Sexual addiction, an umbrella term which includes pornography addiction, is likely the most harmful addiction when it comes to marriages. The reasons for this are numerous and include the shame associated with this addiction for both the addict and the spouse, the sense of betrayal, and stereotypes linked to the addiction.
I specialize in counseling wives of sex addicts, and I often see women who haven’t told anyone about their husband’s addiction, sometimes for months or even years. The lack of support available to spouses, and often inaccurate information being put out about partners of sexual addicts, can cause a wife to suffer additional trauma and feel like she is partially responsible for her husband’s behavior.
Since this is a “process addiction,” versus a chemical addiction, it is so hard for wives to understand. This lack of understanding can cause numerous misconceptions to be held as truths and can postpone healing.
#1: How can my husband love me and look at porn when he knows it hurts me?
It is possible for your husband to love you, even though he is looking at pornography. In fact, the two are completely unrelated. Men are better than women at compartmentalization. A man’s brain can be compared to a waffle. There are many different compartments so that he can divide his life up into separate components that don’t touch each other. His marriage and family can be in one compartment, his job in another…you get the point.
This is a benefit when a man is fighting in a war and able to focus on the task at hand without worrying about his family back home. But it also makes a man able to look at pornography without thinking about how it may hurt you or his marriage. Women’s brains are more like spaghetti where everything is connected. We are more likely to be worrying about our kids when we are at work and thinking about work when we are at home.
When a man becomes addicted to pornography, it can become a perceived need rather than a choice for him until he becomes willing to reach out for help. His use of porn causes a release of the same chemicals involved when a drug is ingested. At the height of his addiction, nothing, not even the risk of losing his job or his marriage, is enough to stop him. This explains how a politician or celebrity can make such risky, career-destroying moves without stopping to consider the consequences.
Later I will discuss the kinds of consequences that can catapult an addict into reality.
#2: Why does my husband prefer porn and masturbation to sex with me?
Norman Doidge, psychiatrist and author of the acclaimed book, The Brain That Changes Itself, studied porn addicts. He stated,
They reported increasing difficulty in being turned on by their actual sexual partners, spouses, or girlfriends, though they still considered them objectively attractive. When I asked if this phenomenon had any relationship to viewing pornography, they answered that it initially helped them get more excited during sex but over time had the opposite effect.
Your husband had this addiction, or the proclivity toward it, before he ever met you, regardless of what he says. In spite of what you think or even what he might have said, nothing you could do could be enough to sexually satisfy your porn addicted spouse.
Pornography presents an unrealistic reality that damages a person’s brain. They become engrossed in this fantasy world where they don’t have to worry about pleasing anyone but themselves and no emotional connection is required.
While a porn addict desperately craves love and intimacy (something he is probably unaware of), he seeks it out in the exact place that will cause him to become less and less able to experience it. As I hear sexual addicts talk about their past, it becomes apparent why they are so uncomfortable with the idea of intimacy. This topic is beyond our scope here, but it is important for a wife to be aware that there is a reason her husband became addicted to porn, and that reason is not her.
Read Part 2 answering these four questions:
Question #3: Why am I not enough if I am sexually available to him?
Question #4: He says he looks at porn because I don’t have sex with him enough, am not pretty enough, am too fat, etc. What can I do?
Question #5: My husband says all men do it. Am I making too big a deal out of this?
Question #6: My husband refuses to get help or admit this is a problem. How can I make him stop? What are the risks if he doesn’t stop?
