Standing in a dark Las Vegas hotel room with my ear cupped to the bathroom door, I heard a voice that I had never heard before. It was the voice of a man “chatting with” and making arrangements to meet with a prostitute later that evening. This was not the man I married eight years ago! Immediately fear seemed to strangle me. My body shook uncontrollably at just the glimpse of the depth of darkness my husband was entangled in.
This moment became just the beginning of the unveiling of my husband’s secret life of sexual addiction. I was finally seeing that his “little problem” with pornography wasn’t such a little problem at all. The next few days and weeks became his horrendous unveiling of a lifestyle of infidelity, beginning with pornography and spiraling into a limitless pit of sexual sin.
Although there were specific things Michael did that helped rebuild my trust, each action would have been meaningless apart from a foundation of true brokenness and repentance. I had seen lots of tears over the years, but genuine repentance looked very different than anything I had ever seen in him before. No longer was he just sorry he got caught or that he had to face consequences, but he was literally sick over where this addiction had taken him.
Of course, I could have forgiven Michael without continuing a relationship with him, because forgiveness only requires one. However, rebuilding trust requires two. It requires a relationship and at least the start of reconciliation.
Related: How to Tell If Your Husband Is Really in Recovery
As I worked on forgiveness, he worked on doing anything necessary for rebuilding trust in our marriage. Here are five of those things.
1. Commitment to a Full Disclosure of the Truth
Initially, there were three major dump-truck-type confessions of “junk.” But beyond that, he made a commitment to being a “truth-teller” every time a memory was triggered.
I got to where I hated the words, “Micah, I need to tell you something.” It was odd. Even though I hated hearing it, those moments of truth were also somehow rebuilding trust. We both knew that if he never disclosed those things, I would’ve never known. Yet he made the continual choice to wipe the slate clean and repair the foundation that had been cracked with lies.
2. Took Full Responsibility
His lifestyle cost us a lot. It nearly destroyed our marriage, small business, finances, reputation, friendships, family relationships, and testimony—pretty much everything that was important to us.
Previously, he was the king of excuses. After real repentance, however, he no longer tried to minimize, deny, or justify his actions or their consequences. He didn’t try to shift the blame to someone else. Instead, I saw him consistently take ownership of his actions by humbling himself before others and me, admitting his wrongs, and asking for the opportunity to make the wrongs right.
3. Willingly Set Up Boundaries
Initially, I gave him a list of practical things he could do that would help me see that he was sincerely striving for purity. I never had to enforce or nag about these issues. He willingly put up boundaries in his life, and then set up others on his own. Boundaries will look a little different for everyone, but some of the boundaries looked like this:
- Being accountable to other godly men.
- Submitting to godly marriage counseling and cooperating with anything asked of him.
- Installing Screen Accountability and not being on an unprotected computer.
- Changing cell phone number; getting rid of old contacts.
- Having no unaccountable time.
- Giving me a list of all e-mail accounts and passwords.
- Going to bed at the same time I did.
- Not watching anything that could trigger lustful desires.
Related: Boundaries for Couples Facing Porn Addiction
4. Pursued Other Forms of Intimacy Besides Sex
After our separation, Michael initiated a 90-day abstinence period in order to work on building emotional and spiritual intimacy back into our marriage.
That time was both fulfilling and draining. It was draining because issues surfaced that we couldn’t gloss over with sex. We had to deal with them.
But it was fulfilling because it took the pressure of physical intimacy off the table. It allowed us to actively pursue rebuilding our relationship with physical intimacy as the overflow of our emotional and spiritual intimacy. It also helped to “reset” his brain chemically and prove to us both that sex was no longer going to be an idol in his life.
Related: 10 Ways to Build Intimacy Apart From Sex.
5. Passionately Pursued God
Without a doubt, the most important thing he did to rebuild my trust was to passionately pursue God. In his own strength, I knew that I would never be able to trust him again. He’d tried in the past to quit viewing porn on his own. The results were always a deeper spiral of degrading sin. I determined that as long as I saw an active pursuit on his part, and I saw evidence of the Spirit’s work in his life, then I was going to choose to trust. I may not be able to trust him, but I could trust the Lord in him!
This may be a good start, but it’s just that…a start. I can still hear my counselor saying, “Trust is lost by the bucketfuls, and gained by the dropfuls. The only way to rebuild trust is by consistency over a period of time.”
