Sexual addiction, an umbrella term which includes pornography addiction, is likely the most harmful addiction when it comes to marriages. The reasons for this are numerous and include the shame associated with this addiction for both the addict and the spouse, the sense of betrayal, and stereotypes linked to the addiction.
I specialize in counseling wives of sex addicts, and I often see women who haven’t told anyone about their husband’s addiction, sometimes for months or even years. The lack of support available to spouses, and often inaccurate information being put out about partners of sexual addicts, can cause a wife to suffer additional trauma and feel like she is partially responsible for her husband’s behavior.
Since this is a “process addiction,” versus a chemical addiction, it is so hard for wives to understand. This lack of understanding can cause numerous misconceptions to be held as truths and can postpone healing.
#1: How can my husband love me and look at porn when he knows it hurts me?
It is possible for your husband to love you, even though he is looking at pornography. In fact, the two are completely unrelated. Men are better than women at compartmentalization. A man’s brain can be compared to a waffle. There are many different compartments so that he can divide his life up into separate components that don’t touch each other. His marriage and family can be in one compartment, his job in another…you get the point.
This is a benefit when a man is fighting in a war and able to focus on the task at hand without worrying about his family back home. But it also makes a man able to look at pornography without thinking about how it may hurt you or his marriage. Women’s brains are more like spaghetti where everything is connected. We are more likely to be worrying about our kids when we are at work and thinking about work when we are at home.
When a man becomes addicted to pornography, it can become a perceived need rather than a choice for him until he becomes willing to reach out for help. His use of porn causes a release of the same chemicals involved when a drug is ingested. At the height of his addiction, nothing, not even the risk of losing his job or his marriage, is enough to stop him. This explains how a politician or celebrity can make such risky, career-destroying moves without stopping to consider the consequences.
Later I will discuss the kinds of consequences that can catapult an addict into reality.
#2: Why does my husband prefer porn and masturbation to sex with me?
Norman Doidge, psychiatrist and author of the acclaimed book, The Brain That Changes Itself, studied porn addicts. He stated,
They reported increasing difficulty in being turned on by their actual sexual partners, spouses, or girlfriends, though they still considered them objectively attractive. When I asked if this phenomenon had any relationship to viewing pornography, they answered that it initially helped them get more excited during sex but over time had the opposite effect.
Your husband had this addiction, or the proclivity toward it, before he ever met you, regardless of what he says. In spite of what you think or even what he might have said, nothing you could do could be enough to sexually satisfy your porn addicted spouse.
Pornography presents an unrealistic reality that damages a person’s brain. They become engrossed in this fantasy world where they don’t have to worry about pleasing anyone but themselves and no emotional connection is required.
While a porn addict desperately craves love and intimacy (something he is probably unaware of), he seeks it out in the exact place that will cause him to become less and less able to experience it. As I hear sexual addicts talk about their past, it becomes apparent why they are so uncomfortable with the idea of intimacy. This topic is beyond our scope here, but it is important for a wife to be aware that there is a reason her husband became addicted to porn, and that reason is not her.
Read Part 2 answering these four questions:
Question #3: Why am I not enough if I am sexually available to him?
Question #4: He says he looks at porn because I don’t have sex with him enough, am not pretty enough, am too fat, etc. What can I do?
Question #5: My husband says all men do it. Am I making too big a deal out of this?
Question #6: My husband refuses to get help or admit this is a problem. How can I make him stop? What are the risks if he doesn’t stop?
Thanks for the advice, I just wish he would accept the fact that he has a problem! I am so fed up but don’t know what to do I love him so much but don’t know how to help. I have even went as far as trying *new* things with him just to see if that helps but nope he will wait til I fall asleep and watch porn the rest of the night. I even left him about 5 years ago and when I came back he had promised things would change, well they did, less than a month. The only reason I stayed was because of the kids( worse excuse in the world, I know). I don’t know what to do at all. I feel so dead and miserable all the time, I hate it so much! I cant concentrate at all!
It’s so awful when you want to help and you can’t. He really has to make those choices for himself. I think those feelings of exhaustion and misery are perfectly normal when you’re experiencing this kind of grief in your marriage. I just hope you’ll have enough strength to reach out for help, for a local person who can walk with you through this.