Even if my husband is already under an online porn addiction therapy program called GreatnessAhead I still find this article very enlightening and informational. I’ve been seeing the improvements in controlling his urges as well as his intimacy but everytime I contemplate on the things that have happened, especially when we were still starting to battle with his addiction, I’ve realized that it was the greatest ordeal of my life. I believe that support and utmost understanding, as well as getting equipped with porn addiction knowledge will definitely help. Thanks for this article, helpful to me and to those who are putting their gamefaces on to fight porn addiction! :)
Hey Brittany, I’m so glad this helps! And you’re right, this is a huge ordeal for women in marriage these days. In fact, a lot of women fit the criteria for PTSD when they’re dealing with this. Having said that, I hope you’re getting all the support you need in this battle? People around you who can love you and walk you through? I’m just asking because I think that, even though this is so incredibly common, it can still be very difficult to talk about. We still seem to have a lot of silence and stigma around it. So, I’m glad your husband is getting help and getting better. I just want to make sure that you are, too. If you ever think you need someone to talk to, and there doesn’t seem to be that person in your life, I’d recommend checking at the American Association of Christian Counselors for a therapist in your area. Blessings on your journey–Kay
I have been married for 10 years now and have battled porn addiction the whole time. I feel terrible how it has made my wife feel. I literally feel ashamed and worthless after I watch it. I was exposed to sex at a very young age and I think it has really hampered my ability to truly connect during sex. I basically use my wife like a sex doll. We have now not had sex in 5 years and to be honest with you I think I would be too ashamed and embarrassed to go through with it even though she keeps making mention that she wants to start having sex again. It has totally destroyed my life and my chances of a life of a loving relationship I am almost in tears as I write this. I almost want my wife to find someone that can make her happy and I this addiction has even gotten to the point that I have contemplated suicide so that I can just let her move on. It’s heartbreaking to read about what you are all going through since I am putting my gorgeous wife through the same thing. I am almost in tears as I write this.
Hey Clem. I’m a counselor, so let me give you just a bit of feedback on your post here.
IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU.
You feel terrible, you feel ashamed and worthless, you’re too embarrassed to have sex even though she wants to, it’s destroyed your life, you’re almost in tears.
And that self-focus is not surprising, given what we know about how pornography addiction impacts the brain. You view porn a whole bunch, and this is what happens: it’s all about you.
Here’s what can happen when you stop spending all your time in the self-indulgent pursuit of porn and start living like a real, connected person again: your brain can heal.
It will take time, for sure. And that whole time you’ve got to stop focusing on yourself, and instead lay down your life for your wife and for the relationship. Invite her to talk about how this has impacted her, and just listen. Don’t talk about how bad you feel. Just listen to her. Pay attention to her ALL THE TIME, not just around sex. Think about what she needs, what she wants, how she feels.
As much time and attention as you’ve paid to porn throughout the course of your marriage, PAY THAT MUCH TIME AND ATTENTION TO YOUR WIFE. And see if the healing can begin.
I married my long time boyfriend two months ago. We are both in our twenties, in shape, happy, and our sex was great. It’s has never been slow, we’ve never had dry spells. This is why I was shocked to find out about his porn addiction only a few days ago. The worst part is, it’s not just porn, it’s sleezy hook up sites. He swears he only uses the sites for pictures, but with porn being so readily available and free, why go to a dating site for it? We have no children, no joint ownership of anything, and I’m wanting to leave because I’m worried it will never get better. He is already getting help (talking with his pastor, signing up for support groups, making appointments with a therapist) but I’m worried that it will all go back to normal. What quality of marriage will I have when suspicion is always lurking in my mind? How can I know he’s home alone and trust that he isn’t masturbating to other women? How can I compete with the kind of dirty things he finds online? Do I stand strong and suffer through it or cut ties and run like my hair is on fire? Somebody, please help.
Hey Meredith, I’m really glad you wrote in. First of all, I want to tell you that pornography addiction does not have to be the end of your marriage. He absolutely CAN get better, and he absolutely CAN be trustworthy again. That’s going to be up to him in large part, what he does, how he takes responsibility. What you’re telling me about his choices right now sounds really, really good. Pretty much right on the money for a best-case scenario, honestly.
If he hasn’t already, he needs to sign up for Covenant Eyes monitoring software and get some accountability partners. That will really help put your mind at ease as to what’s going on when you’re not right there looking over his shoulder. It will also give him some much-needed support to keep up his good intentions.
