Sexual addiction, an umbrella term which includes pornography addiction, is likely the most harmful addiction when it comes to marriages. The reasons for this are numerous and include the shame associated with this addiction for both the addict and the spouse, the sense of betrayal, and stereotypes linked to the addiction.
I specialize in counseling wives of sex addicts, and I often see women who haven’t told anyone about their husband’s addiction, sometimes for months or even years. The lack of support available to spouses, and often inaccurate information being put out about partners of sexual addicts, can cause a wife to suffer additional trauma and feel like she is partially responsible for her husband’s behavior.
Since this is a “process addiction,” versus a chemical addiction, it is so hard for wives to understand. This lack of understanding can cause numerous misconceptions to be held as truths and can postpone healing.
#1: How can my husband love me and look at porn when he knows it hurts me?
It is possible for your husband to love you, even though he is looking at pornography. In fact, the two are completely unrelated. Men are better than women at compartmentalization. A man’s brain can be compared to a waffle. There are many different compartments so that he can divide his life up into separate components that don’t touch each other. His marriage and family can be in one compartment, his job in another…you get the point.
This is a benefit when a man is fighting in a war and able to focus on the task at hand without worrying about his family back home. But it also makes a man able to look at pornography without thinking about how it may hurt you or his marriage. Women’s brains are more like spaghetti where everything is connected. We are more likely to be worrying about our kids when we are at work and thinking about work when we are at home.
When a man becomes addicted to pornography, it can become a perceived need rather than a choice for him until he becomes willing to reach out for help. His use of porn causes a release of the same chemicals involved when a drug is ingested. At the height of his addiction, nothing, not even the risk of losing his job or his marriage, is enough to stop him. This explains how a politician or celebrity can make such risky, career-destroying moves without stopping to consider the consequences.
Later I will discuss the kinds of consequences that can catapult an addict into reality.
#2: Why does my husband prefer porn and masturbation to sex with me?
Norman Doidge, psychiatrist and author of the acclaimed book, The Brain That Changes Itself, studied porn addicts. He stated,
They reported increasing difficulty in being turned on by their actual sexual partners, spouses, or girlfriends, though they still considered them objectively attractive. When I asked if this phenomenon had any relationship to viewing pornography, they answered that it initially helped them get more excited during sex but over time had the opposite effect.
Your husband had this addiction, or the proclivity toward it, before he ever met you, regardless of what he says. In spite of what you think or even what he might have said, nothing you could do could be enough to sexually satisfy your porn addicted spouse.
Pornography presents an unrealistic reality that damages a person’s brain. They become engrossed in this fantasy world where they don’t have to worry about pleasing anyone but themselves and no emotional connection is required.
While a porn addict desperately craves love and intimacy (something he is probably unaware of), he seeks it out in the exact place that will cause him to become less and less able to experience it. As I hear sexual addicts talk about their past, it becomes apparent why they are so uncomfortable with the idea of intimacy. This topic is beyond our scope here, but it is important for a wife to be aware that there is a reason her husband became addicted to porn, and that reason is not her.
Read Part 2 answering these four questions:
Question #3: Why am I not enough if I am sexually available to him?
Question #4: He says he looks at porn because I don’t have sex with him enough, am not pretty enough, am too fat, etc. What can I do?
Question #5: My husband says all men do it. Am I making too big a deal out of this?
Question #6: My husband refuses to get help or admit this is a problem. How can I make him stop? What are the risks if he doesn’t stop?
