Sexual addiction, an umbrella term which includes pornography addiction, is likely the most harmful addiction when it comes to marriages. The reasons for this are numerous and include the shame associated with this addiction for both the addict and the spouse, the sense of betrayal, and stereotypes linked to the addiction.
I specialize in counseling wives of sex addicts, and I often see women who haven’t told anyone about their husband’s addiction, sometimes for months or even years. The lack of support available to spouses, and often inaccurate information being put out about partners of sexual addicts, can cause a wife to suffer additional trauma and feel like she is partially responsible for her husband’s behavior.
Since this is a “process addiction,” versus a chemical addiction, it is so hard for wives to understand. This lack of understanding can cause numerous misconceptions to be held as truths and can postpone healing.
#1: How can my husband love me and look at porn when he knows it hurts me?
It is possible for your husband to love you, even though he is looking at pornography. In fact, the two are completely unrelated. Men are better than women at compartmentalization. A man’s brain can be compared to a waffle. There are many different compartments so that he can divide his life up into separate components that don’t touch each other. His marriage and family can be in one compartment, his job in another…you get the point.
This is a benefit when a man is fighting in a war and able to focus on the task at hand without worrying about his family back home. But it also makes a man able to look at pornography without thinking about how it may hurt you or his marriage. Women’s brains are more like spaghetti where everything is connected. We are more likely to be worrying about our kids when we are at work and thinking about work when we are at home.
When a man becomes addicted to pornography, it can become a perceived need rather than a choice for him until he becomes willing to reach out for help. His use of porn causes a release of the same chemicals involved when a drug is ingested. At the height of his addiction, nothing, not even the risk of losing his job or his marriage, is enough to stop him. This explains how a politician or celebrity can make such risky, career-destroying moves without stopping to consider the consequences.
Later I will discuss the kinds of consequences that can catapult an addict into reality.
#2: Why does my husband prefer porn and masturbation to sex with me?
Norman Doidge, psychiatrist and author of the acclaimed book, The Brain That Changes Itself, studied porn addicts. He stated,
They reported increasing difficulty in being turned on by their actual sexual partners, spouses, or girlfriends, though they still considered them objectively attractive. When I asked if this phenomenon had any relationship to viewing pornography, they answered that it initially helped them get more excited during sex but over time had the opposite effect.
Your husband had this addiction, or the proclivity toward it, before he ever met you, regardless of what he says. In spite of what you think or even what he might have said, nothing you could do could be enough to sexually satisfy your porn addicted spouse.
Pornography presents an unrealistic reality that damages a person’s brain. They become engrossed in this fantasy world where they don’t have to worry about pleasing anyone but themselves and no emotional connection is required.
While a porn addict desperately craves love and intimacy (something he is probably unaware of), he seeks it out in the exact place that will cause him to become less and less able to experience it. As I hear sexual addicts talk about their past, it becomes apparent why they are so uncomfortable with the idea of intimacy. This topic is beyond our scope here, but it is important for a wife to be aware that there is a reason her husband became addicted to porn, and that reason is not her.
Read Part 2 answering these four questions:
Question #3: Why am I not enough if I am sexually available to him?
Question #4: He says he looks at porn because I don’t have sex with him enough, am not pretty enough, am too fat, etc. What can I do?
Question #5: My husband says all men do it. Am I making too big a deal out of this?
Question #6: My husband refuses to get help or admit this is a problem. How can I make him stop? What are the risks if he doesn’t stop?
by the way — he came with this problem — i’ve stood by him and loved him for 23 years, but he grew up in an emotionally cold and loveless house with only the bare necessities to survive like food, clothes and shelter. The 15 years that I visited his parents, there was never any physical contact, no conversations about “How are you”, no offering of financial assistance for any reason whatsoever, if someone wasn’t able to afford the electric bill or food for the week — oh well. I believe that this is the reason why he is so emotionally detached and the reason is that he doesn’t know how to love and be loved in return.
I am recently divorced from a p addict who has a $500 / month downloading addiction for the last 20 years. I am very concerned about my 16 yr. old boy and 13 yr old girl being alone with him in his new residence, as well as out of town with him. There is a clause in our child custody agreement about him keeping things hidden and out of site, but this is not enough to ease my worries. My lawyer says I don’t have any basis to warrant supervised/ no visitation and I am frantic and desparate because the agreeement says they can be with him at his home. This is an emergency — thanks.
I understand, Jackie. As a parent, that would worry me tremendously. How does he demonstrate to the courts that he is complying with the terms of the custody agreement?
I would really encourage you to keep an open dialogue with your children. Their father is not their only risk of exposure to this stuff. Get involved and start talking with them. If they both attend public school they have (fact) heard about sex by now and odds are your son has been exposed to pornography and your daughter soon will be (those are just the stats).
Remember, he is not your only ‘threat’ and it is possible that the devil could use him as a distraction to keep you from seeing where the real threat might be. If you open a dialogue with your kids, you will be able to better identify where that threat will come from. It will also help you know if your ex is, in fact, doing as he said he would. If he isn’t then you can act from there.
Is this really me? looking for help with this issue he has brought into our marriage? This is the 3rd time Ive busted him and I think Im done. We’ve done the counseling gig twice and a treatment program. And here we are again.
This time its not just one lie, its been day after day, week after week and i dont know this time how many months.
I made it clear when we married 8 years ago that i wanted no part of this in my life, in my house, in our marriage.
I have a new therapist as of yesterday, i have an appt w/ an atty tomorrow and I opened new bank accounts today. This time i look at him with disgust. I dont know who he is. I feel the whole relationship has been a scam. You say all the right things to my face, buy me nice things, help with the house and then you go downstairs and have sex with other women on the computer. You’re a phony, a fraud. Our sex life has wanned over the last 18-24 months and now i know why. You have cheated on me and broken the sacred marriage covenants. Im done and I beleive it to be the right thing to do b/c i dont have other choices. This is who he is, its not who I am.
One last thing though for all of you, that might give you a giggle. He wrote Dear Abby and asked her if looking at ‘nude beaches’ was different than porn b/c they are public beaches…. Really, he did and i read it in the paper the day it was published. She told him, that he has a porn addiction.
I have to say I have been with my boyfriend now since 2010 when we first got together everything was great we had no sex issues at all, we even had a conversation to where he told me he thought watching porn was another form of cheating. It took about 6 months for me to realize he had an issue with porn. He pushed me away a lot and straight up lied to my face time and time again. Finally in the past year he admitted he had a problem he has told me numerous amounts of times he was going to get help and never has he told me it is not as serious as I think it is ( but to me if it hurts me or our relationship it is serious) he says he doesn’t do it anymore but I know these are all lies. He has no desire to have sex with me when we do which is now 1 every few months most of the time he cant ejaculate and it is always blamed on something else. There is no intimacy anymore he doesn’t look at me when we have sex I feel like we had turned into roommates. He knows it hurts me but continues to lie and choose that garbage over me. I told him he brought the devil right into our house we have also moved in separate places but still no change. The denial his anger his lies his disrespect has really pushed me to where I cant be pushed anymore. I have come to the conclusion after almost 5 years that my feelings will never matter he will stay stuck in his selfish ways only worry about his self. Ladies its not fair for us to keep wasting our time for someone who only cares about them. I’m 32 years old I’m not getting any younger and all this wasted time I will never get back and I’m selling myself short. I deserve so much better. The sad thing is there are 2 kids involved in this equation that love him and look up to him as their father but they have no clue he chose to move and kick us to the curb for these fake women they will never have. It breaks my heart because I have put all this time and effort to try and help him and get him to open up but the truth is that will never happen. I’m going to cut all ties with him because my heart can’t take anymore and its sad the next woman he gets involved with will have to go through the same thing. Why do men get involved with us knowing they have a problem that is so wrong. I threatened leaving this man time and time again and always came back. This time I’m not going to look back ever again enough time wasted time to find a man that loves me complements me wants me accepts me and cares about how I feel. I’m so tired of feeling used.
Tracy, I’m so sorry to hear how your husband is treating you. When it comes to this stuff, men need to man up, admit fault, get help, and do everything they can to reassure the women they love.
When you talk to him about this and he says he isn’t looking at porn anymore, have you talked about why he thinks he’s having this incredibly low libido and ED? What are his excuses?