Here’s the thing: you can trust him when he is trustworthy. If he does the work, it’s okay to trust him again. That will take time! It will take time for him to show you he is trustworthy, and it will take time for you to understand what he’s doing, and feel safe again. But it can happen. It can. Here’s an article I wrote just a few weeks ago in response to someone in fairly similar circumstances to yours. The headline is about dating, but I think it might fit.
I would be really hesitant to run with the hair on fire at this point, honestly. Here’s the sad truth: pornography use is, unfortunately, so very, very common. I think as women we are just not well prepared to deal with it, but deal with it we must. It’s our reality now. Guys have to learn how to handle this–and SO DO WE.
My husband was addicted to porn for several years, and my reaction was much like yours: widespread panic. But–he wanted to get well. So he did. And both of us will tell you that our marriage is much better now, after dealing with this together, than it was before pornography ever happened to us. Very weird, I know, but God does things like that. I’ve written about that here on Covenant Eyes, but I also have my own blog and I just released a memoir this week.
I hope some of that might be helpful to you. Let me know what else I can do for you. Blessings, Kay
So what do you do when internet porn is not the only thing being looked at? How are you supposed to monitor magazines? They are easily purchased with cash and then can be hidden or even thrown out. This has been an issue in my marriage.
Oh, good question, Nancy. I think maybe this is a broader question of boundaries. Here’s an article that explains more about boundaries. The reality is, we just can’t control everything, and it’s not even our job to be in control of our husband’s choices. It’s really HIS choice to be in charge of his own recovery. If he’s not willing to make good choices, then we’re left having to decide what we’ll do in response: what will our boundaries be? That’s a very personal line to draw, and women make all sorts of choices about that. One of our most popular (free!) downloads is Hope After Porn, and one of the things I really like about that book is that it describes how different women handled their own boundary choices. Let me know what you think! Kay
I have been married for 31 years. Rough marriage. Was beaten for the first 15 yrs on and off. He stopped that completely, so I stayed. A few years ago, he had an emotional affair online. Even planning the meeting place, then I saw it online and he felt bad but blamed me for the cheating. Long story short, I found out a few months ago he is looking at porn on the computer. We have a teenage boy in the house too. He told me to get a porn blocker on the computer and it would all stop. The blocker trial ran out and that very day he was on it again. He keeps telling me he knows it is wrong but does not want to go to counseling. He is angry all the time and yells at us constantly. He blames me for the porn cause I dont want much sex with him. Its hard to have sex with a man who has cheated with another woman and now is cheating with strangers online. He told me he has looked at porn since he was a teenager. I dont want to leave him, but Im at the end of my rope. He wont read any books, go to counseling, or talk to our preacher at church.
Wow, Marcia. You’ve really been through some hard stuff, and you’ve persevered through terrible things. I’m so, so sorry. It’s very sad when you come to that place of being out of options in your marriage. I agree it sounds like he’s not ready to make changes at this point, and that leaves you with some really tough choices to make. I wish I could tell you that if you made certain choices, that would FOR SURE get his attention and set him on the path to recovery, but it sounds like you’ve tried everything and then some.
Marcia, it really is good and healthy to have boundaries. A lot of women do find themselves at that final boundary of leaving. It’s not what any of us want, but that’s where we find ourselves sometimes. Sometimes leaving does provide the addict with motivation to change. Sometimes it doesn’t. We all wish for happy endings, but I know you know that we don’t always get them.
We’ve got a really popular free download called Hope After Porn. It’s the story of four different women and the boundaries they set along with way to recovery with their husbands. All those stories result in the reconciliation of the marriages, but along the way, nobody knew what would happen.
As I just look at all the things you’ve talked about here: the physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse–I just have to ask, do you have any local support in this? A counselor? A group? Who’s helping you through? We recommend the American Association of Christian Counselors as a place to search for a therapist in your area. However, a lot of people find help in groups like Celebrate Recovery–and if it comes down to it, Divorce Care. Those are both nation-wide, church-based groups that have solid reputations.
