Sexual addiction, an umbrella term which includes pornography addiction, is likely the most harmful addiction when it comes to marriages. The reasons for this are numerous and include the shame associated with this addiction for both the addict and the spouse, the sense of betrayal, and stereotypes linked to the addiction.
I specialize in counseling wives of sex addicts, and I often see women who haven’t told anyone about their husband’s addiction, sometimes for months or even years. The lack of support available to spouses, and often inaccurate information being put out about partners of sexual addicts, can cause a wife to suffer additional trauma and feel like she is partially responsible for her husband’s behavior.
Since this is a “process addiction,” versus a chemical addiction, it is so hard for wives to understand. This lack of understanding can cause numerous misconceptions to be held as truths and can postpone healing.
#1: How can my husband love me and look at porn when he knows it hurts me?
It is possible for your husband to love you, even though he is looking at pornography. In fact, the two are completely unrelated. Men are better than women at compartmentalization. A man’s brain can be compared to a waffle. There are many different compartments so that he can divide his life up into separate components that don’t touch each other. His marriage and family can be in one compartment, his job in another…you get the point.
This is a benefit when a man is fighting in a war and able to focus on the task at hand without worrying about his family back home. But it also makes a man able to look at pornography without thinking about how it may hurt you or his marriage. Women’s brains are more like spaghetti where everything is connected. We are more likely to be worrying about our kids when we are at work and thinking about work when we are at home.
When a man becomes addicted to pornography, it can become a perceived need rather than a choice for him until he becomes willing to reach out for help. His use of porn causes a release of the same chemicals involved when a drug is ingested. At the height of his addiction, nothing, not even the risk of losing his job or his marriage, is enough to stop him. This explains how a politician or celebrity can make such risky, career-destroying moves without stopping to consider the consequences.
Later I will discuss the kinds of consequences that can catapult an addict into reality.
#2: Why does my husband prefer porn and masturbation to sex with me?
Norman Doidge, psychiatrist and author of the acclaimed book, The Brain That Changes Itself, studied porn addicts. He stated,
They reported increasing difficulty in being turned on by their actual sexual partners, spouses, or girlfriends, though they still considered them objectively attractive. When I asked if this phenomenon had any relationship to viewing pornography, they answered that it initially helped them get more excited during sex but over time had the opposite effect.
Your husband had this addiction, or the proclivity toward it, before he ever met you, regardless of what he says. In spite of what you think or even what he might have said, nothing you could do could be enough to sexually satisfy your porn addicted spouse.
Pornography presents an unrealistic reality that damages a person’s brain. They become engrossed in this fantasy world where they don’t have to worry about pleasing anyone but themselves and no emotional connection is required.
While a porn addict desperately craves love and intimacy (something he is probably unaware of), he seeks it out in the exact place that will cause him to become less and less able to experience it. As I hear sexual addicts talk about their past, it becomes apparent why they are so uncomfortable with the idea of intimacy. This topic is beyond our scope here, but it is important for a wife to be aware that there is a reason her husband became addicted to porn, and that reason is not her.
Read Part 2 answering these four questions:
Question #3: Why am I not enough if I am sexually available to him?
Question #4: He says he looks at porn because I don’t have sex with him enough, am not pretty enough, am too fat, etc. What can I do?
Question #5: My husband says all men do it. Am I making too big a deal out of this?
Question #6: My husband refuses to get help or admit this is a problem. How can I make him stop? What are the risks if he doesn’t stop?