I tried talking to him many times. he says it’s not me, it’s a “man thing” I can tell the difference between normal to addiction and He is completely addicted!! Often he refuses me, not in the mood, hard to get up but he has completely relied on himself to please that I just can’t please him…. I don’t want to go through his things, I don’t want to feel that I can’t trust him, I don’t want porn to be an issue I just don’t want to feel rejected, undesired, insecure. I want to trust and believe him when he says that he loves me but it’s hard.
I never thought of myself as a prude but the terrible pain I feel at my husband’s porn habits makes me feel like one. My husband works at night and I work during the day. He only works part time. On nights that he’s not working he stays up alone all night with the computer. I’ve found enough evidence to know that porn and beautiful women are a part of his internet routine. I know that men compartmentalize and I’ve heard that I shouldn’t take it personally. Yet if I could I would look him in the eyes and tell him I used to think that I was a desirable woman, but I don’t anymore. I would tell him that what he does alone doesn’t just affect him, but me too. I would tell him that it’s getting harder and harder for me to have sex, because I feel like such a terrible failure when I can barely turn him on and he can never have an orgasm. I would tell him I ache because he never glances at my body anymore. I would also tell him I understand, that I could never and will never be able to compete with this young beautiful bodies. In return he would gently tell me that these are my issues…not his. That he doesn’t have a problem with porn, but that he does look at it. He would say it sweetly and kindly and make me almost forget that he has no intention to change.
And so I’m left with the question. How do you go on? The only way I can bare the pain of it is when I pretend it’s not there…but inevitably the evidence surfaces and my heart breaks all over again. The anguish I feel sometimes feels unbearable. One thing I wanted to be to my husband is a desirable woman and he desires me not in the least—not the way he wants these countless other much younger, much more beautiful women. To be honest, when I allow myself to think about this it makes me wish I had never met him. Not because I don’t love him but because the pain is so great and permanent, and I wouldn’t hurt this way if I’d never allowed myself to love him. But what can I do about that now. Instead I sob here in front of the computer, after finding the most recent evidence. I cry alone and tomorrow I will smile and pretend that I don’t know anything. And in a few weeks, when I get up the courage and emotional strength to initiate sex with him I will pretend not to notice that I don’t fully arouse him, that he’s not looking at me during, and I’ll try not to cry when he can’t organism. And do you know what the saddest thing is? That I’m typing this all with the hopes that he will see it, feel what I feel for just a moment.
Oh Rain, my heart breaks for you. Let me tell you I have sat with numerous couples in the couch in front of me. Many times those wives looked just like the younger, beautiful women you are describing. The ones we see on the cover of magazines. And often their husband wants nothing to do with them sexually. Pornography pollutes the brain so badly that even if objectively finds his wife attractive, he often no longer sexually desires her. It isn’t about what she looks like. I know that is hard to believe, but this is true. It is about the fact that no woman can compete with 100 images or more in 5 minutes. No real woman can compete with the kind of sex that is all about him where he doesn’t have to worry about pleasing her or saying the right things or even looking her in the eyes. Those things are too close to imtimacy and a sex addict has an intimacy disorder. Intimacy terrifies him. He begins to prefer sex with himself where he knows just what he likes and how he likes it and where he can fantasize easily about multiple different people and activities. None of this is natural. None of this is how God designed it and a healthy man will crave sex with a real woman over masturbation. But a sex/porn addict is so brain damaged, due to what he has exposed his brain to. This is all actually very much based in science. Brain scans have shown this type of damage. Those with much greater understanding of the brain than I have have explained how pornography rewires the brain and causes so much harm. And another thing to remember. Your husband had this problem before he ever met you. So what do you do? The sad truth is that your husband will most likely never change unless he believes he will lose you if he doesn’t get help. Threats that are not followed through with reassure him that he can get away with these behaviors and he will continue, not because he wants to hurt you but because the addiction is more powerful than you or I can imagine. I can promise you that the problem will not just go away on its own with time and it will only get worse, as addiction is progressive.
Hi hun I have just cried reading your page because I am going through the same thing right now. My husband is addicted also and each time I find him out he says ‘No more’ but I find more. I feel unattractive, unsexy, feel like I have nothing and I dont know what to do anymore as he continues to hurt me over and over again with all this filth. But he wont talk to me about it. I am such a lovely soft hearted person with lots of love to give but I can’t love him the way I used to now.
my husband has not had sex with me in 2 years. I am an attractive woman. He sleeps in our 10 yr olds room with his laptop. she sleeps with me. he is a recovering alcoholic. he has not addressed this addiction. i am so wanting intimacy with a man that i am afraid of what choices i will make.
Hi Janelle,
Thank you for your honesty. It is good that you are acknowledging your own weaknesses right now. Find a good friend or mentor you can talk to about these things. It will help you to stay level-headed amidst all this garbage.
When you talk to him about his addiction, what does he say to you?
I feel for you wholeheartedly. This is my situation. The porn is the main issue at this point in time, but we are a few years past infidelity, internet and otherwise, and other OCD issues that he has had.
I, too, have wished I didn’t love my husband so much, otherwise I could be free of this constant stress and worry. I always hold out hope. They always say that communication is the most important factor in a marriage, and I believe it, but men (at least some) are impossible to communicate with, even with gentle nudging, when it comes to emotional or sexual issues. I wish I had an answer, but I don’t because I am still looking for one. Luckily, there is a lot of love between us, but I always wonder how you can love someone and treat them with such disrespect. (I could not love someone deeply and betray them at the same time). For whatever its worth, just know that you are not alone. I wish there was a women’s help line where we could communicate with one another to help relieve the pain. Going to a counselor has to be a 2-way street and mine refuses, so its a very lonely road. I have been told to make the most of my own life and not let this issue destroy my happiness. I wish you the best.
Oh bless you, I am actually sitting hear crying, I feel your pain because it sounds so much like my relationship. Like you I cope by burying my head in the sand but every now and then I am forced to face facts, and yes it hurts like hell, so much so I struggle to get by. I avoid making love because I struggle to arouse him and if I do manage to I can never ever make him ejaculate. My response was to build walls and to shut down, which helps no-one, but helps me cope a little better…sometimes. We can not compete with younger more beautiful women, that is true. But Rain you are beautiful and you are unique..there is only one of you and his problem, although it is also your problem, is NOT your fault! At the moment I am struggling big time, I can no longer sleep in the same bed as him, I would so love to be intimate with him but I am left feeling even more empty, hurt and confused afterwards that I will go to any lengths to avoid it. I don’t turn him on, I don’t make him hard so I avoid even trying. That is what porn addiction does, it destroys marriages, it destroys self esteem and I am left sitting here feeling worthless. I think maybe I’m rambling on now, but I can’t talk to anyone about this. I do love him, but I am sick and tired of being blamed and made to feel bad because it is my fault he does what he does because I don’t give him enough sex. Vicious circle. For all you out there going through the same thing, you are not alone not by a long shot, I feel for you and I wish you all the best x
Wow, I feel that you are writing my feelings and experiences. It has been almost 6 years of this crap. Him and his porn and me trying to catch him. Not a great relationship. The sad part is that I am still catching him. He doesn’t deny it anymore. He just wants to know where I found it so next time he can try to cover his tracks better. Do you ever have that problem? I can hardly have sex because all I keep thinking about is “who is he thinking about” Is it me or the Porn queen he was watching right before we have sex. I have no self esteem anymore. I went through this with my second husband. I can’t believe I am doing it again. The sad part is that I love him. I just wish he loved me enough to stop hurting me like that. He is all about respect but he has none for me. I feel where you are coming from and I hope one day they realize how much this changes us as wives and people. I am angry all the time now. I wish I wasn’t. I wish I was the way I used to be. But this changes a person. Good luck! Keep your head held high and try to break through the waves.