Let me know if any of that is helpful to you, and what other resources we might provide for you.
I’m dealing with this. Tonight. Again. For the last 8 years. Since we were just dating in our early 20s. Now we are 20 & 30. I don’t even know what to do. I left him tonight. Im out of options. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t deal with the lies any more. This is not the picture I planned.
Hey Alicia. I’m so sorry that it came to leaving, but sometimes that is a really healthy boundary to have, as hard and sad as it is. I don’t know if you found any of our resources on boundaries? Here’s the link to a free download called Hope After Porn. It’s the stories of four women and the choices they made on the journey toward healing. I think you might feel encouraged to know that other women have made hard choices like yours, and it wasn’t an end but instead a beginning. Here’s another article on boundaries. I’m proud of you for stepping up for yourself. That is where healing begins, at least for you. I hope your husband will step up for himself as well! Here’s an article that might help him understand what that could look like. Let me know if any of that is helpful, or if I could point you toward other resources. Just know you’re supported in the hard, healthy choices you have to make. We believe in boundaries here! And we also believe in hope and healing, because we’ve seen in happen in our own lives. Blessings, Kay
Hi. I’m in need of advice. My husband and I have been married for a year now. I found out about his porn addiction before we got married and it’s taken a tole on our relationship. I still find evidence of him looking at porn but he knows how to hide it well because I get really upset when I do find it. We argue about it a lot because it hurts my feelings . Why? We have a son and I’m just scared for the future. I know it will never stop. He lies to my face EVERYTIME about it. For months I tried to initiate intimacy and he always rejects me. When we do have sex I’m the one to ALWAYS initiate it. It hurts my feelings. Tremendously. And I try to hide how I feel because I can’t tell him because we will just get in an argument. I feel like he doesn’t care about how it makes me feel and that it’s crushing my self esteem. What do I do? Confronting him makes things worse because he just lies to me and we fight. He is also the kind of guy that looks at other women. He has an obsession with boobs, which I don’t have. I’ve even considered getting a boob job because he’s made me feel so insecure. And I don’t want that. I know he loves me and everything other than this in our marriage is great. I don’t get it. But I feel like I’m going to breakdown.
Hey Emily, wow, I wish you weren’t having to deal with this! But I’m glad you’re here and I hope we can help. I don’t know if you’ve poked around on the site here for resources much, but there’s a ton of good free stuff you can download and read through. Hope After Porn is one of my favorite resources, because it’s stories from other women who’ve gone through the tough stuff. It talks about different ways that different couples have handled boundaries and recovery.
It sounds like right now you guys are in a pretty typical cycle. He’s addicted, he hides it, you find it, you fight. I think we’ve all been, done, and got the ratty old t-shirt on that one. I understand that you feel like you’re going to break down. I did, and I can’t recommend it. So let me tell you what I wish I’d done differently.
1. I wish I had just gotten myself some help, immediately. I needed counseling. I needed a safe place to take all the anger and fear, and I needed someone to help me sort through what appropriate boundaries would be. I recommend the American Association of Christian Counselors as a good place to check for various types of Christian counselors, available throughout the country. You need support. There’s a free video series by Brad Hambrick that might be helpful to you as well. Ultimately, though, I think you need real, personal support.
2. I wish I’d had this article to pass along to my husband, that talks about practical steps and spiritual help toward recovery.
3. I wish I’d known that recovery from addiction is not just about good intentions and love. It sounds like your husband does love you–my husband does too. I thought that if he loved me like he said, he should just be able to quit. When he didn’t, it was so painful and shocking! But addiction is just not that easy. It’s a fight. It’s addiction. Part of it is breaking unhealthy habits, part of it is setting new healthy habits, part of it is a brain-chemistry re-set, part of it is personal healing, part of it is relating to God in new ways. Part of it is doing the right thing every day, and getting back up to try again when you fail. It’s a bunch of stuff. It’s a lot of work. And even with the best intentions, it’s hard. And relapse is part of recovery.
