Ella Hutchinson specializes in counseling wives of sex addicts. In this 3-part blog series, she looks at common questions these wives ask. (Go back to read Part 1 or Part 2 of the series.)
#7: Is there hope? Can a man like this change?
Recovery from sexual addiction is very much possible. Men who get out feel a sense of freedom, as if a huge boulder has been lifted off their chest. It is such a liberating feeling that many men forget that their wives are still grieving from his actions and likely will be for some time.
For some men, simply the threat of their wife leaving is enough to cause them to get help. But for many others, they need something more. This can cause you, as the wife, to feel helpless. You are not helpless. You can’t control your husband’s recovery, but as the injured spouse, you can control your own. The fact that you need recovery does not mean you are sick or that something is wrong with you, but that you have likely been traumatized by your husband’s behavior. Your recovery includes building up a support system for yourself. Don’t keep silent. Reach out to a trusted friend, your pastor, or a therapist. Keeping this secret will cause feelings of shame, loneliness and isolation. Finding a support group for wives of sex/porn addicts can be very helpful. If there is not one in your area, there are phone support groups available, led by trained life coaches and therapists who have been in your shoes. Finally, learn to recognize your unmet needs and what it will take to meet them. A skilled therapist can help you with this. The absolute best book written for wives is Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. I strongly encourage you to find a therapist (individual and marriage) who is familiar with this book and subscribes to the treatment model described in it. If your therapist isn’t familiar, ask if they’d be willing to read it.
Beyond self-care, I recommend that you take some time to come up with some clear, firm boundaries for your marriage. While this may not result in the desired outcome, it is worth it to put in the effort. At the very least, this is a first step toward helping you get to a place where you can make an informed decision about the direction for your relationship. This means bottom line behaviors that you will not tolerate and actions you need to see happening in order for you to feel safe in your marriage. Your list of unacceptable behaviors may include viewing pornography in the home, inappropriate conversations or relationships with other people, and other possible abusive behaviors toward you that are often present in a sexual addict. The actions you need to see your husband take might be installing a filter on computers and phones, open discussions about where all the money is going with you having access to all accounts, attending sexual purity or sexual addiction support groups, counseling, and talking to a pastor.
Before you present this to your husband, make sure you are prepared to follow through with consequences if he refuses or does not stick to what he agreed to do. Consequences can be anything from insisting one of you move to a separate bedroom (an in-house separation) to one of you moving out of the home. Your husband will likely be resistant to you setting these boundaries and may accuse you of being demanding and giving him an ultimatum. Do not engage in any kind of manipulative or accusatory conversations with your husband. Learn to recognize this behavior and refuse to participate. It is important that you wait to address your new boundaries until you are able to do so in a calm manner. A therapist’s presence (and guidance beforehand) is a good idea. A good book on this topic is The Gaslight Effect by Dr. Robin Stern.
If your husband does not follow the boundaries you set, you now have a choice to make. You can choose to accept that your husband is simply not ready to stop his porn use. This means letting go of the nagging, criticism, and efforts to control (which should have stopped already by this point since you have learned they don’t work). If you choose to to not follow through with the consequences, even though he has made it clear through his words or actions that he is not willing to stop, you are choosing to accept his behavior. This will probably require a good deal of emotional detachment on your part. It may be a marriage that looks more like you are roommates. I have not yet met a woman who has chosen this arrangement and found any kind of long-term life satisfaction in it, but it is an option.
Your choices may need to include making the necessary preparations in case you need to leave. This may mean getting a job if you don’t work and starting to put money aside. Separation does not mean divorce, but it can be a prelude to it. Ideally, that should not be the goal for separation. The purpose is to show your husband that you are unwilling to share him with pornography. Once he sees you are serious and can no longer be placated with words and half-hearted attempts that don’t last, he is also more likely to take his addiction seriously. Also, getting physical space between you and him can make it easier for you to clear your mind, spend more time in prayer and God’s Word, and make objective decisions about your future. A good Christian counselor can guide you through a therapeutic separation where rules are put in place for you both to follow during this time.