Rain.Wow,um really I dunno where to start your story sounds like mine. I pretend and lie to myself alot trying to make it all disappear but it’ll flood right back to me. And to be honest I haven’t even caught him doing it in along time just because I’ve stopped checking I’m tired of that explosion inside of me and feeling of anger sadness. I’ve even got to the point I hate going anywhere anymore cuz I know he’s on the hunt to look at someone or atleast that’s how I feel. I have so much anger inside me it’s unreal I’ve never been what you say confidant in myself but I do not think I’m ugly but with his addiction it has made me sometimes hate myself and think bad things about me or our sex life. That’s another story I can be so ready and in the mood and then BAM the thoughts are in my mind. There is a reason I’m telling you all this it’s not to discourage you because even though I still have all this pain and suffering I pray everyday that God will heal him and myself and our marriage I take marriage very serious even though I’m young we have also been married 8 years and I do strongly believe God as put us women in these men life’s for a reason I believe not only to build is stronger in faith and life but to help our husband’s fight this sinful battle cuz all the research I’ve done they hate their addiction more then they probably realize or say. I know it maybe hard but pray and stay strong I will be praying for all that suffer with this problem and their spouse cuz people don’t realize what it does to the spouse. God bless and hope we all look back one dayand see change… I really understand and hope we all receive healing…
Rain, I completely understand everything you are going through as I am feeling the same things you are. The only difference is he does not have a prob with orgasms. I am on the verge of bringing my relationship to an end, not because I don’t love him. I love him with all my heart. That’s the problem I love him so much that it would be easier for me to just leave the relationship than to keep feeling my heart being broken consistently. I wonder why he even wants to be with me because I feel so disgusting. So much so that I feel bad that I am with him thinking maybe if I left him he would find someone that fits what he enjoys watching on the internet and maybe he would be fully satisfied. He says he thinks I am beautiful, pretty, attractive and all that but I watch the way he looks at attractive people and I see the difference in his demeanor. i watch his eyes as he follows them and looks them up and down. He does not look at me like that in the slightest. I feel his behavior and actions say more than what he tells me. i often tell him that I am gonna find someone that is his “type” because I want him to be truly happy. His response….”I don’t want anyone else, I just want you.” My thoughts….he sure doesn’t act like it. Just know you are not alone in how you feel. seems to be a growing trend with all of us.
Rain, I live your nightmare too. my husband has been fired from his job as a professor at a state university school of meicine for spending many hours each week watching porn. A 22 year career down tje drain jan 31 2014. he only orgasms when i give him a hand job because he admits he has for tje twelve yrs of our marriage thinking of porn imagesrwhile i provide friction to his penis. myle marriage has been a fraud. if I star to cry he accuses me of punishing him and thinks that the past ten weeks of mortification are all tje punishment he deserves. I cannot help but hate him for his deceit and now mental cruelty. I pray to find a job so do I can escape this fradulant marriage.
It’s 5 years i’m battling my boyfriend’s addiction. I myself am a very sexual person, playful and enjoy everything about it, It’s rare I refuse however, his addiction has made me feel self conscience, inadequate, undesired where I just want to hide myself. I feel he imagines someone else and one night he forgot to erase the history on the laptop, I came across live porn sites where that’s my cherry on the sunday! Enough!!! The sad thing is, is that I’m completely in love with him but it’s destroying me sexually. I feel like i’m just a release and he doesn’t want to look at me. We hardly kiss and we use to so often. I’m glad I found this blog because now I don’t feel alone in this…It’s hard to support! I
I hope you find more of what you are looking for here. Have you spoken to him much about your feelings?
I just learned of my husbands serious porn addiction while on our honeymoon. I find myself thinking and feeling all of the above. He has been porn free for 4 months now but we struggle in intimacy. I have never felt so low about myself. I saw red flags in dating such as little sex but he kept insisting he just didn’t want to base the relationship on this. I have always felt detached in the bedroom with him. I feel lost and just in shock most days. He gave up his smart phone and computer but he claims the images are still there and he struggles. I never knew how damaging porn was to the brain until reading all of this! Very sad!
Hello Still in Shock,
Have you been able to get help from anyone close you? You are catching this very early in your marriage, which is disheartening, I know, but it is also hopeful. Your husband seems at least somewhat willing to change, but if this is a deeply rooted habit in his life, he will need help. You both also still need to learn to relate to one another sexually in a meaningful way, and that, too, might take some help (counseling, etc.).
THERE IS HOPE!
I stumbled onto this article today while searching around online. My heart was breaking as I read all the comments about your suffering because of husbands or boyfriends porn addiction. I want to be a voice of encouragement for you that are in such great pain! You even helped me understand what I have put my wife through for many years of our marriage.
I WAS A SLAVE TO THE SIN OF PORNOGRAPHY FOR 25 YEARS!
From the age of 12-37 pornography was my master. I was a slave to sin. As many of your husbands and boyfriends are. And you can be sure of this, he was already a slave to it before he meet you.
SO YOU ARE NOT THE ISSUE!
The only hope for him or her enslaved by pornography is placing your life in the hands of Jesus Christ. He nailed sin to the cross (Colossians 2:14) I was set free from the bondage and slavery to sin. Now my relationship with my wife is growing deeper and deeper constantly. We are at a place we both thought we could never attain.
BE A PRAYER WARRIOR FOR HIM! AND RECRUIT OTHERS!
And never give up (you can even survive adultery). My wife and I both committed adultery and God restored our marriage. We know why I committed adultery. And my wife because I was so self-centered! I pushed her away. Yes she is responsible for her actions too, but I understand my part in that as well. In that I met my own needs before the needs of my wife. Again, God has healed and restored our marriage to such a beautiful place. And he can help you restore yours as well.
The real issue is a spiritual one. One of “thirsting.” And the problem is we have tried to fill up that “spiritual thirst” with something physical. Only God can quench our spiritual thirst.
“My people have committed two sins:
They have forsaken me,
the spring of living water,
and have dug their own cisterns,
broken cisterns that cannot hold water”
Jeremiah 2:13
We men have “dug our own cisterns” of pornography, “broken cisterns” that cannot “hold water.” We think we will eventually be satisfied with pornography, but we can never fill our cisterns up because they are broken and unable to be filled. Only God, the “spring of living water” can satisfy the soul.
Erick Hurt
http://www.erickhurt.com
U described me completely Rain. U make me cry so much!!! I do exactly what u do and your husband behaves exactly like mine. These guys should go through what we are going through now in their next birth
Oh my, I am so sorry for everyone who writes. I am a wife of 37 years to a good man. We have 2 children and I have struggled so hard to make our life seem normal. I didn’t know what he was doing until we were in our 4th year of marriage. Our son, who was 4, was opening boxes that my husband had left in the foyer. I could not believe my eyes. Hundreds of “Playboy” magazines. I could not believe my eyes. I shook the whole day. I never said anything because I was shocked and ashamed that I had seen his stash. Years later I mentioned it to him and he said I was crazy and there were no magazines. As our lives continued I would see different magazines, tapes, and dvd’s. All hidden in car trunks, old suitcases etc. He has used porn almost daily. When I went back to work, he would come home and play porn tapes on the TV during the work day. Funny now, I never figured out why my soap opera recording was not recording in the day. I never dreamed he was coming home from work to play tapes of naked women. I felt so foolish when I found out and so ashamed. I became obsessed with knowing what he was watching. He had cataloged hundreds of tapes and later dvd’s. He gave each woman A’s. B’s and C’s grades of their looks and what they did. It became my secret little hell that I could not seem to talk with him about without feeling ashamed and embarrassed. Somehow he always turned everything around where I was at fault. He even masturbated by my side when he thought I was asleep. Never the less, we are now in our 37th year of marriage and he is still going on with porn. Our sex life is truly damaged. He can not perform with me anymore, he can’t even fake it anymore. His addiction has severely damaged whatever we had. I am 61 years old now and have nothing to look forward too in my marriage. So please if you are experiencing anything like this, get help. Please don’t let it ruin your life, I don’t believe a man like this will change or ever ask for help. He says he will change every time I have ever brought it up. When you look back at a marriage you want to think about the good parts and not have the bad parts over ride the good. Get help with a Dr. who is well informed with porn or leave. I still think about leaving him and perhaps I will.
