Sexual addiction, an umbrella term which includes pornography addiction, is likely the most harmful addiction when it comes to marriages. The reasons for this are numerous and include the shame associated with this addiction for both the addict and the spouse, the sense of betrayal, and stereotypes linked to the addiction.
I specialize in counseling wives of sex addicts, and I often see women who haven’t told anyone about their husband’s addiction, sometimes for months or even years. The lack of support available to spouses, and often inaccurate information being put out about partners of sexual addicts, can cause a wife to suffer additional trauma and feel like she is partially responsible for her husband’s behavior.
Since this is a “process addiction,” versus a chemical addiction, it is so hard for wives to understand. This lack of understanding can cause numerous misconceptions to be held as truths and can postpone healing.
#1: How can my husband love me and look at porn when he knows it hurts me?
It is possible for your husband to love you, even though he is looking at pornography. In fact, the two are completely unrelated. Men are better than women at compartmentalization. A man’s brain can be compared to a waffle. There are many different compartments so that he can divide his life up into separate components that don’t touch each other. His marriage and family can be in one compartment, his job in another…you get the point.
This is a benefit when a man is fighting in a war and able to focus on the task at hand without worrying about his family back home. But it also makes a man able to look at pornography without thinking about how it may hurt you or his marriage. Women’s brains are more like spaghetti where everything is connected. We are more likely to be worrying about our kids when we are at work and thinking about work when we are at home.
When a man becomes addicted to pornography, it can become a perceived need rather than a choice for him until he becomes willing to reach out for help. His use of porn causes a release of the same chemicals involved when a drug is ingested. At the height of his addiction, nothing, not even the risk of losing his job or his marriage, is enough to stop him. This explains how a politician or celebrity can make such risky, career-destroying moves without stopping to consider the consequences.
Later I will discuss the kinds of consequences that can catapult an addict into reality.
#2: Why does my husband prefer porn and masturbation to sex with me?
Norman Doidge, psychiatrist and author of the acclaimed book, The Brain That Changes Itself, studied porn addicts. He stated,
They reported increasing difficulty in being turned on by their actual sexual partners, spouses, or girlfriends, though they still considered them objectively attractive. When I asked if this phenomenon had any relationship to viewing pornography, they answered that it initially helped them get more excited during sex but over time had the opposite effect.
Your husband had this addiction, or the proclivity toward it, before he ever met you, regardless of what he says. In spite of what you think or even what he might have said, nothing you could do could be enough to sexually satisfy your porn addicted spouse.
Pornography presents an unrealistic reality that damages a person’s brain. They become engrossed in this fantasy world where they don’t have to worry about pleasing anyone but themselves and no emotional connection is required.
While a porn addict desperately craves love and intimacy (something he is probably unaware of), he seeks it out in the exact place that will cause him to become less and less able to experience it. As I hear sexual addicts talk about their past, it becomes apparent why they are so uncomfortable with the idea of intimacy. This topic is beyond our scope here, but it is important for a wife to be aware that there is a reason her husband became addicted to porn, and that reason is not her.
Read Part 2 answering these four questions:
Question #3: Why am I not enough if I am sexually available to him?
Question #4: He says he looks at porn because I don’t have sex with him enough, am not pretty enough, am too fat, etc. What can I do?
Question #5: My husband says all men do it. Am I making too big a deal out of this?
Question #6: My husband refuses to get help or admit this is a problem. How can I make him stop? What are the risks if he doesn’t stop?
I want to share my story in hope it will help others & I also will get some feed back. Last year my world fell apart in the worst way ever. I discovered after years of suspicion regarding my husbands behabiour on his iphone. I always felt there was something he was doing on it wasn’t right. We had been together since 2002 married in 2008 had a few probs with his mood swings,anger, frustration. We ended up with a trial seperation in sept 2012 for 4 months whilst he sort anger management.