Many men have escaped the chains of sexual addiction. Here is an important truth to be aware of. Your husband has probably tried to stop more times than he can count. He is not deriving pleasure from his lifestyle. He keeps going back, trying to fill a void that porn will never fill. Willpower is not enough. Recovery from sexual addiction is multifaceted, but includes reaching out to other men who have been there, and often requires professional help as well.
God must be the central focus in recovery. However, many men have learned the hard way, in the words of author, speaker, therapist and recovering addict, Dr. Mark Laaser, “You can’t pray it away.” If prayer was all we needed then we wouldn’t have to have jobs or pay bills. We could just pray about it and our bank account would never run out and the bills would get paid. If prayer was enough we could eat and drink whatever we want and every check-up would reveal a clean bill of health. But God wants us to do the work, and keep doing it.
Once a man has decided to become serious about recovery from sexual addiction, there are more steps to take to help the marriage heal. After all, just because the behavior has stopped, it doesn’t mean the damage that has been done will go away. Marriage counseling with a skilled sex addiction therapist is important. Couple’s Intensives are a great way to get a jump start on recovery for the couple. I recommend the book Hope and Freedom by Milton Magness to learn more about recovery for you, your husband, and your marriage and to learn about intensives. You can also read about intensives and other issues surrounding marriage and sexual addiction on my website, Comfort Christian Counseling.
I am not sure what to do, I have had no where to turn for advice or support, I have been seeking it for a while now. My husband and I have been together for 4 years, married for 3. I found out about his porn usage the same month we got married. For 3 very long years I have kept this huge secret that has ruined our marriage. I feel very aggravated, lost, hopeless, used, humiliated, disrespected and hurt among other things. I have known it was an addiction for at least 2 years even when he wouldn’t admit to it or admit to looking at porn at all. He always says he isn’t doing anything, he doesn’t know how that got on his phone or someone hacked his Facebook account. I have tried talking it out like something is wrong with our marriage or me causing him to do it, tryed to spice up the bedroom (i wasnt happy in there either but that made the addiction worse), and I threatened to leave almost 2 years ago. He promised to stop but I don’t believe he ever tried, just hid it better. I found stuff here and there but it is always in the back of my mind. Over the last year I have told him he has a problem and he needed help and that I would be here for him for support and we would get through this. He just shrugs it off always saying he isn’t doing anything. I have become very bitter and angry toward him. I have been lied to so many times about porn that I have no trust for him anymore. He will tell me I am beautiful or he is lucky to have me ( some kind of compliment) and all I can thunk and usually say is if that were true we wouldn’t be on the verge of divorce right now. I can’t even stand for him to touch me anymore, I feel dirty and like I am taking part in his sin. We use to have sex every day at least 1 time, but for the last 7 or 8 months it has been no more than 5 times a month, only 1 time this month. I refuse to be used when he has all those women on the side. Close to 2 weeks ago, He sort of admitted to having an addiction to porn but said he had done really good and hadn’t looked at it in over a month because he knew it was hurting me and he was sorry for everything and he just wanted our marriage to get better. I told him that I couldnt handle one more lie, and I would have to leave him. That was progress. Well a week later I find a porn site from Facebook on his phone in his browser history, he was on it 2 days after that discussion. I told him right then I was leaving, he instantly denied it of course, begged me not to go. He deleted his Facebook account and got the service cut off to his phone. I told him he had to get help in order for me to stay. He promised he would and said he would ask his dad (our pastor) to pray for him. Well Sunday he actually did get his dad and the rest of our church to pray for him there (without telling anybody of the addiction). I am not sure if he really means all this or if he will be back to the sane old ways tomorrow night at work, just on someone else’s phone? I’m not sure what to do next of where to go from here. Will I ever be able to trust him again if this time is real?
It sounds like your husband could have reached a breaking point, but as with all addictions, too often we want to claim that our breaking point was all we needed. We’re delivered now (so we tell ourselves).