I’ve been with my boy friend for 2 years now and it’s the same I get blamed for it all he lashes out at me when I find out hes watching porn n basically every time he goes to the bathroom he will be watching it. Because he’s lied so many times I had my phone linked to my other phone that he uses. (Doesn’t pay for) I can see every time he’s on. He waits till I’m gone to sleep to go to the bathroom we have 6 kids he has 3 n I have 3 we have one together. I’ve asked him over n over what is it because I don’t turn him on I’m not sexy enough it came down to it I’ve asked friends if they would need to watch porn before having sexual with me. They all said no! I’m beautiful sexy just the way I am. I have it so down pat than when he doesn’t watch a lot of porn before we have sex he can’t even keep it up. It’s coming to the point I don’t even want to live on this earth anymore because he’s made me feel that low about myself! He won’t stop and he’s already told me if I can’t handle it than leave! If I don’t bitch about one thing I Bitch about that. And he’s been doing it since we started dating (i didn’t know) till I caught him. I’ve been medicated over this threw a doctor. I’ve been seeing a counseler! I’ve asked him to get help but he says nobody can help him. N I’m 6”1 beautiful as ppl would say I dress up for him do stuff that I normally would never do.. to make him happy.. I love the man with all my heart but honestly if he doesn’t change his way I can’t live here anymore I can’t be apart of it and he doesn’t give to shits about it! Please help
Hi Rebecca,
Well, it sounds to me like you’re doing what you should be doing: seeing a doctor, seeing a counselor. I often find that just before we are ready to make a big decision, we feel very confused and emotionally distraught. It really sounds to me like you know what’s going to happen: “If he doesn’t change his ways, I can’t live here anymore.” It’s hard to accept the loss of an important relationship. It’s traumatic and painful. I’m so sorry that he’s making these same choices over and over. I’m heart-broken with you over this reality. But whatever he chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy. YOU can choose to walk free of his addiction. Whenever you’re ready. You can.
Peace,
Kay
Me and my husband have been married for 7 years. I first discovered my husbands porn use within the second year of marriage. It had been going on a long time. We had lost our baby girl and I was always going to bed by myself because my husband was up late “playing games on his phone he said” while I lay there alone crying myself to sleep. Just to find out later that while I had been grieving our loss alone he had been watching porn. We had just had another baby at the time and it was horrible. I yelled and screamed and cried and the only thing he had to say was I’m sorry you don’t like it. He promised it would never happen again so I stayed. Well we repeated that process over and over and he just got better at hiding it. I am still with him but it is killing me slowly I can not get over it. I feel so alone in my pain no one understands. I have isolated myself because I feel so worthless all the time. I don’t think he will ever stop he pretends like everything is good but I can feel that it’s not.
Tina, please find a therapist, just for you, someone who can help you process all this pain and decide what healthy boundaries will look like for you.
It is so important to evaluate the long-term impact that your husband’s choices have on you, and to make healthy choices for yourself, no matter what he chooses. Here and here are a couple more articles that might be helpful.
You might also like to find a group to help. You are NOT alone!
Peace to you,
Kay
Hello. I am also experiencing disappointment with my fiancé, up to a point where I am doubting our relationship and future wedding that I meant to take place in two months.
I grately hate porn and my ex partner was addicted to it too and it destroyed our relationship together with other reasons.
I thought we had a great relationship and sexual relationship too, i enjoy sex and we are sexually active everyday up to 3 times a day. But seems whatever I do and how often we do it doesn’t matter. I knew he watches porn and always has done, but I explained to him numerous times how much I hate it and how much it makes me feel depressed and not attractive, how i am loosing my confidence and how it brings me down. He promised he will stop. But recently I came home from work and he didn’t get full erection and I started questioning him. I asked him if he watched it again, and instead of answering my question he just asked me why I am asking. Which more less answered my question. I feel really disappointed and worthless and I am not ready to live like this forever. Even tho everything else is perfect, he is a great partner and a father of my daughter but I can’t imagine feeling so worthless and unattractive forever. I just don’t know how long I can take it, and I really I don’t understand why he is hurting me like this. I thought only men who are not satisfied are inclined to porn, but in my case it makes me question myself and my appearance and my ability to satisfy my man. I do not know what to do to keep our relationship good, because everything I find out he has been watching it I fall into depresión and can’t relax or let him touch me as I feel so down. He always tells me all men watch it and we are happy so why do I mind, but lately he lies about it all. Why do men do this? Why do they kill their wives by making them feel so worthless ? Is porn more important to them then their partners and families ? I am not going to just ignore the fact he watches is and live happily because I am just unable to do so.
