Ella Hutchinson specializes in counseling wives of sex addicts. In this 3-part blog series, she looks at common questions these wives ask. (Go back to read Part 1 or Part 2 of the series.)
#7: Is there hope? Can a man like this change?
Recovery from sexual addiction is very much possible. Men who get out feel a sense of freedom, as if a huge boulder has been lifted off their chest. It is such a liberating feeling that many men forget that their wives are still grieving from his actions and likely will be for some time.
For some men, simply the threat of their wife leaving is enough to cause them to get help. But for many others, they need something more. This can cause you, as the wife, to feel helpless. You are not helpless. You can’t control your husband’s recovery, but as the injured spouse, you can control your own. The fact that you need recovery does not mean you are sick or that something is wrong with you, but that you have likely been traumatized by your husband’s behavior. Your recovery includes building up a support system for yourself. Don’t keep silent. Reach out to a trusted friend, your pastor, or a therapist. Keeping this secret will cause feelings of shame, loneliness and isolation. Finding a support group for wives of sex/porn addicts can be very helpful. If there is not one in your area, there are phone support groups available, led by trained life coaches and therapists who have been in your shoes. Finally, learn to recognize your unmet needs and what it will take to meet them. A skilled therapist can help you with this. The absolute best book written for wives is Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. I strongly encourage you to find a therapist (individual and marriage) who is familiar with this book and subscribes to the treatment model described in it. If your therapist isn’t familiar, ask if they’d be willing to read it.
Beyond self-care, I recommend that you take some time to come up with some clear, firm boundaries for your marriage. While this may not result in the desired outcome, it is worth it to put in the effort. At the very least, this is a first step toward helping you get to a place where you can make an informed decision about the direction for your relationship. This means bottom line behaviors that you will not tolerate and actions you need to see happening in order for you to feel safe in your marriage. Your list of unacceptable behaviors may include viewing pornography in the home, inappropriate conversations or relationships with other people, and other possible abusive behaviors toward you that are often present in a sexual addict. The actions you need to see your husband take might be installing a filter on computers and phones, open discussions about where all the money is going with you having access to all accounts, attending sexual purity or sexual addiction support groups, counseling, and talking to a pastor.
Before you present this to your husband, make sure you are prepared to follow through with consequences if he refuses or does not stick to what he agreed to do. Consequences can be anything from insisting one of you move to a separate bedroom (an in-house separation) to one of you moving out of the home. Your husband will likely be resistant to you setting these boundaries and may accuse you of being demanding and giving him an ultimatum. Do not engage in any kind of manipulative or accusatory conversations with your husband. Learn to recognize this behavior and refuse to participate. It is important that you wait to address your new boundaries until you are able to do so in a calm manner. A therapist’s presence (and guidance beforehand) is a good idea. A good book on this topic is The Gaslight Effect by Dr. Robin Stern.
If your husband does not follow the boundaries you set, you now have a choice to make. You can choose to accept that your husband is simply not ready to stop his porn use. This means letting go of the nagging, criticism, and efforts to control (which should have stopped already by this point since you have learned they don’t work). If you choose to to not follow through with the consequences, even though he has made it clear through his words or actions that he is not willing to stop, you are choosing to accept his behavior. This will probably require a good deal of emotional detachment on your part. It may be a marriage that looks more like you are roommates. I have not yet met a woman who has chosen this arrangement and found any kind of long-term life satisfaction in it, but it is an option.
Your choices may need to include making the necessary preparations in case you need to leave. This may mean getting a job if you don’t work and starting to put money aside. Separation does not mean divorce, but it can be a prelude to it. Ideally, that should not be the goal for separation. The purpose is to show your husband that you are unwilling to share him with pornography. Once he sees you are serious and can no longer be placated with words and half-hearted attempts that don’t last, he is also more likely to take his addiction seriously. Also, getting physical space between you and him can make it easier for you to clear your mind, spend more time in prayer and God’s Word, and make objective decisions about your future. A good Christian counselor can guide you through a therapeutic separation where rules are put in place for you both to follow during this time.
Many men have escaped the chains of sexual addiction. Here is an important truth to be aware of. Your husband has probably tried to stop more times than he can count. He is not deriving pleasure from his lifestyle. He keeps going back, trying to fill a void that porn will never fill. Willpower is not enough. Recovery from sexual addiction is multifaceted, but includes reaching out to other men who have been there, and often requires professional help as well.
