey Shelley. I am so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing right now. One of the things I really appreciate about what you’ve said here is the way you’ve taken responsibility for your own choices in the past to encourage/allow the porn use. You can look back and see that you felt unattractive, wanted his attention, and you were willing to use porn to get that attention. In retrospect, that wasn’t the healthiest choice. The good thing is, you see that now! And you’re working on creating better boundaries in your relationship. You’re saying what you like and don’t like. That is enormously important. Things that we did before, we don’t want to do anymore. It’s good to change when we see that our old ways aren’t working! We all change and grow, and hopefully we become healthier as time goes on. It sounds like you’re ready for that, but your husband may not be right now.
Here are a few resources you might appreciate at this point: an article on boundaries, our free download Hope After Porn, and the book, Boundaries in Marriage.
You might also really appreciate a support group like Celebrate Recovery, xxxChurch, S Anon or even Al Anon.
Shelly, I want to tell you from a man who has been where you husband is that he is full of it! First, let me tell you that your weight should not matter in the least. My addiction caused an enormous amount of pain to my wife and she gained alot of weight because of the emotional damage I caused her. In my growth in facing what I have done and learning about what true authentic intimacy is ( see http://www.roadtopurity.com/understanding-intimacy.html) and Christ changing my heart, I now love her for her, not what I see. My wife probably weighs 75lbs more now than when I was engaging in my addictive behavior but I love her more now (75lbs later) than I did then.
Your husband saying “accept me for who I am” is crap. God did not make him to be a porn addict. This is NOT who he is. It is a learned behavior to facilitate avoiding inner emotional pain from past. It is an escape. He needs help. One thing I learned is that it is IMPOSSIBLE to battle this alone. Christ did not carry his cross alone, so how can we expect to carry ours alone! An attempt to do so puts us above Christ. – Really bad place to be. You husband my seriously benefit from reading my book “From one addict to another by Dann Aungst” If you wish, you can contact me though my website http://www.roadtopurity.com and I would be happy to send you a free copy.
Dann, thank you for speaking up here and being a voice for personal responsibility to men, and freedom for women. You’ve given a lot of hope here for both parties. Blessings! Kay
I have been married to my husband for 2 years. While I am a practising Catholic, my husband is not very religious and considers himself to be agnostic. I discovered his porn and masturbation lifestyle when we were dating, and threatened to dump him. He became very upset and swore to stop because he loved me. Everything worked out well after that, and I believe he kept his promise until after we were married. He had an inguinal hernia when we married, which made intimacy too painful for him. Six months after the wedding, I accidentally found his Google search history on his phone, which included porn. We fought and made up. Promises were made and boundaries were set, but he found ways to break them or find a way around them with his phone. I saw the reflection of a porn site in his glasses a few months ago. I was even more upset because I was pregnant. Once again he made promises, but I am very paranoid. We now have a 2 month old daughter, and I want us to raise her in a loving and healthy household. With my husband’s porn use I now wonder if I should have left him the first time. I feel beyond hurt and betrayed, especially because he is aware of sexual abuse and even rape I experienced in the past. His porn use only worsens my damaged self worth, and his parents paint him as a victim because of the “boys will be boys” argument. However, his parents’ marriage is falling apart, and I have even had to report his father for sexual harassment at work. I do not want my husband to become like that. I understand how easy it can be to fall into this kind of addiction, especially in today’s culture. But I don’t understand how he can continually hurt me, again and again. He once said that he does not feel adequate for me because even though his hernia was repaired recently, he still finds sex painful. He has also gained a lot of weight, and although I assure him that he is still very attractive to me, it doesn’t seem to help. I truly love him, and even when he is feeding his addiction my husband tries to be very loving and considerate. He has also become a very doting father. But porn has definitely had a negative impact on our marriage and I fear to see how much worse it will become. I can’t work outside the home and now with the baby I feel even more stuck should I need to take a drastic measure with my husband. I find myself becoming paranoid and suspicious, even to the point of hysteria when he uses his phone for long periods of time. PTSD may be affecting me because of past trauma. I would try counseling, but we live in a rural area and I am worried that our limited options would include people who encourage porn and masturbation lifestyles. I wonder if his addiction is made worse by his ADHD, because he is also addicted to video games when not in a porn phase. I simply do not know where to turn for help. I love him and this can’t go on forever.