To anyone looking in, we were a hopeless case. The sin was just too extensive. It took no less than the supernatural power of God and two willing hearts to do the tough work of obedience. That was six years ago. Despite near destruction, our marriage continues to flourish as Michael continues to walk in purity and submission to the Lord.
I am interested to know if there was a root cause to this problem? if its been identified was was the subconscious misbeliefs that drove the behaviour? take 5 year to heal
I have asked for this article to be removed. I have posted on Facebook the following: THE WORST ADVICE! This does not heal relationships. IT DESTROYS. Men “confessing” to women makes them babies answering to Mommies. My professional work is successfully helping men stop sexual acting out behaviors. The FIRST thing I teach them is how to know if a woman is a co-addict who needs to stop HER behaviors found at cosa-recovery.org/behaviors.html (see number 12 for snoopervising). My clients have much better marriages and sexual sobriety that I attribute to dignity and integrity from confidence in their impulse control and emotional regulation skills. STOP TREATING MEN LIKE CHILDREN. PLEASE! [note: I am asking Covenant Eyes to stop promoting this POISON.] CONFESSIONS do NOT rebuild trust. They increase the emasculation. Accountability partners MUST be other men who share good values.
We’re actually with you, at least to a certain extent: we recommend against spouses being the sole accountability partner, especially in early recovery when the porn user inevitably will fall. In general, we subscribe to the philosophy that Dr. Doug Weiss describes: that the wife should choose how much she gets to know, but, as he explains, “the addict’s thought-life can be overwhelming for a wife,” and as you say, each man needs another man who shares good values as his primary Accountability Partner.
Regarding this story, it’s meant to be descriptive, not prescriptive. This is what saved this couple’s marriage, but every situation will be different.
I ask one simple question doctor- are you a christian? If not, by what authority, do you join this forum defaming Covenant Eyes and advising christian men?
Fantastic! Men got the lust, but women love that lust in men. The power it gives them is addicting! You got it!
I agree. I just found out that my husband has been viewing porn and masturbating at work…He found a way around the filters on the work computers. He’s been on CE for several years, and has find a way around that as well. He’s been lying to his accountability partner this entire time. He’s been looking at soft core on FB, which doesn’t show up on CE. I have ZERO safety from his lust. He’s found a way to break every boundary we set together as a couple. You can’t make them “be, or do anything”. He is going to do what he wants…unfortunately. He seems contrite but that’s always the way…isn’t it? He’s sorry he got caught…again. It’s the masturbating at work I can’t deal with, and looking at porn as his nurses walk in and out of the office…any time of the day, no rhyme or reason. He hasn’t been caught yet…at least that what he says.
Clifford Moore–
Thanks for the response. I’ll do what you say. It’s such a struggle but I’m hanging in there.
Jeannine T–
I’ll be praying for you and your marriage. I’m sure God doesn’t want it to break up. Maybe separation is what will do it for him. I know you are disheartened by his refusal to change and it seems like there is no hope when you hear things from him about how he still thinks porn is great after all this time, but miracles do happen and flawed people do change because God is greater than any sin imaginable. His mercy is considered one of His greatest attributes so whatever you do, do with God and listen to him. He might have paired you two together for this reason. For Your husband, it might mean the saving of his soul and for you prayer, patience and perseverance. Just like Clifford Moore told me before your post, you aren’t in this alone. We are all in this together because Christians are a body of unity
I’m in my fifties and have struggled with porn addiction for 15 years – ever since I got the internet in my home. I have an amazing wife and two adult daughters. I’ve confessed my addiction to my wife & pastor at the urging of the Holy Spirit.
I guess I’d just like to say to spouses out there that if their man is a real Christian, he HATES his addiction but loves it at the same time. An addict knows in the “long term” his addiction will ruin him, but in the “short term” it gives him escape. I believe it’s all about ESCAPE. Who doesn’t hate themselves at times, or their life? Porn/promiscuity offers a “way out”. It’s very brief, and the addict knows it won’t last BUT – it’s such a great escape. Yes, it’s all a fantasy that dissolves into a harsher reality after every consumption – it truly is poison that kills us a little or a lot more each time – and YET – for that brief while I can escape who I am or where I’m at. And for most of us, porn has been programmed into our hardwiring at an early age as teenagers or even earlier.