Last November after as I say months of suspecting he was messaging someone I discovered on itunes history he had in fact been using gay bi chat rooms. I was in total shock it destroyed me the pain I felt I couldn’t even tell you in words but it was unbearable. I confronted him he just kept saying it was just chat just chat. After a lot of screaming & shouting and months of seeing numerous counsellors to which most couldn’t help because he didnt claim to know why he did it as he is def not gay or bi but completely straight. We all know this is not the normal behaviour of a straight man. Eventually we picked it to pieces trying to find the answers I so needed . He got addicted to the attention the send up but also craved male acceptence. He had only a few friends of which one best friend had ended their friendship for which we have never known. He never got over it . They grew up together like brother’s especially as his own brother was the complete opposite they were not close had nothing in common. His dad worked long hours too so his mum was his mane person in his life. His mother was over protective after many miscarriages after his older brother was born. My husband also had heath probs as a baby young child which meant he got extra attention. Just giving you some background information. Within the last few days I needed some remaining questions answered because although I understand why he got addicted to the attention send up male acceptance thing, I needed to know what was in his mind back then before he hit that download button it took a lot for him to finally admit he had bi curious thoughts about what 2 men get up to. My question has been answered but at the same time I have asked why not just watch gay porn why the creating a profile or profiles in lot’s of gay chat rooms & needing to read chat with them. I forgot to add I also discovered he had a serious porn addiction which took over his life. He worked shifts one week of earlies the other lates. Whilst I was at work he’d fill his time with these apps & porn. I found out when we moved in together some years before he had watched porn on our laptop it was something leather fetish that kind of thing. We used to watch stuff together in the begining as I was also very sexual but it stopped because he felt uncomfortable with me watching too so went back to watching more & more alone more risky taboo stuff but still insists never any gay porn. I find it all so weird & although we have worked through so much this past year our sex life isn’t healed . We are in the process of getting more couple counselling to try & save our marriage . Additionally he has been diagnosed with traits of adult autism which we are attending an appointment end of jan. My biggest problem is coping with his admission of feeling bicurious in the first 2 years of our marriage being in sexual conversations with other men gay men & bisexuals. I cant get past it in particular when we have sex. There is a huge age gap which has never bothered us until all of this. I am 48 years old all be it a young 48 year old so I’m told & he is 32 . This bi curious behaviour started when he was 27 . He has only ever had one sexual relationship which only lasted a matter of months. I was his first love. Hoping someone out there can help me advise how do you ever get over something like this!
Hi Cath.
Well, this sounds like a very unique and complicated situation. I hope the couples’ counseling is helpful to you. And I hope that you’re each able to work on your individual issues as well. I think it’s very important that the person with the addiction takes responsibility for his part, while the spouse takes responsibility for her emotional processing and choosing healthy boundaries. Sometimes I find that the wife’s needs are neglected in the service of keeping the relationship together no matter what. I hope that doesn’t happen for you! Ella wrote a bit about that recently.
I agree that his explorations of bisexual and gay porn are concerning, and need to be fully understood rather than repressed or ignored. I’d want to make sure that he is processing those issues completely with a therapist who is experienced in those issues. Issues of gender and sexual identity are often very difficult to fully unfold, as our culture is very fearful of gender and sexual differences. Sometimes a “secret” sexual life, like a pornography habit, is the place that the truth of gender and sexual identity is first revealed. The issue of chatting does, to me, raise the concern that he is actually meeting a relationship need in those areas, rather than just pushing heterosexual boundaries. I think it’s important to truly understand what’s happening for him in those interactions. I think you build true healing on the truth, so it’s vital that you do understand what’s happening so that you can make good, healthy choices for the future. If your therapist is not experienced in working with issues of sexual identity, you might want to find someone who is.
Blessings, Kay
My husband and I have been married 2 years and together 5 years. I found a porn stash when we had been together under a year. He told me it belong to his ex wife, but they used to look at it together and that he use to suscribe to playboy while in the military. I let him know in no uncertain term how I felt about it several times. He told me he quit looking at it years ago and that he knew it was wrong. But, I didn’t quite trust him on it. He has made lustful comments about women and a wondering eye at times. Also talks and acts like he is obsessed with sex. He can be a selfish self centered person, and blowing thru our money. I feel very abused. The past year has been very bad, I got sick, missed 2 months of work (female infections) and couldn’t have sex. His comment to me was that sucked for him. I still have problems off and on and I get the silent treatment, yelled at, and arguements. He does not want to seem to understand. I ended up finding some really sick porn on his tablet and where he typed in the specific type of girls he wanted. This was 2 months ago. First he blamed me for being sick and withholding. Then after I tried to kick him out he said it would be the death sentence to our marriage, so he’s in the spare bedroom. We’ve been going to marriage counseling and he has read many books on the problems. He did admit what he did was wrong. The counselor is decent and I think the books have helped. But I think there is more. The counselor does not think he is and addict and I do. Holding me down during sex to me is just pathological among others incindences in the bedroom. I have been pushing for him to go to a 12 step program, but I’m meeting resistance. He says he went cold turkey off of it, but that he had only looked at a few pictures. To me it looked like he had binged. He told me he would have never told me about the porn but because I found it now I know. He says he’s not an addict and does need or want a 12 step, what do you think?
