Sexual addiction, an umbrella term which includes pornography addiction, is likely the most harmful addiction when it comes to marriages. The reasons for this are numerous and include the shame associated with this addiction for both the addict and the spouse, the sense of betrayal, and stereotypes linked to the addiction.
I specialize in counseling wives of sex addicts, and I often see women who haven’t told anyone about their husband’s addiction, sometimes for months or even years. The lack of support available to spouses, and often inaccurate information being put out about partners of sexual addicts, can cause a wife to suffer additional trauma and feel like she is partially responsible for her husband’s behavior.
Since this is a “process addiction,” versus a chemical addiction, it is so hard for wives to understand. This lack of understanding can cause numerous misconceptions to be held as truths and can postpone healing.
#1: How can my husband love me and look at porn when he knows it hurts me?
It is possible for your husband to love you, even though he is looking at pornography. In fact, the two are completely unrelated. Men are better than women at compartmentalization. A man’s brain can be compared to a waffle. There are many different compartments so that he can divide his life up into separate components that don’t touch each other. His marriage and family can be in one compartment, his job in another…you get the point.
This is a benefit when a man is fighting in a war and able to focus on the task at hand without worrying about his family back home. But it also makes a man able to look at pornography without thinking about how it may hurt you or his marriage. Women’s brains are more like spaghetti where everything is connected. We are more likely to be worrying about our kids when we are at work and thinking about work when we are at home.
When a man becomes addicted to pornography, it can become a perceived need rather than a choice for him until he becomes willing to reach out for help. His use of porn causes a release of the same chemicals involved when a drug is ingested. At the height of his addiction, nothing, not even the risk of losing his job or his marriage, is enough to stop him. This explains how a politician or celebrity can make such risky, career-destroying moves without stopping to consider the consequences.
Later I will discuss the kinds of consequences that can catapult an addict into reality.
#2: Why does my husband prefer porn and masturbation to sex with me?
Norman Doidge, psychiatrist and author of the acclaimed book, The Brain That Changes Itself, studied porn addicts. He stated,
They reported increasing difficulty in being turned on by their actual sexual partners, spouses, or girlfriends, though they still considered them objectively attractive. When I asked if this phenomenon had any relationship to viewing pornography, they answered that it initially helped them get more excited during sex but over time had the opposite effect.
Your husband had this addiction, or the proclivity toward it, before he ever met you, regardless of what he says. In spite of what you think or even what he might have said, nothing you could do could be enough to sexually satisfy your porn addicted spouse.
Pornography presents an unrealistic reality that damages a person’s brain. They become engrossed in this fantasy world where they don’t have to worry about pleasing anyone but themselves and no emotional connection is required.
While a porn addict desperately craves love and intimacy (something he is probably unaware of), he seeks it out in the exact place that will cause him to become less and less able to experience it. As I hear sexual addicts talk about their past, it becomes apparent why they are so uncomfortable with the idea of intimacy. This topic is beyond our scope here, but it is important for a wife to be aware that there is a reason her husband became addicted to porn, and that reason is not her.
Read Part 2 answering these four questions:
Question #3: Why am I not enough if I am sexually available to him?
Question #4: He says he looks at porn because I don’t have sex with him enough, am not pretty enough, am too fat, etc. What can I do?
Question #5: My husband says all men do it. Am I making too big a deal out of this?
Question #6: My husband refuses to get help or admit this is a problem. How can I make him stop? What are the risks if he doesn’t stop?
Hi there guys!