You know, as stuck as you feel in this, that’s how stuck he is, too. You’re the one who sees it, though. You can be the one who makes a move in a healthy direction. If you can’t do anything else today, make that call!
It all sounds good, and I do believe that I need to see someone for myself. As it goes about him, he wont even accept the fact that he has a problem and when I bring it up he gets so defensive. And it seems to be getting worse, I mean yesterday alone he watched it while I was laying down sick and then again last night while I was sleeping. I feel awful looking to see what he is doing and of course I already know before I look and check his computer. I believe so much in privacy but it is so out of hand that I have lost so much respect and dignity form all this. My self-esteem is gone out the window. I have also let him take over financially cause I thought it was the best thing to do but…. as you can imagine it was the worst decision I ever made, I know that nothing will ever change but I just don’t feel I have the courage to leave or the strength to do anything about it.
It is hard to have courage and strength when you’ve already been fighting the battle for so long. I know that for sure! I think that’s why counseling can be so helpful–just getting that support back under you, helping you identify the next small steps, until you find your way forward. It’s so sad and terrible that he’s caught in this right now, but he CAN change! People do recover from this! It’s a ton of long, hard work, though, and meanwhile, you need support in the journey.
My partner and I have been together for 16 years, and for the last 10 years or so he has had a major problem with porn. I have noticed a lot of differences in our relationship, he has a hard time getting and keeping an erection during intercourse and even just foreplay. He still wants to have sex but that’s how it always ends up. We had tried porn as a helper but at his request so we tried it and even though he is still watching it with me that didn’t help so we stopped! Or so I thought. I have discussed it with him on multiple occasions but he just ends up lying and making it like I just want to start an argument, which is not true! He stays up half the night watching it and even caught him watching it first thing in the morning and then complains how tired he is, I stopped feeling sorry for him awhile ago. He had stopped for awhile( I think) but it started right back up and the thing that scares me the most is that it is all skinny teen videos. It is that bad that when my grandmother recently passed away he stayed up the night before her funeral watching it and fell asleep during the funeral. To say the least I was completely devastated and mortified. I felt so disrespected that I haven’t been the same since her funeral. I have tried so many things to save our relationship that I got to the point now I don’t want to try anymore but we got children together and want to work it out somehow just not sure how anymore. I don’t even like going places with him anymore cause he always checking out these young girls and I feel like I could never be good enough for him, I mean come on when you are out with your family, that is just down right disrespectful. I need help big time!!!!
I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. It’s a very sad and scary place to be, I know. By now, you know for sure that it’s not up to what YOU do or don’t do. This is something he will need to deal with for himself. I hope he does! Here’s an article with some ideas for him. And here’s a listing of our top articles for women. I think you might also appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn. I think you’ve probably got some important decisions to make, and I wonder if a personal counselor–for yourself!–might be helpful as you work through where to go from here. Let me know what you think–Kay
Hi, idk what to do about my issue… My boyfriend of 3 years has a problem. He makes me feel as if its normal and I need to grow up because every man does it and why can’t I be “freaky” enough for it. It all started early In our relationship. I never had a problem with porn cuz no guy I was ever with did either. It started with we would have sex then I would wake up in the middle of the night every damn night and he would be either watching it or list done. Any opportunity he would watch it. then I started having problems with it cuz
While I would be giving him a blowjob he would wanna watch porn. I allowed it too. Then it got to the point where if he watched it I would leave him but that never stopped him he was Good at hiding it too I had to put a bunch of psycjo locks and passwords on everything but he would still find ways. So this went on for almost 3 years of me catching him here and there but I always knew he was cuz he’s not sexually attracted to me anymore he acts like he is 100% but it’s not the same. I’m only 21 I’m 110lbs a model and every guy drules over me every where we go at least 1 person comes up to me saying how beautiful I am or something like that and idk why I have this POS bf who don’t look at me like that either he never wants to have sex he always has some excuse n I can always tell after he does it he’s like so cocky like he doesn’t need me its gross. I freaking hate him. So recently I thought to myself like grow up u used to not mind porn so I went and bought some we watched it slept toget her blah blah n it was weird. I’ve been saying u can watch it as long as u tell me about