I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve experienced for so many, many years. I’m glad you found us here, and I hope what you read will be a support and encouragement to you. I wonder if you’ve seen our free download, Hope After Porn? It’s the stories of different women, and how they handled the boundaries in their marriage around pornography. Some of those women chose to leave, to create that boundary. I think we tend to forget that porn is not just bad for the spouse–it’s bad for the addict as well. Of course, the addict gets the chemical high–but then, as your husband experiences, erectile dysfunction becomes an issue. It’s clearly not a healthy thing for him, either. I hope you’re getting support? I know it can be hard to talk about, believe me! But there are resources like Celebrate Recovery in many places, as well as counselors who can help support you. Let me know if those resources are helpful to you. Blessings, Kay
I’ve been married five years now and always had a freakish side in me and do enjoy porn.in fact my husband and i would watch it together, make our own videos,etc. Todaywe decided to watch a porn and i ran across one that consists of nothing but women, but as if they are interacting one on one with the viewer…this blew me away. When i asked my husband about it who was right there with me, his response was o well you know i like porn. This is more than porn, he is literally placing himself right then and there and even fantasizing a true connection with these actresses. At that point i consider it cheating and am livid to even be around him right now. He always wants sex, but will not initiate anything unless I’m asleep. ???, I’m so confused and distraught right now about this
Coco, So many have introduced porn to their relationship or participated in it willingly, completely unaware of the dangers to the mind and to the relationship. After all, society is very accepting of porn, as if watching it in normal and even healthy. By watching porn with or without your partner, you are both playing with fire. I recommend the book Wired for Intimacy by Dr. William Struthers for more detail on how porn affects the brain. However, I will just say that when one of you is consistently watching porn there is no intimacy (emotional connection) in the relationship, regardless of whether you are watching it together. There are many reasons for this but one is that neither of you are emotionally present with the other during sex if you are watching or fantasizing about someone else. Over time this will pull you farther and farther apart in every area of your relationship. The fact that he always wants sex, but will only initiate when you are asleep is an example of his discomfort with intimacy. He wants to use your body, but does not want you. He has conditioned his brain to see women as nothing but objects, even if he is unaware of this. When you are asleep he does not have to worry about talking to you or relating to you in any sort of emotional way. This is classic of a porn addict. Like any addiction, sex/porn addiction is progressive and will only get worse. I would like to ask you though, you say you feel cheated on (and I agree), but how is what he is doing any more wrong than what you are doing? You are both fantasizing about other people. You are both being unfaithful in your minds and hearts. One last thought: The male brain responds to porn differently than the female brain. You may be addicted to porn yourself, but it sounds like you are able to enjoy it occasionally without using it compulsively. While it is still damaging your brain, your husband is likely using porn way more often than you know. You both need significant professional help and your husband needs treatment for porn/sex addiction. It is a deadly lie that porn can add spice to your marriage and sex life. Porn will kill your marriage and the only hope you have is to completely remove it from your lives. This may sound extreme. I used to be fairly open-minded to the occasional use of porn, but learned the hard way how damaging it is.
My fiance/ baby father is addicted to porn pics, and videos, even moreso, I had his phone the other day and found porn pics on his facebook page….right under pics of our newborn son. I asked him, ” do you remember when we first met?, do you remember seeing our little son on the sonogram at the Dr’s office?, do you remember my painful back labor 2 days before my painful delivery? …he answered yes thoughtfully to all these questions, then I landed it on him with, ” I want you to think about all this whenever you go to look at some faked boobed half naked bitch, who has no respect for herself or other women.” I also told him the bible says if you can’t refrain from looking lustfully at a woman who is not your wife, you would be better off removing your eyes. I was pissed and hurt. Still am. He said that this is a spiritual battle. I asked him if this is what he is thinking about when we have sex. Is he projecting a fantasy of whatever nasty things he has been watching while we have sex. He said no, but then said that he only does it when he gets mad at me. This is hard because he is a good man and great dad in every other aspect of our relationship. But I cant accept this
Hey Tiffany, I’m glad you wrote in. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, but glad we can be a support to you as you decide what to do next. Of course you’re hurt and angry–those are perfectly normal emotions to have when your relationship is being threatened. I agree that you don’t have to accept this. Your fiance needs to take responsibility for his choices, and work toward recovery if the relationship is going to be healthy. If he makes good choices, then he’ll be trustworthy again.
He needs a plan and he needs to work the plan. Here’s an article with some ideas for guys who want to get out of a porn habit. You might try passing that along to him, and seeing what he thinks about it.
Meanwhile, you’ll need to think about your own boundaries, and you’ll need support as you consider how to respond to this in a healthy way. You might find a support group in your area through Celebrate Recovery. Many churches have these, to help us deal with all the bumps and bruises of life. Also, many women find personal counseling to be really helpful, and the American Association of Christian Counselors has therapists all over the country. Here’s a list of articles from the blog that you might find helpful.
I hope those resources will be helpful to you as you work through this situation. Let me know if you have more questions. Kay
My daughter is in love with a man who has a pornography addiction. She says she loves him and can’t believe that the “side effects” of his addiction will be a problem for her and her children. What do I say to her? Her brother is a heroin addict and she loathes him. When I compare the heroin addiction to the porn addiction she thinks I’m exaggerating, but I believe both are addictions. She has always been a straight arrow. I’m completely at a loss.
Great question, JustTheMom. It will probably be very difficult to convince your daughter about the gravity of the problem for two reasons: (1) she’s in love and that’s not an easy thing to shut down, and (2) the seriousness of his addiction hasn’t really surfaced (yet). A few questions:
1. Is he open about his addiction with her: is it just something he accepts as part of his life and doesn’t care what she thinks?
2. How does she feel about him looking at porn? Not just the addiction part: how does it make her feel knowing he’s masturbating to images of thousands of other women online?
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Ella, as opposed to Florence, I am married to the man so I’m wondering what your advice would be. I don’t think our situation is as extreme as hers but my husband hasn’t looked at porn for about 2 1/2 years of which we’ve been married 16 months. I’d like to have sex multiple times a week but he’ll only initiate it once or twice. I’m glad to initiate sometimes but get discouraged when I’m rejected and would honestly like to be pursued more often than pursue. He’s not excited about lingerie, “dirty” pictures of me, me talking “dirty”, or most of my sexual advances. Thank God he does not play video games. He works out regularly,watches a few TV shows and ESPN but not excessively. It just seems like he only wants sex when he wants it–which has nothing to do with me. When I used to ask him about his low libido and if I could help at all he was very defensive and took it as an attack on his manhood. Now he’s more receptive and does connect it with years of addiction to porn but I want to see some healing! By God’s grace I wasn’t exposed to porn and was a virgin when we married and I know the amazing freedom I feel in the marriage bed. I want him to feel the same thing! What can I/we do?
Ojitos…he is still involved in view porn.
I feel I may have to agree with the above comment. He might still be viewing porn. My husband (newlyweds, were just past a year) was caught out and then ‘ended it’. Unfortunately after a few months of the same thing… Not having sex often I eventually found out the porn was still going on. There’s an article online (maybe was on here) that mentions that porn encourages lying and my gosh had he been lying.
He is truly sorry for it. But it still goes on months later. God is my only source of trust and love. And should always be. I hope things begin to become clearer and easier for you. I hope I’m wrong about your husband. Just don’t forget, we may not be able to fix this … And the husband may not be able to either, but God can.
Work at it. Encourage and uplift your hubby but don’t trust him in difficult circumstances. From where I stand I think it should be okay to ‘keep an eye on him’ without hurting him etc. definitely seek counselling through pastors or leaders at your church, or if you don’t go to church seek out a counsellor who would encourage putting an end to porn and associated activities.
Praying for you
Hi everyone
Iv been married for 7 years and been with my husband for 10.
I knew he sometimes watched porn, I found out 4 years ago and we had a bad arguement and he made me feel like I was wrong cos all men do it sometimes. So I let it be.
But then I got pregnant last year and found out that he had also been going to strippers for ten years and has a severe porn addiction.
I faced him with all of it and he went crazy. He has stopped going to strippers but I don’t know for how long
He blamed everything on me.
He denies it all, iv cought him since watching porn we will lie and get angry and blows if I mention it.
I am attractive, I know that but I still feel so low and hurt.
He just lied. He wants to hide and watch and mastrubate.
He watches women mastrubating and changing etc
I don’t get that. I’m sooo hurt
I want to stop loving him cos his not worth my love. I really need help.
Iv tried everything but he won’t admit anything.
Also because I’m asian he says a non asian woman would not be like me
And I’m pathetic and insecure
He knows I’m telling the truth but he still calls me nasty names and insults me.
Sarah, what your husband is doing to you is mean-spirited and cruel. A while back I wrote an article called “Straight Talk to Husbands Who Watch Porn” where I address men like your husband. He needs to ask himself if this is really the man he wants to be. Does he want to be a man who loves one woman well, or does he want to be a man who is always sneaking off to get his fix from his computer or from the woman who he has to pay to like him?