God must be the central focus in recovery. However, many men have learned the hard way, in the words of author, speaker, therapist and recovering addict, Dr. Mark Laaser, “You can’t pray it away.” If prayer was all we needed then we wouldn’t have to have jobs or pay bills. We could just pray about it and our bank account would never run out and the bills would get paid. If prayer was enough we could eat and drink whatever we want and every check-up would reveal a clean bill of health. But God wants us to do the work, and keep doing it.
Once a man has decided to become serious about recovery from sexual addiction, there are more steps to take to help the marriage heal. After all, just because the behavior has stopped, it doesn’t mean the damage that has been done will go away. Marriage counseling with a skilled sex addiction therapist is important. Couple’s Intensives are a great way to get a jump start on recovery for the couple. I recommend the book Hope and Freedom by Milton Magness to learn more about recovery for you, your husband, and your marriage and to learn about intensives. You can also read about intensives and other issues surrounding marriage and sexual addiction on my website, Comfort Christian Counseling.
I too am suffering and when he has no data on phone, he always wants oral and nothing more but at work it is free WiFi so I know in the mornings and night’s there isn’t any intimacy… sometimes for months and we never kiss unless his drunk and that is the only time he wants to get down with me and even then he HAS TO GET ME TO GET MY TOYS OUT..I feel like slapping his face with them…I don’t want toys ,I want him but even then it doesn’t happen… all his porn of young women and he says he women who are thin need a hamburger.. lol..NOT…. he still has thin women in porn… but he has a thing for big breasts… I dote on him that why he is with me …CONVENIENCE AND NOTHING MORE. HE SAYS HE WANTS TO Marry me but I know too I cannot live a life of unfulfilled love and know we arnt meant to be together… I have been told I am insercure and all women should be shot at birth! He has become verbal and I now fight back with words he doesn’t know what it like for me , I think he does but he doesn’t care..I HAVE confronted him and still he does it! I just ignore it at times but I know I can’t go on like it for my happiness in the future.. he is ADDICTED AND ADMITS HE HAS BEEN FOR YEARS..SO THAT TELLS ME WHATS MY FUTURE I JUST NEED COURAGE TO SAY GOODBYE, I HATE AND I AM SCARED OF NASTY CONFRONTATIONS. I FEEL FOR WOMEN WHO LOVE THEIR PARTNERS BUT IN THE END LONELINESS WILL BE THEIR ONLY HAPPINESS THAT WILL BE THEIR TRUTH AND I DONT TRUST MEN NOW…RATHER BE ON MY OWN… CYBER WORLD OF PORN OUT GREW LOVE AND COMMITMENT AND PARTNERSHIP… THE WORLD IS SEX SEX SEX AND WE HAVE BECOME A LONELY WORLD OF EMPTINESS AND OUR MEN LIVING A FANTASY WORLD OF SICK PRERVERTED WORLD… CRUSHING THE REAL WORLD AND I am over trying to please and have to put my future first…there is no future with A ADDICTED PORN ADDICIT. the world has to wake up… lonely miserable crutch touches , wake up…one day you will roll over only to find the woman you love is no longer there , to no fault of hers only your ADDICTION.
Hi Caroline, I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing in your relationship. I agree with you that the lack of emotional intimacy you’re experiencing now is not a good basis for marriage. And you’re right, your confronting the problem is not enough. He has to WANT a real relationship with you, and he has to do his part in that. I think as long as he’s wrapped up in porn to this extent, he just doesn’t have the capacity to be emotionally available for you. All his attention is focused on that false world. It’s really sad!
I think you do need to consider what’s healthy for you at this point. What do you want in your life? And what boundaries are appropriate for you, when there’s a bunch of stuff going on that you don’t want?
Boundaries won’t “force” your partner to do what you want, but they will define what you want and what you are prepared to do. Sometimes a separation is actually the healthiest thing you can do, both for yourself and for the relationship. I don’t know if you’ve read our free download, Hope After Porn? And a while back, I wrote an article about what healthy boundaries might look like in relationships, as well.
For me, the main things would be, can your partner see the impact of his choices on you, care about how his choices impact you, and then work toward choices that are more healthy for the relationship? If your partner can’t see, doesn’t care, and refuses to work, then that leaves you with a pretty clear picture of what it looks like to stay in the relationship.
I don’t personally expect someone to leave a porn problem of epic proportions behind immediately. I’ve read (and I think it’s a reality) that it takes 5 years to really get past a serious porn habit. There will be slip ups and relapses and falling down and getting back up along the way, but I think it can be done! BUT–it’s a lot of work, and the person with the addiction has to DO THE WORK.
If that person isn’t willing to work, then you’ve got serious thinking to do about your boundaries. (You might want to talk to a counselor as you work through this: American Association of Christian Counselors.)