Natalia, you don’t need to accept it. He is choosing himself over you. It’s selfish. Porn is a monster. It doesn’t satisfy, it only lies and destroys. It has highjacked his brain so that he is addicted to pixels instead of you. There’s nothing wrong with you at all. The problem is him and his choices. And, his choices are wrecking his mind, distorting his relationship with you, and it’s crushing your heart. This is why he can’t get an erection. Chemically, his brain is broken. I bet he has no trouble getting an erection masturbating to porn. Ask him. This is on him. He needs to change. Do not marry this man. You and you daughter deserve better.
Peace, Chris
I feel like I am going to go crazy. I dont wanna comfront him caz we have been through so much lies, cheating and deceptions. The sex got bad and every time I talk about it, it got better for a little time then back to square one. We have spoken about porn but i didn’t realize it was what was affecting our marriage so badly. He was unable to get an errection and i didn’t know why. We are trying for a child but has not been successful. I have so much on my mind and I can relate to all the ladies on here. Thank you for this article. I was wondering if the masturbation could be a caz of we not getting pregnant?
Extensive porn use with masturbation does lead to erectile dysfunction, and of course ED impacts your ability to have successful sex, which could impact your fertility.
You may want to think about healthy boundaries: here and here are two articles.
Hi all,
I have pretty much read everyone’s posts to see if anyone has been in the same situation as mine.
My partner and I have been in a relationship for 5 year this December, like most women here I new my partner masturbed to porn every morning when I would leave to go to work. I just thought I had to except it because we as woman are lead to believe this is normal for all men to do. Most nights I would try to initiate sex but he would mostly turn me down because he was tried!!!! So he said.we had always done our own thing most of the time.
I am a very independent women that has always paid my own way and also for my children from my previous marriage in which ended because of his on going battle with a gambling addiction.
Anyway last year I fell pregnant and I retained a load of fluid at an early stage of the pregnancy, he stopped completely having sex with me from about 3 months we only had sex twice a week if that any way.
He started making comments on my body and wouldn’t even touch me, very sad.
Anyway our beautiful bay girl came along, he started sleeping in the spare room where I was finding soiled clothing hidden under the bed every day some with more than one go at a time on. I even walked in on him a few times I didn’t say anything to him I just thought he had gotten into some bad habits from my pregnancy. The comments about my weight still continued within days of delivering, I pulled him up on it and he couldn’t say much back to me for his comments.
Anyway he started sleeping in our bed with me again I started trying to initiate sex with him as I was now able to. But he was so not interested he would try but would be limp most of the time so I wouldn’t bother I did become very emotional with this because I had just had our baby in which I had to deal with emotionally on my own because he was so detached from me but I had never really seen it earlier because we always did our own thing. I just thought it was because we worked so much.
So every night and early hours in the morning when I would get up to feed our baby I started turning on the baby monitor to see if he was actually sleeping but sure enough every single time he would start masturbating sometimes with his phone watching porn. I started watching him in the shower and sure enough there as well he had so many fantasies in head that when he could he would.
I started to go out with my friend on a Friday night for late night shopping and would leave the baby with him for about 3 hours at the most but because of his behaviour I brought a night vision camera and planted it our room to see what went on while I wasn’t there.
And sure enough as soon as he put our baby to bed he undressed himself so quickly like there was no tomorrow and pulled out the lube with his porn and started masturbating. Didn’t even wait to see if our baby was happily asleep she had suffered from a touch of colic so genurally it would take 45min- hour for her to go to sleep because of the wind.
So anyway he’s taking care of himself while she is unsettled in bed. His marathon went for over an hour and a half, leaving lube everywhere as it was a non water based lube.
When I got home I just new he started explaining his night to me without me even asking!!!
That night I viewed the video.
I asked him if he did and he said no of course lol
I then told him I put a camera in the room as seen him and that how dear he neglect our new born baby’s needs for his our!
He kept telling me I’m lying and that that didn’t happen he even pulled the iPad out to convince me I have postnatal depression that I am delusional I’m seeing and hearing things. I do not leave him to look after our baby at all on his own because he has shown me he can not put her first before himself.
I didn’t show him the video because I didn’t think I should have to. So I deleted it not long after another story there.