Porn is EVERYWHERE today. Watch the Oscars and see exposed breasts – and yes impossible to believe the day has come – exposed vaginas. That said, what some women wear to the evangelical church I attend makes me cringe. What are they thinking? And not just the teens but often the mothers as well. Short skirts, high heels, lots of cleavage . . . Whatever happened to modesty? Christian women you’ve gotta know this is NOT the way to dress. Is it a man’s fault that this kind of inappropriate dress triggers him? Educate yourselves, your daughters. “Slutty” is in style in the world, but we’re not supposed to be conformed to the world.
And the Internet is a sea of porn. You must protect your children as much as possible in your home. Boys will always be exposed to it by their friends but gotta keep your home computers free of it. How as Christians can we NOT use the internet these days? It seems to be the basis for almost all facets of modern life. And yet porn is always only a “click” away. Lord help us!
Bob
Thank you for your comments Bob! I share your frustration, especially in regards to the dress in church. There are a few things I think will help curb some of the worldliness we see in the church.
1) The church needs to place a higher value on holiness.
2) Godly men and women need to disciple the next generation.
3) Godly men in the church need to be willing to stand up to the women as a whole and LOVINGLY say that this type dress isn’t tolerable.
That being said, we need to love those who struggle in that area just as much as anyone else, knowing that they too are deceived by the enemy, but at the same time be willing to speak the truth. Also, we do need to remember that the church is full of lost people! Many of those women who I may be tempted to be critical of, are really just being an outward reflection of the inward condition of their hearts. So, that being said, I would never approach an unbeliever in the same way I would approach a believer.
Thank you again for your comments. I agree that the only hope we have is Christ. The days are becoming increasingly dark and none of us can afford to be complacent in the battle! Blessings, Bob.
I had it too. No longer. Revelation will free you. Mine was slow. Also, I never accepted delving deep into it, I self limited using only the minimum content for my fix. I was in a constant communication asking for revelation. I felt empty, the visual no longer worked, and I desired sharing. I saw that the sharing did not exist and I was left with a hole. The hole was probably the size of the sun. I wished to die. Porn did not work for me anymore, I now knew of my hole. I did pursue affairs, but I could not bring myself to it. I would rather die alone then drag others into my abyss, perhaps love is my weakness. I engaged my wife, heavily, giving to her. No abstinence for me, I did the opposite. Incidentally, during one of my affair encounters, I began to see the power trip that some women get from stimulating this lust in men. She had me pretty close to tears enticing me with what I knew I would not betray. I am still getting over that woman, and my bet is that I never will. Such is the power of this matter. We as men must not hate these women addicted to their power anymore than wome should hate us for or lust. My wife keeps me well, so their power is not strong upon me. I do try to look away in general, and I will offer nothing but kindness regardless, which not all men do. I think perhaps that topic becomes part2 of the story.
Sorry, you sound like a creep. If your mindset is in the correct place it does not matter what you deem appropriate or inappropriate dress. It would not seem provocative, if you look at those women as the beautiful wives, mothers, daughters and women who belong to Christ that they are. How dare you try to lay your perverted thinking at the feet of any woman. You are soley responsible for your thoughts, that only you can control. You sound like your escaping is due to being unhappy with who you are and you dont like yourself. It sounds like you are escaping you. I think you should change the way you look at and think of women and change yourself in a way that makes you happy to be you. And learn to have fun sex with YOUR WIFE!
Thanks for this, Barb. I agree with you that the objectification of women is the problem, not the way they are dressed. Blaming women for the way they dress is just a way to avoid taking responsibility for your own behaviors. Thanks for pointing that out. Kay
@ Bob, I sympathize with your struggle. As the wife of a recovering porn addict, I greatly sympathize with men in general in the porn-saturated world we unfortunately live in. I agree that we must pursue holiness and righteousness from a pure heart educating everyone (men and women alike) of the reality of triggers that people addicted to porn and recovering from that addiction face; however, I will NOT stand for women being treated as the root cause of this scourge in our society or a man falling into temptation…dressing immodestly undoubtedly may cause the temptation, but does not cause the sin- that’s up to the individual person. We must all be responsible for our own choice to act on temptation or flee temptation. Legalism and unfair gender treatment IS NOT okay, but pursuing what the Bible says is a MUST! I have had to wade through the devastation of what my husband has done and how he lied to me over a significant period of time, but I have forgiven him and I’m on his side. We are a team and he is passionately pursuing recovery through Jesus, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. But in no way will I abide people blaming women and using gender bias in a negative form to shut down productive ways we can take this head on in the church.