I highly recommend you get this free e-book and read it: Porn and Your Husband. It will help you to think about what you need to do next.
A little more than than two weeks I discovered my husband had subscribed to an online dating service and listed himself as single. He has been having conversations with at least 8 women at a time. Many of these have shared nude pictures of themselves and he has shared some with them as well. I know he has has a problem in the past with porn but this is the first time he has ever carried on conversations with anyone on line. He’s lied about his age, marital status. I’ve even found out he has met some of the women in person. When I confronted him, all he will say is I don’t look,the same as I did when we married. Did I mention we’ve been married 31 years? I can’t even begin to share the anguish I have felt over this. I have tried so many times to talk to him, discuss the problem and he refuses to talk about it. According to him, it’s all my fault. I am a Christian and the thought of my marriage being over scares me to
death. We’ve decided to separate . I wish he would just go ahead and have sex with one of these women so I can file for a divorce based on adultery. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
Hey Beth, I am so, so sorry for what you’re going through. I know you know this, but let me just say it: this is NOT about how you look! He’s making really sad choices and lying to himself, to you, and to these other women. That is not about how you look! That’s about how he feels inside himself, and his inability to deal with that in a healthy way. His choices are NOT your fault!
I’m actually encouraged that you’ve decided to separate, under the circumstances. Of course, that is not what we wish for when we get married, but sometimes it’s sadly necessary. It sounds like he is not prepared to take responsibility for himself, and it does concern me that his bad choices could impact your health, if he decides to become sexually active with some of these women. It certainly seems as if his choices are escalating in that direction.
I totally understand your desire for closure in this, especially since it looks like he’s not willing to do any work toward recovery. I would say this: don’t worry about whether your feelings are wrong. Your life has been turned upside down, and you’re going to have all kinds of feelings. Whatever your feelings, just make good, healthy choices for yourself. Get lots of support, because you’re going to need help as you think through what’s next. I’d suggest counseling. You can find someone in your area through the American Association of Christian Counselors. There’s also good support through Celebrate Recovery, which has groups in lots of places.
Let me know if those things help at all. Blessings, Kay
wow…. I just found out that my partner and best friend of 17 years has been viewing porn on a work computer at home for 3 years even though he has a personal computer at home.. If fact on both work assigned computers instead of our own What kind of person does this???.?? Deliberately destroys everything good in their life?…. He finally told me when he knew he had to turn one in for a new one and may be caught and i am his superior. Worst of all we work together and have for 10 years and have been models to others of an incredible pair…I am a mess…the betrayal is unfathomable especially when the relationship for both of us ( so he says) was so loving supportive and special by our accounts as well as everyone who knows us. he does not know why he did it, He is begining to realize the fukashima he has made of a wonderful life, sex was fine but not that often, love seemed always there he was a model partner to me and me to him, he was the love of my life, now I don’t even know who he is, and neither does he from the sounds of it. I don’t understand this why would anyone purposefully destroy a wonderful relationship, dream jobs together that people only dream about and throw it all away? I am 3 days into this and all I can say is that I feel like my best friend died…..
I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing right now. Your story resonates with me, as I had many of the same thoughts when my husband’s porn habit was discovered. It just made no sense in the context of our lives together, and that made me question everything I thought I knew. I think that’s the mystery of this habit/addiction–it takes on a life of its own, and the explanations are just not very satisfying, not even to the user!
Here’s the thing. I think it CAN be healed. But healing happens with the addict takes full responsibility for his recovery, and you get lots of support for yours.
The guys who get better (1) filter/monitor internet use (2) educate themselves (3) get personal support through personal or group therapy. My husband has really appreciated the resources at Pure Desire; they also have groups in some places.
Women who recover well (1) educate themselves (2) have good boundaries (3) get personal support through personal or group therapy. Celebrate Recovery is a good group resource in many areas.
Our story is that our relationship was better AFTER recovering from porn than it ever was before. I think when you’ve got a partner who is really willing to work, that can happen! Of course if he doesn’t want to work, you can recover on your own.
Meanwhile, let me know how those resources work out and we’re always here to answer questions. Blessings Kay
Our husband’s have to fall hard and loose almost everything to overcome porn, my husband caused me for his issues and verbally abused me everyday. He would lie and sound so convincing. I try ed to wear the best clothes and do undisrcibable sex acts for him, but it just pushed him towards more porn. At the time I didn’t know what to do or how to act. It took his leaving me to gain strength and confidence in myself. Help from other men and woman was wonderful, but the tears and anger was still residing in my heart and nightmares. Like I said in my other post; it has been a hard recovery for my trust and emotions. My husband wants me several times a day. But I feel that his sex addiction is live and we’ll wetter he’s watching porn or not. I catch him looking at woman’s bottoms like their the last worm on earth and yet I’m told I have the best boots ever. It makes no sence, it’s pure hypocrite. I know in my heart I can survive without him and I don’t need to improve to keep him sexual pleased. It is he who needs to improve, I have seen several improvements in actions, but some evil actions are hidden from me. But the Lord reveals them to me. Being in prayer and knowing your not the one to blame helps me everyday to press on.
You’re definitely not to blame. Cling to that as you consider what healthy boundaries will look like for you in this situation. You might like to read our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about their own choices in recovery. Blessings, Kay
Sounds like he is just compartmentalized his viewing, and continues.
My boyfriend still does it & lies to my face. He can’t perform with me except about half the time an when he does he can’t ejaculate for me. He blames being tired, distracted or his medication. But I know when he’s lying to me. I can tell by his behaviors. Behavior doesn’t lie. He hasn’t admitted it to anyone but me, insists we keep his secret & refuses to get help for himself. I am heartbroken & a recovering addict who has a feelings disease. In the past I have relapsed over feelings of inadequacy & felling unloved, not good enough or rejected. Those are my biggest triggers. Also feelings of betrayal. He is aware of all this & continues to hurt me regardless. I am at the end of my rope. He is so loving & supportive in every other way. Our sex life has improved. But nonetheless, he won’t change without help & he refuses to get it. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not good enough or like I will never be enough for him. What do I do?
My boyfriend does the same. It’s called delayed ejaculation and he only can have it through masturbation. It’s very difficult. I would like to have romantic sex but he isn’t capable. I have the same feelings as you are experiencing.
Your story is almost identical to mine, except my boyfriend doesn’t have any issues with ejaculation. Our sex life is fine, just a little less often than a year ago. It’s always great in the beginning. I feel same way about myself as you are describing. Difference is not so much the porn, but the sex chat lines, hookup sites ect. I don’t know what else to do.
I know how you feel!! My husband of 12 years always rejected me and we went for long periods of time without sex. The rejection I felt tore my heart out for so long. I have seen his phone with more than 85 porn videos.. Pirn pictures that he has collected over the years and he is still in denial! He says its normal!! I’m sick of feeling not good enough, boobs aren’t big enough, not sexy enough , and just the loose eyes he has for anything with boobs!! He won’t get help and i have finally made the decision to leave!!! im worth more than this!!! he lives raunchy nasty women and im the exact opposite! love is not suppose to hurt ladies.. make your decision ladies…. things won’t change..!!
I think that the most important way to deal with your problem is to have a strong community of others that share your problem and want to fix it. I’m part of a facebook group that can really help you called Spouses of Porn Addicts Support Group. Feel free to join the community so we can all work to solve our partners problems together.
I can totally relate to leann and michelle, My story is too painful and long to share here. My hisband is not only a porn addict, he lso has anger management problems so u know what happens eah time I talk about it. He says it he is not an addict although i have more than enough evidence to prove it, Worse, he keeps insisting there is a missing’ connection’ between us after some misunderstandng in the beginning of our marriage.He has been treating me like dirt . Why am I still with him? My first husband had ED and I only found out after marriage, this time around no one will believe me. I have to tay for the sake of family too. But i have no kids and think my depression will get worse after having one. My family has done so much for him and it hurts when he treats me this way.
Hey Regina, thanks for sharing with us. I’m sorry things are so hard for you and your husband. It sounds like you feel really trapped and frustrated and helpless. And it’s true, there’s very little we can do about the choices that others make. I wish we had more control! But we just don’t! We talk a lot about boundaries for spouses here on the blog. I don’t know if you’ve read any of those articles? Check this one out, and let me know what you think.