I’m just so glad that there’s an actual website for women such as these broken hearts. I’m a 22year old mom to a toddler and well, I think my husband does have this addiction as well. I shiver just using this word as its such a stark reality. I’m the kind of person who hides my hurt and smiles out at the rest of the world, pretending that there’s nothing behind this mask. This is the first person or soul I’m really telling this to. I’ve caught out my husband a number of times with downloaded filthy videos.(God knows how I just smell exactly when he’s been at it! Can you explain that :-} )Yeah, well, whenever I confront him, thank god, he doesn’t lie, he admits immediately, but as you said, he always tells me that it has nothing to do with me, he says he loves my appearance and my body and whenever I catch him at it, he always promises that it’s the last time, but do they ever stop? He says that sometimes I am pulled up with him or not smiling for whatever reason, this leads him to these things. He tells me that if I straighten out my behaviour with him, he’ll be straight as well. I’m just beginning to wonder…Hell, can’t I just close my eyes and make it all go away? He says that he feels frustrated that we don’t always get to do things together as baby is around and we’ll have to wait for baby to sleep etc etc. I try to give him as much as time possible but I’m a mom to a small babe.I fell pregnant quite soon after marriage. Ts porn thing makes me feel so exhausted. Too exhausted to love him as before. What on earth do I do?
HI Daisy,
First, your husband is right about one thing: his fixation on porn has nothing to do with you. You cannot be more _______ or _______ enough and make this thing go away. He has to take charge of this himself.
Did you finish the series by Ella about this, especially part 3? I think you’ll read some good next steps there.
Stevie, I recommend you find a CODA group (google it) and also read the book, Women Who Love Too Much. The issues here is not the porn, even though it certainly has a lot to do with the issues this man has and his disrespect for women. But for you, the problem is, like you said, you being willing to let men treat you that way. There is a lack of self-respect and many possible reasons why so I can’t speculate. I also recommend counseling to address these issues. I wish you the very best.
Hi Ella,
I decided to research pornography addiction classes for girlfriends and ran across your site. I have to say I’m new to this whole porn situation. I’ve maybe seen 2 my whole life. They have never been apart of my life. I’m really sorry to hear all these ladies stories. But like them I have been dating a guy for 2 years now a “very good looking” , handsome guy. He can charm his way through any situation and definitely charm the pants off any girl. I’ve been out with him and watched woman approach him. That’s how charming and debanair he is. He does not have a “REAL” everyday Job, he lives with a Million Air who’s a friend but also does work hear n there for this person just to get by n make ends meet. He told me of his porn addition in the begining and how it was the end of a 9 year relationship that he was totally happy in. (I should of ran) Even though he was honest with me in the beginning I really never quite understood or got the whole picture until recently. And truthfully I’m not sure I really have a complete understanding of this illness. During this 2 years he’d invite me over, we’d have sex. And great sex, he defiantly mastered his own technique. We connected sexually so well that just standing near him you could feel the chemistry. It was electric. It was AMAZINGLY hot n heavy in the beginning he would call, we’d go out I spent the night regularly, he even made a drawer for me at his place. I soon feel deeply in love with this guy he became my main focus and thought of everyday n night. If he’d call I would drop everything I was doing including break plans with my best girlfriends. I would bake for him cook for him ANYTHING for him… Then one day ( After I shared my feelings with him) he starts to pull away things get a little rocky we get into a few stupid arguments & he decides to tell me we are only dating and that I need to stop chasing him so much. I am not his girl friend He’s single and that’s the way he wants to keep it. I’m completely devistated I just invested my whole self, my whole heart, my whole body and spirit in this guy. All guards down. He starts saying things to me like “you think me or any guy for that matter would ever want a girl who gave it up so easily”. “Your crazy” Plus other mean, hurtful, and verbally damaging things. Long story short he would come and go as HE pleased and because I’m in love with him, I would think ” The next time” he will see I truly do love him and things will be different. Each time hed sleep with me, the time between seeing him would grow longer n longer. I’d cry and ask why he was doing this and I’d beg him to talk to me but nothing. Then he’d show back up charm his way right back in my bed, my life for the night or the weekend what ever worked in his favor. It got to the point to where he would never spend more than 12 hours with me. I have become very emotionally damaged by