“I can’t keep doing this!” she screams with bulging eyes and face wrenched in a tormented mix of anger, fear, and pain. “I can’t keep going through this again and again. I feel like I am going crazy! How can I stay married to a man I can’t trust?”
This is the scene I encounter every week in my office as a counselor working with men and marriages devastated by pornography. Her hair is on fire, and he is in panic mode. Overwhelmed by his wife’s anger and pain, he resorts to the oldest trick in the Book (literally) in an attempt to fix the situation. He lies, minimizes, and blames. Adam did it in the Garden, and we have been doing it ever since–with grave consequences.
When I tell a couple that lying and deception are more damaging than looking at porn, the response is shockingly predictable.
The wife looks up to catch my eyes in an “a-ha moment.” “That’s it! You nailed it on the head!” She felt this truth but couldn’t put it into words. She is relieved to have someone understand this realization resonating inside of her.
He looks, well, shocked and confused. He gives me the head cocked “cocker spaniel” look, letting me know this is all Greek to him. “How can that be?” he asks. “I was just trying to protect her from details that would only hurt her more.” Another half truth no one really believes.
Here is what I share with the men and marriages in my office about why deception is worse than looking at pornography.
Violated trust cracks the foundation of your marriage.
A fundamental breech of trust in a marriage brings everything into question. Wholeheartedly trusting someone to love and protect your heart and to act in your best interest is foundational for marriage. Having that trust violated is an act of intimate betrayal.
“Et Tu, Brute?”
The violation of lusting after other women is painful enough. Lying about it makes things worse. Now she wonders if she can trust you about anything.
Read that last statement a few times, and let it sink in.
She isn’t just afraid you are lying about looking at pornography, she is afraid she can’t trust you about anything. The naive trust is gone–it is like a death. Now she questions if you are really at the store, at the gym, or if you were actually checking work email on your phone. It understandably creates a state of paranoia, and she feels like her hair is on fire
Related: Your Wife Has Triggers Too
She feels like she lost her best friend. Now your wife’s best friend, her most intimate companion, is simultaneously the person she fears the most. Wives tell me they feel like they are going crazy when this happens. It is torturous, and there is nothing you can say or do to make it all better in the moment.
Interestingly, the part of the brain that processes relationships is the same part of the brain that processes life and death experiences. Whether you hold a gun to my head, or my wife tells me she is leaving me, I will feel the same thing.
This gives you an idea of what your wife is feeling when you lie, deceive, or blame her to take the focus off of yourself. It feels like she has a gun to her head–it is horrifying. Solomon nailed it on the head when he wrote, “An honest answer is like a kiss on lips” (Prov. 24:26).
Lying after your first disclosure amplifies the betrayal.
Relapse is a part of recovery. This is hard for wives to understand, so they are predictably angry and hurt that you acted out again.
Relapse may take you back to square one, but lying, deceiving or blaming takes you to square negative 100. If you want to make a bad situation worse, this is a great way to do it. Lying after the first disclosure is like trying to put out a fire with gasoline.
When this process of relapse, deception, and getting busted plays out over and over again, it gets pretty raw for both of you. She is more angry and hurt, and he is tired of the emotional explosions.
Whether it is out of pride or fear, the worst type of deception is the fearful counterattack. Knowing your wife’s suspicions–that you have been looking again even though she doesn’t have the evidence–are dead on, your best defense becomes a good offense.
Attacking your wife and calling her “crazy.” Accusing her of never forgiving you. Thinking “you’ll never trust me, so why try.” These are toxic responses to an already bad situation.
The problem is your wife will take these words to heart and actually question her reality. Even if she doesn’t tell you or show you she is doing this, it is happening. When she questions her grip on reality, it is another experience of free fall–out of control and hopeless.
When, not if, she later finds out she was right and allowed herself to doubt what she knew to be true, the sense of betrayal is magnified. This isn’t pretty for either one of you.
Please, do not go down this road. If you have been doing this, stop it now. It is psychological abuse, and you are better than that.
Related: How can I prepare for my husband’s next relapse?
Repeated deception is death by 1000 cuts.
Listen closely to what I am about to say: when your wife first finds out you have been looking at pornography, she is in shock. This means she is not feeling the full extent of the pain and betrayal.