Obviously, I don’t know your husband’s situation from your brief comments. But from what you tell me, he’s probably not out of the woods. He has some hard work to do. I don’t say this to discourage you, but to brace you for the days ahead. He needs help from someone who can help him unearth why he is acting this way. There’s more to overcoming this than sheer willpower or putting a few blockades in place. Perhaps he would really benefit from reading some of our e-books about this subject, like The Porn Circuit or Your Brain on Porn.
I’m glad he deleted some of his access to pornography. Now is the best time for him to remove more access points. What often happens is a man will gain some momentum, he will have a track record of victory, and then in his confidence he’ll give himself too much freedom. “I’m just going to go check my e-mail. I won’t be tempted.” Then it will happen. He needs to do something radical to distance himself from this while he is still broken over it.
Then the hard work of rebuilding your trust begins. I highly recommend you look into getting Porn and Your Husband, another free e-book on our site. You can also download these free chapters from some of Dr. Doug Weiss’ books. They address the position you are in right now.
I believe there is hope for your husband because with Christ there is always hope. Christ is much bigger than your husband’s problem. He is also much bigger than your pain. There’s no time like the present to lean on Him like you’ve never done before. Surround yourself with others who can speak truth to you when you don’t know what to believe anymore. Find trusted friends who will fight for your sanity and your marriage with you. The hurt you are feeling right now is normal and justified, so find others who will give you great sympathy and support.
I told my husband how I feel and asked him to go to counseling with me. He refuses.
He says he doesn’t smoke, gamble, drink, run around, or cheat on me and I should put up with his porn because he’s been looking at porn since he was a child. He also said that I don’t give him enough sex so he is justified getting it somewhere else.
I am thankful for my husband and all the good things he does for me and the kids. I love him, but this hurts me a lot. He makes me feel guilty for even questioning him. Is it helpful to go to counseling without him?
It could be very helpful, yes, if he is willing to go. It would be helpful if the counselor did more than help him understand your point of view, however. I would hope a counselor could also demonstrate to your husband why this issue isn’t a small matter or something that should be dismissed. He vowed to “forsake all others” when he married you, and he is breaking that vow. Regardless of how he feels about porn, he should consider that vow and his love for you in all of this. Women want to know their husbands have “eye for only them,” and he needs to get this.
He will/is cheating on you… Emotionally if not physically
I found out about my husbands porn addiction after we had been married for two years. After he lied about it repeatedly and I was still innocent enough to believe him. We’ve been married for 16 years now. I found out last year that he went to strip clubs, before we were married and after we were married and had children. He says he doesn’t go anymore but I don’t believe him. I have reached my breaking point. I’ve tried to keep going all these years for the sake of our children but I can not even pretend anymore.
What hurt just about as much as the infidelity is the lying and the deceit. It is terrible what your husband done to you and your marriage.
Thanks for sharing some of your story. I really encourage you to look around this blog a bit and read some the stories and the professional advice from the counselors who’ve written here, but probably the most important thing you can do is talk to someone in person who has experience counseling women about this topic. These are good resources to start with. You also might want to read, “7 Tips for Wives of Sex Addicts: Looking for a Good Therapist.”
Have you talked to your husband about what he can do to rebuild trust again? Does he know how little you trust him because of his lying? Change is possible as long as your husband becomes willing to do whatever it takes to regain your trust, but he first has to know how you feel.
I’ve been thru hell aswell, it’s been 9 years of hell for me through out our whole marriage he was looking at porn and there were times where I would get over it , but now I feel like I can’t move on with him. I’m so upset and I feel so lost:(((.
I’m so sorry. It really is so traumatic to live in a marriage like this. The damage done to spouses is so often overlooked. It sounds to me like you’d really benefit from some support. A counselor just for you, perhaps a support group. The online resource, Bloom, has wonderful forums, classes, and other resources. He can make choices about himself, and so can you! Whatever he chooses, remember that you can choose to be healthy and well. Peace to you, Kay
I have been in a realtionship with my current boy firend for the last 4 years . He is in early fifties and I am in mid forties .We live in diffrent cities and meet up once a week , He is the most kind ,nice and selfless person I have ever met and my best friend too . He loves me to bits . I am his first girl friend who lasted more than 3 months and he only had very few and brief relationships .
