1. Don’t assume he’s got it under control.
If he had it under control, he wouldn’t be breaking your heart with his confessions right now. One of the worst things you can do for your husband is be naive. He needs you. Pornography addiction is a big deal. As much as society wants to down-play its effects by making it the butt of every joke on television, pornography warps your mind and is a very serious matter.
Your husband will not be able to beat this by simply saying “I don’t want to do this anymore.” Again, if he could, he would have. He will need help. God delivered my husband from his 16-year addiction to pornography. But it wasn’t something that just happened overnight.
We prayed. A lot. And we went to counseling and support groups, set up Internet Accountability and Filtering, read lots of books. And prayed some more. It was a process and it took a lot of effort. Purity demands a lifetime of diligence.
2. Don’t assume this is your fault.
Most wives take pornography personally as a personal attack on their beauty, intelligence, and sexuality. This is completely understandable and yet totally false.
Related: 5 Lies I Believed When My Husband Watched Porn
Your husband’s pornography addiction has less to do with you than you think. In fact, there’s a good chance this is something he’s dealt with since adolescence. Even if you are drop-dead gorgeous and sexually available to your husband day and night, odds are that he would still look at porn.
That’s because it’s not an eye issue, it’s a heart issue. Pornography is a sin of the heart. Where are man has let his heart be consumed by selfish, cheap, false intimacy, usually to medicate a wound.
I’m not saying that you’re perfect, but I am saying that your husband’s addiction to pornography is not your fault.
3. Don’t assume you need to be a porn star in bed.
This is very common because as women, we tend to take on the responsibility of completely satisfying our husband’s every want and need—emotionally, spiritually, physically, and sexually. And when you discover your husband’s addiction to pornography, you may assume that you need to act like a porn star in bed in order to achieve this.
But here’s the thing, God didn’t create you to be a “do-girl” to satisfy your husband’s every want and need. He created you to be a helpmate for your husband, to stand by his side and be there for him through thick and thin (and right now things are pretty thick). He created you to respect your husband and to show him the love of Christ through your actions and your words. He created you to enjoy companionship with your husband and to enjoy sex with him as well.
Related: Should porn be used to spice up the bedroom?
Your sex life was not meant to be a check-list of all the things you need to do in order to satisfy his every lust. That’s not a relationship. That’s not a partnership. God created you to complement your husband (not as in flattery but as in complete). Together you complement each other. Where he’s weak, you can be strong. Where you’re weak, he can be strong. And you both should find your strength in Christ.
God created the wife to be a wonderful gift for the husband to treasure, love, nurture, and take care of, not use and mistreat. And He created the husband to be a wonderful gift for the wife to treasure, love, respect, and help, not disrespect and demand. It’s supposed to be a relationship that works together but depends fully on God. (Read my post about this: “What’s So Wrong With Me?“)
4. Don’t assume he doesn’t love you.
Remember how I said that your husband’s pornography addiction has less to do with you than you think? I wasn’t kidding. Just because your husband has struggled with pornography doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you.
Unfortunately, most porn addicts have intimacy issues and a difficulty showing love to their spouse. This usually begins as woundedness from the past but grows exponentially because of the effects of porn. Pornography breeds a selfish, cheap, shallow, false sense of intimacy that isn’t conducive for showing and receiving real love.
So, in essence, even though your husband does love you, he probably doesn’t know how to show it. Literally. Once he has repented from his addiction and you are on the journey towards healing and restoration, there’s a process of learning how to love each other. It’s like starting over. And while that can be a scary thought, it’s also an exciting and wonderful experience to have the opportunity to renew a love that is centered on Christ and truth, and no longer stifled by lies and addiction.
This part of the journey is the fun part. Amid the painful and often exhausting late-night conversations, there should be date nights where you pursue each other and just enjoy getting to know each other again. He loves you. He just has to learn how to show it.
