I answer a lot of letters from women dealing with the discovery of porn in their marriages. Mostly, they are shocked and hurt and alone, wondering where to go from here. While I answer every one of those letters individually, over time I’ve realized there are some things I almost always say, in one form or another.
So, for women who need to hear these things today, here you go…
1. It’s normal to feel bad. Really, really bad.
Many women who discover their husband’s porn use will end up meeting the medical criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Most people think of PTSD as something only combat vets face, but anyone who faces traumatic circumstances—such as discovering that your marriage is nothing like you thought it was—can suffer from the same range of symptoms: elevated anxiety, sleeplessness, lack of appetite, hypervigilance, nightmares, flashbacks, etc.
Related: Betrayal Trauma–The Side of Porn Use No One Talks About
It’s important for us to understand the severity of the impact of porn use on spouses, so that we recognize the spouse’s need for treatment.
I always make this first point, because…
2. It’s pretty common for men to get treatment while spouses get nothing.
I hear this story all the time: “My husband goes to groups, and we’ve been to couples therapy. But I still feel really upset. He’s doing fine, and I’m not.”
Here’s the deal. Men’s groups are great for men. Couples therapy might help keep the marriage together. But if nobody has attended to the pain that the wife has experienced, if nobody’s helped her process that in a safe place, then she’s still got that pain. I’ve seen women who still have PTSD, even though her husband is managing himself well, and they’ve had successful couple’s therapy.
This is my advice to women: See a therapist. Join a group. Just for you. No matter what your husband chooses, good or bad, you choose life and health for you. Get help for you.
Related: 5 Steps to Continue Healing from Betrayal Trauma
3. I see men reacting to a porn discovery in one of two ways, generally: relief or blame.
The “relief” group of men is so glad the story is out. While it’s a huge shock for the wife, the guy feels instantly better, out from under a load of secrecy, and very often feels that he’s been healed of the problem. The “relief” group tends to minimize the problem by thinking it’s all over now.
The “blame” group, on the other hand, minimizes the problem by projecting their shame onto the outside world. They blame women who take their clothes off in front of cameras, feminism for destroying marriage in America today, wives for letting themselves go or being too fat or not giving enough sex or being too demanding, etc. God for making men like this to begin with.
4. Recovery takes time and hard work from both partners.
Whatever reaction you get at the beginning—relief or blame—the road to recovery is long and it requires the hard work of both partners, if the relationship is going to survive.
For the porn user, the road to recovery begins with taking responsibility for self. It progresses to having empathy and respect for the spouse. It includes being vigilant with the practical work of change. It means processing the emotional and spiritual pain that has been shielded by porn use for years. It means getting back up, every single time you fall, taking responsibility, and moving forward.
For the spouse, recovery means a lot of hard work too. It begins with facing reality and taking responsibility for emotional and spiritual recovery, regardless of your partner’s choices. It means seeking support through a therapist, a group, trusted friends. It means educating yourself and remaining aware of what’s going on in your partner’s recovery world, while continuing to take responsibility for you.
5. Change is possible, hope is real. Not easy. Real.
We don’t always get a fairy tale ending in this life with bluebirds singing and hearts and flowers following us off into the sunset. Sometimes the change that we want doesn’t happen at the rate that we want, or at all. Sometimes the change happens inside of us, instead of in the relationship. That’s a tough reality. That’s a different kind of hope.
What we know for sure, though, is that Love never lets us go. Nothing separates us from Love. Nothing. Ultimately, that is our real, true hope.
What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.
Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:31-39, NLT)
In the last few years, I’ve discovered that many of the pictures and videos online are made with sexual slaves. Kids, some stolen, some sold, many many without hope. Sex trade isn’t always in the dark room without pictures. It would shock you the amount of young children and young women abused sexually that end up in front of a camera of no will of their own. Be careful whom you judge.
One can be a Christian and still have porn. What is everyone so scared of? Porn can be a healthy tool utilized in marriage by both partners to save marriages, help 2 people really connect, trust, share, love and grow stronger to withstand temptations of affairs and secret lives.
Becca,
Thank you for sharing your honest opinion. I would have to disagree with you, as we at Covenant Eyes believe that porn has no place in any person’s life, regardless of their relationship status. To further this belief, I would encourage you to read our blog post, “Can Married Couples Enjoy Pornography Together?”
Blessings,
Moriah
Just wondering how it is that no one has addressed to Steven the MILLIONS of men also posting pictures and videos of themselves? Double standard much?
The truth of it is women and men today view lots of porn. So yes there are men and woman out making it. It is the viewer to persevere and overcome. You are the only one who can choice what you do or view. Only you have say in the decisions you make everyday. There is an age of accountability (to know right from wrong) and once you have reached this age only you can be blamed for your actions not moms, dads, what happened to you growing up or society. Only you decide what you future you choose.
After reading this debate, I can tell you each you both make good points. However, Steven, you are giving in to your temptation, biology or not.. that was not me saying your wrong, just that instead of blame or tying to prove who has the bigger brain part (hehe), accept that sexual content is a form of temptation.