Let me know if that helps at all. Blessings, Kay
So my partner of 3 years has a porn addiction that he genuinely wants to overcome. We are both Christians and I understand its like a disease that is hard to get rid off….but the damage it is doing to me is crazy…it shatters my gentle spirit. I’m a good independent woman that will go above and beyond for my loved ones and he knows that. Before him I never had insecurities because I always got a lot of unwanted attention and love, I was never bitter or jealous towards other women, but over a few heartbreaks I developed slight trust issues. I always know when he had watched porn because I can feel the difference and see a change in his personality- I am gifted with strong discernment.
My question is- is this a reflection on me as a partner? Should I be questioning myself cos God knows I’m trying to be his everything! I know my value as a woman and he’s never been with a girl like me. Why do guys always go back to porn despite having a GOOD WOMAN beside them? I know he’ll never cheat on me physically- but the fact he lusts and desires other women that look nothing like me hurts more because despite all that- he treats me like he loves me. This is one of the main flaws in our relationship..
He stopped for about 3-4months and then boom he slips right back into it…I just dont get it…how can a guy STILL desire porn even though he deeply loves his woman! What do men want?! I’ve given him alot of chances and try my best to encourage him to rely on God and his apologies are heartfelt sincere….
Is porn a reflection of you as a partner? No.
It doesn’t matter what you look like or how nice you are, you can’t overcome porn. Trying to be “his everything” so that he won’t want porn is just not possible!
He will need to do some hard work, if he wants to stop using porn. Here’s an article he can read for some ideas on how to get started on the road to recovery. And you’ll have to decide what your boundaries need to be in this. Check out this article and let me know what you think. Kay
Help I think he has crossed the line to porn addict he stole my credit card to call a porn line he looks at porn everyday and has gone on Craigslist to get girls to send dirty pics to him
Have you confronted him about this? What has he said to you?
Me and my husband have been together for 10 years and he is a porn addict i have known about it for a long time and have dealt with it until i found out he had been going on chat rooms and talking nasty to girls and i even found messages on his facebook that was the breaking point we have argued about this going on 3 years now i will threaten to leave and he will stop for awhile he no longer talks to girls but he still downloads hundreds of pics on his phone. The only thing i dont understand is he does not masturbate to them he says he gets no pleasure from them so i dont understand why he has to download them he is still very much attracted to me and we have a great sex life. He knows he has a problem and admits he does. So i just dont know what to do anymore
I find that hard to believe that he derives no pleasure from them, but then, if he’s telling the truth he should have no problem getting rid of it (i.e. this should call him on his bluff).
Not knowing more of your situation I recommend you take a look at this book. It’s free and it addresses your situation specifically.
Like many others, I feel lost as well. I certainly don’t want to talk to anyone about this issue, but I know it would probably be for the best to speak with a couselor. I have been married to my husband for 16 years, with 4 great children, and have known about his addiction to porn for most of it. Asked him to stop and of course he doesn’t. He has been acting a little different the past year or so, but we had already been dealing with other marital issues and I thought that was the reason. Unfortunately, this morning, I checked his computer and found that he had been chatting with another woman IN DETAIL about what he wanted to do with her and her body and what she wanted to do with his body. He created a “blog” on a porn site and there was my lingerie picture (no face) as his profile picture. There were men and women of all ages making comments about all the intimate pictures I had taken for him as a gift. Very tasteful but he used them and posted them to this site. I feel dirty, ashamed, lost, angry, and sad that I had absolutely no idea it was this bad. But he has definitely been pulling away for about a year now. I have set boundaries as of this morning and told him to choose between porn or his family. Told him he needed to make better choices and his first choice was to make an appointment for us to speak with a counselor. He is willing to do this…but I’m not sure that I can ever recover from this. We have been through hell this past year and it just keeps getting worse. I’m tired…I guess it would be different if I thought our sex life wasn’t amazing, but we still have sex at least 3 times a week after 17 years together. I just don’t understand it and I am afraid I never will. Is there anyone that can offer some kind of peace of mind for me? I don’t want to be reliving this mess 5 years from now and regretting that I didn’t leave. Thank you for your advice…always appreciated.
Hi Bridgette,
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. I know you must be feeling so betrayed right now.
First, let me offer you some hope. Men do recover from these things. Marriages do recover. I know many, many couples who thought they would never recover and now they are in thriving marriages.
However, that recovery came at a price. It takes work. He has to be willing to work at this. At this point you are still at the beginning of this process. I know you’ve been putting up with it for 16 years, but it sounds like this is the first time you’ve really put up a boundary with your husband around the matter. I would first see how he reacts and then go from there.