I am having the same problem. In the beginning of our relationship we had gone an entire year without even making out. I felt like a piece of meat. After bringing it up to him he got a lot better but lately he will get up out of bed in the morning and go out to the couch to masturbate. I don’t know how many times I walk out on him and he tries to play it off like he was getting ready for me.. He also has to get himself off when we have sex. He has never just let it happen. He says he wants to get married and have kids and he is so sweet and loving all the time except when we are in bed.. I need help. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared of him cheating because he doesn’t seem interested. I walked out in lingerie last night and got nothing but a glance… It makes me feel so worthless and like I need to be a porn star to be attractive to him.
Hey Madison, I’m so sorry for the pain you’re going through. I hope we can provide some help and support for you here.
Just a few weeks ago, I wrote a post about boundaries while dating. Here’s the link. I don’t know if that helps you think through how you want to handle this. Here’s another article that addresses this issue of ED. This is becoming so common, and actually sometimes it’s the thing that will motivate men to finally work toward recovery. There is no way you can be pretty enough to combat this–it just doesn’t work that way. I think what really needs to happen is this: he needs to deal with his addiction. He’s got to do some serious work to get himself out of this, if the relationship is going to have a healthy future. Here’s yet another article! This one is practical steps and spiritual resources for men in recovery, if he’s willing to have that conversation. Obviously, a number of things would have to change.
I know it’s really hard to remember, but this is NOT about you. This is NOT about you being a worthless, unattractive person. This is about addiction and what he needs to do to recover. Recovery is completely, totally possible! It’s a lot of work, it takes time, it’s painful, but it’s absolutely possible.
I think it’s really important for you to think through what your own boundaries will be. I think your concerns about future cheating are really legitimate. Sadly, that happens when sexual addiction spirals out of control. I know you have hard choices to make. I hope the materials here on the website will be helpful. Please let me know if I can point you toward other materials as well.
I’ve been married four years,but we’ve been together for eleven years total. This past June I tried to kill myself because my husband’s addiction to porn has mentally and emotionally destroyed me. When I got out of the hospital he told me that he never really understood that what he was doing was effecting so deeply. (I can’t count how many times and in different ways I have explained to him the toll it was taking on me.) He said that the image of me attempting to take my own life would be enough to stop him from any temptation or urge to view porn ever again. (For a few months I took his word for it) . Then I checked the Google history on his phone. He views porn all the time even while he’s at work. (During the second year of our relationship (prior to realizing that he had an addiction) I entertained his idea to watch porn together, as a couple. At that point watching porn did not cause him physical arousal. I asked him about it and he said that he needs to be physically touched to get an erection.) A week after my suicide attempt, he started experiencing symptoms of ED. He has been diagnosed with low testosterone and has been on hormone replacement therapy for two in a half weeks. So far, there hasn’t been any improvement with his ED. I can’t take this anymore. I love him, but he doesn’t want to admit he has a problem and get the help he needs. I know I need help because his addiction is literally destroying me. Together we have four children. The oldest is 17 and the youngest is 3. I don’t know what to do anymore and my efforts toward trying to salvage this relationship are diminishing. Anti-depressants aren’t working and I’m quickly slipping back to that bad place. I don’t know what to do, I am broke and have no place that me and my kids can go. I know I can’t stay here and let him destroy me.
Andrea, my heart just breaks for you. And I’m so sad that your husband is unwilling or unable to get the help he needs. It sounds like he may have good intentions, but is so addicted that he’s unable to follow through, and that’s impacting him now with the ED. Both of you are missing out on a relationship that could be life-giving to you both, and that is a huge, terrible loss. I’m not surprised this has impacted you so deeply.
My concern at this point is for your safety and well-being. Whatever your husband chooses, you have your own health to consider–to say nothing of how this has to be impacting your children. I think you need the support of a good counselor (check the American Association of Christian Counselors for someone in your area). Also, groups like Celebrate Recovery can be enormously helpful, and they are free and available in many churches around the country.
I also hope that your close friends and family know what’s going on with you, so they can provide support to you as well. This is just way too much for you to carry on your own.
When you come to a place like this, you’ll want to consider what your boundaries need to be. Clearly, you’re unable to go on as you have been before. I don’t know if you’ve read our free download, Hope After Porn? It might be encouraging for you to see how other women have handled their boundaries in situations like yours. Also, Luke just recently put together a list of all our top articles for women, which might provide some ideas for you as well.
Let me just say this. When you’re extremely depressed, and it sounds like you have been for some time now, your brain turns off its “possibility thinking” and goes into pure survival mode. It’s really common to feel trapped, to feel that nothing can change, to feel that there are no other options besides the terrible one you’re in right now. But here’s the thing.
God is never, ever, ever out of options. He loves you and walks with you and mourns with you and REDEEMS even when we have no idea how that could be possible. I agree with you that this situation looks terrible, and I have no idea what lies ahead of you yet. I only know that God walks with you and He will never let you go. He’s provided people around you to be the Body of Christ to you right now. I get to be maybe one little pinky finger of that right now. Your family and friends and support group and therapist get to be other parts. You’re wounded and you need to be carried, and there is a Body that’s supposed to do that for you right now, until you can walk again on your own.
Prayers for you today–Kay
Michelle I so identify with you my partner and I are both in recovery I used to think it was harmless and didn’t judge at all but now I’ve probably been touched 3 times in 2 years like you my fear of rejection and stubbornness stops me from attempting any form of intamacy and he seems to think it’s ok coz he pays a few bills and takes care of our sons nneeds, I’m now overly sensitive I watch tv and cry at relationships where they show love and compassion to eachother. I’m a chronic people pleaser so go out of my way to please him like a puppy dog then get resentful as there’s no response!! I no deep down it shouldn’t be like this but I’m 48 been with him for 30 years through some mad times and I have huge anxiety when it comes to change!! It’s too familiar I’m at a loss x
My husband left me twice for blaming me for his porn addictions. He got so bad that he also bought sex toys for himself and hid them. U have discovered everything, and when I did of last year 2014, he left and I was to blame. I forgave him and he moved back in but he wasn’t healed , he was the same. He left 4wks later. He wished the worst on my life and told me to move on. It was a complete nightmare. Two months later I was happy and peacefull he had recovery from porn due to self control and guilt. He came back home for the third time in oct 2014 he left in march. Since then I can not recover from the brutal verbal abuse and never being enough for him. I have no trust, little love, and no confedence in myself even tho I am not the reason. I catch him lusting after anything with hair, it discusses me bit his porn I hope has stoped. He has no smart phone and we have no Internet and we watch no rated R films.
Hey Michelle. I hope it’s obvious to you by now that his porn use is his responsibility and not yours. And, recovery is about so much more than “no porn.” It’s really about him not using sex just to satisfy himself any way he wants, and instead making sex a part of an emotionally connected, respectful, loving relationship.
Verbal and emotional abuse have no place in a marriage relationship! When you’ve been abused that way, of course your trust and confidence are gone, along with your love.
Whatever choices he makes, I hope you will seek support for yourself. There are often free support groups available through domestic violence shelters nation-wide; Family Advocacy Centers are another good place to look for counseling support for yourself. Celebrate Recovery is a support group program that many churches offer. You can also look for a counselor for yourself in your area as a good support as you consider what is healthy for you to do next.
I have a theory: if hubby is under 30 and wants sex with you only once a week or once every two weeks, it could be a PORN PROBLEM. Unless he has a job thats extremely physical and takes EVERYTHING out of him—men are ready every 72 hours as a rule
Sapphire,
You are exactly right. I am an older woman 60 and have been married for over twenty years. My husband has been doing this for a long time. He is 63 but he can no longer function with me. He’s told me that he is not attracted to me anymore which I can understand because I am older. But from what I understood from a counselor was that weight usually doesn’t matter if you have a good relationship. I could never form the good relationship with the young women online. I was 38 when I had married him and weighed 110. He says it’s my fault because I don’t do anything to make him turned on. I had sex five times a day with my first husband and this husband is just really addicted. The reason why I am responding is that I have noticed in the several offices where I have worked over the last 10 years, many twenty something women are complaining and I have always believed that it was the porn. The porn will turn their private parts to a weenie after some time. I also found out that they become immune to what they are viewing and some keep wanting to see younger and younger women until they reach the unthinkable.