Wow, I’m so sorry! I would say that it’s past time for both of you to reach out for help. Here’s a link to the American Association of Christian Counselors website, where you may be able to find someone reasonably close by. If there are counselors in your area, but you’re not sure how they’d handle this issue, I would put in a call and do a short phone interview. Find out if you’ve got a decent option available.
xxxChurch has online groups available for both addicts and spouses.
I would encourage you to read Boundaries in Marriage, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. And there are more articles for wives here on our blog.
You might also appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn, in which several women talk about the boundaries they were able to use in recovery with their husbands.
I hope that helps! Blessings, Kay
I was a virgin on my wedding day, as was my husband, at least, so he says. We built our marriage on the foundation of purity and faith in God. But he had secrets that he never told me, about his addiction to pornography. I didn’t find out until we were married 3 years, and I felt my world crumble when I found that terrible stuff. He isn’t only watching normal heterosexual intercourse, it is worse stuff, and that is devastating to me. It is between lesbians, which is homosexual and detestable to me. Then it taught him to put things in his anus, so I doubt his own sexuality, meaning, is he not gay? How can I know…? All these questions about his sexual orientation are so painful to me, without also being religious and wanting total freedom from any sexual deviancy. I offered myself pure on my wedding day, I saved that gift just for my husband, and I feel it is thrown back at me with pornography, lies and deception. I have been faithful, married now 9 years, and never looking at other men. My rage is turning my heart so against my husband, who cannot seem to change himself, and, although I love him so much, all I want to do is leave him now. I would rather be alone than feel so helpless and undesired and unloved in my marriage, feeling like a warm body for him to take his sexual fantasies out on, rather than a precious gift from God, a wife who loves, honors, and adores only one man– her husband. For my whole life, only him, I have dedicated myself to only him. I want now to just leave and never look back, but then, I am a homeschool mom of 2 children, and I don’t want to destroy the children over HIS problem… I feel like I could never share custody of the children, I need to be with them every single day… It only builds MORE resentment in me, as I feel like I am trapped by the love I have for my children. Now I made him move into my daughter’s bedroom, and she sleeps with me, but for how long do I go on before enough is enough?!
Hey Rachel. I am so sorry for the pain you’ve been living with for so long. And I’m glad you’re reaching out for help. Good for you!
I think in a lot of ways, purity culture unfortunately did not prepare either young men or young women for the reality of today’s world. I think the hope was that if we said “purity purity purity” then we could just avoid the sexual temptation of the world and be safe. However, this didn’t happen! It just created a world of silence and shame around sexuality. And now, nobody knows how to get past “purity” and into redemption.
It requires a big change in your thinking and his thinking as well as a lot of emotional and spiritual healing!
I wonder if you’ve read Jen and Craig Ferguson’s book, Pure Eyes, Clean Heart? Here’s a youtube video that you can watch to get an idea of what they talk about.
I would suggest that you find a counselor for yourself, someone who can help you work through your pain and anger, and help you think about what’s next.
Also, if your husband is willing to work on his issues, he might find a Pure Desire group in your area to be helpful. xxxChurch has online groups, which are less than ideal but at least available everywhere. Celebrate Recovery is less specific to porn, but available in lots of areas.
I think if you BOTH want the marriage to survive, recover, and thrive, that is absolutely possible! That’s my own story. My husband recovered (with a lot of hard work!) and our marriage is BETTER now than is was before porn was ever in the picture. Here’s an article I wrote recently that you might want to look at, about being on the same team in recovery.
Have a look at those things and let me know what you think! Kay
Here is something I want you all to understand. I am a porn addict and will tell you this from experience… This hurts me more than anyone can understand, I have tried to quit so many times because of the pains it causes me, I have been to counseling and found it to only further induce the monster inside of me. I can’t know for sure, but deep down I believe your husband’s want to quit even more than n you want them to. They might not show it on the outside, but this demon is so much harder to conquer than anything they (as I) have faced before.
If you want to give upon your husbands then by all means spare yourself from any more pain, just know that we hurt inside so very much as well…