Boundaries are a key point for you right now. (Read this article about boundaries.) He need to know how you plan to protect yourself and your family if he chooses to lie, sneak around, look at porn, and chat with women. You need to make very clear to him what trustworthy behavior really looks like and what will help you to trust him again. (Read this article about rebuilding trust.) If you stick to your boundaries and if he knows exactly what rebuilds your trust, you will know much, much sooner whether he is really willing to do the hard work.
My fiance has been masturbating to porn before we met and before didn’t seem too much of an issue cuz we were still in the honeymoon stage but four years later I’ve been fed up with it for the last two years.. makes me sick to my stomach like I’m not pretty enough for him.. I feel as its cheating but is it really? He is amazing guy to me and our daughter but recently I found out he was doing it in the other room when I’m home.. he said he supposedly dropped hints for me to come to the room but all he eve r wants is oral… he says oral or porn so he can go to sleep.. when I said it was hurtful that he did it when I was in the other room he told me to grow up that I’m being immature.. he says he can do whatever he wants with his body. He’s says it’s normal and I shouldn’t be a baby and feel “hurt” about it.. I don’t know what to do anymore I feel disguisted with him . I feel everyone he goes to bed he’s going to watch it. I’ve recently told him I don’t care if he does just not if I’m there cuz that’s the purpose of me being there but in all reality I’m not comfortable with it.
Hi Katilyn. What your fiance is doing feels like cheating because, in many ways, it is. Unfaithfulness comes in degrees: it isn’t black and white. There are men who sneak around with other women: they are unfaithful in the fullest extent. Then there are men who harbor fantasies in their minds of other women: these men are unfaithful in heart and mind. You should be his standard of beauty.
His attitude is sadly common. He believes his body is his own, but part of what it means to love another person is to lose yourself for them. It is about serving them, not yourself. Even when he wants “sex,” he only wants you to pleasure him. Years of masturbation to porn have trained his mind to equate release with “getting off,” not intimacy with another person. Real lovemaking takes effort, patience, and romance.
I would definitely make your desires known to him.
Hello,
My husband and i have been married for 23 years. I divorced him because of his porn addiction. But remarried him two years later because he said he was healed of this. Of course I believed him. He also is a preacher, has been one for over 20 years. His addiction started when he was a teen. I didn’t find out about this problem until I found a black binder filled with cut outs of women in their underwear. We had only been married three years. He never got help. He said that he didn’t need it. Ten years passed and I found out that he was still evolved in it. He again refused to get help. Still preaching and teaching to people in the middle of this horrible acts.
I feel so lost I wanted so to believe him. I wanted so for this to be over and never arise again. It took all of me to get up enough nerve to talk to him about this because he makes me feel like i am making more out of it then what it is. In God’s word this is wrong. We have no sex life. I beg him to sleep with me hoping that some how I can fulfill his needs. Sometimes the sex is OK, but I cringe because i feel like he’s thinking of the images of other women when he’s with me. We have a dysfunctional sex life because of his pron. Yesterday i walked in his study and there he was watching naked women on his computer. He immediately said” I don’t know what this is and blamed it on our 24 year old son. I could tell by his actions he was guilty. This morning i looked on his laptop to see where he had been. I found movies on his netflix account. Soft pron, but pron! It took me years to build up respect for him again. I know what it feels like to be numb inside. My heart aches because i dread where this is going.
I can’t talk to anyone about this because I told everyone that he was healed. I was advised not to remarry him, but I did. I feel so stupid. A few years ago i told our old Pastor and he made my husband step down. I tried to tell our present Pastor about this and my husband told everyone that I made it up. Of course they believed him. All but the pastors wife. He is still doing this and I don’t know what to do. Please help me. This man should not be allowed to preach to anyone anywhere.
What your husband is doing to you is treacherous. To commit pornographic adultery against you is terrible enough. But to call you a liar to the faces of people in your congregation only adds insult to injury.
I might approach your pastor again and ask him, “What would make you believe he is looking at pornography?” Some pastors take very seriously the command in 1 Timothy 5:19, “Do not admit a charge against an elder except on the evidence of two or three witnesses.” Some pastors might not want to bring shame on someone needlessly, so you may need to bring more witnesses to testify about his sin.
What evidence do you have that he looks at pornography? Do you have a record of what he’s seen online? Do you have any physical evidence?
I personally think your husband needs to be outed. His sins should be exposed for the sake of the church he serves and for your sake.