At early stages of our relationship I found out that he is addicted to porn and he confessed that was his way to get satisfied . Things have never been changed and he is pretty open about it .He hardly get excited when we are together . I have never been able to sexually satisfy him . There were occaasional sexual unions time to time ( once in few months ) only if I initiate it and they never go much far .
I am a reasonbly attractive woman with a normal sexual appetite and I know I have no fault on my side . I have nver ever morned or compalined about it . I have not yet discussed about it . I didnt want to hurt or embarrasse him . But he wants to move things forward , moving together and get married eventually .
I am just wondering , whether I will be able to carry on like this for the rest of my life or Should I talk anout this openly . Some times I feel incompeteant and humiliated For the last few years I hardly had any sexual urge and I feel like all of a sudden I have aged .I am a socialble woman and I get attention where ever I go and some times I secretly enjoy the male attention . I don’t want to be disloyal to my boyfriend but I fear sometimes it could happen .
Should I wak away without hurting his feelings .. or should I talk this openly or Just continue as it is …as there is no immidiate danger of anything …
First, go read The Porn Circuit. It will give you a better understanding of what porn is doing to him. After that, I’d talk to him about his porn use and ask him to stop for the sake of his health and the relationship. He may need time to adapt to the idea, and you may want to show him The Porn Circuit as well. In the end, if he’s unwilling to give up porn, you should walk away.
Run for your life!!!!! Re-read your post and see you already have your own answer. It will only get worse and not better.
Run as fast as you can, it only gets worse and worse.
run, run away!
Run and never look back!
I have been married for 10 years now but in my case, I have never refused him sex, its the other way round. I have told him not to hide it from me that he’s watching it but still. Help please!
Valery, that’s common. The honest truth is that, because you’re one woman, you can never live up to the variation available through porn. You may want to read this blog post for more information.
I have also been with a porn addict for 10 years! (Married 4). For the first 8 years i would initiate sex. I got so tired of begging that i gave up. I’m only 30, but often go more than a month without intimacy. He also lies about it. Even when i catch him!
I told him i wanted a divorce this morning, and now he’s reached out for help. After 10 years and my wasted youth, i feel done!
Hi Tina, Oh, your story is all too familiar. In marriage therapy, there’s a “thing”–a real “thing”–called “the walkaway wife.” Exactly what you’ve described here. There’s been a problem for years and years, which you’ve tried to address in various ways. Nothing works. Finally you say you’re done, and he says he’ll get help. Which is great! We hope he does! But many, many wives find themselves just over it already, years ago. I hope you’ll feel supported here to create the boundaries that are right for you in this situation. I don’t know if you’ve looked at the free download we’ve got here, called Hope After Porn? It’s four different women telling their stories of boundaries and healing in their marriages. I don’t think there’s one right way to handle these things, just a lot of pain and hard choices. And, I believe, redemption, when God heals us, even when our circumstances are nothing like what we’d hoped for. I’m glad you found us here, and I hope we can be an encouragement to you!