This is the best and most loving time to tell her everything and to really come clean. Shock is God’s anesthesia, so spill the beans and spill all the beans at once.
Wounds from a friend can be trusted. –Prov. 27:6
Every time you go through the process of rebuilding trust then lying to her again, it deepens the wound. Wives in my office repeatedly tell me, “If I let my guard down, I’ll just be devastated again. It is easier not to trust or to care anymore.” Hearing your wife feels this way is terrifying. It is hard to find much hope in those words, even if she doesn’t completely feel that way.
Related: Therapeutic Disclosure–What It Is and How It Can Help Your Marriage Heal
This trickling out of the truth is torturous–literally death by 1000 cuts. Today, a wife whose husband has repeatedly gone back to porn put it this way, “I’ve been cut so many times that I don’t have any more blood to give.”
Around 75% of the time, the wife discovers pornography rather than the husband confessing on his own. Repeated deceptions drive home her belief: “I can only trust what I discover, and I am convinced there is always more to discover.”
Honesty really is the best policy. Not just for your wife and her recovery–it is in your best interest. Being honest about the good, the bad, and the ugly actually re-builds trust with your wife and helps her heal. That means less time on the emotional roller coaster of recovery.
Think of it this way: honesty creates emotional safety for your wife (and therefore for you). Emotional safety is the foundation for any type of close relationship. Honesty and transparency actually help repair a cracked foundation (i.e. using tools like Covenant Eyes and letting her see your phone, email, texts, and iPad without pouting).
I can’t overstate how powerful it is to tell your wife the truth, even when it is painful. Every wife I have worked with emphatically tells me how helpful and healing it is when her husband tells her the truth. It is a literal and visceral relief for her.
Even if she is upset because of what you are telling her, she will respect you and be more able to forgive you if you are honest with her. I beg you… no, I dare you, to try it.
The next time you feel the reflexive urge to lie to save your own skin, or “protect your wife” from further pain, picture yourself standing over a camp fire with a bucket of full of gasoline. What you are about to do will not help anyone. If you want to keep your eyebrows, I recommend telling her the truth.
I have so much to write, I don’t even know where to start. First of all I should introduce myself. I am both an offendee and an offender. I was introduced to porn and sexual abuse at a young age…the person who introduced me to this was also abused, and likely the one who abused them was abused as a youngster as well. It is an ugly chain. As a boy I was pressured into these acts from someone older than me. It was confusing bc though I didn’t like it, it sometimes felt good. This caused me to keep searching out that feeling. You know what causes that feeling? Dopamine released from the brain. It IS a drug. The more you feed it the more you need to get the same feeling. It is also a SPIRITUAL problem. Satan is using your physical body and spiritual warfare to trap you into eternal damnation, or being useless as a believer.
As a young man, the internet came to be. This allowed for ease of access to all kinds of porn and the ability to meet people, whether online, or eventually in person. I believe the internet has been THE greatest tool that Satan has used in modern times. Not that the internet IS the evil thing, it is USED for evil. Anyway, this allowed for being exposed to even more porn. My father fell into this web and through it I also was exposed to more. He eventually was caught in a sting and I was to testify against him in court. He spent some years in prison based on intentions. This was damaging to my family, however I was still battling sinful desires. I started living a fast life, heaping more pain on my mom. I also felt Romans 7 inside me. I cried out to God many times for deliverance, only to keep going back to alchohol, smoking, and the constant pursuit of women.
Eventually, I began dating someone for a few years and we got married. She had baggage of abuse and promiscuity as well. We both had a Christian upbringing so we were familiar with how we were living our double lives. Over the years we settled down and began raising a family, got plugged in with a church, another church, then another, and so on. I had listened to some strong preaching and was strongly convicted of my sin and I believe at that time I got saved. I had long periods of victory and purity. However, I was still hiding lies and I was still finding myself desiring that “high”. I began watching more and more porn, which led to having multiple affairs. No one knew that half of me. I kept it hidden. We had four children. I was/am a good dad. I kept things happy at home. I went to some mens conferences, got more involved with church, bible study and verse memorization with our kids. I truly desired to do the right things…but I still was clinging SELF and that “high”. I wasn’t allowing God to be my all in all. I believe I was born again. I still would cry out for deliverance, more desperate each time, basically asking Him to make me a eunich!