He started telling our friends and family that I was struggling with the baby Iv become emotional and that I think he is masturbating every where leaving cum all down the stairs on the carpet in the shower etc. because I caught him masturbating in the spare room. His cousin told him he should leave me but he replied that he wants to help me because I am delusional.This is all very far from the truth.
I have put up with this mental abuse for 4 months.
I do not have any of my own family around where I live. I have had emotional support over the phone from my mother and best friend which I could not have copped without I had to kick him out of our home for period over this time because of the mind games.
He is home now but does not believe he caused any of this he believe he is the victim because I do not accept him masturbating!!!
We have been to a couples councillor.( clinical psychologist)
She has pretty much told me to leave the relationship as there is mental health issues going on with him and his addiction to porn!! He is stuck in his fantasy world where it has made him unable to see any sympathy, empathy remorse and love for anything.
He is 38 only ever had one other serious relationship that lasted 5 years also.
Other than that his porn has been his company.
I will be leaving him and hope to move to my mum.
I need to wait for my other daughter to finish her final year at school. Otherwise I would have already gone.
I thought that seeing a councillor would help him to see what he has caused. But I don’t think he ever will he has some underlying issues that he doesn’t want to face and doesn’t see he has a problem and that its me. No quilty of life here.
So gutted that I had not taken more notice to his distance and behaviour earlier in our relationship just thought it was us being over worked.
I have felt most of what everyone else has felt but he also made me doubt my sanity. Cruel and inhuman
Betty, I am so sorry for all the pain you’ve been through in this relationship, and I’m SO glad you’ve had good support from a therapist. You’ve done exactly what I’m always advising other commenters: You’ve taken care of yourself, you’ve gotten help, and you’ve figured out what healthy boundaries will look like in your particular situation. I’m so grateful that you were able to recognize this mental abuse for what it was! So many, many women get caught in this, and do end up doubting their own sanity. This tactic is called GASLIGHTING, and it’s unfortunately very common in cases of addiction and abuse, where the addict/abuser does not want to face up to reality. Here’s a short animation about gaslighting. I’m glad you are on the way to safety and recovery, and thank you for sharing your story with us here. Peace to you, Kay
We have been married for almost 23 years and have four daughters. My husband has never been emotionally available to me and I think it’s because of his porn addiction. He always had a subscription to Playboy, I even bought him several. We even watched porn together. I wouldn’t even have a problem with him watching. What I detest is him webcamming with various women and telling them the things he should be saying to me which he never has in all of the time we’ve been together. I found out about the webcamming in December of 2013. Or rather my teenage daughter did when she was looking at his tablet that he didn’t have a password on. I confronted him, he told me multiple lies like he was just looking at it for “fun”. I believed him and forgave him. Early Mother’s Day morning 2014, I noticed he wasn’t in bed but his cell phone went off. It said his “friend” from his favorite web cam site was getting ready to go a live show. That’s where he was at 3 am downstairs watching her. I confronted, he lied, cried, begged me not to leave said he’d stop for our family. Once again I forgave him. Fast forward to August 2014, I decided to check his browsing history because he still had suspicious behavior, I found he still did his web cam and saved some of his favorite conversations. I’ll tell you that it physically hurt my heart reading what he wrote to these women when he NEVER says these things to me. He tried counseling, took some meds and said he stopped. Well, now I found out on Tuesday that he took a break, but didn’t stop at all. This time I found actually web cam videos of him masturbating on our bed with these women! I can’t remember the last time we had sex. I know that starting mid last year, he could barely keep an erection when we did try. Also, once again he spoke to these women, especially his favorite from two years ago, more intimately than he does to me. He says he’s never actually physically cheated on me but how am I supposed to believe him? Through all of this grief the last 2 1/2 years since I found out, I’ve lost my mother to cancer, gone through menopause and have severe stress issues. I have stomach issues now related to this happening again. His lack of attention to me and our daughter’s due to his addiction, left me at my wits end when I was trying to care for my dieing mom and our teenage daughters who didn’t have a drivers license because he as always too busy to teach them. He swore he would help me out so I could care for my mom but he didn’t. I was so stressed trying to take care of my mom and my daughters that I was almost ready to jump off of a bridge. He lets everything else in our lives slip do to bring preoccupied. The saddest part is my younger daughters are graduating and will be off to college with their older sisters in the fall. This was supposed to be our time to enjoy just us again but I can’t trust him anymore. I’d leave him but I’m not financially stable to stand on my own. I told him that if he tells me the truth and admits to it all, we may still have a chance but he won’t. In fact, he’s still trying to blame me. So, I guess we’ll stay together but not be a couple anymore. I never dreamed my life would turn out like this.