Well hey, Monica. I’m glad you wrote in. I’m a counselor, and I’ll tell you this: I do NOT consider a porn problem (whatever level of use) to be a couples’ counseling issue. I conceptualize this as a problem that HE has, that HE needs to take responsibility for. We find that it generally takes quite a long time of persistent work for a man to recover from this kind of problem. Maybe a few years.
I agree with you that holding you down during sex is a very bad sign. Also, his unwillingness to go to a group is discouraging. I think someone who is really sincere in his desire to repair the marriage would be willing to attend a group.
However. You can’t force him to make those healthy choices. You can only be in charge of your own healthy choices.
Your job in this is to take responsibility for yourself, for your emotions, for your healthy boundaries. You will need to trust yourself to know if this is a relationship that’s headed in a healthy direction or not, and what to do if things are not going well. Here’s an article I wrote a while back about emotional trust, which I think is a really good way to know how things are going even if behavior is not perfect. And here’s a good article from Ella as well.
I would encourage you to find a counselor just for you, to help you think through those issues. Also, groups can be a great source of support: Celebrate Recovery, S Anon.
Im in a really bad state!!!! My husband & I have been together almost 16yrs and is so obsessed with porn its disgusting! !! He spends over 1/2 hour on the “toilet” at least 5 times a day, i know what his up to! I seem to notice it goes in waves hides his phone, i would wake up at 2am by the dimmed light on his phone & as soon as i move he pretends to be sleeping!! His lieing alot lately blames my cooking on having to use the bathroom so often! !! I have just recently snuck into his phone and found some real nasty porn and conversations between him and other women on these porn sites and pictures of him self on there!!!! He has admitted to me he has a problem but wont do anything about it!!! what should i do ?
Hey Skye. Well, whatever your husband chooses to do, you’re going to need help and support. A personal counselor is always a good place to start. And then there are groups like Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, and xxxchurch that can provide great support to you. You’ll need to think about healthy boundaries, and what you are willing to have in your marriage. Here’s a great article Ella wrote just recently. And here’s a link to some of our most popular articles for wives. Your husband will need to take responsibility for himself and his behavior and recovery if he chooses that. But no matter what he chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy and to get support for yourself as you decide what’s next. I hope you’ll do that! Blessings, Kay
Auto correct removed an important word in my earlier comment.
The third sentence in my previous post should read, “The most common complaint I here is NOT, “I’m not attracted to my wife.”
In fact I only hear this complaint from about 10-20% of men. Further when I ask why the answer is that their wife takes them for granted an has put on 30-50 pounds since getting married.
So don’t misread my earlier post wives. My experience is the the overwhelming amount of men are anxious and willing to have sex with their wives but have lost hope due to years of rejection multiple times a week. Remember in only takes a few weeks to train them not to ask for sex. But they will still resent you every time they want sex.
As in all things in marriage, there are many ways we are sinned against and sin against one another. Each person needs to take ownership of his or her own sin. If a wife has been odious or dismissive, let her own it. If a husband has reacted by retreating to porn, let him own it. If a wife feels hurt by a husband’s porn use, let him acknowledge her pain and his guilt in hurting her. If a wife reacts to that pain by being vindictive or vengeful, let her acknowledge her wrongdoing and his hurt.
Of course, there is her own trauma to consider as well. If she sins against her husband but that sin is borne out of the trauma of his porn use, then use the principle taught to us by Christ who said that if you cause a weaker person to sin, they have still sinned, but your sin is grave and woeful.
Not true …… I went to group therapy with a roomful of very attractive women who had totally lost their self-esteem because their porn-addicted husbands were not interested in real sex at all. A lot of it starts with lazy men who just think of themselves & what’s easy …. Real women Not true … I attended a support group for wives of porn addicts ….. these women were very attractive ( not fat at all!) …..they were there because their lorn-addicted husbands preferred the easy way out ….. Gratify yourself only ….. They lost interest in real women because that might require some kind of reciprocity. ;)
All of these men suffer from addiction which has such a major affect on them they live in a fantasy land and it blinds them completely of reality in all aspect of life they become emotionally numb and pysically numb to us and that’s why they hurt us so much. they show us they do not care after we have expressed our hurt, concerns, emotions and love.
This is the addition! Most of them stumble across porn as a child so their addiction was there well before we had even known them it is their first love.
Some men see the bad in it and turn it down when they were young. These men are the men we want they don’t have a weakness to it. I believe they will always go back to it.
