George and Linda were 18 months into recovery following Linda’s discovery of George’s sex addiction. Yet things didn’t seem much better between them. “I don’t get it,” George lamented. “I’ve gone to groups. I’ve been through counseling. I’m not looking at porn anymore. What else do I have to do? Why can’t we move on from this?”
If you’re a man trying to rebuild your relationship after betrayal, you may have asked this same question. As a betrayal trauma recovery coach, I find there are five characteristics of men who help their wives heal. But before I list them, I want to correct some common myths.
Myth #1–We (or she) can get over this and move on.
There is no “getting over this.” That’s not to say that your relationship won’t heal, nor that you can’t be truly happy together. On the contrary, couples who do the hard work of rebuilding following betrayal often say that their relationship is better than ever. But rather than getting over the past, they recognize it as part of the fabric of their lives–no longer the main event, but an important one that set them on the path toward creating the life they now have.
Myth #2–She should work her recovery, and let me work mine.
Please don’t ever tell your wife to “stay on her side of the street.” This is, at the very least, annoying, and as a practice, extremely damaging, especially considering that what happened on “your side of the street” brought you to this point and seriously harmed your wife/family. If the relationship is to survive, you must include her in your program, being accountable to her and communicating about your recovery activities.
Myth #3–Each spouse is equally at fault for the disintegration of the marriage.
Sorry guys, but the onus of responsibility to repair the damage is on the betrayer. I know your wife is not perfect. It is the responsibility of the betrayer to rebuild trust and to repair the damage the betrayal has caused. Only then can other issues be addressed. Many couples find that other issues weren’t issues at all when the betrayer rebuilds trust through changing his behavior.
Here are five characteristics I observe in men who help their wives heal—giving their relationship the best chance at surviving and thriving:
Understand Your Wife’s Trauma
Educate yourself about what your wife is experiencing. Once you understand the nature of betrayal trauma, and the impact betrayal has had on your wife, you will be better able to answer your own question, “Why can’t we move past this?”
Unfortunately, trauma can take years to heal, and the scars never completely go away. Years down the road your wife may be triggered, and her physical and emotional response will feel as if she’s right back in that moment of discovery.
Related: Your Wife Has Triggers Too
Even if you’re strong in your recovery, her trauma is still the result of what you once brought into your relationship. This doesn’t mean you need to beat yourself up or live in guilt, but it is an opportunity to help her heal. Recognize that this is how trauma works. Know that she wishes she could get past it just as much as you do, probably even more. Understand she’s in pain, acknowledge that, and ask her what she needs from you. Then, do your best to provide it.
Humility
Now is the time to set pride aside. Honestly, your wife doesn’t want to be asked to celebrate or cheer you on because you’ve been 90 days sober from porn. This is a great accomplishment for you, and you can and should feel good about your progress. But save your need for validation for your support group.
Your wife, with time, will one day appreciate the hard work you’ve done and recognize the things you’ve overcome. But remember, this process was never supposed to be part of your relationship with her. You introduced this painful journey, and until she is sure that you are safe for her, she may not be able to muster joy for you, as she struggles to find it for herself. Put off pride until the two of you can celebrate together the healing of your relationship.
What does humility look like exactly? It means responding to her needs patiently, repeatedly, and consistently. It means answering her questions non-defensively. It means recognizing that her anger and sadness are valid and giving her room to express her feelings. It means owning that you are the one who stepped outside the boundaries of marriage and saying you’re sorry. As often as necessary.
Related: An Open Letter to Wives of Porn Addicts
Complete Transparency
What is transparency? I’ve heard it referred to as “rigorous honesty.” It is living a life of zero deception. It means the life you’re living is the life your wife knows about. It’s recognizing that there should be no secrets in any marriage, much less in one that’s healing from betrayal. Omitting information, deciding for yourself what your wife needs to know, sugarcoating the truth, and minimizing your behaviors are examples of deception.
One of your wife’s toughest challenges right now is rebuilding trust, not only in you, but in her own intuition. Don’t undermine her efforts to trust herself again. It might help you to understand that complete transparency is the foundation for real intimacy. To know and be known. And isn’t that what you’re fighting for?