Rachel, I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re going through in your marriage. I think you’re right when you connect the emotional unavailability to porn use. And I think this is a sad reality that a lot of men face: emotional intimacy is too hard; porn is easy.
I think we all have to make the decisions that are right for us individually in situations like this. There’s not one right choice when it comes to staying in the marriage or leaving it. I just hope that you’ll find support and care for yourself in this journey. I just think you’ve got to be grieving so many precious lost relationships–the marriage, your mom, and the transition as your children grow up. Personal counseling would be a good step, I think, along with group support. You don’t have to be alone in this. Blessings, Kay
Thank you Kay, your comments are assisting me to move forward. Hopefully other women in the same situation as all in this posts will realize that its not their fault. This is now the 7th day of separation between myself and my partner, it takes time to grieve and time is the healing process. My partner and I saw each other again on the 6th day as he dropped off some money that he owed. I was a little angry and said that I have been independent for so long now with or without his help I didnt need it and tried to give it back to him. Without getting angry and emotional on my part, I asked the same question again.. Why dont you have those feelings, why dont you show emotion, why dont you show intimacy? During the emotional conversation there was very little eye contact, I could not see his eyes to let tell me how he was feeling…It was the same reaction and answer, I just dont have those feelings, I just want to go somewhere but he still didn’t know what he wants. However, he said that being quiet and and being by himself is doing him good to figure out the demons in his head. I mentioned that he needed to see someone to help him and that I cant help him anymore and to help him through his emotional state and his addiction. I found that when I mentioned that he had this porn addiction he became agitated and tried to find more excuses to hide his addiction. He said that the only reason why he views porn is to try to get it back “feelings” and so on…but I said that if he continued viewing porn it makes things worse and he would not be able to see the light for the trees. He also mentioned that I should find someone else or see someone to help me get over this, I said why should I find go find someone else whilst I felt love for him and why should I go to see someone about my hurt. I said that I can cope and that it was him that needed to get help… I felt helpless….I told him that I have lost my best friend….and he said im sorry…that was the end of that….At first I felt lost…helpless….I dropped him back to his workshop, I watched him walk away from me with his head down….I drove off crying, and then said to myself “that its” I cant bear to do this to myself anymore. Today is day 7 feeling a little better, I am managing emotionally, your website helps me to review the conversations we have and your responses as a reminder that this was not my fault…and that I am a strong person and I can move away from this. It also didnt help that my son also split up with his girlfriend on the same week, so my son and I where crying together and grieving. I had to be strong for him also…For all the the women who read the posts about their partners porn addiction, be strong, you will pass this…Give them time to find themselves…and hope that they see the light for the trees. Our partners have to hit rock bottom before they realize that what they gave up and maybe someday they may come back as a better person, realized that all we did was helped them, support them, and love them. But until then we must move away from punishing ourselves for their insecurities and their demons.