My husband is horrible he doesnt care at all how it makes me feel. He cant admit he has a problem. It sickens me all together how he hides it lies about it and sometimes when i catch him he will deny it. Sometimes i think we r ok. Then i fjnd out he has been looking a porn basically everytime he goes to the bathroom etc. I told him its a huge turnoff for me he doesnt care i ask him if im not good enough he lies to me and tells me i am. I tried just talking to him about it and its always some huge lie to just get me to shut up. He doesnt care about anyone but himself. I finally blurted out that he is the 30yr old creep behind the computer. I almost didnt marry him beacuse of porn but decided i loved him and he said he was willing to get help. We have been married 7yrs and it hasnt stopped.i hate him sometimes for it. I guess despite us buying a house and moving up in life im incrediabley unhappy and feel a little guilty for it and i shouldn’t its not fair.
Hey Brandi, I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing in your marriage. I think it sadly is the case (studies are showing this) that pornography addiction does create that sense destructive entitlement that you’re experiencing with your husband.
I don’t know if you’ve read our free download, Hope After Porn? It’s several women telling their stories of recovery; there’s a lot about boundaries and what you can do, besides feel angry and trapped! I also wonder if you’ve ever read Boundaries in Marriage, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend?
And after all you’ve been through, it sounds to me like you could really use some support, maybe a local Celebrate Recovery group or personal counseling. The American Association of Christian Counselors is a good place to check.
Sapphire,
I absolutely believe in your theory my boyfriend is 26 and he just revealed to me yesterday he is a porn addict. I honestly didn’t know what the problem was..we have been together for two years and most of the time we have sex once a week, sometimes less. I knew it had something to do with him but I thought low libido or something. Although it did bother me that I knew he could get off to porn. I just didn’t know how often he was doing it. Now that I do know he said he will just focus on other things and that he won’t do it anymore. At this point it is hard to believe, mainly because the whole time we’ve been together we’ve had problems with this. He was single though for five years before me, so he was basically “dating porn.” He was really scared yesterday before he told me that because I told him that I was so tired of being told he didn’t want to have sex with me which I am constantly told. I said I was at the end of my ropes with this and it has to change or I was basically done. I was to the point where I didn’t want to do anything with him or touch him period because it started to make me feel like a monster. This has been emotional straining so I hope he is serious about making a change and working on us. Thank you for your post sorry my comment was long. Just thought about my situation with your theory!
If your boyfriend is serious about quitting porn–which is great–he’s going to need help! He might appreciate this article which has some suggestions he could follow up. If he’s already, at age 26, struggling with erectile dysfunction, then he will need more than just good intentions. A group like Sex Addicts Anonymous could be really helpful to him. You might also appreciate S Anon, as that will give you support and a safe place to process your emotions while considering what healthy boundaries might look like for you, going forward.
He said he is serious and he usually does it in the morning and its become a routine and I actually just bought him an Xbox one for his birthday. So he said instead of doing that he will play on the Xbox. He said he isn’t too worried that he won’t be able to stop. He also told me though that he’s tried to quick before. I have opened communication with him so he feels free to talk to me going forward I have also just worked on encouraging him to join a forum where he can openly talk to others that are or have been through this. He is very much in the shame part of being an addict! But I think the fact that he finally opened up to me about it is a start! I also told him relays is normal and that he should just be honest that if it happens hr tells me ‘ I don’t want to have sex because I got off on porn today ‘ instead of just ‘no’ because then at least I won’t feel like its because of me he doesn’t want to have sex. I have dealt with many addictions so I understand the healing process. I also let him know that his honesty with me will not turn into a fight, that I refuse to fight with him because he is trying to overcome an addiction. I will definitely have him check out these articles as well.
Well he has already relapsed!!!! I sent him the articles and everything ughh I don’t know how much more of this I can take!! :( I’m the only one that’s trying here which is crazy because its not my addiction its HIS addiction!! I don’t even know why he told me its not like he cares to stop!!! Ugh!!!!!
Yes. I don’t think there are easy answers to this. You can’t fix it for him. He has to take responsibility for his own recovery. Meanwhile, you can take responsibility for yourself by getting support, processing your emotions and decisions with safe people, and deciding what healthy boundaries you need to have. I think we would all like to believe that “love conquers all,” but in fact it never overrides free will. We always have choices to make. It’s really sad when people we love make terrible choices, I know. Blessings as you work out what healthy choices you can make. Kay
I am 26 and My husband is 27. We have been married for only about 7 months now. Just this evening I confronted him about girls he was searching on a social media site. He had no reasoning as to why he did. He than admitted to me that he has a problem with Porn. I am losing my mind. I asked him to leave me alone because I feel like my whole marriage is a lie and basically down the drain. I have lost all trust in him. I feel completely worthless and my heart is broken. We both know God, but I feel like his secret is so past recovery. Reading these comments helps to know that I am not alone.
Hey Alicia. You are certainly not alone! I’m glad your husband was able to admit that he has a problem with porn and acting out on social media. The good news is, he CAN make good choices for himself and recover. He’ll have to do some hard work, though. Here’s an article for men that talks about successful recovery. And here’s a free download, Your Brain on Porn, that can help him understand why he’s doing what he’s doing. Most men find that they need support through counseling or a group like SA during recovery.
Meanwhile, make sure that you get the support you need to process your emotions and decide on healthy boundaries for yourself, through counseling and/or a group (Celebrate Recovery. Blessings, Kay
I can’t believe this is happening. I’ve lived with a man for 25 yrars. Sex has been very good but he always wanted other wemon. He was on dating sites. I caught him so many times. Now I find out he’s been watching filthy discusting pirn. Even teen sites that advertise teen pirn. I was told he will go yo child porn next. I’m moving out of state because of this. He lies and says he won’t do it again and does. On Thanksgiving day he looked at sites all day. The last year’s he could never finish, I know why now. He blames it on his antidepressant. He’s spinning out of control. When he sees a sex female actress on TV he Google her name looking for a nude pic. Why is this happening. I’m being forced out of my home of 9 years, I have to leave my pets behind. Are they safe with him? Will he rape them next? Please help me, someone help me, please help me.
Hi Christine,
I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. I’m glad you’ve been able to create healthy boundaries for yourself by moving out. I’m sure your pets will be fine, and I hope you can be reuinited with them soon. I want to encourage you continue in healthy boundaries, and to find help and support for yourself in this. A counselor just for you would be a good help, and a support group could be great too.
What PORN is doing —causing IMPOTENCE IN YOUNG MEN! i never thought young men could become this way until reading how women arent having sex with husbands except once a MONTH, and then THEY have ot BEG for it–cause hubby is DONE! Women need to get upset even more than now
50 Shades of Grey is the book of female porn–it could affect us MORE than men since we have a ‘spaghetti’ brain
men and women can stop porn viewing BUT little could take the images out of your head–they could be in there forever
I had a long distance relationship with my fiancé who I stayed with he used porn before I met him. And while we were on webcam he used it with me until I caught him. I still feel worthless he quit and attends meetings for 2 years now. But he really has no desire for sex with me unless he wants it. I suffer daily for the past 3 years. Hes been reading books on how to relearn everything. There’s really nothing I can do wear say to him to turn him on. I’m lonely and sick feeling everyday. I forgave him and love am inlove with him.. I stayed cause he admitted it and got help. I never yelled or said bad things to him but when I complain about what I want he acts like its my fault but say I had nothing to do with it and sometimes makes the wrong comments like well I had you here on the screen and porn in the other corner. The clicking mouse drove me nuts till I realized what it was. He would rather fly planes on the pc or read his kindle. We started a life together I also have grown kids my daughter who lives with us. She has seen me suffer from the first knowing of it. I want to be loved not just him give me signals and then go to bed.
Florence, I am so sorry for the pain you have suffered these last few years. Recovery involves much more than simply stopping the sexual acting out. Addicts almost always also struggle with lying, anger, selfishness, other addictive escaping behaviors (like video games), and a lack of empathy for those they have harmed. It sounds like your fiance is not truly in recovery. I also wonder if he has even truly stopped the pornography according to his low sex drive with you. You didn’t mention if you ended up marrying him, but it sounds like you haven’t. After three years of such misery and with no vows or papers tying you to him, do you think you may be better off leaving the relationship? When someone has been attending meetings and claims to be in recovery for two years and yet things have not changed much between the two of you, something is not right. If you were marreid to this man my advice would be different, but since you are not it sounds like removing yourself from this painful situation may be the best idea. The initial breaking of the attachment bond, comfort and security you have formed with him will be so difficult, but once you move past that you will be able to focus on picking up the pieces of your own life and healing for yourself. You will be able to experience joy again. You did nothing to cause this and you deserve better.