Related: 3 Reasons Deception Is More Destructive than Porn to Your Wife
A Radical Commitment To Rebuilding Trust
What that looks like for each person is different, but if addiction is present, it should include counseling by qualified professionals, recovery groups, and accountability to a “band of brothers.” A “circle of five” that you can text typically guarantees at least one person will get back in touch when you need it. Seeing that you’re serious about your own recovery adds to your wife’s feelings of safety in the relationship. Other radical changes that you might choose to make include:
- Leaving a job to cut ties with an affair partner
- Putting accountability software on your computers
- Deleting email accounts and/or getting a new one
- Deleting social media accounts
- Initiating daily check-ins with your spouse
- Supporting your wife in her own healing if she wishes to join a support group
- Offering to provide your wife with full therapeutic disclosure and a therapeutic polygraph
When your wife begins to see that you’re willing to put aside your comfort, time, and convenience for the sake of your recovery and your relationship, she can often start to let go of fear and begin to heal herself.
Grit
The effects of trauma lingers. As stated earlier, betrayal carries with it lifelong bruises. Those bruises get bumped. And they hurt. Helping your wife heal means being there for her over and over again. The good news is that as she heals, the triggers come less frequently over time. And this new way of responding to your wife becomes the new you. Win-win! Because it’s the way healthy couples relate. When we hurt, we help each other.
Another reason you need grit is that trust takes time to rebuild. Your wife isn’t going to trust your honesty in the beginning. And she shouldn’t. The truth that you now tell sounds exactly like the lies that protected your secrets. For her to trust you again, she’s going to need to see that this is lasting change.
Recovery is hard work. Repairing the damage caused by betrayal is even harder. On days when that reality feels discouraging, try to remember that there will be a reward in this for both of you. All the characteristics that help your wife heal are necessary for your recovery too. The most important goal is mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Relational healing is part of that. The message I hear time and time again from wives in relationships that survive and thrive is this: “It was ugly in the beginning, but we eventually came together as a team, and my husband helped me heal.”
As I sit here, tears streaming down my face, reading this article… I can FINALLY show my husband that I’m NOT crazy! I’ve been dealing with this for 5 years, all the lies, broken promises, everything. While he tried to convince me I was crazy, and I needed to “grow up and get over it”. I’ve left several times (end up back here because I have nowhere else to go and no income), and finally decided that I couldn’t take anymore, and that I wanted a divorce.
Well, today, for the first time, I did a search (out of desperation for healing for MYSELF), and this article came up. I read it, and it was word for word the things I have been telling him for 5 years! I got him to read it, and he asked me to send it to him. I’m praying that today is the first day of the beginning of my healing. Whether my marriage survives or not, I need healing! I have been tortured and tortured myself for 5 years! I have even planned to take my life because I can’t handle the pain. I can’t handle being told that I’m crazy, and I’m the only person that feels this way, and that nobody else in the world has a problem with porn but me! My feelings have been nothing but belittled, I’ve put down, and he’s only defended himself and tried to justify everything.
But today, my feelings have been validated and I feel like there might be hope, for the first time since this began.
Thank you so very much for posting this article! I’ve also downloaded the E-Book (Hope after porn). I will seek and read anything I can. I DON’T want to feel this way, I want to be whole again (with or without him). I have sought counseling, but with no insurance and no income, I’ve been turned away by everybody. I’m so very thankful I found this article.
I finally feel like maybe there’s hope for my life again. If you have any other material that would be helpful, I would so appreciate it if you would share it with me. Thanks again! You have saved my life (literally), and possibly my marriage. I can’t thank you enough!
Hi Michele,
I am so sorry for the pain you’ve been suffering. And then the gaslighting your husband has added to the problem makes it that much more difficult to deal with. It is very common for women to meet the clinical criteria for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Whatever happens with your marriage (here, here, and here are some helpful articles on boundaries in marriage), finding trauma informed care for yourself will be extremely important in your recovery. A wonderful, low-cost, trauma-informed, online resource is Bloom for Women. I cannot recommend it highly enough.