It will take time I cant say that Im not hurting, I still am, but at least I know that I am stronger than him and missing him will eventually go away……
Take care of yourself, Isabel! I hope that your healing continues! Kay
I have been in a relationship now since 2004 with a younger man 12 years difference. I first found out that he was viewing sex magazines and other magazines with beautiful women, hiding them either in his car or in between this clothes. I found them one day between his clothes then I knew then that he had a problem. I ignored it at first thinking it was natural for males to look at other women but then thoughts came flooding in about masturbating over them. He became detached for while, and I asked him why and he said that he was just tired from work and family problems. We finally got the internet at home on and that was the worse thing I did, one day I came home from work early and found that he was masturbating over porn and viewing other women online. From that time on I never trusted him, I confronted him about this and he was just quiet never a response. Finally one day I decided to do reverse psychology but it failed all it did was make him not want me or desire to have sex he was actually put off…After 6 years of the on and off relationship I move well away and got over him it took almost 8 months to recover. We never kept intouch the occasional phone call to say hello and thats about it…..2013 he asked to come back to the relationship and want to make it work, he promised that he would not view other women and make an really good effort towards the relationship. I saw another side of this man that made me melt he didnt leave me alone he cuddled and made me feel secure to be with him, he held my hand when we went out, made love like he never had done before. 3 years later it progressively got worse. He was on his laptop and found the sites and photos of women asian women, porn videos, chats, he has started a new email address as he does not use the other anymore because he knows I have that address. I decided one day to investigate this properly do a report on the websites he follows or views, I tapped his phone and set up monitors of when he was on the computer viewing and yes….he was still doing it….finally after 5 months of not having sex I confronted him and asked why…his answer was I dont have those feelings anymore, I just want to go somewhere…He gave no intimacy, no affection, no attention, always angry, always frustrated…I was lost I didnt understand what he meant….but he said he cares about me just like he said before when we were first together. Im pretty not shabby, im pretty intelligent, Im currently doing my Masters and Doctorate degree, there is nothing wrong with my body its still pretty trim….so on friday 5th Feb 2016 I confronted him again and he said the same thing dont have those feelings and want to go somewhere ! So I said give me a time frame he said I will pick up my stuff this afternoon, but I packed his bags for him and he picked it up, havent heard from him since….now 4 days into it and I feel like crap, thinking that it was me being to harsh, so Im feeling a little lost at the moment not knowing how to handle the situation. Is this a normal behaviour for a man who has viewed for a very long time? He does not hold an erection for long, he straps his penis with a head band to keep an erection, and when he comes its not very much….Often he will sleep for 2 hours, or has a headache, his losing his hair, has aches and pains in his groin and his body, his eyes are sore, and does not communicate very well with me or others, is this a sign of a man that is depressed or addicted to porn? he is 44…I feel so yuk for putting myself through this the 2nd time around..
Hey Isabel.
I’m so sorry for the pain you’re feeling right now.
Yes, I think the symptoms you’re describing accurately describe porn-induced erectile dysfunction. The relationship dysfunctions you’ve noticed–lack of intimacy, lack of affection, lack of attention, anger, irritability–those are all common symptoms of heavy porn use as well. It’s hard to imagine that he is happy when his body and his emotional life are failing. I hope he will realize what’s going on, and be motivated to make changes. A group like SA would probably be helpful to him, if he were to decide to make changes.
I think you are wise to recognize what’s happening and to have boundaries that feel healthy to you. Here’s an article about boundaries that might help. One of the things I’ve found helpful is recognizing how important emotional trust is in relationships. Here’s an article about that.
Blessings, Kay
Thank you Kay for your response, it made me feel a lot better to know that its not me. Its day 5 still feeling guilty for letting him go…Maybe it was the way I responded and reacted that did not give him a change at all to respond. Out of anger and hurt I said I hated him for doing this twice to me and that I hated him at the moment. Here is a person that never says the hate word and tell my children not to even say this…but it just came out….it was an emotional time for me….still feeling that I have no closure…closure meaning that he did not give me a definitive answer as to why he didn’t have “those feelings” or those feelings are not there anymore… to me it was hurtful because I thought I was the cause…I didnt make an effort…..he even said that the reason was that we did not see eye to eye, I questioned him about that but he could not give me a straight answer….Is this part of the addiction that they cannot tell the truth about how they really feel…..Im sorry just still trying to understand all this….Guilt and blame on my part has now seemingly set in….Is this normal ?
Hi Isabel. I think we’re all living within a cultural narrative that supports the idea that if women were thin enough, nice enough, sexy enough, etc etc etc, then men would never stray or make bad choices. In addition, it’s common for men to create cognitive defense mechanisms to soothe the shame they feel for making choices that THEY KNOW would be hurtful to their partners, and outside of the normative agreements of a relationship. The social norms of blaming women, plus having your significant other tell you that it’s your fault, creates a heavy load for women to resist. I think women are so often trained to believe that everything is our fault! So when we find ourselves in these situations, it’s almost inevitable that we believe it for a while.