PLEASE help me I have none to talk to about his porn addiction and we have been married 23 years please email me a number of a wive to talk to PLease
Hi Beverly. It’s so hard to feel alone in this, I know! I think the very best thing is local support. It would be ideal if you have trustworthy friends or family to support you in this? A pastor who could give you help? Other resources are out there too. Let me give you a few places to check. Pure Desire has groups for spouses in some places. xxxChurch has online support groups. Celebrate Recovery meets in many, many churches nation-wide, although they are not porn-specific. I think you would also do well to meet with a counselor in your area. You can check into that at American Association of Christian Counselors. I’m also wondering if you have read Hope After Porn? That might give you some guidance as you process through what to do next. Of course you can always write to us here at the blog, and it’s perfectly fine to do that anonymously. Let me know if those resources help! Kay
I wish I had time to respond to every one of these stories. My heart breaks when I read each of you sharing your struggles and your pain. I have addressed just about every one of the issues mentioned in these commments in this blog or other articles I have written. Please visit my website where I have a list of articles I have written about being the wife of a sex addict. http://www.comfortchristiancounseling.com/partners_of_sex_addicts/articles
In the aftermath of two years of intense marriage counseling, I believed my husband and I worked thru all our unresolved marital issues and had arrived at the best place we’d ever been together. Months afterwards, he got involved with internet pornography and threw it all away. I was totally unaware of his secret life for 1.5 years, until I stumbled upon his disgusting journal outlining his porn use, the lust he felt for women at work and his admission of being on the verge of having an affair. I never felt more blind-sided, betrayed, unwanted, devastated and ugly in my life! At my strong insistence, he sought counsel from our pastor, who recommended a few books and videos, offering him counseling and recommending getting an accountability partner from within our church. My husband wouldn’t follow thru on the treatment plan suggested, insisting his fantasies and porn usage was over. Within a few short months, he broke his promises to me and his behavior and attitudes towards me drastically changed – he became a deceptive, belligerent, hateful person towards me (when nobody else was around to witness it), and every other month he expressed his desire that we separate, yet would never leave! (He couldn’t handle the guilt!) Uncertain of his porn activity during this time, I downloaded stealth spyware into his computer, only to discover more porn! When he wouldn’t make a choice between the porn or me, I threw him out. That night he checked into a hotel, watching 60 porn videos in 4 hours, which truly opened my eyes to the extent of his problem! However, not yet ready to follow thru with consequences, I took him back four days later when he said he was willing to change. But things grew continuously worse and within months of learning about the spyware I’d installed, he justified needing to rebuild his computer back to the original factory settings (in order to be rid of the spyware). He refused to seek professional help, in his mind his only problem was a wife who tried holding him accountable. Every time I approached my husband about his behavior or the state of our marriage, I faced verbal and emotional abuse, blame games, shame, silent treatments, threats of separation, and being told that I was crazy and belonged in a mental ward. After two years of this, I was on rejection overload. My husband had transformed into someone I no longer knew, trusted or respected. When he wasn’t in denial of having a problem, his attempts to change were half-hearted and he refused to seek professional help.
I was told he no longer loved me, and tired of the threats of separation, our marriage of 31 years ended in divorce. His addiction to porn was also accompanied by demonic activity in our bedroom, and among other things, one night I felt a demon crawl across my body shortly after climbing into bed. Thankfully all that stopped when my husband moved out! Prior to our divorce, I read a very helpful book by Vicki Tiede, called “Healing Your Broken Heart When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography”. It is filled with women’s stories, Scripture verses, and it brought great healing and comfort. I highly recommend it for anyone married to a porn addict!
We have been married 15 years. I caught him looking at the porn one year after marriage. He probably continued on, but he didn’t admit it again for 13 more years. I don’t know the extent, he won’t admit it. He is a preacher, we were teaching a class. I was devastated. I am ready to leave mostly because of the dishonesty and lies not just the porn addiction.
I’m so sorry, Renay. I agree with you, the dishonesty is devastating to the emotional heart of the relationship. It sounds like he’s not ready to move toward recovery, which is so sad. You might appreciate some of the articles we’ve published about boundaries: here, here, and here.
I hope you’ll find a counselor who can help you process your emotions and decide what’s healthy for you in the days ahead. A support group can be a big help, and you might also like to look at the resources available at Bloom.
Whatever your husband chooses, you can choose to be healthy and whole.