It before u do it I always thought that’s wht bothered me was that he hid it but tonigjt I was trying to please him and I randomly put it on our laptop and had him take over cuz Idk what to choose and the stuff he chose was disgusting he’s 27 and he was like wanna see my fave and it was a 18 year girl it just grossed me out I got hardcore anxiety and could no longer fake that I enjoyed it cuz I dont! I thought I could heck I thought I might even like it but there’s just to much into it with him the fact that he’s so addicted and not all about
Me and the women he gets off too disgusts me. Idk what to do. I love him so much and he makes me feel like something is wrong with me and maybe I am wrong idk anymore. But we only have sex when he comes to bed at 6am wakes me up and we will do a 10 min quickie which is only if I feel like waking up u know… Like were YOUNG we should be having sex like animals like we used to. It’s not just him that don’t want to its me too I’m sure if he came right now I’d be like no cuz of all the circumstances. I’m totally attracted to him but we don’t put the work in having sex were to lazy we don’t go and rub one another or whatever. I thought by us watching porn together would solve it but it didn’t cuz idk how to use it I guess. Like idk if I should let him watch it everytime we have sex or oral but listen to me it’s all about him what about ME! I will give him a blowjob and he will just roll over and go to sleep and not please me either. Like am I going crazy? I battle with myself in my own freakin head. Should I be ok with him watching porn? If so what’s to much… And when he’s havinf sex with me is it just a cop out to make me think he wants me… I could go on for days about this I hate this why can’t I be with a guy that’s all abour me and only watches it when I don’t give it up for weeks.
Hey Julia, thanks for being so honest and open. This is such a difficult issue to deal with, and I really appreciate your courage.
First of all, let me say that I think you have the right and the responsibility to decide what is okay for you in a relationship. Boundaries in Dating is one of the best books I know that talks about making healthy choices within a dating relationship. Not just about porn, but about all kinds of issues. So I’d start there.
Secondly, about the porn in particular, I think you’re experiencing what a lot of women find. And that is that a porn habit often accelerates and takes on a life of its own. And once that happens, you find that your partner is turning toward porn for intimacy and satisfaction, rather than toward you. And then you have to decide how to deal with that.
Here’s my idea of what it would look like for a guy to manage his pornography issues for himself. But he has to WANT to do that, and be committed to doing it. And–I’ll just warn you–I’ve read (and I think it’s true) that it takes 5 YEARS for a guy to really put the porn habit behind him for good. And that’s if he’s TRYING!
I think the big question at this point is: does he want to stop looking at porn? And if not, what will your boundaries be about that?
Let me know what you think! Kay
Help please. I’m 26 my bf father of my kids is 22. Sex was great at the beginning , after I found out about his porn use now he only can ejaculate quen I give him oral and use my hand at the same time, he can no longer just have sex vaginal sex and come, I think it’s because of his porn use am I wrong?
He tells me he will not do it again and gets mad at me when I fi,d him doing it , but its just a matter of weeks when I discover hos use of porn again. Please help
Hey Leslie. Yeah, a guy who has erectile dysfunction issues at age 22–that sounds like a porn problem in overdrive to me. Really, it’s going to be up to him to deal with the problem. Here’s an article I wrote a while back about what it looks like when a guy takes responsibility for himself. I think the best thing you can do is educate yourself, and decide what your personal boundaries are going to be around this issue. Here’s a listing of our best articles for women. And here’s the link to our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about their own experience and the boundaries they chose in recovery. I’d also suggest some support for you, like Celebrate Recovery or personal counseling. It’s hard to walk through this, and I think you’re going to need support! Look through those things and let me know what you think. Blessings, Kay
This video helped me quit porn for good https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cxy5iWfYaA. Reprograms your mind to not want it
Interesting. I’d love to see what research went into this approach.
How does one leave after 26 years of marriage? I have lived with porn long enough and just disgusted and fed up !!!! But when I attempt to discuss with the husband he says that he does not have a problem, it is all me b/c I don’t approach him in the bedroom. Let me ask all the ladies, how do you approach your husband knowing he has been looking at porn during the day and masturbating? It is nearly impossible to do. Any advise or comments appreciated.