4. I wish I’d know that it CAN get better. This is not a death sentence, even though it feels like one right now. He has to be willing, and he has to do the work. But that CAN happen. He CAN make good choices. Of course, there are no guarantees, I won’t lie to you about that. He has to do the work! But it CAN get better.
Most of all, no matter what, God’s got you safe. His love won’t let you go.
Let me know if those resources help, and if you have other questions.
I am so sick and tired of dealing with this issue in my marriage.
My husband’s porn usage has increased over our 14 years together, and he has been repulsing me more and more each year with these images. It is a cycle in our marriage– He looks at it, I discover it, he lies, finally admits it, gives a sad story, promises he won’t do it again, lays low for a bit, then the cycle begins again. It has increased and escalated to trolling girls on Facebook and Twitter, looking up/contacting exes, adult stores w/ booths, strip clubs, posts on numerous swinger sites, and who knows what else. No amount of monitoring, password
disclosing or pleas to stop hurting our marriage & family or threats that I’m leaving helps. He has become a bigger liar and only tries harder to deceive me. He has called me uptight (even though I had more experience and was more adventurous when we met), controlling (probably because I stop him from sitting around watching it 24/7) and cold (probably because it’s difficult to warm up to a lying, creep). The effect on me through the years has been that with each discovery, I am more and more turned off and unable to find him desirable. Our days go on and we are functioning dysfunctionals (if that makes sense). I am sad, hurt, angry, lonely, resentful. Now I cringe when he approaches me. I’m unable to forget the porn images and all of his other activity. Our sex has become almost nonexistent. The only reason I give in to his advances is because I need to feel loved sometimes, too. But I don’t. I feel unloved, betrayed and disrespected. I can’t bring myself to initiate. I have too much pride. I know all this fuels the cycle & his “I don’t get enough” excuse. But why, WHY would any woman feel attracted to a man who constantly looks at images that degrade, subjugate, disrespects and demoralizes women?
The titles alone are awful and insulting to us.
Ultimately, I have become DISGUSTED that this man I married, the father of my young daughter & son, is getting off on these images. I am revolted that he is contributing and condoning this using and abusing of women. I have a young daughter who is growing up in this world with all of these leering, jack-off men who think this is how to be intimate with a woman! She will… not might, but WILL have to deal with some a-hole trying to get her to do something with her body because he saw it on a porn site. Thanks for siding with them, Dad.
I. Am. SICK of it!!!
Yikes, what a rough place to be in!
My first suggestion is this: read Porn and Your Husband, which will give you tips for setting boundaries and taking next steps.
My second suggestion is, if you set a boundary, follow through with it. You say you’ve threatened to leave before…but he may have stopped believing you about it, since you’ve threatened it without following through. I’d suggest setting the boundary that he takes measurable steps to break free (such as installing blocking software, seeking professional counseling, etc.). If he doesn’t take those measurable steps, then take your kids and move out until he does. If it sounds harsh, it is…but it may also be the wake-up call he needs. (The e-book Hope After Porn will provide encouragement through this separation.)
Please note that going cold-turkey probably shouldn’t be a condition. It sounds like he’s escalated into a full-blown addiction, so just plain quitting will be nearly impossible for him. But if he really is trying to quit, even if he fails, he will be taking noticeable actions to try to quit (like handing over his Internet-enabled phone, etc.). So try to forgive the occasional failure while he’s in recovery…as long as he’s clearly trying to quit.
You also mentioned your young daughter. If you do seek to separate from your husband, try to train her in two things: (1) to love her dad in spite of his failures because he’s her dad and he loves her; and (2) that inappropriate behaviors, like watching porn, should not be tolerated. If she ever starts to date someone who tries to use her for her body, make sure she knows to dump him and seek someone who values her for who she is.
wtf I’ve just read?! o.O You’re all seriously ill! Here where I live, women are those who don’t want to have sex more usually with their husbands. That’s how EVERYTHING starts. Also, if you don’t attract him anymore, he will become a hunter. 2-3 pararel relationships and cheating on wife. But this only rarely happens as here women pay attention on their look, stay focused on their love life with their husband and don’t allow it to happen. Who allow it to happen, that he cheats on you, simply ask him what he want to do, does he wants to leave you and go with that younger or prettier or more sexual experienced women or stay with you. If he choose to stay. Well, you’ll need to change your behavior a lot! If nothing helps, deal with the life without sex at all.