Thank you Kay. I downloaded all the ebooks last night. I definitely am on a long road with this and certainly want to help his the best I can, I have broached this subject with him before which didn’t go over well. We do have a therapist and I think I will discuss this with him as well at the next appointment. But it is time for tough love! If he can’t plan boundaries then it will be tough decision for my sanity and wellbeing of me and my kids. I’m tired of our daughter hearing and seeing the fighting
“Courage, Dear Heart.”–C. S. Lewis
Blessings and prayers to you today, Kay
I’m so glad I found this site! I was really starting to totally question myself in my relationship. Me and my commonlaw husband have been together for 8 years we have 2 beautiful children. I always knew about the occasional video or magazine which I assumed was normal male behaviour. But over the years it has been progressively worse to the point that I feel sad, worthless, distrust, disgust at times also. With our first daughter he stopped having intimacy with me and when I asked him about even a little too hormonally I was called crazy. I then started searching…. I have over the years found hookup/dating profiles secret email accounts wen a fake facebook account full of random women and porn stars as he was getting tired of me being upset on comments he made on actresses photos and this was kept up for over a year until I found out. I have not always been unhappy as he is a good man and good dad and attentive when he wants to be. But he also deflects his shame on himself to me by constantly accusing me of cheating or being an escort which I have done nothing but be a devoted wife. It has been the hardest over the last six months as he had some sort of emotional breakdown, he quit his job, stays up all night, sets alarms through the night because he thinks I sneak out at night. Which is ridiculous because other than work which is only part time I am always with him and our kids. I just am so unsure how supportive I can be much longer I do love him more than anything in the world but what about me? He constantly asks me what he can do to make
Me better and when I say get rid of the porn and porn stars on your facebook its me being controlling, over doing it. I’m so lost please send me tell me am I crazy and overdoing it? Even when I say I don’t want to tell him what will bring me peace of mind because it is him that has to change I can’t fix it for him. Can he really ever change or is it doomed? Is it so unrealistic that I feel so betrayed and hurt and that I classify it like cheating just not with the physicality? There is much more to write just would be too long winded…
Hey Tara. Wow. What a tough situation to be in! I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve been experiencing for so long. I think you’re absolutely right in saying that you can’t fix this for him. He has to do that for himself. I absolutely do think that people can change! But there’s a lot of work involved, and the person who has the addiction has to do the work.
I don’t think it’s unrealistic to be hurt by this, at all. With a porn addiction, the addict is turning their attention away from real relationship, and toward all the fake intimacy of porn. That’s what you experience, when you ask him to stop paying attention to actresses and porn stars and pay attention to you, and he refuses. He’s choosing this other fantasy life. That’s not just sad for you–it’s sad for him, too, because he’s missing out on the real thing right in front of him.
Having boundaries about what belongs and doesn’t belong in your marriage is a healthy thing. And generally it’s great if a couple can decide that together. But with porn addiction, you’re not a part of the conversation. Stuff is getting into your marriage and making a mess and you’re being asked to just be quiet about it. I don’t know if you’ve see our free download, Hope After Porn? It’s stories by several women who had to make tough choices in their marriages. It might help you think through your options.
Also, let me give you this link to some of our most popular content for women.
Have a look through some of that, and let me know what you think.
Blessings,
Kay
I need advice. I believe my father is addicted to porn, and he has been caught three times now by my mother. He also has a stash of panties, and after promising that he threw them all away,(after being caught again last time), I found several tonight while getting bags from a closet. I don’t know what to do, as my mother has flat out told him she would divorce him if she caught him again. I don’t want to be the cause of my parents divorce, but I can’t stand the fact that he is lying to her, and will end up hurting her again if she finds out. What do I do? Tell her, or live with the fact that I know he is a damned liar.
That’s a tough one, Lynne. I don’t think there’s one sure-fire good answer that will fix this, just tough choices. You’ve laid it some options here: you can tell her, and she chooses what she’ll do with that, or you can keep quiet about it and let things take their course. I notice you didn’t list the option of talking to him about it, which would be another option. Again, I don’t think there’s a fixit answer!
I will say that if you choose to talk to your mom about this, you wouldn’t be causing your parents’ divorce. What happens in their relationship is up to your dad’s choices about his behavior and your mom’s choices about her boundaries. Their relationship, their responsibility.
Praying for you! Kay
Ronald,
You made a comment about being rejected but if you look back that is exactly what you did to your wife all the years you chose the porn over your wife. She is dealing with a lot of emotions herself and has been for probably several years. I can guarantee you that she is dealing with feelings of self worth, loneliness, feelings of “not being good enough” , not feeling wanted, disgust and finally resentment. All of these emotions stem from the porn addiction. I don’t mean to sound harsh either, but this is the reality of this addiction. It will take time for the BOTH of you to heal and get past this. I wish you all the best in your healing.
Hi Jane,
I did as I was instructed and I stop asking or expecting sex and try to see my wife with different eyes and perspective and it has definitely helped. After just a week I have seen change in attitude and responsiveness. I don’t know why I waited this long or how I was not getting the message until some one had to spell it out for me in a way.
It is not easy to “just stop” it takes a different set of mind and heart to do so but it is possible.
I just wanted to share my outcome for those who are struggling with this issue and don’t seem to be able to find the way out and when you think you “need” sex to survive. You don’t.
I look forward to continue to repair the damage that has been done and that I am able to open my eyes and see other areas in which I am acting in a similar way but that shouldn’t.