This is an excellent sermon with hope and practical strategies for conquering a porn addiction. It is free. I am not selling this or trying to get web traffic or something. I am just a father who is helping his son get past this and discovered this message: http://www.praize.com/videos/Detailed/Multiple_Ministries/Breaking_Porn_Addiction_Through_Grace_J1004.html
Thank you for sharing your story. It brought me to tears. I found out that my husband has had a lifelong porn addiction shortly after we were married. I have struggled with whether or not it would be biblical to separate from him, as he is not at all repentant. In fact, he has recently, today in fact, asked me to just accept this, and suggested that it might help me to so this if I would participate with him in the viewing of porn and subsequent masturbation. So today, as painful as this decision is, I have made the decided to separate from my husband. I now have just returned home from work, when this article showed up in my email.
*hug*
That’s a rough spot to be in. Keep praying for him. Hopefully a separation will be the wakeup call he needs. If you haven’t already done so, check out Hope After Porn for stories of wives in similar situations.
Jeannine, I’m so sorry! I know exactly the struggle you’re talking about. I too wrestled with whether or not a separation could be justified biblically. In fact, there was a point when I knew in my heart that that was where the Lord was leading me, but I just fought with Lord over it. One morning after falling asleep the night before begging the Lord for answers, he led me to Jer. 3 in my quiet time and confirmed what he wanted me to do. In Jer. 3 the Lord issues his people a certificate of divorce, however if you continue reading you’ll see that it came with a promise of full and complete restoration of fellowship if they would only repent of their ways. So, really it was more of a separation. The Lord showed me that my separating from him was really me getting out of the way so that the Lord could do His major heart surgery on him. I wasn’t giving up on our marriage; I was releasing my husband to the Lord.
Secondly, pain is good. It lets us know that there’s a problem. If we as wives never allow our husbands to feel the consequences to there sin, then often times they won’t realize there’s a problem. God disciplines those he loves. You love your husband enough to not allow him to continue hurting God, himself, you, and many others I’m sure.
Thirdly, draw closely to the Lord like never before. You are in the perfect position to hear from Him! Although I hated being in that painful place, I sure loved the sweetness of the intimacy I had with Him. And don’t try to look too far into the future. Just let the Lord guide you day by day. He WILL show you exactly which steps to take, if you will just ask. Walk carefully. Even well meaning Christians will try to give you advise that doesn’t measure up to what the Lord is telling you to do. Seek Him first in EVERY decision you make during this time (and every time really). Praying for you!!
There is a wonderful healing ministry to free men from pornography – Pure Desire by Dr. Ted Roberts along with his wife Diane Roberts who helps the wife deal with the trauma from her husband. There is real hope in this process! Their latest DVD – Conqueror Series is a must as well for understanding the why/how/ etc and what must be done for healing…by both the husband and the wife!
Thank you Micah! I’m sorry you and your husband have had such a hard time but I’m grateful that you shared what you did. I’m a 32 year old Christian pretty much alone in my beliefs where I currently live. I have an addiction to pornography that I’m trying to overcome because I wish to be pure of heart and a good husband if I ever get married. I’ve been praying that if it’s in God’s will that he send me a spouse. I haven’t looked at pornography in about two weeks and was fighting a strong urge to view it when I heard I received an email. I opened it and read your story and it has given me the grace for now to continue to resist because it reminded me that the sin of pornography hurts more than just the viewer. I really wish to have a holy marriage one day and to see how it transformed your husband put some sense back into my head. I’ll keep y’all in my prayers and thank you for taking the hard but right road. Also, thanks be to God for giving both of you the grace to do it. Pornography brings such a spiritual blindness that seems to sneak up in unforeseen moments of weakness. It’s so hard
Micah, your comment on your husband initiating a 90 day fast from intimacy caught my attention as a similar commitment has been of significant healing for my wife and I. I committed to fasting from sexual intimacy for 3 months also but my wife suggested a 3 month period where sexual intimacy would be reserved for one planned day a week. During those 6 days I have asked God to reveal more of His purposes for human sexuality as well as why He would release such a dangerous passion into creation. He’s taught me much.