Oh, that’s so hard. And so sad. You’re right–the pornography takes the emotional intimacy right out of the marriage, as the addict turns away from the relationship and toward the porn. You might appreciate reading our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about the boundaries they drew in their relationships. And you might also appreciate the book, Boundaries in Marriage, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I’d also recommend some local support, maybe a counselor (search for someone in your area at American Association of Christian Counselors) or a support group like Pure Desire or Celebrate Recovery–or even Divorce Care, if you need that in the future. Let us know if that helps at all, and if you have further questions. Blessings, Kay
my boyfriend has always looked at porn. at the beginning of the relationship it didn’t bother me. but over the past few years its gotten pretty intense. hes downloading porn everyday hes got about 15,000 photos/videos on his phone currently. that’s not counting all the porn on separate hard drives. he still wants sex from me but its hard for me knowing he looks at that all day long. ive told him our relationship is at stake with his addiction and he chooses his porn over me everytime no hesitation. I love him but all this porn is emotionally damaging…don’t know what to do
I’m so sorry, Samantha. I think the terrible thing with porn addiction is that relationships get broken as the addict repeatedly chooses to turn away to the addiction. It’s so heart-breaking. I do think guys can recover from porn addiction, but they have to be willing to do the work. If that’s not the case, and if you’re uncomfortable with what’s going on, then I think you have to consider what your boundaries need to be. It’s so hard to make those choices when you do love him!
You might need to get some support for yourself in this, maybe a group like Celebrate Recovery or individual counseling, as you think through what you want to do. The American Association of Christian Counselors is a good place to look for a counselor in your area.
And I don’t know how much you’ve read through things here on the blog? Here’s an article Luke put together recently that’s kind of a catalog of some of our most popular pieces for partners. And we have a free download called Hope After Porn where several women tell their stories of recovery in relationships. Most of our relationship stuff is about marriage here, but hopefully you’ll get the gist anyway!
Let me know if that helps, and if you have more questions. Blessings to you, Kay
Continued from previous comment… I’m also guilt ridden because I know we are not even supposed to be having sex, we are not married..nor can we be, with this issue. .
I want to start off by saying this site had been such a great help to me. I thank everyone for sharing their stories, it helps to know I’m not alone. I’m not married but I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years now. I found out about his porn use early on, he admitted it. Since then, it’s been a rocky road. I have left him many times because in my heart i know this is something I cannot accept. I was really going through it one night and I posted something on here to which Luke responded to. He gave me great advice told me I Also needed help. At first i thought, Me? I’m not the one doing anything! But i took his advice, I started going to meetings and seeing a therapist. I found out that I’m co-dependent. That’s a big part of why I was trying to change him, instead of making a decision that was best for me. Wow! Have found out so much about myself and why I was accepting his behavior. I learned I CANNOT change anyone nor should I be trying to. So, I left him. Again. Two months went by and because of my co-dependent attachment to him, I was miserable. But I faithfully kept attending meetings, and seeing my therapist. But then….I had a weak moment..I called him. He quickly came over and said he also missed me terribly and was going to get help. I believed him. Here we are months later, and except for two meetings he attended at a church, to which he showed up late for, he has yet to seek any help. I asked him last night if he has watched it and he said yes. But what I really resent, is that he says is my fault! Not in so many words, but he says he likes rough sex and that’s why he can’t have an climax with me. Quite naturally, I was upset. I’ve read much about porn and I know it can cause a man to have these issues, to where he can’t perform. I have never had an issue like this and have never met a man who has. I have told him porn can have this effect… But I guess because of denial he won’t accept it. I said it’s been three years and you have not even gotten close and he actually said, because I haven’t gotten him there. I’m going to go back to my meeting because I stopped going altogether. I know I need the support of women who understand and have been there. I have a girlfriend who thinks it’s not such a big deal, because “He’s such a great Guy” she had no idea of the hurt and trust issues involved..
Hey Maria, I’m glad you’ve found support here and it’s great to know that Luke’s advice to seek help for yourself was good for you! You know what they say in 12-step groups, right: relapse is part of recovery? It sounds to me like you’ve had a relapse here, but you’ve also got a plan in place for your recovery. You shouldn’t have to have “rough sex” or do anything that makes you uncomfortable in order to keep this relationship–I’m sure you know that already. So yeah, get back with your support group and keep getting stronger. Blessings, Kay