5. Don’t assume restoration is hopeless.
I haven’t met a woman yet that didn’t say, “I feel like this is hopeless,” when she discovered the depth of her husband’s addiction. When faced with the truth and you finally understand the totality of what he’s actually done, it may feel like there’s no hope. You’re so heartbroken, the lies run deep, and his addiction is real. This has turned out to be so much more than you thought when you found that inappropriate search in the history. You’ve discovered that this has been going on for years and years, and you can’t breathe. I know, I have been there.
But there is hope. God can deliver your husband from this addiction. God can heal your broken heart. God can restore your marriage. I know, I have seen Him do it in my own life! My husband was addicted to pornography for 16 years, 8 of which while we were married. I was completely devastated when I discovered the truth. I thought it was hopeless. I didn’t know how I would ever forgive him or trust him again, and I didn’t know how he was going to overcome this stronghold. But through this journey I learned that there is no man beyond the grip of God’s grace. There is no sin beyond the power of God’s forgiveness. There is no marriage beyond the tender mending of God’s mercy. And there is no broken heart that His wounds can’t heal. And that is an encouraging thought.
Kristina Croft and her husband, Gavin, blog at Isaiah 53 Ministry.
I have been dealing with an alcoholic porn addicted husband since we were married 2 yrs ago…we need counseling but I can’t get my husband to go at this point…..does anyone know if there is a phone number to call to groups on the phone like alanon has….
Are you asking about phone counseling or are you just asking about a phone number to call to find out about groups for women in your situation?
This was amazing for me to read and reminded me of the hope that remains for my sanity and healing from the hurt. Thank you so much!
I found out about a year ago my husband was addicted to porn, this was so heartbreaking. When faced in this situation its hard to not take his addiction personally, I hope that one day he will be able to stop.
Have you read Porn and Your Husband yet? It should give you next steps…and if you hand it to your husband, he might have a better insight into how his porn use hurts you.
It took most of my life to understand my addiction. I had to understand that my sexual identity as a man was not sinful (guilt). In the end I needed deliverance from a spirit that controlled my imagination: sexual fantasy. Now I understand that I am a seer, and Satan sought to counter my gifts with regard to my very graphic imagination. I think the spirit came in through television, but I never experienced intimacy to any degree with my mother, either. Even at kindergarten age, I thought of marriage and girls’ affection, have only the television to define love and affection. Hands-on affection was to practiced in even the most godly of my relatives, and very little encouragement. I did not find this until my second marriage.
My marriage ended because of porn addiction. Sometimes no matter what you do, you have to let go and let God.
Your articles and commentary on this subject are outstanding! Thank you so much for helping so many find freedom through Jesus Christ.
Thank you much for sharing this. I wish I knew these truths when I first learned about my husbands porn addiction in 2003. Unfortunately he still believes most of these assumptions so progress is slow. But counselling has helped me so much
Thank you
“But through this journey I learned that there is no man beyond the grip of God’s grace. There is no sin beyond the power of God’s forgiveness. There is no marriage beyond the tender mending of God’s mercy. And there is no broken heart that His wounds can’t heal. And that is an encouraging thought.” SO TRUE!!
I pray for my marriage! This does seem hopeless to me because my husband denies, denies, denies, even though I have sooo much proof. It seems like he does not love me and we have no intimacy at all.
I hold on to : God can do anything!
No marriage is beyond saving!
Please pray for me, for him, for us.
Hi Anne,
I hope you will find support for yourself in this with a counselor who can help you process your emotions and build healthy boundaries. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that might be helpful to you. You may also appreciate the online support at Bloom For Women.
God can do anything, but he won’t take away your husband’s free will. Your husband will have to make healthy choices and do hard work in order to change. Remember, you are not a slave to sin, and that includes your husband’s sin.
No matter what he chooses, YOU can choose to have a healthy, whole life, and I hope you’ll have that life with good support and healthy boundaries.
Peace to you,
Kay