I hope that helps. Wishing you healing and hope,
Kay
Great article. I’ve met with this writer before and she is a beautiful person who has a heart for helping women in this situation. I recently went through this and meeting with her in a professional manner helped me drastically in a surprisingly short time. I was sincerely astounded at how much it helped. My husband just recently began his recovery for this issue and is now working to regain my trust. He was appreciative of this article and seems to just be grateful that I’m not ditching him over this betrayal (What can I say? I am a Christian after all)
I would have had to set some really strong boundaries with him if he had not rose to the occasion. So some very general boundaries were drawn up instead.
I shared some of the my own temptations and struggles I had in the area of sexual purity as well in order to show my husband that he’s not the only one who gets tempted. And then I committed to helping him with his recovery in any way that I can (for as long as he is willing). It did hurt tremendously though to go through it and be lied to about it.
As for the article, I don’t think she seems biased or unfair, she wrote about the topic.. which is how husbands can help their wives heal.
If it’s harder for a woman with sexual addiction to read this article, they could very well look up articles about that (which would also, true to form, be about women with that issue).
I am a recovered sex addict myself (I struggled with BPD and promiscuity in the past.)
I don’t see the article as offensive in any way personally.
Coach Laura is amazing!
So far, what’s your my husband is able to process what his porn use has done to me. When I voice my feelings or thoughts, or even information I glean, he reacts badly. I don’t know where he is in his recovery, except that he IS trying. (And I can actually tell. He is grumpier and intimacy is much more infrequent when he’s not looking.)
The reason for this comment, Is to say that hiding my heart in the Lord, and finding a place of …. peace. I have done more healing than I have in years. I’ve tried SO many things. I thought for years that God put me in this marriage because I was so strong, I was supposed to help him fight this.
But this warrior got tired, and handed the fight to God. Where it probably should have been to begin with, but I had much to learn first.
there is no true disconnection. Because we are one flesh, and his actions do affect me. But this is HIS choice. I can only choose for it not to embitter me. I choose to be kind, and follow behind Jesus as best as I can. He has to make some choices himself.
He absolutely does have to make choices for himself! You’re so wise to see this.
Hopefully he’s working with a therapist on the reasons behind his grumpiness when he’s not looking at porn: this is called being a “dry drunk” when the person doesn’t use the addictive substance but also doesn’t know how to deal with the emotions and behaviors that the addiction was helping them to cope with.
Keep those boundaries strong (here, here, and here are some articles) and make sure you’re getting the support you need: a therapist, a group, and the online resources at Bloom for Women.
Take good care,
Kay
In November 2018 at age 39 I underwent a double mastectomy with removal of a lymph node with reconstruction due to having breast cancer. Recovery was a long hard road and my husband was off work for 8 weeks and was really great in taking care of me. Then in January he went back to work, he works 1 and 1/2 hours away from our home. Then one Saturday in January I found out about his porn addiction and that while he had been taking care of me through those 8 weeks he had continued with his porn addiction. Needless to stay I was and still am devastated. We’ve been married for 21 years and have 3 kids, he had this same problem 11 years but got help and promised that it would never happen again. Since all of this surfaced I’ve had a ton of health problems- gallbladder surgery, deep depression and anxiety, and a lot of back pain only to find out I have bulging disc in my back. I’ve undergone 2 more surgeries since. However, I’m struggling with trusting my husband again. It’s my biggest fear! I feel like I’m living in a nightmare!
Rod, I realize this was written awhile ago. I also realize you and your wife may still be hurting. I’m the author of the article. I’m glad you found it helpful. I just wanted to let you know that our website, http://www.BTR.org, has groups for women, like your wife, who are struggling with this. If it’s still an issue, have her check it out. And congratulations on your recovery!
Coach Laura
I NEEDED THIS NOW! Today was really high and really low. I’m a recovering porn addict. Today was 1 year of sobriety!! I came home for work desperate for a big hug and a “I’m so proud of you!” (from my wife).
We guit in a big fight! I realize the deep pain I feel when she can’t celebrate my victories with me! I need this article so much to get what she’s feeling. I didn’t mean to be selfish today! But I was. I fantasized about going out for supper and celebrating…. and all I got from her is “I didn’t choose this, .you did!”