And as for you, Kay, I respect your opinion, but you are being a hypocrite. When your child makes a mess with markers, writing on the walls and all… you take them away from the kid and clean it up. Problem is, women HAVE posted their own sexual content all over the internet (and since you have no idea what God really thinks… because you are not Him), and unless you plan on “taking that away” from the world, then deal with it. I appreciate and respect you opinions, but will read no further response to my comment. Thanks for your time to let me call it like I see it.
Steven,
How is it that you find your way onto these millions of sites where women post nudie pictures? Do you have no control over which sites you click on? Just wondering. You seem to be familiar with, and talk as if you are an authority on how many sites are out there. How is it that you came by this knowledge? And why were you ever in a position to figure out this information? Could it be choice? The free will choice each and every one of us was given?
Addicts have a true struggle, I give you that. Alcoholics can blame every single restaurant/bar/corner liquor shop/grocery stores for making alcohol too available. Same with smokers. Online gamers. And any other type of addiction out there. You managing you is all you are responsible for. When you go to heaven you are not going to get to say “Eve made me do it”. That is Christianity 101. You choose those mouse clicks. You choose those TV channels. You choose what your look at. No one is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to do so. If you are that filled with lust for women, you might consider that maybe you are possibly dangerous to women around you. I am a woman who personally would not feel safe around you. That’s not some porn star’s fault. That’s not my fault for being a woman. And if you are married, I am certain that you do not value your wife or you would get control of your lust issue. Just sayin. Good luck with that.
And if people can sue Macdonalds cause they got to fat eating their food then women who’s lives that are being destroyed by free porn sites should be able to sue the porn sites. Men should have to pay the same amount for porn as they do for a prostitue. It’s the same thing. And yes porn is grounds for divorce. POV porn is made cause men like feeling like it’s really happening and it’s just him and the girls. So yes it is infidelity it is cheating it is just a bad as a man going out screwing someone and I don’t know a single woman who wouldn’t agree with me. Cause 90 percent of men bring their sick desires as a result of porn to the bedroom. It is straight 100% cheating. I consider my husbands phone the other woman, and he says she(his phone) does it for him and I just don’t anymore I’ll never be able to get his as high as his phone so yes. It is a perfectly more than good enough reason to divorce. The man literally has another woman!!! And lot of them say porn is better than a woman. It replaces a lot of us
Here are a couple of article that you might find helpful on porn and divorce: here, and here. We are with you for healthy boundaries, and relationships that are true, emotional trust-filled, honest relationships.
Porn has destroyed everything that was dear to me and my husband just says there’s something wrong with me and that I’M manipulating cause I’m so hurt and depressed that I don’t even get out of bed anymore or play with our kids or want to touch him anymore (for about a year.) I also went through an entire year before this year of “fruitless” intamacy (for me not him) with him as a result of him telling me he preferred porn over me. Then last year he told me that for every one feature I have that’s nice there are a million better women online for any and every feature I have that’s cute or for any dance I could ever do or anything. Has anyone else’s husband said and done these things to them and act like it’s no big deal and that they should get over it. But he expects me to believe that he doesn’t do it anymore . I literally have no one and I’m to embarrassed to share this and a lot of other equally deadening comments he’s made to me and about me with anyone in person, but I need help. Badly. Can anyone help. I’ve lost complete hope in men or that I will ever have a life or trust any man ever again cause of porn. It literally destroyed my lifelong dream of family. I feel like I don’t even have anything to live for anymore. And I’m 31 now so I can’t divorce and find a new man, and I don’t even know if I’ll be able to ever come close to trusting any man ever again or thinking they’re ALL a bunch of degenerate worthless disgusting perverts. I’ve been having 9.75 out of ten men since I was 3 years old trying to rape me. I’ve only met about 5 men in my entire life who hasn’t tried to molders me. I think all men are this way and it’s very hard to find one that won’t have sex with children if he had the chance. Then porn literally shows men raping 18 year old girls like it’s going out of style and men LOVE IT!!!! Is humanity lost cause of porn. Scientist also say that porn addiction LEADS TO beastiality and child molestation, is the cause of impotency, if there was a form of impotency for women my husband watching it already did that to me, I can’t even get off anymore cause I’m so disgusted with my husband about it, sadly this used to be my favorite part of our relationship now it’s the worse part in it, now they want to teach little kids to consent to sex at the age of 5 and men are now asking that children be allowed to decide whether they have sex or not and asking that raping children be mad legal, no ones kids are safe, no ones homes or marriages are safe cause of porn. What’s worse, kids that murder people, a lot of little children murdering people were watching violent porn before they killed the other person or were exposed to violent pornography before they killed the person, and scientist say that 89% of porn consumers like acts of aggression and violence in porn more than anything else. It makes me think all men who are porn addicts are automatically child molesters. And if porn is causing so much trouble, why can’t people make it illegal somehow. Or have it ordered that they stop feeding violent porn to people cause it’s causing a rape riot in men AND little boys. More and more little boys are raping other know kids cause of violent porn exposure. It seems to me like