this man and By everything he has made me believe and feel about myself that isn’t even true. He has torn me down verbally basicly telling me im a liar and that he wants a good woman in his life. He finally admitted to me the other day that besides the Internet porn, he basically brought his fantasy off the screen and into his bed i was his real life porno girl, and that he doesn’t feel the same about me that I do him, and that he will never feel that way about me as he goes on to tell me all the things he does not like about me and all I do wrong in his eyes. I don’t understand?? I never saw this brick wall coming. I’m so so so in love with this man that I cry myself to sleep every night, I text him wanting answers only to get no reply or maybe a hear and there response. I moved 100 miles away from him just to clear my head and breath but hurt so badly everyday over his absence. I’m a really good person and would of done anything for this guy. Can you please help me. I need a recovery group or something I can learn why???? Why did he do this to me .. I was so sweet to him, I bought him things, took him places, gave him all of me to get slammed into a sliding glass door and all cut up inside. And the kicker for me is he doesn’t even care he’s hurt me. He walked away like he has never even known me. I recieved a text from him the other day that said he had to push me out of his life so he could find Christ and better his walk with him. He also said, I became his live addiction and he had zero feelings after 2 years, of what to me was very intimate times. Everything worked with us it was great .. What really hurts is that he knew the whole time I was falling deeper and deeper in love with him. I’m finally realizing he faked everything. He turned it on and off like a light switch. How?? Why?? What is wrong with me that I accept this type of treatment from him as if I’m not better than that ….. I want to learn to understand this illness so I may become stronger again. Everyone says its not you it’s him, but how ? How does someone have a sexual relationship with someone for 2 years no get up and walk out as if it never happened leaving the other person lying on the floor in devestation and pain.
I contacted a counselor in our area yesterday for couple’s counseling to talk about both issues, I’m still waiting for an answer. i’m not sure we can afford it though. I’m hoping to find a cheap or free counselor too, but i can’t find one yet.
He knows its a problem, but he is following his low-life father’s example. Had the same problem, and all he did was say things and never follow through with ANYTHING. I’m sick to death of words, all i want is an example. i show him i love him by keeping the house clean, making meals for him, cleaning clothes, taking care of our kids, working on the side to bring in a little money…he doesn’t do anything around the house because he’s “too tired” which i believed until i realized he had time for porn…
I had a family member talk to him about porn, and i think that helped, but i really want to find more help.
It is a good idea to find help. As for finding a free counselor, I know many Christian counselors offer free services (or services for whatever you can pay). You might want to look in this directory to see what you can find.
It is all about believing his behavior, not his words. Talk is cheap. Talk is important, yes, but it isn’t the best indicator of change. In addition to the above videos, I recommend you read these free digital books:
You can get these two free chapters from Doug Weiss’ books. He an expert in this problem.
You can also read this book I edited a while back called Hope After Porn. There you will read about some “examples” that you asked about.
Do you think the family member who talked to him about porn can continue talking to him? Your husband needs accountability and help to break this nasty habit in his life.
My husband falls into porn every year or so, and every time I catch him he says he’s sorry and will never do it again. It’s happened about 5 years in a row now, and I got so horribly upset last time, i grabbed a knife and gashed my arm. I meant to do a nick to upset HIM for a change and ended up needing stitches rather than a band-aid. I am so tired of this I can’t stand it. WHAT DO WE DO???? We have two kids, and honestly, if we didn’t have them, I think I’d leave him… :( But the porn is the only real problem we have, and the kids need both of us.
Hi Beck,
It is terrible to hear how much your husband’s sin has driven you to the point of hopelessness. How much does he recognize this as a problem? Is he willing to do something (more than promise not to do it again) to stop? This is about him demonstrating to you through his actions his willingness to change. It sounds like this is something he needs to find help with. A lot of guys don’t like to try to find outside help for pornography, not just because porn is a shameful act, but because it is embarrassing to ask for help on anything for which you feel out of control. But this kind of humility is exactly what the doctor ordered for a man in his situation. It is his pride that causes him to believe he can stand on his own two feet and never fall: his pride is his downfall.