It’s always good to think about healthy boundaries; we can’t change someone else, but we are in control of our own choices. I think one of the best measures of whether a relationship is healthy, especially during recovery, is the amount of emotional trust. Emotional trust depends entirely upon the capacity of the individuals within the relationship to turn toward one another and to care how the other person feels. If only one person cares, the relationship won’t work. Every relationship is different, and we all have to be wise in making choices that are healthy in our own particular situations. Peace to you, Kay
Complex subject. Your points seem well-informed and wise. I have worked in a non-denominational church with dozens of men that had this addiction. The most common complaint I hear is “I’m not attracted to my wife!” The most common complaint is that the husband tells his wife he is interested in sex three or four times a week and she says she is interested in sex once a week. They compromise and have sex once a week. The Apostle Paul said 1 Corinthians not to stumble someone by denying your spouse sex.
Now at the same time I teach Christian men that God expects them to bound their actions and thoughts to their wife alone. They need to grow up and exercise self-control. Some spouses take their relationship for granted adding 30-50 pounds in the first 10 years of marriage (men and women both). This is another area of addiction or self-soothing behavior. I train men to stop taking their wife for granted.
The approach and some wise counsel can go along way at eliminating this addiction.
That said, I have come across 1 in 5 or 6 men who has an serious sexual addiction. They need professional help and are extremely destructive to families. Strangely enough when I ask men where they land on severity they usually are very honest and self identify.
Wives, remember that sex to your husband is like recess when he was I grades school. If you try and control and manipulate him by eliminating his recess privileges you will create someone with a pornography problem even if they have never had one before.
Haven’t you read the comments from the women here who NEVER denied their husbands sex? In fact, many wanted more sex than their husbands …. Do not blame the wives …these men are sick
I know this because my husband was apparently a porn addict before I even met him 46 years ago …. he claimed he was too tired for sex , but I would find cheap porn novels under the seats of his car …. I felt very lonely …. again, don’t assume that these guys are starved for sex
So many of the comments are like pages from my life. I am in my 3rd marriage (1 & 2 were unfaithful with muliple affairs) and I didn’t want this marrage to be a failure as well. I would see myself as a failure. I thought I had finally met the man that God had planned for me from the start. I thought he was faithful to me until I found out why he wasn’t having “affairs.” He can’t be intimate with a “real” woman, including his wife due to his almost life long obession (his term, not mine) with porn. Now a day’s he changes the definition of what porn is. He justifies some activity as “It’s not porn but provative material”! WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE? We not young but in our 50’s so this shouldn’t be in our lives now! The “cursoity” factor should be gone! Futher he won’t accept responsibility for any of his actions or his obsession. He blames started with it was his father’s fault because his father didn’t catch his dirty magazines in his room. Now it has been my fault because I sent him a link for something on the internet which lead him to other links. His last blame was it was his son’s fault because he was searching for a youtube video that his son has for sports. Searching for that lead him to other links. It is never his fault. He recently held the bible and it appeared that he said a prayer holding the bible and then told me he was through with pronography. I asked him what was the difference in this promise from all of the past years of promises and he said he had never made an oath to God to quit. Well I have caught him multiple times since that display. I don’t know what else to do.
Vivian, I am so, so sorry for all the pain you’ve suffered in your marriages.
Here’s what I think you can do: you can get help for YOU. Find a counselor who can help you process through your emotions. Also, you’ve been married to three sex addicts. I think it might be time to go to S Anon. Even Al Anon has been helpful in situations like this.
Whatever your husband chooses, YOU get help. YOU find healing. YOU make healthy choices.
we are just 11 months married and i just discovered that my husband is watching porn and doing the thing called’ all by myself’.I felt unsecured and worthless.i don’t know how i will confront him,i remember the way he talk about it,it seems like he does’nt care if i’m hurt or what i feel towards this things.
I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re going through right now. This is such a hard thing to face, so early in your marriage. I hope you’ll take advantage of the free resources here as you consider a way forward. Here’s are a couple of free downloads for wives that you may find helpful: Porn and Your Husband, Hope After Porn. Here’s a link to a list of our top posts for wives. One of the most important issues women face in this situation is personal boundaries, so don’t miss this article on that topic.
You might also appreciate getting into a group with other women who are sharing this experience with you: Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, and even Al Anon are places to look for support. You may you find yourself needing a personal counselor, as well. This is just such a painful experience for women, and I encourage you to find support as you process your emotions in this.
Blessings, Kay
Leave …it took me 35 years before I finally gave up on him …I am finally at peace
Is it wrong of me to not want to have sex with my husband when I know that he is looking at porn every few days?
I would call that a normal and healthy boundary, Sarah. If he’s looking at porn, of course you don’t want to have sex with him.