Eventually, God answered my prayer. I don’t know His timing, but I believe He saw me as a child and decided to discipline me and see if I would come to Him or run away.
My wife ended up finding out about the last affair I had had. It tore her world apart. It wasn’t but a week or so after we met with a counselor and close christian friends that God laid it on my heart to come ENTIRELY clean about all the affairs and porn.I was always so afraid to do it, and for good reason! It really hurt her! I thought our marriage was over. I thought my kids were going to be hurt. It was a day I will NEVER want to live again. But it was a GREAT weight that fell off my shoulders!! However, it fell on her. It has been 1.5 years since that day. We are still together. We went through biblical counseling with a couple from another church. They have been excellent! They have been loving, and yet firm…with BOTH of us. You see, we were BOTH sinning and causing a toxic marriage with a happy outside covering. However instead of blaming each other, we were counseled to get to the root of our OWN sin, and our position before God. It has been hard, but so worth it. We still have a long way to go. I still have those desires, but I have ways to overcome them. I have a few men now that are in my life and I feel comfortable talking to about it. My wife also now has godly women who are putting time into her and helping her be a Godly wife. I am slowly working on a book that I hope to be able to write to help other men come clean, or avoid the trap based on my experience.
I would recommend 2 resources, though there are many:
Brad Bigney “When Marriage and Mercy Collide” https://www.graceky.org/sermons/series/when-marriage-and-mercy-collide/
Start at message #1
Also, Pure Life Ministries. Steve has a book that was excellent to read and work through. “At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry”
https://www.amazon.com/Steve-Gallagher/e/B001JO9K2K%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share
He was able to describe my struggles like no one has ever before! And he uses scripture and Biblical principles, lots of it!
Now, I have read many responses to this article that trouble me. They are all about telling the husband to take a hike because its time to focus on me and my peace. This is unscriptural and the author should not be condoning this behavior unless there is physical abuse happening. Also, men, you are to take responsibility for your sin, whether its stemming from an event in the past or not. Both husband and wife both have to look at their OWN sin FIRST, see their OWN sin as WORSE, and work on their OWN sin MOST!
Finally, I would like to thank the author for bringing up the points they did. It was a good read, and it is important to understand and be reminded what the offended spouse is going through. Thank you for that.
I discovered my husband’s porn addiction shortly before we got married. He apologized profusely at the time and promised to change. He seemed sincere and I believed him. But then I just kept finding it again and again. Sometimes he would apologize, other times he would justify himself by saying “it’s no big deal” or “everyone does it” and sometimes he would make me feel like I’m crazy for being upset. We’ve been married now for more than 15 years. We have two kids. This article explains so clearly everything I felt for so long. It feels so good to know that others have felt the same way when confronted with the repeated deception. I have no faith left in my husband. The last time I found his porn, I only asked that he makes sure our kids don’t see it. I’ve stopped asking him to stop going on porn sites because I know he never will.
I stay because my parents were divorced and I want so much better for my kids! He’s a good dad and a decent person. We don’t argue about anything now that I am ignoring the porn issue. Our kids have no idea that anything is wrong, and we enjoy spending time together as a family. We live more like roommates than husband and wife. I cringe when he touches me because I’m always wondering if he’s imagining some young, beautiful online perfection when he closes his eyes. I feel inadequate and unloved because of his constant porn use. So, we rarely have any physical intimacy (maybe 2-3 times per year). But I try to focus on the things that are fulfilling in my life – God, my kids, my friendships, volunteering at church and school, and my work. I pray that my husband will one day find an article like this on his own, and that it speaks to his heart. But I no longer have the strength to ask anything of him that has to do with our relationship. If he wants to change, he will. If not, we’ll continue to live like roommates/ business partners who operate a household and family together. It’s not easy, but I think it’s easier on my family than a divorce would be. Maybe I’ll feel differently when my kids are grown, but that is still a decade away.