I’ve done a couple of brief animations on YouTube about defense mechanisms and gaslighting, which you might find helpful.
So, even though you regret the things you said during the confrontation, you are only responsible for yourself and the choices you made. You’re not responsible for the choices he made.
And while it’s fairly normal and common for women to receive the blame in situations like this, it is NOT TRUE and it is NOT HELPFUL to either of you in recovery. It’s incredibly important that we learn to be responsible only for ourselves so that we can recover. No matter what he chooses, you can choose healing. You can find a therapist, find a group, educate yourself (like you’re doing right now!) and otherwise take responsibility for you.
I am 9 months into my marriage.. For some time I kept on stumbling on porn videos on his phone,ipad and laptop. I was so shattered,angry,hurt and felt betrayed. Whenever i checked his internet history on his phone i would see so many porn sites n videos he had viewed.I confronted him some months ago..He eventually accepted he needed help. He promised to work on it. I got really paranoid, I was always checking his phone and saw that he hadn’t stopped. I gave him some time. When I started checking again I wasn’t seeing anything.. I was happy. All to find out that he’s still on it just that he has learnt how to be discreet about it. After downloading and watching them he deletes everything. I caught him some days back and now am back to where I was. I love him so much yet I resent him..am so hurt, I hate him for being selfish..For preferring porn over me.. worst thing is I cannot talk to anyone about it..This is the first time am sharing this with anyone… I don’t trust him anymore. .. don’t know what to do…
Hi Sarah.
Well, I think first of all, he needs to get help and accountability besides you. While it’s good for you to know how he’s doing, you shouldn’t have to be his police officer. He should have a plan and work that plan. He might want to go to a group (Pure Desire, SA, Celebrate Recovery). He might need a CSAT therapist. He definitely needs some other people to help him into recovery.
Secondly, you need to find some support for yourself. There ARE safe people you can talk to, and you need to. Many wives will meet the criteria for PTSD in situations like this, and often their recovery is neglected. So find a group for yourself (Pure Desire, S Anon). Find a therapist, just for you. Check into the online resources for wives, here. You might like our free download, Hope After Porn, where several wives talk about their processes in recovery. Jen Ferguson does a Friday periscope for wives that you might appreciate. And here’s a free video series by Brad Hambrick for wives in recovery.
I hope that helps! Blessings, Kay
I’ve been reading all the blogs, printed of material and gave to my Husband. He promised he wouldn’t do it anymore, and read the material. I caught him doing it again. I printed off the ” 10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Your Marriage, and Your Sex Life.” I highlighted and poured my soul out. I handed it to him, and he said “why do you keep printing this stuff off, I don’t have a problem.
I am now at a loss. I thought he believed he had an issue. He does this daily. He has done this a long time. I have caught him years ago, then again recently. I had no idea he was still doing this years later. My son had a drug addiction that is under control, but now I feel like I’m always looking. He said he feels like he’s in prison. I blocked all the tv’s from on demand. He got sneaky and found “soft porn” on the tv. So I blocked anything with nudity.
If he thinks he has no problem, I can’t fix him, it’s an addiction. I have reached my breaking point. I’m not sure what to do now. Do you have any advice?
Hi there thanks for your reply you seem to have misunderstood about the porn addiction it was only STRAIGHT PORN he was watching but needed to hear about what men got up to as from what we can work out something to add to his growing appetite within the addiction tigether with the secret messaging in chat rooms which he then got addicted to also the adoration from other men. Not sure I mentioned this he has also been diagnosed with traits of adult autism which we are both attending an appointment end of jan. My biggest problem fear is not being able to get the thoughts out of my head about the mentally stimulated by the dirty chat . I married a straight manly man & this is a complete turn off for me. We are suffering in the physical side of our marriage due to this. Until we get referred for psychosexual counselling its a very painful difficult time trying to shut these thoughts out of my mind. My husband is the most loving man I have ever met I still cant believe its happened to us! .