This really hit home with me and my situation. My husband spends hours every day looking at porn and masturbating. He still occasionally wants to have sex , but it is difficult for me to want him. Several types of porn he enjoys is disgusts me. He has quit on his own accord before, but was right back to justifying his habit within a week. It has gotten to the point that I no longer enjoy or desire sex with him. Most of the advice online, including this website is God heavy, which is not easy for me to take. (I am an atheist.)
Hi Carrie. It is true our writers write from a Christian perspective because that is exactly what they are…Christians. As you might expect, it would be forced and not authentic to ask them to write from an atheistic perspective.
I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. Have you had an opportunity to talk to someone face-to-face about this problem? Do you have anyone you can lean on for support and advice about what you need to do?
I know how you feel! I’m in the same boat as you -relationship wise.
I don’t know what to do. My fiance is addicted to pornography. He has been since he was a teenager and he has been very open about it since before we started dating actually. He is the love of my life. He is the sweetest, kindest, hardest working man. He is a good man, a wonderful son and the most thoughtful, loving and caring fiance. The good thing is that I know how hard he has been working to get better and stop looking at pornography. He would go weeks without looking, but then would mess up and look again. Each and every time he does, it rips my heart out. I am warring with myself because I know of what an amazing man I have been blessed with, but I don’t know if I should choose to marry him. People keep telling me to not marry him and at least put off the wedding which we have been planning for and already set a date for. I keep seeing that the majority of the time, men need to be shaken up before they really make a change. Do I need to put off the wedding? Do I need to just suck it up and realize that he is working hard and he will have it under control? I feel helpless, isolated and feel like I can turn to no one other than Papa God. And not that He is not enough… but it would be nice to talk to someone about it… I don’t know what to do…
It is hard for anyone online to give you real timely advice without knowing more of this situation, but based on what you’ve said here, I would postpone the wedding. It sounds like the habit is deeply ingrained in his mind, and for his own sake and the sake of his future marriage, he needs to break the hold this thing has on him.
The frustration he might feel could be great. He loves you and wants to consummate that love through sex. He probably just wants to get to the wedding night and begin a life with you, knowing that intimacy in marriage could really help him with this persistent sexual immorality. In one sense, he would be right. A lot of guys get marriage and never look at porn again: sex in marriage is the last nail in the porn-coffin. In another sense, he needs to be aware that sex in marriage only satisfies his sex drive, not his “sin drive.” Lust is not cured because sex is happening.
I suggest the following: Tell him you want him to do two things. First, get into an accountability relationships with a mature believer who can help to disciple him through this problem. Perhaps they can work through a good book or resource together about this subject (there are many good ones out there). The man can hold him to task about his commitments and talk to him about the deeper reasons he might be rushing to porn. Second, tell him he needs to no look at porn for X months (the “X” should be determined by you and the one discipling him). If he, as a single man, can establish this habit of accountability, mentoring, and righteous habits now, he will have a much more successful marriage.
Don’t marry him! It will hurt now but in the long run you will be saving yourself a lifetime of heartache!
It’s 5 months since I discovered my lovely christian husband had been looking at videos on line of people having sex. I’m so ignorant of the whole thing – is that what they call HARD porn? The trouble is we have been married for 40 years(!) and after leaving his job, for the last 5 he has been a pastor of a small church. He says it only went on for about 3 weeks, that he is not addicted and me finding out was a wake up call. He resigned immediately but gave them 5 months notice and we are about to move back to our old church. I have so many questions and can’t talk to anyone. I have only told one friend at our old church but haven’t been able to talk to her about it . It’s just good to know that she is praying for me. You seem to have so much support for this kind of thing in America but I’m in a different country and don’t really know where to go for the expert help I need. Is it possible for a man to just dabble with this type of thing for a short time or do u think that he has been doing it in the past before we came here as I suspect but he won’t admit? He probably tried to stop when we came here but maybe succumbed again 6 months ago. I’m desperate to talk to someone. I will insist on Covenant Eyes being put on his computer when we move if I can but he says he is not addicted and doesn’t need it. I’m a little bit scared in posting this incase someone recognises our situation and finds out. I keep praying to God for peace of mind.
Hi Jen. You should most definitely talk to someone you can trust to be both supportive to you and give you sage advice. You need someone in your corner helping you. Reach out to others. The problem is far more common than you think, so you might be surprised who can identify with you. Don’t give up until you have the support you need. Start within a local church and see what you find. If there’s kickback from others, arm yourself with information. This is something the church at large should be addressing because it is a hidden cancer in our midst.
I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. It is impossible to say how far back his problem goes. It might be an occasional thing. It might be an addiction. Either way, it is wise for him to have roadblocks in place and to get some men around him who can help him. All men need accountability: it is not a last resort; it is a lifestyle. It is the way God meant for his children to live.