I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re living in. I hope you’ve got a good support system, as living for another 10 years, or forever, this way, sounds extremely difficult. A therapist, a group, and the online resources at Bloom for Women may be helpful. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that should be useful to you as well. Of course you are free to choose how to best manage your situation; I just hope it includes the support and care that you need in this difficult reality. Peace, Kay
Finally, an article that is spot on..What it feels like on the receiving end. I am practically a newlywed…My husband’s 1st marriage and he is middle-aged. When I first found his porn collection, I wrote it off as a single man who watched the occasional tapes between relationships…My sex drive is probably over zealous so I thought his needs were being met since we became a couple. While others above mention that porn often leads to other things…Very true…In our case, I discovered transexual porn. My husband is extremely manly and a tough guy profession. I was so confused…When I confronted him..Got the story, he didn’t purchase intentionally, etc etc..It was inserted into a sealed magazine he bought….He promised when we married he wouldn’t bring the porn into the house…Only he did, all but the T-porn…Again, “must have been an accident” and we had a terrible fight because I knew when it was put where I found it…No accident…That was our turning point. I think he felt exposed and I had discovered a part of him that he was ashamed & secretive of. He has stonewalled me ever since and I feel that he is intentionally punishing me. The lies have only picked up steam..Over meaningless things…He says he lies because he doesn’t want me to feel empowered, and just to mess with me. I have zero trust now. He is very secret about his phone, hasn’t added me as his wife to any of his legal or financial matters after almost 2 years of marriage. We are like roommates and the sex has dwindled to once every 2 weeks if I’m lucky and it feels like just a duty to him. I don’t try anymore because I’m tired of the excuses. He’s tired, hasn’t showered, his work days are off limits, says low Testosterone after being on shots for over a year and his drinking has progressed to nearly a fifth of vodka daily around his work. No one at his job has a clue. I’m not sure which came first…The sexual devience or the alcoholism….I do know that I’m incredibly lonely..And it’s not like I’ve let myself go…I am 50 years old, very active, and most think I am in my late 30s even…But I don’t think I will ever be enough and he won’t talk. I suggested counseling and got shut down immediately. I’m at a loss…But the lies and deception go way beyond the porn…That was just the beginning…It has just picked up steam. The tapes are gone but he just uses his phone and the internet now….All communication attempts have failed and I am totally shut out. It feels like we are roommates. I wish he could see this article and really absorb the content. It destroys people and relationships and it IS an addiction
Hi Trish, it sounds like your husband has a number of painful realities in his life that have nothing to do with you, but are his to face and deal with. We cannot change another person, ever. All we can do is take responsibility for ourselves, and be healthy, no matter what our spouses choose. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that you might find helpful. You might also consider a therapist just for you, a group, and the online resources at Bloom for Women. No matter what’s going on with him, you can choose what’s healthy for you. Peace, Kay
That article is the story of my marriage- which ended in divorce at the beginning of 2017. After 26 years and 4 children! All because of porn addiction. I had no one to counsel me as a woman, and it was a terrible thing to go through. Of course I can’t change the past ( how my marriage ended)but I have prayed for God to use me as a voice of hope for so many hurting women. I can say that only God can heal those hurts; after the last ‘ trip around the mountain” and confronting my ex husband again, I wondered if I would ever be the same again. Could I ever be restored to who I was before all those years of repeated betrayal? God has healed my heart and it has been a process! But God is the perfect husband, and has strengthened me to where I am at a whole new level than where I was before the divorce. I am seeing just how faithful God is even when others aren’t, and that my value doesn’t depend on the validation of a man. There are so many ways that porn addiction brings pain, and how I wish that my ex husband had understood the truth in your article. Thank you so much for bringing this major issue to the light, and declaring truth!! May God bless your ministry.
Thank you so much for sharing your story of hope and healing, Maria. We can always choose to be healthy and whole, even when others do not. Peace to you, Kay
I would like to rewrite this and replace the word affair with porn. After a brief explanation of what an affair truly means.