But a huge unexpected blessing of this is that my wife can now receive my physical touch and kind words throughout the week without doubting my motives. It has rekindled a great degree of non sexual intimacy, playfulness and relational comfort. Much more could be said, but I wonder if other marriages could be helped by planned times of prayerful abstinence in marriage.
LG,
I hear your story. I hear your want to overcome this sin. Each temptation is it’s own battle. The war over sin and temptation already has an outcome. WE WIN! We win because Christ has fought the fight for us and hold victory! Dutifully, give over very thought of temptation over to God. Be a man who prays Proverbs 4:20-27. Read it. Commit it to memory.
Also, I have done a study recently that has rocked my world. John 15, you know Jesus is the true vine. We have to abide (i.e. Make conscience effort to live in Christ) Him. Deuteronomy 32:32 tells us that the destructive vine comes from Sodom and from the fields of Gomorrah. Where are you planted? It’s a daily decision to abide in Christ.
In our selfishness, we choose not to abide in Christ but rather in the enemy and his plans. The enemy is only here to destroy you. Holdfast to God’s perfection through the Son by the power of the Spirit. Fight the fight! You are not alone! Press on and press on, Brother!
LG, I’m so sorry you feel like your having to battle this beast alone! However that’s just a lie from the enemy. Satan wants to keep you isolated and alone, but don’t let him. Pray that the Lord would send you another godly man who will do battle with you.
I didn’t understand what a dangerous and entrapping stronghold pornography is until my husband finally let me in on the reality of his battle. One thing is for sure: He did not fight this alone! Not only did we both desperately fight on our knees together, but several godly men came alongside of him and discipled him into a deeper walk with Christ. In addition to meeting with three different men weekly for accountability and discipleship, he also attended counseling and two other groups of men battling this together on a weekly basis. It was a lot, but well worth if for a season. I don’t say that because I think that’s what you need to do, only to serve as an example that you cannot win this alone. We were made for community. Pray that the Lord will send you some other godly men who’s spiritual depth you would like to emulate and ask them to walk this road with you and at the same time teach you what it looks like to live a life more controlled by the Holy Spirit moment by moment.
Also, I cannot tell you the value of hiding God’s word in your heart!! As you practice memorizing and meditating on the Word, it begins to “renew your mind” and transform you from the inside out! I strongly encourage you to start with 1 Cor. 10:13 ” No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to man, but God is FAITHFUL who WILL NOT allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will make a way of escape”…every time!!! I love that! Memorize it, meditate on it, believe it, and obey it!
I’m praying for you, brother…that you would have a fresh view of a holy God who is able to break every chain and release every captive. And I pray for your surrender to His ways of leading you, whatever that may look like. Brokenness is painful! But it is such a gift!
LG,
I appreciate your transparency brother. I totally agree with my wife, Micah! You can overcome this with the Spirit’s help and the help of other brothers to sharpen you, encourage you, challenge you, and pour their lives into you! 2 Corinthians 3:17 “. . . where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” Galatians 5:16 “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh.” You, LG have no ability to walk in freedom apart from the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 7:18 says “For I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my flesh. For the desire to do what is good is with me, but there is NO ABILITY to do it.” You must abide in the vine, according to John 15:5, apart from abiding in the vine. . . in a love relationship with Jesus, you will not produce His fruit, Galatians 5:22-23. One of the fruits of the Spirt is self control. You, my brother can overcome this! Fight brother!
Micah,
Thank you for your testimony! I have to agree that number 5 is the most important. I know for me, the thing that I had to realize was that even though I was asking God for “help”, I thought on a small level that I could beat sexual sin on my own. I didn’t get to experience real release and freedom from my sin until I realized that I had to completely surrender to God and understand that there was no victory until I surrendered to Him. That doesn’t mean that I never struggle anymore or that I don’t have to be careful. On the contrary, what it means is that I have to surrender COMPLETELY every day to Him and let Him overcome my sin for me, just like He overcame sin when He lived as a man on this earth.
I really appreciate your testimony and “pursuit of God” that you refer to in your husband. If we are not pursuing Him, then all hope is lost. Thank you.