Yes I’m in pain and really want healing. I have a support group of men. My wife heals lately alone. I wish she had a group to share with. I don’t even think she sees that as a need.
I need to do the work and stay faithful through this valley. It’s great to be sober!
I just want to see results in our marriage! I’m really struggling with staying patient and seeing hope.
I pray that you are still experiencing Sobriety. Give her some time and if she is not in counseling, pray for her. Ask your counselor how you can help your wife or how you can lovingly help your wife get help. I am a wife of a spouse with porn addiction. I thank you for sharing this. I hope I can celebrate the victories with my husband as we begin recovery. Focus on the grace and power of God and his love for you. If no one else is celebrating, GOD IS CELEBRATING YOUR SOBRIETY, EVERY SECOND, MOMENT, WEEK, MONTH, YEAR.
I’m really grateful for your article here and many others. I’m a sex addict. Early in recovery – about 5 months. It’s been a painfully public ordeal that has resulted in so, very much loss. I’m working hard at my recovery and to understand the unimaginable trauma and hurt I’ve caused my wife. Certainly, I’m not perfect (keen grasp on the obvious…check!) I struggle, I guess with the humility to let my wife lead in the recovery of our marriage.
I’m very eager to participate in her healing. To listen. To care for her. To understand how I’ve wounded her and accompany her on her healing journey. Right now, I’m counseling with a sex addiction specialist. My wife is with another therapist.
My wife does not want a divorce. Wants and believes our marriage can be restored. But is currently not willing to entertain any counsel together, isn’t really willing to share much with me and is keeping me at an emotional/relational distance.
I want to be sensitive and help her heal. To give her what she needs. My concern is that she’s talking about a year or more before engaging together. I’m concerned that this time period may do more damage to our relationship and make it more difficult to recover.
I’d love some perspective!
I think your wife is wise to hold off on the couples’ therapy until you are firmly established in your recovery. It’s my opinion as a therapist that the addict needs to do his own work in therapy, groups, radical honesty with family and friends, etc. The wife needs help and support as well, with her own therapist, her own groups, and with online resources like Bloom for Women. Many women in marriage betrayal will meet the clinical criteria for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. She may not want to sit in therapy with the person who has caused such trauma to her life. She may need other help and support first. The wife’s recovery is just as necessary as the husband’s. The relationship will only recover when the individuals within the relationship are recovering well also. One of the things you could do to demonstrate your sincerity is be invested in learning about what makes up a healthy marriage relationship–work that is usually left to women. John Gottman is the foremost marriage researcher on earth, and his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is full of great ideas to build a healthy relationship. You could certainly be invested in those behaviors even if your wife is unable to attend therapy with you just yet. Here’s a short video from Dr. Gottman about building trust in relationship, which I’m sure is a major concern of your wife’s at this point. Peace to you, Kay
This is validating even to me, the wife of a man who refuses to take these steps. He calls me “demanding”, “impossible” and says he’s already apologized, so there’s nothing more to do. It’s validating because it shows that wanting those things is not “demanding.” It’s just reasonable and appropriate after betrayal.
Yes, the “I’ve apologized, what else do you want me to do” game is really just gaslighting, in my opinion. Gaslighting is a great technique to use in a situation like this, because if he denies there’s a problem, he doesn’t have to do anything about it. Of course there is more work to do when it comes to restoring trust! Of course there is, and you know it–he does too, he just doesn’t want to do the work. Don’t let the gaslighting get you down! Here’s an article on what it looks like when trust is truly being restored. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries in the meantime. Kay
Thank you for this. Unfortunately, my wife’s sense of betrayal was so very intense she just wanted out. I was not discovered, but I did confess. She was already seeking divorce, so the weight of that betrayal was to much for her and she was done, period. Even apart from her and with divorce virtually certain, I appreciate this because I can still live it toward her from a distance in prayer. I’m so glad for daily victory in Christ. I have to hold onto that because the weight of my failure as a husband is crushing without Him. without God, that sense of complete failure would destroy me. I would love a chance to be for my beautiful wife, what Sarah’s husband has been for her. Absent that, hopefully God can make use of me to help be a voice for other family’s even if it is just a warning sign of what not to touch.