Recovering porn addict here. My story- Introduced to porn about age 8 through my father. Found his hidden stash. I truly believe I fell into a well laid trap that day. A trap that countless other innnocent boys fall into. Had no idea the damage it would produce in my life and the lives of those around me. Started a addiction that lasted for 42 years in one way or another. Got married at 29 and never told my wife about my addiction. Two reasons I didn’t. 1. I was scared she wouldn’t marry me and number 2, I foolishly thought it would go away once I was married. I was in full time ministry for years dealing with this mess. I completely hated my self for all the lies and deception I had lived all those years. My wife and I also had 3 children in a span of 34 months. I came clean the first time at 47 years old. I just couldn’t live the lie anymore. Completely devastated her. She stuck with me and we went to a lot of counseling. Stopped for a while but sexual thoughts consumed me. My brain had been rewired and I could not shake it. Relapsed and confessed and devastated her again. Again she stuck with me and we went to professional counseling. Lasted awhile and relapsed again. Confessed again and she asked me to move out this time. I did and spiraled like crazy. Not on porn this time but on alcohol. I have always had some type of addiction, if I stopped porn I switched to something else. I hated myself for the lying and deception I had lived since I was a kid. I was living at her dads office and drinking a fifth of whiskey a night and for the first time seriously considering suicide. I hated what I had done to my wife and children and started thinking they would be better off without me. That scared me. At some point in time I asked myself why I always had to have something to get by. The answer was I was always trying to change my mood. I decide to see a physchiatrist and get evaluated, it was a big step but at this point I had nothing to lose. Had a few visits with the physchiatrist both alone and with my wife and she diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder and Obsessvive Compulsive Disorder. She wanted me to try meds which I was very afraid to do but again at that point I had nothing to lose. She put me on Prozac and the change was almost immediate! The depression left and the compulsive sexual thoughts completely disappeared. I couldn’t believe it. Wish I would have done this 30 years ago. I’ve been on Prozac for 15 months now and haven’t relasped. All the temptation and fantasy that was caught up in my brain is completely gone. Don’t get me wrong, I still take precautions. All devices in my house are monitored, I’m VERY careful what I watch on tv, movies, etc. I’m thrilled with where I am right now and NEVER want to go back. The Prozac isn’t a cure all for everything, I still have to watch the alcohol very carefully. My wife and I still do therapy and I know I did a tremendous amount of damage to our relationship but I have been back at home now for over a year and are relationship is slowly getting stronger. Trust, of course is a issue but I have to keep in my mind that it is a issue I created. I am now 50 and our 20th anniversary is coming this year. I’m dedicated to telling the truth about everything. I’m convinced that the worst thing a person can do to themselves is lie and hide. It posions our spirit and leads to self hatred. When you hate yourself you can’t possibly love and take care of others. Thanks for letting me share, hope this helps someone. Btw- I’m not saying meds are the answer for everyone, matter of fact, I know they are not. But they sure have helped me.
I cried reading this article. It is 100% spot-on in describing what lying and deceit and hiding do to a betrayed wife. Every husband needs to read this. I can’t say how amazing it was for me to see how I’ve felt for the past year in writing. Thank you!
It’s sad when your husband won’t even admit that he has a problem and instead says that your ‘critism’ and ‘suspician (even though it was true)’ caused his infidelity… 😔
That is called gaslighting, and it’s a very common technique used by people who don’t want to take responsibility for themselves. Stay strong in the truth, and build the healthy boundaries that are right for you: here, here, and here are some articles that might help. Peace to you, Kay
I would like some advice please as to whether I am over-reacting to a situation. First of all I must say all trust in my husband is gone. In the past he has viewed porn and been on ‘escort’ sites, which are prostitutes advertising their wares. He spent money on there, I don’t that I have the truth about on what. He didn’t tell me, I found out and he said just photos and videos, the photos I saw were absolutely disgusting and that was the free ones, goodness knows what the ones you pay for are like. I don’t think he is doing it now. He is secretive, hates sharing passwords and says his emails are private, but I have access now because I insisted. The present situation is this. He has a friend on Facebook who is an ex work colleague. She is a lady. That’s all he has said about her. Some months ago she sent him a message on Messenger. They chatted a bit and then he invited her out for a coffee and a chat as he put it. (He doesn’t know I can see these messages). He didn’t tell me they were in touch or intending to meet. My son thought this was quite inappropriate. Especially as it was behind my back. They were going to arrange this but he changed him email provider and lost all his friends on Facebook. They are now back in touch on Messenger again. In the meantime he has been diagnosed with cancer and has had an operation not long ago. He can’t drive at the moment but told her when he was mobile again he hoped they would be able to meet. He hasn’t mentioned any of this to me and I doubt he will. She seemed delighted he has asked her and said she would love that and thanked him for asking her. They have known one another at work for quite a few years I think but my husband has been retired for 12 years. We have only been married 5 years so I don’t know much about his past with her. He has her on his special birthday list which mostly family and very close friends. What is really bothering me is in his latest message he said she would always have his love. Is this appropriate, would people normally say this to an ex colleague? Am I over reacting being upset by this?