Peace to you,
Kay
I have only been married a little over a year, and am in complete shock that I found porn in my husband’s facebook activity log. His behavior toward me changed drastically 7 months ago. Physical, verbal & emotional abuse became normal for us. Sex only happened 4 times last month, because I couldn’t sleep with someone I wasn’t able to trust to be nice the next day. I thought I was the problem. I’ve been incredibly depressed, and withdrew from friends and family, feeling that maybe I’m just toxic. He would say during fights that I’m psycho, and I push everyone away. I began to believe him. The only thing I never understood was why the Lord let me see a demon enter our bedroom from his side of the bed one night. I have been frustrated with God for letting something so terrifying happen & not showing me why. I found a porn site on his phone, and he said it was “accidental.” I talked to an older woman in church about seeing the demon, and was convinced then that he had done something to let that spirit in our home. I confronted him lovingly and listed different things the Lord had shown me, and asked if he was involved in something that was opening doors to that spirit. He denied everything. One night after a fight, the demon sat on the couch beside him while I was away. He recounted this to me, absolutely terrified, and still didn’t tell me that he knew exactly what the spirit was. I’ve been terrified of my own home, and haven’t slept in months. Finally, two days ago I found multiple porn searches on his facebook & everything came full circle. I was honestly happy I’m not crazy. I know the Lord was letting me feel things & see things in order to show me what was happening. I confronted him as peacefully as I could, and asked him every question racing through my mind. According to him, porn use is a new thing, and the porn he is/was viewing hasn’t become more hardcore. My issue is that he pleasured himself while viewing it. I couldn’t help but completely breakdown when he admitted to it. I never thought he could use his body with someone or something besides me, and I really feel that he violated the covenant of our marriage by doing so. I have so many questions, and know of no one who has successfully navigated this situation in their marriage. Who can I talk to? Does he need counseling if I feel (and can back up) that he came clean completely? I am so overwhelmed!
I have navigated and continue to – so many ups and downs! If you want to talk I would be happy to give you my email address, then my phone number.
I have been married to a porn addict for 21 years. It is a wild rollercoaster ride with cycles of peace followed by angery outbursts that result in exteme verbal abuse and personal attacks on my character. Things have recently escalated to the point of him blaming me for not meeting his needs and him actually threatening divorce. UNBELIEVABLE! He has no grounds to even think about leaving me and refuses to get help for this problem. Nothing satisfies this man and I am struggling with loving him as my Savior would want me too and setting appropriate boundries. Loving those who don’t love us is very hard! Like Katie, a demon revealed itself to me a few weeks ago. It was hovering over my husband staring at me as he slept in our bed. How does one carry on being wise as a serpent and innocent as a dove when the pain is almost unbearable?
Katie, I am so sorry. My heart feels for you as I’m going through it as well. I saw that you posted awhile ago… How is your marriage? What steps did you take?
I have been going through this with my husband for over 4 years now. I have had a miscarriage, I have left, threatened to divorce… you name it. There is nothing more hallow feeling that this. Complete emptiness, loneliness, anger, etc…
It’s comforting to know that I am not alone in the world. It’s so hard… and his behavior aside from the porn is turning abusive both mentally and physically. I had to call the police on him 4 nights ago for hurting our child!!!!!! Had to put my foot down. He is now living with his brother and facing felony charges!!!! Then come to find out that he has not sought help yet… but his porn is right there with him.
Porn is like a gateway drug. At least from my experience.
When is enough ENOUGH? Help!!!!!
:-(
Emily, I am so, so sorry for what you’ve been going through these past few years and I’m so sorry to hear that your husband’s behavior has escalated into abuse. Can I just say that I am also so, so proud of your courage in reporting him to the police and pressing charges? Enough is enough, and you have drawn a great boundary here.
Whatever happens with your husband, I want to encourage you to seek support for yourself now. Your experiences have been traumatic, and the loss you’re going through is enormous. I’d suggest that you find a counselor in your area to work with; you might find a support group on abuse recovery through a women’s shelter; many churches have Celebrate Recovery and Divorce Care groups, if you need those.