Hi Kay,
It hurts me to hear how selfish I am but I thank you for your honesty. I heard similar words from my wife as well and all I can say is that I didn’t know how bad I need help. I don’t want to push my wife away so far that not only sex is not involved but that we don’t have a relationship. We did practice abstinence for about 2 months a while back and it helped a lot. I really don’t want to do that again.
In a way I believe not only the sex industry but in general I hear women say “if he only treated me well, if he helped around the house, if he told me that he loves me…” And that is confusing, since it goes beyond that. It has to be done with the right heart and I don’t know how. I am willing since I am doing it some of those things but I am not doing it right or with the right heart.
I just bought a book “loving your wife like Jesus loves the church”. Are there any similar books that you can recommend?
Also thank you for the link to SA, I never thought I would have to look for a group like that but after 30 years of addiction I don’t think I even know what a real man is like.
Ronald,
I have an idea…..why don’t you STOP asking your wife for sex. That is a huge turnoff and you will get no where. How about treating your wife like the lady that she is. Help with dishes after dinner and when you two go to sit and watch tv, try caressing her on her back or rub her feet or a hand massage or brush her hair. The worst thing you can do ( other than porn and masturbation ) is ASK or BEG for sex.
Hi Jane,
Thanks for your reminder, I do some of those things when I am allowed. Meaning that our relationship is at a state where even touching is at a minimal to her request not mine. There are other items that I do on a daily basis besides the dishes to help aliviate her burden. I also don’t want you to think that I just flat out say “let’s have sex now”, I try to make it a game and something fun (at least in my mind).
I am expressing what I do in detail not to say “see? I think I am doing something right” but rather to express what some men like me are going thru.
I was addicted for many years, I am trying to fix things and I am realizing I am at it on the wrong way as many out there who just want to “fix” things.
I don’t want at enemy at my home, I am sorry for what I did and I am trying to change by doing things that I have read that are supposed to help marriages. All I was asking was to have some sex and not just as a means of a release but as a demonstration of love and acceptance. Being rejected for sex for some men goes beyond the limited access to one’s parter, it means not acceptance of who you are which in a way also terrifies me. If we are not the person who can be accepted then maybe some one else may be and that is another subject on its own.
I understand that I don’t need sex to live as we need air to breath and if that is the only way to “fix” things then by all means I will go that route and wait until I am once accepted fully and hopefully understood.
Sometimes I ask myself why we are so different in that department and if ever a couple comes to a full agreement. I am sure many do and one of them will have to eventually give in and live by the rules of the other.
Sorry if I sound harsh on my comments. I am rather depressed right now.
I am in the opposite situation to most talked through the comments so I hope some women (or men) can help me how to move forward.
I was caught about 6 months ago watching porn and masturbating. I stop since then and things have been a lot better in our home however one of the things that we struggle with is my wife’s desire and availability to have sex.
Some weeks we would have sex three times some times one or none.
This inconstancy is killing me, I try to tell my wife how beautiful she is and how attractive she is to me however that seems to make her feel bad and put her off. We even have had conversations about me taking up masturbation again so that I am not looking for her for sex all the time. Personally since I stopped I want nothing to do with masturbation or pornography since my wife fulfill all my needs something I took for granted before.
I don’t want to bother her constantly about sex so I have considered as well, just last night we were talking about how bad I get when I beg for sex which I am going to be hones but I have asked to have sex for 4 days now and I agree it is begging.
I have tried to change who I am, being cooperative at home, listen more, read more about how to make our marriage better, pray…
Is there hope for me? Will I be the guy who would always beg for sex until it drives both of us crazy?
I love my wife and the fact that I am hurting her with my sexual desires doesn’t make me feel like I am the man I should be. To put into perspective how bad I was at one point. I would masturbate in the morning, afternoon, and then have sex with my wife at night. All that is gone and now I am relying on when my wife is available. Is it unfair for me to ask of my wife to have sex more often than she desires? Is it ok for me to use masturbation while we go through this period in our lives? If you are a woman what could I do to ensure I have given up everything I used to do for you and that rejection affects me?
Ronald, I really appreciate your honesty here and your willingness to speak up about what’s going on in your process. Here’s what hits me, though, as I read this, and I’m going to be brutally honest: THIS IS ALL ABOUT YOU. What YOU want, what YOU need. Telling your wife how beautiful she is, and being cooperative around the house, is all about YOU getting what you want: more sex. I don’t read any empathy or understanding for your wife as a person and a partner in your relationship. She seems to be just an outlet for your sexual needs, and what she wants, needs, or feels doesn’t seem to matter to you much at all.