Sarah; you are absolutely justified in not wanting to have sex with him. From a man’s perspective, one who has been there, if he is looking at porn he is then using you as a masturbation tool. (sorry to be so blunt). This is not what God intended for marriage and union with divine partners. His porn activity is a selfish act. Love is a selfless act. As scripture states, two kingdoms divided cannot stand, meaning it is IMPOSSIBLE to be selfish and selfless at the same time. Love, true authentic intimacy, and union in marriage require one to be selfless. Read more on intimacy at http://www.roadtopurity.com/understanding-intimacy.html.
My Wife thinks that my old masturbation habits of 1-2 a week while looking at porn was an issue. Through lifes stresses, and Christains goals, I have only done it once in the past 9 months by my own choice. She think then and now is an issue. Should I think I have a porn or masturbation addiction?
Hey Curious Husband,
First, congrats on dramatically reducing a bad habit. The Lord is good.
Second, I suppose my question for you is how you understand your own masturbation. If you’re engaged in an act of lust, I completely understand why your wife wouldn’t like that (as it is sinful). You might read this article on masturbation and see if it helps clear things up. This one also might be a help.
I’m awful at intros so here it goes.
Hi, I’m Marissa and I’m 17 years old. I’m engaged to a boy named Ben, who had a porn addiction until I got him to stop recently.
now before I start id like to give a back story. I’m a girl with very low self esteem at times. I compare myself to others. say I’m not pretty enough,( even though anytime I say that everyone tells me I’m crazy). My ex Mario who was 20,( I was 16) had a porn addiction. he was also controlling. he would tell me to cut my hair this way or dye it this way or dress or act or talk a certain way because it would make me more attractive. sexier. and as a 16 year old girl this hurt me a lot. he drilled into my brain that I need to fulfill his desires if I wanted to me “sexy”. He asked me to watch porn with him one time and I said okay, but instantly regretted it as I see him get turned on by this girl with body that mine is incomparable to. another time he asked me to do things to him(SORRY FOR A LITTLE R RATED TALK) and I look over and he’s on his phone. I ask what he’s doing, ” watching a video” “oh porn” and I get up and tell him to satisfy himself and that I wasn’t going to pleasure him. ( we broke up afterwards)
SO THIS IS NOW 7 MONTHS AFTER MY EX.
So back in February I was pregnant. We aborted the child,( we’re young and this was the only good choice for us and the child) and after it all I didn’t want sex. I lived here with him, not becoming aroused or anything because of the depression. Well one day I asked to use his phone since mine had died and I went to look something up and BAM. right there on the tab was a video. I opened up the history and his phone was flooded. i was hurt, I felt like I wasn’t enough. I didn’t say anything and gave him the phone back, but over the next 2 months I checked his history. Whenever I’d ask to use him phone he’d clear the history (big red flag). so one day in March I asked to use his phone and he told me to wait, my reply was “you don’t need to clear the history I know you watch porn”. he was mad. and embarrassed, ashamed. he said he wouldn’t do it again.
well in May there it was. I lost myself mentally and he then swore on his life he wouldn’t watch it again.
In June I asked him if he kept his promise and he said yes, I asked him to hand me his phone and he did willingly. he swore on my life and his life that he hadn’t and right there the most recent site, it was there. He broke down and cried said he was sorry. And honesty I said the only thing I knew to say that would make him not watch it again, “if I have to break up with you for you to learn not to hurt and lie to me I will Ben. I don’t care if we’re engaged and we’re going to have a kid if you don’t care neither do I.”
he lost it.
People here call us “Romeo and Juliet” for all the wrong reasons but they’re true. We yelled and screamed and even lost ourself in the process. he put reminders on his phone that says “don’t hurt her”. it’s been a month and I still ask on occasion if he’s kept his promise, he says he will because he doesn’t wanna see me the way I was that night, that it’s not worth losing me over.
ladies I know it’s hard to make a man stop, but if he truly cares hell give up his addiction for you. I wish you all the best.
Hi Marissa, I’m sorry you’ve had so much pain in your life already. I hope we can give you some support and help here!
First of all, I’m glad to hear that your fiance wants to be free of porn and is doing well so far. I hope that continues, but often men need more help and support than even they realize. So, it would be great for him to look into some of the resources we’ve got for men here at Covenant Eyes. Here’s an article that covers some basic recovery ideas for men. Blocking and filtering software on all devices is an excellent course of action for him, as well.
Secondly, I want to make sure that you are getting the support you need to process the painful incidents you’ve described here. The American Association of Christian Counselors is a great place to look if you want a personal counselor. Groups are also a good place to look for emotional and practical support: Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, xxxChurch.
Please let us know if we can answer any questions, or provide more resources if you need them. Blessings, Kay