Great article Micah. I appreciate all 5 points. I think it appropriate to point out however that step number 5 calls for further elaboration. Pursuing God passionately is really the only to experience the heart change necessary to stay clear of the quick sand of lust. But many men would ask, How do i pursue God passionately?
We would respond with encouraging men to develop a discipline in the 3 primary spiritual disciplines that bring us closer to Jesus.
1. Time in the word of God daily.- This can’t be emphasized enough for men whether struggling with lust in any form or not. The bible references abound much to confirm the critical nature of this discipline, however Psalm 1, and John 15 are good places to start.
2. Prayer-This is often neglected, or excused with comments like, “I pray in the car and the shower”. Praise God for praying in the shower, however the Lord commands men in the scripture that “among you there must be even a hint of sexual immorality”eph 5:3. The only way to live that out is to have a vital rich connection to the Lord Jesus Christ is prayer. The scripture says over and over in the 4 gospels that Jesus often retreated to lonely places and prayer. We know that Peter and Paul held to the Jewish tradition of praying at 9, 12, and 3pm. Job was a man of prayer, rising early in the morning and we know he honored the ‘covenant he made with his eyes.’ This is important for the grace needed to fight the good fight, especially for the man fresh out of a dark place.
3. Fellowship (which you already stated in step 3, however it probably warrants a stronger emphasis). This would include not only being accountable to other men but also being disciplined by a strong more mature believe which is ideally developed within the church community.
I share my thoughts only because I wish someone had shared these with me much sooner than I received them. God made the promise that ” You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart” Jere 29:13 Too many men don’t know how to ‘seek’, and are left to whimsical preponderances that produce no fruit. Or at least that was my story.
Anyway, thank you again for sharing.your story of victory and grace.
Amen, Dale! Thank you for filling in the gaps that I could get to in such a short post! I might just add one thing: The witness of the Holy Spirit. Prior to brokenness, my husband had done all of these things (seemingly well at times). However because he had never truly come to repentance, he had always done those things in the flesh. The Bible says that the flesh profits nothing. So we can read, pray, and fellowship, but without the help of the indwelling Holy Spirit it’s possible for even those things to amount to nothing. The natural man cannot understand the things of the Spirit.
So for some who may be reading this and say, “Well, I’ve done all those things and still no change,” maybe it’s not just a sin issue but a salvation issue. That was true for my husband, who had grown up in church all his life. He had a whole lot of head knowledge, but lived a powerless life against sin and temptation. But once the Spirit took over everything changed!
Thank you again, Dale. Great comment!
Wonderful article Micah. All 5 actions you mentioned are very important. I would go so far as to call them, requirements, for most couples.
The last two paragraphs are bulls eye statements. For true recovery to take place, understanding the time it takes to rebuild trust and that “It took (takes) no less than the supernatural power of God and two willing hearts to do the tough work of obedience”, is without debate critical to grasp.
Thanks, Micah, for sharing this story. I pray & trust God has and will use it powerfully.
Blessings to you and Michael.
Thank you, Dan! You are absolutely right. That point is extremely critical to understand, and unfortunately too few couples end up grasping that truth. In fact, every action listed is just a result of that one statement! This may sound simplistic, but, truly, when two people get their hearts right with the Lord, everything else will fall into place as they walk in obedience to Him.
I’m so thankful for opportunities to share His victory. We’ve been so amazingly transformed that Michael and I both feel that we would be ungrateful and disobedient not to share the victory and hope that the Lord has given us!
Thank you for this article. I am crying out to the Lord daily. I was a police officer for 18 years and an instructor for my department. I also play and sing in my worship team at my church. I also have three children. I was fired from my job six months ago for LOOKING AT PORNOGRAPHY WHILE AT WORK ON THE COMPUTER. Not only did I get fired, I will likely never be a police officer ever again. I now make minimum wage at a retail outlet.
The worse part of this is that my wife is devastated, humiliated, and resentful. Yesterday, she presented me with divorce papers. I don’t know what to say or do. She is raging with fear and unforgivness, while I’m so full of energy and passion to fight for our marriage. She see my porn viewing as an “affair” and feels that she has biblical justification to divorce me. I know that she is filled with fear and hurt. I know that she’s afraid that there’s more hidden, like a secret girlfriend. I am ashamed and panic stricken. I don’t know what to do. It will truly take the loving hand of Christ to save our marriage. I wish someone could speak love and hope into her heart…but it will be only Jesus that does, if he chooses to. I’m so sorry.