That said, it also sounds like you need some help as well. To use self-harm as a means of inflicting pain on another demonstrates a great deal of internal pain: as you said, this rediscovery was devastating to you. Who have you spoken to about this? Counselor? Pastor? Good friend? You need someone who can walk through this trial with you, giving you sound, level-headed wisdom along the way.
I highly recommend you watch counselor Brad Hambrick’s video series True Betrayal. It is excellent and geared toward woman in your shoes.
Almost everyone has the same story. Nice to know I’m not alone.
my husband has a sever problem with porn. He used to masturbate to porn once a day now it is 2 to 3 times a day. He does it when Iam asleep in the next room and it really bothers me and causes me emotional pain. Sometimes I cant stand to look at him. We have sex once every 3 weeks and I have to instigate it and do all the work and he never returns favors. Like what he sees in porn I do but all though I do the same things he still wont stop looking at porn. My heart is broken and talking doesnt help. I dont know how to make it stop. why cant he just be intimate with me on a regular basis instead of porn 3 times a day? Its really making me depressed. Any suggestions?
Hope, it so sad to hear your story. What an awful think your husband is doing to you, robbing your marriage of intimacy like this.
Nothing will change in him until he sees a reason to change. I highly recommend you read the third part of Ella’s article. Leave a comment if you have any other questions.
I just realize in the last 4mos my husband is addicted to porn.
i confronted him with evidence and he lied and said it wasn’t not him. He would stay up late waiting for me to go to sleep then get his IPAD out put a pillow between us just in case I wake up. If I did wake he would hurry up to shut it off. So I started acting like I was sleep and watch him for hours looking at porn without him noticing me. He sign up for several email accounts, online dating site freeF**kdates. He snaps pictures of the porn women with his phone and he keeps a note with there names. When we have sex he tell me im going to satisfy you and ill get mine later .Sometimes he loses his erection then hell say well he’s tired and stress.He does’nt initiate sex I ask for it everyday and only get it maybe 2x a week.
Sometimes he will have a blank stare or be looking around the room while were having sex or he say lets do it in the dark so im left feeling hurt, insecure, ugly and any other words you think of. so now im thinking he’s thinking of the women on the sites he visits and I cannot and will not compete with that. He did say he’s looks at porn from time to time but would gave me a number and he stated he didnot have a porn habit. He has limit he time at home looking at porn but now he looks at it daily on his phone. Where does that leave us? I bring the issue up he tells me its all in my head and if i keep this up i will ruin our marriage with this nonsense and by the way he says I Love You
Im and tired of pretending to be happy and smiling on the outside while im crying inside. I love him dearly with my every being but this is too much. I want him to come clean so we can start on a path of healing but right now is he pretending like there’s nothing wrong.
Ann, this is an awful situation, to be sure. Your husband is treating you so shamefully.
What your husband is likely experiencing is all the negative physical effects of watching pornography. (This new book, The Porn Circuit, talks at length about this issue.)
Have you told him that you stayed up to watch him looking at porn? Have you told him the specific things you’ve seen and the evidence you have for his behavior?
Here’s how I might approach him if I were you. Remaining composed and calm, I would say, “I’ve watched you as you lay right next to me, looking at porn websites for hours. I know you’ve signed up for e-mail accounts for sites like freeF**kdates. I know you snap pictures of these porn women with your phone keep notes with their names. At this point, I do not believe you if you say your porn use is only occasional, and I even if it was only occasional, it is inexcusable. I want the best for our marriage. I want to be the one who satisfies you, not these pixels on a screen. But for us to have that kind of intimacy, you have got to get rid of the porn and relearn how to be intimate with me. I will not tolerate it anymore. You may think I’m blowing this up, but at this point you do not have my trust. What needs to happen for this to change?”