I was just wondering how many of you have actually caught your man in the act? I can’t tell you how many times that I have caught mine or even heard him. I just don’t understand why he does this. We have been together for 20yrs and this has really gotten worse in last 3yrs.I had caught him a few times previously before but I just brushed it off as nothing. But it has gotten so bad now, the he has done when family and friends has came by to visit. And I have gotten to the point to where I don’t even invite anyone over anymore. When I try to talk to him about it he either says that he was doing nothing or like now it’s none of my business.
Tell him it is your business. While I don’t think you need to be rude to him, you should be firm: he needs to know that you don’t approve his use of porn and you think it is harming your relationship. It is harming your relationship both because of how it is shaping his sexuality and because of the secrecy around it.
Been married now for four years and my experience has been so similar. He is an addict who is in denial. We hardly have sex but we want kids so we did some tests. I have always thought I was the one who had fertility problems turns out he has low sperm counts. He has deny that as well so he refuse to do the follow up tests. I have gained over 100lbs because of it. I feel like he is wasting my time. We have been to counselling where he says I have gotten fat so I don’t turn him on. Its depressing . we can have sex but he does not come for years. Yet people around me are getting pregnant having kids while I hit 35 childless known him for over 9 yrs.
Porn and infertility. That is a lot of grief to bear. It sounds like your counseling experiences have been directed toward the marriage relationship, but I’m wondering where you turn for support in all this? I often find that the addiction becomes the focus of the marriage–or the infertility becomes the focus–and these are things that you may have very little control over. Meanwhile, you need supportive relationships as you walk through those painful places. I wonder if a group like Celebrate Recovery could be helpful as you consider where to go from here?
I have been with ny husband for 10 years 5 married years I knew he had watched porn because he showed me a couple videos but I just never cared for it our marriage was wonderful and our sex life was great he began to notice that he would not get a full erection so he began to research y? He then learned that porn was the root of the problem as soon as he learned this he stoped it he says he has not seen it again and will never since he does not want to loose his family over this I love him and I want to help him he has gotten very jealous and as I was researching I read that we should not have any sex for a while so we are doing that I’m scared I want to know how to help him or if we are taking the right steps so this addiction will end and we can have a chance
Hey Jasmine. I’m glad you wrote in!
So it sounds like your husband has taken some good first steps toward getting his issues under control, which is great. He will probably need support in his journey, as recovery usually takes time and hard work. Here’s an article with some ideas for him in that area. It’s really important for both of you to understand that most of the work will be HIS work.
Your work will be to have good boundaries, and to process through your emotions in a healthy way. Here are a couple of free downloads that might be helpful: Porn and Your Husband, and Hope After Porn.
As far as abstaining from sex goes, in the recovery process. The idea behind that is to give his brain a chance to recover from the chemical bath that porn use brings. That’s where the ED comes from–the body gets overwhelmed by all the chemicals from so much arousal, and it needs a chance to heal from that overload and return to a healthy state. Different experts say different things about that, and I think you just have to use your discretion.
Many times, women are afraid to abstain from sex because they want to make sure their husbands don’t look at porn. I don’t think that’s a particularly healthy use of sexual intimacy! Hopefully you’ll be able to arrive at the place where your sexual intimacy reflects your emotional intimacy.
I just spent 3 hours reading this blog and never made it to the end… What is obvious to me now is that I’m not alone in what I am going through. I don’t even need to post my story because it sounds like everyone’s story that has posted here. What I would like to share with this site is how I am shaking uncontrollably after reading all the messages. I truly feel it is beyond my control and no matter how much I love and try to understand it doesn’t change the way I cannot stop shaking and trembling over truly knowing now that I must leave and get away from this.. There is no cure, no understanding that will compel him to stop. He doesn’t believe in God and all the virtues that come with believing so my feelings fall onto deaf ears. I like to still think I am the confident woman but my situation as the wife of a porn addicted husband for 8 yrs is killing my focus and confidence as a human being. I work in medical research and reading all of this is overwhelming evidence that i am killing myself, my spirit and my own health if I continue to stay with this man. He presents himself as everyone here has described “everything else is wonderful in our marriage”! In fact he is probably jerking off to porn, live cam, or sex dating sites as I write this!’ He even has an email !! He uses this email for sexual pleasure. I’m attractive, I weigh 120lbs and I’m 5.6 tall. I take care of myself and I work out 3 times a week to stay toned. I am a confident career and self supporting woman, many men are attracted to me and I hang glide and scuba dive, camp, fish and hunt as hobbies if my own making..i am my own person and don’t expect my husband to be my only source of happiness and by no means do I rely on his financial support…yet he has continued on for years with his porn addiction. What in saying is it has nothing to do with the person they are with…but it can destroy the person they are with and make that person question their purpose in life because you feel so unimportant due to the lack of care of your feelings by someone you thought loved you. But this person allowed their own selfish needs to come first and always first…their needs are more important than yours. Now that I realize this and this is the fact and a man that doesn’t believe in God has no reason to be convicted about anything..a dirt bath after death like he believes we will ALL take is a go ahead to do what he desires in this life with only the consequents of divorce..which is worth it to him not to have to reprogram his brain. After all he enjoys the way he has programed his brain in sexuality, its the most satisfying form he can imagine. Although I love him dearly like most everyone loves their partner on this site.. Love will and cannot fix or repair the damage that has been done. I must look to step out of this sick darkness for myself. I will read everything I’ve downloaded from this site while I “reprogram” my brain to move on with my life and leave the pain behind..
Hi Sandy. I’m so, so sorry for the pain you’re going through. It does sound like your husband is making some pretty extreme acting-out behaviors that do call for strong boundaries on your part. I hope the things you’ve found here will be helpful to you. Just in case you didn’t find our free download, Hope After Porn, I’ll link you to that here. I think there IS hope, there IS healing, but each person in the relationship has to make those healthy, hopeful choices for themselves. Whatever your husband chooses, YOU can choose good health and healing.
One of the things I find so often is that women underestimate the damage to themselves when a marriage is in this kind of turmoil. I hope you’ll be sure to find support for yourself as you move forward. Personal counseling can be a huge help. And there are many groups that support spouses: Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, Al Anon.
Blessings, Kay
My husband is addicted to porn.he watch’s stuff on line on TV. Every night, he is seeing a prostate once a month and she is taken all his money my koning him out of all his money by getting him to buy expensive stuff and return them and keeps the mony, gets that but he can not stop he says he loves me. He is suicidel, and it scares me I know some day he will kill him self, any sigjustyuns on how to deal with this problem please. We are trying to make it work I am hoping we do that we have been together for 20 years so really want to make this our marriage work I do not want to leave him my thought is you for sicker or poor and I know he is sick, there was a time when are sex life was bad I was too fat no sex at all, I left him for a bit he wanted me to come back and work on things, and he holds me in bed we have sex a couple times a week, but when the weekend comes he dose watch’s all day gets depressed sisydale and that really upsets me so much, I do not want him to do that. What do I do to easier on me and how to get him to stop getting this way he is also a alcoholic too so it dose get bad when he drinks wisky what should I do?
Hi Gail,
What a difficult situation you’re in. I am so, so sorry.
If your husband is suicidal, please take him to your nearest hospital emergency room. If he’s not willing to go there, and you are seriously concerned for his safety, you can call 911 and your local police will come to assist you.
It does sound like he needs real help, and I urge you to get him to professional medical care as soon as possible.
Praying for you, Kay
I Am married and separated from a woman that Everybody had the hots for! I’m a good person and get pleasure from giving pleasure to the person that I love ! I’m a porno lover and she knew that when she married me! I Didn’t really want another woman! I wanted variety! The pornography and chat lines are fantasy world wants to let you know what really arouses and stimulates him . He WANTS you to find something that you are ok with as a starting point for compromise! He will never leave you if you don’t leave and abandon HIM!!