I will try to push forward and stay true to Him, either way. I will be attending an addictions group in a couple days and I’ll continue to do so whether we stay married or not. It’s been difficult for me to see my porn use as an “addiction” as I’ve gone years without viewing it. But, it’s been my escape when I’ve been overwhelmed by depression and feelings of rejection or failure. I wish my wife would understand that it has NEVER been about sex, or an attempt to leave her. I’m so sorry. If you are looking at porn, reach out for help.
I enjoyed reading Micah’s story. and I believe in what covenant eyes is doing. I had covenant eyes. and truth be told he got around the whole system over and over. I decided that i was loosing the battle. I decided to let him be in the hands of the Lord. I have my doubts and fears of what he is doing. I decided to give my marriage a chance after betrayal. My daughter’s grades went up and she has been better. I feel sometimes disconnected from him and feel that i will not allow him to betray me again. So my answer is Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. I will pack and leave. Its great to hear stories like this one. and that it came from his heart to change. Mine talks like i hate porn and their is no one else. I want to honor the Lord but he still says he has his weaknesses. So i completely surrender to Christ!
Glad to hear you’re experiencing success!
If your husband is still using Covenant Eyes and still struggling with being able to circumvent, you may want to ask him to list all the methods he’s used and share them with you and any other Accountability Partners he has. If you’re aware of them, you’ll be able to look for evidence of them, and take personal steps to ensure he doesn’t use them. (For that matter, e-mail the list to us at support@covenanteyes.com so we can keep them on our radar.)
Here’s a freebie example: one weakness of our iPhone browser app is that it’s a browser app. It’s not full-device Accountability. (We’ve got ideas to fix that, but we’re not there yet.) If your husband has an iPhone, you can lock down other browsers (like Safari) and other web-enabled apps (like Facebook) to make sure he only browses the Internet on our monitored browser.
Dear Micah,
My husband and i did not have any sexual intimacy for 6 yrs. And then i found out he was addicted to porn. He has gone through classes and his healing seems to be authentic but it has been 2 yrs. Now and we have had physical intimacy 2 times.i have extended abunant grace and kindness to him as he works through his issues and i work through mine. I have talked with him before about this and i am aware that he experiences ED. I have asked him to go to the Dr. To see if there is anything that can be done or if there is an emotional dysfunction concerning physical intimacy. Its always the same thing, I’m sorry, i know Ive been selfish. Then he takes me out to dinner just him and i which is rare and i believe he has no intention of going to the Dr. I love him and raw sex is not the only kind of physical intimacy. He literally has no desire for me but thinks telling me I’m beautiful will somehow make me forget the real problem because I’m just this needy little women that will take crumbs. Ibviously he has payed attention to my growth because this needy little women has no need for manipulative flattery. I will only communicate with honesty and my plan is to give him 6 months to follow through with his word about going to the Dr. If he doesn’t, he will be greeted at the door with his bags and told to not come back until he fullfills his word about going to the Dr. And taking the initiative to set up and follow through with appointments concerning his situation.
I wonder why he is so afraid of going to the doctor. I’m glad you’ve been able to identify your boundaries. Sometimes holding firm to those boundaries does motivate others to change; sometimes it doesn’t. Either way, we get to be healthy, no matter what the other person chooses. Blessings, Kay
I am in a broken marriage because of the same things I have no idea how to help our marriage to have trust again and heal from so much damage. My husband who says he wants to change still continues to deceive me by his actions. I feel hopeless and that I cannot live like this.
Hi Regina,
Unfortunately, you’re not in charge of rebuilding trust. Your husband needs to be trustworthy. When he continues in old patterns of deception, he is not worthy of trust, and it would be foolish to trust him.
I think it would be wise on your part to allow him the freedom of his choices, while you turn to what you actually CAN control: your own good health and healing. Find a counselor who can help you process your emotions, and think about healthy boundaries. Here, here, and here are some articles about boundaries. Find a group to help you process the trauma. Look into the online resources at Bloom for Women.
Trying to control another person is always a hopeless task! Unless and until they want to participate in their own healing, you will always wind up frustrated and exhausted, trying to change what you can’t change.