You and your children are valuable people, and you need the support of other people who know that and will walk with you through this. Blessings, Kay
Iam going thru the same thing.difference is that my husband denies everything.he says he used to watch it but not anymore.history on phone proves he is lying.i dont know how to handle it or what to do.my friends tell me not to worry
Its not lile he is cheating but to me it feels like ut.iam just as lost
I think it’s important for you to consider what healthy boundaries will look like for you in your relationship. Are you willing to live with lies? Are you willing to live with someone who hides his sexual behavior from you? I think you have to answer those questions honestly for yourself, and decide what you’d like this relationship to be like. If that’s not the life you want, then I think you’ve got to take responsibility for that, and have those conversations with him. Choose times when you’re not upset about it, just able to express clearly what you’d like the relationship to look like. Give him the opportunity to talk about what he’s choosing and why. See if you can come to some agreements that work for both of you.
Here’s an article about trust that you might like to read and discuss together if he’s willing. And here and here are a couple of articles on boundaries that might help you consider what works for you.
Blessings, Kay
Personally, I believe looking at porn is marital infidelity. But I also believe God wants us to do whatever we can, within reason, to help our husbands stop acting out and work on recovery. After a time, when it is obvious by his behavior that he refuses, I believe we can divorce them because they have abandoned us for their addiction.
That exactly how i feel abandoned! Its beenothing but a rollercoaster ride and its happened so many times all i have left is anger i even left him last year and i even had a miscarriage and it wasnt enough for him to stop
If you look up the word Jesus used in the Greek it was ‘fornication.’ Jesus said fornication (sex with a person you are not married to) is the only grounds for divorce. But, the Bible also says if your spouse leaves, let him leave. You are not under bandage in such situations.
The scripture says (Matthew 5:28), “But I say to you that everyone that keeps on looking at a woman so as to have a passion for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
The way I see it, people who look at pornography (and especially those who are addicted to it like my ex-husband) are committing adultery. The only question is, from a Christian perspective, is looking at porn grounds for divorce?
I’m not saying that every Christian woman who catches her husband looking at pornographic material should instantly file for divorce, just that is an interesting point to ponder.
A few verses down Jesus speaks about divorce.
Matthew 5:32 (NIV)
It is key to note the fact that Jesus doesn’t use the word “adultery” as a reason for divorce.
He uses “marital unfaithfulness” here; followed by the word “adultery” again in the same sentence for the sin a husband will cause his wife to commit if he should divorce her for any other reason.
I think there is a good reason Jesus uses different words here… and there are many concordances you can read to help you understand the difference. We must remember that God hates divorce Malachi 2:16, and the context here enforces this sentiment.
I have been dealing with a husband that is severely addicted to porn he is really sick it’s sad. I have exposed him to the pastor did the counseling he always cries he confesses that he is an addict but its a continual cycle that never stops. Im now Im that bitter and cold woman just ready to leave selfesteem up and down emotions stay a wreck I just ask Jesus what direction do I go in starting over is scary but staying is hatred building that keeps building.
Hi Susan. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re suffering in your marriage. It sounds like you’ve taken the necessary steps to help him get help, and yet he’s not able to make healthy choices. That has a really terrible impact on you, which is really common for wives in this situation. Many, many women will meet the clinical criteria for PTSD in circumstances like this. I would encourage you to find a counselor, just for you, someone who’s experienced in helping women deal with traumatice situations. I do not think that marriage therapy is appropriate when he is not willing to take responsibility for himself. I think you need support to process your emotions, heal from the trauma, and to choose healthy boundaries for yourself.
Here and here are a couple of articles about boundaries. Here is Luke Gilkerson’s article about when divorce becomes a necessary reality in cases of sexual addiction. I’m not saying you’re required to be divorced, but I am saying that you are NOT required to stay and be traumatized in a marriage when your husband doesn’t take responsibility for himself. God does not intend for you to be a victim of abuse. As much as your husband has a choice to refuse his addiction, you have the option to refuse abuse.
You will not be able to force your husband to get healthy: that is a choice he must make for himself. What you can do, however, is be healthy yourself.
Peace to you, Kay