This is exactly how the sex industry treats women: as a commodity. Marriage is not a commodity exchange. It’s a relationship with another person.
Here’s the goal to work toward: a real relationship with your wife, not just an exchange of nice behavior in return for sex.
As a counselor, this reads to me like you’re very addicted to your sexual behaviors. I think Sex Addicts Anonymous could be a very helpful place for you to work through your own responsibility for your sexuality, rather than expecting your wife to take care of this for you.
Blessings on your journey, Kay
Reading your stories I feel like so many of you are me. I have been with my Husband for over 9 years. We have kids. His use of porn has made a huge impacted on our marriage. He refuses to admit that he has a problem. Over the years technology has advanced. With that his addiction has grown. In the beginning we had sex a lot. Then slowly over the it declined. Then a few years ago sex pretty much was the last thing he wanted. I have a high sex drive so this is a major problem sexually. I have begged for sex. I have dressed up. I have talked to him about fantasies. I have literally done anything and everything to get him to want me. at least for the first few years of the i don’t want sex don’t touch me. I put an internet tracking device on his phone. I did this so I would know if porn was the real issue. He drives truck (truck driver) so he has all the privacy he needs. I learned that the situation was a lot worse then I thought. I learned that he was not only watching porn but also listening to audio porn where stories are read. I learned that porn had consumed his life. He was leaving the house where I was willing and begging for sex. He would leave and within minutes be on porn sites. at the time i put the internet tracking device on his phone i put gps call text you name it if he did it on the phone i knew. Gps showed that after leaving the house about 35 to 45 minutes later he would stop. I would then access the speaker on his phone and turn his phone into a listening device so I soon discovered he was a compulsively masturbating.He was even stopping two minutes from our house on his way home to again watch porn and masturbate. He always told me he didn’t have a sex drive. Then I asked my self how can he not have a sex drive but have a masturbation drive. Also the things he was watching freaked me out. his history showed that he mostly watched incest videos. mother daughter, brother sister, mom son, aunt cousins any any every combination you can think of. any the history showed that that was the search he was typing in. then the other shocker was gay porn men on men. lets just put it this way he is still doing all that stuff. when i confronted him he said it is normal when people have been together as long as we have that what they do. He has blamed m. He has never admitted that he has a problem. So now we are going through a divorce. also when we did have sex it was only when porn was involved meaning he laid next to me and watched it on his phone. (never gay or incest) or porn was on the tv. During these years i battled a lot with depression I gained a lot of weight because i stopped caring then I lost the weight when he still didn’t touch me I fell into a deep depression a gained a lot of weight. I felt ugly unattractive fat i felt that it didn’t matter what i tried what i wore i was to ugly nothing would help i felt that i was so unattractive that he had to have the porn because I wasn’t good enough. I blamed myself.When I looked in the mirror I never saw beauty. People have always told me I was beautiful and strange men have always payed attention to me. but none of that mattered because the man at home never cared. and now that i’m not living that life any longer. I have started taking care of me mentally and physically. I have vowed to never let another man ever control my life in that way. Yes i’m single now. But i’m still having as much sex now as I was married which is none. But that is okay with me. because I know that the world is full of possibilities now. I look in the mirror now and I see beauty I see the woman I haven’t acknowledged in years. I see me for who i am.I have joined a gym and that has made a large difference its a great way to relieve stress. I know for me leaving was the only option. And now I’m happy and full of life.
Patricia, I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve suffered through, and the terrible disappointments. I’m sorry that your ex’s choices had such devastating consequences for you. And I’m sorry that he couldn’t see what was happening and work on his issues. It sounds like he’s on a dangerous path. It’s sad when leaving is your only option, but I’m glad you were able to make that choice for yourself. I hope that being out of that toxic situation, you’ll continue to heal and grow. If you ever find yourself in need of more help and support, know that there are groups available throughout the country, like Divorce Care, and also counselors available through the American Association of Christian Counselors. Blessings on your journey of healing! Kay
Your story is my life…which is sad. But I would love to know the tracking device that you used to put on his phone. I am desperate for hard evidence because like you my husband blames ME. Thank you so much.
Hey Jane, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I wonder if some of the stories in Hope After Porn might be helpful to you, as you consider a way forward? I hope you have a local support system, like family, friends, or maybe a group like Celebrate Recovery? I think it’s so healing to have other people to help you through hard times. Blessings on your journey, Kay
Here are lots of testimonials about the GREAT benefits of quitting porn and masturbation, this is a MUST-READ : http://www.reuniting.info/download/pdf/0.BENEFITS.pdf
After reading all these comments of what other women our going through, it is giving me some form of relief, that there are other women out there, who see how disgusting and not normal porn is. Porn is just an unacceptable thing to me.