Why do you assume the women here are unwilling to have sex with their husbands? Many of the women who comment here say their husband’s porn use started long before he was married.
Savabahudin you are 100% an IDIOT
I have been 13 years living in hell because of my husband addiction. I saw myself reflec in each history that I read above . My head is telling me to run away, but my hart is bleeding because I love him so much . He is my husband the only man in my life . He is my son’s father and hero. And I am so afraid that he touch him in a different way … I can not trust him and I can’t live like that…. ! This is a silent torture.
I’m so sorry to hear this. Who have you spoken to about this? What have your conversations with your husband been like?
Hi Luke,
So in reading your page and the following posts, I have having a huge array of emotions. I am 28 years old with a 1 year old son. I married the love of my life. We are two in the same and he treats me very well. I had a near death experience while pregnant and he was at my side every step of the way. I couldn’t have asked for better love and support. But my rosy life with my husband has a very sad side. I knew he looked at porn, but occationally I would wonder if it was an issue… then the lies started, broken promises ect. While getting up with our babe, I noticed it was 4am and he was still on the computer and had to get up before 7 for work. It started effecting his work as he would be late. I recently found him on a live video chat. He was meeting strangers online and using the web cams on top of the porn. I now see the severity of it. We have an appointment with a qualified councellor. I am just at a loss. Part of me still feels like this “I have a problem” is an easy way out. Maybe that sounds insensitive, but it’s how I feel. The impact this has had on my personal feeling is greater than I thought. This has created so many other issues in our marriage. (Too tired to help me with our son, or housework, or ANYTHING. I do EVERYTHING. pay bills, taxes, banking, insurance companies etc etc. he goes to work and that’s it.) If this is truly an addiction that he’s going to be battling the rest of his life… I don’t know if I have the strength to support him as well as deal with my own issues. As much as I can’t see my life without him. He’s an AMAZING father, and a good person….. I just don’t know what to do. Feeling so hopeless and discouraged.
I hear what you’re saying. What your husband has got himself into is nothing short of deplorable. This is something that has taken over his life, and he should feel ashamed of what he’s putting you through.
I completely understand the “addiction” or “I have a problem” label can be seen as a cop out, but remember, this is a chosen slavery. It’s like going to an AA meeting: yes, they talk about their alcoholism like a “disease” but you never get the sense in those meetings that this is meant as a cop-out. Far from it. People in those meetings feel the immense weight of their decisions and know they are culpable.
Unfortunately we live in a world where people like to segregate things: you are either a victim or a victimizer. The fact is, rarely is it always one or the other. Make no mistake: your husband is completely responsible for his actions and will be paying for his wrongdoings as a result, but at the same time, he has likely become addicted to something that is now beyond his control to crave. Like I said, it is a slavery, but it is a voluntary slavery.
The good news is, things can change. The reason why porn is addictive is because men (and women) are becoming addicted to the neurochemistry of their own brains. (This is, by the way, the same reason some drugs are addictive: they trick the brain into releasing large doses of is own neurochemicals.) But the brain is a very moldable organ. You can train your mind to get to a place where the cravings come less frequently and aren’t nearly as strong. (This article talks all about that change process.)
I personally hate the mentality of “once an addict, always an addict.” To some extent, it is true because it forces people to think from a place of humility, realizing that they should never let their guard down. But on the other hand, it can become an identity thing: some people never rise above that label of “porn addict.” I would much rather people say, “I’m a husband/father/man who is overcoming an addiction to porn.”
Most importantly, you need support for yourself. I encourage you to find someone to talk to about this just as your husband has. We have a free book for wives you can download right now that talks about some of this.