Whatever he chooses, though, YOU CAN CHOOSE to be healthy and whole.
Peace to you,
Kay
He has ruined our marriage (33 years), ruined my life, and devastated our grown kids. I HATE him.
Hello, Micah. I found your article very powerful and very hopeful. I am seeking any advice you or your readers could give me. I encountered porn at a young age, and I realize now, after years of abusing my wife emotionally and physically, that I have objectified her and all women largely because of porn. I have left a trail of destruction behind me that has had terrible effects on my wife and our children because of my self-absorption and expectations that she exists to serve me. I struggle every day with my failure to love. Please help.
Gosh if you want to live in that bondage of watching every little move he makes, not being able to watch movies or tv shows that might spark that desire for unhealthy fantasy or porn, not being able to relax on a beach where women are half naked, not feeling comfortable being around sexy girlfriends or family members because their boobs are glistening thru their shirts or their bikinis are too small and your creeper hubby might be getting aroused and want to masturbate to thoughts of them…
That is MISERY and a life of living in bondage. I know because I lived it for 23 months of marriage with my wonderfully God fearing hubby that was attending a Sex Addiction group at Real Life Ministries, going to Bible Study, praying, etc..but ! Lying to me and the men in his groups, and after alllllll that I caught him looking at Massage Porn and desiring that BS again. I RAN to the divorce Lawyer and was done. I have a life worth living in peace and God does not want that worldly bullshit to ruin me. I know. Bye Bye creeper, selfish, self serving husband. Now he’s begging to come back, he’s “healed” and will never do that again he says..never lie again he says, it’s one to many times and my heart is no longer his. That is the consequence these men need.
Do not be a slave to their sin. I will counsel and advise and beg women to leave these men.
What do you do if your husband won’t do any of these things? I seriously am asking.
My husband is addicted to porn he constantly denies it . He has admitted to previous times.but in spam and utube.all this vile stuff comes up all the time
Day after day.he doesnt think or want to change.im sure sure if we should separate.been together 28 years.he could even be meeting up with women.je constanly says i have all the problems.
I’m so, so sorry. It sounds like on top of his behaviors, he’s gaslighting you. I would encourage you to find a counselor who can help you process through this and build healthy boundaries. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that might help. And take a look at the online resources at Bloom for Women; I think you’ll find those helpful as well. No matter what he chooses, I hope you will choose to be healthy and whole. Peace to you, Kay
What if your husband won’t do any of these?
Then it’s time to consider what boundaries are appropriate, given his lack of trustworthy behavior. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries to get you started. You may want to find a counselor to help you process through what’s appropriate for you now. You’ll also appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women. Whatever your husband chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy and whole! Peace to you, Kay
I’ve been separated from my husband of 22 years of marriage for over a month now. I just found one of our old disconnected smart phones hidden underneath a drawer. When I turned it on & connected it to our WIFI I checked the history to my horror my husband had been viewing teen porn for over a year and a half. He completely crushed my heart with his numerous broken promises at him viewing porn. We had just been through all this three years ago when I found all his secret downloads on his then smartphone. I told him it was over because I’ve found porn mags. all through our marriage. He broke down and told me he was sorry and we started counseling as a couple. He started being the man that I married years before. Then back in November of 2017 I felt that the trust was being broken I opened my heart and he reassured me that I was just being silly. Then again in January I talked to him again because I was struggling with my gut telling me that he was looking again. Even though he had no access to a smartphone that I knew of. Then on March 5th I was putting up some of his clean clothes and the drawer seemed to off track that’s when my world shattered. I love him so much but I don’t think I can ever trust him again. I’m trying to be cordial when I’m around him ( he moved out to the apartment that we had built for our son that is away at college) I see him on a daily basis and it hurts so much. I’m trying to trust in God but I just wish he would of not went down this dark path. Of course its my fault and that really makes me mad.
Is he telling you that this is your fault?
Let me clear this up once and for all: his behavior is his choice. Do not fall victim to his gaslighting in this area.
I applaud the boundaries you’ve created so far, and I hope that you’re finding support for yourself through therapy, group, and/or Bloom for Women (online).
Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that should be helpful to you.
You are NOT a slave to his sin. If he wants to live that way, that’s his choice. Until he reckons with that reality, he’ll never come to true healing.
Peace, grace, and freedom to you, Kay