Pauline, The relationship with your husbands coworker is completely inappropriate. The biggest reason is he is keeping it secret from you. If he came clean and told you about it, YOU still get to decide if you feel OK with it, Which, because of his history you’re not going to feel OK about it! What happens to us as betrayed spouses, is that we second-guess our own God-given intuition because they have trained us to minimize our own feelings. You’re not crazy. Your husband is giving parts of himself to this other woman that belong to you. Check into materials by Dr. Doug Weiss. Then get yourself into a 12 step support group for betrayed spouses. If you cannot find one there are phone support groups through Dr. Weiss. He also holds three day intensive‘s for spouses, which includes a polygraph test so you know where you’re starting. Google Dr. Weiss or Heart to Heart counseling. They are based out of Colorado springs Colorado. People fly in from all over the world to this center. My support group is helping me heal and get stronger so that I can make better choices, which include firm boundaries. Another book that really addresses the trauma you have received by your husband’s betrayal is called Intimate deception by Dr. Sheri Keffer. But the biggest help will be getting yourself into a betrayed spouse support group. You can become healed and healthy and whole even if your husband chooses not to. I am only four months in with my support group, and for the first time I am getting the support I need from women who have been there and get it, and are on their own journey to heal. They are the most courageous women I have ever met. They inspire me and give me the courage to focus on healing myself from betrayal trauma. They have become a sisterhood that I can ask questions just like the one that you asked, and help me see through the fog of deception. It would be awesome if your husband would also agree to get himself into a 12 step sex addiction group as well, as they will hold him accountable. Dr. Weiss says “men make men.” All of our crying and pleading falls on deaf ears with our husbands, your husband needs other men who struggle with the same thing to call him out into call him up. Do not spend one more day trying to do this alone, make that call and get into a group!
Here are some more resources: a therapist your local area, a trauma-informed support group, and the online resources at Bloom for Women.
I know it’s been a long time so I don’t know if you will see this or what happened. However, that is not ok for your husband to make plans with another woman behind your back, or to go out alone with her. I hope that he did not do that and changed his mind.
I am using Covenant Eyes to remain pure and to keep hope. I praise God, that through this software, accountability partners, recovery, and therapy, that I am 20 months sober (if you will). My experience is so very different than what I constantly see in the blog.
I confessed. I confessed knowing my spouse was actively looking for a reason to divorce me at the time and had tried for several weeks to get me to agree to a divorce already. I was so tired of the shame, and the lies, and had been going to therapy already to work on overcoming my use of porn. Our marriage was deteriorating at a break neck speed. I had come to the conclusion that I could not continue to lie about the porn use (hiding it).
When I confessed I did not go into detail. I told her I had struggled with porn use for 24 years, that was our 16 years of marriage and 8 years going back into young adolescence. We were in the car on the way home. When I offered to share more, she declined. She did not want our marriage and she did not want to seek recovery. Even though she had wanted the divorce in advance, I could see the level of pain the disclosure caused her. I watched as her capacity to trust me was shattered beyond belief (while she wanted to divorce me she had stated I was loyal to our family), to the point where I was accused of predation on children.
I’ve been broken into a million pieces. Knowing the pain I caused her would be beyond bearing without God. The pain of her total rejection and facing down terrible charges of abuse, and finally having the courts take my children from me based on false allegations nearly finished me off. Without God, I would not be here today. He rescued me.
I’ve had to rebuild alone. I want to rebirth and reconciliation in our marriage, but she has made it very clear that she does not. So, my focus right now is staying pure, and being a daddy to my children. I come here to read these thoughts in the blog. There is always pain in the reading, because they remind me of everything that has been lost, but there is often hope. At the very least, I can stay away from the terrible counterfeit and vomit of porn. So, while what you folks post and reason at times stings me deeply, I am grateful. Keep it up. We need you.