I’ve been with my partner for 8 years. I first discovered him looking at pornographic sites on his computer at work, one month after our child was born. I was completely taken by surprise. When I confronted him, his reaction firstly was ‘boys will be boys’, and he was just having a laugh with the guys. When he realised how serious and unacceptable this was to be, he made the excuse that he was given a new hard drive at work and he came across a lot of porn and was curious. This almost destroyed our relationship, but he swore to me, he would never look at anything like that again. I decided to forgive him. This caused a lot of distrust in our relationship over the next year or two. Over the months, I would find post it notes with porn sites he had hand written, or business cards for sexual parties. I confronted him, and he always had such good excuses. During our first year we had great sex, all the time, even during pregnancy. Obviously from 7 months, I was too big, and we stopped having sex for a while.
Within 3 months of our son being born, we had lots of great sex, even more experimental than our first year. Then there came a point where sex was getting uncomfortable for me. I took the contraceptive pill for 14 months, after our son was born. My body went downhill after taking this. I was still horny but, sometimes it would be so painful and other times it would be fine. Over the next year or two, our sex life was very up and down. Sometimes it would be explosive and adventurous and other times, we would not have sex for weeks on end. My sexual libido slowly started to die. 4 years ago, I discovered I was suffering from an illness, which was the root to my low libido, vaginal dryness, tiredness etc. I soon discovered he had been looking, at porn sites again. For how long he had been doing this, I have no idea. I was over the searching his pockets, computer etc. I had begun to trust him again. Finding this out left me completely distraught, I had previously told him I would never forgive him, if he did anything like this again. As I loved him so much, and so wanted to believe he would stop, I forgave him again. He again promised me he would never ever look at porn again. After hiding the laptop from him every day, and occasionally checking his phone and pockets, and questioning him. It took me a year to finally feel normal again and stop doing these things. Time went by, our sex life was not great. It was still on and off.
Then last year, I discovered again he’d been looking at obscene videos. Random videos, of people doing it in public, obscene, disturbing material. This time, I was even more in shock, as I felt like I really knew him, after 7 years. Boy was I wrong.
Yesterday, I found out he has been viewing lesbian porn movies on a phone, which he no longer uses, and keeps switched off in his draw. This time round, I feel absolutely lost. Firstly, because, I really thought we were over those chapters. I feel distraught, as he is living a secret life behind my back, and he is seriously lying to me. When I question him, he still continued to lie to me, even though I’m giving him the chance to tell me everything. I don’t know if it’s the disrespect that hurts me most, as he knows how against porn I am. Or is it the lies, or the secrets. Or am I just hurting because he tells me, he only has eyes for me. Yet he is mentally cheating on me. I trust that he has not physically cheated on me over the years, but to me, getting your rocks off (letting go of his frustrations) to other women doing degrading things, is cheating in my eyes. I feel numb this time around. I’m confused, if I can continue my life with him. I love him, I can’t imagine my life without him, but I can’t put up with this. How often he does it, I really don’t know, but whether its 4 or 40 times, there is a problem there. How will I ever trust him ever again. How will I ever look at him the same way again. By me forgiving him again, am I setting myself up for a life of this. This has left me at a crossroads, and I’m stuck, not knowing which way to turn!
Hi Carla, thanks for sharing all this. Wow, what a roller coaster of pain you’ve been on. And it sounds like your husband is on a roller coaster of his own, too. He has a lot of work to do, if he wants to get off the addiction ride. I don’t know what steps he might have taken in the past, but here’s an article you could pass along with some ideas for him, if he’s willing to consider them. He might benefit from a Sex Addicts Anonymous group, as well.
Have you seen our free download, Hope After Porn? It’s the stories of four different women and the choices they made in their marriages, on the road to healing. One of the things these four stories all have in common is the idea of boundaries.
Just like you’re discovering, loving and forgiving are just not enough sometimes, and trusting someone who isn’t trustworthy yet is not a great idea! I wrote an article recently about boundaries in dating, but I think it applies to any relationship. You have to know that he’s doing his part before you can consider trusting him again.
I think that if you just “forgive” without any accountability on his part, and no boundaries on your part then yes, you’re setting yourself up for a life of this. There isn’t one right thing to do next. Just hard choices to consider. I hope that Hope After Porn helps you feel less alone as you make those courageous choices!
Blessings and peace–Kay