I met the man of my dreams 7 years ago. We had an amazing 3 years. Our sex life was amazing. He had porn, looked at it from time to time. Everyone’s entitled to go it alone once in a while. Then I got pregnant. Then it went bad, really bad. As soon as I started to show, he would tell me how fat I was and gross I was. He wpuld get mad at me if I came home early from work or decided not to go to the store or something. I found porn everywhere. We had stopped having sex because he said it weirded him out cause I was pregnant. So after the horror of being pregnant and basically hated I had our son. I thought finally we will be better again. I won’t be all fat and gross to him anymore. No no no, boy was I way off. It kept going. He kept lying. He kept doing his thing, and left me alone completely. We had sex maybe 1 or 2 times every 2 months. And I had to beg and cry. It only ever lasted maybe 2 minutes. I would even wake up to him doing it alone right next to me even if we just had sex. He admitted that he got so angry about me being home when I wasn’t supposed to be because it ruined his time to masterbate.H masterbated at work, even in his car. He admitted it was like 4or 5 times a day. But when it came to me it was a big no go. So I dealt with it for 4 ore years. The whole time feeling horrible about myself. Hating myself, feeling alone ugly worthless betrayed. Well he claimed to have stopped looking at porn about 2 years ago, but our sex life never changed. He still didn’t want me. I still hated myself. We finally split up a few moths ago. But the pain is still there. I still feel worthless and disgusting. Will this ever go away? Will it ever stop hurting? The sad part is, I miss him so much. I was so in love. I still love him. What do I do? Do you think he ever really stopped?
Three things I’d like to say to you.
First, I am so sorry your husband is treating you this way. This is no way for any husband to treat his wife.
Second, I suspect he is still involved in pornography on some level. Even if he has decreased or stopped all use of porn, he obviously is ensnared by pornographic fantasy. If I were a betting man, I’d say he still probably still masturbating frequently. If I can use an analogy, if he has actually stopped looking at porn, then he’s like a “dry drunk.” Dry drunks may have quit the alcohol, but because their whole world still revolves around the alcohol they aren’t drinking, they are miserable people to be around. (Either way, if he’s using it or not, the problem still exists.)
Third, you’ve put your finger on the trigger of the problem: The root problem is not the porn, but the lack of intimacy between you and him. Porn can totally rewire a man’s brain to believe that solo-sexuality is to be preferred to relational sex. This is one of the insidious problems with porn, especially as it becomes an ingrained habit. What you want more than anything else is not just that he would stop looking at porn, but that he would be passionate about you. This is what he needs to realize.
Chances are good that he knows this already, but he’s incapable of being intimate with you because of the years he spent masturbating to images on a screen. Change is possible, but he has to want it. He might really benefit from reading this free e-book, The Porn Circuit.
As for you, do you have anyone you can talk to about this in person. You need support right now as well. You need an advocate to stand in your corner and given you encouragement through this. Don’t discount your pain as trivial. Studies show that about 70% of women who have sexually addicted spouses show the same kind of signs of post-traumatic stress disorder. Your pain is not trivial. You need support and the wisdom of others to help you to know how to talk to him and what to do next.
Hi reading these posts have really helped me not feel so alone, I
have been with my Child Father for nearly 4 years, in this whole time
porn has caused such problems, I have no trust at all, we have sex
max once every 2 months and that is after weeks of me driving him
mad telling how I feel so disconnected to him as there is no intimacy
and when it does happen it feels so emotionless and it is a way to
shut me up for a while, no kissing anymore EVER he doesn’t even
look at me, this has made me feel so ugly I am now punishing myself
by either starving for weeks or over eating, he says he has no drive but I have found porn on phone and computer, I have now put adult content restrictor on C and monitor phone, but think I have driven him underground, he comes home everyday from work with underwear that tells me he has been masturbating but gets angry and sulks and tells me im mad when I confront him, but of course I am not silly, he just does not care how this makes me feel and I am afraid it is destroying my life.