it’s destroying America. Not to mention all the people participating in porn who are proving to be mindless beasts and degenerates with no feelings or soul. Men in the porn industry PREY on 18 year olds, I had a group of men try to talk me and pressure me into doing a porn video for over a month when i was 18 and finally one of them felt bad for what they were all trying to do to me and talked to me about it. I was pressured so bad for so long I almost considered doing it but one of them asked me if later when my son is older would I care if he seen me. Or will I be ok with the fact that everyone is going to be able to seee me doing that for the rest of my life, and I KNEW then that I didn’t want to do it. NO 18 year old is responsible enough nor due they have the life experience required enough to make a decision like that that will affect their entire life like that. Girls should at least have to be 21 and not a mental case before they’re allowed to decide if they want everyone in the world being able to watch them get raped on national television for the rest of their lives. I say girls cause most women under 25-28 are just still girls. Girls breast don’t even stop developing till up to 23-25 years old. So how is it that a little girl who they’ve decided is not mature or responsible enough to have a beer yet in responsible enough to prostiute herself on public media. A descision that will affect the whole rest of her life. And honestly, what real men want to marry and have kids with a woman that his dad and brothers and own kids could watch on tv with just the push of a button? And most women say they regret porn that do it. And the one that don’t regret it yet are just the ones that are too young and nieve to even really fathom the life changing descision they are making or have made. I feel like cause of porn, phones and sex dolls and fantasies are going to replace real women as some sick attempt at population control. It ruins people’s sex life=no babies. It causes impotency! again=No babies. It causes kids to murder other kids reducing the population and turns men into mindless beasts who get so worked up by porn and want to have sex as a result of it so bad they are willing to screw and animal or a baby. Either way again=no babies. It think porn is a way bigger problem than men are wanting to admit that it is and that it should be made illegal
Hey Elizabeth,
There are a number of things that you mention here that I hope I can help with.
First of all, it is true that children “act out” what they have experienced. It is a grave concern that children who are exposed to pornography or who experience other kinds of sexual abuse will often act that out on other children.
Second, it is also true that men will often take the easy option of turning to porn rather than dealing with their emotions. Our society raises men to ignore, deny, repress, and even despise their emotions. That makes it very difficult for them to engage in emotionally healthy ways in a relationship when porn is so much easier than a real person.
Third, it is also true that children are exploited and trafficked at horrific rates around the world.
Fourth, it sounds like your husband is gaslighting you by saying that you’re the one with the problem here, when he’s unwilling to take responsibility for himself. Gaslighting creates a lot of drama that distracts from what he should be doing. It makes you question reality, rather that being able to deal with the truth and go forward honestly.
However, there are good, healthy men in the world. I know some of them, and I’m grateful for their efforts to be safe and strong against all the toxic influences they face.
I suspect that your early childhood experience of abuse, and it sounds like sexual trauma in your adolescence also, have made healthy relationships really hard for you.
It doesn’t sound like you’ve had therapy for your childhood trauma? If you haven’t, that’s what I’d suggest for you first of all. Find a therapist who is experienced in treating childhood trauma. Process through the feelings, and the patterns that were laid down in your early life, and see where you can create healthy new boundaries for yourself today. Here, here, and here are articles on boundaries that should be helpful.
You will probably also appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women when it comes to the issue of marriage betrayal. They take a trauma-informed approach in their work, which will dovetail nicely with any work on your childhood trauma.
I hope that’s helpful. Here’s the truth: whatever your husband chooses, whatever any man anywhere chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy and whole.
Peace to you,
Kay
31 is too old to find a new man??? Really? You need to get up out of bed, take yourself to a counselor and take care of your kids. Stop blaming your husband for your inability to be a parent. He may he the cause of your depression, but he is not the reason you have no interest on life. YOU have given up on life. If you are willing to allow your abusive spouse to continue to do this to you, you should not complain about how badly you hate men. You are staying in the relationship, and you are CHOOSING to do so. And while you’re too depressed to take care if your kids, who is? Him? That’s super fantastic. So he can teach them poor habits and choices and ways to be belittling human beings. STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF, GET UP AND CHANGE YOUR LIFE. If you dont want to do this, dont complain about how terrible it is. And stop behaving like all men are horrid. You are obviously finding them in the wrong places which leads me to believe you arent so perfect yourself. Take responsibility for your life, lady.
It doesn’t matter how many vain women post how many pictures on whatever websites. Its like I tell my kids, I don’t care what every one else is doing, as long as you are doing the right thing. We can’t control what others do, we can however control how we respond to those people, and if we view those pictures or not. I say this as a man, and a Christian that has struggled with porn almost all of my life. It. Is. Not. The. Posters. Fault. It was mine, and yours and whoever gives in to the temptation to click that link, or go to that website. Stop blaming others for yours, and my shortfalls. Instead, search your own heart, seek the path that the Lord wants you to take, and be blessed.